Suitable BG & RH diet

a5y

I'm new here, and although I've read the stickies I feel the need to risk breaking a rule that may get me permabanned from the forum already, but please brothers, read what I have to say before you kick me out of this fine establishment and abandon me to the joggers, metrosexuals and charity muggers!

Things that don't even exist on the RH/BG forum
Rod Stewart
Michael Bolton
Veet
Light Beers/Ciders
West Coast Cooler
Diets

Mentioning of the aformentioned subjects results in an instant and permanent ban.

(Quoted from the prototype charter sticky; emphasis added by me)

To my shame brothers I fell for the "new man" healthy living bullsh|t that seems to be flogged by every two bit newspaper and magazine, abandoning the tradition Irish regime of the fried breakfast, regular pints of the black stuff, and other vital elements I have forgotten completely.

Sisters, brothers, I need your help. I weight an ungirthy 11 stone; my hairline is barely receeding and although I can at least claim some small modicum of dignity knowing I have never waxed anything nor even once ordered any absurd alcopop, this is no real consolation on sunny days when I am forced to see a sinister, whispy taunting shadow that may trail me for the rest of my days, a permanent reminder of my failure to become something better; that is, if I do not resolve to chance my ways.

I need a diet, not these mindless malevolent fad diets designed to lose weight, but a proper BG & RH diet designed to promote the vital accumulation of girth, advice on livestyle changes, a routine to get into. I am still young, I still feel hopeful I can learn to throw darts but all these changes at once are too much too soon... can anyone aid me in what I must do?

Please show some pity for a poor skinny leper.

Bazzy

You need the crash course.

Today is your frst change to start.

Start off with a nice fry 2 eggs 2 sausages 2 rashers of back 2 pudding one black one white all stacked like a tower on top of each other and rolled up good and tight. Have some tea with it as well.

Next 12 o clock opening time down the local straight down and start with guinness after about 3 pints have some bacon fries & if your really committed to the diet scampi fries and peanuts

Stay at the drink in the pub until about 6pm. Avail of take away facilites near by and make sure you order a good feed green stuff is banned from all burgers and kebabs

Get some cans on your way home log onto here and let us know how day 1 has gone so far.

a5y

Bazzy wrote:

You need the crash course.

Today is your frst change to start.

Start off with a nice fry 2 eggs 2 sausages 2 rashers of back 2 pudding one black one white all stacked like a tower on top of each other and rolled up good and tight. Have some tea with it as well.

Next 12 o clock opening time down the local straight down and start with guinness after about 3 pints have some bacon fries & if your really committed to the diet scampi fries and peanuts

Stay at the drink in the pub until about 6pm. Avail of take away facilites near by and make sure you order a good feed green stuff is banned from all burgers and kebabs

Get some cans on your way home log onto here and let us know how day 1 has gone so far.

I think I can give this a shot tomorrow.

crosstownk

a5y wrote:

I think I can give this a shot tomorrow.

If you need some support I'm sure plenty of the brothers here will join you to see that you get it right.

You will need to explain to any wimmin folk that you will need the couch any time you are in the house. The remote control should be yours to take control of. The deep fat fryer should be 'on the ready' whenever you so wish. Any wimmin you encounter will need to be 'on top' to prevent you wasting excess energy.

AlmightyCushion

Also cellotape the remote control to your hand so that you don't lose it. That way you don't burn precious calories trying to find it. Even the small things can help.

jester77

Here's a valuable tip. Keep your desk drawer full of munchies and you will never be hungry. I'm a big fan of tatyo waffles, bacon fries, ranchereros and big bags of chocolate M&M's but add what ever you're into. You can then eat these between meals.

AlmightyCushion

jester77 wrote:

Here's a valuable tip. Keep your desk drawer full of munchies and you will never be hungry. I'm a big fan of tatyo waffles, bacon fries, ranchereros and big bags of chocolate M&M's but add what ever you're into. You can then eat these between meals.

And preferably before, during and after meals aswell.

racso1975

to really aid and assist the process get somebody you, NOT YOU to go into a gym or health food store (easy brothers there is method in my madness) and get them to buy you a tub of weight gain product/powder.....this powder should be added to every single drink/ pint you take.....Now listen to the scale creak:D

AlmightyCushion

You should also consider moving house to one that is closer to the pubs/fast food joints you frequent the most. Drastic but these things need to be done.

AlmightyCushion

racso1975 wrote:

to really aid and assist the process get somebody you, NOT YOU to go into a gym or health food store (easy brothers there is method in my madness) and get them to buy you a tub of weight gain product/powder.....this powder should be added to every single drink/ pint you take.....Now listen to the scale creak:D

Jaysus rasco don't scare me like that. I had the mouse cursor hovering over the report post button until I read the end of your post.

a5y

Bazzy wrote:

You need the crash course.
...
(SNIP)
...
Get some cans on your way home log onto here and let us know how day 1 has gone so far.

Right, so this hasn't been going precisely to plan, but thats not to say there hasn't been progress.

Breakfast - due to the wimmin in the house not cleaning up after themselves the frying pan was burnt black when I went to begin the fry; but begin I did. I knew I had to make sacrifices when I decided to began, so I carried on regardless.

Up until the smoke alarm went off this seemed like a perfectly reasonable plan. Naturally as a man I just went to grab a chair, hop up on it and whip out the battery. This took longer than expected because it was jammed in like a bas+ard, but I got it out eventually.

When I returned to the pan, breakfast was ruined. I'd went to take out the battery without taking the pan off the heat.

As I am a man of principle, I ate it anyway. Perhaps not a good idea, any fat was incinerated: it wasn't so much crispy as it was brittle.

Next step -> Pub -> Guinness. I didn't get there at opening, as I was knackered and felt like sleeping in; that and brekkie didn't go to plan. Still, that was nothing a good pint (or 6) of the black stuff wouldn't fix.

But instead of washing the ash off my taste puds the pint seemed to combine with the last meal in some hellish bitter porridge.

Ordinarily I'd never leave a pint unfinished, however as that didn't work so well with the breakfast I thought it best not to push my luck.

Right now I'm writing this up while sipping whiskey (best mouthwash ever). Any pointers on where this all went wrong would be appreciated. (Should I have washed the frying pan? It wasn't even me who used it last?!)

crosstownk

A few points..............

a5y wrote:

Any pointers on where this all went wrong

Yes - see next quote

a5y wrote:

due to the wimmin in the house not cleaning up after themselves

This is inexcusable. Explain to the wimmin that it is their job to clean. They can get lessons for free here.

a5y wrote:

Right now I'm writing this up while sipping whiskey (best mouthwash ever).

That's OK - just be sure to swallow - whiskey is not a standard mouthwash like Listerine - Whiskey has excellent added benefits. Keep rinsing.

a5y wrote:

Should I have washed the frying pan?

GOOD GOD NO!!! This a job for the wimmin - see earlier point.

a5y wrote:

It wasn't even me who used it last?!)

It doesn't matter who uses the pan - the wimmin should clean it. Case closed.

Try again tomorrow brother - you'll get it - fear not.

crosstownk

racso1975 wrote:

gym

What does this word mean Is it a word from a foreign language?

Victor

Midnight snack - Chocolate HobNobs 300g, washed down with milk.

crosstownk

Victor wrote:

washed down with milk.

Full fat milk, no doubt. It might be an idea to repeat this around 4am. Then the big fry for breakfast, lounge on the couch and hit the pub for some Uncle Arthur around noon. Stay for the day, order the half pounder burger with large chips, battered sausage and onion rings for dinner. Some more Guinness followed by a savage doner kebab & chicken burger with a large tray of curry chips as you stagger home. Go to bed and repeat. After a few repetions things should start to take shape.

AlmightyCushion

a5y wrote:

Breakfast - due to the wimmin in the house not cleaning up after themselves the frying pan was burnt black when I went to begin the fry; but begin I did. I knew I had to make sacrifices when I decided to began, so I carried on regardless.

Not only should the wimmen be cleaning up like suggested above but they should also be doing the cooking. What sort of house do you live in? It doesn't obey the laws of physics.

Zaph

a5y wrote:

Up until the smoke alarm went off this seemed like a perfectly reasonable plan. Naturally as a man I just went to grab a chair, hop up on it and whip out the battery. This took longer than expected because it was jammed in like a bas+ard, but I got it out eventually.

Now I've highlighted one sentence for a reason - it demonstrates needless exertion and burning of vital calories! A good clatter with a broom handle or, better still, getting one of the wimmins to hop up on the chair is what was required in this instance. The Brotherhood is here to help you, but this sort of thing suggests that we may be fighting a losing battle.

Henry Ford III

Just had a Subway Meatball Marinanra 12" sambo. Bread unknown. With cheese, and oregano. Toasted, and with lettuce, green pepper, red onion, jalapenos, and Southwestern sauce (made obligatory farting noise when applied )

Oh yes!

Fratton Fred

eat a Moro bar with everything.

Fried Breakfast followed by a Moro
Pizza Lunch followed by a Moro
Steak and chips Dinner followed by a Moro
Moro bar, followed by a Moro
kebab followed by a Moro

Get the girlfriend to go on top;) , to avoid burning off any calories (Useful to note, when you can't do the butons up on your jeans, a bit of hanky panky helps shed a few pounds, it's called the F-Plan diet)

then eat a Moro.

while you're sat at the pc, eat a "Share" bag of tayto, followed by a Moro.

and of course, drink 8 pints of the black stuff a day, 12 at weekends all followed by a Moro.

should work a treat

(Or give you acne)

a5y

Fratton Fred wrote:

eat a Moro bar with everything.

...

should work a treat

...

I see: Does the type of Moro matter? (Original / Coconut / Peanut) Or is it mostly important just to continue the Moro routine at every opportunity?

a5y

AlmightyCushion wrote:

What sort of house do you live in? It doesn't obey the laws of physics.

As I've said before, I've alot to try and fix; even deciding where to begin is no mean feat.

a5y

crosstownk wrote:

Try again tomorrow brother - you'll get it - fear not.

Hmm. I think I may need to stretch the changes I'm introducing over the long term to get anywhere with this one.

I'm going to continue with the new elements that have worked well for me; ie. not washing the frying pan, whiskey mouthwash) and perhaps try and use expert professionals to help with other aspects (ie the frying and other cooking*...), in time I'll reintroduce all the other elements once its clear that the wimmin will take their responsibilities seriously.



*I've read a useful is slightly out of date thread on such professionals and their whereabouts that was stickied: perhaps an updated and more general "golden pages" of BG & RH could also be introduced? The sort of thing that covers many counties, pubs, greasy spoons? (Or is that just foolish talk?)

a5y

zaph wrote:

A good clatter with a broom handle or, better still, getting one of the wimmins to hop up on the chair is what was required in this instance.

In hindsight that elegant solution is screamingly obvious. In my defence, I've always avoided even touching brooms, as I felt cleaning up is a needless burning of calories: though this new use as a low exersion receptacle for anti-smoke alarm violence I will resolve to master.

zaph wrote:

The Brotherhood is here to help you, but this sort of thing suggests that we may be fighting a losing battle.

Perhaps your successes have come naturally to you, brother; but not everyone is as gifted as you are. My progress may be shaky so far but at least my resolve isn't in doubt.

racso1975

Hey lets get one thing straight nobody around here likes a complainer.....if your gonna moan about ur diet head over to that fitness section(dear god i'm dry reching)

We are here to help and support you cant expect to put 5 stone on over night and even if u did u'd still be lighter then most here.....

this is like a marathon with your goal being xmas day!!!! Oh sweet jebus all that food sweets and drink on one day and the ability to stay awake while the wimmen and lesser men sleep!!!!!

Keep the faith!!!!!


i find eatting while listening to rocky sound track increases my ability to eat fast and stuff more in me

crosstownk

This may be of some assistance. It came my way a few minutes ago by email (from one of the wimmin folk here at work).

















Now, personally I'd prefer to see a pint of Guinness in the last picture rather than the milk, but if the milk is full fat then it'll do if you're stuck. A dish of this sort is simple to make (note the chips were purchased from McDs - probably a day or two before - no wastage here).

Zaph

Holy f*ck, that is pure genius!

Fratton Fred

That is ****ing brilliant.

I'm going to try one of those tonight.

Zaph

Brothers, check this thread out!