He's nearly NEVER out of his brothers' company. What do I do?

seahorse

Hi people; it'll be no surprise, given the thread title, that my bf is more attatched to the company of his four brothers and one brother in law than I'd like. Dont get me wrong, they're lovely people, I've no problems with them at all; it's just I'm sick and dog tired of this nonsense of him spending FIVE OR SIX NIGHTS A WEEK, EVERY WEEK, WITH NO EXCEPTIONS, visiting them.

What they do is they all converge on the one apartment (not mine thank God) and they all sit around like a gang of overgrown kids smoking blow and playing playstations games. They range in age right the way through from 22 to 39. (My overgrown kid is 39 :rolleyes:) . Some evenings after work he'll spend just an hour and a half say, other nights he'll be there from 7pm till 2 in the morning, and as I said, I'm just dog tired of it.

Men - would you find it OTT to spend that much time hanging around with your brothers at that age? And what would you have to say about any man who did?

And women - would you have a - blade - of - hair - left on your head if this was your man?????

jellie

if hes with his brothers so often when do you actually see him? i dont see much time left to carry on a relationship..

luckat

seahorse wrote:

What they do is they all converge on the one apartment (not mine thank God) and they all sit around like a gang of overgrown kids smoking blow and playing playstations games.

And this person is your boyfriend why, exactly?

Sleepy

Have you spoken to him about this?

seahorse

sar84 wrote:

if hes with his brothers so often when do you actually see him? i dont see much time left to carry on a relationship..

Nor do I a lot of days Sar84.:(

Saruman

See if he notices you are not around..

seahorse

luckat wrote:

And this person is your boyfriend why, exactly?

Because he's fantastic in limitless other ways Luckat; I just wish he'd outgrow this stupid childish behaviour. Of course you have to ask yourself, if he hasnt outgrown it when he's this close to the big four-oh, when's it likely to happen?

seahorse

Sleepy wrote:

Have you spoken to him about this?

I have Sleepy, and in fairness he's taken my feelings on board to some extent - but it's only to the extent that he's in his bro's maybe one evening less per week now, and asks can he go, rather than just skipping out the door without a worry in the world the way he used to.

He knows I'm upset about this. What he dosent know, because I havent got it in me to tell him, is just how sad and unloved it makes me feel...

Sleepy

Well maybe that's what you have to tell him?

It seems like he took your feelings on board the last time you spoke about this so maybe if he understands how you really feel he'll put a little more effort in to spending time with you rather than his brothers? He's not a mind-reader and us guys tend to take things at face value so when you tell him it's okay for him to go spend time with his brothers he probably takes that as you not having a problem with it.

bug

seahorse wrote:

Because he's fantastic in limitless other ways Luckat; I just wish he'd outgrow this stupid childish behaviour. Of course you have to ask yourself, if he hasnt outgrown it when he's this close to the big four-oh, when's it likely to happen?

It always amazes me how men can get to an age like that and still be completely unaware of other people. It's also amazing how apparent it gets as you get older. I know lots of ppl in similar situations to you but it doesn't make it right.

You have two options really.

You have to really explain how unloved this is making you feel and get the point across to him.

Although judging by his response to your initial remark...

.... he's in his bro's maybe one evening less per week now, and asks can he go, rather than just skipping out the door without a worry in the world the way he used to.

.. it doesn't look like there is much maturity there, as that's something that a child would say if you had scolded it.

If that fails then at the risk of sounding like Kell here, you should cut your losses and run for the hills. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

I wish you the best of luck and empathise with you.

patrickc

just tell him to grow up and spend more time with the one he loves IE u.. sometimes being blunt is the answer

seahorse

Sleepy wrote:

Well maybe that's what you have to tell him?

It seems like he took your feelings on board the last time you spoke about this so maybe if he understands how you really feel he'll put a little more effort in to spending time with you rather than his brothers? He's not a mind-reader and us guys tend to take things at face value so when you tell him it's okay for him to go spend time with his brothers he probably takes that as you not having a problem with it.

Thanks Sleepy, and everyone else who gave their comments; if I responded to everyone we'd be here all day, so I'll just make it short(ish)! :

I love this man. We were a couple for 3 1/2 yrs before we moved in (12 mts ago), so we've been together 4 1/2 yrs now, but since then I've seen much less of him and it seems everyone else is more important than me. Everyone being, of course (who else :rolleyes: ) his family.

I dont want to be one of these bitches who wants to try to exclude the family, especially as these are decent people we're talking about; it's just that we never get a moment, and I'm gettling to the point where I'm starting to resent them because they often call with the attitude and assumption that he has nowhere better to go or to be then with them. I am seriously starting to get to the point where I feel that they are disrespecting my relationship.

Of course I'm angry with him primarily, but as I say I'm starting to resent them too... Some days I wish they'd just f**k off and let us have our relationship in peace. There have been many days when we were together and one or the other of them would call wanting this or that (simply his company usually, on the part of his brothers, but when it comes to his sisters it'll be their bathroom tiled, a wall painted etc)

I am sooooo sick of this s**t... It's difficult to detest people who are polite and decent, not that I'd want to, because as I say they are good people, but sometimes, in my nastier moments, I do entertain the fantasy that it'd be easier if they were a shower of total bastards...

Angelique

If they are so nice they surely will not take it the wrong way if you talked to them about this. Maybe talk to your MIL and she will break it to the lads gently.

If you do this though be careful they can keep mum about it or else you ll be in deep **** with your partner for going behind his back.

The other option is to talk to your partner about your feelings.

LegacyUser

God this sounds so like my bf's family. I'm from a small family myself whereas he has 7 brothers and sisters. Like that we're supposedly living together now - I say supposedly cos once again his family stuff is in the way. Again I do get on with his family most of the time and they are very nice people BUT you do think, do they have any cop-on or realisation that maybe he needs time with his gf too and not just spending every waking minute doing something for them. Now at the end ofthe day it is his relationship not theirs and his place to say to them that he can't always help, but in such a big family, especially with a good few girls he does get b****ed about on those rare times he says no. Its not so much hanging out with them on his part, its just doing any little thing they need doing - girls can't cut grass, trim hedges, put up pictures, every day there is something. He's doing exams at the moment and things aren't any better so not sure what hope there is for future change!

Anyway sorry for hijacking your thread, just to let you know there are others out there going through same thing, and it is lot tougher when its his family rather than just friends, you have to be even more careful what you say etc. You mention one brother in law, so could you maybe talk to that sister casuakky see if she is sick of it? Or even better do any of the other brothers have gf / wives? Maybe if few of ye are saying it together then it won't be just you being "the big baddie"...

seahorse

Angelique wrote:

If they are so nice they surely will not take it the wrong way if you talked to them about this. Maybe talk to your MIL and she will break it to the lads gently.

If you do this though be careful they can keep mum about it or else you ll be in deep **** with your partner for going behind his back.

The other option is to talk to your partner about your feelings.

Thanks Angelique. One of the big problems is that I moved house a couple of years ago and, like the classic idiot who didnt see it coming till it hit her, I just happened by chance to move to an area of Dublin where about 50% of the local population happens to be related to him.:rolleyes:

Moving out is not an option because my son has put down roots here, loves his school/friends etc. Anyway, it's not to the level that I'd consider moving over it. I suppose something as drastic as that would be reserved for people who were abusive towards me, which as I've said isnt the case.

It's just to frustrating...

qwertyphobia

He is going to his mates and enjoying that. On the nights you want him to stay in have you anything planned for them? as appossed to just staying in and watching TV?

Plan some fun things to do together and develop some shared interests. Create some new rituals for you to do together as a couple.

It's not just about time it's about what you do togther with that time.

It will be a lot easyer for him to stay at home with you if you have something to do togther rather then just watching corrie

Catari Jaguar

Wait, you guys have a kid and he still acts like this?? he needs to grow up and cop on ffs!

Angelique

Why don't you pick one day a week where you make it a special occasion for you two only?

Like cooking him a nice meal, enjoying a good bottle of wine together and remember BOLT that door.

WellyJ

You have to give him an ultimatum,

Tell him he has to change this or you are off,

It's ridiculous behaviour for a grown man in a seemingly serious relationship

humbert

Do you have fun when you are together? Make him want to stay at home with you.

the_syco

Hey... I used to do something like that. Play the PS2 5 nights a week with mates. Two of the boys had young 'uns, but they were only over at the weekends.

Oh, and quick question: what age is the son? I ask, as once he hits 16 or so, you'll have a hard time with the "no drugs" stance, if your BF is off smoking dope 6 nights a week.

Finally, I'll echo what one of the lads have said: do something at night. Corrie, Eastenders, or any of that utter sh|te is not "something", as most guys will leave to escape it. Rent out a movie, or something. One of the lads I know has Wednesday night as "movie night with the missus" after 9pm, so once 8:55pm hits, he's not gaming anymore.

seahorse

Thanks everybody; some of these thoughts mirror my own exactly (WellyJ and Lil Kitten, I'm talkin bout youse!) and others have offered very practical advice, so thanks everyone. The only problem with implementing that advice is this; he and I do have shared interests, we both read a lot and write (we met on a journalism degree course) and we love wandering around bookstores and going to bookfares and that sort of thing, but that is really a daytime activity so it's something we do the odd weekend or day off that he has, as he works till at least 7.30 most evenings. What we're lacking I suppose are evening-time persuits. Any suggestions on that score would be really helpful. (we already fit pleny of shaggin into the schedule, so no need for advice on that score! lol )

Seriously, thank you. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me, I suppose I was so caught up being resentful about the situation it never occured to me to introduce something else to distract him away from this nonsense behaviour. So yeah, please take it a step further and give me some ideas! I havent a clue beyond going to the pictures, but that's not something you can do a couple of times a week. We already do the wine thing, but I'd need to turn into an utter alco if I was to drink as often as it'd take to keep him out of his brothers a few times a week!

So, ideas people???

seahorse

Duplicate post...

seahorse

the_syco wrote:

Oh, and quick question: what age is the son? I ask, as once he hits 16 or so, you'll have a hard time with the "no drugs" stance, if your BF is off smoking dope 6 nights a week.

Thanks the_syco; my son is thirteen. Yeah, I take your point. I dont allow the blow smoking in my home, that's a part of all this really. It contributes to the issue somewhat because he needs to be elsewhere in order to do it. I wouldnt have my son seeing that and he's no idea what's going on in my bf's brothers house of course cause he's not there to see it.

I have considered that the real problem at the root of all this is the dope itself, but then there was a drought in the city and my bf spent as much time as ever up there playing the bleedin ps games - only difference was he was moaning there was no dope around! (eyes rolling all over the place)

jellie

seahorse wrote:

Thanks the_syco; my son is thirteen. Yeah, I take your point. I dont allow the blow smoking in my home, that's a part of all this really. It contributes to the issue somewhat because he needs to be elsewhere in order to do it. I wouldnt have my son seeing that and he's no idea what's going on in my bf's brothers house of course cause he's not there to see it.

I have considered that the real problem at the root of all this is the dope itself, but then there was a drought in the city and my bf spent as much time as ever up there playing the bleedin ps games - only difference was he was moaning there was no dope around! (eyes rolling all over the place)

your bf sounds like hes about 16. if even that. i dunno what to tell you, but i know i couldnt deal with that. he sounds selfish and immature. & at his age he seems unlikely to change

seahorse

sar84 wrote:

he sounds selfish and immature. & at his age he seems unlikely to change

That's a depressing thought sar84, and dont think it hasnt occured to me before. There are many wonderful aspects to this man though, the reason I'm not banging on about them here is because this thread isnt about any of that. There has been a bit of an improvement in the last little while though, I am glad to say. I dont think he realised the extent to which all this was bothering me. It's like me to keep things which upset me to myself.

Beruthiel

seahorse wrote:

It's like me to keep things which upset me to myself.

Men need to hear it straight, if you say nothing, they will assume everything is fine. At 39 he is as grown up as you're going to get, there will be no change unless he decides himself that one is required.
I like having the odd smoke myself when it's offered, but at the age of 39 he should have grown well out of requiring to hang out with the lads every night in order to get stoned and play games, when exactly does he get time to hang out with you or do anything around the house for that matter?

Sit him down, have a long, calm chat about where he thinks your relationship is going and how he thinks he is doing as a responsible man in an adult partnership. I'm all for having a good time myself, but you can do both if you assign them different days, that way everyone's happy.

Cunny-Funt

Just to clear something up, if he was drinking and watching football instead of playing games and smoking would you still be calling him childish?

If not then welcome to the year 2007 ffs :rolleyes:

Apart from that, 5 nights a week is pretty crazy.. where does he get the energy? He must be pretty dead the rest of the time if this really is true.

I agree with the last post, you need to be totally BLUNT with him, non of this beating around the bush/ hinting crap.

However I would steer clear of insulting his activities by calling them childish, concentrate more on the amount of time he spends doing this, then how you look down on him for what he enjoys.

crack out the whip, lay down the law etc etc stand up for your relationship


talk to him....

jellie

Cunny-Funt wrote:

Just to clear something up, if he was drinking and watching football instead of playing games and smoking would you still be calling him childish?

If not then welcome to the year 2007 ffs :rolleyes:

Apart from that, 5 nights a week is pretty crazy.. where does he get the energy? He must be pretty dead the rest of the time if this really is true.

Its not the activity that would make me think hes childish, its the amount of time spent doing it without any regard for his wife or family.

OP: i had presumed youd already spoken to him about it but now im getting the impression you havent, not properly anyway. As others have said, be blunt.

As a last resort you could always show him this thread

seahorse

sar84 wrote:

Its not the activity that would make me think hes childish, its the amount of time spent doing it without any regard for his wife or family.

You've articulated my feelings on the matter exactly Sar. It's not that he's playing playstation games and smoking blow as opposed to watching football and drinking that I find childish. It's the fact that he needs to indulge in this 'all the lads together' type behaviour so frequently that I find immature. I would expect a man to have outgrown the desire for indulging in that sort of thing so frequently by his late teens, to be honest. I love seeing my friends and family too, but it wouldnt even occur to me to want that almost every night.

(By the way Cunny Funt, I don’t look down on him for what he enjoys, I don’t “look down” on him at all. I’m in love with the man. A woman would need to be to put up with this childish and inconsiderate BS. They also often watch football and films, and the only reason they dont drink more regularly is because most of them are driving home after their sessions.)

sar84 wrote:

OP: i had presumed youd already spoken to him about it but now im getting the impression you havent, not properly anyway. As others have said, be blunt.

Well this is where the situation gets a bit more complicated. When we first moved in together I had reservations about living with him. I was used to my space; I was used to it being just me and the child. Myself and the bf would have spent about three or four nights a week together before that anyway, so I didnt feel like I was missing out on anything. I saw him when I wanted to see him, and that was fine by me. So when he first moved in and I realised he was spending a lot of time out with his brothers it was actually something of a relief to be honest. I didnt feel swamped or suffocated as I'd feared. But then as time went on I began to realise I was seeing a lot less of him than I had before we lived together! And, as a consequence, began to feel neglected, unloved and alone. So by the time I started feeling I had something to give out about, he had already become set in his ways. It certainly wasnt a case of us starting as we meant to go on, or anything like it. I have gotten blunt in recent weeks, but I think he, and not entirely without reason, feels I have moved the goalposts.

It wasnt though, I have to add, something I just sprung on him. I kept my feelings to myself for a little while, then started mentioning it, was consistantly ignored, then began to feel a building resentment because of that. I have to say, and I'm sure at least the women on here will get where I'm coming from; this has made me BIG-TIME question the future, because the thoughts of him out five and six nights a week while I'm sitting at home with a baby in a cot and a toddler on my lap is enough to make my blood run cold.

sar84 wrote:

As a last resort you could always show him this thread

Are you sure you’re not doing a bit of mind reading there Sar? as it also occurred to me to show him this thread, as the general consensus seems to be that this behaviour IS childish and immature. Mightnt hurt him to see I’m not the only one who thinks so…

seahorse

Unknown1234 wrote:

...they are very nice people BUT you do think, do they have any cop-on or realisation that maybe he needs time with his gf too and not just spending every waking minute doing something for them.

Thanks Unknown1234; couldnt agree with the above quote more, it's nice to hear I'm not alone! My bf is one of nine, and that's not counting the stepkids! Most of the brothers are single, unsurprisingly I guess, where would they find time to meet someone?! Two are married, but of those two one dosent have the sort of relationship where his wife would be too bothered where he went I guess, things arent great between them. I dont know, probably this sort of BS has something to do with that...

& Lil Kitten; I forgot to say that my son is not my bf's. My son is thirteen, he was eight when I got together with my bf. I dont see that as an issue though. My fear, as I said in my last post, is that he'd be up to the same craic regardless if we'd kids or not.

Cunny-Funt

I just wanted to make sure things were clear on it being the amount of time he's doing it rather then what it is he's doing that's the issue.

Showing him this thread is an interesting idea and one I personally have recommended to people before however, unlike yourself most people tend to not want to go down that root.

I think it could work though, not really because he see's other peoples opinions, but mainly because he will get more insight into how you feel.

Because a lot of the time in "real life" when trying to communicate issues such as this, people rarely ever get to fully say what they mean, as the other person of course would always like to add their opinion , which tend to throw off the original angle of the conversation and it unfortunately turns into an argument

So at least this way, he can fully read and take in what you are trying to say before he can reply. I must stress that you must get him to read the WHOLE thread before you start chatting though!

So he gets the full picture. For example even look at my replies, it looked to me for a time that you may look down on him for what he enjoys but you cleared that up, him reading the whole thread will prevent any such assumptions (obviously he knows you and I dont but I think you get what I mean )

Good luck and let us know how it works out!

seahorse

Cunny-Funt wrote:

Showing him this thread is an interesting idea and one I personally have recommended to people before however, unlike yourself most people tend to not want to go down that root.

Oh I'd frame it and nail it to the wall for his ongoing inspection, only for the comment I made about his brother in law not having a great marraige. He mightnt be happy about me commenting on that on the outernet, as I call it. Why did I have to open my big trap about that?:rolleyes:

Cunny-Funt wrote:

I think it could work though, not really because he see's other peoples opinions, but mainly because he will get more insight into how you feel.

That's an interesting point, and one I wouldnt have even considered. I'd have been more looking at it from the angle of; "hey look, everyone else thinks your behaving like an inconsiderate arsehole too"! lol

Oh this situation can be so frustrating, no jokin. I will fill you in on how it goes. Though if you all read something in the herald a couple of years from now about some poor bloke on the northside being locked in the bedroom the last few years by his crazy bird you'll all know how it went anyway, ha ha.