Finally got the girl of my dreams the lost her straight away :(

LegacyUser

Ok heres the deal im just gonna cut this as short as possible!

I met this girl through my friends back in April and from the moment i saw her i fell in love with her.....i know corny as it seems its exactly how i felt.

Just to give you an insight its not a stupid crush im almost 20.
So anyway i got to know this said girl fairly well and then i eventually asked her out after a few weeks.....she said no straight away unfortunately. I was devastated because when i met her i could picture myself with her. Her explanation was that she didnt have the spark with me and only saw me as a friend.

Anyway, so i left it....like i was still in love with her but i just began to be her friend which was hard. So anyway the months went by and it got to the end on July and i got involved with another girl. The the said girl started texting me an awful lot but i was fairly interested in the other girl so i took no notice at all.

Anyway me and the new girl ended cos it just wasnt workin out...one night i walked the said girl home and she basically said she has had feelings for me. We eventually kissed and she said it was so special and she wanted to be with me...this went on for a few days then out of nowhere she texts me saying she doesnt want it anymore. She doesnt have the spark.

Look all im basically tryin to ask is was it simply she was jealous of the other girl or was it more? I felt it was more cos she told me it was and i know by how she was with me. Now she is so distant.

Also this so called spark.....does everybody need it?

py2006

Loner in Love wrote:

Look all im basically tryin to ask is was it simply she was jealous of the other girl

Yes she was! And she is a complete b1tch for messing with your head like that! Keep your distance from her. She is nothing but a headwrecker.

PeakOutput

Loner in Love wrote:

Look all im basically tryin to ask is was it simply she was jealous of the other girl ?

yes

Also this so called spark.....does everybody need it?

yes


also you seem to use love very loosely but if your sure your sure

Kimbot

Women want what they can't have!! Its a simple rule really!!

4Xcut

Either intentionally or not she is bad for you.

You made your feelings clear, she didn't reciprocate. Howeve, and we can leave jealousy theories aside for the moment, she then decided that she did want you. Fair enough, we've all changed out minds about lots of things. Ye were both single and liked each other, then changes her mind again. This is why she is bad for you, she doesn't know what she wants from one moment to the next.

Secondly she is bad for you as she's not interested in you now. You're just torturing yourself trying to be friends with her as you clearly have strong feelings for her. Nothing wrong with that, but you need to distance yourself from her at least till you get over her enough that you can be friends and want nothing more than that.

Do a quick search for lader theory and check out onitis and getting over it. It may seem the bitter ramblings of a masoginistic nutcase, but its all fairly bang on.




On whether or not she was jealous: You're single and say you like her - nothing

You're with someone - she wants you - its was special.

I think it was pretty obvious she was jealous although its not that bad a thing. She obviously like you as a friend otherwise she wouldn't be friends with you, just put it down to not being her type and move on.

A note on the friendship, its going to be weird, that's why there are always threads on here asking "should i tell my friend i have feelings for them?", etc. Things that have very significant implications have been said and can't be unsiad. This doesn't mean the friendship is ruined, just that you'll have to take some time to get used to its new dynamics, BUT, you should distance yourslef till you get over her.

The Bollox

it was a very shítty thing to do, breaking up with you in a text

darkestlord

Aftereading this i felt sad for you cause you sound a really nice guy , but ill give you some advice i got from a friend of mine after a girl dumped me many years ago
Do the responsible thing and sleep with her sister <or mother if she fit> that ill wipe the smile from her face.
Good Luck

4Xcut

+1 for the above:D

kieranmcg1

if i was u and i was stil interested in this girl id just ask straight up what is the deal does she like you or doers she not . only way ur gona know

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the helpful replies its much appreciated guys!
I dunno what it is with this girl because i have liked so many girls in the past but this girl just takes my breath away. I really do love her.

I was texting her tonight basically looking for answers begging for her to tell me why she changed her mind? She got really angry and said she didnt wanna text me anymore and i wont see her for a while cos she is staying away....its my birthday on Thursday and me and my friends had plans for Saturday but now she is saying she doesnt want to come.

This is killing me cos it would mean the world to me if she was there even if it was just as a friend

Firetrap

I'd steer clear of this girl. She's got you on the back foot and has the potential to seriously wreck your head. If she truly fancied you, she wouldn't be messing you around like this.

CliffHuxtabel

Broom her.
Dude, one thing you'll learn in the coming years (or at least before you turn 23!) is that, as wonderful as they are, it is not worth it to allow yourself to be dragged through the mud for a woman the way you are.
The way she has acted is a clear indicator that this girl is emotionally retarded.
You dont really want this girl, even as a friend- shes likely to turn your life into a farce just by being around you.
I promise you'll find someone else.
Happy birthday

dlofnep

If I've learned anything, it's that your heart will probably be broken many more times! I'm only rolling on 25 this year, but my heart has been broke more times than I care to remember. Seems like this girl got a case of the old "want what you can't have".. Forget her, she sounds like trouble and even if ye got back together I'd imagine you'd be in for a rollercoaster ride of emotions. You don't need that unstability in your life.

Don't worry - you will find someone down the line. Maybe in a few months, or years - but when it happens you'll know the wait was worth it. Chin up.

Caliden

She's a prícktease and just wants to know that she has you wrapped around her little finger and can have you whenever she wants.

Let her know she is a headwrecker before she does this to somebody else. If I were you I'd play the 'treat them mean, keep them keen' card and let her chase you to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Don't get involved with this girl again as it will only end up hurting you.

Also how the hell can you love her?? I think you're confusing infatuation with love mate seeing as you're only 19.
And for god's sake don't go 'begging' her for a reason, you just look weak and women don't fall for weak men. At least keep some of your pride and take her dumping you like a man. Go out, enjoy your birthday, forget about her and get a girl who knows what she wants from you and won't tag you along like a piece of shít

John_Mc

Sounds to me like you've been way way way too keen on her. Or to be precise, you've let her know how keen you are. Ever hear the phrase treat them mean to keep 'em keen?

What's this about begging her for answers?? Take a step back and look at yourself mate! I know how you feel, I think we all do - but don't start harassing/begging her after she's made it clear she's not interested!

CrazyNoob

Just delete her number today
Saves any drunk text or text when feeling down.

Dont beg for answers ever!!!!!!!
dont pay any attention to her, dont have any time for her

No matter how good looking she is, she will make your life nothing but a series of disappointments

In time you will see her for the headwrecker she is

IANAL (hullaballoo's test a/c)

Last time I was in a similar situation, a good friend asked me if I really thought this girl deserved my 'emotional investment'?

The analogy runs complete: if you give an emotional investment, you should expect a return. If you do not expect a return, but you invest anyway, you are being foolish.

Continue through life investing in lost causes, and eventually, your emotional funds dry up, and you can't invest in something that really will yield a return.

McGinty

Hi OP I think IANAL gives excellent advice, but I am getting tired of all the women bashing replies, yes this particular woman/girl is a headwrecker but not all woman are the same. I have often encountered men who mess me around, maybe they are playing the treat em men and keep em keen game but I find it terminally boring. I just like straight forward talk, eg: I like you lets meet, we meet have a good time, take it from there or we don't. If I have no desire to be with someone then I say so, but this girl is picking you up and dropping you down and if you allow her, she will try to crush your self esteem in order to build up hers, in other words she is dangerous. You may love her but it is not doing you any good.

Talliesin

Loner in Love wrote:

i fell in love with her.

Nice. Falling in love is not the same as loving though.

What did you know about her hopes, dreams, fears? What did you know about how she'd react to any given situation? In all, what did you know about her at all?

Hopefully you'll say nothing. If you made up a bunch of ideas in your head things are even worse than they seem.

Loner in Love wrote:

Just to give you an insight its not a stupid crush im almost 20.

So, mostly an adult but still a bit of boy in there.

I'll let you into a secret. People don't stop having crushes when they get older. The reason we associate crushes with children is:

1. Adults acknowledge crushes as what they are, mostly if it's not appropriate to try to act on them and see if it'll turn into something else we just ignore them (or at most enjoy that we feel that pull to someone, but don't do anything further).
2. Adult crushes are much more short-lived, for exactly the same reason. Children are more likely to dwell on them and feed them and keep them alive.
3. Crushes are important to children. In children they are generally the strongest taste of something they aren't going to be ready for fully at their age. Crushes aren't as important for adults.
4. When it works between two adults the crush stage doesn't last as long, it normally turns into something else quite quickly.
5. When it doesn't work between two adults the crush stage doesn't last as long, it normally turns into nothing quite quickly.
6. As adults we think about it in a different context. A crush isn't much on its own any more, the most importance they'll have to us is as a spark that causes other flames to start burning. We think of them more in terms of that spark than as something of value in itself.
7. We tend to be a tad embarrassed about them, and not talk about them much. We're much happier to just acknowledge the sexual attraction aspect until such a time as it's either passed or turned into something deeper.

For all that, we can still as adults find that we have a crush that persists and which we feed.

My main reason for suspecting that it was a crush is your dismissive phrasing ("stupid crush", crushes aren't stupid, indeed they're a very interesting and powerful event on the intersection of sex, love and admiration. We just call them that to help us ignore them when we should) and your lack of any real argument as to why you can't have one because you're 19.

I'm 31. I still have crushes. Mostly they aren't worth exploring to see if they'll turn into something else, they wither and die very quickly. My last one was worth exploring and it all worked out rather nicely and I had a good ten years on you at the time.

Loner in Love wrote:

I was devastated because when i met her i could picture myself with her.

Crush.

Loner in Love wrote:

but i just began to be her friend which was hard.

There are plenty of times here where I've said that if you have a thing for a friend that isn't reciprocated that you should just make that part of your enjoying them as a friend if you can.

The "if" is important though. If it's that hard, why put up with it?

Loner in Love wrote:

Look all im basically tryin to ask is was it simply she was jealous of the other girl or was it more?

Quite possibly jealousy. Quite possibly something more, but not enough. Quite possibly a mixture of the two.

Loner in Love wrote:

Also this so called spark.....does everybody need it?

Yes, though I'd say that just what that spark is for each of us is probably very personal.

It's pretty much the same way of feeling that you've described in describing your crush on her. And it can be fickle, it can sometimes flash and then go out while other times it doesn't.

Loner in Love wrote:

I dunno what it is with this girl because i have liked so many girls in the past but this girl just takes my breath away. I really do love her.

I love lots of people, and they don't take my breath away.

My girlfriend took my breath away before I loved her (thankfully she still does now that I do).

The two aren't the same. You can certainly get the two together, hopefully you will soon enough in your life, but they aren't the same.

Loner in Love wrote:

I was texting her tonight basically looking for answers begging for her to tell me why she changed her mind?

Well, that was pretty damn stupid don't you think?

She already told you why she changed her mind. If you don't like her answer, tough. If you don't think her answer explains everything, tough - when you have complete understanding of how everything in your own mind works then maybe you can start expecting that from other people.

Also, up until you reach a stage in your life when you need people's spare change so that you can eat, begging for anything is a bad idea.

Loner in Love wrote:

She got really angry

Are you really surprised?

Loner in Love wrote:

and said she didnt wanna text me anymore and i wont see her for a while cos she is staying away....its my birthday on Thursday and me and my friends had plans for Saturday but now she is saying she doesnt want to come.

Of course. A moderate and restrained response on her part.

Loner in Love wrote:

This is killing me cos it would mean the world to me if she was there even if it was just as a friend

So you're back to being friends. Really, how did that work out for you?

Friends don't send friends text messages begging them for explanations as to the limits they've placed on that friendship.

IANAL wrote:

Last time I was in a similar situation, a good friend asked me if I really thought this girl deserved my 'emotional investment'?

The analogy runs complete: if you give an emotional investment, you should expect a return. If you do not expect a return, but you invest anyway, you are being foolish.

I think you are actually making this sound more cynical than needs be.

It's not strictly an analogy, because originally "investment" didn't refer only to finance (originally it referred to clothes associated with an office, later to qualities assigned to people, then anything we put into something with money being only one example). And it's totally correct.

It sounds cynical only because our society views selfless acts as virtuous and therefore there is an expectation that we should treat our dear ones - especially partners or potential partners - in a selfless manner. Frankly that's rubbish, you should enjoy the people that are dear to you and if you can't do that then they probably aren't going to be happy either.

Caliden

Talliesin wrote:

IANAL wrote:

Last time I was in a similar situation, a good friend asked me if I really thought this girl deserved my 'emotional investment'?

The analogy runs complete: if you give an emotional investment, you should expect a return. If you do not expect a return, but you invest anyway, you are being foolish.

Continue through life investing in lost causes, and eventually, your emotional funds dry up, and you can't invest in something that really will yield a return.

I think you are actually making this sound more cynical than needs be.

It's not strictly an analogy, because originally "investment" didn't refer only to finance (originally it referred to clothes associated with an office, later to qualities assigned to people, then anything we put into something with money being only one example). And it's totally correct.

It sounds cynical only because our society views selfless acts as virtuous and therefore there is an expectation that we should treat our dear ones - especially partners or potential partners - in a selfless manner. Frankly that's rubbish, you should enjoy the people that are dear to you and if you can't do that then they probably aren't going to be happy either.

It was a simple analogy dude, no need to overanalyse it :rolleyes:

As far as the OP goes, a friend of mine is going through something similar to you and it's been going on for the past year. This girl isn't sure what she wants but anytime it seems he is going off being with other girls she will start liking him again. He is foolish enough to drop everything for her until she changes her mind the next day and they're back to square one.

It's quite sad really to watch and he is naive to what she's doing to him. I've told him several times to forget about her and he tells me he is, but then the following week I see them talking in private and I know she is just using him for her own ego-boost.

Talliesin

Caliden wrote:

It was a simple analogy dude, no need to overanalyse it :rolleyes:

No it's not, it's what the word means. :rolleyes:

My point is that the phrasing used above compares emotional investment to financial investment in a way some might find cynical, but it isn't actually cynical at all.

Firetrap

You remind me of a guy I know who's fallen for the wrong girl a couple of times and been hurt very badly because of it. In both cases, the girlfriends in question made an eejit out of him and treated him very badly. They were in a position of power in that he was the one doing all the running, the one who was clearly infatuated with them and prepared to do anything for them. And these girls abused their positions with a vengeance.

Whatever you do, stop begging and looking for answers. All you're doing is making yourself seem desperate and pathetic (harsh words I know) and annoying the hell out of this girl. She's also no good for you; Caliden was right to call her a pr!cktease. She's only using you and isn't even behaving like a friend, let alone a girlfriend. Do you honestly think that if she agreed to go out with you again, that she wouldn't dump you again. Or that she'd be keeping one eye out for someone else? Get rid now and get on with your life without her in it. Anywhere.

IANAL (hullaballoo's test a/c)

Talliesin wrote:

IANAL wrote:

...

It sounds cynical only because our society views selfless acts as virtuous and therefore there is an expectation that we should treat our dear ones - especially partners or potential partners - in a selfless manner. Frankly that's rubbish, you should enjoy the people that are dear to you and if you can't do that then they probably aren't going to be happy either.

I don't fully follow your application of the above philosophy to my analogy. Nor did I intend to precipitate a discussion on semantics.

Quite often, the most simplistic analysis pays the greatest dividends (oops!) to those who can appreciate its aim: in this case, to show that people on whose memory or being you expend your energies should, by their reciprocation of a similar expense, justify such an expenditure. It's built on the moral maxim that relationships are built on 'give and take'. An excess on one behalf gives rise to an imbalance in the relationship, at which point the equilibrium needs to be re-established by a counter-balance.

Edit: apologies, after re-reading your post I see that you were pointing out that the analogy might sound cynical, and not that it was cynical. However, I still don't understand your last paragraph (above).

kryogen

ok so you think you past crushes as your "Almost 20" LOL!!! anyway. listen mate, she is not interested, she just likes to know that she can have you, maybe its an ego thing. DO NOT EVER BEG!!! for anything! are you really suprised she got angry?? do you want to drive her out of your life (not saying that would be the worst thing by the way) have some respect for yourself man. she said she doesnt want contact for a while, whatever you think, whatever you feel you have to respect that. i find it slightly humourous to be honest, you reckon you love her but when she was texting you alot and you were with the other girl you didnt take much notice? come on if it was a serious infatuation or if your feelings for this girl were that strong im pretty sure that you would have taken notice in her suddenly showing an intrest in you!

she seems to bring out bad pathetic trends in you so i would just steer clear anyway, maybe the "spark" she needs is the element of danger, or doing something you probably shouldnt be doing! and you say you know she was genuine? mate open yourself up to the reality that women can lie and cheat as much as men, and just like men they can smile when they do it!! i love women, i am not here to bash them, but just respect the fact that she could have just wanted to prove to herself that she could still have you and thats it.

move on, i know your getting old now but im sure you'll find a nice girl in your near future, and she wont be a bunny boiler!!! put this down to experience, one of lifes great lessons and all that kind of stuff

Vegeta

Caliden wrote:

She's a prícktease and just wants to know that she has you wrapped around her little finger and can have you whenever she wants.

Let her know she is a headwrecker before she does this to somebody else. If I were you I'd play the 'treat them mean, keep them keen' card and let her chase you to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Don't get involved with this girl again as it will only end up hurting you.

Also how the hell can you love her?? I think you're confusing infatuation with love mate seeing as you're only 19.
And for god's sake don't go 'begging' her for a reason, you just look weak and women don't fall for weak men. At least keep some of your pride and take her dumping you like a man. Go out, enjoy your birthday, forget about her and get a girl who knows what she wants from you and won't tag you along like a piece of shít

Nail on the head, thia is all the advice you should need.

SHE IS NOT INTERESTED. its that simple she is using you as an ego boost.

It hurts like hell. When she saw you with someone else she lost a bit of her self confidence so then she re-gained it by making you jump through hoops.

Do yourself a favour. Delete her number and treat her with cold in-difference

Talliesin

IANAL wrote:

However, I still don't understand your last paragraph (above).

Pretty much that what you said works because it results in happier people all round.

I jinxed myself by addressing one issue in your phrasing, and my own phrasing was all over the shop and much worse.

LegacyUser

'Hey guys!

Ok after a day i work i have done alot of thinking. I guess i was pretty stupid to text her and hound her for answers but i just let my emotions get the better of me which i seem to do alot. I just needed answers but i have reaslised its her who has to deal with it and not me.

I will admit one thing though. Im a fairly emotional and open guy. I never really hide my feelings and that has always been my downfall but its how i am so i cant change that.

In regards to the 'treat them mean keep them keen' comment that so many of you are using......well im a fond believer of just being up front with someone. I hate all the mind games. She told me she liked me and i told her i have always felt the same. I understand thats probably were i lost her cos i would drop everything for her i admit that. I know she knows that but its the way i feel and i cant prevent that.

I havent heard from her all day and it is killing me....but thankfully i havent had the urge to text her. I truly did believe she liked me and that had hurt me the most. I miss her alot now.'

IANAL (hullaballoo's test a/c)

Let me try and put this to you another way: if she's messing you around, you ought to think about whether or not she's really the woman of your dreams.

It's difficult for us (I am the same no-shít-, shoot-from-the-hip-, heart-on-the-sleeve-type guy as you appear to be) to understand that those people who play mind games do it for fun. They're not always doing it consciously, but it's something they get a buzz from - the chase, the flirting, the uncertainty etc. Once it starts to get easy, they tend to give up and move on.

I don't know this girl, so I can't say if she's really like that, but it would appear from the scenario as you have laid it before us to be one of those cases. It might be prudent to take the pain of ending things now, from your perspective, because they are probably already over from hers. Sorry.

LegacyUser

'Ok so i have finally turned 20!! WAAHEY!:D haha

Anyway the minute it hit midnight last night she was the first person to text me wishing me a happy birthday. She said she is sorry for everything and doesnt wanna lose me

Why are things so confusing....i melted when she text me!
What should i take from this?'

DublinWriter

Firetrap wrote:

I'd steer clear of this girl...If she truly fancied you, she wouldn't be messing you around like this.

Seconded.

barryfitz

Sorry to hear about your situation but, Id tell this girl where to feck off. She dumps you by text, who wants a bitch like that, Theres plenty more decent ones out there.

Go on the prowl again mate, and enjoy yourself while your at it!!!!!!

PS. the spark lies buried in Megatrons chest:D

Talliesin

Loner in Love wrote:

Why are things so confusing....i melted when she text me!
What should i take from this?

That you don't handle crushes well.

It's unlikely to work as a romantic relationship due to how that goes on her part.

It's unlikely to work as a friendship due to how that goes on your part (you can't handle being friends with someone you have a crush on).

Just let it go.

Firetrap

Loner in Love wrote:

'Ok so i have finally turned 20!! WAAHEY!:D haha

Anyway the minute it hit midnight last night she was the first person to text me wishing me a happy birthday. She said she is sorry for everything and doesnt wanna lose me

Why are things so confusing....i melted when she text me!
What should i take from this?'

You have a crush on this girl. You're infatuated with her. There's nothing wrong with having a crush on someone. It can happen to people of any age. The only thing is, you have to handle it differently to how a 13 year old would.

Everyone on this thread is telling you that she's no good for you and that all she's going to do is hurt you very badly. You are clearly second best in her eyes. A happy birthday text means nothing.

You're getting good advice here. I know you can't stop caring for her overnight but you need to take proactive steps to wean yourself off her. In other words, stop thinking about settling down with her in the little house with the white picket fence with babies and two dogs. Don't text her or keep texting to a minimum. Don't hang out with her if you can avoid it. Over time your feelings for her will diminish.

kryogen

im gonna go ahead and take a wild guess that you texted her back immediately saying it was ok and you didnt want to lose her either right???

listen,she is no good for you, whether she is doing it consciously or not she is causing pain to you, its not a healthy relationship and its one you need to sort out.

dont be a pushover for her again and come running when she whistles like your her pet dog man!

she will hurt you again

A Primal Nut

When she says spark she most likely means someone she can complain about to her friends. So don't text her back for a few a hours or at all, cancel meetings at the last minute, turn up late, look at other girls when she's around, etc. Girls like this love that.

Talliesin

A Primal Nut wrote:

When she says spark she most likely means someone she can complain about to her friends.

Eh. No.

She probably means something like what the OP mentions when he talks about how he feels about her.

Venom

Have to agree with the delete her phone number posse. This girl is and will, be nothing but pain for you. Delete her number, stop replying to texts and just treat her as an acquaintance rather than a friend as the way she has messed you around so far it shows she doesn't consider you a friend.

Caliden

Loner in Love wrote:

'Ok so i have finally turned 20!! WAAHEY!:D haha

Anyway the minute it hit midnight last night she was the first person to text me wishing me a happy birthday. She said she is sorry for everything and doesnt wanna lose me

Why are things so confusing....i melted when she text me!
What should i take from this?'

Absolutely nothing. She made it clear she doesn't want you in a relationship. You're nothing more than a friend and that's it so stop obsessing about this girl and accept the fact that she doesn't want you.