The other woman?

LegacyUser

I’m in this situation at the moment and I have to say I’ve found it hard

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055112814

We met a few months ago in work and after a couple of dates, he told me he had a girlfriend and said things were going awful with her, he said they hadn’t had sex in months despite only seeing each other about 18 months, He asked me to wait until he ended things properly and that he had tried to end it but she was a bit unstable wouldn’t hear of it and that he’d hurt her before hadn’t the heart to do it again and he said he was waiting for her to end it.
I said I wouldn’t but who know when it happened maybe I’d be single so we emailed and texted for about 2 months
We met a few times and kissed but it was harmless.
In the last month things I got impatient and eventually handed in my notice with the intention of it being an ultimatum for him to realise what it would be like without him being able to see me at all (this was done with the advice of my father who I consulted on the issue) and the last couple of weeks of the job things got sexual.
Its been a couple of weeks since I seen him and we have been texting and emailing constantly, sex is out of the equation completely now and I’ve no doubt that he is mad about me and is suffereing over this but realistically I don’t want to be the other woman and being with another woman’s man also I

He wants to date me and bring me away but I’m doubtful as I don’t want to get hurt and I’ve broached my concern’s over this to him so he is aware
I just want to try and get people’s opinion or experiences over situations like this

biko

Mmmm, lots of cake for that guy. I like the twist where you threaten to leave work and instead of cutting ties you continued seeing him and had sex.

You can continue seeing him but now I don't think that he will let go of the first girlfriend. You should start seeing other people so as to phase him out of your life.

Is a guy that would cheat for a long time on his gf (and get away with it) with you really such a great guy? Give it a year or four and he might stop having sex with you and the cycle repeats.

McGinty

As someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation my advice is let go, head for the hills and cease all contact, he is not going to dump his girlfriend plus he sounds pretty pathetic. If he was really into you he would dump his girlfriend, no ifs, buts, whys or hows. I'm sorry but it is a fact, a man in love (genuinely so) will pull out all the stops to get the woman he wants, I know this because I have seen men do this. They have left their current partner/wife, had to suffer the pain of hurting someone and braved that storm to be with the new person who they deeply care for.

This guy is giving you a sob story about his girlfriend and you have only his word for it, why would someone stay with someone they are unhappy with? It is unfair of him to cheat behind his girlfriend's back and to bitch and moan about her. If you want to be with someone just for sex then fair enough but it sounds like to me you like this guy and want to be with him. Judge him on his actions not his words. I say this because I made a similar mistake in the past until I woke and faced facts, and saw that the man in question enjoyed bitching about his girlfriend plus getting a nice warm bed for the night, whilst I got very little out of it.

jubi lee

if he truely wanted to leave her for you.. he would do...
he hasn't...

if he has cheated on her, he will cheat on you.

break it off and move on.

Wibbs

don'tknow wrote:

We met a few months ago in work and after a couple of dates, he told me he had a girlfriend

How very noble of him to be so honest:rolleyes: .

and said things were going awful with her, he said they hadn’t had sex in months despite only seeing each other about 18 months, He asked me to wait until he ended things properly and that he had tried to end it but she was a bit unstable wouldn’t hear of it and that he’d hurt her before hadn’t the heart to do it again and he said he was waiting for her to end it.

Yea the old my wife/GF/husband/BF doesn't understand me line. You know what all of those lines are? Excuses. Simple as. If he actually had a pair he would make a decision and stick to it. The "I don't have the heart to hurt her" line is particularly risible. He doesn't have the heart to hurt her yet has little problem having an affair with you? That makes it alright then. If you are in a commited relationship, you stick with it, until such times as one or both of you feel such commitment is no longer warranted then you split up. It's not rocket science.

We met a few times and kissed but it was harmless.

Interesting choice of words. How "harmless" would you think that was if you were the girlfriend? This is not an attack on you BTW, just an observation. He needs to stop making excuses and you need to stop making them for him.

In the last month things I got impatient and eventually handed in my notice with the intention of it being an ultimatum for him to realise what it would be like without him being able to see me at all (this was done with the advice of my father who I consulted on the issue) and the last couple of weeks of the job things got sexual.

TBH dramatics like this are not advisable. Certainly not advisable over a man who can't or won't have the spine to do the right thing by his girlfriend and you.

and I’ve no doubt that he is mad about me

He probably thinks he is mad about you, but if he was a man worthy of your attentions, surely he would make an effort to resolve this? He isn't. Doesn't make him much of a catch, now does it?

and is suffereing over this

He wouldn't be if he grew a pair. Fact.

but realistically I don’t want to be the other woman and being with another woman’s man also I

Rightfully so. Why take second best? Especially from someone who claims to be "mad about you", yet leaves you in this position. That's not love, that's not even approaching good manners. If he's like this now at the early "moon in june" stage, what's he going to be like down the line when you have to deal with each other as people and not just lovers. That's without the whole current GF elephant in the room.

He wants to date me and bring me away but I’m doubtful as I don’t want to get hurt and I’ve broached my concern’s over this to him so he is aware

He's aware is he? Good for him. Then why doesn't he do the right thing? He's planning to date and take you away while still going out with someone? He's extracting the urine surely? Read this again, he wants to go out with you and bring you on a dirty weekend while he still has a girlfriend? There's your answer. I'm sure if your father heard that, he would be giving you different advice not a million miles away from mine.

I just want to try and get people’s opinion or experiences over situations like this

They always end badly. Any relationship started in cheating, lying and indecision is doomed to failure. 99 times out of 100 for the same reasons it got started.

My advice? Walk away. Get someone better(which will not be difficult). From my reading of it, if this "man" was stringing along one of my female friends like this I would give her the same advice. You need to be the adult here and make this decision as clearly he's not capable of doing so.

LegacyUser

biko wrote:

Mmmm, lots of cake for that guy. I like the twist where you threaten to leave work and instead of cutting ties you continued seeing him and had sex.

You can continue seeing him but now I don't think that he will let go of the first girlfriend. You should start seeing other people so as to phase him out of your life.

Is a guy that would cheat for a long time on his gf (and get away with it) with you really such a great guy? Give it a year or four and he might stop having sex with you and the cycle repeats.

When i left work i stopped having sex with him
When i said he couldn't see me anymore I meant it, its just now I'm having second thoughts but I'm determined to keep sex out of it

John Mason

he is never going to leave his g/f for you, and your father told you to leave work to make him leave his girlfriend

Maple

forget him and move on. he's not going to dump his girlfriend while he still has the comfort and the illicit thrill of you on the sidelines. just stop all contact. if he's serious about wanting you he'll do what he has to do to have you in his life.

AngryBadger

Classic example of not seeing the wood for the trees.

I doubt seriously that this guy has any real feelings for you. Whatever you're basing this "exchange" on is probably driven by the excitement of being with someone while his girlfriend doesn't know about it, not because he has any real feeelings for you. Even if he actually thinks he does once the girlfriend is out of the picture the "passion" will quickly die in your "relationship" because the edge provided by the risk of getting caught will be gone. You'll no longer be his tantalising-weekend-lady-on-the-side, now you'll be his grilfriend and he'll have a new tantalising-weekend-lady-on-the-side who he'll be promising to dump you for.

How you don't see this for what it is baffles me. The guy is using you to get a thrill. And you're stupid enough to play along with it. Everyone who's responded has chorused the notion that he is using you ad you are a naieve fool for allowing him to do so. If you haven't gotten the message by now you'r e not going to.

smileysurfer

run for the hills id say!!!
hes not gonna leave the girlfriend by the sounds of it and your not happy being the other woman(rightly so)
so go find yourself a single man who has more respect for you than this cheater!!!!

dudara

This reads exactly like every other thread on this subject that I've seen in my years here in PI.

Stop deluding yourself. You are the other woman, there is only one good way out of this situation. You have to leave him well alone.

And why on God's earth did you continue seeing him after he said he had a girlfriend? That I just can't comprehend.

Caryatnid

Wibbs wrote:

blah blah blah

Wibbs - you said everything I wanted to say. OP, I totally agree with everything here.

LegacyUser

'Well I seen him at the weekend and he told me he finished everything with her
He told me what happened and how he explained to her how he's been feeling

He also said he wanted to spend a lot more time with me and that he wanted to make up for everything I'd went through during the last couple of months
We spent most of the weekend together which was free of her stuff I might add which really relieved me. I also met his close friends from school, a couple of them ad been aware of his situation and said they were glad to meet me finally and they all made me feel really welcome which was great as I was so completely nervous.
I want to take things really slowly now so as to not put pressure on either of us.
There was a doubt in my mind that I'd end up getting hurt and being told I told you so by my friends also'

CathyMoran

From the other side, I was dumped by someone after they had an affair, he only lasted 2 months with her and was begging me to come back. While it is good for you that he appears to have left her I would not be certain that you have a long term future together, as others have said, once the thrill is gone of you being his "bit on the side" he will probably look for some more thrills elsewhere. Sorry if I seem so harsh, I was badly hurt by someone like you.

DublinWriter

don'tknow wrote:

I just want to try and get people’s opinion or experiences over situations like this

Over the years I've had about half-a-dozen close female mates get into the same situation.

Almost, without expection, the guy never leaves. You'll be too far out of his comfort zone for him to make any huge life-changing decisions for him to want to be with you full-time.

And again, the other common thing I heard relate is the amount of guff you'll be told to get you into the sack. The most common one is "our marriage/relationship is techinically over...we only stay together for the kids...we sleep in seperate beds". Yada yada.

Basically, he has to put up or shut up and be man enough to stop stringing you along for away matches.

Chinafoot

CathyMoran wrote:

From the other side, I was dumped by someone after they had an affair, he only lasted 2 months with her and was begging me to come back. While it is good for you that he appears to have left her I would not be certain that you have a long term future together, as others have said, once the thrill is gone of you being his "bit on the side" he will probably look for some more thrills elsewhere. Sorry if I seem so harsh, I was badly hurt by someone like you.

While I agree with the majority of your post I completely disagree with your last line. The other woman had no responsibility to you. Your boyfriend did.

OP, I'd agree with those who say walk away. If anything there would be a lot of baggage and you could very well be a rebound relationship for him.

carnival_joe

You were with someone you knew was in a relationship? I'm sorry, but thats wrong. I too had that done to me, by someone who knew me. Its awful. I have no sympathy for you at all. You got yourself into the mess, and he will cheat on you too. Its what guys like that do. Although you will deserve it....his ex probably didn't.

Yes thats harsh, so what? Why should someone who got involved with an unavailable man get sympathy and niceness. What a horrible thing to do to another human being- both you and him deserve eachother. Friends of people like him act nice to all their girlfriends. Its called being a wingman. He apparantly has good ones. Maybe you should cop on, grow up, leave the situation and get a nice single, faithful guy. Sure it'll take longer. but guess what? There will be little if any of the hassle you'll get with this guy.

LegacyUser

'

DublinWriter wrote:

Over the years I've had about half-a-dozen close female mates get into the same situation.

Almost, without expection, the guy never leaves. You'll be too far out of his comfort zone for him to make any huge life-changing decisions for him to want to be with you full-time.

And again, the other common thing I heard relate is the amount of guff you'll be told to get you into the sack. The most common one is "our marriage/relationship is techinically over...we only stay together for the kids...we sleep in seperate beds". Yada yada.

Basically, he has to put up or shut up and be man enough to stop stringing you along for away matches.

He left her for me already, did you not read it properly!
The risk of him doing that to me is yes I know one to take but we are getting on so well! I can handle the karmic retribution over something like this happening anyway is it really bad if he was unhappy in the 1st place!
People this was done to me before also which is why i didn't sexually get involved with him for about 3 months

We are going away for the weekend soon also!'

tritium

don'tknow wrote:

'Well I seen him at the weekend and he told me he finished everything with her

Did he now. It may just be my suspicious mind at work here but that doesn't tend to be the way these things happen. Usually the partner who's being cheated on finds out and throws the scumbag out, so the easy line is the 'Oh I finished it for you, blah, blah'

TBH this guy sounds like a classic philandering jerk. Having seen close up the damage these peple do to their victims with their self-absorbed, self-pitying lies all I can advise you is to get out of this before you get hurt badly.

That said it sounds like you've accepted all you've been told as gospel on this. I'd really suggest you do some sniffing around to find out other sides of the story, for example his ex's. Believe me you wouldn't be the first to fall for these kinds of lines and lies. I've seen good smart intelligent friends of mine lied to for years and strung along by the sick illusions these parasites can weave.

If nothing else be careful and protect yourself

kelly1979

While I agree with the majority of your post I completely disagree with your line. The other woman had no responsibility to you. Your boyfriend did. -chinafoot.

I agree with this, too many women blame the other woman, again this was done to me and the loyalty's should lie with the man, i have a huge amount of sympathy for women who didn't know about a girlfriend, however, i feel anyone who does know that the man/ women has a partner deserves all they get, karma's a bitch.

there's two sides to every story, and i believe his girlfriends side would paint a totally different picture, probably that she found out that he was cheating and kicked him out and therefore came running to you (sorry it's harsh, but it would be worse to disillusion you).

I'd say what everyone else is saying and forget him.

LegacyUser

Its been two weeks since he dumped her and she moved all her stuff out last week his apt is now free of anything she would have had there (which is a great relief)
We have been having a brilliant time seeing each other nearly every night I've stayed in his a dozen or more times already and if he's not with me he's texting me or calling me. He's seems a lot happier and I'm glad he's free of the emotional blackmail.
I told him I didn't want to know about the break-up or anything like that as whether I liked it or not I was the catalyst for this woman’s unhappiness, he just told me not to feel bad as his relationship was broken down long before we met.
I'm happy anyway for the 1st time in a long while. He's a very considerate boyfriend and is constantly affectionate with me; he's so sweet all the time. Its 10 times better now I can stay in his and introduce him to friends.
I'm glad now that I didn't listen to people when they told me to give up on him.

Wibbs

don'tknow wrote:

'

He left her for me already, did you not read it properly!

Oh I read it alright. I agree with the last two posters in thinking he got his marching orders.

The risk of him doing that to me is yes I know one to take but we are getting on so well!

I'm sure his ex thought the same for quite a while.

I can handle the karmic retribution over something like this happening anyway

.....

is it really bad if he was unhappy in the 1st place!

It's not his unhappiness at issue. It's the manner in which he dealt with his unhappiness.

People this was done to me before also which is why i didn't sexually get involved with him for about 3 months

3 Day or 3 months the results pretty much the same.

We are going away for the weekend soon also!'

Which would have happened anyway, from my reading of it. I don't see that's relevant TBH. You're working on gut here, not brains. I hope it works out for you. I really do. My main worry for you is that this guy doesn't seem to act in a responsible, mature manner. That's the big issue. Not now in the honeymoon phase, but that may be the issue later, if he doesn't grow a pair and grow up.

kelly1979 wrote:

I'd say what everyone else is saying and forget him.

She won't, until she gets burned by him. Even then it may take a while. Standard fare really.

hanni1234

Hate women like you

hanni1234

Hate women like you

CathyMoran

don'tknow wrote:

Its been two weeks since he dumped her and she moved all her stuff out last week his apt is now free of anything she would have had there (which is a great relief)
We have been having a brilliant time seeing each other nearly every night I've stayed in his a dozen or more times already and if he's not with me he's texting me or calling me. He's seems a lot happier and I'm glad he's free of the emotional blackmail.
I told him I didn't want to know about the break-up or anything like that as whether I liked it or not I was the catalyst for this woman’s unhappiness, he just told me not to feel bad as his relationship was broken down long before we met.
I'm happy anyway for the 1st time in a long while. He's a very considerate boyfriend and is constantly affectionate with me; he's so sweet all the time. Its 10 times better now I can stay in his and introduce him to friends.
I'm glad now that I didn't listen to people when they told me to give up on him.

As I have said before, you may still be dumped by him. You remind me of the woman who tried to take my then boyfriend. Sure, he went off with her for a while but she was a symbol of what was wrong in our relationship, not the right girl for him...he had to beg to get back with me. I think that what you are doing is morally wrong and that karma is going to give you massive payback.

hanni1234

What goes around comes around. Happened to my Dad's ex tramp in a big big way

LegacyUser

don'tknow wrote:

'

He left her for me already, !
'

So you won!!!!!!!
Enjoy your prize!!!!!!!!

Hope thing's stay good for ye because you know what will happen if they don't.

LegacyUser

'I think you're all a bit bitter here because she didnt take your advice and things have worked out for her.

Cut her some slack, I hope she's happy.'

Pyjamarama

Wibbs wrote:

How very noble of him to be so honest:rolleyes: .

My sentiments exactly!

Good luck with it OP but my only warning is relationships that start by one partner cheating can carry more issues than this partner cheating in the new relationship. I've often seen happen that the new partner cannot trust the former cheater, gets very paranoid and controlling if they meet up with friends of the opposite sex. Former cheater gets p**sed off and has to break up woth them. Not saying this will happen but just wonder if it's possible to trust someone 100% if you start a relationship in this way?

Wibbs

bitter much? wrote:

'I think you're all a bit bitter here because she didnt take your advice and things have worked out for her.

They have worked out for her at the moment. The early stages of any romance are great(or should be). The real test starts when they have to deal with each other warts and all. As real people as opposed to images that they are both projecting. That usually cuts in around the 6 month mark. It can be later(up to 2 yrs in my exp., but usually earlier). In any case the end doesn't always justify the means. that's what has people getting worked up about. Also past trend are good indicators of future events. Not always, but the majority of the time they do.

Cut her some slack, I hope she's happy.'

So do I. Time will always tell.

Pyjamarama wrote:

Good luck with it OP but my only warning is relationships that start by one partner cheating can carry more issues than this partner cheating in the new relationship.

True.

'Ive often seen happen that the new partner cannot trust the former cheater, gets very paranoid and controlling if they meet up with friends of the opposite sex.

Especially after the honeymoon period wears off.

Not saying this will happen but just wonder if it's possible to trust someone 100% if you start a relationship in this way?

It can work out, but it's rare and personally I wouldn't. For a start it's usually a very bad sign if someone hops straight from one relationship to the next without a break. Shows a lack of backbone in leaving an existing bad relationship until something "better" comes along. It shows they're afraid to be alone. Not good either. Add infidelity to the mix and it's a recipe for disaster, longterm. Now a some will bleat, "but we're different", but that's rarely the case.

seahorse

I can’t remember if you said whether they'd lived together OP, but I'm assuming they likely did after eight years. Even if they didn’t, you can be sure she was as comfortable in his place as to consider it a second home. In light of that, the point that I'd be focusing on here, and the one thing that'd have jumped out to me, is this: If the home they shared is now stripped bare of everything she owns there is one reason for that; because she wanted it to be.

Another thing worthy of consideration is that you are only hearing his version of events, and in reality you have absolutely no unbiased information regarding what actually passed between them. Everything he tells you will be first run through the public relations department of his brain. I'd be very cautious here if I were you, and I'd also not be expecting to have heard the last of her. No matter how well you are getting on with him at the moment, you cannot wipe out eight years of memories, for either of them.

Dragan

What ever happned to sisters looking out for each other and all that?

OP, your "boyfriend" has, through past actions, proven himself to be a miserable excuse for a man. I suggest you walk away and save yourself the tears down the line.

Trinity

hanni1234 wrote:

What goes around comes around. Happened to my Dad's ex tramp in a big big way

And what happened your Dad?

Zombrex

don'tknow wrote:

He's a very considerate boyfriend and is constantly affectionate with me; he's so sweet all the time.

Clearly he isn't since he had an affair behind his girlfriends back and then strung her along for weeks on the pretense that he didn't want to hurt her (even calling her "unstable"), which simply means he didn't have the cuts to tell her the truth and make himself feel guilty.

Its very easy to buy flowers, or ask you who your day is. Its the moments when push comes to shove that measure a person.

seahorse

seahorse wrote:

I can’t remember if you said whether they'd lived together OP, but I'm assuming they likely did after eight years. Even if they didn’t, you can be sure she was as comfortable in his place as to consider it a second home. In light of that, the point that I'd be focusing on here, and the one thing that'd have jumped out to me, is this: If the home they shared is now stripped bare of everything she owns there is one reason for that; because she wanted it to be.

Another thing worthy of consideration is that you are only hearing his version of events, and in reality you have absolutely no unbiased information regarding what actually passed between them. Everything he tells you will be first run through the public relations department of his brain. I'd be very cautious here if I were you, and I'd also not be expecting to have heard the last of her. No matter how well you are getting on with him at the moment, you cannot wipe out eight years of memories, for either of them.

Are you reading the same thread I am, Didn’t the OP say 18 months not 8 years.
I think the link was in ref to the same kind of situation
I have to laugh at how little people actually read the details

seahorse

coolsmileygirl wrote:

Are you reading the same thread I am, Didn’t the OP say 18 months not 8 years.
I think the link was in ref to the same kind of situation
I have to laugh at how little people actually read the details

So she did; I've just gone back to check. TBH I think the person here who should be keeping a close eye on the details is the OP, because in light of that particular detail I'd find her situation even less enviable. I mean, now I realise we're talking about a man who's willing to cheat when he's barely out of the honeymoon period! :eek:

I suppose if it doesn't work it doesn't work as always

Bottle_of_Smoke

seahorse wrote:

So she did; I've just gone back to check. TBH I think the person here who should be keeping a close eye on the details is the OP, because in light of that particular detail I'd find her situation even less enviable. I mean, now I realise we're talking about a man who's willing to cheat when he's barely out of the honeymoon period! :eek:

What like every other guy she meets is gonna be infallible? Read a survey today saying 25% of the quota answering admitted to cheating on partners. The quota included women too, who (I could be worng about this) I would suspect are less likely to cheat.

OP best of luck. Don't let his past mess with your head. Plenty of guys get stuck with the wrong girl & feel too guilty to leave. I understand it could suggest a lack of backbone but if she's mentally unstable & they were living together I can see how this ended up happening.

Talliesin

don'tknow wrote:

he had tried to end it but she was a bit unstable wouldn’t hear of it and that he’d hurt her before hadn’t the heart to do it again and he said he was waiting for her to end it.

Taking that at face value - giving him the benefit of the doubt, assuming he's completely upfront, etc. etc.

He still doesn't exactly sound like a catch.

seahorse

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

What like every other guy she meets is gonna be infallible? Read a survey today saying 25% of the quota answering admitted to cheating on partners. The quota included women too, who (I could be worng about this) I would suspect are less likely to cheat.

"Admitted" being the operative word; that 25% is a vast underestimation I'd be willing to bet, gender irrespective.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

OP best of luck. Don't let his past mess with your head. Plenty of guys get stuck with the wrong girl & feel too guilty to leave. I understand it could suggest a lack of backbone but if she's mentally unstable & they were living together I can see how this ended up happening.

“Mental instability”, lol!; as for that line in respect of a female girlfriend or wife, I’m sorry; but if I had a hundred quid for every time I heard that, I would, quite literally, have enough money to keep me floating around in a private yacht off the coast of Monte Carlo for quite some time!

OP; please understand I’m not trying to be cruel or hurtful or make a mockery of your circumstances here; I’ve already told you to be careful, and by that I mean of your emotions. I’m not finding any amusement in your situation here.

I would just caution you to keep an eye on this man and his treatment of you. Maybe things will work out ok; it’s not unheard of: I’m just saying you should not assume you can depend on that. Take care.

Seahorse

tritium

don'tknow wrote:

he had tried to end it but she was a bit unstable wouldn’t hear of it and that he’d hurt her before hadn’t the heart to do it again and he said he was waiting for her to end it.

Now maybe I'm reading this wrong, but...When he says he hurt her before, to me that says hes had affairs/ cheated in the past, and was found out. It also says he ended up right back with her. Do you really think this will end any differently?

Read your own post- HE was waiting for HER to end it!! and now you're taking at face value that he just decided to break up with her for you!!!

I've known so many people in your situation. I know that the illusion thats been put there for you is VERY compelling. I've seen how well some people can lie to you and make you feel like you're the only one in their world when they're to self obsessed to care about anyone but themselves. I've seen how they'll pull out all the stops when they need to to pull you back into the illusion if you start to wake up.

And I know that you'll tell me that this is different, because you really believe that it is. And I know how much more that will make it hurt when the illusion is shattered for you. And if I could offer you one little sliver of advice, from someone who, like most of the people posting here, hopes that at the end you end up happy and unhurt, whatever the way you get there, its this:

Don't just take this on faith! If he's honest and for real and cares about you, then asking around and getting other versions of the story shouldn't change that. If you're willing to listen unjudgementally, then finding out what others have to say can't be a bad thing can it?

metrovelvet

seahorse wrote:

“Mental instability”, lol!; as for that line in respect of a female girlfriend or wife, I’m sorry; but if I had a hundred quid for every time I heard that, I would, quite literally, have enough money to keep me floating around in a private yacht off the coast of Monte Carlo for quite some time!


Seahorse

"She's mentally/emotionally unstable" is without a doubt the oldest rationalisation in the book in these and many other situations, as well as being a preemptive method for discrediting the witness should the other side of the story ever be told.

kelly1979

bitter much? wrote:

'I think you're all a bit bitter here because she didnt take your advice and things have worked out for her.

Cut her some slack, I hope she's happy.'

i feel her happiness will come at a price, if you play with fire, expect to get burned.

what i don't understand is the fact that if you were so sure of this man and his intentions why didn't you wait until he had finished with his partner first?!?

Maple

your "boyfriend" lacks backbone. Actually to be perfectly honest he sounds like a despicable creep. And I doubt he dumped her, she probably dumped him and there you were, waiting for him. Didn't it work out perfectly for him?

Maybe it will work out. Doubt it. How will you feel when it hits the 18month mark and he's suddenly being all distant? Maybe you'll be the one then with the "mental instability"?

LegacyUser

I have seen the texts that he gets during the night from her saying does he not care that her parents and friends that they have spilt and saying she will throw herself in front of a dart etc etc if he doesn't take her back
Now I'm sorry but who does that?

Directly after he spilt with her she called the next couple of nights really late (thank god I wasn't there)for her stuff she left there and exclaiming that she might as well stay over as it was late untill he practically threw her out and pack it all up for her!
To be honest this part hasn't been nice witnessing him stressed over her mad texts and seeing him contacting her friends to tell them to watch her. He said things hadn't been right for ages and she had refused to listen before when he had tried to broach the subject
When we met initially I did try hold off anything serious until he ended it as I wanted to find out were his feelings genuine and to be honest
I wasn't exactly going to help him out by saying "Hey this is how you dump her so I won't feel guilty about taking you away from her"

I know he lacked backbone and the situation could have been handled better but really what bloke is good at that stuff and whats done is done and it is done!
I’m with him now and I'm just as capable of hurting him as he is me so I'm just going to try to continue taking it slow and building on our relationship

Bottle_of_Smoke

seahorse wrote:

"Admitted" being the operative word; that 25% is a vast underestimation I'd be willing to bet, gender irrespective.

Yes I intentionally used that word. I think I'd tell the truth but then again I know people who probably would phone their partner with a fake survey:D As so many people are likely to cheat is it really logical to hold previous cheating against someone?

I would just caution you to keep an eye on this man and his treatment of you. Maybe things will work out ok; it’s not unheard of: I’m just saying you should not assume you can depend on that. Take care.

Seahorse

I would say you can never assume you can depend on it working out ok. And probably best keep an eye on all men & how they treat your emotions!

Mrs_Doyle

Right, he went out with her for years, he knows her family, he should contact them, inform them that he is concerned about her let them deal with it, because its not his problem anymore and he shouldn't be so involved.

I would ask him to deal with it as though it were a professional situation
to pass the problem onto her family and then cut contact, in the nicest possible way

Nothing good will come of him being so heavily involved.

To be completely honest, I don't like the sound of him at all.
Based on what you have said, his behaviour to date has not impressed me.
He has been underhanded from the beginning, lying to her and to you, and i think he is lying again.

I think he likes the drama (of the situation) and the attention (from you, and from her) and he is not willing to give it up for either of you.

Wibbs

don'tknow wrote:

I have seen the texts that he gets during the night from her saying does he not care that her parents and friends that they have spilt and saying she will throw herself in front of a dart etc etc if he doesn't take her back
Now I'm sorry but who does that?

Somebody with low self confidence who thinks they need someone in their lives to complete them. Someone who is panicking. Someone who needs a lot of supprt right now, but not from him. He would be as much use as a chocolate fireguard given the impression you've given and his actions so far. Also don't be too surprised if this emotional blackmail gets him thinking down the line.

To be honest this part hasn't been nice witnessing him stressed over her mad texts and seeing him contacting her friends to tell them to watch her. He said things hadn't been right for ages and she had refused to listen before when he had tried to broach the subject

Then he simply didn't go about it the right way.

I know he lacked backbone and the situation could have been handled better

Yes and yes. Also it's not just that lacked backbone, he lacks backbone. Unless something magically changed overnight. Which it didn't So unless he grows both a backbone and a pair this will impact your relationship down the line.

but really what bloke is good at that stuff

You would be surprised. In fact I would consider any man without backbone a poor excuse for the description of the gender. It's a must.

and whats done is done and it is done!

Maybe maybe not. It's only done if he learned from it. It's only done if her emotional blackmail doesn't work down the line and it has worked in the past for her. That and his lack of backbone.

I’m with him now and I'm just as capable of hurting him as he is me so I'm just going to try to continue taking it slow and building on our relationship

Which won't happen until his last relationship is actually out of the way. The fact is you're still living with the impact of it. As Mrs_Doyle points out he's still in many ways between you and her. Also it is the early stage and the newness of the two of you is still in play. Will be for a while too. Just watch the signs of his lack of backbone in his dealings with you. People do change contrary to popular belief, but only if they want to and are capable of learning and moving on. I'm not so sure that this guy is. Not sure at all. If you were my sister or friend I would be advising you to be very careful of this whole situation and not to get caught up in the moment and miss some obvious red flags.

carnival_joe

If you were my friend, I'd tell you take care and back away. He is 99% likely to cheat on you. Its what men like that do. howvere seeing as you're the kind of girl who can get involved with a man like that, it shouldn't surprise you and you'll be cheating on him to.

Hmmm maybe there is a happy ending after all..

Hope his poor ex finds a loving, caring, honest decent man who'll treat her right, won't headfcuk her and won't mess her heart around.

They had a serious relationship, and these things take along time to get over. I would nearly check his alibis for his relationship with her....I'd be very sinical of him

sodrisc

He sounds like a fantastic guy - you two obviously really deserve each other! He he...

John Mason

hope it goes well you but ........

i threw my ex out after he cheated on me - he refused to give me his key back or take his stuff out, so i packed everything and sent it him and changed the locks. i know for a fact he was told her, that he left me and that i was refusing to give him this stuff back and i was phoning him all the time to get him to come back. the only reason i was phoning him was to get his signature to close the joint accounts and to get his **** out of my house. i wouldnt believe anything you boyfriend tells you about the break up.

also about a year after we broke up, he started with the phoning, texting, emailing, calling up telling me what a mistake he had made and how brilliant we were together and how i was his soul mate - then the sex texts started.

so i wouldnt be confident that just because he is with you now that he will never go back to her.

oh, i would never take him back he cheated on me, he cheated on the first love of his life and he is now cheating on his girlfriend with some bird he met on the internet - sorry once a cheater