Help defeat shallow hal

LegacyUser

I'm a shallow person. I'm self involved. I'm selfish.
I'm going through a period of self observation at the moment, and I've come up with that understanding of who I am. I'm not proud of this, and I feel it might be the cause of my unhappiness and loneliness. What can I do to change this? I'm in my late twenties, and am afraid I mightn't be able to change...
That's the crux of my problem, so you needn't read the rest if you don't want. For those helpful and concerned Boardsies that want more background (sorry this could be long):
I'm pretty sure nobody knows this or notices this as I'm very good at concealing things. As a younger person, I had to fend for myself early on in a hard environment (I'd rather not get into this). On the outside, this created the confident and assertive man I am today. But this also created the social chameleon; the slippy snake; the child desperately seeking recognition and acceptance.
I'm ok looking - no Brad Pitt, but for what I lack in looks, I more than compensate for in personality. I'm a sociable character, and I've more friends than you can wave a stick at. People enjoy my company; I make them laugh; I make them comfortable. I humour, and charm.
I've a very successful career. I've a beautiful 2 bed in the city centre. I can pretty much afford anything I want. I wanted to be paid more than my friends. So although I'm not that good at what I do, I connived and cajoled and I got the position I'm in now. I am about 10-15 years ahead of where I should be on the career ladder.
I wanted my own place, but I refused to buy a place unless it was city centre and new. I wanted a show piece and I got it.
I need a beautiful girl. A stunner. I don't know why, but I need for everyone to think "wow, she's amazing". I wish this wasn't true, but it is. In the last few years I've dated a good few good looking girls. Sound girls. Really cool girls. But I left them (good riddance for them they deserve way better than me) because I didn't feel the same way I didn't fall for them. That being said, I hardly gave them a chance, but I always give the stunners a chance. I guess it's only a matter of time before I bump into the beautiful money grabber that will play me. I know it's tragic but that's all I can see happening now.
I'm miserable, and I feel terribly alone. I drink alot (I have a few different social circle which allow my to go out anytime, and I've the funds to do it), because it keeps me busy. I guess I don't like being on my own. I'd love to meet a girl I love who loves me, but for some reason any girl that falls for me, I can't love. I just don't fall for them. Why am I so shallow? I never want to become this person. And how do I fix this mess? How do I fix me?
Thanks for your patience.

geuro

hi op

...sounds like you're feeling pretty down about things. But maybe you're being a little harsh on yourself. Everybody is self obsessed, everybody is selfish to some degree. Everybody wants to be successful, and if they can afford it everybody wants to have a nice place to live. Every guy i know wants to have a hot girlfriend. Everybody is shallow, everybody behaves in a way that will achieve social recognition and approval, coupled with instinct thats the basis of all human developmental behaviour.

Just because you can project an air of confidence in the workplace and to your friends doesn't make you a confident person. Just because you have a nice place and plenty of money doesn't mean you have been successful. You are not as confident as you pretend. You are uncertain and worried. You are insecure and lonely. You seem to have reached a point in your life where you have taken a step back and tried to redefine what is important to you. Clearly you feel like you have been too focused on things like career, external beauty, image, etc.

But maybe things are not so bad. The first step is to realise what is going wrong in your life, and you seem to have taken that step already. So just try to remember this as you move forward, try to consciously decide whether or not things are going to make your life improve. You're not in a hard environment any more so try and chill out a bit and share what you've got with someone you care about

dodgyme

Both you and i know it is down to the bit where you said you would rather not go into it. Its your background matey.

ShowUsYourXbox

So you've got high standards, what's the problem? Sounds like you've done well to live by them so far.

Glowing

Theres absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards, but I think there is a problem with dumping sound, cool girls just because they're not good looking enough to show off to your mates?

Stop worrying about what other people think so much.

LegacyUser

dodgyme wrote:

Both you and i know it is down to the bit where you said you would rather not go into it. Its your background matey.

I don't believe it is. I just don't want people to identify me.

@ShowUsYourXbox: we'll they have got me to here. Here I am lonely. Here I am unhappy. Here I can't find love. What use is that?

@geuro: I acknowledge everyone is to an extent, but I feel for me it's all there is. I don't see anything else. I feel I've become this one type of person I never wanted to be. To be driven by the basest of needs. It's vanity plain and simple, and this vanity isn't bringing me happiness. I'm also afriad of the corruption it may be causeing.

hullaballoo

Sounds like you're insecure to me.

LegacyUser

Glowing wrote:

...but I think there is a problem with dumping sound, cool girls just because they're not good looking enough to show off to your mates?
Stop worrying about what other people think so much.

How? It's like an instinct. I want to, but I don't know how to help myself.

Sleepy

OP: a recommendation - do some volunteer work. I started volunteering with Childline in February and it's been a dose of chicken soup for the soul.

Offalycool

U will learn to be happy someday. Just try to be a good guy, for yourself. It’s the most you can expect from yourself. I think talking to someone would be a good idea, a counsellor maybe. + you could try to get involved in something outside yourself, charity work of some sort. You may find it’s not that hard to be selfless.

The Corinthian

If you're worried that you're overly self obsessed, I suggest you browse this forum for a bit and it'll probably put things in perspective.

smiley666

Dear Op,

Your not shallow at all, there’s a very good explanation for the problem that you have. However in order to overcome it you have to deal with your childhood experiences.

Why did you not want to go into details about them? Was it an inappropriate time / place when you were writing the post? Or does the memory of them still hurt you too much?

Your past is most likely the key to your difficulties. At some stage you may have learnt not to trust those close to you. That can happen to children who are reared in an environment which is ‘less than healthy.’ This would explain your inability to allow yourself to fall in love (even though you say you want to). It sounds like you have conditioned yourself to keep people at a distance because there they can not hurt you. It’s a defence mechanism that whilst you may have needed as a child you certainly do not need now.

Going out drinking is not the only alternative to being alone. As someone has already stated, do some voluntary work with an organisation. Find one that suits you and it will be such a rewarding experience.
By the sounds of things you seem to have every other aspect of your life well in order.

Google ‘adult attachment disorder’. You may have a mild form of it.

If it is too traumatic to work on your childhood experiences yourself seek professional help.

To answer your question…….Of course you can change. Acknowledging the problem is the first step, seeking help for it is the second so congratulations, you are well on the road to fixing the ‘mess’ as you call it.

funkrooney

Hey shallow,

I know the feeling dude, can be with a gorgeous, funny kind girl but walking down the road you think,

What did that person that just walk by me think of me, and more importantly what does the girl I am with say about me??

Do you come from a very successful background, Dad is a hotshot and anything he does he is damn good at, mum is a trophy wife??

Have you gotten that ability to manipulate a situation, a person and leave an indelible mark on them, and it sorta makes you feel great for a few minutes, then not really remorseful even though you should be until a lot lot later on........

I have all these things in my life, I try to figure them out day by day, but I would recommend the counselling thing, as I am sure yoy already know the beautiful ones, are rarely really beautiful,

Throw up a reply cos I am going through the same ****, well some of it and I'd love to see how you get on......

edanto

Hey there Hal,

I think you're well on the way to sorting it out. The hard bit, the bit that a lot of busy sad people don't seem to do, you've done. That's the bit where you reflect and become more honest about what you want and what you don't want.

You're not happy with your shallow life, so give it a bit more depth. What things make you feel good? Do you want to travel, read, walk, talk, visit or volunteer more? What do you need in your life? Fill your real needs and the stuff you think you need, like a sexy gf, will just fall into your hands.

Good luck, and I think you're half way there.

patrickolee

dodgyme wrote:

Both you and i know it is down to the bit where you said you would rather not go into it. Its your background matey.

QFT

LegacyUser

smiley666 wrote:

Why did you not want to go into details about them? Was it an inappropriate time / place when you were writing the post? Or does the memory of them still hurt you too much?

I don't want to go into it because I feel I'll be easily identified if I do. They don't hurt me now, at least not directly.

Your past is most likely the key to your difficulties. At some stage you may have learnt not to trust those close to you.

This has been a problem for me, but in later life. A live-in partner who I loved very much left me, which took some time to get over.

That can happen to children who are reared in an environment which is ‘less than healthy.’ This would explain your inability to allow yourself to fall in love (even though you say you want to). It sounds like you have conditioned yourself to keep people at a distance because there they can not hurt you. It’s a defence mechanism that whilst you may have needed as a child you certainly do not need now.

I was bullied at an early age in an environment I couldn't escape from, so I learned to stand up for myself. This was only for about 1/2 a year. Once I learned to stand up for myself, I developed the skills to manipulate my peers to such an extent that to bully me would cause rejection fo the bullier. In a sense I became a "made" man (for want of a better expression). In turn I bullied to secure my position. This is something I dreadfully regret, and live with that guilt shamefully.

... do some voluntary work with an organisation.

This is a good idea. I will look into this. I believe it could be an out for me

you are well on the road to fixing the ‘mess’ as you call it.

I hope so.

funkrooney wrote:

Do you come from a very successful background, Dad is a hotshot and anything he does he is damn good at, mum is a trophy wife??

Not really. Granted my dad was successful, but nothing out of the ordinary. My mum wasn't a trophy wife in the common terms. ...but I hasten to add she was an amazing woman.

Have you gotten that ability to manipulate a situation, a person and leave an indelible mark on them, and it sorta makes you feel great for a few minutes, then not really remorseful even though you should be until a lot lot later on........

I can, but I feel nothing doing it. Neither happy or sad; proud or guilty.

Throw up a reply cos I am going through the same ****, well some of it and I'd love to see how you get on......

CHeers buddy. Sorry to hear you are in the same boat. I'll keep posting here, as I don't really want to go to councilling (i see it as a defeat, a failure - I don't know why but I do, welcome to my world).

Marksie

Shallow wrote:

I'll keep posting here, as I don't really want to go to councilling (i see it as a defeat, a failure - I don't know why but I do, welcome to my world).

Its your own peerception OP. It is no failure to know that someone with the right experience can help you.

smiley666

Op: Not going for counselling is completely your choice. What works for one person won’t necessarily work for another.

With regards being a bully. It’s not a good idea to continue living with that guilt or shame. Especially from incidences which occurred years ago. You need to let go of those negative feelings. Think about what you did and consider an action which you feel appropriate to forgive yourself.

Do you still know the people you bullied? Could you apologise to them. It is possible that they are also hurting because of your actions. Just maybe an explanation and apology on your behalf may benefit both of you.

If the above is not possible make a conscious effort to do at least one positive action every day. Go out of your way to do something for somebody that you would not ordinarily do. Consider these actions as a pay off. Keep a note of them and when you are feeling low, look back over them. It will be a reminder that whilst you may at times have acted terribly towards people, you are now making a conscious effort to put things right. You can not change what you have done in the past but you can certainly allow it to shape the person you become in the future.

You stated that you are lonely and unhappy. Do you like animals? You may not have one because you are living in an apartment but maybe you could take a dog from the local animal shelter for walks in the evening/weekends. Doing this would help shift the focus from yourself, your unhappiness and your loneliness. It may also help you recover from the hurt you experienced when your previous partner left. It is easy to bond with a pet as there are no conditions or expectations. My brother has a dog which he cares for like I do my children. Maybe opening up to an animal of some kind is the first step in allowing yourself to fall in love again.

As for the voluntary work please, please go ahead and do this. You may have to try a few different organisations before you find one that really suits you but believe me when you do it will most certainly be worth it. Not only will you feel good, you’ll meet a whole new circle of friends and who knows, you might even meet Mrs Shallow there. The very reason you looked for help on boards in the first place.

I wish you the best of luck in your search for love.

funkrooney

So how are you getting on now man?? Have you tried talking to your mum about it, or is she not around anymore.

I know what you mean about the being able to manipulate but feeling nothing for it, its a pain,

I would recommend the charity work too, I hav'nt done it myself but think its a good idea

LegacyUser

I went out with a guy like you over half a year ago. He's a real shallow hal also, wants to have loads, but doesn't seem to be loads, inside, you know. He wasn't very good looking and I guess he went out with people better looking then him to make himself feel better, but all this told me about him is that, like you maybe, he didn't love himself. I got this feeling before once when I was with him and he made a painful face, a reflection of internal pain not external, I'm sure. Anyway the whole point is if you wanta end up with a money grabbing person, it will as you say have been your choice and you will be signing the cheque to your own misery. True love does not ask for a display of monetary value (King Lear Anyone?!!) the sooner you and the guy I was seeing learns this the better, I learned it myself the hard way. The things I appreciate now are usually so small most other people don't notice them. When you reach this kind of appreciation of life, I think you have found true inner happiness and are on the road to finding true love G'luck

LegacyUser

'

funkrooney wrote:

Have you tried talking to your mum about it, or is she not around anymore.

no, it's not something I could talk to her about to be honest.

I know what you mean about the being able to manipulate but feeling nothing for it, its a pain,

...but that does't bother meat all, should it? I don't really use it to a negative ends.

Anonreply wrote:

Anyway the whole point is if you wanta end up with a money grabbing person, it will as you say have been your choice and you will be signing the cheque to your own misery. ,

...thats the whole poiny though, i don't want to be miserable, but i can't control who i fall for anymre than you can!

True love does not ask for a display of monetary value (King Lear Anyone?!!) the sooner you and the guy I was seeing learns this the better, I learned it myself the hard way.

...I think you've missed my point. I recognise this and I'm trying to change this, but HOW? How can i change what i've become? How do i fall for the pretty girls and be happy?

When you reach this kind of appreciation of life, I think you have found true inner happiness and are on the road to finding true love G'luck.

how do you change you instinct?'

LegacyUser

'

smiley666 wrote:

Do you still know the people you bullied? Could you apologise to them. It is possible that they are also hurting because of your actions. Just maybe an explanation and apology on your behalf may benefit both of you.

Agreed. Was bullied by someone down the road. Hated his guts, and wished death upon him daily. Found out that the other lad who bullied me, also bullied him. Explained why when the older lad left, the younger one stopped bullying me. Not so much forgiven, but at least now I know that there was a reason he bullied me. Likewise with you, and your victims. It may make you feel better.

Also, check out http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=383 Its the volunteer forum on boards.ie'

LegacyUser

Once a victim wrote:

Agreed. Was bullied by someone down the road. Hated his guts...

I'm met some of the people and apologised a long time ago. I stopped bullying later in school and tried to make ammends then. For one of the lads it was too soon. One is now a friend of mine. An amazing character. Another is friendly enough; he's excersied his deamons and moved on.

funkrooney

Hey man how are you getting on now??

Here ae some bullet points about the super sexy girl that is'nt that nice marriage that I have seen:

She or you will cheat on one another, becuase one if not both of you is an egomaniac, with one because of the others purely materialistic qualities, eg: She is hot makes you feel better. You are rich, affords her a quality of life not available elsewhere

If you have kids, it will be horrendous for them, as a kid from one of these relationships it is horrendous, (I was one sorta) the man is in a relentless pursuit of his money and success and nothing is ever enough, the wife becomes disheartened and looks elsewhere for solace, drinking, prescription pain killiers, other men, or all of the above.

Like I said I am going through this at the moment like you, I will meet a beautiful, wonderful girl and self destruct the relationship because of some trivial reason.........

I would look into doing the charity work,

Or at least try doing a few nice things for people that you would'nt normally do for people every now and again,

Eg: In work, offer to make someone else a coffee, or something tiny like that, but has to be something you normally would'nt do either...... And for no reason other than to be nice, NOT to get chatting to that little cutie in marketing

Keep posting and let me know how your getting on man,

LegacyUser

funkrooney wrote:

Hey man how are you getting on now??

Better today - thanks for asking.

Like I said I am going through this at the moment like you, I will meet a beautiful, wonderful girl and self destruct the relationship because of some trivial reason.........

Why do we do this?

Or at least try doing a few nice things for people that you would'nt normally do for people every now and again,

I generally do do good things when I can, although perhaps it's driven from guilt. I feel I owe it somehow.

And for no reason other than to be nice, NOT to get chatting to that little cutie in marketing

Damit!!! shudddduppp. Do you know me or something? you're on to me.

funkrooney

Do you also do the thing that if there is nothing in it for you, then you see no point in even entertaining a conversation with someone, unless it is for an extra manipulation something along these lines.........

"oh my god, funk is soooo nice (to all her hotter mates) he listened to me and was so understanding......." But the whole time just doing it so you can bag the other one?? If so, I could very easily be your brother OR possibly in my mind the competition

Ha ha yeh I do it too, the oh boll*x I'v done way too much bad stuff, I better balance this out......

I'm saying this stuff to try relate it back, so firstly you dont think your the only one, ya get me??

Now to try get it on track, I dunno, I met some people over the years that have helped me out, and I made a conscious decision to do it only quiete recently, and I gotta admit shallow, I feel amazing........

I am being nice to people just to be nice, trying to help people feel a little better, and in turn I do, and ya know the funny thing??? I have more options for women than I ever had..... Its mad!!!!

Why do I self destruct things????

I am a borderline egomaniac, if someone gets one up on me, and makes even the smallest impression, negatively, on me I will f*ck there stuff up, immensely

The reasons, ferocious insecurity and depression,

Do ya ever get depressed??

And I hope your feeling a bit better dude,

LegacyUser

'

funkrooney wrote:

Do you also do the thing that if there is nothing in it for you, then you see no point in even entertaining a conversation with someone, unless it is for an extra manipulation something along these lines.........

It depends on my mood really. Sometimes I think, "it's ok, I've enough friends", sometimes I really can't be bothered, and other times, I'll talk to anyone...

But the whole time just doing it so you can bag the other one?? If so, I could very easily be your brother OR possibly in my mind the competition

I think I catagorise people. Some girls/most girls I treat like this, and these are the ones I quickly loose interest in, others - the ones I fall for, (very very rarely) I listen intently etc, but there you have it.

i'm saying this stuff to try relate it back, so firstly you dont think your the only one, ya get me??

Cheers mate.

I am a borderline egomaniac, if someone gets one up on me, and makes even the smallest impression, negatively, on me I will f*ck there stuff up, immensely

Ok, this is me. If someone crosses me, I NEED to take them down.

The reasons, ferocious insecurity and depression,
Do ya ever get depressed??,

occasionally, but not that bad. It never concerned me, or was so bad it lead me to believe it was abnormal. Insecurity, probably. How do we fix it?

And I hope your feeling a bit better dude,

Cheers man. Thank you. So tell me, you said ou met people would helped and you have made changes. What have you done (do you mind me askin)? I'll going to start doing volunteer work,but I'm interested...'

funkrooney

The take them down approach, is it along these lines?? They do something that an independent person (very important) would consider a 3 out of ten in terms of harshness etc, you then do what the independent person would consider a 9, completely beyond what was necessary,

I do it, and it gives me a sense of achievement, that it stopped them in their tracks and will prevent other people from even considering crossing me.

I dont know why, but I have stopped doing it as best I can, the reason:

It makes everyone uncomfoprtable, people like me, and possibly you, give off an aura of confidence and that we wont be put down, people get it very very quickly, I told myself that I dont need to prove it anymore to them, and I dont need to f*ck there **** up so badly. I'v taken it down a number of levels now, but its always there.......

The insecurity is a bastard, like a major one.

BUT here is my fiorst suggestion, find someone, someone your close too, it does'nt matter if in the general sense of the word you are close, because I very rarely get that close to peopke and I try to avoid it, but tell them.

All the **** over the years of go talk to someone, open up, blah blah..... Never worked on me, you'v gotta decide to do it for yourself to do it, so cliched I know.

For people that I met, I gotta admit females are way better at keeping me on track. They tell me I'm a cocky twat etc, lads as I'm sure you know, think its brilliant...... "he shagged her, Jesus christ that lad is brilliant" But you can make it work dude, invest some time in a girl, one that is cool and a bit of fun, and you'l see the results,

All I can do is tell you what has worked for me...... Here are the bullet points,
(i) I openly told someone about how I felt, that I get rattled, frustrated and constantly wonder what people think of me..... That if I think that they are making fun of me, even of they are not, that I will want to crush them. This helps the other person understand you, and why you do things a bit better

(ii) I got involved with a girl, and from the get go was honest, yeh I did some cheeky mind tricks, BUT a lot lot less than I previously would of done in the past. This I feel is a huge step, so ok Yes I still did some, but I did a lot less and was much more honest. Its like a drinker, hey I still drank a bottle of vodka today, but last week I was drinking 3 bottles a day,

---

The reasons I did these things

---

When your scoring someone and always winning, always ahead its a vicious circle, they feel like they are losing you, you get the power so you continue doing what your doing, they get further and further behind...... As a result I get cockier and cockier, they get further and further behind and chase harder , I get cockier........ I feel like I'm great, they feel like ****, its not good or right and I dont do it anymore, or try my hardest

I hope ya get what I mean in my posts, but its gotta be done man,

I put in the little stories or narration to see if you cna relate, I have no and I mean no friends that are like me and I hav'nt met anyone that has similar traits really,

Keep posting up your replies, Your definitely helping me out I gotta admit, but if I'm not answering just say it and I will try be more clear,

Funk,

And as for the trophy wife thing, ha ha ha, I'v got a good one for ya on that I'l tell ya sometime, trust me dude its a bad bad idea

LegacyUser

'I'm in the same boat as ye lads and to add to it I also have ADD. My lifle is a bloody rollercoaster. I trying tremendously hard to achieve balance in my life. I also feel better much better about myself when im working on doing something to fix my insecurities. Then when I start to feel better about myself I completely forget about that and fall into a spiral. A couple of days or weeks later I'm back to square one trying to achieve balance and work on my insecurites.

Having ADD can be so enjoyable at times but equally the opposite. I can relate to ye. It's nice to know I'm not the only one in this situation. Luckily though I never feel the need to manipulate people but if I was out last night as I was and I didn't get the attention I wanted from a girl I can feel incredibly spiteful. When I went into work today and saw a girl who I don't particularily like though I have nothing against her I thought in my own mind "I hate that fuc**in bitch". I have not a bloody clue where that came from because I really don't hate her. I don't even dislike her that much. and that thought arrived with a repugent weird feeling I never felt before that shocked me. You can only think such things about others if you missing that self respect. But drink and any sort of drugs can make my hyperactive mind go into all sorts of new grounds.

I'm incredibly insecure though and care about what other people think so much.

I'm fantastic at putting up the confident front at times. Perhaps it's not a front the actually because there is a part of me that's extremely confident and self assured. I suppose sometimes for a short while your insecurites just dissapear and other times you can just put them to one side.

Actually, I'm probably alot different to ye, you know but I can relate to ye on some things. So there is people out there worse off than ye!'

Anna23

some men...wow!!!!

funkrooney

Very helpful post there Anna :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Everyone has problems, at least people are trying to sort the **** out!!!

LegacyUser

Anna23 wrote:

some men...wow!!!!

Thanks for that Anna. As opposed to Judgeing from your lofty high moral ground, care to help? No?

Anna23

Sorry about that, it reminds me of a guy I used to see last year around march, who actually broke up with me 1 day before my bday, slept with me and then said "oh I dont want you in my house anymore" obviously I wanted to know, what were the reasons....my age he said, ha ha ha I was 23 at the time and he was 31 or 32, BUT HEY, if its the age its the age, ha ha ha, I would have prefered if he would have told the truth!!! Probably I wasnt wearing the right shoes, gucci or prada cant remember which ones he liked, what an a s s!!!! Oh later on I found out that I wasnt his ex gfriend, who was a lawyer, just a simple account manager, he wanted more!! Thats just one example...trust me there is more

So I have met shallow men and all I have to say is .... "wow some men"!!!

LegacyUser

Anna23 wrote:

So I have met men like him and all I have to say is .... "wow some men"!!!

I'm sorry you have met someone similar to me. I don't quite know what to say, but I guess you'll agree you are far better off without him.
How can he change though? Would it make you any happier if you knew he was remorseful? ...or that this was causing him great unhappiness?

Anna23

Well theres nothing that I can help you with really! I am sure one day you will find the perfect girl, how about glenda gilson, I keep seeing her around Castleknock, always bumping into her when coming out of the local shop, so there u go, from what I know she is single....good looking, I am sure u would not be embarrassed to be seen with her!

Good luck

LegacyUser

Anna23 wrote:

Well theres nothing that I can help you with really! I am sure one day you will find the perfect girl, how about glenda gilson...
Good luck

Thanks Anna, thats helpful.

Maple

Anna23 wrote:

Well theres nothing that I can help you with really! I am sure one day you will find the perfect girl, how about glenda gilson, I keep seeing her around Castleknock, always bumping into her when coming out of the local shop, so there u go, from what I know she is single....good looking, I am sure u would not be embarrassed to be seen with her!

Good luck

Do not understand how such a facetious response can be of any help to the OP? Unlike your ex, this guy is aware of his shallow behavior and is looking to change.

OP, you have to let go of your past. Its choking your future. The voluntary work is a great idea as is the talking to a friend.

Maple

Anna23, Do not understand how such a facetious response can be of any help to the OP? Unlike your ex, this guy is aware of his shallow behavior and is looking to change. You recently started a thread about an issue you were having at work and were treated with respect, please afford the same to others who post.

OP, you have to let go of your past. Its choking your future. The voluntary work is a great idea as is the talking to a friend.

Anna23

Sorry shallow, but theres nothing that I can say to make u feel better, maybe I wish he was sorry for the way he broke up with me, but then again, maybe its better that way,I dont have to sit and listen to how much money he makes and how great at his job is, dont get me wrong, good for him, but after a while its so boooring!

I am sure that everyone is shallow, I am sure I am sometimes, I mean I like a certain type of men, pretty good looking, must have a flat and he must have a car, as I am sick of driving men around!!! messing

You cant help who you are attracted 2, so what if you are shallow, maybe you should think about what you are missing out on....

Funny enough I was just talking to a guy in work at lunch time, he just broke up with hi gfriend, anyway I was saying to him that I am so annoyed that I cant seem to get a boyfriend, to which he said "well men are really intimidated by beautiful girls" so I am actually looking for someone who can actually come up to me and say at least hi, I promise not to turn around and laugh!!!

Now that does not mean I am asking u to ask me out (even though it sounds like that) SORRY!

I dont know if it helps, men are funny sometimes, thats why at times I love a chase!

funkrooney

Wow so far we have figured out that Anna is beautiful, 23 years of age I guess from the name, and lives in Castleknock....... Immensely helpful stuff there Anna.....

(before you start a big longwinded reply I am only joking)

On a side note, I have a friend that met a guy out a while ago, she said he was priceless, spent most of the night taking the complete piss, but in a very very nice way out of peoples approach in nightclubs and bars etc.......Lauhing at the funny stuff we all do when out, She said he came over to a big group of them, bold as brass, and said to one of them that he had seen her having a cheeky glance and decided he would come over, she laughed was about to get smart and he stopped her in her gucci laden tracks but very nicely..........

So ANNA There are plenty of nice guys out there......

So shallow mate how are ya getting on?? Have ya started the charity work or volunteering or anything?? You could look at maybe taking up a humbling sport?? Nothing like getting a few slaps off a 12 year old black belt to teach you that ego's are often built on very poor foundations......

I am genuinely interested in this, and I am going through the same sorta stuff so I'd like know how or what your trying to progress, have you tried anything new??

Keep me posted man, I'm looking for a bit of happinness for ya here,

Maple

Anna23 wrote:

Sorry shallow, but theres nothing that I can say to make u feel better, maybe I wish he was sorry for the way he broke up with me, but then again, maybe its better that way,I dont have to sit and listen to how much money he makes and how great at his job is, dont get me wrong, good for him, but after a while its so boooring!

I am sure that everyone is shallow, I am sure I am sometimes, I mean I like a certain type of men, pretty good looking, must have a flat and he must have a car, as I am sick of driving men around!!! messing

You cant help who you are attracted 2, so what if you are shallow, maybe you should think about what you are missing out on....

Funny enough I was just talking to a guy in work at lunch time, he just broke up with hi gfriend, anyway I was saying to him that I am so annoyed that I cant seem to get a boyfriend, to which he said "well men are really intimidated by beautiful girls" so I am actually looking for someone who can actually come up to me and say at least hi, I promise not to turn around and laugh!!!
Now that does not mean I am asking u to ask me out (even though it sounds like that) SORRY!

I dont know if it helps, men are funny sometimes, thats why at times I love a chase!

how is any of this helpful to the OP?

Anna23

Maple I am not trying to help him at all.

And funkroony, I am actually 24. and I am sure there are plently of nice guys, I just havent met them yet!!!

I just hope that I wont be meeting anyone 2 shallow again!

Maple

Anna23 wrote:

Maple I am not trying to help him at all.

And funkroony, I am actually 24. and I am sure there are plently of nice guys, I just havent met them yet!!!

I just hope that I wont be meeting anyone 2 shallow again!

so you hijacked a thread to drivel on about your own issues and to boast about being attractive. yawn and snore. :rolleyes: how shallow are you? :rolleyes:

Anna23

no maple not really, what I was trying to do is show him, how he appears to other ppl, by saying a few things about me.maybe he reads it. I did give him an example of what happened to me, I am not trying to help him, just show him how some of "his victims" might feel!

so I will stop posting as I wouldnto want to pi ss u off even more!

Maple

Anna23 wrote:

no maple not really, what I was trying to do is show him, how he appears to other ppl, by saying a few things about me.maybe he reads it. I did give him an example of what happened to me, I am not trying to help him, just show him how some of "his victims" might feel!

so I will stop posting as I wouldnto want to pi ss u off even more!

the guy is looking for help, he's aware of how his behavior affects "his victims".

i don't see how facetious remarks about Glenda Gilson help? but enough about it, we're completely off topic.

Anna23

I agree with you maple! and I am not that shallow, I just have standars and theres nothing wrong with that, and I am sure he is the same!

and re Glenda I didnt say anything mean maple!

Marksie

Stay on topic, take it to Pm if you want to discuss between the two of you

regards
mark

LegacyUser

'

funkrooney wrote:

So shallow mate how are ya getting on?? Have ya started the charity work or volunteering or anything??

Same as buddy, but I'm not expecting anything to change in a hurry - I've felt like this for some time now. I've been out of town for a while so I haven't got around to anything yet, but the plan is to get involved this week.
Yea maybe a sport would be good. It would keep me occupied anyway.

funkrooney wrote:

Keep me posted man, I'm looking for a bit of happinness for ya here,

Cheers man, I appricate your good wishes.

...and thanks for your support Maple, it probably more than I deserve.'

Baby4

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Baby4 wrote:

This post has been deleted.

Hi Baby4, I understand the point you are making, but I do have a lot of real friends - people I know I could trust with pretty much anything; people I know are genuine and good; people who I could turn to if I needed to. (I also have a LOT of acquaintances). The funny thing is, I can't turn to these people. I won't let me. I guess I've been so busy for so long building this facade, I can't break it down.

Maybe I'm wrong, but what if you tried to get to know girls better, be their friends. Then, you might find you are really attracted to someone, even though she mightn't have model-looks, and you can't help but fancy them...

No, you are right. The last person I fell for was a good friend, but it wasn't mutual, or perhaps she know me too well. I just don't know that many single girls anymore. I have some very close friends that are girls, and to be fair I used to share things with them far more than with my male friends, only I'm at an age now where the girls are engaged/married so they don't come out as much, and I rarly meet there friends. Come to think of it, the girls rarly come out at all now they're all hooked up.

It'll happen. Stop being so hard on yourself. Analysing yourself to the extent that you're doing now isn't going to solve things for you.

Cheers, but I've tried just plowing ahead, and it's only got me to this state of unhappiness.

Stop trying to be what you think other people think you should be, and just do things for you..

I'll try. I've spent so much time and energy creating what I am, I'm just not sure what it is I want anymore.

Hope things improve for you.

cheers

Maple

Shallow wrote:

...and thanks for your support Maple, it probably more than I deserve.'

Don't start with the self deprecating comments. Seriously mate, you haven't murdered anyone or committed some heinous crime. You're a bit lost at the minute, you realise that and you want to change. Thats enough to discount you as "shallow hal" in my book. Shallow is when you carry on in this behavior and don't even realise that there is something shallow about it.

But the hard work lies ahead of you, you have to let that guard of yours down. Don't get me wrong, you don't have to head off down O'Connell Street proclaiming your every inner fear to all and sundry who cross your path. Pick a friend, any friend who you know you can trust and share something with them. And once you do that, try not to hyperventilate and then recant it all dismissing it as rubbish. Just keep telling yourself that its a good thing.

Its all about baby steps man, just baby steps. It might take you a while but baby steps will still get you there in the end.