what do I do here? - send flowers to work

Partizan

Hi. Just getting over a break up at the moment when the following happened. Last month I got talking to a nice Spanish lady outside a shop on Westmoreland Street just by accident. We chatted for a good half hour and in the end I asked for her number which she duly gave to me. She stated that on that day that she was going on holidays and would be back in a couple of weeks. Well I waited for a couple of weeks until she got back and got in contact with her again. Her irish mobile number wasnt working so I dropped into her place of work about 2 weeks ago and had a chat with her. She stated her number didnt work here and that she had friends from Spain over so she was preoccupied with them at the moment. We agreed to meet up on the Thursday.

When I called into work last Thursday one of her workmates said that she was ill so I said I would call in the following day which I duly did. I saw here again and wasnt looking the best. She explained to me that when she was on holidays she picked up some viral infection and that she found it difficult to try and shake off. She apologised to me becuse of her illness and that she would not be well enough to see me right now and that she would definitley talk to me when she feels better.

What do i do? Do I wait until she gets back to me (if ever), send her an sms after a couple of weeks or have flowers delivered into her workplace with a card wishing her a well and a speeding recovery.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. This girl is really nice, good looking and with a great personality.

5starpool

Sounds like a bad run of luck just. Ring her (presuming you have a working number for her), wish her well, ask if there is anything you can do, and when told no (as you more, than likely will do) just ask her to call you when when she is feeling better and that you are looking forward to it. Don't be too heavy about it. Flowers might be appreciated, but by the same token they can be interpreted as too heavy as well, so be careful if you use this approach. You might scare her off before anytihng happens.

hanni1234

Here Pal,

No offence but it seems like you freaking her out and she is just too nice to ask you to leave her alone. Im not one for meeting women on the street. Dont think its really the done thing, its usually in pubs etc. Last thing you should do is send her flowers! She'll think you're EVEN MORE of a psycho!!!!:eek:

ntlbell

If she doesn't have your number, give it to her and move on.

if the phone rings happy days if not, nothing lost nothing gained.

Partizan

thanks guys for the advice. Before anyone starts I'm not some kind of psycho and when I did call into her workplace a couple of times she seemed genuinely delighted to see me. She does indeed have my number and we had arranged to meet up last Thursday only for her to be ill right now. She had absolutley no problem giving me my number.

Hanni, people meet in all kind of places and situations. Why limit your social contacts to pubs and clubs.

5starpool, I think your advice is fairly sound. I've had rotten luck when it comes to women so I'll give her a text next week wishing her well and ask her to call me when she's better. She told me we will talk when she feels better. I'd take her at face value as she seems like a decent genuine person. Last thing I want to do right now is as You said frighten her off. The ball is in her court.

Maple

Don't send the flowers - too full on. Do send a text saying that you hope she's feeling better. Then you've done everything you can and if something comes out of it, then fantastic and well done you. But the ball is in her court so let her come to you.

Partizan

maple wrote:

Don't send the flowers - too full on. Do send a text saying that you hope she's feeling better. Then you've done everything you can and if something comes out of it, then fantastic and well done you. But the ball is in her court so let her come to you.

Cheers, I'll send her a text later this week. Its game on, hopefully.

biko

How about you drop a Get Well card into the reception with a message and your number. Then leave it for her to contact you.

No flowers!

Partizan

biko wrote:

How about you drop a Get Well card into the reception with a message and your number. Then leave it for her to contact you.

No flowers!

Cheers biko, she has my number already but your idea has certainly got me thinking.

HelterSkelter

Sounds like she is trying to ditch you in a nice way. If she has your number then don't contact her again. If she is really interested in you she will call or text you when she is better.

hatedajacks

Mate,Move on. She is avoiding u. You come on far too strong. Stalker alert!!!

MikeHoncho

You have obviously shown your interest it is now up to her to retort. If she doesnt just move on.

Partizan

hatedajacks wrote:

Mate,Move on. She is avoiding u. You come on far too strong. Stalker alert!!!

How is she avoiding me and Helter Skelter why would she be trying to 'ditch me in a nice way'. I walked in to her work place 2 weeks ago because she didnt respond to the odd text I sent and seemed genuinly pleased to see me. She explained that she was using her Spanish SIM card here in Ireland so could not reply to my texts, added to the fact that she was involved in an accident on holidays (prolonged absense from the country which necessitated in her not contacting me). She expressed regret in not being able to contact me. All plausable explanations if you ask me. We agreed to meet up Thursday last week after work, however when I called into work the following Friday she apologised to me that she was sick, expressed regret that we could not meet right now as she is feeling ill and not in the mood to do anything else. She also stated that she has been to the doctor as well.

Before I left she said that we would definitley talk. Take that as you will. Doesn't sound like a person who will never get back to me.

bandit*baby

ntlbell wrote:

If she doesn't have your number, give it to her and move on.

if the phone rings happy days if not, nothing lost nothing gained.

i agree

She is trying to give you a hint I think. You don't appear to be getting it.

Partizan

she has my number. If nothing happens after a couple of weeks, I'll drop her in a card wishing her a speedy recovery and all the best.

Maple

Partizan wrote:

she has my number. If nothing happens after a couple of weeks, I'll drop her in a card wishing her a speedy recovery and all the best.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Don't do that!! If nothing happens after a couple of weeks then she is just not interested! Seriously!!

Send her a text today saying that you hope she is feeling better and that you're looking forward to hearing from her. If you hear nothing then its game over.

DO NOT send her a card!!! Seriously!

Partizan

okely dokely.

I'll give you an update in a couple of weeks.

Maple

Partizan wrote:

okely dokely.

I'll give you an update in a couple of weeks.

best of luck!

LegacyUser

he explained that she was using her Spanish SIM card here in Ireland so could not reply to my texts

yeah but what stopped her from ringing you from and telling you this.(from a friends phone, landline, whatever..)

he explained that she was using her Spanish SIM card here in Ireland so could not reply to my texts

she had friends from Spain over so she was preoccupied with them at the moment.

one of her workmates said that she was ill so I said I would call in the following day which I duly did

She apologised to me becuse of her illness and that she would not be well enough to see me right now and that she would definitley talk to me when she feels better.

i hope i'm wrong but if she was interested she would've found a way to contact you i mean she has your number, and it does seem like an awful lot of excuses, and its much harder to tell someone you're not interested when they're standing right in front of you.

usually i'm all for not playing games and letting people know you're interested in them but seriously you've done enough.

definately don't send cards or flowers its completely inappropriate. the balls in her court if shes interested she'll get in touch.

Partizan

I dont think that she is the kind of person for playing games. She did seem genuinly pleased to see me and we started chatting in the shop I sensed that there was a good rapport between us both.

When I met her again 2 weeks ago she had just come back from holidays in which she had been in an accident and had to stay an extra week in a hospital. She was not lying when she said it and even showed me the scars on her arm. She's the genuine type and when I talked to her on Friday last she told me that we will definitley talk. Take that as you will. I'm going on holidays next week for 9 days so I was thinking she may leave a message then if not, well I'll leave it.

Maple I sent her a get better text this evening and will leave it at that. I can do no more.

LegacyUser

'seriously, you're unbelievable. Get well cards to someone you don't know? Flowers to someone you haven't even gone out with yet? That WREAKS of desperation and weakness to me. Whether or not she's been apparently glad to see you or has scars or this and that, just leave her alone, you've made an effort, if she doesn't make an effort now she's not interested. Don't send any more texts. She will contact you if she wants to go out with you. What part of that sentence do you not understand?'

Wibbs

I tend to agree with lolzatyou on this one. It does smack of desperation. You barely know this woman and you're contemplating flowers, sending get well cards? Ehhhhh? No. let it go mate. Showing up at her work is also not a good plan. You thinking she's being nice to you doesn't cut it for me either. Of course she's being nice to you. Some randomer in a foreign country in a foreign language, is showing up unnanounced at her work. I would be "nice" to you as well, at first. I might be thinking, "oh oh swivel eyed, drooling weirdo alert". And I'm a bloke. If I was a woman in that position I might get a bit more freaked.

Word to the wise. Women tend to not be direct in telling you to sod off. Generally they try to come up with excuse after excuse, to avoid confrontation and hope you get the message in big red neon lit letters(generalisation alert, but still).

I would say back off and see where that gets you. If she wants to keep in contact, she will. Trust me. If you don't back off, the fact is you're obsessing.

BTW Spanish SIM cards do work here. I've got Spanish mates and theirs do. They can text from them to an Irish phone no problem. Got a text from one last night in fact(diff Spanish networks too). Lack of credit on the Spanish phone is no excuse either as they get that here too. So that says it all for me. She's trying to avoid you. Take the (v loud)hint. Walk away.

maybe there's something in your recent breakup you still need to resolve.

Partizan

Wibbs wrote:

maybe there's something in your recent breakup you still need to resolve.

funny you said that. I bumped into the ex on the street yesterday, went to a cafe and had a long fortright conversation.

Partizan

lolzatyou wrote:

'seriously, you're unbelievable. Get well cards to someone you don't know? Flowers to someone you haven't even gone out with yet? That WREAKS of desperation and weakness to me. Whether or not she's been apparently glad to see you or has scars or this and that, just leave her alone, you've made an effort, if she doesn't make an effort now she's not interested. Don't send any more texts. She will contact you if she wants to go out with you. What part of that sentence do you not understand?'

ok no flowers or cards, I get the message. I'll just wait and see what will happen. Sometimes women can melt my head.

Noelie

Partizan in your first post you said she had a viral infection, now your saying she was in a car crash!

I'm not sure if this is a wind up or not. If it's for real, don't contact her again, let her contact you. you already see kinda clingy by calling into her work place and you hardly know the girl. Like someone else said it's much easier to pretend to like someone to there face and it is to say they aren't interested.

mkdon05

This one is incredibly clear cut.

She has your number - If she likes you , she will get in touch with you.

Sit tight i reckon!

Duckjob

In fairness to her, it doesn't sound to me like she played games or led you on - it sounds like she was trying to let you down gently and you misread it.

If you hear from her, great. In the meantime, move on.

Wibbs

Partizan wrote:

Sometimes women can melt my head.

Sometimes, but rarely. You melt your own head, women/men or anything else is just the kick off.

funny you said that. I bumped into the ex on the street yesterday, went to a cafe and had a long fortright conversation.

I suspect you're in panic mode now, because of the recent breakup. That could be where the needy behaviour is coming from. It'll pass.

nicolo

Yeah it smacks of ' I need another relationship asap!'

if only they explained in school that if you like someone walk the other way,

theres nothing less attractive then someone who sloberes all over you and humps your leg while screaming "I LOVE YOU PRETTY STRANGER! MARRY MEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

gotta agree it does sound like shes trying to let you down ghently, i used to have this sort of response from girls for years till i just stopped putting the effort in.

nothings as attractive as something you cant have.

Partizan

ok, ok. Yes Wibbs youre right I hit the panic button but who can blame me. I'm a human being ffs who has still strong feeling sabout my ex, i.e. a sense of loss, anger and sadness now that she is with someone else.

Regarding this other girl. I'll sit tight for a few weeks and if nothing well....

Beruthiel

Partizan wrote:

I'm a human being ffs who has still strong feeling sabout my ex, i.e. a sense of loss, anger and sadness now that she is with someone else

You really shouldn't be thinking about getting serious with anyone else until you have sorted the above out in your head.

Wibbs

Partizan wrote:

ok, ok. Yes Wibbs youre right I hit the panic button but who can blame me. I'm a human being ffs who has still strong feeling sabout my ex, i.e. a sense of loss, anger and sadness now that she is with someone else.

That's ok. Things like this can rattle the best of us. It's how you deal with this is what will plot the course of your future life and relationships.

Regarding this other girl. I'll sit tight for a few weeks and if nothing well....

Exactly. In any case if you still have these issues about the ex, it's hardly fair jumping into a new relationship so soon after as Beruthiel points out. It's not fair on any new partner and in the end not fair on you. At the moment you're looking for an emotional crutch, a rebound relationship. Learn to be on your own for a while before jumping into anything or anyone else. It'll be doomed to failure otherwise. Fact.

Partizan

I'm meeting up with the ex again next week in what essentially is a do or die. We still have strong feelings for each other so I will put it to her, as to how she feels for me and about the possibility of reconciliation. Hopefully then the issue will finally be put to bed and if unsuccessful I can move on.

Its seems after talking to her that we seperated on a misunderstanding. The premise for the breakup according to her was that I put enomous pressure on her in the final days, however I pointed out that one of my closest friends committed suicide around this time and it was the cause of my erratic behaviour as I was trying constantly to ring her up looking for someone to simply talk to as my friends and parents were too upset. Up to that point she told me that she was swaying towards me but after that few days she accused me of puttig under pressure and making her feel uncomfortable so we broke off contact for a few weeks only to reopen channels again after she came back from a 2 week holiday.

When I explained what happened she became extremely apologetic and asked why I didnt tell her at the time. Well naturally I was deeply upset and that she had likewise rfused to answer her phone. So anyway the meeting next week will tell all. I'm heading off at the end of next week for a 10 day holiday to see friends in Hungary and Serbia so that should clear my head and be in a better postion emotionally.

God I'm looking forward to heading off.

Regarding the other girl, yeah we'll see what happens so when I come back my head will be cleared and I can evaluate the overall situation better because right now, emotionally I'm all over the place.

Wibbs

Partizan wrote:

I'm meeting up with the ex again next week in what essentially is a do or die. We still have strong feelings for each other so I will put it to her, as to how she feels for me and about the possibility of reconciliation. Hopefully then the issue will finally be put to bed and if unsuccessful I can move on.

Good plan. It'll be hard but don't try to read too much into what she says in general. You need to be looking for definite answers. All the "I'm not sure" and "I'm confused how I feel" aren't worth much. This is especially true if as you say she's moved onto someone else so soon.

Its seems after talking to her that we seperated on a misunderstanding. The premise for the breakup according to her was that I put enomous pressure on her in the final days, however I pointed out that one of my closest friends committed suicide around this time and it was the cause of my erratic behaviour as I was trying constantly to ring her up looking for someone to simply talk to as my friends and parents were too upset. Up to that point she told me that she was swaying towards me but after that few days she accused me of puttig under pressure and making her feel uncomfortable so we broke off contact for a few weeks only to reopen channels again after she came back from a 2 week holiday.

Maybe I'm wrong but the general gist I'm getting here is that you were going through a naturally very hard time(Sorry about your mate BTW) and because of this she felt under pressure from you to be supportive? Unless you were completely nutso and over the top at the time, I would have expected someone who had "strong feelings" for you would have at least loaned you a shoulder to cry on. That she very soon after started going with someone else doesn't sound great. Did she know this guy when you were together? If so, while she may not have done anything while you were together, the chances are good it was planned to leave for him. If even in the back of her mind. The time factor is the thing with that. If she was with him within two weeks of not seeing you, then not so good. If it was a month or so it's not so much of an issue.

When I explained what happened she became extremely apologetic and asked why I didnt tell her at the time.

Presumably she knew about your friends suicide? If not(but why not) then fine, but if she was aware of this it's not exactly rocket science to figure out that her BF might need help at a time like that. You wouldn't think you would have to tell her.

Now of course we're only getting your side of this so the two sides of the story are still up for grabs.

I do get the impression that she felt under pressure even before the tragedy. Maybe I'm wrong. It's just from your posts regarding this Spanish woman, you did seem a bit full on. Was that part of you an issue for the ex? I'm just saying this, so you don't come across that way in your make or break conversation with her. You need to sort out why that relationship failed, before you meet her and try to start a new one out of the ashes of the old. If you don't the chances are good she won't be up for a rematch and if she is the thing that broke you up in the first place will break you up the next time.

BTW I'm not saying it's all your bad either. It takes two to tango, but since none of us know your full situation and how she was in the relationship, I'm just going on what you've posted.

Regarding the other girl, yeah we'll see what happens so when I come back

TBH I would leave that one. Your head's probably not together enough to start anything but a very casual relationship at the minute. You probably need a fair bit of "my time" at the moment. Went all hippy there for a moment. Apologies.

my head will be cleared and I can evaluate the overall situation better because right now, emotionally I'm all over the place.

I'm not bloody surprised to be fair. You buried a close friend from suicide and your longterm GF has left you(and is with someone else). It's no wonder you're a bit "needy" etc at the moment. I feel for you, but you will get through it. May take longer than you think, but you will. I know, I've buried two friends in the past. Not easy. Not easy at all.

Partizan

thanks Wibbs, thank you so much for the advice. Its really great. I never thought something like this could happen to me but hey it did. This is the second painful break up that I have been through within the last 2 1/2 years. Really its been tough on me. Now I'll answer some of the questions that you posed to me in the previous post.

I did not know anything about this guy until she told me one Monday morning 8 weeks ago by email that he had shown up on her door the previous day, proposed to her and that she had accepted. They were together for 3 years before they broke up 2 years ago, however they were in contact over the 2 years but purely by the irregular email, unknown to be me at the time. Last month we met up 2 Saturdays for coffee in which I explained my side of the story and saying to her that she should not have done what she did especially after what I had done for her and had stuck by her when she went through a difficult phase herself. She told me that she would make her decision via email on the Monday. That Monday nothing so I sent her a text message the Tuesday saying how about I pick you up after work. She sent me an sms back to say that i was pressuring her. I said fine and I rang her Wednesday in wish we had a good chat together. However when I last saw her on Sunday 20 May she was with a friend and had to go on an emergency to deal with a situation with her. We briefly met kissed and I said goodbye and she told me that she would email me either on Monday or the Tuesday. I said fine.

On the Sunday night I got the terrible news about my friend. I went completely blotto and tried to call her a coupel of times and sent her a couple of text messages to say that I need to talk to you and that I love you. he following day she sent me an email to say that it was all over that I was pressuring her too much and she found that so uncomfortable. I tried to tell her what happened but she would not answer. I became angry and sent her some insulting texts. But you have to remember the stress and strain that I was under. My friend's tragic death and for the 3 week hiatus, the thought of her shagging this guy (even right now as I type this) My erratic behavior in which I admit I would have found uncomfortable myself was totally uncharactaristic of me. I'm the most easy going and laid back guy around. I have some ladyfriends who say that they feel really relaxed and comfortable in my presense.

When I met her on Wednesday it became clear to me that on the Sunday evening she had made her mind up to be with me, but lo and behold fate intervened and I went completely mad. Who wouldnt. I simply needed someone to talk to. My friends and parents were upset and I had nobody to talk to. Sitting alone in my apartment I needed as you say Wibbs a shoulder to cry on. but she interpreted my behaviour as weird, erratic and uncomfortable when in fact it was a different reason. I made this quite clear to her. She was deeply apologetic and when I was close to tears telling she said please stop. I asked her when we can meet again and she said she doesnt know due to the fact that the work roster doesnt get published until Sunday. I sent her a text tonight to say that I will text her again on Sunday or Monday in order for us to meet up if she wants. I'm afraid that she will say no as she could also get upset. I really dont want to lose her and if I did it would be painful for me, unlucky and unfortuante and involved matters completely beyond my control. Tonight I went to a lovely classical music concert on my own. I bought the 2 tickets weks ago when we were together however I couldnt get a refund on them. I didnt really enjoy the concert.

I forgive her and would take her back in a heartbeat. Its been a crushing blow to my confidence and self esteem. I'm a straight forward, honest, easy going happy go lucky guy but right now I have never felt so down hearted. Its like something inside me just died. The time frame, well she was out of teh counry on holidays from 5 to 21 June minus the guy so there might be chance she may turn around to me especially after hearing the facts and what really happened. I dont know but my God in my love life I have had nothing but bad luck. I'm a good person and would do a turn for anyone but i didnt deserve this.

Wibbs

Partizan wrote:

thanks Wibbs, thank you so much for the advice. Its really great.

No worries at all. Look if I can help at all I'll try. Bear in mind there are different opinions on stuff like this, but I'll try to give you mine. Also bear in mind there are enough people around here that may reckon I talk out of somewhere other than my mouth so bear that in mind. They may well be right.

Anyway, long fúcking post alert. Apologies.

I did not know anything about this guy until she told me one Monday morning 8 weeks ago by email that he had shown up on her door the previous day, proposed to her and that she had accepted. They were together for 3 years before they broke up 2 years ago, however they were in contact over the 2 years but purely by the irregular email, unknown to be me at the time.

I wrote about this in another thread on rebounds etc. A guy with a similar tale to tell to yourself. This happens a lot more often than some think. I've seen very very similar in my own life, both with friends and me. Person goes out with "the One" tm. They break up. Person goes off with someone else for anything up to 3 yrs and Bam! "the One" tm comes back into view and longterm rebound chappie or chappess is gone. The contact in the interim is a red flag. Sadly one you weren't party to. It's hard to call though. A lot of people stay on good terms with exes and keep in contact with no ulterior motive. The secrecy is often the bad sign.

Last month we met up 2 Saturdays for coffee in which I explained my side of the story and saying to her that she should not have done what she did especially after what I had done for her and had stuck by her when she went through a difficult phase herself.

Word to the wise, don't bring up things you've done for her. She knows what you've done for her. Mentioning it often ironically lessens the impact of that.

She told me that she would make her decision via email on the Monday.

Maybe I'm old fashioned(I am), but something with that import and she would chose email as the conduit? I must be getting old.

That Monday nothing so I sent her a text message the Tuesday saying how about I pick you up after work. She sent me an sms back to say that i was pressuring her.

Second word to the wise, if someone wants space, give it to them. Even if they pick days or times. Sit tight and let them do the running.

However when I last saw her on Sunday 20 May she was with a friend and had to go on an emergency to deal with a situation with her.

Possible excuse alert.

On the Sunday night I got the terrible news about my friend. I went completely blotto and tried to call her a coupel of times and sent her a couple of text messages to say that I need to talk to you and that I love you.

Naturally. Did you mention your friend in the SMS'? I say this, just because that would be the natural thing to do. If not, how would she know why you were so persistent?

I became angry and sent her some insulting texts.

Bad move but understandable in the circumstances.

When I met her on Wednesday it became clear to me that on the Sunday evening she had made her mind up to be with me, but lo and behold fate intervened and I went completely mad.

Yes and no. Lets imagine she had really made her mind up about you. Surely something quite minor in the scheme of things wouldn't make her flip 180 degrees in the other direction? Me, I don't buy it. I really don't. If she loved you and made a decision based on that love I can't see anyone making such an about turn.

but she interpreted my behaviour as weird, erratic and uncomfortable when in fact it was a different reason.

OK I see where you're coming from, but if I'm with someone and everything was normally just peachy and suddenly she started acting weird and erratic I would cop on that something was up. Duh, anyone would. The point I'm making is something triggered this response in her. Two possibilities as I see it; 1) you've been weird and erratic before and that was a big bugbear for her in the relationship, or 2) she was looking for any excuse to remove you from the picture now that her ex is back on the scene.

I asked her when we can meet again and she said she doesnt know due to the fact that the work roster doesnt get published until Sunday.

Possible excuse alert number two. IMHO no work roster will stop anyone from meeting the person they love, unless she's got a job as the speaking clock 24/7/365 days a year.

I really dont want to lose her and if I did it would be painful for me, unlucky and unfortuante and involved matters completely beyond my control.

Harsh bit alert. Look, you've already lost her. the relationship you had is now gone. She's accepted a proposal from someone else. A someone else she had a longterm relationship with. A someone else she was in secret contact with while you were together. You can attempt to renew a relationship, a new relationship with her, but it would be difficult. Not impossible but difficult. The first step on that road is to let her go strangely enough. Confucius he say; "You can't throw away something that truly belongs to you". (he did actually say that. Very sensible bloke)

I forgive her and would take her back in a heartbeat.

I understand that. I really do. You have to ask yourself the question, why? Outsider view. You've been dumped. She is now with an ex. A longterm ex she was secretly in contact with. A longterm ex that has proposed to her. A proposal she has accepted. An acceptance you reckon was due to a one off blip in your relationship. It doesn't add up for me. Especially the last part. Why accept that? If you got her back the things that broke up up before would happen again if both of you weren't up for working at it. What makes you think she's willing to work at it? More to the point are you willing to work on the things that may have contributed to the breakup? For her or anyone else in the future. Indeed for the most important person in all of this, YOU.

Its been a crushing blow to my confidence and self esteem. I'm a straight forward, honest, easy going happy go lucky guy but right now I have never felt so down hearted. Its like something inside me just died.

BIG word to the wise. Of course rejection is terrible. One of the reasons it's terrible is that it often exposes all too clearly what you really think about yourself. That's the rub. The solution? Realise your worth. Easily typed, far harder to implement. The thing is you don't actually need anyone but yourself. You may want someone on your life, yes, but you shouldn't need them to feel a complete human being. Indeed when you feel yourself to be a complete human being, the addition of another only serves to enhance the relationshp for the both of you. How do you do this? Firstly think about you not "them". Work on you. Work on being the best you you can be. You're a unique human being, with a unique way of looking at the world, with a unique set of emotions to share. Actually fúcking realise this and you will be happier and anyone who shares you life will be far happier for the addition of you in it.

The time frame, well she was out of teh counry on holidays from 5 to 21 June minus the guy so there might be chance she may turn around to me especially after hearing the facts and what really happened.

Facts are fine, but again I don't see how these "facts" are going to trun her around from the course she has decided on. I'm probably wrong but there it is. I always reckon actions speak louder than words and her actions seem pretty clear

I dont know but my God in my love life I have had nothing but bad luck. I'm a good person and would do a turn for anyone but i didnt deserve this.

As Clint Eastwood said in Unforgiven, "Deserves got nothin to do with it". You have control over only one thing in this life, you. That's it. You can choose to be brought low by this and everyone would be brought low for a time. The real trick is to finally understand that your happiness, your real, true happiness is down to you and you alone. Does this make you selfish? No. Working on you and what you feel are your shortcomings and more to the point accentuating your talents and good points, will make your life better and make the lives of those around you so much the better for your unique presence in their lives.

I suspect the Spanish lassie is pretty far from your mind now. Funny how things turn around. Experience is a costly master and the biggest cost is our mistakes. It's a price worth paying though as mistakes are the stepping stones to a better you if you let them be.

Sheesh that last bit should be on Oprah. Good god, I'm a hippy.

Trust me if you learn from this, in years to come you'll be very grateful for the lesson.

Awful Scut

OP,

I'm going out with a Spanish girl for over six years and have lived there for a couple of years in my time. So I feel relatively qualified to offer the following advice:

If you're interested in this girl, send her the fcuking flowers.

Why? Because that is how it's done in Spain, the extravagant gesture, the whole boy chasing girl thing. What comes across here as over the top and cheesy is the way its done down there. Even if she's not interested in you, she will still see the flowers as a very nice gesture as opposed to freaking out as it's over the top.

Just my advice, for what it's worth, from observing the difference between the Spanish mating ritual and its Irish equivalent. It may well be that you've got yourself a cynical young espanola, but from the sounds of it I doubt it. Learning a few words of the lingo like 'Hola guapa' might go down well too. Though I wouldn't necessarily shmooze on the card with the flowers, just keep it simple.

Christ, wish I was such an expert with my own relationship.:o

Wibbs

Awful Scut, I take your point about the whole mating ritual diffs an all, but have you read the whole background to this? The Spanish woman isn't the issue really. Let's say he did get further, how is this hypothetical new relationship supposed to work out considering he's still "in" another relationship?

Partizan

Youre right Wibbs, I've got bigger fish to fry right now . I'll keep you posted on any updates.

Kell

Partizan wrote:

This is the second painful break up that I have been through within the last 2 1/2 years.

Two relationships in the short a period of time is too many my friend. Take time out for quite a while and figure out why you think you need to have someone in your life. When you are happy out in your own company for an extended period of time, then think about what you want in a girlfriend, then go find her and dont take second bests.

Partizan wrote:

I dont know but my God in my love life I have had nothing but bad luck.

Nothing to do with luck my friend. I would have thought the same about my own situation up to about three years ago, but introspection has led me to realise the mistakes I made brought me disasters, not what someone else did to me.

Chin up and really sorry to hear about your mate. Cant imagine where your head is at right now.

K-

DD

hey, what are u waiting for? just send her some white flowers and a postcard and wishing her the best...why to wait
whats so much to think about it, send her flowers and a friendly note .. and see what happens after

Partizan

Jesus, my head is wrecked at the mo with all the different advice than I'm getting and with the ex on my mind. I text her a couple of times over the weekend looking to meet up with her again this week before I go on holidays and she hasnt replid back.

What gives? I know where she works should I call over?

boffin

Partizan wrote:

Jesus, my head is wrecked at the mo with all the different advice than I'm getting and with the ex on my mind. I text her a couple of times over the weekend looking to meet up with her again this week before I go on holidays and she hasnt replid back.

What gives? I know where she works should I call over?

Quite simply - NO.

If she wanted to speak to you then she would have replied - ok i haven't read the whole thread but so far I've gathered that you are going through a very tough time. Her behaviour seems to be worsening your feelings rather than supporting you and helping you through this. I think you should really ask yourself whether you really want to be with someone like that. A partner should be there for you in these times and she doesn't appear to be helping or supporting you in any way.

Fwaggle

Partizan wrote:

Jesus, my head is wrecked at the mo with all the different advice than I'm getting and with the ex on my mind. I text her a couple of times over the weekend looking to meet up with her again this week before I go on holidays and she hasnt replid back.

What gives? I know where she works should I call over?

Jesus Christ - take a hint!

Wibbs

Partizan wrote:

Jesus, my head is wrecked at the mo with all the different advice than I'm getting and with the ex on my mind.

No what you're doing is reading misguided advice from those who obviously haven't read the whole thread(Awful Scut and dianaangeleyes to name but two). "Oh he likes a girl so what should he do" is all they've read.

They've clearly missed the whole point which is you still haven't gotten over your recent long term relationship. You've had a couple of back to back long termers which have ended badly. You seem to find it hard just to be by yourself and you've recently lost a good friend to suicide. All of these together are not a good foundation for any relationship at the moment. Your head's melted and you're looking for an emotional crutch to get over this. You won't. You need to form a decent healthy long term relationship with the one person you'll always have, yourself. That will make you get through this, not over it. That's the person you should be concentrating on at the moment. You.

I text her a couple of times over the weekend looking to meet up with her again this week before I go on holidays and she hasnt replid back.

The ex? I'm sorry now, but FFS! I really think you're obsessing here. You need to stop panicking, feeling sorry for yourself and let it and her go. Just LET IT GO. She has. She's with someone else. She's giving you excuses like work rosters and all that crap(just like the Spanish wan with "the mobile can't txt here"). If she wanted you back, she would run after you. She would make time to ring you, to meet you, to get you back. She hasn't. There are 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in every hour of that day. Are you seriously asking yourself to believe that she couldn't spare just 3 or 5 or 10 of those minutes to at least ring you? Are you seriously asking yourself to believe that she isn't making the time to ring text email and meet the new guy in her life? Of course she is, he's her boyfriend. Read this again and again, if she wanted you back, work or lack of time or any of that other crap would not stand in her way. When she was going out with you in the early great stages of the relationship did she find the time to be around you? Of course she did. Why can't she do that now, if she may want you back? She can't or won't because she doesn't. You need to stop making excuses for her and start looking at your own life and work on you. Work to make the best you that you can be. Do that and you will have no problems with people in your life, women included. Trust me on that.

What gives? I know where she works should I call over?

Hnag on two women in your life that you want to call into where they work? NO! Full stop. End of. If you do you will look like and indeed be a pathetic needy stalker in her eyes. Do you honestly think that's going to sway her back to you? Honestly? From what you wrote before, it does sound like this needy obsessive behaviour is what soured this ex relationship in the first place. More and more of the same will just rightly make her think she has made exactly the right decision to leave you. If you leave her alone and let her do the running it'll ironically put you back in the driving seat. It won't get her back, but she will respect you more. I'll be truthful with you and I'm sorry for saying it, but if a female friend of mine was in this situation with a guy like you're describing yourself to be here, I would warn her to steer well clear. You need to work on yourself now, before you involve someone else.

boffin

Wibbs wrote:

No what you're doing is reading misguided advice from those who obviously haven't read the whole thread(Awful Scut and dianaangeleyes to name but two). "Oh he likes a girl so what should he do" is all they've read.

They've clearly missed the whole point which is you still haven't gotten over your recent long term relationship. You've had a couple of back to back long termers which have ended badly. You seem to find it hard just to be by yourself and you've recently lost a good friend to suicide. All of these together are not a good foundation for any relationship at the moment. Your head's melted and you're looking for an emotional crutch to get over this. You won't. You need to form a decent healthy long term relationship with the one person you'll always have, yourself. That will make you get through this, not over it. That's the person you should be concentrating on at the moment. You. The ex? I'm sorry now, but FFS! I really think you're obsessing here. You need to stop panicking, feeling sorry for yourself and let it and her go. Just LET IT GO. She has. She's with someone else. She's giving you excuses like work rosters and all that crap(just like the Spanish wan with "the mobile can't txt here"). If she wanted you back, she would run after you. She would make time to ring you, to meet you, to get you back. She hasn't. There are 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in every hour of that day. Are you seriously asking yourself to believe that she couldn't spare just 3 or 5 or 10 of those minutes to at least ring you? Are you seriously asking yourself to believe that she isn't making the time to ring text email and meet the new guy in her life? Of course she is, he's her boyfriend. Read this again and again, if she wanted you back, work or lack of time or any of that other crap would not stand in her way. When she was going out with you in the early great stages of the relationship did she find the time to be around you? Of course she did. Why can't she do that now, if she may want you back? She can't or won't because she doesn't. You need to stop making excuses for her and start looking at your own life and work on you. Work to make the best you that you can be. Do that and you will have no problems with people in your life, women included. Trust me on that.
Hnag on two women in your life that you want to call into where they work? NO! Full stop. End of. If you do you will look like and indeed be a pathetic needy stalker in her eyes. Do you honestly think that's going to sway her back to you? Honestly? From what you wrote before, it does sound like this needy obsessive behaviour is what soured this ex relationship in the first place. More and more of the same will just rightly make her think she has made exactly the right decision to leave you. If you leave her alone and let her do the running it'll ironically put you back in the driving seat. It won't get her back, but she will respect you more. I'll be truthful with you and I'm sorry for saying it, but if a female friend of mine was in this situation with a guy like you're describing yourself to be here, I would warn her to steer well clear. You need to work on yourself now, before you involve someone else.

I completely agree and would have written all of this if I could express myself as well as Wibbs...

Read, re-read and if in doubt OP re read Wibbs post. You need to work on being happy with yourself and develop the skills that enable you to deal with the emotional struggles that life throws at you instead of using these women as an emotional cutch.

Partizan

Wibbs wrote:

No NO! Full stop. End of. If you do you will look like and indeed be a pathetic needy stalker in her eyes. Do you honestly think that's going to sway her back to you? Honestly? From what you wrote before, it does sound like this needy obsessive behaviour is what soured this ex relationship in the first place. More and more of the same will just rightly make her think she has made exactly the right decision to leave you. If you leave her alone and let her do the running it'll ironically put you back in the driving seat. It won't get her back, but she will respect you more. I'll be truthful with you and I'm sorry for saying it, but if a female friend of mine was in this situation with a guy like you're describing yourself to be here, I would warn her to steer well clear. You need to work on yourself now, before you involve someone else.

ah hang on a sec, :mad: you are way too harsh here. The fact is this guy came back in and I got short changed. I'm not some needy pathetic stalker as you make me out to be. I'm the most easy going and laid back guy you could ever meet, but what caused my erractic behaviour was the death of my close friend and the original email that she sent me at the beginning of May telling me of what happened. That coupled with the thought of her with some other guy(during the period in which she was thinking it over) would cause any person even the most calm of us to change. I did not contact her in any shape or form for 3 weeks after her final email. How am I a stalker?

I'm just so unlucky I think that all this came together at the once. FFS I told her and you all what happened. What would you do in that situation?

I simply needed a shoulder to cry on after hearing the terrible news. How is that in trying to ring her sound desperate.

P.S. in February I brought her off to Galway for a Valentines Weekend in which we had a great time. However a week later without any explanation she stated that she needed time to be by herself in which I gave her 5-6 weeks and we got back together. Overall a very confused and insecure young lady.

That should throw the cat among the pidgeons regarding the compulsive stalker theory.

LegacyUser

Seriously OP, take some time out for yourself. Leave your ex alone. Yes you were short changed by her going back to her ex but that is her decision. Steer clear of her. You're making the situation so much worse for yourself by ringing/texting her. You need to take time out for yourself, you need to grieve for your friend and you need to get your head around the end of the relationship. Use your upcoming holiday to get some distance. Don't contact your ex again, youre coming across as needy and obsessive.

TheBigLebowski

Partizan wrote:

That should throw the cat among the pidgeons regarding the compulsive stalker theory.

I doubt it. So you left her alone for a few weeks. I'm sure you still obsessed...

Why dont you just see sense and forget about this spanish chick.