Can a man & a woman ever be 'just good friends'?

Leila4

Or more specifically, has anyone been in a situation with a very close friend of the opposite sex where one person's feelings have developed into something more?

py2006

Is this a general question or are you speaking from personal experience?

Spud83

I may be wrong but I would have thought that most people have at least one friend that they have had feelings for at one time or another.

Crucifix

In general? Sure, it can happen.

Leila4

py2006 wrote:

Is this a general question or are you speaking from personal experience?

It's a general question based on the personal experiences of somebody else, if that makes sense

Lola123

I've been in that situation. It's not good at all! I was totally oblivious to the fact that a friend of mine (we've been friends for about 6 years) had had a "thing" for me for quite some time. He told a mates boyfriend about these feelings about a month ago and obviously i heard all about it. (girls talk).
I'm a bit freaked out by it all tbh as I had no clue he had these kind of feelings for me, he never even flirted with me, never mind tried it on.
While part of me is flattered the other half of me is a lil bit P*ssed off....was he ever really "friends" with me or did he always want more? You start to wonder if any of the advice he gave regarding boyfriends etc was genuine advice or was he trying to pave the way for himself so to speak. (I've recently broken up with someone and he did give some "well meaning" advice).
I feel a bit awkward about the whole situation now, I know he likes me, but he doesn't know that i know. I'm now conscious of the fact that I don't want to lead him on or give him the wrong impression, so I haven't been ringing/emailing as much as i usually would.
So to answer your question.... no, I don't think it's possible for a man & woman to have a friendship if one of them feels something more than just friendship.

Leila4

Thanks Lola123,
I think I'd have to agree with you there, in so far I'd understand you wondering if well meaning advice he gave you was as objective as it could have been. On the other hand I'm sure he didn't set out for this to happen, so it's a pity the friendship has to suffer with you not feeling comfortable ringing or emailing as much.

bugler

They can be friends, sure. But best friends? This always sets my alarm bells ringing. It is possible, but I've learnt from experience that very often the guy (it's almost always the guy) has ulterior motives. I've seen a good friend do it with many girls, he didn't really have the balls to come out and say anything to the girls, and to be honest they probably wouldn't have felt the same way. It was a repeat pattern.

I was also on the receiving end of it when a girlfriend of mine had her male "best friend" of some years confess that he'd always loved her and wanted to be with her, and didn't want to go away for a year abroad because of her. It messed her head right up. And to be honest I hold such deception in contempt. No one likes rejection, but its something we all face, and you should have the courage to be honest.

Caliden

I've got a few girls I know. They're all relatively attractive and I probably would chat them up if I didn't know them.
But since I do know them so well they're not really my type and I know that even a one nighter would make things awkward so I don't think about and have a laugh with them.

Sleepy

I've got female friends I'd be completely unattracted to and I have female friends who I'd love to take to bed. However, I'm as unlikely to sleep with the latter as the former because they're "just" friends and I've no interest in pursuing a relationship with them.

Leila4

That all makes sense, but in this case it's actually the girl who has feelings for the guy, which i'm sure happens just as often. And yeah Bugler, they are very close friends which doesn't help matters at all

_blank_

Yes.

I have a very close female friend, I've known her for fifteen years, and there has never been attraction on either side.

Back when we were teenagers and had a (still have) a big, mixed group, where you'd be with one of the girls for a while, break up, and a while later be seeing someone else from the group, we were never with each other.

We went travelling the world together, and we always have a great laugh when we go out.

Tbh, she's like a lad to me. We'll text each other for pints midweek, I talk to her about stuff I wouldn't speak to other girls about. We know how to annoy each other too.

My girlfriend is totally cool with this aswell.

My friend has no boyfriend right now, and there have been times when I've been single and she's been seeing someone.

It's always been the same, and tbh, I hope it always is. It's great having such a close friend of the opposite sex.

Leila4

Sounds like the ideal situation Seansouth!

py2006

Leila4 wrote:

It's a general question based on the personal experiences of somebody else, if that makes sense

I actually had a conversation about this very topic with work colleage yesterday. He is considerably older than me (40's) with alot more lifes experience. He has recently come to the conclusion that it is impossible for a man and woman to be GREAT friends without one or the other having feelings.

I always had this thought myself. While many people have friends of the opposite sex its rarely considered to be best buddies!

Of the female friends that I have I usually only see them a handful of times throughout the year!

Drift

I've nothing really to contribute apart from to agree with the poster who said its usually the guy who develops feelings. In some rare cases its the girl but I can't understand why it happens with guys so much more. If you examine the number of times this comes up in PI its almost always a guy that has the feelings.

Anyway from a personal point of view there are one or two girls in my social circle that I would have an attraction to .... however none of these would be considered really close friends. My few very close friends are all male - this isn't by choice but I have to say that I've a feeling I'd be the type to fall for a girl who was a close friend so maybe its for the best.

So too conclude - yes its probably possible but its also quite rare because at the end of the day we're all looking for a suitable mate and clearly if your friends with someone you enjoy their company a lot in the first place so it'd be almost natural to consider close friends of the opposite sex in more than a platonic light.

dodgyme

Drift wrote:

its usually the guy who develops feelings.

Not in my experience Alot of girls want to stop a male friend from hooking up with someone. Say girl and guy are friends, the girl slways trys to destroy the guy kicking off something with someone else. Probably because of mixed up feeling towards the guy by the girl.

Zulu

Friends, yes. Best friends, no.

Petey2006

Leila4 wrote:

Or more specifically, has anyone been in a situation with a very close friend of the opposite sex where one person's feelings have developed into something more?

Yeah, I have a female mate who I see regularly, like at least once a week. We've been hanging out for years and recently she told me she'd developed feelings for me and wanted to know if we could take things to the next level, so to speak. I unfortunately didn't feel the same. We talked it out and agreed to stay friends. We're still as good mates as ever and it didn't hurt our relationship in any way. The only thing that changed is that I'm more wary of what I say about other girls in front of her now. Not to hurt her feelings or anything. I guess what it comes down to is if both of you can get past it and not let it effect your relationship. A bit of maturity and ye will both be fine.

MikeHoncho

I am increasingly of the opinion that it is impossible. Its crazy how many threads there are about it too. I think its easier for women to be friends with men without having any sexy urges but I think its nearly impossible for men to not at least think about what it would be like to hop in the sack with their female mates. I think in most cases when a man and a woman say they are best friends one of them is in love with the other. I think girls will also tell men that they are her best mate as a way of rebuking any possible advances but keeping you close for when they need a shoulder to cry on or a man cuddle. If a man is a girls best friend she probably gets everything emotional she needs from that relationship and gets the sex elsewhere. Just my 2 cents.

bugler

I probably should have added that I've been with a close female friend myself. We were spending increasing amounts of time with each other, and things graduated from slight physical contact while sitting beside each other on the couch, to mauling each other one night when the air of expectancy exploded Booty calls ensued. I should point out it was more lust than love, and there were no third parties involved, we were both single.

It ultimately ended in a bit of a rocky patch for our friendship, she got a bit weirded out, even though we had been quite clear with each other that a relationship wasn't on the cards. Things sorted themselves out and we're still in touch...but I don't fool myself into thinking we could be best friends, because I'm a man and I like to sleep with attractive women. I'd sleep with her now. Which isn't of course to denigrate any man who can control his impulses, I take my hat off to them. They are a more evolved specimen than myself.

We talked it out and agreed to stay friends. We're still as good mates as ever and it didn't hurt our relationship in any way.

Thing is, how do you know she still isn't harbouring resentment or other feelings for you? If feelings are genuinely strong I don't think they can be just talked away. I'd imagine she's still hurting. I personally don't think it can't impact on the relationship in some way.

It takes honesty, but honesty on the part of the 'friend', whatever their sex. And in the worst case scenario, if the 'friend' does have feelings, then honesty is the last thing you'll get. My girlfriend of the time had no idea this was coming, it completely shocked her. Obviously he was a good actor.

So there is really no definitive answer, but for me the answer is "No, not usually".

DD

NEVER
Sooner or later one will have feelings for the other one or to some certain circumstances smth will happen, trust me .

Leila4 wrote:

Or more specifically, has anyone been in a situation with a very close friend of the opposite sex where one person's feelings have developed into something more?

biko

I have to agree with Harry - men and women can't be friends, the sex will always be there. I have actually been with female friends and we have stayed friends after, not having to fantasise about it any more. But on more than one occasion it did wreck the friendship.

Leila, could you elaborate on your question. How is this a Personal Issue for you?

Hrududu

Of course they can be friends. My best friend is a guy, there has never been more to it than friendship on either side.

LegacyUser

I had this happen to me before. Myself and this girl were always mates, both had other gf/bf etc but always got on really well. couple times stuff nearly happened but didnt because neither of us would ever cheat. Eventually both became single again and hooked up. brief casual dating followed...and by all means probably would have ended up together but for long distance and travelling coming between us. then we both agreed we were better off just being friends as it was weird being intimate with each other.

Now we're just friends again, but every now and then i find myself thinking 'what if....?'

so in short...it depends on the people i reckon!

py2006

Hrududu wrote:

Of course they can be friends. My best friend is a guy, there has never been more to it than friendship on either side.

That your aware of!

LegacyUser

I don't know... I can't believe this... I don't see why girls and guys can't be friends. All my friends are guys and I don't have that kind of interest in any of them. I'd hope that none of them have that interest in me, they certainly haven't shown any signs and I've known them for years...

LegacyUser

'My opinion.

Men and women are actually not the exact same and are not designed to be "just friends". There's this little thing called biology which makes them want to have sex with each other. This possibly has more influence over the thought processes of men. Most platonic friendships between straight men and women are more beneficial to the woman. This is a confusing issue. I mean, if all men who are "just friends" with women and give free relationship advice while secretly pining away for the girl could grow a spine, the world would probably be a better place. Then again, if the women would just accept the glaringly obvious fact that single men do not really enjoy having discussions about other peoples relationships , and if a single guy is giving them this kind of advice on a regular basis, there's something going on,instead of acting naieve and keeping him around because they relationship is beneficial to them, and then acting all appalled when they learn that yes, human nature does in fact exist after all, even in men with low self esteem, there'd be a lot less of these situations.

If you're a female with a single male friend. Unless you're ugly he's probably at least considering it. I don't know how it got to a stage where everybody talks about this like it's just a rational decision people make and men just say "oh, I'm just friends with this woman, so I'll turn off my biology and flick the switch to platonic". Just another example of the denial of human nature in modern society I guess.

In conclusion, the combination of spineless men and selfish women who turn a blind eye to the obvious is a bad thing.'

LegacyUser

'

really? wrote:

I don't know... I can't believe this... I don't see why girls and guys can't be friends. All my friends are guys and I don't have that kind of interest in any of them. I'd hope that none of them have that interest in me, they certainly haven't shown any signs and I've known them for years...

Aah this old "all my friends are men" chestnut. Girls and guys can't be guys because despite what you want to believe, that's just not the way it works. Simple as that. Did you ever hear of procreation? Well, a lot of biological organisms, humans included, have these inbuilt drives which tell that that it's quite an important goal, more important that a platonic friendship in fact. Don't feel too bad about it. This stuff has been going on for aaagggeeesss. Since before you were born, in fact, I'm pretty sure human nature existed even before modern society taught us all that platonic friendships between males and females was somehow normal.

You probably like hanging out with men because as the only girl in the group you get the special treatment'

Red Alert

Been there done that a few times:

I had a very close female friend from when I was about 5 years old, right up to in college. Absolutely nothing ever happened between us apart from once, which in hindsight didn't really bother the friendship at all. Yes it felt a bit weird when we decided that a relationship wasn't the best idea, but we were back to normal pretty much.

Another close female friend appeared when I was about 18 and used to do grinds on a saturday. I got to know her as friends but was quite shy at the time, so didn't pick up on the obvious signals I was getting. By the time I did decide to move on it it had gone stale, so we didn't pursue it.

Next up was a girl at work. Same story, used to get on really well with her and meet up a lot as mates. I think if you go back far enough on PI you might even find a thread about her. Things took a step forward just under a year later. I'm probably quite nerdy in ways, and she didn't care about studies or anything - relationships often have less of a tolerance of different life goals than friendships do. After three months we broke up very acrimoniously and haven't really spoken since, the reasons being too many to mention.

I'm in a slightly more complicated situation at the moment, involving over one person. And I'm pretty pressed with work and other stuff so I'm not racing into anything. I have at least suggested to the person involved that it might be interesting to see if there was any more to our friendship, we haven't really pursued it anymore. I think letting it sit and going for wait-and-see is the best thing at this point.

To sum up, I think a lot of it is down to the fact that men and women are wired-up differently. Women generally have an overall sense of empathy, which in a friendship can be misconstrued as coming-on to a guy. The flip side is also true as well, as men who are good listeners (i'm told I'm one) can find it a handicap when trying to pursue a relationship.

There's also the thorny issue of either friend having a relationship with somebody else. Especially as in my case where the other person would be friends with us as well. That can unintentionally cause a big problem I think, but often how you or they feel when one of you gets a bf/gf can tell you a lot about the friendship as a whole.

Realistically I think the only valid answer to the question is - only if either the guy or the girl are gay, otherwise no.

Petey2006

bugler wrote:

Thing is, how do you know she still isn't harbouring resentment or other feelings for you? If feelings are genuinely strong I don't think they can be just talked away. I'd imagine she's still hurting. I personally don't think it can't impact on the relationship in some way.

Well, it took a few weeks for us to get back to normal. I did give her a bit of space, at her request, to sort out her head. But things do seem to be good again now. I will admit, she may harbor resentment. But she doesn't show it if she is, and this hasn't harmed our relationship.

Sleepy

I don't get this notion that men and women can never be 'just' friends.

One of my best friends is female. We're close to the point where many people think we're a couple, have slept in the same bed many times etc and honestly there's nothing romantic in it. She's a very attractive girl and sure, tbh, there are times when I look at her and think I'd love to sleep with her but even if she threw herself at me, I know I wouldn't follow through with it. We'd never work in a relationship so there'd just be no point to it.