Family

Deamoness

I never really do this but I feel like I need to write this some where no one knows me and I need to vent!!!!


I have never in my life held such hatred that I do for my family (And YES I do mean it).... my family are *&@%s.....they don't understand me ( I know most families are like that), they expect me to be something else and then they don't even give a rats a** when I do something good.

My family are all about impressions, my brother would beat me up from the age of six (and I'm not saying I am a victim in this because I done stuff to annoy him but I didn't deserve this) but one night when I was in the house on my own he came home and noticed that I had been in his room to get a fracking cd holder and I knocked a shirt of his off the rail and what did I get for that..... I got a pair of knumbchucks to head when I had my back to my door looking at the computer and I woke up with a massive head ache and blood on my keyboard. I called the police and they arrested and charged him but of course my darling parents told me he could go to jail and face a fine for it? What did they expect???They also told me if I didn't drop the charges that I would be kicked out of the house... then he had the nerve to offer me 30 Euro to make up for it, I took it and blew it all on the Dogs just to spite him, I didn't drop the charges and I left the house - the Day I moved I got a letter from my parents to say that they were placing a restraing order against me because I was violent towards them.... all because I wouldn't drop the charges.... now I am back living with them as I have to be but I hate them so much that I want to brake stuff but I have been restraining myself. I wanted to cut myself a while back but I realized that I am 23 years of age and I am more mature then that!!! They're not worth it.... And they are only my adopted family, my real family is more screwed up then I thought, for an example when I met my "real" mother she told me I was a child of rape and that she was bring charges against my "Father" 19 years after it happened.... My life is so screwed up.... I hate venting I feel the need to do it or I will explode.... I just can't deal with this any more..... I can't wait for September next year because I will be gone from Dublin, away from them all of them, especially my sister-in-law who looks down on me as if I am nothing and my so called oldest brother... they think they are better then me well they're not. They are equal to me - just because they own a house doesn't make them any better!!!!

Sorry Vent over! I promise!

LegacyUser

'Start by moving out.'

Carrigart Exile

Wow, no wonder you think you're family hate you.

Thing is they don't hate you, your mum and dad (and they are your mum and dad whether you are adopted or not) are probably tired trying to keep the peace between you all. You admit you did stuff (they do not give out restraining orders on whims) and by the sound of it your brother is a thug. However, the only behaviour you can change is yours and I would start by seeking help for the turmoil of conflicts that are running through your head, that is too huge a burden for such young shoulders; you need the help of professionals.

Here's a thought tho' your mum and dad love you more than you can know, they chose you to bring up and even after everything, they took you back and continue to care for you.

How Strange

OP, I would suggest you go to a psychiatrist for cognitive behaviour therapy and to work through these issues that you have. From reading your post you seem to be full of rage and anger and that would suggest that you have underlying issues with your adopted parents and family. Being told you are a product of a rape would f*ck anyone's mind up.

You are 23 so there is no reason why you can't be independent of these people if they are so horrible to you but I think that alot of what you are describing about their attitudes to you is a) because you are volatile due to your feelings about how you were conceived/then adopted and b) you have so much rage and anger that you lash out and orchestrate situations were your brother lashes out at you.

I say this because I've seen it in someone before but for different reasons to you. Anger and rage means that you deep down hate yourself and you have to work on that before things will get better. Otherwise you are in for a life time of emotional issues and bad relationships as you will repeat all this behaviour as you go through life.

Talliesin

Carrigart Exile wrote:

You admit you did stuff (they do not give out restraining orders on whims)

Obviously you know this couple if you know they don't give out restraining orders on whims (though it sounds more like a tactical ploy than a whim) so your opinion is rather biased.

OP. Getting out is your priority. If something stops you from doing that then dealing with that obstacle is your priority until you have removed it.

Deamoness

Thanks guys, you actually help me more then you know. I now realize what I have to do and that is get out but because I have loans I have to stay until I have enough money that I can move out. I plan to got to Belfast to my boyfriend up there. As for my parents, they only took me back because I had no where to go when I broke up with my fiancee, they nicely let me sleep on the couch before I fought for three months to get a room and even then I was given the junk room before I fought again for the main bedroom where I am now. My parents just don't understand at all. They think I am unormal because I have ADHD. Tbh I think they wouldn't miss me and that's what I am hoping because one day they'll come home and I'll be gone and they wont know my where abouts.

Mullah

>My parents just don't understand at all. They think I am unormal because I have ADHD<

Whoooah. Kinda just slipped that in there, eh?

What exactly are the physical maifestations of ADHD in your case? This is not a minor issue: it may shine a light on your parents actions.

It may not, of course. But it needs some form of clarififcation.

lucernarian

You have to leave. And don't think about staying with them for the forseeable future. Time is a good healer. And the suggestion about CBT is very good. Sadly to get treatment in a timely manner, money is usually needed. So make sure you have a stable income and get support off your friends, as you're going through a difficult patch.

Strokesfan

How Strange wrote:

OP, I would suggest you go to a psychiatrist for cognitive behaviour therapy and to work through these issues that you have. From reading your post you seem to be full of rage and anger and that would suggest that you have underlying issues with your adopted parents and family. Being told you are a product of a rape would f*ck anyone's mind up.

I disagree, I don't think the tone of the post can tell us if the OP is actually full of RAGE and ANGER? I think a lot of people that write here are angry or upset at the time and that comes across in the post but doesn't necessarily mean they are hateful angry people.

I think you have alot to deal with being only 23, in an adopted family, knowing your birth mother has her own issues - I can see you're struggling to know where you fit into the scheme of things.

My advice would be to smooth things over, sit down and talk to them. Drop the charges against your brother. Once you've smoothed things over, make a plan of where you are going - college, finishing college or work? Ask them to help you get through college, start work and get out there on your own.

I think they were desparate for you to drop the charges and threatened you with a restraining order because they didn't know what else to do (and they handled it badly). Even though you are flailing around in the dark to a certain degree - you should realise that alienating yourself from them won't help you. You don't have to forgive them, just accept that that's the way they are and concentrate on working towards making your life outside that family.

When you are out of the situation and stable in a job/ apartment etc - you will get on with them much better.

ali.c

Deamoness wrote:

Thanks guys, you actually help me more then you know. I now realize what I have to do and that is get out but because I have loans I have to stay until I have enough money that I can move out.

I think you need to get your priorities right, prehaps have a chat with somebody at MABS (money advice and budgeting services) and see if they can advice you on the repayments of your loans with leaving you enough money to move out. 12 months in that type of environment (irregardless of whose causing it) is not going to do you any good.

There is alot of anger coming across in your post, now i am not saying that you dont have the right to be angry, but it might be an idea to look at some releasing some of that (in a non violent manner). Venting is good, keep a journal or paint or take up kick-boxing, anything to let it go just a little bit. Of course time and space away will do wonders for your head too.

bronte

Hi Op,

Sorry to hear you've been through such a stressful time.
I am also 23 and living at home (saving for college fees)
While I haven't been through your experience, I do know how frustrating it can be at times.
Your brother's reaction to you getting a cd case from his room was completely out of line.
Is he a violent person by nature?
You should never have to live under the threat of violence.

Try and explain to your parents about how misunderstood you feel, they might not realize the effect this all has had on you.

Also have you a mate you can talk to? The last thing you want to do is keep it all inside.

Deamoness

They did put the restraining order on me and I was away from them a year. My brother and I don't live together, he now lives with his g/f and son so he is away from me but I pretend to like them, I joke with them, I have dinner with them but I hate them. I can't forgive them for what they have done and I'm not saying I am a victim in this, my ADHD caused my anger to be so bad that I would smash things up, I would kick out if any one tried to restrain me and I would curse them and I was a complete bitch, I am mature enough to admit that. At the minute I have to stay I can't afford anything else but I am sorting stuff out to join the British Army if I get accepted other wise it would be the Irish army - I will be getting out as soon as I have enough money!

D Bronc

I think you definitely need to go for counselling and if possible with your parents. At least you will get to say things to them in a relaxed athmosphere where things wont get too heated like what could happen at home. My situation would have been similar to yours and I now have a great relationship with my father and most of my siblings. Also you should be taking medication for your ADHD if your not already doing so.
Sometimes though, things dont work out with your parents im 23 also and I havent spoken to my "mother" in over 4 years and dont ever intend to.

I think you should at least try first with your parents by going to counselling and if at the end it dosent work, at least you can say you tried and not go through life wondering what if?. You owe it to yourself to try.

All the best:)

Mullah

>I hate them. I can't forgive them for what they have done and I'm not saying I am a victim in this, my ADHD caused my anger to be so bad that I would smash things up, I would kick out if any one tried to restrain me and I would curse them and I was a complete bitch, I am mature enough to admit that.<

Well, now we're getting somewhere. Could their actions be a reaction to your behaviour?

Have they forgiven you? If so, can you not forgive them? Its seems to me that both parties appear to have seriously contributed to the situation. Its is not as clear cut as you orignally presented.

Forgive me, but you are no innocent here.

> I am mature<
>I hate them<

These two cannot stand together. The question is, which way will you go?

Moving out will do nothing except relocate you physically if you are not in a position to confront your own contribution to your current situation and reflect on positive steps you can take with your family.

Bronte: >You should never have to live under the threat of violence<

Quite so.

Deamoness

I don't mean to seem rude but parents shouldn't side with any child but that's what they did. They sided with my brother. I would never expect them to side with me that's not what I wanted. I just wanted them to face the fact that my brother stepped over the line by taking a weapon to me over a shirt and a cd rack. He seems to have calmed down by having children but I still wouldn't trust him.

As for my maturity - I am mature enough to realize that some things just can't be fixed and I hate my family there's nothing I can do about that. I don't care if they forgive me or not because I know I am a better person then they think I am. They think I am a failure because I don't have a great job, I work in a book store! They think I should be like their only unadopted son, the one who's married with a house, car and job! That's just not me! I am a free spirit, some one who hates to be tied down apart from the army...

I can't go to counsiling - I was put into it my entire childhood being told that I was different to other children. I hate cousnsillers, I'm even surprised I am writing on the net like this. I usually keep things in my journal.

bronte

I understand, you're angry that they defended him when he attacked you.
That was wrong...then they tried to shut you up by offering you money.
Do you ever feel that they they're trying to brush it all under the carpet?
Put on a good show for the neighbours? It's a very Irish trait and it drives me nuts!

We all make our own paths in life and you are entitled to do whatever it is that makes you happy...it is your life at the end of the day, not theirs.
Parents will often clash with their kids over career choice ,but believe me you have to follow your heart.
You don't want to look back in 40 years and realize you've lived someone else's life.

It's interesting the counsellor told you you were different to other children.
That could certainly give someone a complex and make them feel alienated.
Was it the same counsellor for the entire duration, or different ones?

Finally writing in a journal is a great way to empty your head at the end of a crappy day....keep at it.

lucernarian

Mullah, if someone is in a situation where their well-being is being damaged, they should remove themselves from it and confront the problem when they have the strength to do so. Where is your evidence to see that both sides have "seriously contributed" to this problem? It sounds like that a brother who would hit a sister with knumbchucks has some serious issues, and a family who would stand by him and bribe you off with the price of 2 CDs are completely in the wrong. ADHD is an illness and is not the OP's fault.

Counsellors are not psychologists or psychiatrists. I see them as trained listeners:) Though with the deep trust problems you have with your family, a counsellor may be able to guide you in the right direction to resolve it.

If you've been to counsellors through much of your life, there may be something there which a better-trained professional could help you with. That ADHD needs to be looked after

There are too many "They think"s and too many "I am"s in your posts for comfort. You've obviously given this a lot of thought, yet you haven't been in control of the situation. Build your own life away from your adopted family so that they're no longer fulfilling the role of provider and minder.

There's some good advice being given out in many of the posts, heed them well.

Finally, don't forget that you're not related to them, and you know that you're not like them. You can live your own life away from them.

Mullah

>Where is your evidence to see that both sides have "seriously contributed" to this problem? <

We have the OP's litany of her own destructive behaviour v an incident on her brothers part (of horredous nature, granted). That covers both sides to me.

>Finally, don't forget that you're not related to them<

Words fail me. :eek:

lucernarian

She's adopted, yes? I didn't need to point it out, as the OP is well aware of her family. My point is that she doesn't owe them for the poor treatment she's received. It's her life to build for the future.

Deamoness

The knumbchucks incident isn't the first one, there has been many about stupid little things from borrowing a hat to go away with the scouts to taking a tape to listen to music and I would have the end of it.....

It was four counsillers that said it and I believe it. I am different and I understand that, I do kind'a have a complex, I don't really let people close because I am afraid of what they will see if they get too close and most times people don't want to see. They would rather ignore exactly like what my family do.

I hate having the ADHD and although it's not as bad as it was when I was a child its still there . I don't have social skills because I was always treated differently - put threw four different primary schools, two different secondry schools does have an effect. I have tried Ritalin but it gave side effects like cramping in my feet, I would wake up not being able to move my legs until they were messaged until the cramping went away so staying off the pills is the best way I can think off. I'malso registered on the ADHD.ie site

They always brush things under the carpet, image is everything to them that's why they hate me enlisting into Army.

Deamoness

To_be_confirmed wrote:

She's adopted, yes? I didn't need to point it out, as the OP is well aware of her family. My point is that she doesn't owe them for the poor treatment she's received. It's her life to build for the future.

We owe each other nothing. They are to blame as much as I am but I just can't respect them any more. I used to when I was younger but now that I am older I realize I should have never respected them in the first place.

milkerman

I can tell you that living with a young person suffering from ADHD is a very trying experience.
My nephew suffers this and has medication to control the ailment. Even with this medication, he has placed a serious strain on family life and siblings.
To the OP, you have an illness that can make a person difficult to live with. I think you have difficulties that need professional medical attention.
Beating you on the head was unforgiveable.
Your birth mother was a twat to tell you you were the product of rape. There was nothing to be gained on anyones part by telling you this.

If I am honest, when my nephew reaches your age (10 years from now)he will probably end up working in Dublin, if he asks to stay in my house I will be saying no. That may seem nasty and maybe it is. But I have seen him drive his parents to the edge of despair and will not allow the same thing to happen in my home.

I feel sorry for you, I feel an equal amount of sorrow for your adoptive family. I would urge you to seek reassessment of your condition at the very least. Please don't hate your family, they have their faults & so do you, but they are the only family you've got.

Finally, I would seriously question whether a career in the military could suit an ADHD person. A display of any of the typical symptoms that ADHD people display will result in military disciplinary procedures or discharge.

I hope your life settles down for you & you find happiness.

lucernarian

I'd expect that someone with ADHD will fail the medical for entry into the defence forces.

D Bronc

Where Counselling has failed in the past it might work for you again, the situation for you going to a counsellor in the past was (im presuming) for an entirely different reason. This situation is sooo different. Give a try at least give it some real consideration.
Ritalin might not have agreed with you but there are alternatives such as fish oils etc. but you really need to see your doctor he/she can advise on alternatives.

Deamoness

To_be_confirmed wrote:

I'd expect that someone with ADHD will fail the medical for entry into the defence forces.

Your wrong about that - I am already in the Defence Forces and I passed my medical test. They say I am fine for the Military and unless you have ADHD then you wont understand and it's people like you - no offense that don't even give people like me a try that's one of the reasons why I hate my family. They brush me under the carpet like they always do.

Just so you know the military is the best place for me, because of the strictness. The Army is all I know and unless you are in the Army then you don't know how it is.

davyjose

Deamoness, no offence intended, but from the nature of your posts and what you've said, I actually have a lot more sympathy for your parents than I do for you.
Have you thought about it for one moment how difficult the situation involving your brother must have been for them. You say you have ADHD and it has caused them problems(i.e. you becoming violent), yet you expect them to accept this (which they should - being your parent) but then turn around and convict your brother??? I think that is wildly unfair.
You complain that they had you in a junk bedroom not the 'main' one. You were gone for a year, what do you expect - the red carpet.
Also I find it hard to think your being 100% objective, but you say unbelievably contradictive (and immature) things like "I am a free spirit. Someone who hates to be tied down, apart from the army" and as Mullah said "I am mature ... I hate them". We may not know as much as you about the army, but I DO know that the army and Free Spirited people are on the complete opposite end of the spectrum.
ADHD or not, we all have issues with people at times, and we all have fights with the people closest to us - the trick is being mature enough to get over it. What your Brother did is unforgivable, but he's not some stranger off the street. Have a bit of tact for your parents sake.
And if you hate them so much, then stop complaining about what room your in and f*** off out of their house. I'm sure its absolutely delightful for them having your (apparent) delightfully grateful personality about the place, but if I hated someone, I wouldn't decide to go live with them.
Grow up and look at yourself for a change, there are plenty of people have what you have who love their parents, and there are plenty of people without it who don't.

Deamoness

For my parents sake? They don't deserve anything from me and I would get out of there house if I could and they don't want me here either but they have even said it themselves I am here until my loans are paid off then they want me out and no I wasn't expecting the red carpet but to be treated like their daughter but instead I'm treated like a piece of dirt that they scraped up of the street.

D Bronc

I know you posted here for advice and if you look back everyone seems to be giving you the same advice and that is to move out. It might not be ideal financially but there are places you can go. Maybe a friends or relatives, hostel or even just rent a room in a house. None of these might'nt be pleasant but at least you'd be out of the house. Everyone is saying the same things we cant all be wrong, you have 4 "priorities" and if it were me id prioritise them as

1. Getting treatment for ADHD
2. Moving Out
3. Go for Counselling
4. Rebuild Relationship With Parents (Try at least)

I really hope you start listening to some of this advice because tbh you dont seem to be, you have an answer for everything you cant do, but not what you can.
Your situation is not going to change with advice you need to get up and make changes in your own life, no-one can do it for you.

davyjose

Deamoness wrote:

For my parents sake? They don't deserve anything from me.

Have a look over this statement, and pretend it was written by someone else - Do you think that person would come across as a reasonable person with a valid problem, or a bratty attention seeker. I'm not saying that is what you are, and I DO feel sorry for your plight, but your unreasonable bile towards your folks just points to you being a very angry, unhappy person. And until you can absolve the part of you that has such enmity towards people then you really will struggle to ever find happiness. This has nothing to do with ADHD either - this goes for everybody.

jimmycrackcorm

I agree with Davyjose, I think there is two sides to this story and more so by the ops own admission

my ADHD caused my anger to be so bad that I would smash things up, I would kick out if any one tried to restrain me and I would curse them and I was a complete bitch

.

Not to belittle the ops condition either as it is an unfortunate circumstance, but I'd reason that if there was no ADHD then the family wouldn't be treating the op this way. I sincerely do think though that Deamoness should not be considering herself be the victim here apart from being a victim of circumstance - it's not like a family don't suffer in any way dealing with someone with ADHD and that people don't get worn down by the behaviour.

MagicMarker

Deamoness wrote:

For my parents sake? They don't deserve anything from me and I would get out of there house if I could and they don't want me here either but they have even said it themselves I am here until my loans are paid off then they want me out and no I wasn't expecting the red carpet but to be treated like their daughter but instead I'm treated like a piece of dirt that they scraped up of the street.

Not to point out the obvious but did they or did they not offer you a place to stay when you had no where to go, and are they not providing you with this place to stay until you pay your debts?

I'm sorry but can you not see that they ARE treating you like their daughter?

Also, how much debt are you in? Because saying you can't move out because of your debt is quite the cop out. I used to think like you, i was afraid of moving out incase i couldn't cope. But it's a lot easier than you may think. I'm in quite a substantial amount of debt and over 30% of my income goes towards paying it off every month and i manage quite sufficiently on my own.

Miss Fluff

OP you need to go and get help once and for all. Just because Ritalin didn't work, there are numerous other therapies and treatments that will help you. Have you a good GP you can go to?

How Strange

OP, I said in an earlier post that you are full of rage and anger and you should go for cognitive behaviour therapy. I also think from reading your replies that you are a very immature person with a huge chip on your shoulder. You feel the world owes you something, that your parents should be kind and loving towards you but quite honestly they are probably at their wits end. You are their 23 yr old daughter who is voilent, surly and in general a nightmare to live with. You moved out for a length of time and it was probably a relief for them to have peace in the house and then their worst nightmare was when you turned up wanting to move back in. And what did they do, they let you. If they didn't care about you, you would be out on the street.

The army is the worst place for you. You are almost guaranteed a lifetime of behavioural and emotional problems as you will never confront your demons in the army. You will live a regemented life and when you become a civilian you won't be able to cope with the real world. Having said all that, I have a sibling who was manipulative, desructive and generally made our lives a misery. We were happiest when he moved out and disraught when he moved back in again. Why? Because he was so attention seeking and emotionally volatile that our home life was hell. To this day, even though he is in his mid 30's, he still causes trouble. For my own sanity I have detached myself and when he phones me with his tales of woe I tell him to sort them out himself. My parents have been through the ringer over the years and are now learning to do the same as me. For their own sanity and for the sake of their marriage.

The point of this is to tell you that you are clearly in need of a serious amount of therapy and you should get it now as I predict you have a lifetime of emotional problems and substance abuse ahead of you if you don't. Your family are also faced with a lifetime of misery if you ignore these problems.

Good luck but only you can sort this problem out.

Silent Grape

someone said that because they let her come back into the family home they must love her and be treating her like a daughter. just because parents let you live with them does NOT mean they are also treating you as a daughter.

my mother was an ETREMELY manipulative controlling woman, she clung onto me desperately as i was the last to grow up and out of her controlling grasp. she controlled me through making me be scared of her, it got to near violent stages, locking myself in bathrooms, panic attacks etc. then she'd tell my father that i faked panic attacks to get attention.

she gave me money, shelter and food, all the material stuff, she was very aware of how things looked on the outside, to others, but she didnt give me love or treat me as a daughter in any way.

i know this is a separate example, but there is no black and white here, people are too complicated and layered and full of secret intentions and wishes and personal desires for us to guess at a not very detailed or clear post WHAT the real story is.

BOTH sides of this scenario are at fault. people shouldnt be siding fully with the parents or siding fully with her, some people even have a vindictive tone of blame for her having adhd.

all we can do is advise the OP to move out and get help. you are living in an abusive environment, yourself included, and need to get out of there. moving out of my mothers home was the best thing i have ever done and we have a pretty good relationship now. she needed to grow up, i needed to be independant, and we both needed that distance.

i feel for you, OP, but this issue seems so much bigger than you can solve here on boards. i would really really recommend counselling. go to the doctor and explain that u cant afford it and something will be sorted out. if u dont like the one u get, get another one till u are happy.

i wish u all the best, and remember that u are much much stronger than u realise

ali.c

It just occured to me that ADHD is worsened by certain food addititives and studies have shown that a daily supplement of EFA/DFA can improve the condition. OP it might be worth checking out.

Irregardless of the OP's ADHD, it seems to me that her brother also has behavioural issues (hello he knocked her out wtf??) and her parents did fail to provide a safe a violent free home for her.

OP you need to take some responsiblity for your own life, if your not happy where you are then you need to move on. You are no longer a child and your future happiness is in your power and control. You cannot change your family, you can change how you deal with and react to them. Blaming them doesnt solve anything, nor does blaming yourself. put the energy into moving forward and building a new life for yourself and dealing with your ADHD

Deamoness

The point of this is to tell you that you are clearly in need of a serious amount of therapy and you should get it now as I predict you have a lifetime of emotional problems and substance abuse ahead of you if you don't. Your family are also faced with a lifetime of misery if you ignore these problems.

Good luck but only you can sort this problem out.[/QUOTE]


I will never turn to Drugs, I have friends who died of drug abuse and I will never and have never touched drugs. I am 100% against drugs

Sorry I don't mean to sound bitchy but I am so against drugs so if there is even a mention of drugs I get defensive. I want to thank every one who replied back to this because you have helped me and I now know what to do. I just have to get out and deal with my issues and that's what I plan to do. Thank you