Almost dropped myself onto train track....

LegacyUser

..I was watching the train coming in this morning and all I wanted to do was leap in front of the train. To be honest its been like that for a week or so. I even noticed the train driver looking anxiously at me the other morning as I was standing very close to the edge. I couldn't do it in front of all those people, could I?

Without getting into details I have alot of problems that just seem to keep mounting up. I can't take it anymore. I am exhausted with the constant sadness, lonliness, irrirability, anxiousness, nervousness and anger. I feel so lost and empty and its been like that for years.

Just about every part of my life is a total and utter disaster and failure from my job and education to my daily life and my love life. Love life? I am 30 and never been in love, well nothing other than unrequited.

I am not sure why I am posting this here. I know the responses already, "see a councellor", "go to your doctor", "talk to a a friend". Its all bull****. I can't bring myself to do any of this. I am close to nobody and could never discuss it.

I was going to end it all a couple weeks ago but a situation happened between me and a friend and I knew if I did that person may think they had something to do with it. So now I am going to have to put up with this agony a while longer. How much longer I don't know. I used to be able to live with it and smile when it was needed but I can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted.

Thanks for reading.

Nevyn

http://www.dublinsamaritans.ie/

At Samaritans we offer confidential, non-judgemental support 24 hours a day.

Phone: 1850 60 90 90
Email: jo@samaritans.org
Visit Us: 112 Marlborough Street, Dublin 1 - 10.00 am - 9.00 pm, 7 days a week.

ironictoaster

I would recommend emailing these guys. They helped me to get pass depression

little miss

You poor thing, that's horrible for you. I really feel for you. But the fact that you're posting here shows great courage and shows you are looking for someone to persuade you that life is worth living. Please seek help, you really do need to see someone ASAP. Counsellors can help, I promise you. Maybe you have an imbalance, and need medication to help you feel better. It could be medical. You have to for your own sake. You are only 30, there's still time to turn your life around! Still plenty of time to make something of your life, and fall in love. Not everyone achieves everything in their twenties. Why don't you write your problems down, and think of solutions to them rather than just focus on the negative aspects. This board is great for advice. Keep talking to us, and don't give up. Please. I honestly believe you can get through this.

cork_ie

lifeless wrote:

..I was watching the train coming in this morning and all I wanted to do was leap in front of the train. To be honest its been like that for a week or so. I even noticed the train driver looking anxiously at me the other morning as I was standing very close to the edge. I couldn't do it in front of all those people, could I?

Without getting into details I have alot of problems that just seem to keep mounting up. I can't take it anymore. I am exhausted with the constant sadness, lonliness, irrirability, anxiousness, nervousness and anger. I feel so lost and empty and its been like that for years.

Just about every part of my life is a total and utter disaster and failure from my job and education to my daily life and my love life. Love life? I am 30 and never been in love, well nothing other than unrequited.

I am not sure why I am posting this here. I know the responses already, "see a councellor", "go to your doctor", "talk to a a friend". Its all bull****. I can't bring myself to do any of this. I am close to nobody and could never discuss it.

I was going to end it all a couple weeks ago but a situation happened between me and a friend and I knew if I did that person may think they had something to do with it. So now I am going to have to put up with this agony a while longer. How much longer I don't know. I used to be able to live with it and smile when it was needed but I can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted.

Thanks for reading.

Obviously you don't want to discuss your problems face to face with anyone and may even feel a little embarrassed or ashamed of yourself with your situation.I honestly think you are the only one who thinks that, but I can understand you can't bring yourself to talk to anyone who may know you.I think what you want is to share your burden with no strings attached and as anonymously as possible. I am prepared to talk you through this if you want to pm me. I have no training in this area but the school of life. I don't need to know who you are or where you are, just what your difficulties are and how they can be overcome. Alternatively I would suggest you go to a parish somewhere outside your local area and try and have a chat with a priest , it may sound crazy and you quite likely don't attend any church anyway but what I will guarantee you is that you will get total anonymity. Most of them are good decent individuals with a lot of experience in this area and will not try to shove religion down your throat either.
I mean this with the very best of intentions and it is in no way a smart comment.

Drift

I just want to echo what the other posters have said OP .... the fact that you posted here shows that you know it is possible to improve your life and become happy with it and you would like to get your life moving that direction. Like others have said there is a lot of people out there who can give you advice totally anonymously. Some, like the samaritans, you would never even have to meet. The charter thread on this board has a few links that may help - some of them even provide tips on how to help yourself. There's no embarrasment in trying out some of the self help tips because no-one at all has to know you're doing them.

Above all OP, you've taken the first step to improving things by posting here. Don't stop now. Take the next small step please.

Oriel

Getting wasted will help in the short term.
It won't sort out your problems, but it'll preoccupy yourself with more instinctive thoughts, perhaps not the best advice, but it'll still briefly kick you away from the edge of the train track.
Saying that, if I was in such a state as to through myself off a bridge, I woudn't give a **** about a computer, nevermind logging onto boardsie to find out what other people would think.
So, m'eh, what do I know? Are you looking for attention or help?

LegacyUser

I'm not going to judge you, but I will ask a favour. Jumping on front of a train involves entirely innocent bystanders - primarily the train driver who will be badly affected. Please don't do that, its dreadfully unfair. Callous as this may appear you still have a duty of care to others no matter how bad you feel.

I don't have an answer to your question because you have already answered it. "I can't bring myself to do any of this" i.e. you refuse to talk to anybody or take any form of treatment. Believe me, I have been where you are, and it pains me to say that I have found serious depression to be similar in respects to addiction (e.g. alcoholism). Some sufferers refuse help to kick it, and end up self destructing. Until you take the first step and realise that you suffer from an illness you will continue on present course. If you go for treatment there will be relapses along the way, but you have to understand it as a life long illness that can be treated but not cured. Eventually you will come to an understanding with yourself and learn to control it. I know I did. But first things first - recognize the illness.

What next?
1. Go to the GP and ask for drugs. It'll deaden the pain long enough so you can make some rational decisions.
2. Decide on what you really want to do when in a rational frame of mind - I suggest cognitive therapy combined with drug therapy.
3. Go to this course: http://www.stpatrickshosp.ie/candidate/pages/programmes/depression.aspx

I've lived with it for a long time. I have had everything up to and including ECT. I now live a quiet and peaceful life, and manage the condition (drug and treatment free at the moment). But I had to recognise that, and I had to fix it. I may seem harsh but I now realise time wasting is the worst thing. If you broke your arm you'd go to the hospital - same goes when something is broken up there.....It's your decision.

daveirl

This post has been deleted.

Oriel

I have, and currently do, from time to time, suffer from anxiety, and even with that, I know I don't think about anything other than curling up in a ball. That is neither here nor there.

daveirl wrote:

This post has been deleted.

Fair enough - Firstly, OP what family or friends have you? Close or not.

Victor

unlifeless wrote:

I'm not going to judge you, but I will ask a favour. Jumping on front of a train involves entirely innocent bystanders - primarily the train driver who will be badly affected. Please don't do that, its dreadfully unfair. Callous as this may appear you still have a duty of care to others no matter how bad you feel.

Indeed, many train drivers who experience situations like this never drive a train again. Thats not fair on them, passengers or the emergency services who have to clean up afterwards.

CliffHuxtabel

Im sorry youre depressed. Like probably everyone else, I too felt extended periods of feeling down and depressed in the past. Ill admit that the thought of bailing out crossed my mind although i never took any action towards it.

I dont know if i can say anything to console you. Im sure youve heard it all before and that any advice or words of consolation will only have a temporary effect before you feel like sh*t again.

The only thing ill say is before you do anything with irreversible consequences then just try and live a little. I dont quote 'The Shawshank Redemption' much but like he says in the film you should "get busy living... or get busy dying". If you feel like youre capable of lying on the railtrack then realistically you have nothing to lose. When you think about it, you dont really have anything to fear anymore: you can take any risks you want.

If your current situation sucks then rip it up and get a new situation. Quit your job and get one you like. Ask out that person you think is cute. Pack up your things and go live in the Bahamas. Rob a bank for f**ks sake!

Whatever you do, dont jump in front of any trains. Lifes too short as it is. I agree with the other posters who advise you to get professional help but I just want to remind you that the world is very much full of possibility and romance for you.

Hermy

You have taken time out to talk to the Boards and they have responded as they did for me. Please keep in touch cause there are some really decent people here who care about the difficulties we all face. The Boards have been good for me and I know they can be good for you too. I may not have any definite answers for you but communicating with each other can help us to start heading in the right direction. I have turned a corner because of the positive feedback I received when I looked for advice regarding my drinking. I wasn't handed a magic solution or anything like that but re-reading my own posts and the words of encouragement of others have nudged me in the right direction. I can't begin to understand why you feel the way you do but I do know that there are ways of fixing it. Counseling does help and so does medication when it's required. Please keep in touch with the Boards and take strength from the support of those who have posted before me. They certainly helped me in my hour of need.

Oriel

unlifeless wrote:

I'm not going to judge you, but I will ask a favour. Jumping on front of a train involves entirely innocent bystanders - primarily the train driver who will be badly affected. Please don't do that, its dreadfully unfair. Callous as this may appear you still have a duty of care to others no matter how bad you feel.

And there are the people, whether you care for them or not, who will have to deal with things if you did do it.
I presume you have family - they're going to have a funeral and, much more importantly, emotional trauma to deal with.

That's why I asked what family or friends you have? Close or not, they will feel it. Talk to them, whether you think they will listen or not.

LegacyUser

my 2centsfrom a 40 something......
I dispair when i read of all the young people killing thmselves, they are trapped inside thier own mind, they can't feel a warm breeze on their face and know its good to be alive......

2 things I recommend to you.....the 1st is to GIVE, you appear to have a lot of time , go wok for a charity like the Simon community, watch people really striving to mke it though the dayfor the basic essentials, working with charities like this will make you feel fulfilled in a way that will suprise you.

When you feel like you can't take no more Give....it confuses the universe and good thing will happen, the 1st thing will be inside of you.


Please don't do anything stupid, your mother fought hard to bring you into this world, you will be killing part of her also.....so go on lifeless try to help others as an experiment and see what happens.......


rgds
WillieC.

LegacyUser

Thanks for listening people. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I am like this. I don't mean to sound selfish or attention seeking. I took this morning of work as I couldn't bare the thoughts of the train. Although I will have to do it later.

I don’t think I would ever end it in that way. I realise there are people there that would be affected. I couldn't do that to people. It was just yesterday morning I was just standing there, so consumed my pain and sadness, looking at the track and seeing the train coming. It was like this invisible force behind me trying to push me.

I have a couple friends but I would never discuss this with any of them. They have noticed my weight loss (can't eat) and increased drinking. But they just laugh at it and don't ask questions.

Marksie

Lifeless: Before you can do something about it, you have to want to do something about it.

Yes you have issues and problems, they may seem insurmountable when taken together, but taken individually they are not.

Non-communication, not seeking help or advice is not going to even begin resolving the situation.
There are links and numbers in the charter sticky.

We can give you all the best advice in the world, you said it yourself, you know what we will say.

Its up to you to do something about it. Lift yourself by you mental shoulderstraps and DO something.
In doing nothing things get bigger and bigger in your own mind.

All you are doing is effectively running away, in doing nothing you are not facing your problems, in contemplating throwing yourself under a train you are running away.
If you actively decide, right i am going to actually do something positive, then you will find a lot of support, both here and outside.

Decisions yours ultimately.

Remember this though, next time, thinking about your family and friends:
To the world you are one person, but to one person you are the world.

Edit: I am going to say that 3 years ago, for several reasons, i faced the greatest series of crises occurring together all at the same time. The thought entered the head then right enough. I would say i had two ways to go, but in reality i didn't, i knew that was the time to stop being the strong guy and get help. A good GP and a helping hand for just 4 months(off work and antidepressants) where all that where needed. I knocked down each issue i could and came to terms with the events i had no control over.After the 4 months i knew the crises had passed and i could rebuild.

Three years later, i am stronger, wiser and a much "better" (for want of a term and space) person.

Somtimes your spirit has to be tempered in fire to remade into something precious.

I would not be hear, now, if i had follwoed the impulse, and not taken charge

b3t4

Lifeless,

What an awful time you must be going through right now.

As you've said yourself you know what people here will advise you to do.

My advise to you is to try to build yourself up to going to your doctor once. What have you got to loose if you go once? Is there any questions you might have about what to expect when you go to a doctor or counsellor that we might be able to answer here for you?

Some methods to cope before you head to the doctor (most doctors are so good about this sort of thing so please concider this)
1. Start writing all your feelings down. It isn't a competition to see who can write the best essay so feel free to curse, swear, scrible, babble, rant, whatever you want.
2. Start hitting a pillow against a wall if you are feeling any anger. It's a safe anger release. Ya feel daft but believe me it's great

In your current state of mind drinking might appear to offer you all the answers but in truth it's a depressant. It will make you situation worse. Please try and stay away from the drink.

You can come through this. I know many people who have and I know that there are many people who will.

A.

dame

b3t4 wrote:

In your current state of mind drinking might appear to offer you all the answers but in truth it's an (anti-)depressant. It will make you situation worse. Please try and stay away from the drink.

Alcohol is a depressant, and yes, it will make you feel worse.


OP, go to your doctor. You need medication and a little while off work to tackle how you feel.

Once you are calmer and can think about things I would suggest you find a different job or a training course to take you in a new direction. You're worn down by the same old thing day in day out with a commute on top of it. If your job doesn't make you feel interested and looking forward to your day then it is time to change it.

b3t4

Thanks dame for spotting my mistake. I've corrected that.

A

LegacyUser

Probably the only thing good anyone can say about depression is that it is a beatable illness. I have suffered from depression too, and I started getting help about two years ago. There is a lot of help out there if you look for it. Get all the help you can. Definitely talk to a counsellor. Read Tony Bates book 'Depression: The common sense approach'. You could ask your GP for a referral to a cognitive behavioural psychotherapist. They can help you with patterns of thinking that drag you down, low self-esteem and lack of confidence. Most people who suffer from depression do recover when they get help. Best of luck.

neuro-praxis

dame wrote:

Alcohol is a depressant, and yes, it will make you feel worse.

Actually alcohol is a physical depressant, not an emotional depressant, but that having been said, the more miserable you feel, the better it is to keep a bit of distance from the drink.

OP, that feeling you have of being alone and hopeless, as if your life has no meaning and as if there is no point in trying because you will only fail and as if there is nothing to look forward to - it's a deception. You are stuck in a cycle. It's like being in a black pit isn't it? And you are so very tired. But what you need to do now, and posting here was a good first step, is to start to lift your head up and look out of the black pit. Forget about the blackness that surrounds you for a moment - look up towards what could be, might be, may be.

Think about your values. Write some things down, as previously suggested. Firstly, are you introverted or extroverted? That is to say - when you are feeling well (or not too bad) do you feel refreshed by time alone, or refreshed by being with others? This is important. Once you realise which you are, pursue it. Either carve out time to be alone, or make time to spend with friends and family. This is important. It will nourish you.

Get yourself to your doctor. If you do not have a doctor, or do not like your current doctor, go to a new one. Do you prefer talking to men or women? Choose a doctor of your preferred gender and explain you have been depressed and could they recommend a course of action and/or some antidepressants. If you are not sleeping, ask about a short course of sleeping tablets to help you. Or maybe have a hot whisky before bed.

What are the biggest problems that are overwhelming you?

If you are in debt, it is time to talk to http://www.mabs.ie/ to get the debt managed, or get down to the Credit Union and ask for a consolidating loan to cover your debts. Or perhaps parents or relatives could help with this.

If you hate your job, start looking for another one. Re-write your CV. For every fifty NOs you get, you might get one YES. And that one YES could be just what you need.

If you have failed your own expectations in your education, think hard about what you would like to achieve. Maybe you wish you had done engineering, or music? It is time to think about that now. Look at courses available, student loans, support systems. I never thought it would be financially possible for me to do research, and it has taken time for me to get here, but here I am, up to my eyes in credit union debt, working a boring day job and studying away in my own time.

If you have failed in your relationships and friendships (as we all do to some degree) then counselling really is something to consider. I went through six months of counselling myself and found it a completely freeing experience. The old Oprah-ism of needing to love yourself before you can truly love others is actually true. Getting to like your own company will mean that you've always got one person to be with that you are happy with - yourself!

What I am trying to demonstrate is that your problems can be addressed, but you have to start looking up out of your black pit. Allow yourself to imagine a happy life - what would it look like?? Then go after it. Try to remember that when you are at rock bottom...the only way is up. You can't really get down any lower.

If you would like any numbers for counselling etc., please feel free to PM me. Good luck. Don't kill yourself. That would suck for everyone.

Z

Why not pack your stuff up.
Dublin is as depressing as anywhere can be.
Move out to a less populated small town and get a new job, in a bar, on sites, anywhere. Its very easy to find a job and a new life with real friends and so forth.

lifeless

lifeless wrote:

..
Without getting into details I have alot of problems

No you don't.
Whats the worst that can happen if you just ditch whats bugging you?

Move from wherever you are(to a new town maybe) and start fresh.
Get a new job however small it may be where you will be around people.
Make casual conversation and smile and laugh as much as possible.
Treat your problems as meaningless because thats exactly what they are.
You are you.
All you need is anything that makes you happy.
Dump the rest regardless of what or who it is.

Start right now-switch off the pc.

Let us know how you get on! (which I realise will entail switching a pc back on again but somewhere else )

neuro-praxis

Tristrame I have to disagree. You can only pretend your problems don't exist for so long. Pretending he has no problems has probably gotten the OP to the point he's at now.

Addressing the problems is probably the way to go.

Moss

If a guy is feeling suicidal that in itself is a serious problem. Its not insurmountable but it certainly needs to be tackled.

Some posters have recommended the OP make some life changing decisions like 'get another job' or 'move house' and stuff like that. This may not be the best advice. It is not the time to make life changing decisions when you are in a bout of depression. The OP should talk to a counsellor before doing anything too radical.
The best advice is already there: GP, counsellor, therapist, professional help.

neuro-praxis

neuro-praxis wrote:

Tristrame I have to disagree. You can only pretend your problems don't exist for so long. Pretending he has no problems has probably gotten the OP to the point he's at now.

Addressing the problems is probably the way to go.

I didn't say pretend they don't exist,I said ditch them altogether and move on.
Create new situations, a new life.
I doubt the op has been pretending he has no problems-the problems are the issue.
Just get rid of them ,ditch them whatever they are,they are meaningless.
Living is the best gift anyone has.Throw away all the useless self analysis and only tag on the positive and what makes you happy.
It's not too late to go on a free (ish) holiday even.
Go visit some friends or depart on your own and see who you meet.

All the negative self analysis in the world is a waste of time ,just concentrate on the positive.

b3t4

Hi Tristrame,

I know you mean well but what you are asking the OP to do is a huge undertaking for the majority of people not to mind someone who's feeling so down. Small steps is about all you can manage when feeling so down about things.

A small step is to post on here. The next small step is to speak with a GP. The next step after that is to head to a consellor and so on until you can face the idea of doing anything as major as upping sticks and moving.

Also, when someone is in such a negative spiral it's very hard to see anything positive. The clouds have to clear a little first and this can be done by seeking help from others.

A

LegacyUser

neuro-praxis wrote:

What are the biggest problems that are overwhelming you?

I don't know where to start. Sometimes I don't even know why I am so down. Its like when the sun is shining, the birds are singing, kids are playing, people are laughing, talking etc. Yet I am walking through all this like I am a ghost. I don't enjoy any of it. I feel seperate to all this. Almost invisible.

I don't even have the energy to engage in conversation. I just sit there and mutter the odd response. To make things worse I am getting alot of hassle from my totally crazy boss who is saying alot of ridulous stuff to me and accusing me of all sorts of unproffessional behaviour. None if it is true and I am aware of that as is my colleague but I just sit there taking it.

spinandscribble

DONT TAKE IT. dont take any more crap. you cut out whats bad for you right now. you have enough on your plate without some crazy boss on your back

LegacyUser

'

spinandscribble wrote:

DONT TAKE IT. dont take any more crap. you cut out whats bad for you right now. you have enough on your plate without some crazy boss on your back

Yea I really don't need this now. I can't just walk out though. I don't have another job lined up and I know that if I just walk out I wont have the energy, motivation or confidence for the whole jobseeking thing. I will just stay in bed. But I do need to get out of there before things get nasty.'

Esel

Go to a psychiatric hospital (or at least a general hospital - they will have a psychiatric registrar).

Tell them you have had an almost uncontrollable urge to take your own life, and that you have been close to doing so. Tell them about the train, and the feelings you had then.

If you can post here about it (and it's great that you have), you should also be able to talk to or e-mail the Samaritans. They won't tell you what to do or not do, but they will listen and allow you to talk.

You know that your thinking has become unbalanced, and you need to get help. It is there for you. Please ask for it.

I hope that the time will come when you will be able to look back at this horrible phase in your life and realise how glad you are that you did not end your own life and bring unimaginable sadness and grief to your family and friends.

At the very least, go to your GP (or any GP!), tell them you are ill, get a cert for work - so you don't have to face that train when you are feeling like this.

Please.

nobodythere

Keep talking to us if you can't talk to anyone else and don't give up.

I know it's hard but many people have been through it and come out the other side, myself included.

democrates

So a high level summary is, fundamental emotional needs remain unfulfilled, none of your major goals in life have been achieved on the contrary you've suffered serious setbacks, your life is a colossal knot of thorny intertwined dilemmas, an unsolvable mess getting worse and worse by the day, your mood is locked to that anchor plummeting to murkier depths, and the only light at the end of the tunnel is that of an oncoming feickin TRAIN!!! By jesus wept on a stick.

I agree, you're not going to miraculously solve all problems overnight, not unless you have one of those epiphanies some people talk about, but KNOW THIS - you can change the direction from gradually going down to gradually going up. It's not about gigantic changes, you're in no position to contemplate that, it would be like expecting a homeless alcoholic to spontaneously start a business on a random day. But with very small changes, you can reverse the trend and eventually go anywhere, you can do this, and I'll help you.

This is a one step at a time, one day at a time deal. Right now each problem makes the others worse. You tell yourself "the solution to X is obviously Y but I can't possibly do that because of all the other problems dragging me down, there's no point in trying, it's useless".

This inner dialogue is called 'self talk', and it is extremely effective. So much so that it tends to be a self fulfilling prophecy. The kind of self talk you're experiencing is guaranteed to allow the problems to continue to gnaw at you like a plague of bubonic rats and get worse and worse. This downward spiral could have been triggered by circumstances beyond your control - bad sh1t happens, and you say bad sh1t happens to me, so you reduce efforts ever so slightly and less good happens, you also make a bit less effort overcoming bad stuff, and you respond to the diminished results the same way. Bit by bit you're going down, down, down, it gets into a vicious circle, but it can be reversed.

You have tenacity, going into work day after day for years despite the pressures, I know you can do the following with half the effort. The first answer here is 'self talk interrupt' or STI. Brand that on your brain, tatoo it on your arm if necessary, just get it on instant recall. When you find yourself thinking it's all hopeless, catch yourself right there, interrupt, and substitute better thoughts. Bear with me I know that sounds over-simplistic. It's a simple skill really as you'll see, not rocket science, just keep practising paying attention to the thoughts popping into your head and the feelings you're having, then crucially, interrupt that and change the self talk from sh1t to beautiful. That's just tenacity, not atomic energy.

Exercise 1.
Forget everything else in the entire universe and picture this version of your future, kick the treasonous sceptical scumdog thoughts and imagine it's real, feel it, just, go with it, give yourself that much for a smidgen, you're not solving any big problem in the next minute anyway so clear the decks and let it lash:
====
Saturday morning 14th July 2012 in your kitchen. The pendulum swings gently on the blue bird clock on the honey tiled wall, Ace of Base play "All That She Wants" on Q102 in the background. Total nostalgia. Your partner smiles at you, stares into your eyes for a few seconds, then moves in and gives you a big hug and slow sensual kiss, lickable salty from the hickory rashers you've both had for breakfast. Feel those moist warm lips on yours, hungry tongue, and loving arms around you caressing, soak it all in, the raw desire is palpable. But you are being teased big time, tantric city, there'll be no naughty business, for now. Yet you take it in your stride, patient and all, every dog has his day.

Your kids are playing in the back garden laughing their hearts out in the sunshine, and when you step out the patio door chuckling at their frantic antics, they run straight to you and grab onto your legs looking up at you shouting "Yaaaaaaay!", then the excitement, laughs, and screams of delight as you push them "higher!" on the big blue swing. Later that evening you read them a fairytale from a colourfully illustrated hardback until they fall asleep in your arms - the absolute dotes. No surprise you're hearing the Andrews Sisters singing "Mr. Sandman" in your head as you tuck them into bed and kiss their little petal heads good night and sweet dreams.

You navigate the damn assault course of squeaky toys on your way to the comfy living room sofa where your better half awaits with your favourite beverage, the best playlist of romantic music in history man and an open fire setting the atmosphere. Oh, the sultry looks and smoochin were on the cards, it's been building up since this morning, and then, as "Je t'aime" plays you listen and melt, and while you're immersed in the tenderness, you recieve a surprise all out attack of raw passion, you instinctively erupt with pent up animal passion yourself, and it's still not enough, you're both almost crying because you can't get the infinite love accross enough.

Take it wherever you want from there but don't wake the kids with the mad racket or have the freaked out neighbours calling the cops, stay with the love and, your dream life to the sound of je t'aime....
====

There's no way you'll feel that to full depth right now, and segregate the despair in your response. People who know pain often cry at their own 'happy occasions'. For some it's like judgement day and they are finally being vindicated as good people deserving of a happy life, for others the contrast is too overwhelming between what they are pretending to be and how they really are.

You can't completely experience anything good while the reservoir of hurt is there, and it doesn't vanish at the mere presence of happy thoughts. Not even laughing at jokes is complete, and it can't be, because you're split into the could be great you and the doomsday you, so you can't operate as a full person in any sphere or mood. The exorcism of negativity will take time, but you can do it.

If you felt a bit good for a minute, you can feel good for ten, for an hour, for a day, a week, a month, the rest of your life. Not by living in the fantasy of imagined ecstacy, but because you have reconnected with a smidgen of what it feels like to have robust core contentment, and a taste of the true hapiness that can only soar from that foundation.

So for now nurture your buried skill, at any time you can choose to feel good instead of bad, you can by that tiny mechanism STI, avert the trend of bad to worse, and convert it to a trend of bad to ok to better to great. No law of physics or God bars you from this happy life, demand it, reject the horrors of this pit you have fallen into and claim your birthright, start strolling out of the quagmire and up to the higher ground.

I've tons more to post (or PM if you want), but before getting on to the tangible issues it makes sense if you get back with your experience with exercise 1 first, what happened for you there? Did you get am inkling that you might actually be able to go another way? Or could you feel nothing? The only difference your answer makes is to identify the best trail from here, so no right or wrong pressure, just the honest truth of where you're at right now.

The very best of luck, D.

folkface

lifeless wrote:

'

Yea I really don't need this now. I can't just walk out though. I don't have another job lined up and I know that if I just walk out I wont have the energy, motivation or confidence for the whole jobseeking thing. I will just stay in bed. But I do need to get out of there before things get nasty.'

Hey OP,

How are you feeling today? You have to take this one day at a time...
Just want to let you know their are people out here that do care about you -
even if we don't know you that well, but i feel you've shared a lot more with us than any person.
Have you tried getting help? Talking to your boss?

Hang in there, you can beat this.

x Purple Pawprints x

dame wrote:

Alcohol is a depressant, and yes, it will make you feel worse.


OP, go to your doctor. You need medication and a little while off work to tackle how you feel.

Once you are calmer and can think about things I would suggest you find a different job or a training course to take you in a new direction. You're worn down by the same old thing day in day out with a commute on top of it. If your job doesn't make you feel interested and looking forward to your day then it is time to change it.

Yes I agree, dame. OP, a GP visit would do you no harm whatsoever. Just think about it. You realise that you have a problem and the first step to fixing it is admitting you have it. Will be thinking of you and really hope things improve for you. *sending virtual hugs*

- J

Moss

lifeless, I really think you need to sit down and talk to a professional face-to-face. While advice off the internet can be useful there really isn't a substitute for the support you will get from a good counsellor. You should be meeting someone once a week and talking about your problems. We can't give you a diagnosis but it is obvious from what you have been writing that you're mood is seriously low. Talk to a counsellor about 1) How you are feeling, 2) when did you start to feel this way, 3) what might have been the trigger for this episode of low mood, 4) what is keeping you depressed now, 5) what can you do to start feeling better about yourself.

You may have fallen into a pattern of very negative thinking about yourself and your life that is hard to come out of without help. Cognitive behavioural psychotherapy deals with that. People who get depressed are usually way too hard on themselves, judge themselves very harshly and demand unreasonable standards of themselves without even thinking about it. I'm sure you are a decent guy, you don't deserve to be depressed. You can get out of this.

LegacyUser

'Do not throw yourself in front of a train, all you are doing is transferring your depression to another person. Imagine the impact that would have on the life of the driver who killed you and his family. Also it would be one horrible messy death, needless to say it would be a closed casket funeral.

Don't kill yourself, at least try to address your problems and you'll probably discover the path your life is meant to take you.

Good luck.'

LegacyUser

'Thanks for your messages of support. Especially Democrates, you put alot of effort in.

I gave my notice in work. Kinda glad and kinda scared.

I wont be throwing myself in front of train so don't worry. I have had to stand on that platform every morning but I take a step back when it comes in.

I just feel so rotton and unbelievably tired for no reason. I think I'd need to be dragged physically do doctor to be honest.

Thanks again. sorry'

lifeless

lifeless wrote:

..I was watching the train coming in this morning and all I wanted to do was leap in front of the train. To be honest its been like that for a week or so. I even noticed the train driver looking anxiously at me the other morning as I was standing very close to the edge. I couldn't do it in front of all those people, could I?

Besides the obvious here you should also think of the trauma the driver would suffer as a result.

lifeless wrote:

Without getting into details I have alot of problems that just seem to keep mounting up. I can't take it anymore. I am exhausted with the constant sadness, lonliness, irrirability, anxiousness, nervousness and anger. I feel so lost and empty and its been like that for years.

Try to focus on resolving the ones that truly matter and letting go the things that dont. I dont know what your problems are but u need to get rid of the ones u can control. For example, if your job is causing anxiety etc for you, quit. Then u can focus on the more important problems with less weight on your shoulders.

lifeless wrote:

Jusrst about every part of my life is a total and utter disaster and failure from my job and education to my daily life and my love life. Love life? I am 30 and never been in love, well nothing other than unrequited.

Your education, job and other people do not define who YOU are. You are better than any piece of paper saying the word degree, you are better than any job description or any girl. Dont ever think otherwise. I had to repeat my leaving cert and didnt get the great degree i wanted but besides maybe earning potential, what does that really mean in the great scheme of thing? Shag all... I am who I am. You are who u are. Dont let other people get u down man.

lifeless wrote:

I am not sure why I am posting this here. I know the responses already, "see a councellor", "go to your doctor", "talk to a a friend". Its all bull****. I can't bring myself to do any of this. I am close to nobody and could never discuss it.

U are posting this here cos u need to get something out of you. Talking to people does this.I know how hard this is myself but believe me, its incredibly therapeutic and beneficial. It took me a long time to open up about my problem (i wasnt suicidal, but i had severe panic attacks and an anxiety disorder) but I found that venting your frustrations to someone who will genuinely listen does make u feel better. Talk to a family member or a friend, and dont hold back,dont be afraid or embarrassed to cry or anything else, its natural and you will feel better afterwards.

lifeless wrote:

I was going to end it all a couple weeks ago but a situation happened between me and a friend and I knew if I did that person may think they had something to do with it. So now I am going to have to put up with this agony a while longer. How much longer I don't know. I used to be able to live with it and smile when it was needed but I can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted.

Man, dont do it. I know its easy to say but u gotta think positively. BELIEVE that life will get better. Try and force yourself to do something that u normally dont do to break the monotony of life. Quit your job and go travelling. Theres a big bad world out there and lots of people to meet. Just cos u have not met the right people where u are now. There are places to see, things to do, experience life, dont give up mate.

lifeless

lifeless wrote:

'Thanks for your messages of support. Especially Democrates, you put alot of effort in.

I gave my notice in work. Kinda glad and kinda scared.

I wont be throwing myself in front of train so don't worry. I have had to stand on that platform every morning but I take a step back when it comes in.

I just feel so rotton and unbelievably tired for no reason. I think I'd need to be dragged physically do doctor to be honest.

Thanks again. sorry'

Sorry I didnt actually read all the responses before i posted mine there. ill leave it there on the off chance that its of any use to you. Seems like u were given good advice already. Hope it all works out for u buddy.

As for quitting, fair play.The fear u feel is excitement manifesting itself because u are stepping into the unknown,its healthy to feel that. U have done something amazing here, u took a big step. A lot of people are too scraed to quit the job they hate and chase something else more meaningful. U should be very proud.

dame

lifeless wrote:

'Thanks for your messages of support. Especially Democrates, you put alot of effort in.

I gave my notice in work. Kinda glad and kinda scared.

I wont be throwing myself in front of train so don't worry. I have had to stand on that platform every morning but I take a step back when it comes in.

I just feel so rotton and unbelievably tired for no reason. I think I'd need to be dragged physically do doctor to be honest.

Thanks again. sorry'

Congratulations, you've just taken a step towards a happier future! It is bound to be scary. I'm working out my notice at the moment. I knew I couldn't stay where I was either.

The next step is to see a doctor. It's your own choice but personally I would tell someone and ask them to make an appointment for you and go with you. You can tell them as much or as little as you like and they can wait outside or come in with you, whichever you want. I can understand that you feel you haven't the energy to go yourself right now.

Well done once again. Things will get better from here on.

frobisher

Hey lifeless (hopefully that name won't be suitable for too much longer!). How are you doing?

LegacyUser

frobisher wrote:

Hey lifeless (hopefully that name won't be suitable for too much longer!). How are you doing?

Am not too bad. Sitting in front of this bloody pc since 7am. Trying to work up the energy to get dressed and go out somewhere.

Marksie

lifeless wrote:

Am not too bad. Sitting in front of this bloody pc since 7am. Trying to work up the energy to get dressed and go out somewhere.

That doesnt help and sitting in front of a pC can definitely eat time up and you feel ilke you have done nothing.
try getting out of the house for at least 30 minutes a day, even if its just walking to the shops.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote:

That doesnt help and sitting in front of a pC can definitely eat time up and you feel ilke you have done nothing.
try getting out of the house for at least 30 minutes a day, even if its just walking to the shops.

Yea, I am going to go for a drive. I've been 10 hours staring at this screen now. It just took me 5 hours to work up the motivation to shower and dress! How pathetic am I?

The_Hustler

To be honest I'm not dressed or anything, I'm a real lazy bastard at the weekend!

DJ WIPEOUT

Lifeless,

Every human being breathes life so you're not lifeless. The events within a human being's life tests their existence but no more.

Even when every last ounce has been beaten out of a human being in a fight there's still a glimmer of life that remains.

Take up a martial art to find your soul, train your mind and build your confidence. The stronger you are physically and mentally the easier it will be to take what life throws at you!

Some of the world's greatest people have risen from the depths of depravity to become so strong that others cannot understand where they have come from but you will one day.

democrates

lifeless wrote:

Yea, I am going to go for a drive. I've been 10 hours staring at this screen now. It just took me 5 hours to work up the motivation to shower and dress! How pathetic am I?

Don't be so hard on yourself, that near paralysis is par for the course when you're feeling down.

Considering Maslows hierarchy of needs it's not surprising that we can feel our life is in a catch-22. Confidence is low due to a lack of intimacy, intimacy seems unachievable due to low confidence (though you never know what's around the corner). That's no.1 on your list and other problems feel like thorns in your side which you'd easily deal with if you were in a healthy loving relationship.

We generally tend to be stuck on solutions that we're only likely to achieve when we're in good form. Put all that on the backburner for now. Recalibrate your self-scoring system. Zero is checking out. Survival is a pass, anything more is an honour. Getting back to your full potential will be a distinction.

Divide your goals into near, medium, and long term. Take it in steps you are comfortable with and score every one. Just doing what's manageable on a day to day basis will get you there, but this "what I really need to do is x" is pointless thinking if you're actually in no mood to go beyond y, in which case y is obviously the right answer for today.

Every day is a page in the book of your life. They all start out blank. While a problem ignored is not a problem solved, it doesn't serve you well to start every single day by scooping up a pile of sh1tty issues from previous pages and slapping them down as the start for today. Sure that'd p155 you off straight away.

You can deal with big issues when you're feeling "top of the world ma!". For now allow yourself to start each day with a blank page, just focus on the simple stuff and let yourself get a feelgood factor from each one, it'll build up over time and you'll be pleasantly surprised at your progress. Keep the happy future in mind as the motivation each day.

Some days will be better than others, but so what. If you find a way of catching yourself and regrouping you'll get past it, boards is still here, the door is always open. Don't feel you can't put your hand up here again just because our answers didn't work, even professionals won't take it personally or judge you badly if you don't make instant progress. Of course if there is a miracle overnight let us know, someone could cash in big time

Keep the faith.

LegacyUser

democrates wrote:

Divide your goals into near, medium, and long term. Take it in steps you are comfortable with and score every one. Just doing what's manageable on a day to day basis will get you there, but this "what I really need to do is x" is pointless thinking if you're actually in no mood to go beyond y, in which case y is obviously the right answer for today.

Every day is a page in the book of your life. They all start out blank. While a problem ignored is not a problem solved, it doesn't serve you well to start every single day by scooping up a pile of sh1tty issues from previous pages and slapping them down as the start for today. Sure that'd p155 you off straight away.

Thank you for your advice. You are very wise. I will try and keep to it. I have to re-read these posts a few times as concentration and memory are virtually non existent these days!

An example of how numb I am feeling lately my dads sister died recently and I felt nothing. Obviously my dad was upset and needed me but I was just an empty shell.

Also, this girl has been smiling and saying hello to me lately which would have sent my heart racing years ago and have me constantly thinking of her but now I struggle to return a smile.

lifeless, you should try to return a smile and instigate coverstaion. It may be difficult at first but u only get out of life what u put into it so make the effort and u never know, your love life could become very exciting........one step at a time buddy. Ur doin well, even if u dont feel it so far.