Married 5 years- no sex

forgotmyname

Hello all,
Just a recent member of boards and finding some of the threads very interesting. My problem is driving me slowly around the twist and very interested in hearing peoples views. We're married 5 years and still have not had sex. We decided to wait 'till marriage to have sex mainly at my wifes wishes. I have tried everything with my wife, love her very much and she is a wonderful person otherwise. She says things will change, give it time and not to worry. She will not discuss it in any more detail- have suggested books, etc- no avail.
I reached the end of line with this and can see no way out except to end marriage. This has all been said to her endless times but no use.
What do I do?

Beruthiel

Have you suggested seeing a professional in order to find out what her problem is?

Marksie

I am with beruthiel on this.

It does seem that there are severe intimacy issues which are beyond the initial scope of books and going it alone and indeed boardsters.

I belive that a qualified therapist is the best way for you to go. The thing I would say, is not to end the marriage yet, but to help and support and encourage your wife to go, and go with her.

seamus

Yep, this is well beyond any advice you're going to get here unfortunately. I commend your will and integrity. Many lesser men would have faltered long before now.

If she is totally unwilling to talk to a professional, then go yourself to get advice on how to convince her to see a professional.

milod

I hate to sound cynical or pessimistic here, but if this is a serious enquiry (and no offence but I find it hard to believe...) then I think the situation might even be beyond a professional therapist.

Anyone who can avoid sexual intimacy for 5 years in a marriage has serious issues - the sort that don't normally respond to any of the usual psychological/therapeutic avenues.

Best of luck mate, but sometimes in life you need to be at least prepared to accept that some interpersonal challenges don't have a happy ending (whether or not all participants are willing and/or motivated to sort them out).

Hagar

Five years plus all the time before the marriage is a hell of a long time.
Psychological reasons for celibacy aside are there physical obstacles? Are you sure she's a woman? Is there any possibility that she has had gender re-assignment prior to your meeting?

warrenaldo

i would say leave - she lied to you by telliing you that you would when you got married - 5 yrs married and still nothing. something needs to be done. thats shocking. is there any sexual contact or just no sex?

Tivoli

sure the wedding isn't even offical until you've done the deed, so it should be hastle free to break up, even the parish priest will be on your side


have you cheated on her at all, most of the lads i know would have ploughed a field by now

MrNuked

It's bizarre that she seems so calm about it.
You're going to have to hurt her feelings and tell her this is not ok.

Tivoli

Tivoli wrote:

sure the wedding isn't even offical until you've done the deed, so it should be hastle free to break up, even the parish priest will be on your side

Thats actually quite true afaik.
Non consumation is grounds for an annullment ie no need for a messy divorce.
That said I don't know what the legal implications regarding your wifes entitlements in such a situation.

The OP must love her dearly to have stayed this long.
Get professional advice.

HJ Simpson

Seriously go and see a therapist. We had a similar problem which has now I am happy to say been sorted after about two years of therapy. The issue started when she started to feel pains during sex. This kind of escalated into her not wanting intercourse at all. Its a drawn out process but give it a go it is worth it.

hjs

Miss Fluff

forgotmyname wrote:

She says things will change, give it time and not to worry.

5 years is ample time. She's not playing cricket, she needs to see a professional and quick smart. You need to invoke the help of a third party as a matter of urgency, her assurances that everything will be fine shouldn't wash any more. Next thing you know another five years will have gone by and you won't have gotten any further.

Your wife has serious issues and unfortunately you are not equipped to help her. If she's unwilling to go and talk to someone you will have to seriously have to consider whether you can exist in an entirely sexless marriage.

Shelli

I really hate to bring this up, and will probably be shot for even mentioning it, but is there a huge age gap? Are you an elderly man and she a very young woman? Or is there an element of her being a "kept woman", in other words, could she be with you for your wealth?

My other question would be (and again I'm most probably going to be berated for this), but is there a visa involved? How did you meet her, how long did you know her before you married?

matt-dublin

it is also porrible that something happened to her in the past ie sexual abuse/rape and she may not be comfortable engaging in sexual relations.

I would suggest a counsiller or therapist to help find the root of the problem

Anti

seamus wrote:

Yep, this is well beyond any advice you're going to get here unfortunately. I commend your will and integrity. Many lesser men would have faltered long before now.

If she is totally unwilling to talk to a professional, then go yourself to get advice on how to convince her to see a professional.

Seconded.

Many a man would of gone elsewhere by now. Give yourself a pat on the back mate. And yeah i think professional help would be the best too.

Kell

forgotmyname wrote:

She will not discuss it in any more detail-

What do I do?

After five years- tell her to hit the road. Most here have suggested therapy, which I normally would by the way, but if someone is just not receptive to what you are saying after five years and however long before you got married, its time to walk past them.

As you said, you are losing your sanity over this. No one is worth that.

K-

Dr_Teeth

Get an anullment and move on, you only have one life!

5 years? More info please. Is there any physical love going on at all? When you say no sex, is there anything else or completely nothing???

When you confront her about this - what is her reaction?

There has to be more to this story unless its a troll

Zombrex

milod wrote:

Anyone who can avoid sexual intimacy for 5 years in a marriage has serious issues - the sort that don't normally respond to any of the usual psychological/therapeutic avenues.

That isn't actually true. In fact one of the most common reason women seek professional services of a councilor or therapist in Ireland is because of anxiety towards sex, which can often manifest itself as being painful when a woman has sex which puts the women off sex even more, sometimes for years on end.

To the OP, I've been there, and it is very unlikely that your wifes problem what ever is causing it, will simply go away. There is something causing it, either physical or mental, and you should both seek professional advice and help

I wouldn't be as strong as Kell or others who say just kick her out, but you are perfectly within the bounds of acceptable relationship behavior to say that this is not healthy and it is putting a huge strain on your relationship. Sure even the most die hard conservative religious people realise that a sexual relationship with in a marriage is healthy.

Speaking from experience you should be prepared for a defensive reply from her that you are only interested in her for sex, or that if you really loved her then sex wouldn't matter to you. I've been there and this can be hard to deal with. The natural tendency is to feel guilty that you are even thinking about sex.

But really it is bullsh*t, it is a defense on her part because she doesn't want to deal with what ever problems she has with relation to sex. And she would at least be investigating what is going on if she loves you and cares about making the marriage work.

easyontheeye

so your telling me your a man and you have gone without sex for 5 years!!! how the hell have you managed that??? :eek:

forgotmyname

forgotmyname wrote:

She will not discuss it in any more detail- have suggested books, etc- no avail.

If she is concrete not willing to discuss this the dont be fooled by

forgotmyname wrote:

She says things will change, give it time and not to worry.

Run fast your not getting any younger. Like the others said the priest will be on your side.

She must be a lesbian or something, or else a rape victim or something like that and if the latter then for the marriage to be successful she must be able to confide in her husband about these things. If she cant then you have no hope of being sane in the future. You will lead a very unhappy life.

Sangre

Tristrame wrote:

Thats actually quite true afaik.
Non consumation is grounds for an annullment ie no need for a messy divorce.
That said I don't know what the legal implications regarding your wifes entitlements in such a situation.

The OP must love her dearly to have stayed this long.
Get professional advice.

The wife would be entitled to nothing, the marriage never existed in the eyes of the law.

Or in the eyes of the church

Zombrex

Deleted User wrote:

She must be a lesbian or something, or else a rape victim or something like that

You would be surprised how common it is in Ireland for woman to have low sex drive because of anxiety towards sex, and for much less dramatic reasons than something like rape or closet lesbianism.

empirix

In all seriousness - are you sure she's a woman? dodedodedo its the crying game!

Sangre

Wicknight wrote:

You would be surprised how common it is in Ireland for woman to have low sex drive because of anxiety towards sex, and for much less dramatic reasons than something like rape or closet lesbianism.

I think there is a difference between a low sex drive/anxiety and never sleeping with your husband of 5 years and not even making an issue of it.

Zombrex

Sangre wrote:

I think there is a difference between a low sex drive/anxiety and never sleeping with your husband of 5 years and not even making an issue of it.

Well not really. If she doesn't want to have sex for some underlying reason it is not going to really matter if it is 5 years or 50 years. Until the issue she has is tackled she won't want to have sex.

As for not making an issue out of it she most likely doesn't want to make an issue out of it because doing so would require her to confront the problem or the underlying cause of the problem. People tend not to rush to face issues that cause them anxiety, preferring instead to ignore them or to deflect the issue onto something else ("You only want me for sex!" being an example)

She might not even really realise that how she feels isn't normal. She might have rationalised it that this is just how she is. But the fact that she refuses to discuss it would suggest that she realises that something is going on but doesn't want to face it.

Marksie

Wicknight wrote:

Well not really. If she doesn't want to have sex for some underlying reason it is not going to really matter if it is 5 years or 50 years. Until the issue she has is tackled she won't want to have sex.

As for not making an issue out of it she most likely doesn't want to make an issue out of it because doing so would require her to confront the problem or the underlying cause of the problem. People tend not to rush to face issues that cause them anxiety, preferring instead to ignore them or to deflect the issue onto something else ("You only want me for sex!" being an example)

She might not even really realise that how she feels isn't normal. She might have rationalised it that this is just how she is. But the fact that she refuses to discuss it would suggest that she realises that something is going on but doesn't want to face it.

Quoted for truth

However, we will not know for sureand are making assumptions. We are not qualified to say anything. The basic advice of professional help is the best.

Some of the views coming though here are extreme and would only cause the OP a worry headache.

kimm10

forgotmyname wrote:

Hello all,
Just a recent member of boards and finding some of the threads very interesting. My problem is driving me slowly around the twist and very interested in hearing peoples views. We're married 5 years and still have not had sex. We decided to wait 'till marriage to have sex mainly at my wifes wishes. I have tried everything with my wife, love her very much and she is a wonderful person otherwise. She says things will change, give it time and not to worry. She will not discuss it in any more detail- have suggested books, etc- no avail.
I reached the end of line with this and can see no way out except to end marriage. This has all been said to her endless times but no use.
What do I do?

you must love her very much and i admire your sentiments! i don't know which kind of person you are, but i think you have to find a solution and fast! i think the best will be to take her to a good therapist and to try solve it as soon as possible. without sex, actually you have no marriage, especially now when you are young and just started your way together. not just because of the sex, but think about the physical connection, the beauty of feeling to become like one person with the woman you love, and why not, think about children! every normal person want children, and for now i think this is the best way to have it! how can you live with somebody who would not be ready to share this wonderful thing with you? i am sure her problem is coming for a past trauma, and if you really love her, do whatever you need to do, and take her to a proper treatment. you deserve a real wife in your bed, and she deserve to live a real life, a life of sharing her love with her husband!

Zombrex

marksuttonie wrote:

However, we will not know for sureand are making assumptions. We are not qualified to say anything. The basic advice of professional help is the best.

Oh of course. I'm just going on my own experiences with a girl I went out with. The OP's wife might have a completely different situation going on.

As you say the way to handle it, what ever is going on, is with professional help

forgotmyname

Hi all,
Thanks to everyone for your replies, though in a few cases they are a little extreme. I must admit if I was an outside person looking at this I would advise the husband to run a mile. However when you are personally involved it is never that simple.
There are no major issues such as age, rape , etc and all appears normal to anyone looking at us. There is a small level of intimacy- ok when you're in your teens! The most disappointing thing is her refusal to really acknowledge the issue and do something about it. She refuses to get a medical to rule out any inherent problem. I feel were I to drop the issue she would be fine about it. I pointed out my dispair and told her considering going elsewhere for whats missing- affair, separation, annulment, etc. However, I don't really want to go down that road.
Maybe someone would have contact details for professionals in this area?

Miss Fluff

MRCS deals in Sex Therapy, €65 per session according to website

http://www.mrcs.ie/SexTherapy.html

If she won't agree to go, pack your bags.

Beruthiel

forgotmyname wrote:

There are no major issues such as age, rape , etc

Well there is DEFO something, you don't know what it is, she might not even know what it is, but this is not normal and something is missing in all of this.

Maybe someone would have contact details for professionals in this area?

Go to your doctor and ask to be refered. Tell your wife that ye are going to see a professional, do not let her back out, tell her your marriage depends on it or you're walking. What she expects from you is too much and no one should ever be 5 years into a marriage without a sexual side to it. End of story.

Marksie

Beruthiel wrote:

do not let her back out, tell her your marriage depends on it or you're walking.

Emphasised.

It IS make or break for you OP, You know this and we do. So if necessary kicking and screaming, and keep her going.

Tivoli

Do ye have any kids, if so they might not be yours :eek:

padser

I noticed that you never answered the quesiton about whether there is a big age gap between you and her?

rivers

he said 'no major issues such as age...'
anyway yea there's definitely something there that she's not telling you, whether it is past experiences, preconceptions about sex or maybe she's one of those people who the idea of sex makes them disgusted...
either way you have to give her an ultimatum, either get help or its over...

pbsuxok1znja4r

Beruthiel wrote:

What she expects from you is too much and no one should ever be 5 years into a marriage without a sexual side to it. End of story.

Interesting point. I completely agree with you, of course, but I'm wondering, if 5 years is definitely too long w/out sex, is 4 yrs11 months also too long? Is 4 years 10 months also too long? 4 years 9 months and 30 days; too long? See where I'm going with this? How can you begin to say where it begins to be too long?

Anyway, my opinion - Tell her to get help about it or you're outta there. Decide now if you're willing to go the rest of your life without sex, and if you're not, (which I think you shouldn't be) then either she should get it sorted or you should get outta there.

BoozyBabe

scouser.tommy wrote:

if 5 years is definitely too long w/out sex, is 4 yrs11 months also too long? Is 4 years 10 months also too long? 4 years 9 months and 30 days; too long? See where I'm going with this? How can you begin to say where it begins to be too long?

Well, for me, if I came home from my honeymoon, & we had not had sex, or atleast attempted it:- THAT would be TOO long.

After that:- if by 6 months I was still in the situation where the OP is now, I'd be considering packing my bags / counselling.

The situation he's in is ridiculous & kudos to the op for putting up with it.

What did she say when you mentioned gettin git elsewhere OP?
Did she seem all that bothered with the comment?
She can hardly expect you to do without for the rest of your life.

What about children?
Does she never want them, or does she think Storks bring them to you like in the nursery rhymes.

As other posters have said. Give her the very stern ultimatum. Counselling or you walk.
If she turns down counselling, as hurtful as it may be, you'll know exactly how much you mean to this woman.

Marksie

scouser.tommy wrote:

Interesting point. I completely agree with you, of course, but I'm wondering, if 5 years is definitely too long w/out sex, is 4 yrs11 months also too long? Is 4 years 10 months also too long? 4 years 9 months and 30 days; too long? See where I'm going with this? How can you begin to say where it begins to be too long?

I would talk for beruthiel but she was highlighting the time the OP had stated in his post.
The answer to your question is 5 years was as much as the OP could take. It may ahve been too long aftre one month

Beruthiel

scouser.tommy wrote:

Interesting point. I completely agree with you, of course, but I'm wondering, if 5 years is definitely too long w/out sex, is 4 yrs11 months also too long? Is 4 years 10 months also too long? 4 years 9 months and 30 days; too long? See where I'm going with this? How can you begin to say where it begins to be too long?.

The OP stated his marriage is 5 years.
For me, I would have thought if you were coming home from the honeymoon without doing the deed, then you're in trouble.

GLaDOS

At what age did you start going out? Was she always reluctent to be intimate?

Zombrex

rivers wrote:

he said 'no major issues such as age...'
anyway yea there's definitely something there that she's not telling you, whether it is past experiences, preconceptions about sex or maybe she's one of those people who the idea of sex makes them disgusted...
either way you have to give her an ultimatum, either get help or its over...

She might not even realise what the problem is herself, which is where therapy can help

Oryx

forgotmyname wrote:

I have tried everything with my wife, love her very much and she is a wonderful person otherwise. She says things will change, give it time and not to worry.

These lines stood out for me. You must love her a lot, Im pretty sure not too many men would have held out this long. You must tick along quite nicely in your marriage apart from the sex, for it to have held together, so it really sounds to me like it's worth saving.

Your wife has been allowed to let this situation continue till now, her excuses and placations have kept you from pushing the issue with her. You need to stress to her that that will not work anymore. Im not saying issue a grand ultimatum, this is such a deep long term problem with her, theres every chance she might let you go rather than face up to it. Encourage her to explore whats wrong with you, slowly, through a counsellor. Perhaps dealing with it as something you are going to solve together might make her feel less like its just her disability? There is no 'fault' here, she simply has a problem you both need to sort out.

Making it into a 'you versus me' fight might only cause her more worry and stress and im sure she is stressed about as it is, even if shes not really letting it show.

I wish you both all the luck in the world with this, I hope your wife gets past her issues so she can enjoy the sexual part of her life.

testicle

forgotmyname wrote:

Hello all,
Just a recent member of boards and finding some of the threads very interesting. My problem is driving me slowly around the twist and very interested in hearing peoples views. We're married 5 years and still have not had sex. We decided to wait 'till marriage to have sex mainly at my wifes wishes. I have tried everything with my wife, love her very much and she is a wonderful person otherwise. She says things will change, give it time and not to worry. She will not discuss it in any more detail- have suggested books, etc- no avail.
I reached the end of line with this and can see no way out except to end marriage. This has all been said to her endless times but no use.
What do I do?

This is grounds for an annullment.

SarahSassy

Im curious if there is any passion between you when you kiss - does she fancy you? Are you touching each other intimately which ultimately leads to orgasm but just no sex???

My intitial reaction is that she just does not fancy you? Is she a virgin?

DublinWriter

OP, I really can see that you're hitting a brick wall with this.

I think it would be fair to state the fact she's not willing to discuss the issue with you (i.e. her husband) would be described as being totally unreasonable on her part.

You need to spell out the future options for your marriage to her, but don't make her feel trapped, or backed into a corner.

God alone knows what might (or might not) have happened to her in her childhood to make her feel this way about sex, so don't rush in reading the Divorce Act. Just explain the options to her in a gentle and thoughtful way.

ronbyrne2005

Why did she get married if she felt like this? Could she be in denial about being a lesbian? Some people are just not into sex but she shouldnt have married you if she didnt intend to have sex. If you still love her try to get her to couples therapy first and they can recomend other professionals to see. If she wont do anything about it you may have to leave her or go elsewhere for your needs.
http://www.accord.ie/

spoofilyj

Holy crap that just seems so unbelievable.:eek:

The OP is the most patient person Ever.
If I got to five hours of marrage with out sex I'd be asking questions!
Fair play but seriously get help and lots of it.

You have more inner zen then the Dali Lama to last five years...

Best of luck with it. I hope you finall:confused get a solution.

Victor

Wicknight wrote:

She might not even really realise that how she feels isn't normal.

kimm10 wrote:

every normal person want children

In psychological matters, be very careful in implying something is normal / abnormal. Each to their own and all that.

That said, I imagine both parties are missing out.

JC 2K3

kimm10 wrote:

every normal person want children

That's so wrong.