I need sex now!

thecleverone · 28-08-2007 8:21am #1

Hi everyone

Long time lurker, first time poster. This is a strange one so i thought i'd prefer to get strangers comments/advice on it first.

I'm a 26 year old gal, with my own business, house and car. I've been going out with a guy for the last 3 years. The thing is that my boyfriend is 48 years old. Met him randomly through friends and decided to have a laugh for a while. Didn't think/expect it to last as long as it has but like i said 3 years later we're still together. Moved in with him last year. Friends and family now love him (after getting used to the idea).
Now, the thing is our relationship is great on all levels, except in the bedroom. Its not that the sex is bad, its just that the sex is non existant. At the start is didn't bother me cause i thought he was just "waiting" or being chivalrous but now its gotten so bad all i do is think about sex. I practically hand myself to him on a plate most nights and he just turns over and goes to sleep, saying that he's tired!
I think there might be a problem physically for him but its a very touchy subject. We can talk about anything but when it comes to talking about sex he quickly changes the subject. I'm a pretty girl so its not like its anything to do with my looks.
Anyway, like i said I NEED SEX SOON before i burst. I'm fantasising about the postman, about other male friends and my poor vibrator is worn out.
How can i get him in the mood?

WellyJ · 28-08-2007 8:28am

So in three years you have never had sex once with this guy?

Seems like there is a big issue with him if he has never tried it.

You should just ask him about it.

Maybe he is waiting for you to initiate something.

Kimbot · 28-08-2007 8:30am

Hmmmm.... sounds weird alright.

Have you tried the candles around the room, relaxing massage etc for him??

As you have said your vibrator is worn out, why not let him catch you at it??

thecleverone · 28-08-2007 8:31am

Maybe he is waiting for you to initiate something

I'm always initiating things. But he's always "tired". We've had full on sex about 4 times, but its usually after he's had a few drinks. If i've been a really good girl, he might go for a walk in my *ahem* "ladygarden, every 6 months or so, but thats it. I'm not a Nympho, but i am only 26!!

yop · 28-08-2007 8:35am

thecleverone wrote:

I'm always initiating things. But he's always "tired". We've had full on sex about 4 times, but its usually after he's had a few drinks. If i've been a really good girl, he might go for a walk in my *ahem* "ladygarden, every 6 months or so, but thats it. I'm not a Nympho, but i am only 26!!

Maybe that fact he is 48 that he is not up to it! Is he fit and that, obviously no 48 year olds on here but what more can you do really.
It is a real pain that, have u actually talk to him about it, tell you need some lovin.

WellyJ · 28-08-2007 8:36am

thecleverone wrote:

I'm always initiating things. But he's always "tired". We've had full on sex about 4 times, but its usually after he's had a few drinks. If i've been a really good girl, he might go for a walk in my *ahem* "ladygarden, every 6 months or so, but thats it. I'm not a Nympho, but i am only 26!!

Well my girlfriend is a similar age to you and she would have left long ago if we only had sex twice a year.

Maybe he just has a really low sex drive, but that doesn't help you.

You really need to bring this up with him. Nothing anyone here can say is really going to solve this without you confronting him about it.

Get some sexy lingerie and surprise him with it.

Don't accept "I'm tired" as an excuse, trust me, however tired a man might be, he can always have a roll in the sack

thecleverone · 28-08-2007 8:37am

Yeah, he's as fit as a fiddle, dead slim and all, but like i said, i do think that physically he might need some help. Or maybe by the time you get to 48, you've had enough sex to last a life time and just can't be bothered. I've tried to bring the subject up a few times, but he feels like its a personal attack on him, when its not.
....oh, i don't know.

DD · 28-08-2007 8:49am

I don't think the things will change soon or if they do, will be just for a while. My advice is to live your life with someone of your age. Sex is great, dont waste your time.
Business, house, car is not everything in life ...I think sex and understanding is the most important.

thecleverone wrote:

Hi everyone
I'm a 26 year old gal, with my own business, house and car. I've been going out with a guy for the last 3 years. The thing is that my boyfriend is 48 years old. Met him randomly through friends and decided to have a laugh for a while. Didn't think/expect it to last as long as it has but like i said 3 years later we're still together. Moved in with him last year. Friends and family now love him (after getting used to the idea).
Now, the thing is our relationship is great on all levels, except in the bedroom. Its not that the sex is bad, its just that the sex is non existant.
Anyway, like i said I NEED SEX SOON before i burst. I'm fantasising about the postman, about other male friends and my poor vibrator is worn out.
How can i get him in the mood?

K-9 · 28-08-2007 8:54am

thecleverone wrote:

I've tried to bring the subject up a few times, but he feels like its a personal attack on him, when its not.
....oh, i don't know.

It shouldn't be a personal attack for him. Doesn't sound good. Try the lingerie and as another poster said, maybe let him catch you with your dildo, he might get the hint.

Sex isn't the bee all and end all, but 4 times in 3 years. Now your fantasising about the postman! Not a bad thing but your a normal sexual 26 year old woman and having sex is part of that!

Wibbs · 28-08-2007 8:57am

If he's halfway fit and otherwise healthy then there's something up(or not) alright. The age part if the spirit is willing shouldn't be that big a deal. There's enough randy oulfellas far older than that knocking around.:D A mate of mine went out with a 50 odd year old and she couldn't keep up. If it's erectile dysfunction then there are avenues to explore. It may be that, as I remember reading somewhere that some study showed that a very large proportion of men over 30 had restricted blood flow in that area. Apparently fitness wasn't that much of an indicator either.

His testosterone may have taken a dive too. That varies a lot between men especially as they get older.

The thing is you need to talk to this guy. He's big and ugly enough to take it at his age and indeed do something about it.

Marksie · 28-08-2007 9:01am

thecleverone wrote:

Yeah, he's as fit as a fiddle, dead slim and all, but like i said, i do think that physically he might need some help. Or maybe by the time you get to 48, you've had enough sex to last a life time and just can't be bothered. I've tried to bring the subject up a few times, but he feels like its a personal attack on him, when its not.
....oh, i don't know.

Sounds like he is aware of this actually and he is sensitive about being questioned about it. Have you asked him why, that in three years things are so infrequent? That is really the key, communication, if it is a physical problem or mental you will only establish this by open communication.
you will have to get past his reticence to talk about it. if you can move past this resistance to talk then you may improve things.

Have you always initiated in the evenings or early mornings?
and do you initiate in the spur of the moment or do you plan it in advance and preapre the ground with intimate notes and texts and things like that?

I will frequently set aside a whole day and evening where nothing else is to be done apart from the processes, the food is prepared before hand and the sacred space set.
That allows me and a partner to just enjoy connection and being together in the now without any distractions (phones off and the like). Because you have deliberately set aside time, it builds up the anticipation and you can realx into it... of curse you wouldnt do that initially but the principle is teh same, you are choosing a time of day when you are both aware and not tired, you are setting time aside and are not rushing. You are also creating an intimate atmosphere.

One thing occurs to me, and it is something that we do as part of learning processes is we self pleasure in front of each other. When he says he is tired, do you roll over and go too sleep frustrated yourself?

Why not try pleasuring yourself when he is there, yu have been together long enough to be aware of each others bodies so there should be no shyness about this. Really let go and go for it on your own, that may form some way of arousing him.

On the subject of being 48, well now. No thats not the case. I am guessing you are both thinking with one part of the anatomy. What does concern me is the lack on his part to use all the other parts of the anatomy. Particularly the comment that if you have been a good girl he goes for a walk. Well, even if he has erectile difficulties then as much pleasure can be gained by giving pleasure and it may overcome any blocks or insecurities he has.

Its atruism that if you want your partner to be an ecstatic lover, become one yourself.
But to do that in this instance you ahve to get him to begin talking about what his issues are. Once you have started that then you can begin by showing him what you like and exploring him with massage and erotic touching.

But first and bottom line is: have that conversation, openly and honestly, begin to find out what his difficulty is. But i think you will have to take the lead both in the communication aspect and in the physicalities of it.

the_god_swan · 28-08-2007 9:03am

dianaangeleyes wrote:

I don't think the things will change soon or if they do, will be just for a while. My advice is to live your life with someone of your age. Sex is great, dont waste your time.
Business, house, car is not everything in life ...I think sex and understanding is the most important.

I agree with dianaaneleyes, you need someone more your own age. If this is the situation remains; what is your mental status going to be when you are 36 or even 46 for that matter and still trying to instigate sex with this man!
If you stay with him or dont get it sorted and things dont change you will end up meeting someone who will be happy to shag you senseless, but you will be doing it behind his back. Thats my 2 cents!

ntlbell · 28-08-2007 9:03am

The bits that confused me were, why you mentioned you have your own buisness, car and house and then assume because your good looking that this is not the problem, very odd! anyway. come right out and ask him what's going on don't dance around this after 3 years.

Hagar · 28-08-2007 9:03am

yop wrote:

Maybe that fact he is 48 that he is not up to it! Is he fit and that, obviously no 48 year olds on here but what more can you do really.

What makes you say that? No only can I still get it up, I can type too.:D

thecleverone wrote:

Or maybe by the time you get to 48, you've had enough sex to last a life time and just can't be bothered.

You must be joking. I'm over 48 and if I don't get my "ration of passion" on a very regular basis there's no living with me.

You need to talk to the guy, everyone has different needs, perhaps there's something special that he's into that you haven't discovered yet?

seamus · 28-08-2007 9:04am

You need to tackle it head on. Sex is a make or break item for most relationships. Physical intimacy is crucial for any healthy relationship, so no matter how uncomfortable it makes him feel, or how defensive or upset he gets, you need to lay it on the line. Don't let him change the subject, don't let him turn it around.

Ultimately, you need to decide what you're going to do if he can't/won't change. Can you put up with this for another twenty years? Do you want kids? Decide what your position is and then hand it to him. Saying that you want sex or you're going elsewhere, is not being selfish. It's being realistic.

thecleverone · 28-08-2007 9:10am

why you mentioned you have your own buisness, car and house and then assume because your good looking that this is not the problem, very odd! anyway

Sorry. The reason i mentioned all of the above, was not to be cocky, but to let people know that i am successful in my own right and that i'm not with an older man for the money, which far too many people (who don't know us) presume i am (and for the record and any cynical people out there, he isn't loaded). I'm with him because he's a great guy but like i've said, i have my needs.

Have you always initiated in the evenings or early mornings?
and do you initiate in the spur of the moment or do you plan it in advance and preapre the ground with intimate notes and texts and things like that

I always make time to set the mood. I give him back and foot massages and try to lead on from there, cook lovely meals, light candles etc. Doesn't work. I also took him away to a hotel last weekend for some time together, very romantic and everything but still, nothing ever happens.

yop · 28-08-2007 9:13am

Hagar wrote:

What makes you say that? No only can I still get it up, I can type too.:D

I was told u were 58!! sorry, did not realise u were that young!!

Kimbot · 28-08-2007 9:15am

thecleverone wrote:

Sorry. The reason i mentioned all of the above, was not to be cocky, but to let people know that i am successful in my own right and that i'm not with an older man for the money, which far too many people (who don't know us) presume i am (and for the record and any cynical people out there, he isn't loaded). I'm with him because he's a great guy but like i've said, i have my needs.

Well everybody has their needs, wake up some morning, pull a sickie from work and stay in bed all day just the 2 of you.
If he refuses try using the dildo on front of him, if that doesn't make him go for it then nothing will!!

Floppybits · 28-08-2007 9:28am

Have to agree with other posters on here that have suggested using the dildo in front of him. If that dont get him going I dont know what will. The next time you try have sex with him and he rolls over then simply pleasure yourself in front of him, if that doesn't get a reaction out of him, I would seriously sit down and have a chat with him. I dont know about the other guys on here but I find a girl pleasuring herself such a turn that no matter how tired I was I would be up and ready for action so to speak.:D

yop · 28-08-2007 9:28am

Actually ya Jonnie is right, have u tried that, using the dildo in front of him? If the man doesn;t raise flag after that then maybe the fishing rod is broken?

Marksie · 28-08-2007 9:30am

thecleverone wrote:

I always make time to set the mood. I give him back and foot massages and try to lead on from there, cook lovely meals, light candles etc. Doesn't work. I also took him away to a hotel last weekend for some time together, very romantic and everything but still, nothing ever happens.

then you simply have to sit down and talk openly.

By doing nothing you are facilitating his continued behaviour.

He shouldn't be made to feel that this is a chore but something a couple does to keep the intimacy going.
Tell me of interest, is he affectionate in other ways?

thecleverone · 28-08-2007 9:34am

Tell me of interest, is he affectionate in other ways

Absolutely. He is very caring, sensitive, always has a cuddle for me, looks at me adoringly. He is generally an affectionate guy - in private. The only thing is that he doesn't really hold hands with me in public and is not generally affectionate in public at all. He says he couldn't give a **** what people think of the age difference, but i think it does bother him what people are thinking.

thecleverone · 28-08-2007 9:37am

Actually ya Jonnie is right, have u tried that, using the dildo in front of him?

No, i haven't done that. I don't want to feed his insecurities by manually doing something that he should be doing... and that he should WANT to be doing.

Marksie · 28-08-2007 9:40am

thecleverone wrote:

Absolutely. He is very caring, sensitive, always has a cuddle for me, looks at me adoringly. He is generally an affectionate guy - in private. The only thing is that he doesn't really hold hands with me in public and is not generally affectionate in public at all. He says he couldn't give a **** what people think of the age difference, but i think it does bother him what people are thinking.

I think the age difference bothers him more than he is letting on... a lot more than he is letting on.

I am beginnig to belive he has perfromance anxiety issues, intimacy issues and rather than deal with them with you, he is hiding from them effectively hoping they will go away. but is compensating in other ways hoping it will be sufficient

Whcih means to reiterate he has communication issues with you, he may very well be etrrified that you will walk. Which at some point you will if it continues, i cannot see you from what you have said continuing like this. It is not too great a step to see you having a fling. So by not tackling it he will create the situation he fears.

You two simply HAVE to talk

Hagar · 28-08-2007 9:42am

There is something to be said about the self pleasuring idea.
However it would have to be a little bit more subtle than "Fnck you, I'll do it myself and whipping out your Black & Decker".

yop · 28-08-2007 9:46am

thecleverone wrote:

No, i haven't done that. I don't want to feed his insecurities by manually doing something that he should be doing... and that he should WANT to be doing.

I don;t mean it that u make him feel inferior or anything, use it as an ice breaker, tell your as horny as hell, ask him will he watch. Make sure ur both in the cot though, no point if he is sitting in one chair and u in the other.

But I still think you need to talk it out also.

patrickolee · 28-08-2007 9:53am

Sounds like you need a deep and meaningful 20 minute relationship. I always check my pms :-)

jackdaw · 28-08-2007 9:53am

COP YOURSELF ON!!!!

48 !!

when he was 28 you were a 6 year old !!!

he's a fukin peadophile!!!

thecleverone · 28-08-2007 9:56am

COP YOURSELF ON!!!!
48 !!
when he was 28 you were a 6 year old !!!
he's a fukin peadophile!!!

But he's not 28 and i'm not 6. We're both adults so get some perspective.

yomchi · 28-08-2007 10:00am

jackdaw wrote:

COP YOURSELF ON!!!!

48 !!

when he was 28 you were a 6 year old !!!

he's a fukin peadophile!!!

and your fcukin dope

thecleverone · 28-08-2007 10:01am

Thanks Jon. I didn't want to state the obvious

Dukephil · 28-08-2007 10:05am

Oh Dear!
Surprised that it has lasted this long to be honest. Everyone's sex drive goes through peaks and troughs. add to this the fact that everyone has a different average sex drive and there is a big variety. There are midicines available. Allied to the famous blue pill, there are testosterone pateches etc. that a GP can prescribe. talk to your BF, not when you are in bed together, but when you are up and about. Explain that it is an important part of the relationship for you. Send him to his GP. Do not take no for an answer! Good luck!

CrazyNoob · 28-08-2007 10:05am

thecleverone wrote:

But he's not 28 and i'm not 6. We're both adults so get some perspective.

Very true,

But what I think jackdaw might have been crudley trying to reference is the large age gap.
I.e. Thinking of Big Daddy and the ' wrinkly old balls quote'

The average 26 year old would be more active than the average 48 year old, IMO he isnt going to change if he turning to sleep he has low sex drive, so only solution is too put up with it or change him

Hagar · 28-08-2007 10:11am

Have you tried mornings? He may be genuinely tired / run-down at the end of the day.

Macca07 · 28-08-2007 10:15am

Def think the age difference is bothering him. Maybe he feels ur too young for him to be sleeping with, just a thought. Trust me, it'll only get worse for you in the next few years, you'll be hitting ur sexual peak in another few years, if ur frustrated now just imagine what you'll be like then!!!

I could always offer u a helping hand or two!!!

Marksie · 28-08-2007 10:17am

Patrikolee and Jakdaw: Please read the charter on unhelpful posting
Jon: use the report post button. Also read the charter on personal abuse.

That was a warning for all concerned

thecleverone · 28-08-2007 10:17am

Yep, morning, noon and night. There's no "good" time to try and instigate sex. And on the very rare occasion he does get "playful" he never lets me touch him. So trying to arouse him is tough when he keeps pushing me away.

Kimbot · 28-08-2007 10:17am

Have you suggested a day off work??

If not here are a few tips:

1. Get a lie in so you are fresh and alive when you wake up.
2. Maybe run a bath and jump in it together and wash each other

3. Just spend time kissing and cuddling in bed.
4. Some massage oils and give him a sensual massage.
5. Maybe buy a nice gift for him aswell.

For the evening session:

Go for a romantic meal together, maybe a drink of 2 and then head home and repeat any of the steps above that have worked!!

If that fails then you will really need to sit down and talk to him about it!!

Kimbot · 28-08-2007 10:19am

thecleverone wrote:

So trying to arouse him is tough when he keeps pushing me away.

To me this line suggests something is bothering him but if you show that nothing bothers you about it then its all good so I suggest you try the tips in the post above, when I suffer a dry patch that works a treat!!

dixiefly · 28-08-2007 10:33am

You need to talk to him about it and try to fully reassure him in the event of any insecurities.

Find out if he WANTS to develop a proper sexual relationship with you.

If he does try to help him. Follow up with a weekend away and take things from there.

Not saying that is the answer but imo this is how you should progress it.

LegacyUser · 28-08-2007 10:37am

thecleverone wrote:

So trying to arouse him is tough when he keeps pushing me away.

This speaks VOLUMES to me. If he does have ED (Erectile Dysfunction), irrespective of the severity of it he is probably scared about how you will react if you do try to arouse him but nothing happens. When i got together with my fiance I was a virgin and she wasn't, and I was very nervous about being intimate with her which caused a few erectile issues. When she would play with me and nothing would happen it would break her heart.

If he doesnt try to have sex with you, then him not being able to perform is not an issue. Im not saying that is the right attitude to have, but it may be how he is thinking.

I think you need to sit him down and have a big conversation with him about this. It may not be about either of you, but something that he has no control over. As a man, the thought of not being able to perform scares us senseless and he may be afraid to confront it. If you do talk about it you need to be very understanding and even offer to go with him to the GP, even just to sit outside and provide moral support on the way to and from it.

muppetkiller · 28-08-2007 10:54am

Viagra crushed and slipped into his tea an hour before bed hehe...
Even if he's not interested you can fire ahead while he's asleep lol

Seriously though does he have performance woes ? Was it ever a case that he was interested sexually ? If your cuddling with him can you feel him getting an erection ?

slemons · 28-08-2007 11:03am

lol ya viagra!
or else give me a call. im a 23 yr old sprinter/rugby player. i'll give ya enough to keep you going for another 3 yrs

lol

thecleverone · 28-08-2007 11:17am

If your cuddling with him can you feel him getting an erection ?

I wish. But unfortunately not.

Viagra crushed and slipped into his tea an hour before bed hehe...

Has passed my mind a few times i have to say.

Beruthiel · 28-08-2007 11:23am

slemons wrote:

lol ya viagra!
or else give me a call. im a 23 yr old sprinter/rugby player. i'll give ya enough to keep you going for another 3 yrs

lol

I'll ban you from this forum if I see another comment like the above.
Read this forums charter.
B

littlesurfer · 28-08-2007 11:28am

three years i don't think i would have lasted it maybe its time to have a serious discussion, one where he'll have to face the issue and talk about it....let him know if he's not willing to discuss it then you'll have to consider leaving.

yop · 28-08-2007 11:30am

Maybe it is ED then, personally I would find it near impossible to discuss that with my partner, that must be a tough issue.

If he does not get 1 when you are close. Without getting too detailed, what does it take to get him flying? Or is it just a case that he cannot full stop.

Maybe this is a medical issue, which is a far as boards.ie goes.

thecleverone · 28-08-2007 11:31am

You might be right. I've been too complacent. Thats my problem. Although i've tried talking about it on a few occasions, i've never really pushed the matter. If he doesn't want to talk about it, i'm usually ok with that cause i don't want him to feel uncomfortable. I'm quite a laid back person but the frustration has been getting to me more and more lately.

thecleverone · 28-08-2007 11:35am

Maybe it is ED then, personally I would find it near impossible to discuss that with my partner, that must be a tough issue

I'm so glad you know where i'm coming from. Its not a normal everyday subject to drop into conversation. I'm pretty sure ED is what it is, but when i try to bring the subject up to see if he'd consider going to his GP for advice, he won't talk about it. How do i get him to take his guard down? When i've tried talking about it, he won't listen, and i keep saying to him that its me he's talking to and not a stranger. It hurts that he can't discuss it with me. We can talk about everything else in the whole world but not this one subject.

scoobydoo2 · 28-08-2007 11:40am

thecleverone wrote:

You might be right. I've been too complacent. Thats my problem. Although i've tried talking about it on a few occasions, i've never really pushed the matter. If he doesn't want to talk about it, i'm usually ok with that cause i don't want him to feel uncomfortable. I'm quite a laid back person but the frustration has been getting to me more and more lately.

A man of almost 50 is not going to have much of a sex drive, you need to look at the bigger picture and realise this will only get worse with age say 10 years from now. Maby cut your losses and try someone your own age for a change maby not what you wanna here but probaly the best option, your young so sex should be fun and you should be havin a lot of it, i do and im 34 but have to have it a least 4 times a week and so should eevery one

Kimbot · 28-08-2007 11:43am

scoobydoo2 wrote:

A man of almost 50 is not going to have much of a sex drive, you need to look at the bigger picture and realise this will only get worse with age say 10 years from now. Maby cut your losses and try someone your own age for a change maby not what you wanna here but probaly the best option, your young so sex should be fun and you should be havin a lot of it, i do and im 34 but have to have it a least 4 times a week and so should eevery one

Well according to the paper last week men in the 60's and 70's have regular sex so age is not an issue!! Its more so something that is bothering him so I think a few people are right about ED but I would try everything else first before coming to that conclusion.
He might just be uncomfortable about his body, he might think that he doesn't pleasuse his lady enough, he might think he cums too quick. It can be any number of things so rule them all out first!!

I need sex now!

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