misinterpented

little nell

I seem to have totally made a mess of the question i had intended asking.I did not ask people to give details of any abuse they suffered but to ask how it effected their family when a member of their family was [exposed] as a sex abuser.The fact my thread was locked just left me with the same feeling (shut up and say nothing) and i feel that is the reason so many offenders get away with it ok. just wanted to set thr record straight .Silenced again

SarahSassy

I cant help you with answers to your post but why dont you rephrase it and start another news thread? Am sure people will respond once its clear what you are asking. Good luck.

heavyhorse

My brother's a bit of a perv, don't let it bother me really he's not hurting anyone (except himself) and it's not really my problem. Really depends on the circumstances, elaborate a bit so we can understand.

Oryx

I read your original post, and it wasnt clear what you were asking, so I can see why it was closed.

I have no immediate experience of having a family member 'exposed' in the way you mention, but I know someone whose close relative was. It broke their heart, and they never quite got over the shame they felt (even though they themselves had done nothing wrong). However this person has very good friends and did receive support from those close to them. Any negativity was not as bad as expected, I think.

KilbarrackBlows

i read his original post aswell
i thought he was asking what shold you do if you think a family member is
abusing someone ? but it wasnt very clear .

Dudess

Detail and clarity are vital on Personal Issues. Otherwise, how can people give advice or information when they don't have enough to go on?
OP, why not put up a detailed post - well, as much detail as you can without revealing too much.

little nell

ok to clarify the reason for my question, a family member abused me when i was young ,i told my mother about it and she told him not to do it again.a few years later three of my sisters told me he had abused them as well over a period of 15yrs. which meant he did not stop the abuse.when we told mother she asked us to leave it be and never mention it again.she blamed me for bringing it up again and stopped talking to me.she also stopped all the family talking to me.i hope this clarifys the reason for my question

KilbarrackBlows

Ah sorry to hear that nell
Personaly i think you shold ignore your mother ring the garda and do what is best for you and your sisters and i cant beleave she is defending this guy instead of her own kids :mad:

MagicMarker

little nell wrote:

ok to clarify the reason for my question, a family member abused me when i was young ,i told my mother about it and she told him not to do it again.a few years later three of my sisters told me he had abused them as well over a period of 15yrs. which meant he did not stop the abuse.when we told mother she asked us to leave it be and never mention it again.she blamed me for bringing it up again and stopped talking to me.she also stopped all the family talking to me.i hope this clarifys the reason for my question

Firstly, what do your sisters think of this? There is no point saying anything if you aren't going to be backed up by them. If you and they feel they can take it further then don't mind what your mother says and go straight to the guards. Your mother is a disgrace.

seahorse

Your mother is certainly a disgrace, no doubt about that, but I thoroughly disagree with this advice:

MagicMarker wrote:

Firstly, what do your sisters think of this? There is no point saying anything if you aren't going to be backed up by them.

No offence MagicMarker, but I think that's just nonsense.

Little Nell; you don't need anybody to back you up here. Of course it would be the desirable position (if there could be anything desirable to be found in the situation you are in) but it doesn't take more than one person to tell the truth. You might want your sisters support, but you certainly don't need it.

Please find the courage to report this b@stard, and if I were you I'd report my mother while I was at it. You may not know this, but what she did was also a crime, and in my opinion she deserves to be answerable for what she allowed to happen.

I know more than one person who was sexually abused in childhood and one in particular who was routinely abused by a family member. She reported it and fought through the courts for justice. Unfortunately the b@stard died before he got his justice on earth; lucky for her she's a religious woman and is fully certain (as am I) that he'll be getting his justice in the next world.

As for how it affected her family situation: She is from a very large family and ALL the siblings, male and female, suffered the same abuse by the same pervert. Most of her siblings denied all knowledge and I know they'll have had their reasons; not wanting to be the subject of public discussion, not wanting to revisit the past, not wanting to have to face him in court etc etc; but there are only a minority of that family who can sleep easy in their beds Little Nell, and you can be sure they're not the ones who kept the lid on all the lies.

Telling the truth about where you've been and what you've been through is a cleansing thing, a psychological exorcism if you like, and it is seriously does have cathartic benefits; benefits which are are utterly denied to anyone who is unprepared to go through the emotional discomfort of that process.

How would you feel if you resolved to bury this and one of your sisters came to the place in her heart and mind where she was ready to expose him a few years from now, and this was all dragged up again for you to deal with? That is a possibility you know.

I wish you all the best and I hope you find your courage. Feel free to pm me about this if you like. I helped somebody close to me work their way though a very similar situation just last year and I still have contact details which would be helpful to you either if you decide to go ahead with reporting him, or even if you don't and would be just interested in seeking therapy from someone specialised in this field. My friend did both, which would be what I'd honestly recommend to you. Whatever you decide, do take care.

Seahorse

Dudess

seahorse wrote:

if I were you I'd report my mother while I was at it. You may not know this, but what she did was also a crime, and in my opinion she deserves to be answerable for what she allowed to happen.

Might a court consider her complicit in his actions? She did tell him to stop after little nell revealed it to her the first time round.
Whether what your mother did was a crime or not though, it was truly disgusting. However this is not unusual. I've read so many testimonies from those who experienced abuse at the hands of a family member and when they told those who should have protected them, they simply got shunned and, worse still, attacked. At a certain level, it is understandable. If, for example, a mother is told by her child that their father abused them, imagine how horrific this is for that mother. The man she loves wrenching the innocence away from the child they created. It's a situation that doesn't bear thinking about. Of course this is going to cause great distress and possibly denial. That's no excuse for turning against the child though. She has to be strong as a parent.
So little nell, I would definitely tell the authorities about this person. Three of your sisters said to you they were abused. They may clamp up if faced with it again (some people manage to repress horrors like this to the point that they genuinely don't believe it happened) but they DID tell you.
It's not easy of course, but you've got to do it. He can't be let get away with what he did - stealing innocence and destroying entire lives, as well as causing physical damage.
Summon up all your courage. You've got to be that brave. I wish you the very best.

milkerman

Hi Nell,
You have some choices. You can choose to forget what happened and let this predatory paedophile continue to get his jollies with every young child in his path. Perhaps when you have your own little girl in time, you can continue to say nothing and he can interfere with your child and probably your nieces too. Everyone can keep quiet & family honour will be preserved. Then some day he will be caught and your whole family will be devastated for having harboured this monster.

Your Mother is a f*cking clown and has failed in a basic parental duty. Her decision to do nothing and continue to allow children be abused is a criminal matter - no doubt about that.

Jeez Nell, you have only one correct course of action - report the f*cker and have him exposed. Otherwise you will be almost as guilty for what happens the children he abuses in the future.

The right decisions are sometimes the hardest & most painful.

spurious

milkerman wrote:

Your Mother is a f*cking clown and has failed in a basic parental duty. Her decision to do nothing and continue to allow children be abused is a criminal matter - no doubt about that.

Do we know the abuser was not also a child of hers?

I would agree with the advice to report the person, but then I'm not the one who would have to live with the aftermath. A close friend of mine has been through it and it's horrendous. The fact that the OP is not the only sibling who was abused may make it easier on her.

Dudess

milkerman wrote:

Perhaps when you have your own little girl in time

I think I read other posts by the OP in which she said she was a mother.

little nell

one of my sisters did confirm what i said about our brother and she was beaten up by two other sisters, she was also told if she ever spoke to me again she would also be disowned.so i guess it is pure fear that stops me .My mother is a very powerful force within the family ,she once stood beside my older brother and watched him close his fist and box my younger sister into the face because she was late coming home., so i have no hope of any of my sisters backing me.

Dudess

Christ you've had it tough, little nell. Violence and incest within your family - that's horrific. Hope you're doing ok now.
I'm afraid it looks like you yourself know what the consequences will be if you go forward. Only you can decide whether it will be worth it or not. It looks like you've been shunned by your family anyway (either directly or indirectly due to threats). Am I correct?
It seems like you'd need protection if you reported your brother.

little nell

Dudess wrote:

I think I read other posts by the OP in which she said she was a mother.

YES DUDESS i am A mother but t/g not The mother

little nell

seahorse wrote:

Your mother is certainly a disgrace, no doubt about that, but I thoroughly disagree with this advice:



No offence MagicMarker, but I think that's just nonsense.

Little Nell; you don't need anybody to back you up here. Of course it would be the desirable position (if there could be anything desirable to be found in the situation you are in) but it doesn't take more than one person to tell the truth. You might want your sisters support, but you certainly don't need it.

Please find the courage to report this b@stard, and if I were you I'd report my mother while I was at it. You may not know this, but what she did was also a crime, and in my opinion she deserves to be answerable for what she allowed to happen.

I know more than one person who was sexually abused in childhood and one in particular who was routinely abused by a family member. She reported it and fought through the courts for justice. Unfortunately the b@stard died before he got his justice on earth; lucky for her she's a religious woman and is fully certain (as am I) that he'll be getting his justice in the next world.

As for how it affected her family situation: She is from a very large family and ALL the siblings, male and female, suffered the same abuse by the same pervert. Most of her siblings denied all knowledge and I know they'll have had their reasons; not wanting to be the subject of public discussion, not wanting to revisit the past, not wanting to have to face him in court etc etc; but there are only a minority of that family who can sleep easy in their beds Little Nell, and you can be sure they're not the ones who kept the lid on all the lies.

Telling the truth about where you've been and what you've been through is a cleansing thing, a psychological exorcism if you like, and it is seriously does have cathartic benefits; benefits which are are utterly denied to anyone who is unprepared to go through the emotional discomfort of that process.

How would you feel if you resolved to bury this and one of your sisters came to the place in her heart and mind where she was ready to expose him a few years from now, and this was all dragged up again for you to deal with? That is a possibility you know.

I wish you all the best and I hope you find your courage. Feel free to pm me about this if you like. I helped somebody close to me work their way though a very similar situation just last year and I still have contact details which would be helpful to you either if you decide to go ahead with reporting him, or even if you don't and would be just interested in seeking therapy from someone specialised in this field. My friend did both, which would be what I'd honestly recommend to you. Whatever you decide, do take care.

Seahorse

thank you for your support seahorse,

Dudess

little nell wrote:

YES DUDESS i am A mother but t/g not The mother

I only said that in response to milkerman who had posted:

Perhaps when you have your own little girl in time, you can continue to say nothing and he can interfere with your child and probably your nieces too. Everyone can keep quiet & family honour will be preserved. Then some day he will be caught and your whole family will be devastated for having harboured this monster.

I was explaining to him that you already have children so the scenario he described about you having a child or children some time in the future was irrelevant.

Miss Fluff

If he systematically abused his siblings for 15 years the chances are he is continuing to abuse other helpless victims. Has he children himself? If so, I think you know what you need to do OP.

milkerman

NOW I AM ANNOYED!
What sort of backward ****ing bitch would ask a son to beat a younger daughter?
Your 'Mother' is using this monster to exert & retain control on the rest of the family? Am I right?
This gets worse by the minute. So is your child safe from this creep?
Christ girl you have to get out of this 'home' straight away (I hope you are over18) and get your own place.
You HAVE to get help, get to the cops straight away or at least to one of the support groups for victims of abuse (they can advise you).
Where is your father in all of this?
TBH I am dumbfounded, I saw this happen 30 years ago in my home town. When the lid was lifted some of the immediate family got a VERY hard time from the rest of the community - almost the peasants with torches & pitchforks scenario. Certainly teeth were lost and stitches required.
Dudess, thanks for the heads up.
OP- We are having to drag the info from you, If you go to the Gardai you will need to tell them everything and explain the threat you are under.
More I think of this the angrier I get, I dont know how anyone can live under these conditions. YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING, PLEASE.

Dudess

milkerman wrote:

Your 'Mother' is using this monster to exert & retain control on the rest of the family? Am I right?

Not certain whether that brute was the same brother who sexually abused her and her sisters though.

you have to get out of this 'home' straight away (I hope you are over18) and get your own place.

Again, I'm familiar with the OP from previous posts - she's in her 30s or 40s.

Dudess, thanks for the heads up.

Sorry for appearing a bit of a know-all.

little nell

milkerman wrote:

NOW I AM ANNOYED!
What sort of backward ****ing bitch would ask a son to beat a younger daughter?
Your 'Mother' is using this monster to exert & retain control on the rest of the family? Am I right?
This gets worse by the minute. So is your child safe from this creep?
Christ girl you have to get out of this 'home' straight away (I hope you are over18) and get your own place.
You HAVE to get help, get to the cops straight away or at least to one of the support groups for victims of abuse (they can advise you).
Where is your father in all of this?
TBH I am dumbfounded, I saw this happen 30 years ago in my home town. When the lid was lifted some of the immediate family got a VERY hard time from the rest of the community - almost the peasants with torches & pitchforks scenario. Certainly teeth were lost and stitches required.
Dudess, thanks for the heads up.
OP- We are having to drag the info from you, If you go to the Gardai you will need to tell them everything and explain the threat you are under.
More I think of this the angrier I get, I dont know how anyone can live under these conditions. YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING, PLEASE.

sorry about having to drag info milkerman,but i am shaking as i write.no its not the same brother,father died very young.i am in my late 40s so my own kids are not in that kind of danger t/g .i had put it all out of my mind for years thinking once my mother told the abusive brother not to do it again that he would not attempt to touch any of the rest of my sisters.it was about ten years ago that they told me about what he did to them.at that stage i told my mother that he had continued to abuse more of the sisters she asked me what do you want to drag up something happened years ago,mind your own buisness, i am not going to upset him by saying it to him now he is married with his own children(1boy & yes 1 girl) whwn i said i was afraid he would abuse his daughter ,she said i was a sick evil b---h get out of her house and dont ever come back.i did talk to a ban garda at that time but she said unless my sisters backed what i said she could do nothing.must stop for a while as i am shaking.will get back shortly.sorry

McGinty

Hi Nell

I am so sorry for what has happened, I wish I could say I can't understand but I do and before I go on I wish to tell you how brave you are coming on here and discussing this. Like you I was sexually abused by my brother for a number of years and when I intially discussed it the family tried to silence me. My mother did find out as a child and like you she blamed me, since then history is trying to be rewritten. Basically I told the entire family about seven years ago, I knew that one other sister had been abused by him but not the other sisters, it was just the two of us. When I came out with it my father said very little and has never spoken about it since and my mother became very angry and very venoumous. One sister physically attacked me (she wasn't abused) and the one who was abused rang (she lived away from home) me and said very angry things as well. At the time I felt I was going to go mental. I stopped contact with the said brother and went for counselling. I did not go to the police and tried to lay the head low.

Two years ago my sister committed suicide (the one who was absued) she tried to hide away from the abuse, as if it never happened but eventually it caught up with her. Her death has shattered our family, the irony was that I thought I would end up killing my brother. What happened was very different. I should say that when I told the entire family seven years ago I also confronted my brother and told him what he did was horrific and a crime, he tried denying it and as such it was unresolved. When my sister died and I saw my brother and how cut up he was, I found that I had forgiven him, or I should say forgiveness came through me. However I did still have concerns as he has children of his own and another sister also had concerns. So we decided to get advice, we spoke to a social worker and she urged that he get treatment, the granada institute works with people who have sexually abused so we got the number and we confronted my brother, at first he denied but I was tough yet loving, I kept saying what he had done to me and my sister who had died and that he needed to deal with this. He swore he would never harm his own children but I kept saying in a loving manner that he could never be sure, and that was when he said he had been abused by a neighbour himself and he couldn't put his kids through that. I said you still need help, so he went to them. I told him I had forgiven him and then two days later he rang me and said you have forgiven me but I never said I was sorry have I? I said no you haven't and he replied what I did was terrible and I can never undo it but I am very sorry. I can't tell you how uplifting it is to hear that, to have gone through years of denial and silence, you know this all yourself nell, but to hear that, to have your suffering acknowledge it miraculous. I was going to pm all this, but I want others to read this because I want this in the open and not hidden.

It has been painful to write this, I know what you mean when you shake with fear, but the only way to stop abuse is to expose it and bring the dark into the light. Only truth can set us free, it has set me free and some of my family, but the emotional and psychological cost has been huge and I don't know where I got the strenght and if you are to stand up and expose your brother you'll need strength, I would be very happy to offer a listening ear here and support, so please pm me. If you do nothing then it will go on, and you will feel tormented. If you speak out against your family then you will be the worst in the world, cut off and ostrazised. You may lose the love of your sisters but you may lose them anyway by doing nothing. Nothing can bring back my sister I can only hope and believe she is at peace now. Op the court route is not the only route and it is why I have said what occured for me in my family. People believe you cannot overcome or forgive an abuser, but I am one example of this, I feel I am no longer a victim of it but a survivor, there will always be scars but I feel I have largely healed from it. I forgave him because it releases you, but a word of warning, it was not easy nor did it come quickly, I worked through years and years of anger, bitterness, hate and so forth before I could come to forgiveness.

To other op's there has been huge outrage at the response of the OP's family, that reaction by families is sadly all too common, so much better to keep it under the carpet, and no one ever truly knows the motives behind the family, the only thing I can say is you have to expose regardless of them. My thoughts and prayers are with you nell

MagicMarker

seahorse wrote:

No offence MagicMarker, but I think that's just nonsense.

I should have made myself clear. If she just wanted to report it regarding herself that's fine. But if she was to bring up that her sisters were also abused and then they themselves denied any truth to it. It wouldn't help her case is all.

LegacyUser

I post fairly regularly and I know my boyfriend goes on line too, so hence I am going unreg for this. My bf was abused by a relation years ago. It ruined his life as he was afraid to open up to people and therefore lost out on a childhood,never had the friends or jobs he deserved due to severe lask of self esteem. I was the first person he told...took him the guts of 20 years to tell someone. I told another relation of his in confidence as I really felt they deserved to know and also they along with me could convience him to sort himself out. The relation was brillant and eventually he told the relation too. His life has really improved and so too has our relationship. He will however never go to the gard's even though I would really hope he will in time as the person who did has kids of his own and I would be afriad he will do this to his kids. There is loads of support out there. The garda's can only deal with your case unless your sisters will give details of their own. Your mothers reaction is not uncommon. Have a family member involved in that kind of area of work and he has told me that more often than not family members are too shocked to believe it etc. What your mother did was very wrong as she should have supported you but in life you cannot change someone else only yourself. Go and make a complaint with regard to what happened to you and get loads of supportive counselling.

little nell

omg mcguinty i am in shock, your story almost mirrors my own,i too was beaten up by one of my sisters which left pretty large scar on my face (but i am not a vane person so that is the least of my problems) the mental scars are far worse.I did confront my brother about what he did and of course he denied it ,he tole me I should be in a mental hospital.after that the bully bro.beat up my son ( another story)and threatened to get me next.again i went to the garda and asked them to talk to him and warn him not to touch any of my family they said they could do nothing unless he hit me so that was that.i know what he is capable of doing and he knows as long as he instills fear in me no one will confront the abusive bro.The other thing is a few years ago i was talking to the abusers wife who thinks he is a total gent. i was shocked when she inisently told me their daughter was now locking her bedroom door my first taught was who was she locking out she only has one bro. mam and dad living in the house.I told one of the other sisters who he had abused that that was not the normal actions of a 12yr old girl.result ,more mental abuse what kind of sick mind did i have ,,how could i say that about him that he had changed and was not like that anymore? before anyone asks yes i do have a hubby,but what hope would he have against those two.

Dudess

McGinty and little nell, your stories make me so sad and enraged and all the more confident that there is no god. I really really hope, little nell, things will work out for the better for you and that the guilty parties will be brought to justice.
So you believe the daughter of your brother (who sexually abused you) could be at risk?

dame

I have come across a situaton where a teenage boy (15) was looking at child porn on the net, pictures of girls from age 4 right up to young teens. His parents had the computer wiped and brushed it under the carpet. The mother reasoned that he was only a teenager himself (not an adult) so there wasn't really any harm in him looking at those pictures, they were closer in age to him than adults in normal porn would be and a bit of curiosity is only natural. Despite the fact that he had been sneaking around in the middle of the night to look the stuff up and had also researched hidden cameras, she was adamant that he hadn't known it was wrong.

OP, it's what mothers do. They cannot believe bad/evil of their own sons. They would rather think that the other person is making it up. Don't hold it personally (I know that's hard). Your mother probably is just afraid to lose her son(s) to prison and have their evilness on her conscience. It's just easier for her to get angry and accuse others of making things up.


If you really think he may be abusing your niece (or anyone else) then you should do something about it. Maybe other poster's would have more advice for you on a way to get a social worker to start visiting and keeping an eye on them all, and speaking to the daughter, without you being held responsible? You can take all the time you like to get the courage and support you need to report what he did to you (and your sisters) and get justice for it, but you cannot stand by if you think another young girl is being abused.

bronte

Hi Nell, I've just read through this thread, and was saddened by your story.
I'm sorry you've had such a rough time of it.
I hope you find the courage to come forward and break the silence.
You deserve to be free and to see this monster brought to justice.
I sincerely hope his daughter isn't suffering.

Cowards like him make me sick.

You'll be in my thoughts

milkerman

I have a 12 yr old daughter. The thought of her having to lock her bedroom door is enough to make me sick.
I am disappointed to hear the reaction of that Garda, it is ill-informed at best.
Does your sister in law know why your face is scarred?
Sex offenders are recidivist offenders - fact. You know what is happening to your niece, you also know what further silence will achieve.
It wont be easy but you know the right thing to do.

Nevyn

little nell have you sought and recieved couselling to help you deal with this ?

McGinty

The other thing is a few years ago i was talking to the abusers wife who thinks he is a total gent. i was shocked when she inisently told me their daughter was now locking her bedroom door my first taught was who was she locking out she only has one bro. mam and dad living in the house.

Hi Nell

In response to the above just to let you know that I got professional advice on children who are at risk and how that works. Basically if a child reports that he/she is being abused in some manner to a doctor/counsellor/teacher etc, they are obliged by law to report it to the authorities, eg: social workers and guards. If a child is deemed at risk sexually and this is reported the social services have to act upon it.

My advice and I know this is extremely difficult is to report what has happened to you and state that you believe your niece is at risk. Before talking take the name of the social worker you are speaking with, you may have to do something in writing but what they will do is visit the house, speak with the parents and speak with the child and ascertain if there is a problem. If there is a problem they will work with the parents to stop it, they don't necessarily take the child away from the home, that is a last option and one they don't want to take unless it is neccesary. If abuse is occuring and the father/your brother goes for treatment, they will help him and your niece, if he or his wife ignore it and don't co-operate with social services, their daughter or anyone else will be taken into foster care. Again, I will stress that I got professional advise on this.

If you do decide to go ahead, and judging from what you have said about your family is that the backlash will be horrific so I would also suggest that you obtain help and support first before you take these steps. You may need to take security precautions around your home, it breaks my heart to say these things to you but I feel it is very neccesary. One thing that sexual abuse does is it breaks down all boundaries and any sense of care or self esteem, very few people who have been abused know how to take proper care. I urge you to see yourself as precious cargo and take steps to care for yourself in such a manner, even though it is hard to do before you go ahead. Would your brother (the one who is a bully) attempt to assualt you if you take things further? Finally if your family are not willing to support you in favour of your brother, and I know this bits hard, but I would urge you cease all contact (that includes phone calls, letters, etc) unless they support you because they will try to undermine and hurt you, and again you are too precious for that.

little nell

thanks again mcguinty,but all contact has been stopped (on mothers orders)for the past 10 yrs.as i said it is during that time i was assaulted .as regards my niece i do not have any contact with her either but she is unaware of the reason for this,none of the family are allowed to speak to me.