My girlfriend drinks, I don't..

LegacyUser

In a way I feel a bit silly writing this, my issue seems so small compared to some of the other on here and perhaps I'm up my own ass a little but here goes anyway..

Quick summary:I had a tough time through my teens and was a little unhappy and depsressed. In my early 20's I went through some amazing experiences including some spiritual stuff, and it made me very happy as a result and changed my life quite a bit. I did a lot of meditation as well. As a by product of my "awakening" as we could call it, I stopped using alcohol, and I feel this helped my progress and my happiness quite a bit. I turned my back on what the whole drinking thing stands for, and I won't go into this right now because it's a long story.. but let's just say I had a lot of revelations along the way about how dark the whole drinking thing actually is as well as the general nature of unhealthy cravings - whether it's food, information, status, etc. and how it all makes us unhappy.

Fast forward to 26 years old, I'm a pretty social guy and I like going out a good bit, especially with my mates, a lot of whom drink. I'm totally cool around people drinking and don't have any problems with that, I dont even think about it I just go with the flow and enjoy life.. so when I meet a girl, and fall in love, I didn't ever think her drinking would become a problem for me. But it is.

The whole non-drinking thing was just a personal choice for me. I would never use it again, but that doesn't mean I would ever condemn someone else because it's their choice. And I would never put my opinions across to someone else, or try to "convert" them, because that's not what I'm about. I never once complained about people drinking during *years* of going out sober with my mates, and even meeting girls in drunken evvironments. Not once..

So why now is it such a problem for me? I'm almost at the point that I can't bear to watch my girlfriend drinking while we're out. Some nights it puts a dampner on the whole night, and I'd sometimes prefer is we socialised separately, because watching her go through the whole "alcohol craving" thing kills me... I don't say much to her, but I think she knows how I feel. She doesn't even drink that much around me, but when she gets merry I feel she's wearing a mask and I'd prefer if she could just go out and leave the drink behind like I've done.

I never wanted to feel this way. I always told myself that if I end up with a non-drinking girl that I woudn't be a control freak, or try to "convert" her to my ways. But sometimes I find it so hard to bear. And why is it that I can go out with my mates (some of who are hard drinking) for so long, having no problems with that environment.. but if my girlfriend even gets a bit merry, then I start to feel so bad? By the way, we get on great and love each other very much. I've communicated how I feel to her to an extent.. but I've told her that it's her life and her choice.

MrBaseball

Wow, your attitude seems pretty sanctimonious to me. "revelations" and "awakenings" and the lot. I don't drink. I don't like it, so I don't. The end. Other people can do what they want, my girlfriend included. The reason it bothers you that your girlfriend does drink even though it doesn't cause her any problems is that you have convinced yourself that your decision not to drink is some sort of monumental achievement that seperates you from all the mere mortals, therefore you feel disappointed when your girlfriend does so. You don't care whether your friends do or not because, well, why would you??

PeakOutput

MrBaseball wrote:

The reason it bothers you that your girlfriend does drink even though it doesn't cause her any problems is that you have convinced yourself that your decision not to drink is some sort of monumental achievement that seperates you from all the mere mortals, therefore you feel disappointed when your girlfriend does so.

that is exactly the impression i got. you have convinced yourself that your way of life is the best way. not the best way for you but the best way in general. because of this you want your girlfriend to live like this, its only natural you want the best for her. the problem is that you are wrong in your thinking that it is the best way for everyone. although i feel you know it already this is YOUR problem not your girlfriends and trying to change her is the worst possible thing you can do imo

also you say when she is merry its like she is wearing a mask........alcohol removes inhibitions and therefore she is more likely acting on impulse and therefore more "naturally" than when she is sober.

i also drink very rarely

Marksie

sobriety wrote:

So why now is it such a problem for me? .

Work that out and you have your answer. You say you have meditated, so you can use that to explore your reasonings.

sobriety wrote:

woudn't be a control freak.

Maybe you wouldn't but it may be the start of it. Your attitude is already affecting your g/friend.
Possibly the reason you aren't affected by your friends drinking is that you cannot exercise a measure of control over their lives that you can with you g/friend. Really go back and examine your reasonings. I see no evidence of your g/friend goiong to excess from your post.
But working on teh principal that your are responsible fopr your own likes or dislikes... then its not her but you.

sobriety

sobriety wrote:

but I've told her that it's her life and her choice.

That's the kind of thing people say to someone they feel is making a bad/wrong decision
Personally I don't really drink and I'm uncomfortable around very drunk people but if it's just her drinking any amount at all then it's your issue... I'm with the others on this

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses, and I agree with what you are saying.

The last thing I want to be is a self-righteous or pious person, but it looks like these characteristics are being revealed in my personality, whether I like it or not.

Maybe you wouldn't [want to be a control freak]but it may be the start of it. Your attitude is already affecting your g/friend.

So this is what I have to observe in myself, and what I have to be careful of.. I'll just have to somehow let it go. It's easy to see how people become self-righteous, and I will have to bring myself back from there... I've never been that kind of person (in fact, the opposite) but a relationship of this closeness is starting to reveal things about me that I never knew existed... or could exist. Its scary sometimes..

Possibly the reason you aren't affected by your friends drinking is that you cannot exercise a measure of control over their lives that you can with you g/friend. Really go back and examine your reasonings. I see no evidence of your g/friend goiong to excess from your post.

The thing is, we have agreed that if my gf wants to go mad on the drink or go out with friends who like to do shots/drink excessively, etc, then it's fine! I just don't want to see it, be around it, or hear about it. In that sense, I don't feel that I want to exert "control" over her life.. rather, I would prefer if she kept me and her drinking separate I've still told her that if she wants to go out without me, then just do it. If she feels she needs to get it out of her system. If we go out together, then she has agreed that she will take it much easier.

But working on teh principal that your are responsible fopr your own likes or dislikes... then its not her but you.

Very true.

you have convinced yourself that your way of life is the best way. not the best way for you but the best way in general. because of this you want your girlfriend to live like this, its only natural you want the best for her. the problem is that you are wrong in your thinking that it is the best way for everyone. although i feel you know it already this is YOUR problem not your girlfriends and trying to change her is the worst possible thing you can do imo

Yes, the problem is that I see similarities in her behaviour based on what I went through emotionally. The way I healed myself wasn't very specific to me, or magical, special, etc. and it doesn't make me a special person. It's just a basic, universal approach that will work for everyone and anyone. It's not about being someone special, or doing something special; it's just about leaving things behind more than anything. Leaving distractions behind. I don't think there is any such thing as a "best way" of living. My way certainly isn't the best way, it's quite flawed and imperfect, and there are lots of difficulties. But when I see people doing things that I know are obviously misery inducing, that only leads to darkness... then it makes me sad, because I'd like to see everyone leave behind the masks.

also you say when she is merry its like she is wearing a mask........alcohol removes inhibitions and therefore she is more likely acting on impulse and therefore more "naturally" than when she is sober.

You believe that alcohol allows us to "be ourselves". If you go into it and explore it more, you may find out that there is more to it than that

Beruthiel

sobriety wrote:

but let's just say I had a lot of revelations along the way about how dark the whole drinking thing actually is as well as the general nature of unhealthy cravings - whether it's food, information, status, etc. and how it all makes us unhappy.

I'd like to point out your use of the word 'us'.
This is a revelation for you and it works for you and that's great.
However, the rest of 'us' might actually think differently.
The fact you used the word 'us' means you do actually have a problem with your g/f drinking.

So why now is it such a problem for me?

Because she's your g/f and she reflects badly on you?

She doesn't even drink that much around me, but when she gets merry I feel she's wearing a mask and I'd prefer if she could just go out and leave the drink behind like I've done.

We are all different, just because you have taken this decision doesn't mean you have the right to turn her into a mini you.
You say yourself she doesn't even drink that much, so it's time to take a good look at yourself and why you have a problem with this.
It is totally unfair of you to tell her that this is bothering you btw, keep doing that and you'll loose her. Though perhaps that might be for the best, maybe you should find someone who also doesn't drink?

PeakOutput

sobriety wrote:

It's just a basic, universal approach that will work for everyone and anyone.

whatever it was you did like everything else it will only work for people who want it to work.

You believe that alcohol allows us to "be ourselves". If you go into it and explore it more, you may find out that there is more to it than that

there is obviously more to it than that but in general I find alcohol allows people to relax and with a little more will cause/allow them to do/say things they wouldnt normally do although they would think it. this can be a good and a bad thing. ie talking to women without being shy or on the other hand starting a fight over something petty


edit; sorry the above is ot no point in starting an alcohol good/bad debate its not really relevant

Pyjamarama

You aren't alone, I have a friend who used to go out with a guy who didn't drink. He also had gone out with his friends for years and had no problem with them drinking but when it came to his girlfriend he did. He felt she wasn't being herself, I guess he just couldn't handle the fact that she was slightly different when drunk (to be fair aren't we all?!) and judged her because of it as he felt she wasn't being the 'real' her. This doesn't answer your problem but I guess you just have to think more why her drinking bothers you? Is it just because she's a little but louder and more outgoing when drunk?

LegacyUser

'Pyjamarama, can you expand on this? what happened in that relationship and did they find a compromise?

Youré right Beruthiel, I need to take a good look at myself and find out why I feel this way at a deeper level.. it's obviously not acceptable to tell her how to live her life, or to even want her to stop drinking. But right now I do want her to stop.'

LegacyUser

'[Rant]
OP I thought i was reading my own post. I dont drink. Never have had any mediatation or mullarky like that. I just saw one of my family members break up a family over it when i was young and just said im never drinking.

I go out with the lads and have great craic. I have no problem with them drinking at all. In fact I quite like the bit of banter that we have when they drinking...

BUT..

It makes me sick to see my gf drinking. I dont know why. It has nothing to do with trust or any reason like that. I dont even think its the actual process of drink that drives me mad. Its the craving for the next night out the morning after just being out that kills me.

I put it down to the fact that she never drank herself until about 6/7 months ago... we were always doin stuff together that didnt involve drink (like movies, meals out etc.) but now all she wants to do is go out on the piss!!!

Or maybe the fact that we know each others personalitys so intmately (3 years together) that it is so easy for me to notice actions that she does when under the influence that she would never dream of doin when sober..

[/Rant]'

Giblet

sobriety wrote:

The thing is, we have agreed that if my gf wants to go mad on the drink or go out with friends who like to do shots/drink excessively, etc, then it's fine! I just don't want to see it, be around it, or hear about it. In that sense, I don't feel that I want to exert "control" over her life.. rather, I would prefer if she kept me and her drinking separate I've still told her that if she wants to go out without me, then just do it. If she feels she needs to get it out of her system. If we go out together, then she has agreed that she will take it much easier.

What you are doing there IS control. You may let her do it, but because you don't want to be around her means she can't enjoy herself with you and probably feels pressured by you.

LegacyUser

'I have a friend who became a bit of an alcoholic but eventually (with the help of his fiancee) went to a help group and quit.
The problem was that quitting gave him a superiority complex, he became very self righteous and very full of himself.
He broke up with the poor girl who stood by him.
I never thought kicking the drink could have any bad aspects, but i miss my level headed, down to earth, and occassionally drunken, friend.'

LegacyUser

'

The problem was that quitting gave him a superiority complex, he became very self righteous and very full of himself."

That's how it looks to people from the outside. But you migth be misinterpreting this "superiority" complex.. perhaps he has discovered that life is 100 times better when he's been free of drink? Maybe he's found out that nobody needs to drink, they just *think* they need it? Just seeing people damaging their bodies and their minds constantly with drink can really wreck my head... I don't think it's a superiority complex, it's more like watching a car crash time and time again, feeling like you want to help but being unable to do anything because of all the social/cultural conditioning and media brainwashing that makes people believe they need to be poisoned to have a good time!

"Feel the same", I'd love to ring you for a chat sometime. I will post later from my other account!

On a side note; my unlce killed himself at 50 with drink, it tore his family apart. My gf's father destroyed all of their lives with drink, and some of them are damaged beyond repair (especially the wife)... I know lots more cases. yet still it goes on...'

sobriety

This is the OP, from my reg account.

Feel the same - could you please PM me about this issue?

And also maybe pyjamarama. thanks

MrBaseball

sobriety wrote:

'

That's how it looks to people from the outside. But you migth be misinterpreting this "superiority" complex.. perhaps he has discovered that life is 100 times better when he's been free of drink? Maybe he's found out that nobody needs to drink, they just *think* they need it? Just seeing people damaging their bodies and their minds constantly with drink can really wreck my head... I don't think it's a superiority complex, it's more like watching a car crash time and time again, feeling like you want to help but being unable to do anything because of all the social/cultural conditioning and media brainwashing that makes people believe they need to be poisoned to have a good time!

"Feel the same", I'd love to ring you for a chat sometime. I will post later from my other account!

On a side note; my unlce killed himself at 50 with drink, it tore his family apart. My gf's father destroyed all of their lives with drink, and some of them are damaged beyond repair (especially the wife)... I know lots more cases. yet still it goes on...'

Yeah, that sounds like a superiority complex. You really think that not drinking makes you a wonderful fellow, who sees something that everyone else is blind to. I don't drink, but luckily I don't have that kind of smug outlook either. Listen, she likes to drink sometimes. Most people do. If you can't handle that then you should find someone who doesn't drink and shares your views so that you can go talk about social conditioning and media brainwashing of the masses together. When you start telling her she can't drink or guilting her over it she'll begin to resent you, you might not notice much at first, but that stuff builds up inside a person and will do your relationship a lot of harm.

Sure, some people drink way too much and ruin their lives, most people don't. Your initial post didn't make it seem like your girlfriend does that.

Pyjamarama

sobriety wrote:

'Pyjamarama, can you expand on this? what happened in that relationship and did they find a compromise?

Hi OP, just getting back to you now. They actually broke up, the drinking was not the reason (well not the whole reason anyway) they had other issues but it was one of the factors that drove a wedge between them. She felt like she didn't want him to go out with her on nights out because of his opinion on drinking and that they couldn't enjoy themselves when they were out together.

I think it's just something you will have to come to terms with or go out with someone who doesn't drink because it could drive you apart in the long run.

tinkerbell

First of all, you are controlling her when you have said "do what she wants but I don't want to know about it". No wonder she puts a mask on when he's had a few because she knows you'll look down on her.

I don't drink at all (unless it's a cocktail maybe like twice a year) but then again my bf doesn't drink much, if he does go out on the lash it'd be on the odd occasion and I ain't bothered. I dunno if I would be bothered if he did go on the lash all the time.

I think really that it's like this, if you want someone who doesn't drink and you can't get past this then your girlfriend is not the girl for you.

Vegeta

Another non drinker here. I am a controlling asshole with a ton of trust/rejection issues.

I find it very difficult to be out with my girlfriend or friends but only because I hate the "pub" scene. Nothing to do with my non drinking at all

So personally I have no problems with it.

will post again later when I have more time

LegacyUser

'Thanks for all the responses guys.. Vegeta, I would definitely like to hear more from you.

First of all, you are controlling her when you have said "do what she wants but I don't want to know about it". No wonder she puts a mask on when he's had a few because she knows you'll look down on her.

I really don't agree with this. If there is something that she does which makes me feel bad or feel hurt, then why the fcuk should I expose myself to that? I've been out with her a couple of times when she's been unable to walk straight, slurring her words, disoriented, as well as the sickness/tiredness/moods or headaches the next morning... and frankly it's horrible. Why should I have to put myself through that? Why should I have to watch somebody do that to themselves, to treat their body so badly?

If she wants to do it, then ok, theres nothing I can do. But I *will not* be around it, I don't want to see it, don't want to hear about it, don't want to have a drunken phone conversation that rambles on, I don't want to be involved in *that aspect* of her living in any way...

We got on so well in every way, why spoil it by putting myself in situations that make me feel sh1t?'

The Sweeper

sobriety_unreg wrote:

I really don't agree with this. If there is something that she does which makes me feel bad or feel hurt, then why the fcuk should I expose myself to that? ....why should I have to watch somebody do that to themselves, to treat their body so badly? ...I don't want to be involved in *that aspect* of her living in any way... why spoil it by putting myself in situations that make me feel sh1t?'

This is where compromise comes into a relationship.

We could all look at certain aspects of our partner's behaviour and decide to adopt a zero tolerance policy on that very basis.

Your girlfriend, for instance, could take that attitude to your feelings about alcohol. You, however, seem to feel that strongly about her drinking because underneath it all, you think you're right and she's wrong. As long as you keep thinking that, you'll never resolve this issue with her unless she stops drinking completely and does things your way - and I for one believe that if I were to make a big concession to my partner on some aspect of my life, I'd need to be seeing something considerable back from him for it.

Feel the same

OP, I dont know if you are aware but i sent you a PM a few days ago. Perhaps you forgot to login again on that account.

Húrin

MrBaseball wrote:

Wow, your attitude seems pretty sanctimonious to me. "revelations" and "awakenings" and the lot.

I don't see it at all. There was nothing sanctimonious in the OP. Maybe he mentioned spiritual awakenings because it was true.

There was nothing at all about his lifestyle being the best way, as you assert.

It seems to me that he does not need alcohol to lose inhibitions and be straight with people. And that he's unhappy that his girlfriend does not enjoy the same freedom. He's clearly motivated by love.

Miss Fluff

sobriety wrote:

The whole non-drinking thing was just a personal choice for me. I would never use it again, but that doesn't mean I would ever condemn someone else because it's their choice.

Your post is full of contradictions. I don't think its fair to condemn your girlfriend because she drinks. Just as you have a choice not to drink, your girlfriend also has that choice. Your post is pretty vague to be honest, you say you went through "depression" followed by "revelations" but it seems that it is not just alcohol that is the demon here but people who drink alcohol too. The fact that your girlfriend is not allowed to "go mad" in your presence stuck in my throat tbh. You can't preach temperance to all around you when this is choice that you made. What were your experiences with booze to make you feel like this??

LegacyUser

Its no big deal giving up the drink for god sake, I regularly go for 6 month+ periods without drinking because I dont feel like it. People dont drink because they have been brainwashed into thinking they need to (at least once they are over 18 years of age they dont). They do it because they want to as it loosens them up and makes them less self conscious.

Some of the best times myself and most of my friends ever had were while heavily under the influence and they would NOT have happened sober. But as I said I go through periods where I just dont feel like drinking and nothing anyone says will make me have one. If someone causes trouble or reacts badly to alcohol, that is THEIR problem, not alcohol and it is their responsibility to control themselves or avoid it altogether if it has this effect on them.

Of all the things to have a superiority complex over, I woulnt be too excited about being a non drinker. It is a total non achievement imo, unless you are a heavy alchoholic, otherwise it is just a basic life choice.

Garthicus

My wife does not drink at all, zero. She comes out on nights out etc and will drink 7up all evening happily while I get plastered and talk ****e and mess and whatever else goes hand in hand with being on the lash, my point is, her drinking and you not is as relevant as a vegetarian getting annoyed at a meat eating partner, if you truly love her you will be able to get past her wanting a beer and having a drunken time, once her drinking doesnt cause her to be violent/weepy/antisocial then you have nothing to be worried about

LegacyUser

Húrin, I'm glad someone sees where I'm coming from. Most people just judge and dont actually listen to what I'm trying to say...

You can't preach temperance to all around you when this is choice that you made.

I don't preach at anyone, that's not what I'm about. Seriously, I don't know why you can't understand that... I basically don't like the vibes I get from my gf when she's drunk, the craving and all the rest of it. And therefore, I don't want to be around that. Maybe it's because - as Hurin pointed out - she's someone I really love and care about. I love my friends also, but I don't have the same difficulties socialising with them and going out with them when they get rat-arsed... I've never preached temperance, etc. so please stop tarring me with that brush. I just don't want to be around when she feels the need to, or becomes, intoxicated. Simple as... end of

She can go as mad as she likes when I'm there, in fact I love to get high and go mad myself... even more so than her in fact.. people regularly think I'm drunk when 'm messing around in a drunken environment, and I actually like the way people let go of all the inhibitions when they're drunk.. but I just think you can let go without taking alcohol or poisoning your body. This has never been an issue for me before, until I started feeling more strongly for her...

There was nothing sanctimonious in the OP. Maybe he mentioned spiritual awakenings because it was true.

Some people find the above so difficult to comprehend, so I'm asking you guys again to just try and leave behind all your conditioning for a few moments, and ask yourself to look at this without any opinions or judgements.

There is no definite answer, but for some reason after this posting I do feel it's helped me to just let her do what she wants and forget about it. And also to look at myself and ask if I'm being judgemental or controlling, because that's not what I'm about...

sobriety

Just to quote someone for a second:

"Drinking is such an ingrained part of Irish culture that most people view those who don't drink as socially deficient, or else get defensive about their own habits." anonymous

This thread proves the above as correct!

Chinafoot

sobriety wrote:

Just to quote someone for a second:

"Drinking is such an ingrained part of Irish culture that most people view those who don't drink as socially deficient, or else get defensive about their own habits." anonymous

This thread proves the above as correct!

I have to say, I really don't see that on this thread at all.

One of your posts really stood out for me,

sobriety wrote:

I really don't agree with this. If there is something that she does which makes me feel bad or feel hurt, then why the fcuk should I expose myself to that? I've been out with her a couple of times when she's been unable to walk straight, slurring her words, disoriented, as well as the sickness/tiredness/moods or headaches the next morning... and frankly it's horrible. Why should I have to put myself through that? Why should I have to watch somebody do that to themselves, to treat their body so badly?

If she wants to do it, then ok, theres nothing I can do. But I *will not* be around it, I don't want to see it, don't want to hear about it, don't want to have a drunken phone conversation that rambles on, I don't want to be involved in *that aspect* of her living in any way...

We got on so well in every way, why spoil it by putting myself in situations that make me feel sh1t?'

The sheer anger on that post is astounding tbh. I also don't get how her getting drunk is hurtful to you or makes you feel like shít. It's her choice at the end of the day and to be so upset by it really does imply that you expect her not to do it. That's your problem tbh.

From that post and your attitude towards drink on this thread, my advice would be to seriously finish with your girlfriend and find someone like-minded when it comes to alcohol. This is obviously a major problem for you and your "do what you want but I don't want to see it" attitude will damage the relationship in the long-run. Personally I wouldn't put up with that from my partner, particularly given the hypocrisy displayed in your attitude towards your friends' drinking.

Star Lord

OP you have had issues with alcohol in your past, both yourself and your family history from what I can gather (if I read it correctly)

You are projecting those things onto your GF now, because you have gotten closer to her, and this is really really bad. It'll drive a wedge between you and her. As numerous people here have said, it IS your problem, not hers.

Sobriety wrote:

Just to quote someone for a second:

"Drinking is such an ingrained part of Irish culture that most people view those who don't drink as socially deficient, or else get defensive about their own habits." anonymous

This thread proves the above as correct!

May I just add, bull****.

The thread pointed out the way you are having a problem dealing with the issue, not that other people have a problem with you not drinking.

I haven't taken any alcohol in 7.5 years, and although it was not by choice, if I was given the choice to drink or not again, I wouldnt bother. You are judging other people and implying that the way that you choose to live is how your gf should also live her life. I still go out with all my mates, and have never ever had a problem with drinking, nor judged anyone because of it.

LegacyUser

sobriety wrote:

Just to quote someone for a second:

"Drinking is such an ingrained part of Irish culture that most people view those who don't drink as socially deficient, or else get defensive about their own habits." anonymous

This thread proves the above as correct!

Did you start this thread to try and prove this? The vast majority of repliers here have said that they don't drink or barely drink, myself included but they are still saying that they don't agree with you.

Personally I have to say that if you've decided to cut yourself off from part of your gf's life, essentially part of your gf, then you've a problem there. If you're in a relationship that you expect to last then you accept the good with the bad. It's as simple as that, you don't get to pick bits of a person. If you can't accept it then you have to part ways.

Oh and by the way, by saying that you don't want to hear about it and you don't want to be around it then you are controlling her, you're preventing her from showing another side of her personality that you don't and therefore you're not letting her be herself.

No-one ever turns into a different person, it doesn't matter if it's drink, drugs, lack of sleep whatever, people are always who they are, they may act differently from how you're used to them acting but it's not possible to be someone else!

sobriety

I still go out with all my mates, and have never ever had a problem with drinking, nor judged anyone because of it.

Neither have I :rolleyes: How many times do I have to repeat that... I regularly go out with my mates when they're drinking, and I regularly do mad **** and have lots of craic and mad conversations, etc. with people who are having a few drinks. And I've never judged them or had problems with their drinking...

Which is the whole reason that I started this thread! If I was a sanctimonious holier-than-thou I wouldn't have started this thread, because I'd be too self-righteous to even *want* your opinions...

You are judging other people and implying that the way that you choose to live is how your gf should also live her life.

That's not fair. I've never told anyone how to live their lives; you don't even know me. For *some* reason I just don't want to witness my gf abusing alcohol or drugs. Why does that make me a control freak, or a downright fúcker, which is what a lot of you are saying? I'm not even trying to stop her doing it, I just don't want to be around that crap...

to be so upset by it really does imply that you expect her not to do it. That's your problem tbh.

This is where I have to be careful.. she already knows that I'd prefer if she didn't drink at all. I don't think anyone needs drink. A human being is a wonderful, pure, powerful, intelligent and individual creation with endless potential... to pollute this wonderful body and mind is... just cheap and dumb tbh. You are making your mind dull. I haven't found this out through some book, I've found it out from experience. I drank a lot from the age of 15 to 23. I've played around with it, I've explored what it has to offer. Now I've moved on, and it's really, really hard for me to go back...

From that post and your attitude towards drink on this thread, my advice would be to seriously finish with your girlfriend and find someone like-minded when it comes to alcohol. This is obviously a major problem for you and your "do what you want but I don't want to see it" attitude will damage the relationship in the long-run.

I understand that my position isn't popular or even acceptable for most people, but my girlfriend has been soooo understanding on this. She loves me very much, and recently we've been talking about the future... about families, houses, etc. we want to stay together for the long term, and she wants to spend the rest of her life with me - I'm pretty sure of this. She isn't letting this small issue (and it is small, cos it very seldom creates a problem) get in the way of our relationship and she isn't petty. She also drinks in moderation when we go out, and I really appreciate that.

Sorry mate, I don't think the dumping solution will work here, but that's for your advise

sobriety

nondrinker wrote:

Personally I have to say that if you've decided to cut yourself off from part of your gf's life, essentially part of your gf, then you've a problem there. you're preventing her from showing another side of her personality that you don't and therefore you're not letting her be herself.

No-one ever turns into a different person, it doesn't matter if it's drink, drugs, lack of sleep whatever, people are always who they are, they may act differently from how you're used to them acting but it's not possible to be someone else!

Not letting her be herself? The opposite is true; I want her to be herself. If you keep on dulling your mind with drink and using it to socialise, then you are *killing* yourself. Your true self doesn't get a chance to live, to breathe, to learn how to express itself without fear, without anxiety, without worry. Drinking is *nobody's* true self. Because it isn't self.. it is non-self, running away, escape, dullness and never leads to anything positive, new, real. It is always repeating itself... You are living in dillusion if you think drunk people are expressing their "true selves". If you want to find your true self, you can do that, but you won't find it at the bottom of a beer can mate, despite what those lovely guinness ads tell us

Garthicus

" to pollute this wonderful body and mind is... just cheap and dumb tbh. You are making your mind dull. I haven't found this out through some book, I've found it out from experience"

As a drinker I have to say I find that quite insulting, of course you are entitled to your opinion but you can't have one standard for yourself and one for your Girlfriend, it's downright narcissistic and reeks of brainwashing to me, the only reason I say this is because I have a friend who speaks *very* like you and has been influenced by Tony Quinn and co.

Zillah

sobriety wrote:

because watching her go through the whole "alcohol craving" thing kills me...

Wait...at what point did "She drinks when she is out" turn into "alcohol craving"?

Ickle Magoo

I think if you view alcohol as a poison that people poison themselves with then any amount of drinking on your gf's part is going to bug you...your zero tollerance of alcohol (looking at all the negatives you've used to describe it & therefor those that use it) then I think you only have three options. You have to learn to live with your gf drinking (if that is what she wants to do) without making comment or judgement or you have to learn to live without your gf.

Of course, your gf could always give up drink for you, that's the third option. It requires your gf to make a sacrifice on your behalf (I realise you would view it as a positive thing but somebody who enjoys drinking would see it as a sacrifice) and that may cause issues in itself.

It's a dilemma. If you love someone but hate a bad habit they have (smoking, drinking, etc) then we know we should love them anyway but sometimes it is not so black & white. I think you need to have a chat to your gf, lay it on the line how you feel & see whether she tells you to back off or agrees to give it up? Best of luck

K-9

sobriety wrote:

Neither have I :rolleyes: How many times do I have to repeat that... I regularly go out with my mates when they're drinking, and I regularly do mad **** and have lots of craic and mad conversations, etc. with people who are having a few drinks. And I've never judged them or had problems with their drinking...

Which is the whole reason that I started this thread! If I was a sanctimonious holier-than-thou I wouldn't have started this thread, because I'd be too self-righteous to even *want* your opinions...

This is where I have to be careful.. she already knows that I'd prefer if she didn't drink at all. I don't think anyone needs drink. A human being is a wonderful, pure, powerful, intelligent and individual creation with endless potential... to pollute this wonderful body and mind is... just cheap and dumb tbh. You are making your mind dull. I haven't found this out through some book, I've found it out from experience. I drank a lot from the age of 15 to 23. I've played around with it, I've explored what it has to offer. Now I've moved on, and it's really, really hard for me to go back...

I understand that my position isn't popular or even acceptable for most people, but my girlfriend has been soooo understanding on this. She loves me very much, and recently we've been talking about the future... about families, houses, etc. we want to stay together for the long term, and she wants to spend the rest of her life with me - I'm pretty sure of this. She isn't letting this small issue (and it is small, cos it very seldom creates a problem) get in the way of our relationship and she isn't petty. She also drinks in moderation when we go out, and I really appreciate that.

Sorry mate, I don't think the dumping solution will work here, but that's for your advise

The above post is full of contradictions.

1. You go out with friends who drink, don't judge them and it's great beacuse you do mad **** then, have great craic and mad conversations.

Fine!

2.I wouldn't post here if I was too self-righteous to even *want* your opinions...

Your getting different opinions here! That's what you asked for!

3.This is where I have to be careful.. she already knows that I'd prefer if she didn't drink at all. I don't think anyone needs drink. A human being is a wonderful, pure, powerful, intelligent and individual creation with endless potential... to pollute this wonderful body and mind is... just cheap and dumb tbh. You are making your mind dull.



But you go out with friends and a gf who pollute their body and its cheap and dumb! I refer to 2 above and 1 above where you don't judge them

So, is it grand when you are having fun and doing mad **** and mad conversations but not for your gf? Maybe your worried your gf will be doing mad **** and mad conversations when your not around?

4.I understand that my position isn't popular or even acceptable for most people, but my girlfriend has been soooo understanding on this

But you can't understand that maybe she just likes a drink? Obviously from 3 above you don't.

5.She isn't letting this small issue (and it is small, cos it very seldom creates a problem) get in the way of our relationship and she isn't petty. She also drinks in moderation when we go out, and I really appreciate that.

Why is this small issue a big problem. You appreciate she drinks in moderation. If its a small problem its not worth breaking up over then. In relationships there will be small problems, sometimes people just have to accept it and get on with it. Or maybe you are worried that she drinks in moderation when you are there, but not when you aren't?

Look if this is a deal breaker, then don't go out with people who drink! Too be sure too be sure, go to a pioneers meeting! and chat them up.

Seriously though, you want somebody to give up something that maybe they enjoy. Thats grand if she genuinely wants to, not good if your forcing her to in a gentle or moralising "polluting your body and being cheap and dumb " kind of way.

Chinafoot

Zillah wrote:

Wait...at what point did "She drinks when she is out" turn into "alcohol craving"?

It seems as though the OP is of the view that taking any alcohol is akin to having an addiction. That's just silly tbh.

I have to ask though, why is it fine for your mates to do it but not your girlfriend?

LegacyUser

nondrinker wrote:

Personally I have to say that if you've decided to cut yourself off from part of your gf's life, essentially part of your gf, then you've a problem there. If you're in a relationship that you expect to last then you accept the good with the bad. It's as simple as that, you don't get to pick bits of a person. If you can't accept it then you have to part ways.

Oh and by the way, by saying that you don't want to hear about it and you don't want to be around it then you are controlling her, you're preventing her from showing another side of her personality that you don't and therefore you're not letting her be herself.

No-one ever turns into a different person, it doesn't matter if it's drink, drugs, lack of sleep whatever, people are always who they are, they may act differently from how you're used to them acting but it's not possible to be someone else!

sobriety wrote:

Not letting her be herself? The opposite is true; I want her to be herself. If you keep on dulling your mind with drink and using it to socialise, then you are *killing* yourself. Your true self doesn't get a chance to live, to breathe, to learn how to express itself without fear, without anxiety, without worry. Drinking is *nobody's* true self. Because it isn't self.. it is non-self, running away, escape, dullness and never leads to anything positive, new, real. It is always repeating itself... You are living in dillusion if you think drunk people are expressing their "true selves". If you want to find your true self, you can do that, but you won't find it at the bottom of a beer can mate, despite what those lovely guinness ads tell us

I think you're missing my point here... You've picked one line out of what I've said and ignored the rest.

I never said that drunk people are particularly expressing their "true selves", I said that people are always their true selves! I really believe you can't *not* be yourself, who else can you be? there's no such thing "non-self", you're always alive, living and being whether you're drinking or not. If you don't like her when she's drinking then you don't like her.... as I said before, relationship are about compromise and acceptance, the good with the bad. You think that her drinking is a bad and you can't accept it. So... break up.

It's nothing to do with the face that it's drinking or whatever I mean if we switched this for you don't like that fact that she spends a load of time sitting around watching TV and putting on weight while you like to play sports and do outdoor things and she's not willing to get up and do that then I'd say you're not compatible and you should break up as well.

How Strange

From reading this post and all of your replies to other comments, it seems that you are the person with the problem and I suspect that deep down you know that. I also think you put that post up looking for validation and hoping that people would tell you what you want to hear. Namely, you are right, she is wrong and you should continue with your hardline approach to her modest drinking.

You're language is very strong, puritanical and zealous so you must have have done some truly awful things in your teenage years/early 20's. You must have had a very dangerous relationship with alcohol to make you change your life so completely. But you are still obsessed with alcohol and your staunch opinions show that. Otherwise why would you use language such as poison, killing etc etc. You sound like an evangelist.

Your girlfriend must be a saint because if this is what she got on the TWO occasions she got very drunk and then she gets condescending, disapproving vibes whenever she lifts a glass of beer, wine or whatever to her lips she is in line for sainthood. She may really love you at the moment but you're behaviour will chip away at her and her self-esteem until she starts to feel guilty for wanting to have a drink and she will think that she is actually the one with the problem. Hopefully, at some stage she will see sense and leave but she may be damaged as a result. Moral of the story - it would probably be best for both of you not to be together if you can't become less of a zealot about your alcohol free lifestyle. Find yourself a tee-totaler girlfriend.

I think you are a controlling type of person. You have an iron grip control on your alcohol issues which you haven't fully resolved and you are determined to control your girlfriend at the risk of damaging her self-esteem.

There is a clear lack of perspective on all of your replies. You say you go mad on nights out, so what! What does that prove? That you are a great guy? Maybe you are but you either really need to look at your attitude to alcohol which is totally disproportionate to the situations you've described or you need to assess your relationship. There is no longterm future there if you can't accept your girlfriend warts (two drunken nights out/moderate drinking??) and all. She clearly has embaced and accepted your warts (condescending, patronising, zealous attitude to your lifestyle and other peoples).

sobriety

Ok, sorry. I haven't been making myself very clear in some of the posts; by talking about my alcohol doscoveries (how it makes the mind dull, etc.) I was merely stating what was factual for me, based on my own experience. This doesnt have anything to do with anyone else - by discovering that smoking is a horrible and cancer causing bad habit, do you automatically think all smokers are bad people? No. Similarly, I don't think all drinkers are dull, cheap, etc. *However*, what I have discovered about alcohol is what is *does* to your mind. What it *does* to your body. This - for me, you don't have to believe me if you don't want to - is basic fact. If you want to dispute it then you can. However, before you do dispute this, I think you should go and explore alcohol yourself. Don't believe what I have said - find out for yourself. Watch what happens when people get drunk, watch their motivation for drinking and intoxication, watch how they crave it, watch what it gives them, watch what it causes within us, within society. Watch very closely, be alert. Leave behind your books, your religious teachers, your religious books and philosophies, your gurus, your opinions. Be open to everything and leave all your brainwashing behind. You may find out something that hasn't been taught to you in school, or in some book, or on some advertisement, or based on some cultural ideal, or socio cultural ideal, etc. You might even find something new, something creative, something fresh...

But if you find this thing, it doesn't mean you say everyone else is wrong. It doesn't mean you judge people because they choose to live differently to you. If people want to make their minds duller and duller, then that is ok. We can live with that, and we can let it be... without judging.

If something is stupid, it is stupid. If something is cheap, it is cheap. If something causes cancer, it causes cancer. If something makes you dull, it makes you dull. These are just facts. There is no judgement taking place here. We are looking at the actions not the actor. If we want to condemn, we condemn the sin, not the sinner.

Now can you understand what I'm looking at?

The difficulty is caused when I look at the danger taking place in a loved one, and I know that the danger can be healed through being happy with life as it is.

It really is as simple as that

ali.c

sobriety wrote:

Ok, sorry. I haven't been making myself very clear in some of the posts; by talking about my alcohol doscoveries (how it makes the mind dull, etc.) I was merely stating what was factual for me, based on my own experience. This doesnt have anything to do with anyone else - by discovering that smoking is a horrible and cancer causing bad habit, do you automatically think all smokers are bad people? No. Similarly, I don't think all drinkers are dull, cheap, etc. *However*, what I have discovered about alcohol is what is *does* to your mind. What it *does* to your body. This - for me, you don't have to believe me if you don't want to - is basic fact. If you want to dispute it then you can. However, before you do dispute this, I think you should go and explore alcohol yourself. Don't believe what I have said - find out for yourself. Watch what happens when people get drunk, watch their motivation for drinking and intoxication, watch how they crave it, watch what it gives them, watch what it causes within us, within society. Watch very closely, be alert.

Your observations are not fact, they are just that observations. They do not hold true for everyone and peoples perceptions of things are different, not right or wrong but different

sobriety wrote:

Leave behind your books, your religious teachers, your religious books and philosophies, your gurus, your opinions. Be open to everything and leave all your brainwashing behind. You may find out something that hasn't been taught to you in school, or in some book, or on some advertisement, or based on some cultural ideal, or socio cultural ideal, etc. You might even find something new, something creative, something fresh...

Who are you trying to convert? great for you you have looked at your life and experienced some life changing stuff. What worked for you doesnt work for everyone, and you dont have all the answers neither does the above method btw

sobriety wrote:

But if you find this thing, it doesn't mean you say everyone else is wrong. It doesn't mean you judge people because they choose to live differently to you. If people want to make their minds duller and duller, then that is ok. We can live with that, and we can let it be... without judging.

If something is stupid, it is stupid. If something is cheap, it is cheap. If something causes cancer, it causes cancer. If something makes you dull, it makes you dull. These are just facts. There is no judgement taking place here. We are looking at the actions not the actor. If we want to condemn, we condemn the sin, not the sinner.

unless that person is your gf? For all your talk about being non judgemental it eh reads that way, their minds duller and duller, dude chill out. By judging the actions you are judging the person, judging what they chose and how the condemning (your word not mine) of actions is actually quite harsh.

sobriety wrote:

The difficulty is caused when I look at the danger taking place in a loved one, and I know that the danger can be healed through being happy with life as it is.

It really is as simple as that

more conversion going on is it? Now i get that its hard to look at someone you love make decisions that in your view are not in the best interest, but real love allows the other person to make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons, it really is as simple as .

Great you had an ephihany and your gf is not hopping on boards with your outlook on life, **** happens it was your ephiahany not hers so why would it change her.

sobriety

ali.c wrote:

Your observations are not fact, they are just that observations. They do not hold true for everyone and peoples perceptions of things are different, not right or wrong but different

Where did I say anything was wrong? I used the word dull, but not wrong. There is nothing wrong with being dull.

What worked for you doesnt work for everyone, and you dont have all the answers neither does the above method btw

I agree. However, I didn't talk about any method. I'm asking you to move away from all methods and to cast them aside.. leave behing all techniques, concepts, ideals, etc. and just be. Just look, just observe what is going on around you. That is all I'm asking...

By judging the actions you are judging the person, judging what they chose and how the condemning (your word not mine) of actions is actually quite harsh.

I don't agree that I am judging the person. I'm certainly not condemning. I'm just *looking* at the action, or the activity, apart from the person. Something that is not of the person. I do not think condeming an activity is harsh, but I *do* think condemnation of a human is harsh - which is why I am not doing that.

more conversion going on is it?

If there is, it is conversion from being conditioned to throwing your conditioning, habits, knee jerk reactions, beliefs away... I promise, there ain't no baby in that bathwater

Now i get that its hard to look at someone you love make decisions that in your view are not in the best interest, but real love allows the other person to make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons, it really is as simple as .

Now this I think makes sense, and I thank you for this advise. This is the crux of the matter... it is something that I'm learning, but sometimes I fall

Great you had an ephihany and your gf is not hopping on boards with your outlook on life, **** happens it was your ephiahany not hers so why would it change her.[/QUOTE]

Ickle Magoo

sobriety wrote:

I'm asking you to move away from all methods and to cast them aside.. leave behing all techniques, concepts, ideals, etc. and just be. Just look, just observe what is going on around you. That is all I'm asking...

And herein lies the problem. As adults we all have the right to make our choices in life; eat well, exercise, drink, smoke, follow a religion - or not, whatever we consider to be the right balance for our own physical & emotional well-being - what we want for our own selves, not what anybody else wants on our behalf. I can understand that feeling so strongly about alcohol you have an issue with its consumption in any form but I think your views on the evils of alcohol with regards to your gf's drinking are completely out of proportion with the volume she drinks - which can't be much healthier...

Star Lord

sobriety wrote:

Watch what happens when people get drunk, watch their motivation for drinking and intoxication, watch how they crave it, watch what it gives them, watch what it causes within us, within society. Watch very closely, be alert. Leave behind your books, your religious teachers, your religious books and philosophies, your gurus, your opinions. Be open to everything and leave all your brainwashing behind. You may find out something that hasn't been taught to you in school, or in some book, or on some advertisement, or based on some cultural ideal, or socio cultural ideal, etc. You might even find something new, something creative, something fresh...

But if you find this thing, it doesn't mean you say everyone else is wrong. It doesn't mean you judge people because they choose to live differently to you. If people want to make their minds duller and duller, then that is ok. We can live with that, and we can let it be... without judging.

I see what happens regularly, as I said before, its been 7.5 years since I last had a drink.

People unwind, they let go of their worries, they loosen up and enjoy themselves! Just because people would like a drink does NOT make it "craving" alcohol. It does not make it a problem. It does mean YOU have a problem, because wheither you admit it or not, you are judging your girlfriend. This is particularly a problem because you don't mind in the slightest when your friends are out drinking and enjoying themselves, yet when its your girlfriend, she's "putting on a mask" and not being herself.

The only problem I see here lies in your attitude towards other people, as exhibited by what you've said about your girlfriends drinking, your contradictions, and your general attitude towards people here who are answering to try to help you.

Zulu

sobriety wrote:

The difficulty is caused when I look at the danger taking place in a loved one, and I know that the danger can be healed through being happy with life as it is.

Jeaysus, that horse is fairly high there - be careful you don't fall now!

killeoin

sobriety wrote:

This is where I have to be careful.. she already knows that I'd prefer if she didn't drink at all. I don't think anyone needs drink. A human being is a wonderful, pure, powerful, intelligent and individual creation with endless potential... to pollute this wonderful body and mind is... just cheap and dumb tbh. You are making your mind dull.

sobriety wrote:

Watch what happens when people get drunk, watch their motivation for drinking and intoxication, watch how they crave it, watch what it gives them, watch what it causes within us, within society. Watch very closely, be alert. Leave behind your books, your religious teachers, your religious books and philosophies, your gurus, your opinions. Be open to everything and leave all your brainwashing behind. You may find out something that hasn't been taught to you in school, or in some book, or on some advertisement, or based on some cultural ideal, or socio cultural ideal, etc. You might even find something new, something creative, something fresh...

This actually sounds like the talk of some kind of cult....Sorry but it does.

K-9

killeoin wrote:

This actually sounds like the talk of some kind of cult....Sorry but it does.

+1

Have noticed that in the last few posts. It does sound that he is trying to convert his gf to his way of life, he is to an extent brainwashed himself about his way of life being the only way. Enjoying a drink is dull, stupid or cheap in his opinion.

His gf may not think that and he doesn't accept that.

Originally Posted by sobriety_unreg
I really don't agree with this. If there is something that she does which makes me feel bad or feel hurt, then why the fcuk should I expose myself to that? ....why should I have to watch somebody do that to themselves, to treat their body so badly? ...I don't want to be involved in *that aspect* of her living in any way... why spoil it by putting myself in situations that make me feel sh1t?'

Either you accept your gf for who she is, a person who makes up her own mind on things or end the relationship for both yours and hers sakes.

KilbarrackBlows

sobriety you sound like one of those alcoholics who join the AA then all of a sudden they try to make every single person they know shun alcohol its the devils blood !
Also i dont drink personaly all my friends do il have maybe a pint or two the odd time but i wouldnt call myself a drinker.I feel sorry for your girlfriend
(o(O_o)o)

scoobydoo2

Giblet wrote:

What you are doing there IS control. You may let her do it, but because you don't want to be around her means she can't enjoy herself with you and probably feels pressured by you.

This is so true, and by wanting her to keep her relationship with you and her drinking life seperate is going to fuel the fact that she can't go out with you to unwind and have fun and imo with your attitude your heading for disaster as you are pretty much making the girl choose between you and drinking (which she seems to enjoy as we all do at times). Imo you are gonna be viewed by her as boring and not interested in doing what she likes, so this will put strain on your relationship.

sobriety

What can I say.. you're right. Reading back over my posts I actually do sound quite ott in some of them. So yeah, I can see why you'd think I'm in a cult or something, but honestly I'm not. I've just turned my back on all of the cults, including the religion of alcohol worship, which is quite a popular cult in this country, and has brainwashed quite a large proportion of the populatuion!

I guess I was just venting a bit as well, cos sometimes it just wrecks my head a bit that we are so subservient and sheepish when it comes to social practices and rituals. To me, that is a cult, and I'm just strongly rebelling against it I guess... perhaps too strongly, based on the responses I'm getting on this forum.. but I just had to come here to discuss this, and it's has actually really been helpful to me.

And if it seems like I'm just dismissing your comments or arguing with you, honestly I'm not. I have taken it all on board, even some of the more aggressive responses, because each one has a good point and something I can learn from. I realise that my truth is not your truth, and I am happy to let you have your own truth in a peaceful way. I won't disturb you with my truth, because obviously that doesn't seem to be of any help to you.

If I want you to take anything away from this, it's that; there is a lot more in the mind than what you are told. Find out the truth for yourself... don't listen to me, or to any other authority figure. Find out everything for yourself. And beware of all cults.. whether they are religious, non-religious, or cultural based cults like our social ritual of drinking and getting drunk, taking drugs, etc. Question everything... there is more to your mind than you know