All the way without any love?

LegacyUser

Long boring post but I'm sure many people have been in similar situations, so any opinion is welcome.

I'm a sixteen year old female who's considering losing my virginity to my boyfriend soon, to put it briefly. Here goes;

I've been ready physically for sex since I was 13, maybe 12 even, but never emotionally. I was always wanting to find someone who I love to lose my virginity to and to have sex with him without going to third base beforehand (oral sex and handjobs, just in case.) Because of this, I've always kept guys back, much to their frustration sometimes. My main reason for this is for the romantic aspects and that Id' regret it if it wasn't that good etc. but another reason is because I was scared of sleeping around with everyone, that losing my virginity to someone I didn't love would lead to this and that having sex without love would be a skanky and dangerous thing. Now, I think I'm pretty much fed up of waiting and just want to do it instead of being so repressed. I used to think that sex and love were intrinsically related, but now I just think sex is animal instinct and that it takes another role with love in the equation.

Let's call my fella Ben. We met back in February, made it apparent that we liked each other, got together at the end of march and things got very physical the day we got together. I think our relationship, from my side at least, is built on physical lust and hopefully the same from his side too because I don't want to hurt him.

Everyday we've ever been alone together things have always gotten very physical and yesterday I let him finger me, which was a big step for me as I'd always said no up till then. We almost had sex, which I initiated, but I declined when he was taking off his trousers as it just wasn't romantic enough and I knew I had to leave in about 30 minutes anyway, so it wouldn't have been too much fun. He told me it gets harder for him to restrain himself everytime we're together, and it doesn't help that I'm a tease. I feel kind of bad about that, because he probably wants sex more than I do and because he's almost nineteen and probably feels like I'm restricting him. He said he was happy to wait, yet when I was leaving his apartment he told me to push him off me because he might just go ahead without my consent.

I don't love him and don't think I ever will tbh, but I'm very physically attracted to him and think he's one of the best looking people I know. I'm not sure whether that's enough reason to go ahead with him. I'm just tired of waiting for someone to lose it to and but I'm scared I'll regret it in the long-run as it'll leave me feeling hollow and lead to me being promiscuous and skanky etc. but on the other hand I want sex a lot, especially with him. Should I wait for someone who I love or just lose it to him?

Catari Jaguar

Ready emotionally eh?

You want to get it over and done with? You don't who care with? Yea... real ready. :rolleyes: You're a horny teenager. FFS, you think you're a tease because you weren't ready! You are in no way ready. You're still confused, you don't know who or what you want.
Why are you with guy you don't and won't ever love?

Animal or emotional? Romantic or just lust? You need to answer those.

Also, think about these too.

1. You're underage.
2. He's over age and can get arrested. Did you know that?
3. Are you on contraception?
4. Do you know what you would do if you got pregnant?
5. Would you be ok talking to your parents about sex openly and letting them know you were sexually active?
6. Is there some reason why you've always needed to a have a boyfriend since you were 12 or 13???

Just relax. What's the rush? Grow up.

PeakOutput

sex is great and while obviously i wish iv had more my first time was **** and i regret doing it like that and with the person it was with

id recomend chilling out a bit sex is not the be all and end all there are plenty more ways you can both be satisfied and to be honest its worth practising these and getting them right before going on to full sex imo as it just makes the whole act alot better................if you just work your way threw experiencing these things with your bf you will either naturally end up having sex or you will realise you dont wana do it with him and you will move on(over time obviously not all in one night)

edit; the poster above said all the rational advice so i took it from a bit more laid back point of view you need to think about everything the above poster said too

Beetlebum

Lil Kitten wrote:

Ready emotionally eh?

You want to get it over and done with? You don't who care with? Yea... real ready. :rolleyes: You're a horny teenager. FFS, you think you're a tease because you weren't ready! You are in no way ready. You're still confused, you don't know who or what you want.
Why are you with guy you don't and won't ever love?

Animal or emotional? Romantic or just lust? You need to answer those.

Also, think about these too.

1. You're underage.
2. He's over age and can get arrested. Did you know that?
3. Are you on contraception?
4. Do you know what you would do if you got pregnant?
5. Would you be ok talking to your parents about sex openly and letting them know you were sexually active?
6. Is there some reason why you've always needed to a have a boyfriend since you were 12 or 13???

Just relax. What's the rush? Grow up.

Lil Kitten, the OP said herself that she's been physically ready since she was 12 or 13 but NOT emotionally. Also, asking her whats the rush and telling her to grow up in the same sentence isn't very helpful.

Op, at 16 your emotions are all over the place and of coure you have an avid interest in sex which is perfectly natural. In an ideal world, you'd meet a lovely gentle guy who'd put no pressure on you to have sex and your first time would be filled with romance and fireworks. For a lucky minority this may be the case but for most people, losing their virginity is like a race. It can be scary and I'm sure the curiosity of what it's all about is driving you mad. A few things to bear in mind;

1) This Ben guy is a few years older than you and from what you've said he sounds quite pushy. He may not be the ideal person for you to lose your virginity too.
2) If you do decide to have sex with him, USE A CONDOM!!!!!!!! He may tell you that you can't get pregnant if he pulls out, you do it in the bath, you do it standing up blah blah blah....under no circumstances let him do it without protection.
3) Use a condom.
4)Use a condom.
5) And finally, be aware that the first time can be a little painful and there will possibly be a tiny bit of blood. It's nothing to be worried about. Go slowly and don't let any guy bully or pressure you.

Best of luck, oh and one final thing....USE A CONDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MikeHoncho

Your post is like an advertisment for why the age of consent is 17. If your not sure wait untill your 17 simple as that. Also please be carefull with this guy. If he is nearly 19 he could get in a lot of trouble for messing around with you.

PeakOutput

Beetlebum wrote:

2) If you do decide to have sex with him, USE A CONDOM!!!!!!!! He may tell you taht you can't get pregnant if he puls out, you do it in the bath, you do it standing up blah blah blah....under no circumstances let him do it without protection.

1)do people actually try and persuade peole not to use protection with the above arguments????
2)dopeople actually give in to these arguments???

thats mad i thought that was just bull**** to fill up pages in sex ed books

siochain

its all been said above, there is no rush, you will be really grateful you held out for the right person. Its something really special don’t lose it just for a few minutes of passion.

Beetlebum

PeakOutput wrote:

1)do people actually try and persuade peole not to use protection with the above arguments????
2)dopeople actually give in to these arguments???

thats mad i thought that was just bull**** to fill up pages in sex ed books

Those lines have been used on me in the past PeakOutput. Thankfully I didn't fall for them but some guys will say anything to get there leg over!!

Boston

Regardless of how romantic it is, or how special you want it to be, your first time will almost certainly be pretty crap.

PeakOutput, a friend of a friend went out with someone (for 2 minutes) who believed the whole standing up sex doesn't get you pregnant.

PeakOutput

Beetlebum wrote:

Those lines have been used on me in the past PeakOutput. Thankfully I didn't fall for them but some guys will say anything to get there leg over!!

thats amazing id love to get that convesation on video

maybe i should cut people some slack i found out about the birds and the beeswhen i was 6/7 from a mates older brother who just got sex ed so my parents kinda had to explain everything in detail fairly early in my life

LegacyUser

Sorry to make this point but I'm totally with the idea that you're not ready. I'm a 22 year old male and like you could say that I've been physically ready for sex since I was 12 or 13 but I'm still a virgin despite having gone through one college course and about to finish up another. Had more than a few girlfriends at this stage but never thought that the moment was right.

End result being that I'm still the frustrated 13 year old in some ways but on the other hand I don't regret doing anything just to "get it over with" and am still goo friends with all of my exes. I doubt many of them were virgins, or still are, and when the person was right they understood my reluctance to make the move.

End result I've had a few cool relationships that weren't based on sex, been able to work away at whatever I was doing without having to worry about the potential fallout of what could happen when I wasn't with the right person.

I don't regret anything but I fear that you may if you decide to go ahead in your current circumstances. You're 16 you have a lot of other things to do with your life yet that should be more of a priority than sex so think it through and if you do decide to go ahead in the end then make sure that it is on your terms and as one poster has said already...USE A CONDOM

Beetlebum

I know a girl who still insists that you can't get pregnant in the shower cause the semen gets washed away......she's 25!!!

PeakOutput

Beetlebum wrote:

cause the semen gets washed away

she must get creative with the shower hose to make that possible......anyway we are off topic sorry op

Lorax

Its illegal, end of story. Ive gotten banned from here for a lot less than some of the replies here.

cee_jay

Unsure nymph wrote:

He told me it gets harder for him to restrain himself everytime we're together, and it doesn't help that I'm a tease. I feel kind of bad about that, because he probably wants sex more than I do and because he's almost nineteen and probably feels like I'm restricting him. He said he was happy to wait, yet when I was leaving his apartment he told me to push him off me because he might just go ahead without my consent.

So he called you a tease, and insinuated that he might force himself on you even though you were not ready?
And you are still thinking of having sex with him?
As other posters have said, you are still under the age of consent, and perhaps you should wait for someone who respects you and your wishes.
This guy sounds like he has no respect for you whatsoever.
If you do wait for the right person you love, it will be a much better experience for you in the end, and one you will not forget.
In the meantime, there is are so many other things you can do and have fun with
Consider the fact you may get pregnant, as no contraceptive method is 100%. Would this guy stick by you in those circumstances?
If you do have sex, please please please use a condom!

Catari Jaguar

Unsure nymph wrote:

Let's call my fella Ben. We met back in February, made it apparent that we liked each other, got together at the end of march and things got very physical the day we got together. I think our relationship, from my side at least, is built on physical lust and hopefully the same from his side too because I don't want to hurt him.

Wait, wait, wait! I only just saw this part. You've been together a month only? You want to have sex already?! You hardly know the guy! You don't want to hurt him?? He's looking for his hole!


Don't give it to him! He'l prob get it and run for the door! He knows you're young and not ready and he can play with you. Take what he says with a pinch of salt.

Unsure nymph

Unsure nymph wrote:

I don't love him and don't think I ever will tbh, but I'm very physically attracted to him and think he's one of the best looking people I know. I'm not sure whether that's enough reason to go ahead with him. I'm just tired of waiting for someone to lose it to and but I'm scared I'll regret it in the long-run as it'll leave me feeling hollow and lead to me being promiscuous and skanky etc. but on the other hand I want sex a lot, especially with him. Should I wait for someone who I love or just lose it to him?

1. Wait until you are 17.
2. Do not have sex with someone who threatens to force himself on you, calls you a "tease", and has been with you only a month, particularly given any age difference.
3. "because I don't want to hurt him. " he does not give a damn about "hurting you". He just wants to f-ck you then probably leave.
Be under no illusions on this one.

tbh

Unsure nymph wrote:

Long boring post but I'm sure many people have been in similar situations, so any opinion is welcome.

I'm a sixteen year old female who's considering losing my virginity to my boyfriend soon, to put it briefly. Here goes;

I've been ready physically for sex since I was 13, maybe 12 even, but never emotionally. I was always wanting to find someone who I love to lose my virginity to and to have sex with him without going to third base beforehand (oral sex and handjobs, just in case.) Because of this, I've always kept guys back, much to their frustration sometimes. My main reason for this is for the romantic aspects and that Id' regret it if it wasn't that good etc. but another reason is because I was scared of sleeping around with everyone, that losing my virginity to someone I didn't love would lead to this and that having sex without love would be a skanky and dangerous thing. Now, I think I'm pretty much fed up of waiting and just want to do it instead of being so repressed. I used to think that sex and love were intrinsically related, but now I just think sex is animal instinct and that it takes another role with love in the equation.

Let's call my fella Ben. We met back in February, made it apparent that we liked each other, got together at the end of march and things got very physical the day we got together. I think our relationship, from my side at least, is built on physical lust and hopefully the same from his side too because I don't want to hurt him.

Everyday we've ever been alone together things have always gotten very physical and yesterday I let him finger me, which was a big step for me as I'd always said no up till then. We almost had sex, which I initiated, but I declined when he was taking off his trousers as it just wasn't romantic enough and I knew I had to leave in about 30 minutes anyway, so it wouldn't have been too much fun. He told me it gets harder for him to restrain himself everytime we're together, and it doesn't help that I'm a tease. I feel kind of bad about that, because he probably wants sex more than I do and because he's almost nineteen and probably feels like I'm restricting him. He said he was happy to wait, yet when I was leaving his apartment he told me to push him off me because he might just go ahead without my consent.

I don't love him and don't think I ever will tbh, but I'm very physically attracted to him and think he's one of the best looking people I know. I'm not sure whether that's enough reason to go ahead with him. I'm just tired of waiting for someone to lose it to and but I'm scared I'll regret it in the long-run as it'll leave me feeling hollow and lead to me being promiscuous and skanky etc. but on the other hand I want sex a lot, especially with him. Should I wait for someone who I love or just lose it to him?

The first time you have sex, it changes you mentally (I think). It's very bittersweet - the loss of childhood, becoming a man (or woman) etc. The feelings are quite difficult to deal with, because a lot of the time, it's not something you want to talk about to people like parents etc who can help you through it. These put stresses on any relationship, and if you don't know how to handle these feelings, it can lead to resentment (of your partner, you may blame them for "forcing" you because you regret it) and feeling disappointed in yourself.

The best way to get through this is to have your first time with someone you really love and trust, and someone you feel totally comfortable with. My very first time (one nighter, because I wanted to get it over with) and my first time with a girlfriend were totally different, as soon as we were done the first time I wanted to get away, and the first time with a g/f it really brought us closer together - it was lovely.
If you are having doubts about whether you should sleep with this guy - you totally shouldn't. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but in a year or two you'll be way better able to deal with everything. It's probably not the end of the world to do it now, but why risk regretting it when you don't have to? Trust me, I'm 33 this year, and I was 15 like, last week. It's scarey.

As for the point of him getting frustrated - we've all been there. I'll sound like a bit of a dick for saying this, but I never respected a girl that "gave in" to me really quickly - I didn't have the skills at that age to act properly, I was a walking bag of hormones. Your boyfriend will value you to the same extent that you value yourself, if you don't want to, then don't. You'll have plenty more boyfriends, but you only lose your virginity once. God, the 16-year old me is shaking his fist at me as I write this, but screw him I Know better now.

PeakOutput

cAr0l wrote:

So he called you a tease, and insinuated that he might force himself on you even though you were not ready?

ah lighten up a bit we all say things in jest im sure that was the context

lorax please point out what replies you feel are ban worthy so the mods know which ones exactly you do not approve off when they get here

Jumpy

Lil Kitten wrote:

Wait, wait, wait! I only just saw this part. You've been together a month only? You want to have sex already?! You hardly know the guy! You don't want to hurt him?? He's looking for his hole!


Don't give it to him! He'l prob get it and run for the door! He knows you're young and not ready and he can play with you. Take what he says with a pinch of salt.

Heh, thats right, go with the "guys fault" stance. From what I have read it is her that wants it. Girls "look for their hole" as well there Lil Kitten.
However I do think the ages here are a little inappropriate.
And to those suggesting he was going to force himself, to me it sounded like a very immature attempt at flattery, I dont think he was insinuating rape.

Kell

Unsure nymph wrote:

I let him finger me, which was a big step for me as I'd always said no up till then.

Right-well the answer is easy then. Get plenty of fingering and tonguing before progressing. As some have said, sex isnt the be all and end all. To quote Billy Idol- "Some nights sex is great. Then some times, oral is better. Then sometimes, a **** can be even better again".

You see, the reason why so many people just rush in their looking for full on hot and horny penetration is that so many have never gained the graceful art of fingering. Theres no bloke on here in his early thirties or even mid twenties who doesnt remember the heady days of cycling home from his GF's whiffing the digits in sheer glee. And that was all you got too, bar the occasional hair in the teeth.

OP- get loads of fingering, head etc etc. Then it puts sex into perspective.

K-

PeakOutput

Kell wrote:

Theres no bloke on here in his early thirties or even mid twenties who doesnt remember cycling home from his GF's whiffing the digits in sheer glee.

i lol'd.......hard

bit too much information

Dalfiatach

Kell wrote:

You see, the reason why so many people just rush in their looking for full on hot and horny penetration is that so many have never gained the graceful art of fingering. Theres no bloke on here in his early thirties or even mid twenties who doesnt remember the heady days of cycling home from his GF's whiffing the digits in sheer glee. And that was all you got too, bar the occasional hair in the teeth.

Quoted for truth

And aren't we the better for it, now that we're older and can keep a woman well satisfied with just the skill of our hands and tongues?

Best advice I ever got from a slightly older and wiser friend back when I was that raging-mass-of-hormones-teenage-lad-looking-for-his-hole: "Yer no use to any woman if ye can't make her cum without using yer dick"

OP: yer nowhere near ready. And it's illegal.

Faith

OP, you're 16. I know it feels like you're pushing on, but trust me, you're not. When I was 16, I was like you, eager to have sex and get it out of the way. I thought all my friends were having sex. Turns out they weren't. Most of my friends were 18, 19 when they started having sex, and they were in serious relationships. You have the rest of your life to have sex. Save your first time for someone special!

Dudess

PeakOutput wrote:

ah lighten up a bit we all say things in jest im sure that was the context

:rolleyes:
He said that she might have to push him off her some day as she's teasing him to the point of him wanting to force himself on her. That, in my book, is not something to lighten up about.
OP, experiencing sensations of wanting to have sex with someone when you're 13 is perfectly normal - Christ, I know only too well what you're talking about. I know what you mean when you say you feel repressed - it gets frustrating. But it does not mean you are physically ready. The fact that you're having to mull it over here further illustrates that. And, as Faith pointed out, it may feel like you have to be sexually active by this age but that's bollocks. You're very young yet. I was 18 and I wished I'd left it til later. I'm nearly 29 now. I've got a bit of perspective and I can assure you that leaving it until all doubts are gone from your mind - whatever age - is the best thing you can do, and nobody will think any less of you for it - unless they're dickheads, which brings me to the guy you're seeing. Keep well clear. It would be fair enough to have sex with him if it was purely physical and you were both comfortable with that, but you clearly aren't.
That said, your post is well written and you seem really mature for your age. And yes, wait til you're the legal age, practise safe sex and get a smear test done every so often. But do wait until you meet the guy you absolutely HAVE to lose your virginity to. You may not necessarily be in love with him but as long as the power balance is equal and you have an understanding of each other, than there's nothing wrong with it.
Someone said it can be painful first time. It won't be if you're ready. It feels a bit "alien" and ever so slightly uncomfortable, but not necessarily painful.

Jesus Wept

MikeHoncho wrote:

Your post is like an advertisment for why the age of consent is 17. If your not sure wait untill your 17 simple as that. Also please be carefull with this guy. If he is nearly 19 he could get in a lot of trouble for messing around with you.

Hardly, do we really expect that everyone has a great moment of clarity when they turn 17, that has eluded them upto that point.

Horses for courses.

tinkerbell

Unsure nymph wrote:

He said he was happy to wait, yet when I was leaving his apartment he told me to push him off me because he might just go ahead without my consent.

This to me screams major warning signs. He might just go ahead without your consent?! Eh ... there is a word for that!!!!! And a jail term!? He sounds like a right ass.

You say you wanted to wait til you meet someone special ... well why stop waiting? You may think he is the "best looking guy" you've ever seen (that's what you said, wasn't it?) but when you look back in a few years time, you'll wonder why you thought that.

Seriously, save yourself for someone special, don't just throw it all away like that or you'll really regret it. Plus, you're underage so loverboy could get a court case if it gets out and I don't think you want that either.

Talliesin

Unsure nymph wrote:

I'm a sixteen year old female who's considering losing my virginity to my boyfriend soon, to put it briefly. Here goes;

This will legally make your boyfriend a rapist.

Unsure nymph wrote:

I've been ready physically for sex since I was 13, maybe 12 even, but never emotionally.

You don't read like someone who this is emotionally ready now.

Unsure nymph wrote:

I was always wanting to find someone who I love to lose my virginity to and to have sex with him without going to third base beforehand (oral sex and handjobs, just in case.)

Why on earth do people define sex as excluding oral sex and handjobs? Okay, you're inexperienced so in your case it's not that weird. Still, it disturbs me as the only possible explanation is that a very sizable proportion of the sexually active population have only ever had really crap sex, hence leading to this silly idea gaining root.

Nobody that has good sex thinks that oral sex and handjobs aren't sex. I'm glad I grew out of that notion while I was still completely inexperienced myself, which is why I mention it here.

Anyway, I'll assume you mean intercourse when you say "sex" from now on.

Unsure nymph wrote:

Because of this, I've always kept guys back, much to their frustration sometimes.

What on earth do you mean "always". You've been legally able to have sex for a total of -1 years.

Now, fair enough you're at a point where you are near the age of consent, and it's not like there'll be a major shift in you on midnight of your 17th birthday. But still, "always".

Sorry, but children not having sex doesn't need any explanation. You are a child, and earlier in your life you were a young child. That's enough to be keeping guys back with.

Unsure nymph wrote:

Now, I think I'm pretty much fed up of waiting and just want to do it instead of being so repressed.

Statutory rape is not the same thing as not being repressed.

I'm all for having sex as often as possible, in as many ways as possible.

I help run a fetish club, so I'm not exactly the spitting image of Ian Paisley in regards to ideas about what's a morally acceptable sexual act or anything. Still, you're just a horny child - children not having sex is not a sign of repression.

Unsure nymph wrote:

I used to think that sex and love were intrinsically related

Actually they are. That doesn't mean that you can't have one without the other, but they do bleed into each other in very significant ways.

Unsure nymph wrote:

but now I just think sex is animal instinct and that it takes another role with love in the equation.

Why should these two different views of sex be mutually exclusive?

Human beings aren't always simple, and sex ties into how we think on a whole bunch of levels. Don't go looking for a single simple answer as to how sex and love relate to each other. If you find one, it's wrong.

Unsure nymph wrote:

Let's call my fella Ben. We met back in February, made it apparent that we liked each other, got together at the end of march

So, you're seeing this guy, but it's very new and you don't have any sort of real relationship yet.

Unsure nymph wrote:

and things got very physical the day we got together.

Physical pleasures are one of the things that makes life worth living. Don't necessarily read anything more into them than that simple fact.

Unsure nymph wrote:

I think our relationship,

After this little time you've got less of a relationship with this guy that I do with some people I've never physically met.

Unsure nymph wrote:

from my side at least, is built on physical lust

Yay, go lust. Lust is great. Lust is one of the drives that can bring us the most joy in life when we exercise it well. I love lust.

Doesn't mean I have to be stupid about it though.

Unsure nymph wrote:

Everyday we've ever been alone together things have always gotten very physical and yesterday I let him finger me,

Point about perspectives here. I'd probably say that yesterday it got a wee bit physical.

This is not to say that your definition of "physical" is wrong and mine is right. They're both right for each of us.

However, it does point out that saying "things have always gotten very physical" is actually completely meaningless outside of it telling us that it got to be something that you consider physical. It has no meaning in any objective way.

Unsure nymph wrote:

He told me it gets harder for him to restrain himself everytime we're together, and it doesn't help that I'm a tease.

He sounds like quite an asshole.

Unsure nymph wrote:

I feel kind of bad about that, because he probably wants sex more than I do and because he's almost nineteen and probably feels like I'm restricting him.

I'll let you into a secret about men. We don't actually spontaneously combust if we don't have sex.

Now, we do generally like to have sex quite a lot. I want sex right now, I'm just letting my dinner digest a bit first. Still, if we want it badly and can't have it we won't physically explode. We'll just masturbate more often, same as women.

Unsure nymph wrote:

He said he was happy to wait, yet when I was leaving his apartment he told me to push him off me because he might just go ahead without my consent.

Maybe you're failing to convey something about his tone here, but this is sort of lost on me.

If someone is in the process of raping a child you don't "push him off", you stop it by any means necessary if you can, up to and including homicide. The law understands this, and such a homicide isn't murder or even manslaughter.

If someone indicates that they think it's at all likely that they would do this, you avoid the little pervert falling back to the "any means necessary" situation mentioned above if this fails.

If this was meant to be humorous or something, you just avoid them because people that have that sort of sense of humour aren't good company.

Unsure nymph wrote:

I'm just tired of waiting for someone to lose it to and but I'm scared I'll regret it in the long-run as it'll leave me feeling hollow and lead to me being promiscuous and skanky etc. but on the other hand I want sex a lot, especially with him. Should I wait for someone who I love or just lose it to him?

You should at least wait until you aren't a child any more.

PeakOutput wrote:

1)do people actually try and persuade peole not to use protection with the above arguments????
2)dopeople actually give in to these arguments???

thats mad i thought that was just bull**** to fill up pages in sex ed books

I know, but there are people who think that, and the OP could well be one judging from how other bits in her post indicate she knows very little about sex.

David Michael

Can't be assed reading all the usual replies.

make sure if you decide to... a condom is used.

never mind all the experts here. Most learnt from your mistake

Nice post btw.

David Michael

Talliesin wrote:

I'll let you into a secret about men. We don't actually spontaneously combust if we don't have sex.

Now, we do generally like to have sex quite a lot. I want sex right now, I'm just letting my dinner digest a bit first. Still, if we want it badly and can't have it we won't physically explode. We'll just masturbate more often, same as women.

You have a **** after dinner?

weird!

Jesus Wept

David Michael wrote:

Can't be assed reading all the usual replies.

make sure if you decide to... a condom is used.

never mind all the experts here. Most learnt from your mistake

Nice post btw.

bit of a usual reply so, condom has been said many many times

hullaballoo

Just a point of information: thanks to the Mr A case and the subsequent legislatory fiasco, your "boyfriend" would already be considered a rapist under the law.

Many are the rants I've had about the practicality of such a law, but it's now the case that your chappy could face 5 years for "Defilement of a child under the age of 17 years". Now, defilement is broadly defined as sexual intercourse, or buggery and a few other things. The one against which your boyfriend has offended is known as "section 4 rape" - what you call "fingering".

Anyway, I assume you are aware that the law doesn't look kindly on this sort of thing. Children shouldn't be raped. Simple as.

You may also think, "well, I'm not going to tell the Gardaí, so there's no problem", but if you got caught by your parents, they might. If you got pregnant, your parents might have an inkling that you'd been having sexual intercourse, and might tell them.

dudara

I don't want to make you feel that we're speaking down to you here, but it does seem apparent from your posts that you are not emotionally ready to have a fully sexual relationship. You don't appear to understand the reasons to have one, and the consequences of having such relations.

Not having intercourse does not make you "repressed". When you say that, it makes me think that you've been listening too much to men who also call you a "tease". These men are sensing your insecurity about having sexual relations and are using it to their advantage to pressure you into activities you don't appear to be comfortable with.

To me, and please bear in mind that this is only my opinion, you seem to be trying to convince yourself that this is right course of action for you. WHen you find yourself trying to convince yourself of something, then the one thing that you can be sure of is that the course of action is not right.

If, none the less, you decide to proceed, please use protection, and if possible, get yourself on the pill.

pbsuxok1znja4r

Lil Kitten wrote:

Ready emotionally eh?

You want to get it over and done with? You don't who care with? Yea... real ready. :rolleyes: You're a horny teenager. FFS, you think you're a tease because you weren't ready! You are in no way ready. You're still confused, you don't know who or what you want.
Why are you with guy you don't and won't ever love?

Animal or emotional? Romantic or just lust? You need to answer those.

Also, think about these too.

1. You're underage.
2. He's over age and can get arrested. Did you know that?
3. Are you on contraception?
4. Do you know what you would do if you got pregnant?
5. Would you be ok talking to your parents about sex openly and letting them know you were sexually active?
6. Is there some reason why you've always needed to a have a boyfriend since you were 12 or 13???

Just relax. What's the rush? Grow up.

I'd just like to flag this as a really shabby post. I shouldn't even be giving it the publicity of quoting it, but whatever. Thumbs down to a lot (not necessarily all) of this reasoning.

Anyway, OP, if it won't matter in 5 years time, it doesn't matter now. To a point. If you don't feel comfortable having sex at any given point, don't. But don't make a rule of it. Also don't deny yourself the satisfaction of your natural urges, either. If you feel like you want it, don't let over-thinking hold you back.

There is no right or wrong choice, just whatever gives you peace of mind.

I suppose that seeing as you're underage and he isn't, we in this thread should all be seen to give the advice that you should abstain, but TBH, just decide which option you want more and go for that.

Lorax

scouser.tommy wrote:

Anyway, OP, if it won't matter in 5 years time, it doesn't matter now.

So an 18 year old lad bangin a 13 year old girl is ok? Right so..

scouser.tommy wrote:

I suppose that seeing as you're underage and he isn't, we in this thread should all be seen to give the advice that you should abstain, but TBH, just decide which option you want more and go for that.

Ah yeah, and sure smoke some crack cocaine, steal a car, etc. Doesnt matter if its illegal so long as its ok with you yea?

pbsuxok1znja4r

Lorax wrote:

So an 18 year old lad bangin a 13 year old girl is ok? Right so..

Hell no, why would that be ok?!

wrote:

Ah yeah, and sure smoke some crack cocaine, steal a car, etc. Doesnt matter if its illegal so long as its ok with you yea?

Well my own own sense of right and wrong does for me, transcend the Irish constitution, yes. If that's what you mean. Doesn't yours?

Wibbs

Talliesin wrote:

This will legally make your boyfriend a rapist.
You don't read like someone who this is emotionally ready now.

Why on earth do people define sex as excluding oral sex and handjobs? Okay, you're inexperienced so in your case it's not that weird. Still, it disturbs me as the only possible explanation is that a very sizable proportion of the sexually active population have only ever had really crap sex, hence leading to this silly idea gaining root.

Nobody that has good sex thinks that oral sex and handjobs aren't sex. I'm glad I grew out of that notion while I was still completely inexperienced myself, which is why I mention it here.

Anyway, I'll assume you mean intercourse when you say "sex" from now on.

What on earth do you mean "always". You've been legally able to have sex for a total of -1 years.

Now, fair enough you're at a point where you are near the age of consent, and it's not like there'll be a major shift in you on midnight of your 17th birthday. But still, "always".

Sorry, but children not having sex doesn't need any explanation. You are a child, and earlier in your life you were a young child. That's enough to be keeping guys back with.



Statutory rape is not the same thing as not being repressed.

I'm all for having sex as often as possible, in as many ways as possible.

I help run a fetish club, so I'm not exactly the spitting image of Ian Paisley in regards to ideas about what's a morally acceptable sexual act or anything. Still, you're just a horny child - children not having sex is not a sign of repression.

Actually they are. That doesn't mean that you can't have one without the other, but they do bleed into each other in very significant ways. Why should these two different views of sex be mutually exclusive?

Human beings aren't always simple, and sex ties into how we think on a whole bunch of levels. Don't go looking for a single simple answer as to how sex and love relate to each other. If you find one, it's wrong.

So, you're seeing this guy, but it's very new and you don't have any sort of real relationship yet.
Physical pleasures are one of the things that makes life worth living. Don't necessarily read anything more into them than that simple fact.
After this little time you've got less of a relationship with this guy that I do with some people I've never physically met.
Yay, go lust. Lust is great. Lust is one of the drives that can bring us the most joy in life when we exercise it well. I love lust.

Doesn't mean I have to be stupid about it though.

Point about perspectives here. I'd probably say that yesterday it got a wee bit physical.

This is not to say that your definition of "physical" is wrong and mine is right. They're both right for each of us.

However, it does point out that saying "things have always gotten very physical" is actually completely meaningless outside of it telling us that it got to be something that you consider physical. It has no meaning in any objective way.

He sounds like quite an asshole.



I'll let you into a secret about men. We don't actually spontaneously combust if we don't have sex.

Now, we do generally like to have sex quite a lot. I want sex right now, I'm just letting my dinner digest a bit first. Still, if we want it badly and can't have it we won't physically explode. We'll just masturbate more often, same as women.

Maybe you're failing to convey something about his tone here, but this is sort of lost on me.

If someone is in the process of raping a child you don't "push him off", you stop it by any means necessary if you can, up to and including homicide. The law understands this, and such a homicide isn't murder or even manslaughter.

If someone indicates that they think it's at all likely that they would do this, you avoid the little pervert falling back to the "any means necessary" situation mentioned above if this fails.

If this was meant to be humorous or something, you just avoid them because people that have that sort of sense of humour aren't good company.


You should at least wait until you aren't a child any more.

I know, but there are people who think that, and the OP could well be one judging from how other bits in her post indicate she knows very little about sex.

Read and re-read this post. Good advice will serve you well.

I help run a fetish club, so I'm not exactly the spitting image of Ian Paisley in regards to ideas about what's a morally acceptable sexual act or anything.

Class. Pure class, but it should tell you that the rest of the post and the advice contained within is well worth absorbing.

scouser.tommy wrote:

I'd just like to flag this as a really shabby post.

I would love to see your logical, emotional and moral reasons behind that idea. I really would.

There is no right or wrong choice, just whatever gives you peace of mind.

Mkay. Meanwhile back in the real world.....

aye

Unsure nymph wrote:

Everyday we've ever been alone together things have always gotten very physical and yesterday I let him finger me, which was a big step for me as I'd always said no up till then. We almost had sex, which I initiated, but I declined when he was taking off his trousers as it just wasn't romantic enough and I knew I had to leave in about 30 minutes anyway, so it wouldn't have been too much fun. He told me it gets harder for him to restrain himself everytime we're together, and it doesn't help that I'm a tease. I feel kind of bad about that, because he probably wants sex more than I do and because he's almost nineteen and probably feels like I'm restricting him. He said he was happy to wait, yet when I was leaving his apartment he told me to push him off me because he might just go ahead without my consent.

i havent read all of the posts, so this has probably been said, but it sounds to me like he is using you to get some sex. pushing you into it. i can picture him having a joke with his buddies about it.
having said that i don't know him so can't be sure.
at the end of the day you are only 16, there is no rush, and you should wait until fingering isnt such a big deal anymore.
if you do do it, use a condom.

Kell

aye wrote:

I can picture him having a joke with his buddies about it.
having said that i don't know him so can't be sure.

That also struck me as odd. At the age of 19, I wouldnt have looked sideways at anyone younger than me. That was a no no and my mates would have crucified me with the slaggings if I was going out with someone younger.

Going out with someone who is underage when you are not underage yourself, just makes my skin crawl.

K-

PinkPrincess26

Beetlebum wrote:

I know a girl who still insists that you can't get pregnant in the shower cause the semen gets washed away......she's 25!!!

Cateym

Kell wrote:

That also struck me as odd. At the age of 19, I wouldnt have looked sideways at anyone younger than me. That was a no no and my mates would have crucified me with the slaggings if I was going out with someone younger.

Going out with someone who is underage when you are not underage yourself, just makes my skin crawl.

K-

My other half is from Dingle in Kerry and I'm not joking you this sort of thing is rife down there, 19 year olds with girls 2-3 years younger. I have a real prob with it. College lads with school girls, the shame!!!

I'm from Limerick and you'd be hung by the b@*ls if you were going out with anyone that age at 19!

Wibbs

Kell wrote:

That also struck me as odd. At the age of 19, I wouldnt have looked sideways at anyone younger than me. That was a no no and my mates would have crucified me with the slaggings if I was going out with someone younger.

Going out with someone who is underage when you are not underage yourself, just makes my skin crawl.

K-

I'm with you on that one. I do remember though that at that age quite a few girls were actively looking for bloke that age. It was a badge of honour to snare an "older" bloke. I remember one girl who was seeing a 26 year old at 17. A lot of her mates were envious at her "maturity". This was back in the land before sex mind....:D

LegacyUser

'I don't have a lot of time to type everything that I want to say so I'll just reply to a couple of prevalent things which have been brought up in this thread:

I actually initiated having sex with him by asking him if he had a condom. I'm afraid much to the disappointment of some of the posters I'm not completely clueless about contraception. I wouldn't go on the pill because it leaves oestrogen in the water-supply which can't be chemically removed but I've put a lot of time into figuring out my menstrual cycle so I know when I'm fertile or not etc.

I thought I made it apparent in my original post that I consider handjobs and oral sex to be the same as sex. That's why I wanted to go all the way first and why I declined all moves in that direction from guys in the past.

I'm not in a rush to lose my virginity imo. The problem which I've raised is that I'm trying to figure out which would be better for me in the long run; to just go and have sex and basically have fun or to hold out for someone who I love; simple as that. I understand the other issues which have been raised but for me that's the one thing that's I'm dealing with.

I come across as older than I am and Ben showed interest in me before he knew how old I am.

The reason why he called me a tease is because I actually was consciously mildly teasing him. Considering how other people have gone into detail about sexual habits *looks at Kell* I think it's safe to describe what I'm talking about; finger sucking (especially when he's on the phone), wrapping my legs around him in coital-positions. And I was talking to my ex-boyf about things not too long ago (he's still a good friend of mine) and he agreed that I'm a tease. It was actually said to me as a kind of joking compliment by both of them.

And yes, I know that I'm not emotionally ready! Definitely not, but having sex with him now would be solely physical and I'm happy to an extent to go ahead with that but in the long run I probably shouldn't. I don't mean that I think I'm physically ready because I get aroused every so often, I know, don't ask me how beca\use this is one area where I'll fail to articulate things properly.

Thanks for all the replies, some which were very funny, some which were very venomous, but I'm prepared to take the blatantly offensive ones with the genuinely useful ones.'

PeakOutput

Wibbs wrote:

I'm with you on that one. I do remember though that at that age quite a few girls were actively looking for bloke that age. It was a badge of honour to snare an "older" bloke. I remember one girl who was seeing a 26 year old at 17. A lot of her mates were envious at her "maturity". This was back in the land before sex mind....:D

ye dat bollox goes on everywhere.........i always noticed though that while the girls were good looking and in some cases great looking they could still only get older fellas who couldnt get girl friends their own age.

when i was 18 MAYBE i would of been with a sixteen year old.....maybe.....19 not a chance im 21 now and 19 would prob be the limit for me although it might be difficult to keep those rules as i go into 1st year college next year :P

Dudess

OP, you're a great writer and an intelligent girl. But don't go having casual sex - you're too young.

Talliesin

hullaball&#250 wrote:

The one against which your boyfriend has offended is known as "section 4 rape" - what you call "fingering".

Depends on exactly what he did while fingering. Since section 4 of the Criminal Law (Rape) Act wouldn't cover digital sex unless his fingers were actually inserted into her vagina.

Her being legally unable to consent could still make him legally guilty of sexual assault if he'd kept strictly to her clitoris.

Smiley012

Sorry to go slightly off topic here, but what do mean 'I wouldn't go on the pill because it leaves oestrogen in the water-supply which can't be chemically removed but I've put a lot of time into figuring out my menstrual cycle so I know when I'm fertile or not etc.'

Am I totally dumb here, because I'm on the pill and I have no idea what you're referring to.

Also, you may think you know when you're fertile and when you're not, but a day or two here or there could make a hell of a huge difference!

On the sex issue, yeah if you feel it'll make you happy have sex, but if you want to save yourself for someone you love, then do!

Tell him, you don't love him, and you want you're first time to be with someone you love.

Otherwise, get to know him better and then you never know, you may realise that you do love him, and it's not all lust.

PeakOutput

Smiley012 wrote:

Sorry to go slightly off topic here, but what do mean 'I wouldn't go on the pill because it leaves oestrogen in the water-supply which can't be chemically removed

i havent heard of the pill doing this either but i assume she means that when she goes to the toilet she is putting extra oestregen into the water supply which will always be there(i could be way way off there)............if this is true then it is a problem but thats a discussion for another thread

tinkerbell

I don't have a clue what the OP is going on about either, water supply, huh?!!

Caliden

If you want to have it with someone who will love you, then wait. There's no rush and losing it to someone just for the sake of losing it isn't a very valid reason. The first time is always the most memorable (well depending if you're on the lock before hand) and the most special.

As for the 2 guys (ex-bf and current one) saing you're a tease, sounds to me like they just wanted/want sex as soon as possible. Make you current bf wait for it and you will find out if he actually have feelings for you or not. If he breaks up with you then you know he is just a waste of time.

Placebo

OP fair play for holding out, wish all girls were like you