to have a baby????

LegacyUser

When is the right time to have a baby, I'm 34 and married but with big mortg repayments every month I'm worried about is it the right time to have a baby as I couldnt go parttime in my job and I'm the bigger wageearner so whats one to do......

Victor

I don't think there is a "right time". However, before 20 and after 40 present their own set of problems.

Note the is also a Parenting Forum

Bottle_of_Smoke

Do you want a baby enough to move into a less valuble home?

Maybe it's a happy medium

kelle

Callanholly, I can sympathise with your situation. I'm actually due to return to work in September, but I'm fortunately in a position where I'm able to take unpaid maternity leave until then.
You are now entitled to 26 weeks maternity leave. Once you've got a good childminder organised, it can actually be a pleasure to return to work and speak to adults!
You're bound to have lots of friends or colleagues in that situation, who have children and working full-time while making huge mortgage repayments, it might make you feel better to talk to them and find out how they're managing, and you might be pleasantly surprised at how well they manage.
Financially, you will be entitled to e160 per month Children's Allowance, and e1000 per year Childcare Allowance. It helps!

LegacyUser

Hi,
My wife and myself are both in our early 30's - we started trying to have a kid 18 months ago, after a year, nothing had happened, so we went through the normal routes and are awaiting the results of our first attempt at IVF as I speak.
Basically, all I'm saying is that the longer you leave it, the harder it gets, after the age of 35, female fertility goes downhill very rapidly (generally). Whilst I appreciate your predicament from a financial perspective, I just want you to be aware that it may not be as easy for you as it would have been 5 years ago.
There are tests you can both do at this stage, that can be bought online, these will give you a general indication of whether or not things are alright with both of, they're not a substitute for GP tests, but if they were to indicate any problems (they're very basic) at that initial stage you would know that you don't have time to lose.
If it were to happen that there were any problems, again the success rates of treatment are much higher the younger you are. Not trying to scare you, but just want you to be aware, afterall, it's reckoned that 1 in 6 couples have problems.
Good luck.

kelle

Victor wrote:

Note the is also a Parenting Forum

[url=' http://www.eumom.com/ie/forum/']This[/url] is a brilliant website too.

sundodger5

as posted above there is no right time to have children.
a wise man once said to me that if you wait until you can afford children it will be a long wait.
i appreciate that there are the lucky few for whom the financial thing is not a problem but they are in the minority.
it may be tough for the first couple of years but vastly outweighed by the pleasure they bring.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
From the father of 3 girls which he can't afford

Carrigart Exile

If you are the large wage earner, would your husband be prepared to be the one looking after the child and taking a part time job?

Mrs_Doyle

I agree with most people when they say there is no 'right time'.

A friend of mine started trying for a baby when she was 25.

Herself and her partner tried for a year with no success, so decided to concentrate on building a house, with a view to investigating the baby making matter once the house was completed.

About 6months into the build she fell pregnant accidentally.

Instead of being excited, she was really freaked out. They had just taken out a huge mortgage and had a lot on their plates with the house and work.

Needless to say, she got over her freak out, and after a few weeks of getting used to the idea she allowed herself to get excited.

Where there is a will, there's a way. Herself and her partner made it work and have a lovely little set up now with a new baby and a new home.

Ickle Magoo

Another one in the "no right time" camp, here. Some situations are always going to be more favourable than others (reasonably financially secure, etc) but there is no time where folks think, right, this is it, on the 23rd of Aug 07, all will be well for having kids (well, maybe a few folks but I'd say they are in the minority!). We sat up one night & went through the pro's & con's & decided that looking at things at their extremes that there was no guarantees that we will be alive, married, employed &/or housed this time next week, never mind for the next 20yrs but we had to assume all will work itself out in the end & we should just take the leap of faith. Best of luck with whatever you decide!

Dreamer 7

I agree with the others, there is no right time. I am 25 and have 2 children and struggle along each day but would never be without the joy that they bring. My sister is 30 and has her nice house car job etc and thinks that I did it the right way because now that she has all that she doesnt want to give any of it up!
The important thing is that your future child is healthy no matter when it decides to come along

nice1franko

my gf was wondering the same thing at the weekend.

dont think there's ever a "right time".

i think you get more tax credits and childrens allowance which would help a bit, plus your mortgage repayments *effectively* go down over the years...

go for it. you'll be grand!!

Mrs_Doyle

I work with a lady who had her first child at 39. Her kid is 11 now, and she is 50 and sometimes she is just too tired to run about and play with him as much as she would like too.

I wouldn't like to be too old to enjoy my kids to the max.

Beruthiel

There is absolutely never a right time to have a baby, you just have one, then you manage, that's always the way it's been and it will always be that way.
Once a baby arrives, you will do just about anything to make it work, doesn't matter what that is, you'll do it, you're whole outlook will change towards their wellbeing and the family unit.
If you intend to have children, just start right now and let the cards fall where they may, at 34, it's now or never.

delly

As said above, theres never a perfect time to have a child, but my criteria was to be in a reasonably sized house and to be secure in my employment. Being in a decent house goes hand in hand with having a big mortgage so its just one of the things I accept.

I had specifically being saving into a 'baby fund' account for the last few years so when I had my child (2 months old now) the entire cost of consultant, nursery and accessories etc. was covered without having to go near my regular monthly wages. Obviously the cost of a child will continue for some time but with the €1,000 every year and the child allowance it works out at an extra €240 or so a month.

At the end of the day, time is ticking and having a child is a mind blowing experience. Spending habits can change, cuts can be made and I think if you leave it much longer due to financial issues, you'll kick yourself later in life.

Glowing

You're 34, even if you start trying now, it might not happen immediately. It might take a year. Then you're pregnant at 35, baby at 36. If you want to have a second, you could be pushing it.

What I'm trying to point out is that if you're definately sure you want to have kids, then start trying sooner rather than later, things don't always go to plan unfortunately.

Good luck!

RIRI

Another "no such thing as the "right" time" camper here

My pregnancy was completely unexpected and we were completely unprepared financially (renting / OH had just started up his own business/ employeer didn't top up salary at the time). The small man is now 2 & 1/2 and while at times we were under alot of pressure financially i have found that when it comes to the crunch you'll always find money for the necessities. Yes you have to make spending cuts & your lifestyle will inevitably change but as beruthiel said you will make it work - whatever it takes.

In fairness OP you own your own place which is a lot more than many with children. If you're worried about big mortgage repayments sell up and trade down. One thing is for certain - you'll never regret having children, you will regret it if you allow your finances make this decision for you.

best of luck whatever you decide.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all you replies but we couldnt down size as its a small house already and I've asked all 4 friends with kids how they manange and got no so good results, they all said they were in difficulties, loans upon loans ( all have good jobs) I was suprised.....so at a young age 34 I'll have to sit down and work out things on the money front......its mad to think it comes down to money as the only people I can see who can afford to stay at home with their kids are people on social welfare.....

RIRI

callanholly wrote:

Thanks for all you replies but we couldnt down size as its a small house already and I've asked all 4 friends with kids how they manange and got no so good results, they all said they were in difficulties, loans upon loans ( all have good jobs) I was suprised.....so at a young age 34 I'll have to sit down and work out things on the money front......its mad to think it comes down to money as the only people I can see who can afford to stay at home with their kids are people on social welfare.....

Even though we had difficulties we still managed to keep our heads above water without loans or handouts. I think you may have already made up your mind on this one.

jubi lee

just a point to note is that as you know every woman is born with the total amount of eggs she'll have for life. Scarily by the age of 35, 90% of these are dead/abnormal according to fertility expert on newstalk last week. (though i have read on the VHI site it's 50% by the age of 35 )with a sharp decline as you get older. your chances of having a down syndrome child also increase.

so i'd say if you ever envisage having a child of your own, you'd want to start thinking about it in next several years...

on a side note a guys fertility doesn't start to decline until the age of 50..

Nevyn

No holidays outside of the country, no desginer clobber or make up ect
you would be surpised what you can live with out.

cmurph

op ,you reckon the only people who can afford to stay at home with their kids are on social welfare...well i stay at home with my 2 girls....i am NOT on any social welfare other than receiving childrens allowance ,
sometimes money can be tight, we can't afford foreign holidays, we do get to eat out once in a while ,i work part time and my hubby works full time.
neither of the jobs are well paid ,just normal jobs...so you see it is acheivable to have children, pay all the bills and still stay afloat

it may mean cutting back on the lifestyle you now have but i guarantee if you have a child you would give up everything just as long as your family is ok..

having a child is so rewarding and to have that unconditional love is worth giving up on holidays or expensive clothes or whatever it is...

ask any parent would they like to go back to when they had no kids and i guess the answer will be no.....
just say today i stop taking my pill [or whatever ] and if i get pregnant we will deal with it .....

littlebug

I agree with everyone else. If you were to wait for the right time you'd probably never have a baby. You'd be really surprised at how much you can cut back on spending if you need to. Also it's worth bearing in mind that it can take a while to actually get pregnant. It happened instantly with my first but took a year with my second who was born just before I turned 35.

Just stop thinking about it and do it! Everything else will fall into place.

LegacyUser

'Sat down at we are left with €420 month after paying for everything that we think arises which would'nt leave us much if anything major happened......and no designer clothes in our wardrobe, had 1 hoil in the last 3 yrs so out budget is on a limit as we probally only go out every 6 weeks so what else can we cut back on????????????Could it really take yrs to get preg as all 4 friend I asked, it took them 1st try.....unless they are lying......'

delly

No way to know how long it will take or if all the biological pieces are firing on all cylinders. One fact however is that if there are any complications the sooner you find out the better.

Look, at the end of the day having a baby is a life changing event that can't be imagined. Life isn't like a computer game where you can go back to a saved position and take another approach, if you leave it too late the chance will be gone with the result of you kicking yourself long into retirement.

The fact that you have taken time to consider the options and money is a sign you have a level head, but I think you know as well as the rest of us that there is only one answer and that is to give it a go.

littlebug

callanholly wrote:

'Sat down at we are left with €420 month after paying for everything that we think arises which would'nt leave us much if anything major happened......and no designer clothes in our wardrobe, had 1 hoil in the last 3 yrs so out budget is on a limit as we probally only go out every 6 weeks so what else can we cut back on????????????Could it really take yrs to get preg as all 4 friend I asked, it took them 1st try.....unless they are lying......'

Ways that we cut back included grocery shopping ie. aldi/ lidl where appropriate, bringing packed lunches to work etc.
On your other question... IIRC correctly the average length of time it takes to get pregnant is 6 months. If your cycle is normal and regular then it probably won't take as long. Most of my friends got pg fairly quicky but the one who was oldest starting out (35) was the one who had most problems, finally having her baby by IVF at 39. However I believe she had a bit of a crazy cycle anyway to start with. But there's no way of knowing til you start trying! I do think it is those years after 35 where it can get more difficult.
Do you think that anything is going to change significantly, financially speaking, in the next few years that would make things easier then. If not then what's the point of waiting when every year at this stage makes a big difference!

LegacyUser

Thanks for your answers....really starting to think now....have we left it too late....and the last reply is right....will our salaries really change in 3-5 yrs...no probally.....................Its just such a worry matter "cash" as I dont want to be taking loan out after loan but dont want to be childless either......

BC

On the time it takes to concieve - there really is no way of knowing until you start trying.

One of my friends got pregnant in the first month of trying. Another took 5 years and she started trying at 24 (and there was nothing medically wrong).

kelle

callanholly wrote:

'Sat down at we are left with €420 month after paying for everything that we think arises which would'nt leave us much if anything major happened......and no designer clothes in our wardrobe, had 1 hoil in the last 3 yrs so out budget is on a limit as we probally only go out every 6 weeks so what else can we cut back on????????????

Did you add the Children's Allowance and Childcare Allowance to all this? And bear in mind the child will probably get lots of presents of clothes and baby accessories from friends and relatives! I have 3 children and I rarely need to buy them clothes or toys.

milkerman

Hi Callanholly,

You have already considered the finances and other ramifications of having a baby at this time. Although the hazards of having a baby when you are older are well known and accepted, the odds are very much in favour of your being OK for some years to come.
You have not made clear what your partners opinions are on the subject. When it comes to procreation women do 99% of the work, morning sickness, piles, varicose vains etc. After the baby is born, the father shares 50% of the responsibility.
If you have a baby, you can say goodbye to holidays, social life and all the usual comforts for a good many years to come. If you are BOTH equally agreeable to this you will muddle through.
Many years ago at age 30 my wife made a unilateral decision to have our first child at age 30. She told me it was an accident & the result of a vomiting bug which affected her use of the Pill. I believed her, two years later I discovered through my being sober & her sister + close friend being drunk that this was not the case. She had been worrying exactly as you are and simply stopped using birth control (without telling me).
I am still married to the same woman, I suppose I still love her, but our relationship suffered and will never be the same again.

The point of this being- If you are both equally committed to have children then go ahead, you will muddle through and be very happy. If your partner is not as committed or wants to wait, I think you should hold off. Children are a committment for LIFE.
Best of luck. Life was much easier when you could buy real Gripe Water & Ambesol by the way.

nice1franko

Looks like you're not alone milkerman http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/139/139613_women_lie_cheat_and_steal.html?ref=emtaf&archive=archive

Demonique

OP, do you WANT a baby and if you do, do you

a) Want a baby because you want a baby
b) want a baby because other people EXPECT you to have a baby? You should only have a baby because You and your partner want a baby not because other people are putting pressure on you to have one

Demonique

agefactor? wrote:

Hi,
My wife and myself are both in our early 30's - we started trying to have a kid 18 months ago, after a year, nothing had happened, so we went through the normal routes and are awaiting the results of our first attempt at IVF as I speak.

agefactor, have your and your wife considered going on a fertility diet? There's an inspiring story in the September edition of Eve magazine of a woman who became pregnant after going on such a diet:

Teaching assistant Ann Miller, 32, from Kent, had almost given up hope of conceiving, when a nutritionist advised her to clean up her diet.
'I spent seven years trying to get pregnant, without success. There appeared to be no medical explanation, and it was heartbreaking. My partner Mick and I were told our only option was IVF, but I was depressed to learn that there was only a 25% success rate.

'A neighbour told me about a nutritionist called Fleur Brown, who worked with the fertility organisation Foresight. I was sceptical, but after just one appointment, I felt more positive than I had in years. She suggested we go on a one-month detox, so out went the ready-meals, crisps, chocolate, beer and wine. Everything had to be cooked from scratch and, where possible, organic. Despite feeling rough for the first few days, we soon lost weight (at 12 stone, I needed to) and I had heaps more energy.

'Results of hair and saliva analysis tests showed that I was deficient in zinc, vitamin E, folic acid and iron, and had low levels of progesterone, the hormone needed for the fertilised egg to implant. Fleur encouraged me to eat more protein, healthy fats from oily fish, nuts and seeds, and seafood for extra zinc. I also tucked into broccoli, kale and sprouts, cruciferious veg rich in glucosinolate, to help balance my hormones. Within three months, there was a dramatic improvement in my hormone levels and mineral counts and I'd lost a stone and a half in weight. But still no baby.
'Then about 12 months after my first appointment, I missed a period. I did a pregnancy test and when we saw the blue line, Mick and I burst into tears. We've just found out we're having a little boy in October, and I couldn't be happier. I'm allowing myself more treats, but I'll never go back to my old habits'.

For more information on Foresight, visit www.foresight-preconception.org.uk

WHAT ANN EATS
Breakfast Organic low-fat bio yogurt with seeds, nuts and berries
Lunch Sandwich with free-range egg or salad with oily fish. Fruit, organic yogurt and cashew nuts
Dinner Spaghetti Bolognese with organic mince or salad with free-range chicken
Snacks Fruit with a small handful of cashews
Drinks Filtered water or organic squash

WHY IT WORKS
'Processed foods often lack the nutrients you need for a healthy pregnancy,' says Fleur. 'Important foods are those rich in B vitamins (wholegrains, vegetables) to promote cervical health; iron (red meat, green veg), and vitamin C (fruit and veg), which assits ovulation; vitamin E (greens, seeds, almonds), plus essential fats (oily fish, nuts, seeds) to balance hormones, and zinc.'

Call Fleur on (44) 1892 616621; or visit www.fleurbrownnutrition.co.uk



I also heard of a woman conceiving after she went on a course of acupuncture