Man playing games?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Some input would be appreciated. Its not a serious issue compared to others on the boards but anyway.....

Went on a 1st date with a guy on Friday and we got on very well. Had a lot of fun and plenty to talk about. Kiss on the cheek at the end of the night and he said he would be in touch soon.

Now he has made contact each day since by text and mail - its been short messges e.g. about a play I was going to and football game etc etc but he has not suggested that we meet again.... I have been replying in a friendly manner but guess I am just curious if people think he should have mentioned meeting again by now if he was interested....

Nevyn

Why don't you ask him out on a date ?

Firetrap

+1

Maybe he doesn't know that you like him and is testing the water a bit. If he didn't like you or didn't want to see you again he wouldn't be staying in contact. There's nothing to lose by asking him out/suggesting ye go for a cup of coffee or whatever.

SarahSassy

Well in fairness Nestle I would not ask a guy out for a second date.... From my own experience when I have made 'forward' moves early in a relationship it has never worked out.

Why dont you see how it plays out and if he doesnt seem to be willing to take the plunge then move on.

Rosso

NestleHead wrote:

Hi All,

Some input would be appreciated. Its not a serious issue compared to others on the boards but anyway.....

Went on a 1st date with a guy on Friday and we got on very well. Had a lot of fun and plenty to talk about. Kiss on the cheek at the end of the night and he said he would be in touch soon.

Now he has made contact each day since by text and mail - its been short messges e.g. about a play I was going to and football game etc etc but he has not suggested that we meet again.... I have been replying in a friendly manner but guess I am just curious if people think he should have mentioned meeting again by now if he was interested....

You said you had plenty of fun but does he know that? Maybe he's unsure if you enjoyed yourself that night and is shy to ask you out again. The fact that he's texting you so often shows that he's probably very interested. Ask him out I say !

Anthony_1980

happened to me before but if he aint that confident in himself then maybe he doesnt know if u like him , why not text saying u missed chatting in person and maybe he might suggest a 2nd date

Anthony_1980

quick note to sassysarah

why woudnt u ask a man out ???

why move on if he doesnt ask her out ??

why cant women ever just do the work for a change ??

u could pass on the best thing ever just because u 2 big headed to ask a man out

mean women in general not u

i mean 1 woman asked me out a while back and out of all gf's i had over years , with her was he most special as i knew she really liked me cause she asked me etc

romance is 2 ways

SarahSassy

I am only speaking from my experience.... When I have done this in the past it has never worked out for me.... I found that the guys became more complacent and I seemed to continue to do most of the work....

Personal experience only and if a girl has the nerve to do it fair play to her. I have been burnt once to often and now prefer to let the guy make the moves.....

I am more than willing to pull my weight but do think that the guy (for me) should do the asking the first few times..

Nevyn

Ring him up and ask him out it is not that hard and can be as casual as you want it to be.

SarahSassy

She didnt ask if she should ask him out!! She asked if his behaviour leads you to believe he will ask her out again......

Nevyn

Why wait we have no idea if what information she has given can lead anyone here to conculde that.

I have asked several people out over the course of my life and never regereted it and I would not be with my current partner if I had not suggest we meet up for coffee.

dudara

To use a cliched phrase - Carpe Diem

In other words, if you feel that you liked him, grab life by the balls and take the initiative. There's nothing to lose and everything to gain. Remember that men are often as paranoid about making the moves as women are. You only have to read half the threads on this board to see that.

Sleepy

SarahSassy, frankly your attitude is arrogant and sexist.

OP, ask the guy out.

EDO

dudara wrote:

To use a cliched phrase - Carpe Diem

In other words, if you feel that you liked him, grab life by the balls and take the initiative. There's nothing to lose and everything to gain. Remember that men are often as paranoid about making the moves as women are. You only have to read half the threads on this board to see that.

I concur entirely - go for it - if he likes you he likes you - if not ,well you'll know and wont be fretting over a lost cause - seriously, men are not that hard to figure out - he's probably trying to muster up the cojones to make the same call - all this game and rule talk will be the death of the human race at the rate things are going! Gawd almighty - if it comes down to exact hours and days between communications to decide these things - I dont know!

McGinty

I would agree do ask him, I know in a way where you come from SassySarah, I have also asked guys out and they have intepretated it as a sign of desperateness, however I look at it in this way, if they see my openess as desperate then they are immature, I still chat blokes up and to be honest they love it, it gives them an ego boost and I get to chat with and at times snog a great looking bloke who is good fun, for those who see it as something more I say let them on. If women wish to be seen as equals then we need to act so, and if men see it as a problem then we need to educate them.

In answer to the op, the guy in question is interested purely because he is keeping in touch, if you wish to wait then go ahead but if you want another date then ask, if he acts daft about that then he is too immature and you have found out quickly he is not for you,

Jesus Wept

McGinty wrote:

I would agree do ask him, I know in a way where you come from SassySarah, I have also asked guys out and they have intepretated it as a sign of desperateness, however I look at it in this way, if they see my openess as desperate then they are immature, I still chat blokes up and to be honest they love it, it gives them an ego boost and I get to chat with and at times snog a great looking bloke who is good fun, for those who see it as something more I say let them on. If women wish to be seen as equals then we need to act so, and if men see it as a problem then we need to educate them.

In answer to the op, the guy in question is interested purely because he is keeping in touch, if you wish to wait then go ahead but if you want another date then ask, if he acts daft about that then he is too immature and you have found out quickly he is not for you,

exactly.


Anyhow, any man that thinks a woman is 'desperate' for asking him out, surely can't have a very good opinion of himself!?

Wibbs

He's been in contact every day. That's a big neon 20ft high letters sign that he's interested in 90% of cases. That said, there are a load of women who would be all freaked out thinking the guy is a stalker.:rolleyes: You're good to go so go for it.

TheJoker

Why not just send him a cheeky message saying "So are ya going to ask me out again " Be sure to put the smilies in though so he knows its light hearted...Works for some people!

Warning: May back fire if the humour is not seen

Talliesin

I'm sure you've heard of the phenomemnon where a man wants to ask a woman out, but feels shy and worried about doing so.

It doesn't seem impossible that this is the case here.

He's putting in lots of effort, albeit rather missing the mark.

I wouldn't worry about "playing games" too much, just ask him out (he probably is "playing games" in a way, just give him a clue-by-four by asking him why he didn't ask you out himself when you're on that date).

MrBaseball

My current girlfriend asked me out. I'm not a shy person, and I was leading up to it anyway, but she just mentioned it earlier in our conversation than I did. Anyway, that kind of thing doesn't do any harm. I don't think less of her because of it or think it was a sign of desperation. I know she's not desperate because she's goodlooking and confident, I just see the fact that she was the one who asked me out as another sign of her confidence, and thats something I really like. I admire the fact that she's assertive enough to make a move that most women wouldn't be upto because of social norms and "games" and such.

Bit of a rambling post, but yeah, just ask him. The guy wouldn't be texting you so much if he wasn't interested. He's probably shy so just cut him a break. It's unlikely that he's playing "games" as such, since he's in contact with you.

Lola123

SarahSassy wrote:

I am only speaking from my experience.... When I have done this in the past it has never worked out for me.... I found that the guys became more complacent and I seemed to continue to do most of the work....

Personal experience only and if a girl has the nerve to do it fair play to her. I have been burnt once to often and now prefer to let the guy make the moves.....

I am more than willing to pull my weight but do think that the guy (for me) should do the asking the first few times..

Have to agree SarahSassy, this has been the case in my experience too.
Op, He asked you out the first time, he must have been interested. If he's still interested, he'll ask you out again. It might be the case that he's testing the waters to see if you want to see him again but the fact that you're responding to his messages/emails should be enough of an indication that you like him and would want to see him again.

Fwaggle

Lola123 wrote:

but the fact that you're responding to his messages/emails should be enough of an indication that you like him and would want to see him again.

And not vice versa? Ask him out - it's not that hard...

OP should just ask the guy out if she likes him and stop messing around

and if he takes issue to it, then it's his problem and he's an eejit anyway

problem solved

Lola123

Fwaggle wrote:

And not vice versa? Ask him out - it's not that hard...

No, I agree, it's not that hard at all. But if he likes her that much, what's he waiting for? True, the same could be said for both sides, but from experience any bloke who has REALLY liked me, asked me out again, they didn't hang around. Any bloke I've asked out hasn't been as into me.

Wagon

Give him a shout. Can't hurt to try.

Pyjamarama

Sleepy wrote:

SarahSassy, frankly your attitude is arrogant and sexist.

OP, ask the guy out.

She is merely speaking from experience. When she asked a guy out it didn't work out. I know girls who had kissed a guy a couple of times on a night out as they were in converging social circles, made the first move and asked the guy out on a 'date' and the guy has run a mile as his male pride felt threatened or he just didn't like her enough to date her properly.

Personally I think this situation is very different so I would just drop it casually into the conversation as the first date went well and with the amount of contact all signs point to him being interested but maybe too shy to bring it up. Go for it!

Sleepy

Pyjamarama wrote:

She is merely speaking from experience. When she asked a guy out it didn't work out. I know girls who had kissed a guy a couple of times on a night out as they were in converging social circles, made the first move and asked the guy out on a 'date' and the guy has run a mile as his male pride felt threatened or he just didn't like her enough to date her properly.

Completely different scenarios. In the one's you mentioned, the guy was clearly only interested in scoring her when they were both drunk. She asked him out, he wasn't interested. Simple as.

In the OP's scenario, the guy has already asked her out, he's clearly just unsure as to whether she's that interested and is to shy to ask her out or is leaving the ball in her court as it's her turn to do the asking (what do you call it? Treating her like an equal? Could that be it :rolleyes: )

Sleepy

Lola123 wrote:

No, I agree, it's not that hard at all. But if he likes her that much, what's he waiting for? True, the same could be said for both sides, but from experience any bloke who has REALLY liked me, asked me out again, they didn't hang around. Any bloke I've asked out hasn't been as into me.

And did you REALLy like the blokes that asked you out again? Or did you prefer the guys you asked? Surely for a relationship to be equal, it should start out with equal levels of effort from both parties rather than just the girl sitting by the phone waiting for the guy to call.

Lola123

Sleepy wrote:

And did you REALLy like the blokes that asked you out again? Or did you prefer the guys you asked? Surely for a relationship to be equal, it should start out with equal levels of effort from both parties rather than just the girl sitting by the phone waiting for the guy to call.

Sometimes I have, sometimes I haven't! All I'm trying to say is that from personal experience, it pays to keep your cards a lil close to your chest at the start of a relationship when you're not too sure about how things are going to go!
I definitely agree that there should be equal amounts of effort...but at the start in my experience it generally works out better if the bloke does most of the chasing.
And no one should sit beside the phone waiting for someone to call!

BaZmO*

Sleepy wrote:

SarahSassy, frankly your attitude is arrogant and sexist.

OP, ask the guy out.

:rolleyes: She's only speaking from her personal experience.

Sleepy wrote:

In the OP's scenario, the guy has already asked her out, he's clearly just unsure as to whether she's that interested and is to shy to ask her out or is leaving the ball in her court as it's her turn to do the asking (what do you call it? Treating her like an equal? Could that be it )

And you know this for a fact?

Sleepy

BaZmO* wrote:

:rolleyes: She's only speaking from her personal experience.

And basing her opinion of all men on the acts of a few. Should I conclude that all women are psychotic because of some of my personal experiences? Of course not, that would be sexist.

And you know this for a fact?

No. But I think it's pretty self evident. The facts we're provided by the OP all point that way. The guy wouldn't keep texting if he had no interest.

BaZmO*

Sleepy wrote:

And basing her opinion of all men on the acts of a few.

You can say that if you like but she quite clearly stated that "from her experience" and it never worked out.

Sleepy wrote:

No. But I think it's pretty self evident. The facts we're provided by the OP all point that way. The guy wouldn't keep texting if he had no interest.

Not necessarily, how do you know that he doesn't just want to be friends?

MrBaseball

BaZmO* wrote:

Not necessarily, how do you know that he doesn't just want to be friends?

There was a kiss on the cheek....

Anyway, despite what a lot of people here will say, if he's single it's highly unlikely he just wants to be friends.

TheBrig

I have to agree with some of the girls on this one, I have made moves like that, i.e. gone on one or two dates with guys and when they haven't asked me out again, I've taken the attitude of "hey its the 21st century etc", sent the text and asked them out again and each time been blown out. Without being completely old fashioned, I honestly think when a guy likes you, he will ask you out again. Text messages were invented by shy guys. Sorry to sound blunt but honestly, what is stopping him sending something like "hey by the way what are you doing on Friday night?" or "fancy meeting up again" - if you do it, you will go on the date wondering is he only being polite etc etc...

BaZmO*

MrBaseball wrote:

There was a kiss on the cheek....

Anyway, despite what a lot fo people here will say, if he's single it's highly unlikely he just wants to be friends.

I kiss female relatives on the cheek, doesn't mean I wanna date them.

Anyway, the point I was making was that no one here knows what the guy's intentions are.

Sure anyway, it was only last Friday that they went out. It's not as if it was a month ago, I'm sure the OP will be back here in a day or two saying that he's asked her out again.

Shinners23

Op - I defo say ask him out. The very fact he's texting you shows he's interested.

Please let us know how you get on... I love feedback!!:)

Talliesin

TheBrig wrote:

Text messages were invented by shy guys.

Text messages were invented by someone who was later shocked at how people actually used them for messages of emotional importance (really, I'm not making this up).

Do you think someone smart enough to be able to invent SMS would use text messages in such situations?

Still, the fact that you suggest he is shy is precisely why it's worth trying to ask him out - since he's too shy himself.

BaZmO*

OP, did he ask you out on the first date? If he did ask you out I'd very surprised if he was too shy to ask you out again. He's probably just biding his time.

LegacyUser

Ask him out at least you know where you stand.
My experience of this was met a guy on dating website, Texting for a while - met up had few dates which I felt went well and after those he was first to text to say he had a great time to which I responded saying I had a great time too, which was true. Anyway there was no sign of a follow up date although he was constantly texting.I suggested meeting for a coffee one day in particular and he was busy which was fine and said he'd meet a few days later. He continued texting and the day came for the coffee but he never brought it up about getting together so I left it thinking he was busy again. He kept texting so I got fed up as he never rang - I tried to ring him once and just got to leave a message. He never suggested meeting again so I asked straight out and he never responded. I knew then to hell with him, I just still cannot understand what he was texting for if he was interested!!

LegacyUser

'Thanks for your replies..... The first date was a set up. His cousin is my friend and he organised it so he didnt ask me out on a date as such.....

He texted me on Saturday afternoon to say he had a great time (I replied that I had a great time too) and he has been in touch everyday since (as I said).. The mails and texts have been over a back but no mention of meeting.

To be honest, I am getting a bit bored with it. I am not going to ask him out as I dont have the nerve and given the connection I dont want to look like an idiot. As TheBrig said I dont want to ask him out and him to come just to be polite....

Gut is telling me that he is shy and doesnt want to look like a idiot given his cousins involvement. He told his cousin on Sunday that he had a time but the cousin doesnt want to get involved and I dont want to go getting him to suss yer man out.... I think, if he were interested I feel he would have asked by now if even on mail / text.....'

Poco Loco

Sleepy wrote:

SarahSassy, frankly your attitude is arrogant and sexist.

OP, ask the guy out.

I disagree with you - I think SarahSassy has a point. It's a cynical one but it could well be true - it has certainly happened to me a few times. Men enjoy the chase, women enjoy being chased. Huge generalisation I know, but it is the case on average. Men want to feel they've worked for your affections and 'won' the girl. I know guys can be shy but it sounds like this girl, the OP, has been friendly and nice back to the guy so there doesn't seem to be anything to suggest to him that she would turn him down should he ask her again...

Mullah

This reminds me to a bad Seinfeld epsiode where the characters are agonizing over some minuscule social faux pas or possible faux pas.

1. Pick up phone.
2. Dial his number.
3. Ask him if he wants to go out again.
4. He will say yes; or he will say no.

Hand wringing will get you nowhere.

Unless, of course, you enjoy the drama more than the outcome.

LegacyUser

I am not going to ask him out and I guess at this stage he is not either... I have been very friendly and always responded as soon as I could... No games played but still no invite.....

I am assuming he wants to stay in touch as a friend but with no romance involved..

LegacyUser

Well OP you obviously weren't interested enough in him anyway, since you don't seem to pushed taking this further yourself. If you were that interested, well perhaps you're the one playing mind games here?

To the other female posters here, who advocate keeping you cards close to your chest and having the men do all the asking, wouldn't the world be a great place if we all did that, sure lets go back to the ballroom of romance days while we're at it with all the men on one side and the women on the other.

FFS, get yourselves into the 21st century and take your equal share of the risks as well as the rewards. I have much more respect for a woman who is prepared to ask a guy out if she likes him.

Giving the guys who run a mile as a reason never to do it is a wimpy argument IMO, these guys may not be worth it, so weeding them out this early is an advantage anyway, and you will find many well adjusted guys who don't react like this, and are flattered by the approach.

The way the OP is brushing it off makes me think she only wanted the attention and flattery of being asked out herself tbh.

TheBrig

Unperfect wrote:

Well OP you obviously weren't interested enough in him anyway, since you don't seem to pushed taking this further yourself. If you were that interested, well perhaps you're the one playing mind games here?

To the other female posters here, who advocate keeping you cards close to your chest and having the men do all the asking, wouldn't the world be a great place if we all did that, sure lets go back to the ballroom of romance days while we're at it with all the men on one side and the women on the other.

FFS, get yourselves into the 21st century and take your equal share of the risks as well as the rewards. I have much more respect for a woman who is prepared to ask a guy out if she likes him.

Giving the guys who run a mile as a reason never to do it is a wimpy argument IMO, these guys may not be worth it, so weeding them out this early is an advantage anyway, and you will find many well adjusted guys who don't react like this, and are flattered by the approach.

The way the OP is brushing it off makes me think she only wanted the attention and flattery of being asked out herself tbh.

Ah we ARE in the 21st century. Its just that from MY experience, anytime I have ever tried to ask a guy out/pursue more from a few dates, it has never ever worked out. And these would be guys who would be all about me when they meet me (sorry if that sounds vain) and if I make it too easy for them i.e. act eager to meet them again after the first date/text them after the date etc they lose interest...maybe you are right, maybe they are the type of fellas that would have treated me badly in the long run and it was just as well that I found out in the beginning, but it certainly has made me more cautious and the next guy I meet, I will be playing it a lot cooler than I have in the past. Sorry but I have been so hurt in the past by guys who are all about the chase..once they feel they "have" you..thats been it.

Sleepy

Well, I'll just put it this way. Any guys I know who I'd actually recommend to my female friends wouldn't run if a girl did the asking. They'd also be the guys most likely to cut ties if they realised the girl was playing childish out-dated games with them.

Moral of the Story: If you're going to play games don't be surprised if 'Prince Charming' thinks you're an idiot and wants nothing to do with you.

vorbis

as a guy, it may be the 21ST century but the guy should still ask the girl out, at least for the first few times. I don't think its a sexist issue but more about the roles that guys and girls have in the dating game. This may surprise some people but men and women are not completely the same! For a second date, he should be asking her out. If he isn't he's either really really shy (unlikely as he's already been on one date) or not interested. Neither are good situations.

edit: Accusing the OP of playing games in this situation is completely wrong. If I was the guy in question, I would have found her actions completely fine. She responds to every text from him and seems interested. The guy in question is getting more than enough signals that a second date invite would be ok.

Zulu

vorbis wrote:

as a guy, it may be the 21ST century but the guy should still ask the girl out,...

American by any chance?

LegacyUser

'

vorbis wrote:

as a guy, it may be the 21ST century but the guy should still ask the girl out, at least for the first few times. I don't think its a sexist issue but more about the roles that guys and girls have in the dating game. This may surprise some people but men and women are not completely the same!

Well, once you start talking about the different roles men and women have, you loose all credibility with me.

The OP posted here regarding the situation, so she seemed interested to some degree in seeing the guy again, but she wasn't prepared to take the chance for fear of embarrassment. Do you really think guys are immune to this type of embarrassment.

I've asked my fair share of girls out, and I've also been asked out myself a few times (my current partner of four years originally asked me out on a date). When ever I hear any girl say they expect a man to do all the chasing, I have to say I see them in a poorer light, and I think is says a lot more about their weakness of character.

A few of the girls I asked out over the years turned me down, and a small percentage of these were downright rude and insulting when doing it, and I'd guess most of the men here would have similar stories. But we're supposed to go on doing this while the girls give up because they've had a few bad experiences if they tried it. Have a bit of self respect and stop playing silly games. If you want to go out with someone, ask them out'

Talliesin

vorbis wrote:

I don't think its a sexist issue but more about the roles that guys and girls have

vorbis

I'm not American but do live in Boston at the moment. About roles, in the AVERAGE situation, guy sees girl, likes how girl looks, girl looks back at guy, gives him the eye or whatever. Typically, at that stage, it is the guy's role to go over to talk to the girl.

Typically, the guy also has to ask her out and possibly the second time. Obviously, in some situations, this could be reversed (as in a case of being friends first). However, in the case of meeting someone new, I know most of my friends (irish people) would view a girl who made all the running as a little desperate.

Things seemed to work this way when i was in Ireland and kinda work the same way over here. The OP could ask the guy out for a second date (thats ok) but tbh if the guy was interested, he should have asked her out again by now. Now if by the third of fourth meetup, she hadn't organised anything then you could talk about her not doing enough.