One "Free Murder" Ticket

Duggy747

So, you get up for breakfast, pour into a bowl your favourite cereal; Justice-O's, when next thing a promotional card comes out.

You read it and it turns out that you are allowed to perform 1 free murder, no consequences, no arrest..............no hassle! The only catch is that THE MURDER MUST BE A RIDICULIOUS ONE (i.e. kill someone with a spud gun), possibly due to legal reasons.

So you choke on your cereal with glee, grab a weapon and your jacket (while possibly still in the nip) and you proceed to use this card on someone very special.

So, who would you use your "Free Murder" card on? Me, I'd use it on Pete Doherty, no-good talentless bastard! I'd make the fecker OD by jabbing thousands of syringes full of Playdo up his arse!!

Ruu_Old

Hmm only one..Pighea...NO! Derek Mooney.

Pighead

Duggy747 wrote:

So, who would you use your "Free Murder" card on? Me?

Yep.

Archeron

Marty Whelan I'd put him in a big potato sack and then fill it with expanding insulating foam and then seal the bag.

Duggy747

Pighead wrote:

Yep.

Congrats Piggie, I was wondering how long it would take for someone to grab that one.

Touchè

AlmightyCushion

I'd use it on Vanessa Marcil. The weapon my penis.

justsomebloke

Duggy747 wrote:

So, you get up for breakfast, pour into a bowl your favourite cereal; Justice-O's, when next thing a promotional card comes out.

You read it and it turns out that you are allowed to perform 1 free murder, no consequences, no arrest..............no hassle! The only catch is that THE MURDER MUST BE A RIDICULIOUS ONE (i.e. kill someone with a spud gun), possibly due to legal reasons.

So you choke on your cereal

there you go there is my murder right there

TechnoFreek

only one ticket? tough decision.

It would have to be some Z list "celebrity" media whore who has contributed nothing to society e.g. that Chantelle bird from celebrity big brother who married (& divorced) Preston from Ordinary Boys.

I would take a lump hammer and starting at her little toe, begin hammering at every bone in her body working the way up.

I would love to see her wobble after getting both her ankles knocked in!!

rudie-

the guy from 2 pints of larger. he is not funny and there fore must be killed. hopefully by one of his own jokes..

i think this should be called the entrapment thread or the confessions thread.... first place they'll find suspects when the time comes

biko

On whoever dictates US foreign policy.
Death by auto erotic asphyxiation in a sleazy hotel room.

Agamemnon

I'd have to use it on Gay Byrne. I'd tie him to a lamppost upside-down and get every dog I can find to piss on him until he drowns. I'd even contribute some urine myself.

Pighead

AlmightyCushion wrote:

I'd use it on Vanessa Marcil. The weapon my penis.

Your little todger wouldn't do much damage. What are you gonna do, tickle her to death?

Ishmael

You see this is a very tough decision.
Obviously it couldn't be just any
Random personality from the media.
Every possible Choice of person

Must be considered, but the answer is
An obvious One.
!
!
!

TechnoFreek

Twink! What a sad sack of cr@p.

Mode of Murder? Suffocation - by jamming her head up her vagina

cance

I'd setup a viewing box as per the saw movie, throw mary harney in starved and charge people to watch her eat, herself...

"harney hungry, harney smash!"

Pighead

agamemnon wrote:

I'd have to use it on Gay Byrne. I'd tie him to a lamppost upside-down and get every dog I can find to piss on him until he drowns. I'd even contribute some urine myself.

So your saying you'd get your willy out for a tied up Gay? You naughty naughty boy.

_blank_

Ishmael wrote:

You see this is a very tough decision.
Obviously it couldn't be just any
Random personality from the media.
Every possible Choice of person

Must be considered, but the answer is
An obvious One.
!
!
!

That's the best, most original, use of this joke I've seen around here.

You are too good for AH, get thee to Creative Writing.

I'd kill David Beckham with a fish.

patrickolee

John Waters... it would have to be a water related death. Maybe death by enema!

layke

Jade Goody.

It's been coming a long time now.

Slow Motion

That irritating mofo from the HARVEEEE NOOORRMAN !!!!!!!! adds, I'd cut his tongue out and force him to listen to his add over and over at full volume until his eardrums burst and then finish him off by flaying him alive and forcing him to eat himself !

Plissken1

Bev Cooper Flynn

Maximilian

Duggy747 wrote:

So, who would you use your "Free Murder" card on? Me, I'd use it on Pete Doherty, no-good talentless bastard! I'd make the fecker OD by jabbing thousands of syringes full of Playdo up his arse!!

I would use it on you, OP, with a spork in a delightful twist of irony.

scitpo

Applemilk1988.

rudie-

Maximilian wrote:

I would use it on you, OP, with a spork in a delightful twist of irony.

Spork? you sure it aint a foon?

c0rk3r

Think id kill that smug, arrogant, fundamentalist, pompous prick richard dawkins.

Most likey take place at some lecture hall with a large crowd of atheists.Id shove Darwins theory of evolution up his ass while simultaneously ramming his books down his throat. Id be spitting on the atheist bible and killing its prophet at the same time. whistling playfully as i walk away scott free.

Hope pascals law works out for you fag.

Either that or any African leader whos still in power from the 70's / 80's

J.S. Pill

c0rk3r wrote:

Think id kill that smug, arrogant, fundamentalist, pompous prick richard dawkins.

Most likey take place at some lecture hall with a large crowd of atheists.Id shove Darwins theory of evolution up his ass while simultaneously ramming his books down his throat. Id be spitting on the atheist bible and killing its prophet at the same time. whistling playfully as i walk away scott free.

Hope pascals law works out for you fag.

Either that or any African leader whos still in power from the 70's / 80's

If you Kill Dawkins you will only make our movement stronger for it is prophetised that an unbeliever will kill the great one when the moon is in the 7th house and when Jupiter alligns with Mars. Then, and only then, peace will guide the planet and love will steer the stars. For this is the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius, yes, the Age of Aquarius.

Anto McC

Mika. I'd have a big fat bird sit on his face and suffocate him. We'll see if he still thinks they're beautiful.

jor el

J.S. Pill wrote:

If you Kill Dawkins you will only make our movement stronger for it is prophetised that an unbeliever will kill the great one when the moon is in the 7th house and when Jupiter alligns with Mars.

Wasn't that last week? Now you have to wait another thousand years, bummer.

TechnoFreek wrote:

Twink! What a sad sack of cr@p.

Mode of Murder? Suffocation - by jamming her head up her vagina

You'll have to take her head out of her ass first though.

Ishmael deserves a prize, perhaps a night with his victim? I hear he wouldn't be the first to go there though.

If someone else has already taken Pete Doherty out of it, I'd have to do Kate Moss (not do do, but do her in do). I'd bury her alive in Pete's coffin. She should fit in, she's only skinny and so is he.

Nailz

Well I'll kill Tom Cruis (the Scientologist Christ ). I would lock all his doors and windows in his house and shít in it until he sufficates in it. But you see, this is a tactical kill. You see if he dies, hopefully all Scientologists (including John Trovolta) would preform a mass suicide and completly wipe out this fake religion!

Pure Genius if you don't mind me saying .

Anto McC

Nailz wrote:

Well I'll kill Tom Cruis (the Scientologist Christ ). I would lock all his doors and windows in his house and shít in it until he sufficates in it. But you see, this is a tactical kill. You see if he dies, hopefully all Scientologists (including John Trovolta) would preform a mass suicide and completly wipe out this fake religion!

Pure Genius if you don't mind me saying .

Close enough to it anyway.

Creamy Goodness

argh, tough choice between amanda brunker or kerry katona.

why can't i have two tickets?

Alanthroneus

Well i do go with nelson mandela...... just to stir **** up ..... blame it on the yemenese or something

Gazza22

Russell Brand

Simple

Slutmonkey57b

Yore Ma

Shagged to death with a bingo marker.

Terry

Cremo wrote:

argh, tough choice between amanda brunker or kerry katona.

why can't i have two tickets?

Buy another box of cereal.


I'd kill Ian Paisley.
I'd have Gerry Adams sodomise him to death. Adams would then commit suicide.

J.S. Pill

Cremo wrote:

kerry katona.

If you must kill her then you have to find a way of preserving that fine rack of hers (maybe tick 'breasts' on her organ downer card)

emeraldstar

Duggy747 wrote:

So you choke on your cereal with glee, grab a weapon and your jacket (while possibly still in the nip) and you proceed to use this card on someone very special.

My only question is why I would be having breakfast in the nip...?

Nanook32

BARRY MOTHER ****ING SCOTT!!!!!!!!!!!! That bastard !

I'd bang bleach that mother ****ers Cilit SLOWLY.............
BURN Barry, BURN!!!! That shiny penny won't be shiny no more where he'll be goin.....

Slutmonkey57b

J.S. Pill wrote:

If you must kill her then you have to find a way of preserving that fine rack of hers (maybe tick 'breasts' on her organ downer card)

Absolutely. Give her a good tit-shagging to death. Actually don't kill her just keep at it. Why spoil the fun by killing her?

Creamy Goodness

ehh because she's annoying, come on now big tits, sure they are big but like would you like to listen to "i shop at iceland whilst tit-****ing her and having an iceland bag stare back at you.

hey i suppose different strokes...

Slutmonkey57b

Exactly. Different strokes. Besides, why would you be listening to her? invest in some earplugs if that bothers you.

I'd quite happily listen to her if it meant I got to tit-**** her a lot.

lezizi

Id get an AIDs infected man to ride George W Bush up the ass

Blackhorse Slim

Michael Flatley. Burn him from the feet up - feet of flames my arse. If I had two cards I'd use them both on him, just to be sure. And if I had a time machine, I travel back to before Riverdance and use them then.





Not that I'm obsessed or anything...

mcsmohil

Duggy747 wrote:

So, you get up for breakfast, pour into a bowl your favourite cereal; Justice-O's, when next thing a promotional card comes out.

You read it and it turns out that you are allowed to perform 1 free murder, no consequences, no arrest..............no hassle! The only catch is that THE MURDER MUST BE A RIDICULIOUS ONE (i.e. kill someone with a spud gun), possibly due to legal reasons.

So you choke on your cereal with glee, grab a weapon and your jacket (while possibly still in the nip) and you proceed to use this card on someone very special.

So, who would you use your "Free Murder" card on? Me, I'd use it on Pete Doherty, no-good talentless bastard! I'd make the fecker OD by jabbing thousands of syringes full of Playdo up his arse!!

I would spike Bono with ruffies, n pay three Aids invested junkies to jizz in his mouth

Jesus Wept

Terry wrote:

Buy another box of cereal.


I'd kill Ian Paisley.
I'd have Gerry Adams sodomise him to death. Adams would then commit suicide.

Who gave you a murder-suicide ticket?

c0rk3r's wrote:

Think id kill that smug, arrogant, fundamentalist, pompous prick richard dawkins.

Most likey take place at some lecture hall with a large crowd of atheists.Id shove Darwins theory of evolution up his ass while simultaneously ramming his books down his throat. Id be spitting on the atheist bible and killing its prophet at the same time. whistling playfully as i walk away scott free.

Hope pascals law works out for you fag.

mcsmohil wrote:

I would spike Bono with ruffies, n pay three Aids invested junkies to jizz in his mouth

This thread is really bringing out the worst in people... and the worst of people.

Terry

The-Rigger wrote:

Who gave you a murder-suicide ticket?

Didn't you read the back of the box?
1 in every 500,000 contains a murder suicide ticket.

Also, the whole thing would take place in public for extra humiliation of paisley. ( he may actually be a closet homosexual and enjoy the company of adams.)

Jesus Wept

I was too busy completing the little maze on the box to bother reading the thing.

lezizi

mcsmohil wrote:

I would spike Bono with ruffies, n pay three Aids invested junkies to jizz in his mouth

Ah ha ha do it do it, i hate Bono

the_syco

Ummm... the english queen. Strap her arse shut and feed her cake untill she keels over and dies.

That or kill the pope by making him walk on a cloud. "You're in heaven, walk on the fluffy cloud...". I'd do it over Rome, with the hope he lands on his pope mobile.

Blackhorse Slim

lezizi wrote:

Ah ha ha do it do it, i hate Bono

He speaks very highly of you.

Terry

I hate everyone who hates Bono.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jynSF_GrL0g