GF wants to go debs with other guy

NiSmO · 22-08-2007 9:48am #1

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Kinetic^ · 22-08-2007 9:52am

No Forking Way!!!!!!!!!!

6th · 22-08-2007 9:52am

I can understand that she would want to go seeing as all her friends are going.

With it being still early in the relationship I think you should show her some trust and let her go. It will give you a good idea of where the relationship is heading and will also show her that you are willing to trust her.

6th · 22-08-2007 9:53am

Of course you have to be prepared that something might happen but if she's the kind of girl that will cheat then it will happen sooner or later, if she's not then you are fine.

Fwaggle · 22-08-2007 9:54am

NiSmO wrote:

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Was she actually asking you if it was ok that she went or was she just letting you know that she was going? Personally, I don't think it's up to you whether or not to "let her" go. This guy is her friend - whether you like him or not is immaterial...don't be so overbearing.

Noelie · 22-08-2007 9:56am

I wouldn't be too keen on my g/f going to a debs with anoter guy. Even for the guy to ask knowing she's going out with someone is a bit cheeky.

TerrorFirmer · 22-08-2007 9:56am

That's a tough one. I'm sure you trust her but more so then her I'd be suspicious of why exactly this other guy is asking her - is is genuinely a friends thing or is it liable to be more of a possible effort on his part. I can't really say, no-one can, better then you as we don't know these people. If he is that sort of guy then I'd definitely maintain the 'No' line, as regardless of any potential good intentions mixing a good social event, with a lot of alcohol, and a situation like you're describing and things could turn out for the worst. Or, of course, they mightn't, and it could be a purely friendly and innocent occasion but there is always going to be an element of risk there whatever way you look at it. I really think you can only decide what's what, because like I said we don't know these people, their history, or anything else like that. Hope it all works out for you anyway.

folan · 22-08-2007 9:57am

let her go. if something happens, (and i dont mean this to sound sh**y but) if she does something, then at least you know shes a scumbag. Especially seeing as youve shown you trust her

SlyRax · 22-08-2007 10:02am

Pretty nasty situation. I must say if I was around your age I would say no aswell. But now that I've been in a few relationships I would show a bit of trust and let her go. If anything happens well then she isn't the type of girl you should be with. There'll be plenty more women when you hit college anyway

. Let her go and then head out that night with friends or something to keep your mind off the situation don't just sit in your room getting worked up about it. Yeah the guy she's going with is probably into her and wants to get stuck in but if it happens it happens and she's a slut anyway so just walk away, you'll get over it!

MrBaseball · 22-08-2007 10:02am

Let her go if she wants to. You're both young. If she likes you she won't do anything with him. If she does anything, get rid of her. Remember though, you're a young couple, don't waste your time stressing over this and trying to force her not to go. That will only lead to resentment and that's never a good thing for a relationship.

Shinners23 · 22-08-2007 10:03am

Ohhhh - Op I think you should trust her and let her go. She wants to go coz her friends are going. I do agree with Noelie, it is a bit cheeky of the other guy to ask her knowing she's in a relationship!!!

Wagon · 22-08-2007 10:04am

Fwaggle wrote:

Personally, I don't think it's up to you whether or not to "let her" go. This guy is her friend - whether you like him or not is immaterial...don't be so overbearing.

I think the OP trusts his girlfriend but not the bloke.

OP, if she wants to stall it along with this spa then you can't really stop her as such. Just tell her that you'd be uncomfortable with it. If it's going well, i doubt anything will happen and if it does, better to realise she's a bollix now then in a years time

BaZmO* · 22-08-2007 10:07am

Ah FFS! I thought that it was her own debs that she wanted to take someone else to.

I don't think you have a choice in the matter and it's not as if it was a stranger that asked her to go.

As for people suggesting that she might end up with him on the night, well that could happen any night. If she's gonna cheat she doesn't need a debs to do it.

layke · 22-08-2007 10:07am

Wagon wrote:

I think the OP trusts his girlfriend but not the bloke.

Rightly so.

If anything i'd be well wary of his intentions. Also I would have let him know I thought he was way out of line for asking in the first place.

If you do let her go, ket him know your on to him.

Kinetic^ · 22-08-2007 10:09am

Tell her you've been invited to a debs by a friend of yours.......see how she likes that one!!!!!

py2006 · 22-08-2007 10:12am

OP, I can understand how you feel. It does seem a bit strange that she isn't bringing you to the debs. That guy has some nerve asking her in the first place knowing she has a boyfriend. I certainly wouldn't have the balls to do it.

Could you imagine her reaction if you told her "by the way I am not taking you to my debs, I am bringing this other girl". Well I don't have to tell you the reaction you would get there.

Can you go to the Debs yourself with another girl "friend" ??

BaZmO* · 22-08-2007 10:15am

layke wrote:

If you do let her go, ket him know your on to him.

Let her go?? Haha!!! What, does he own her or something?

py2006 wrote:

It does seem a bit strange that she isn't bringing you to the debs.

It's not her debs.

Wagon · 22-08-2007 10:20am

BaZmO* wrote:

Let her go?? Haha!!! What, does he own her or something?

No, but the chap who's asked her seems like a bit of a gob****e (based on what the OP said about him and the fact that your man actually asked her knowing that she has a boyfriend, which was rightly pointed out by py2006) He just doesn't want to lose her.

PeakOutput · 22-08-2007 10:25am

eh op your completely overreacting if you dont trust her to go out for a night with one of her friends its not going to last too long tbh

NiSmO · 22-08-2007 10:27am

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BaZmO* · 22-08-2007 10:31am

NiSmO wrote:

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And is she so weak that she can't say no?

NiSmO · 22-08-2007 10:32am

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Pyjamarama · 22-08-2007 10:36am

Maybe her friend has no-one else to ask and if all his mates are going with girls from her group as friends then I don't see the problem. To be fair it's just a big night out and your girlfriend will feel like she's missing out if all her friends are going. I wouldn't think your girlfriend has any ulterior motives. The guy might but if you have a strong relationship that doesn't matter as she won't do anything.

Honestly it'll just be a fun night to get all dressed up with the girls and she'll feel really left out if all her friends are going, buying a nice dress, getting their hair done etc. Look at it from her point of view. I don't think you should worry.

BKtje · 22-08-2007 10:36am

Personally i wouldn't like her to go but i wouldnt tell her not to go. It might feel to her that you're possesive and controlling. Dont want that

However i would talk to her about my fears if the other guy is known to try his luck and i'd deffo have a word with the bloke just to let him know what i expect of him

BaZmO* · 22-08-2007 10:37am

NiSmO wrote:

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What?

How is it uncalled for? It's a legitimate question.

And if you feel the need to report me well then fire away buddy. :rolleyes:

Petey2006 · 22-08-2007 10:41am

NiSmO wrote:

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It takes two to tango mate. You may not trust him, but if he DID try something, that does not mean your girlfriend will reciprocate. If she does, well then she's not meant for you and you dump her ass. Trust her. Let her go. It'll earn you brownie points anyway if you show you trust her.

Talliesin · 22-08-2007 10:44am

NiSmO wrote:

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And she's incapable of saying no?

PeakOutput · 22-08-2007 10:45am

NiSmO wrote:

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who cares if he tries something as long as your g/f does not respond you can deal with that if/when it happens but trying to stop her going in the first place because of something that might happen will be alot more damaging than reacting to something that has actually happened after

edit; i also agree with baz his comment was valid

Chinafoot · 22-08-2007 10:49am

NiSmO wrote:

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Oh for gods sake. That's one sentence that really bugs me every time I see it here. If you trust her then you have nothing to worry about. Can he force her to do the dirt on you?!

You're with her 6 months and this guy has known her, by your own admission, longer than you have. You might not like him but he's her mate. You can't come along and pick and choose who she spends time with just because she's your girlfriend now.

NiSmO wrote:

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As has already been mentioned, was she actually asking for permission? I seriously doubt it, and if she was then she needs to cop on to herself. She is not your property and she does not need your approval to go to a debs with a group of her friends.

You've said she hangs out with this group, and has done since before you came along, so how is the debs any different to a night on the piss with them? All her friends are going, right? So they'll be dressed up formally instead for a night in the pub and chances are they'll all be sitting together around a big table getting drunk and having a laugh...like friends do.

Has it even crossed your mind that maybe this guy is doing her a favour by asking her? Maybe she really wanted to go since the rest of the group are going and he said "ah sure just come with me". Maybe he's scared/can't be arsed to ask someone else to go with him. Completely innocent and completely plausible.

OP, wise up tbh. You try to stop her going and it'll end in trouble for the relationship.

Vegeta · 22-08-2007 11:00am

Indifference is the way to go.

Act like "I don't care, its fine"

She may then wonder "hey why isn't my boyfriend more upset that I am going to the debs with another fella"

less tension overall. It may annoy the crap out of you but she's going to go if she wants and begging and pleading with her will just drive you away from her

Beruthiel · 22-08-2007 11:02am

NiSmO wrote:

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Should i let her go?

*boggle*
Boy oh boy but you have a lot to learn about women NiSmO.

First off, she's can do as she pleases, you're not the boss of her.
You have two options as I see it.

1. Dump her.
2. Stay with her because you trust her, tell her you are very uncomfortable with the situation and are not happy she's going with your man to the debs. And leave it at that.

that uncalled for baz shut it or i'l report you!

Baz question was valid and I'd like you to read this forums charter with regards to such comments.

Vegeta · 22-08-2007 11:04am

First off, she's can do as she pleases, you're not the boss of her.

are people here implying that they have never asked their other halves for permission to do something?

I know I have

Anthony_1980 · 22-08-2007 11:12am

if she's set on going , she's gonna go end of

she doesnt respect ur position , what would she do if table was turned

id giver her ultimatum ie

either him or me

then u know where u stand , its not un-reasonable

PeakOutput · 22-08-2007 11:15am

Vegeta wrote:

are people here implying that they have never asked their other halves for permission to do something?

I know I have

i would never ask for permission and id never expect to be asked unless it was something like "i know i said i could meet u tonight but bah blah is going out can i blow you off nd go out wit the lads?"

PeakOutput · 22-08-2007 11:16am

Anthony_1980 wrote:

its not un-reasonable

its so far beyond reasonable that if he does this he deserves to get dumped

NiSmO · 22-08-2007 11:18am

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Fwaggle · 22-08-2007 11:19am

Anthony_1980 wrote:

id giver her ultimatum ie

either him or me

then u know where u stand , its not un-reasonable

Mother of God :rolleyes:

Lola123 · 22-08-2007 11:22am

NiSmO wrote:

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So what if he tries something? If you trust your gf then that shouldn't matter. Like other posters have said, she doesn't need a debs to cheat if thats what she wants to do!
Have you considered the fact that maybe he has asked her because she's part of the group of friends so he doesn't feel the pressure of bringing a "date"?
A few friends of mine brought ppl who had gf's/bf's to debs and it was purely because they needed someone to bring and would rather bring a mate than a randomer who they'd feel they had to score.
Let her go op, you may be making this into a bigger deal than it is and giving ur gf the impression that you don't trust her which is a turn off.

Beruthiel · 22-08-2007 11:22am

Vegeta wrote:

are people here implying that they have never asked their other halves for permission to do something?

There's a large difference between the words 'ask' and 'tell' Veg.
It's manners to 'ask', it's very bad manners to 'tell' someone what they can and can't do.

22-08-2007 11:22am

I... don't understand what the problem is here. He's just a friend, she doesn't have to spend the whole evening with him, and it's not like she's implicitly agreeing to sleep with him. Why on earth shouldn't she go? It's a fun night out...

Vegeta · 22-08-2007 11:29am

PeakOutput wrote:

i would never ask for permission and id never expect to be asked unless it was something like "i know i said i could meet u tonight but bah blah is going out can i blow you off nd go out wit the lads?"

but that's what I'm talking about everyone asks their partners for permission for something. Its generally a "will you be mad if I do the following" type question.

"Can I cancel our date to go on the lash with one of my mates"

is not a million miles away from

"A male friend has asked me to go to the debs with him, is it ok if I go."

In both cases you are weighing up how mad you partner will get from your proposed actions and deciding are the actions worth the hardship caused to someone you care about.

Vegeta · 22-08-2007 11:30am

Beruthiel wrote:

There's a large difference between the words 'ask' and 'tell' Veg.
It's manners to 'ask', it's very bad manners to 'tell' someone what they can and can't do.

very good point

22-08-2007 11:33am

Why not dip into your pocket/raid your communion money and book a holiday in spain/portugal or somewhere that includes the day of the debs?( It also gives her a legitimate excuse to cancel going to the dabs as she can say you had it as a surprise

)

That should trump yer man.Tell her that you don't like him and you think he's doing it deliberately (don't look like a fruit cake when you say that-be as calm as you can).
Then tell her you love her and want to bring her to the sun instead of her spending time with yer man

StormWarrior · 22-08-2007 11:49am

NiSmO wrote:

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What gives you the right to try and stop her? How would you like it if she refused to "let" you go to a function with your friends? If you don't trust her and think something may happen between her and this bloke, then it's going to happen regardless of whether you "let" her go or not. In fact, if she doesn't go because of you, she will probably regret not going and blame you for it in the future.

I would never dream of telling my boyfriend he's not allowed to do something, or to stop him from hanging out with whoever he likes, and he would never try and stop me from doing anything. If he was the kind of person who would create such a fuss about me having a night out with friends, I would seriously question whether I should be with him.

KilbarrackBlows · 22-08-2007 12:01pm

OP: ever think maybe her friend just doesnt have a date for his debs and just asked to come with him because she is his friend ?

i went to my debs with a friend she had a b/f but she was just a friend.

Q_Ball · 22-08-2007 12:01pm

BaZmO* wrote:

Ah FFS! I thought that it was her own debs that she wanted to take someone else to.

I don't think you have a choice in the matter and it's not as if it was a stranger that asked her to go.

As for people suggesting that she might end up with him on the night, well that could happen any night. If she's gonna cheat she doesn't need a debs to do it.

+1

I thought it was to her debs too, that would have been well out of order!

Agree with most other posts in that its really up to you but in asking you she shows that she cares what you think. Telling her no was wrong, you should have just voiced your concerns. End of the day they're mates and you should trust

a) your gf
b) that her friendship with the other bloke is more important to her than risking it
c) he might feel the same way about (b)

I mean, maybe he couldnt get someone to go with him, maybe he just wanted to go with someone he knew so there would be no nerves than with someone he didnt know, maybe its because all her friends are going too.

NiSmO · 22-08-2007 12:13pm

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Lemming · 22-08-2007 12:27pm

I've been in a similar situation although the girl in question wasn't seeing anyone at the time, but was invited to my debs as a friend (and I mean as a friend).

This may come as a shocking revelation to some people, but guys can actually have plutonic friendships with girls at age 17/18/19 ...

TBH, either the OP trusts his g/f enough to let her go or doesn't in which case there are major trust issues and the relationship is doomed to failure sooner rather than later. You don't have to trust the other guy, but you do have to place some trust in your girlfriend.

edanto · 22-08-2007 12:55pm

NiSmO seems like you're coming round to a more laid back view of things. Does she know yet that you think you overreacted earlier when you said 'no'?

Backpedal quick and explain that you were just a little jealous or something, but now you see that she just wants to have a fun night with her friends.

Being overly possesive can drive people away - sh1t it would freak you out if she said that you couldn't go for drinks after work/school with some girl friends.

The only way to build trust is to give some.

MrBaseball · 22-08-2007 12:58pm

Lemming wrote:

This may come as a shocking revelation to some people, but guys can actually have plutonic friendships with girls at age 17/18/19 ...

Depends how goodlooking she is. Even then I guess if she's a massive headmelter then he mightn't want anything physical, maybe.. Why would he be her friend then though? Would would a single guy age 17/18/19 want to have platonic friendships with girls he gets on with, when his impulses are telling him that he NEEDS to have sex?

To be honest,I reckon it's a rare platonic friendship at that age involving a single guy that doesn't involve hidden feelings or desires of some sort.

Lemming · 22-08-2007 1:04pm

MrBaseball wrote:

Depends how goodlooking she is. Even then I guess if she's a massive headmelter then he mightn't want anything physical, maybe.. Why would he be her friend then though? Would would a single guy age 17/18/19 want to have platonic friendships with girls he gets on with, when his impulses are telling him that he NEEDS to have sex?

To be honest,I reckon it's a rare platonic friendship at that age involving a single guy that doesn't involve hidden feelings or desires of some sort.

And I'm telling you it's quite quite possible from personal experience. Yes the girl in question was attractive (very attractive actually), but I didn't view her like that - more as a friend/little-sister.

Jeez, wtf is it with people doing this constant "guys don't have girl friends, they want to jump eveything in a skirt" crap that goes on. B*llocks!! YOU may not be able to on account of having a) lack of willpower and/or b) insecurities, but that's not to tell everyone else that they can't either because you don't believe it yourself.

GF wants to go debs with other guy

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