How long will a man wait? Why so much pressure to have sex?

LegacyUser

I've just been reading the "First date coffee" thread and there seems to be a lot of men saying they expect sex after the first few dates - 3 or 4 I imagine, and if its not happening by then they're off. Some also seem to think that if the girl refuses she's just playing games and letting herself be swayed by 'the rules' rather than her own instinct. I'm just wondering why men feel this way?

Now I'm not talking about waiting for marriage or anything like that, but surely many girls find its important to trust a man before sleeping with him? I know its important to me. And I like to take the time to get to know, and feel totally comfortable with the guy, and I know that will take me more than a few dates. Does this mean I'm doomed to be single forever?

In my own case, there was a pretty unpleasant experience in my past which still affects my relationships to a degree. As a result of this I find it hard to trust and to get intimate with men. I get there in the end but it just takes time. This is why its so disheartening to read comments from men saying they pretty much expect the goods within the first few dates or they're not hanging around. And its not something I feel comfortable taking about with someone I've only met maybe three times, and even if I was honest chances are they'd run a mile anyway incase I'm too much hard work.

What is the rush these days?

Nevyn

It depends on the man.
We dont make sweeping statements here nor do we have a vox pop off all the male users off the site to give you the stats.

_Kaiser_

In fairness, I don't think most guys have a problem waiting for sex - it's the gameplaying, mixed messages and generally "headwrecking" behaviour a lot (no not all) girls engage in that drives them off. I certainly hate not knowing where I stand with someone.

If a guy is interested he'll be prepared to wait, but if he's not getting anything at all (and by that I don't necessarily mean physical intimacy although SOME isn't a bad thing either) back from her after the first few dates, then why SHOULD he stay around?

I've certainly dated my share of girls with ex issues, don't know what they want or change their minds without warning, can't say what they mean/feel, or engage in the aforementioned gameplaying like the "blankety blank" approach mentioned in the other thread.

Maybe I've just been unlucky (probably true), but I find it extremely rare to meet a woman who knows what she wants, who can be upfront and honest about their feelings (I'm not sayng you need to declare your undying love either though), isn't weighed down by emotional baggage (we all have a past but you should try not to let it influence things with someone new) and is interested in just taking it as it comes and having a bit of craic along the way.

patrickc

a man if interested in a girl and who likes her should wait until the girl is ready

r3nu4l

I wasn't a virgin at the time I started going out with my first serious girlfriend. She was and was serious about waiting until she felt ready so I waited and never put any pressure on. Over the months she knew I was serious about her and that she was serious about me. We built it up slowly and after 11 months we had sex together and I was glad we had waited, it was better that way and I've never regretted it. It depends very much on the guy and the girl.

Talliesin

I think you should try to do new and interesting things. This will broaden your experiences of people and help dispell the feeling that every man thinks the same.

Wibbs

Wondering wrote:

Now I'm not talking about waiting for marriage or anything like that, but surely many girls find its important to trust a man before sleeping with him? I know its important to me. And I like to take the time to get to know, and feel totally comfortable with the guy, and I know that will take me more than a few dates. Does this mean I'm doomed to be single forever?

Speaking as a man, I agree with you, funny enough. I need to be comfortable with the woman I want to be with too. Maybe the genes got mixed up with me. Actually they didn't. Many men think along those lines.

In my own case, there was a pretty unpleasant experience in my past which still affects my relationships to a degree. As a result of this I find it hard to trust and to get intimate with men. I get there in the end but it just takes time.

And it should for you. People differ and any man you want to be with should understand that.

This is why its so disheartening to read comments from men saying they pretty much expect the goods within the first few dates or they're not hanging around.

TBH I would go so far as to say they're not men but boys, because a man will at least try to understand the needs of the woman he choses to have in his life, whether that be for a night or something longer.

And its not something I feel comfortable taking about with someone I've only met maybe three times,

If you don't feel comfortable, then you shouldn't talk about it. You'll have plenty of time to feel comfortable with the right person.

and even if I was honest chances are they'd run a mile anyway incase I'm too much hard work.

Then let them run. If they are not willing to accept who you happen to be, want to be and are happy to be, warts and all then why the hell are you worrying about them? Seriously. Don't. Why do you think you're hard work? The best things are often worth the effort.

What is the rush these days?

There is a rush for some, but not all. Why judge yourself by what passes for normality "these days"? Often "these days" is a concept not a reality for a lot of people. Even if everyone else goes along with that, why should you go along with that if it's not comfortable for you? Answer? Don't. Be your own person. Nothing more attractive than someone who knows what they want.

Anyway here's a statement from a man;

r3nu4l wrote:

I wasn't a virgin at the time I started going out with my first serious girlfriend. She was and was serious about waiting until she felt ready so I waited and never put any pressure on. Over the months she knew I was serious about her and that she was serious about me. We built it up slowly and after 11 months we had sex together and I was glad we had waited, it was better that way and I've never regretted it. It depends very much on the guy and the girl.

and another;

patrickc2006 wrote:

a man if interested in a girl and who likes her should wait until the girl is ready

Yet another;

Talliesin wrote:

I think you should try to do new and interesting things. This will broaden your experiences of people and help dispell the feeling that every man thinks the same.

I repost these for effect, but, what does that tell you? A man who actually likes women, nay likes people will think along those lines. So don't sweat it.

greenkittie

I was also used to guys attempting to pressure me to have sex. When i met my current boyfriend at first i thought he wasn't that attractd to me as he made no attempt to make a move. So i talked to him about it and he said he wanted to wait, which i was fine with as i would have been making him wait regardless! We finally had sex after decideing that we loved each other. It really made me feel that he respected me by wanting to wait and made it so much more special when it finally did happen.

AthAnRi

Wondering wrote:

I've just been reading the "First date coffee" thread and there seems to be a lot of men saying they expect sex after the first few dates - 3 or 4 I imagine, and if its not happening by then they're off. Some also seem to think that if the girl refuses she's just playing games and letting herself be swayed by 'the rules' rather than her own instinct. I'm just wondering why men feel this way?

Now I'm not talking about waiting for marriage or anything like that, but surely many girls find its important to trust a man before sleeping with him? I know its important to me. And I like to take the time to get to know, and feel totally comfortable with the guy, and I know that will take me more than a few dates. Does this mean I'm doomed to be single forever?

In my own case, there was a pretty unpleasant experience in my past which still affects my relationships to a degree. As a result of this I find it hard to trust and to get intimate with men. I get there in the end but it just takes time. This is why its so disheartening to read comments from men saying they pretty much expect the goods within the first few dates or they're not hanging around. And its not something I feel comfortable taking about with someone I've only met maybe three times, and even if I was honest chances are they'd run a mile anyway incase I'm too much hard work.

What is the rush these days?

Sounds like your interested in the wrong type of guys. I know for a fact if I was interested in a girl I wouldn't care how long I had to wait provided that she showed me she was interested in someway

mathie

<-- waited years and years and it was worth it and is now engaged to that 'college sweetheart'.

Don't compromise your own feelings for populist ways of thinking.

Stick to your guns!

LegacyUser

From reading that thread as well I was thinking the exact same thing. However I am of the school of thought that it is better to wait until I am really comfortable with someone before I have sex with them. I have never had a one night stand - not because I belive that there is anything wrong with that - it's just not for me. Asking a guy to wait so far has never been a problem (usually around 2 months) and I am in the 27-30 bracket -- the age that some guys mentioned should be liberated enough to go home with someone on the first night or within 3-4 dates!

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In fact the argument that some people gave was that girls should be more liberated and that if you waited that meant that you were either back in the 1970's or had some catholic guilt complex around sex. Well I have neither and in fact I belive I am more liberated in that I am quite comfortable asking a guy to wait until I am ready. Don't worry OP- I had the initial thought when I read that Thread but then thought - that isn't actually how it is as many guys are fine about waiting.

ErinGoBrath

mathie wrote:

Stick to your guns!

Couldn't agree more. If the lad does a legger after a few dates because you haven't put out he's simply not worth it.

Not all fella's are the same. Have faith!

Icequeen

There's a certain group of guys on here the post s*it like that on every thread started by a girl, I'm only new here myself and I can even name them. What they say is irrelevant, they're just trying to act like they have big willies but for the most part they're probably hung like a thumbtack. Honey do it when you're ready, f*ck what anybody on here says sure it's all just testosterone posturing, they're probably dogs in real life and the only girlfriend they've ever had is "pam and her 4 sisters". The joys of this is that they can create a false persona thats tall, dark and handsom and whos to say otherwise cause it's totally anonomous. you can bet your arse that most of them are flicking between here and playboy.com. Sure they prove how sad they are by the fact that they post that s*it on threads and then only reply to the replies they get for their original post, it's sad really that the only form of self worth that they have is based on "how many replies can I get for saying this and being controversial" :rolleyes: they're f*cking kids no matter what age they are they're still 15 year old prepubesants. Do what you feel is right don't mind anybody on here and fair play to you for holding out cause I can imagine the peer pressure is horrible. Wait until you feel right.

Jumpy

Icequeen wrote:

There's a certain group of guys on here the post s*it like that on every thread started by a girl, I'm only new here myself and I can even name them. What they say is irrelevant, they're just trying to act like they have big willies but for the most part they're probably hung like a thumbtack. Honey do it when you're ready, f*ck what anybody on here says sure it's all just testosterone posturing, they're probably dogs in real life and the only girlfriend they've ever had is "pam and her 4 sisters". The joys of this is that they can create a false persona thats tall, dark and handsom and whos to say otherwise cause it's totally anonomous. you can bet your arse that most of them are flicking between here and playboy.com. Sure they prove how sad they are by the fact that they post that s*it on threads and then only reply to the replies they get for their original post, it's sad really that the only form of self worth that they have is based on "how many replies can I get for saying this and being controversial" :rolleyes: they're f*cking kids no matter what age they are they're still 15 year old prepubesants. Do what you feel is right don't mind anybody on here and fair play to you for holding out cause I can imagine the peer pressure is horrible. Wait until you feel right.

You felt the need to post this why?

Icequeen

Jumpy wrote:

You felt the need to post this why?

Cause it's on topic, she asked why there is so much pressure on here to have sex so I told her, what's your point?

Nevyn

Jumpy if you have an issue with a post use the button as commenting on them in thread id posting off topic and will get you banned.


Icequeen

I have already told you to read the charter for this forum and sections of that post are off topicto this thread. You have already been told to take and issues you have with the forum up in feedback and to use the report post function. You post was also insulting to many male posters here and we do not put up with such abusing people based on thier gender. This is your final warning.

Did you report any of the posts you are complaining about cos I am looking at the reports and I don't see any generated by you.

Boards.ie as a site has over 70,000 account all of which can post in this forum
you are seeing male clique where there are none.
if you wish to dicuss this futher start a thread in feedback or pm me.

Icequeen

iwaswondering2 wrote:

From reading that thread as well I was thinking the exact same thing. However I am of the school of thought that it is better to wait until I am really comfortable with someone before I have sex with them. I have never had a one night stand - not because I belive that there is anything wrong with that - it's just not for me. Asking a guy to wait so far has never been a problem (usually around 2 months) and I am in the 27-30 bracket -- the age that some guys mentioned should be liberated enough to go home with someone on the first night or within 3-4 dates!

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In fact the argument that some people gave was that girls should be more liberated and that if you waited that meant that you were either back in the 1970's or had some catholic guilt complex around sex. Well I have neither and in fact I belive I am more liberated in that I am quite comfortable asking a guy to wait until I am ready. Don't worry OP- I had the initial thought when I read that Thread but then thought - that isn't actually how it is as many guys are fine about waiting.

Totally agree, OP it's just immature kids on here that are looking for a quick laugh, you have to remember most of the posters on here are in the 15 to 18 year old bracket and just say things because they think it's "cool" and are looking for acceptance from their peers. This is a vertual community and, although most people will never meet, within it the rules of the schoolyard will still apply for guys and boys being assholes will never change, it's a testosterone thing best thing to do is next time you see a post like the ones you are talking about just visualize a 15 year old, spotty nerd sitting at his PC peeing himself laughing cause he thinks he just made a witty remark and now will spend the next hour refreshing the page constantly waiting for some other 15 year old to quote him and say "lol"

Kids huh :rolleyes:

Thaedydal wrote:

Jumpy if you have an issue with a post use the button as commenting on them in thread id posting off topic and will get you banned.


Icequeen

I have already told you to read the charter for this forum and sections of that post are off topicto this thread. You have already been told to take and issues you have with the forum up in feedback and to use the report post function. You post was also insulting to many male posters here and we do not put up with such abusing people based on thier gender. This is your final warning.

Did you report any of the posts you are complaining about cos I am looking at the reports and I don't see any generated by you.

Boards.ie as a site has over 70,000 account all of which can post in this forum
you are seeing male clique where there are none.
if you wish to dicuss this futher start a thread in feedback or pm me.

Actually yeah, I sent a post last night to the issues link and it was ignored

Crucifix

Icequeen wrote:

Totally agree, OP it's just immature kids on here that are looking for a quick laugh, you have to remember most of the posters on here are in the 15 to 18 year old bracket and just say things because they think it's "cool" and are looking for acceptance from their peers.

18-22, thank you very much!
Anyway, I echo everybody elses stance, there's nothing wrong with waiting for the right reasons.

Marksie

You are going to get all different opinions from both genders posting. As an example of game playing you could take this from the coffee thread:

coolsmileygirl wrote:

you have to learn to dangle the bait just enough to wet their appetite for a second date
if you do it right in the teasing way they won't be totally shocked

It all depends on the outlook of posters of both genders. I hestitate to say also the maturity and experience, but well, that may play a part.

you also have to consider that there have been threads on what would happen if you did sleep with someone on the first date, in terms of the morning after. For most it would not be a big deal, but for some it would display a hypocritical attitude (i.e they would sleep with them then look down on them).
Its not off topic as it is a consideration that is brought forward which influences decisions.

You will find people here who have waited until the relationship starts before having sex and others who had sex on the first night and are now in relationships with the same partner.

Still if you dont concentrate on just one type of post and look overall and you will see this wide range of opinions

Nevyn

Icequeen banned for one week for not following mod directions and persisting in posting off topic.

The demographic of posters this forum is off topic any futher referneces to it will
resulst in the futher revoking of posting privileges.

Jack Bauer999

Icequeen wrote:

Totally agree, OP it's just immature kids on here that are looking for a quick laugh, you have to remember most of the posters on here are in the 15 to 18 year old bracket and just say things because they think it's "cool" and are looking for acceptance from their peers. This is a vertual community and, although most people will never meet, within it the rules of the schoolyard will still apply for guys and boys being assholes will never change, it's a testosterone thing best thing to do is next time you see a post like the ones you are talking about just visualize a 15 year old, spotty nerd sitting at his PC peeing himself laughing cause he thinks he just made a witty remark and now will spend the next hour refreshing the page constantly waiting for some other 15 year old to quote him and say "lol"

Kids huh :rolleyes:



op i waited 6 months before having the 'first coffee' with my first girlfriend
years ago so not all guys are the same, just depends on the person.

icequeen sounds like you were bullied or made fun of by the kids at school
or somethng and just looking for attention.

pigeonbutler

OP, if a girl says to me in early days that she wants to wait then that's perfect, I know where I stand. I think the problem for everyone is when someone is blowing hot and cold.

The Corinthian

It is very difficult to realistically gauge how long a man will wait from a thread here, largely because the man’s (and woman’s) age is a factor. Teenagers will generally consider it normal to wait months or years, under twenty-fives will easily wait months, but as you get older the expected wait does get shorter and shorter. Waiting six months for a 20-year old is not that unusual, but waiting six months for a 35-year old is.

Of course you don’t have to give into peer pressure and ‘give it up’ on a first, second or third date. That’s your choice. However if it is more normal for a man to get it within the first, second or third date, then the law of supply and demand kicks in and you will have priced yourself out of the market. That doesn’t mean you’ll end up alone, only that there are fewer men who will wait longer – typically those that have less choice in women to begin with.

I’m sorry if this depresses some people, but that’s life.

_Kaiser_

Part of it as well I think is that as you get older the theory is you've had several relationships at that stage, the result being that you're more comfortable with yourself, your sexuality, and have left the "games" and such that you engaged in in your early 20's behind.

Thus bringing sex into a relationship with someone you like isn't that big a deal as you have the emotional maturity to understand that there's nothing WRONG with enjoying it with someone you like (but don't necessariy think of as a long-term partner yet).

It doesn't make you cheap, or cheapen the "relationship". It just says that you're comfortable enough in your own skin and with him/her to be able to introduce sex without the hangups. Nor does it automatically mean that he/she will never contact you again. Whilst this may happen of course, the theory would be that they/you are both mature enough to handle this step.

Every situation/person is different and what may feel right with one (potential) partner may take longer with another. That doesn't mean that it's wrong, merely that you should proceed at a pace you're both happy and comfortable with - the key really is communication at the end of the day.

Hmm.. not exactly the clearest post I've ever written, but hopefully you get my drift.

Tak3n

It depends on the girl for me.. if shes hot and slightly unique i dont mind waiting.

lol.. what am i saying.. sex after the first few weeks or i would be gone, regardless of the girl.

LegacyUser

Tak3n wrote:

It depends on the girl for me.. if shes hot and slightly unique i dont mind waiting.

lol.. what am i saying.. sex after the first few weeks or i would be gone, regardless of the girl.

So if she's not "hot and slightly unique" when would you expect it? The first night?
This is exactly the kind of attitude I'm talking about...

I know not all men are the same but there seem to be a sizable number who feel this way. However its good to get different opinions

CathyMoran

I agree with the Corinthian and Kaiser2000 on this. I made the guy wait but then again I was only not in a relationship in my 20's.

honru

Perhaps we could look at the situation in a different paradigm. Why would you have trust issues? You even said it yourself, a past experience affects your relationships. Maybe this stuck energy is something you need to overcome?

DublinWriter

Wondering wrote:

Does this mean I'm doomed to be single forever?...
In my own case, there was a pretty unpleasant experience in my past which still affects my relationships to a degree. As a result of this I find it hard to trust and to get intimate with men. I get there in the end but it just takes time.

To be honest OP, I think you've answered your own question in a roundabout way.

If a guy can't be bothered to hang around after date #4 without sex, then I really think that he wouldn't be much of a loss to you in the long run.

Consider your trait as being a subconscious quality filter, rather than a problem!

But seriously, if you do have issues nagging at you from your past, it would be best to go see a properly qualified counsellor.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I'd probably feel somewhat insecure about how interested a girlfriend was if we weren't having sex after a few weeks. Think a lot of other men would too. I think I'd feel better if it was for religious reasons over "feeling ready"

By not having sex the girl is in a sense suggesting she doesn't trust you & thinks you'll "run off as soon as you've nailed her" If I liked someone enough to go out with them I'd be pretty offended by this.

Out of my female friends I've known well enough to know their sexual habits, none of them have "waited", & most of them are in long term monogamous relationships too/

Caliden

Sex is the next stage in a relationship. There's more emotion involved and alot more can be expressed than just kissing and cuddling. It's a way of expressing interest, if it doesn't happen you can start questioning yourself. What are you doing wrong, do they really like you, where is this relationship going.

Both parties involved like to think the other has been pleased and so it's a mutual pleasure both physically and mentally. It's also a good way of knowing if you can see yourself with the other person in a month, 6 months or more.

There's nothing wrong with waiting just as long as the other person knows you care about them and want to gain their trust first.

peveril13

Im 30m, and thou I have been very slow in the past to have sex, was 21 first time up, with a woman it just doesnt seem to be AS big a deal now. maybe its a bit strange but I was the one dumped a few times for not putting out.
I believe that most ppl will wait for anything that they think is worth waiting for. I would be perfectly happy to wait for any woman, given that there were no games in the mean time. I dont get involved in all that I called last time, or how long should I wait before a text bs. that kinda rubbish is what makes ppl leave I feel. nothing worse than feeling like a performing monkey all the time.
of course sex is also a lot better when u know some1 and its about pleasing the other instead of pleasing urself alone.

Kell

Wondering wrote:

In my own case, there was a pretty unpleasant experience in my past which still affects my relationships to a degree. As a result of this I find it hard to trust and to get intimate with men.

So who exactly does the problem lie with? The person who wants all from the off or the person who, through their own admission, isnt that comfy straight away?

It is never a question of how long a gender or age group will wait, its entirely based on the individual. If you feel pressured by a person you meet, then that person isnt right for you. The person that thinks you are too much hard work is right to have their opinion, by their standards, but it doesnt mean its valid for the rest of us. By the same token you could be here saying "I have been dating this guy for three dates and he hasnt tried anything on. Does he find me attractive?"

Horses for courses. Be governed by your gut and nought else.

BTW- if there is something from your past that you know causes a dent in how you behave now, do you not think it is wise to go do something about it?

K-

Fabio

I personally think there should be no real rush and a relationship of tust has to be built between both parties before sex happens.

If one party does not allow that then they are not the correct people to be with.

The Corinthian

Kell wrote:

It is never a question of how long a gender or age group will wait, its entirely based on the individual.

Yes, we're all individuals.

Zulu

I'd agree with TC here. Personally, I'd tend not to wait too long. I'd be of the opinion that perhaps she's not the most comfortable with sex and/or retains older fashioned values regardsing a sexual relationship. Personally in my past I've gone out with girls who weren't comfortable/confident in a sexual relationship and found that it's not something I'd look for in a partner.
I know I'm making an assumption that could prove incorrect, but thats what we all do at the start of a relationship.

That being said, I've waited a long time (couple of months) for a person because she explained her situation (which I had no problem with) and, well, the tensions were well releaved in other manners.

angeldelight

I really don't think you can generalise... My bf and I didn't have sex for over 4 months after we started going out, and he wasn't pressuring me at all. The most he was doing was asking was I ready which is fair enough! We did do other stuff in between, which again was at my pace and when I felt comfortable doing it. In our case though we were already totally crazy about each other and had discussed marriage and kids... so he knew there was a future in the relationship, I just wanted to take my time

hottstuff

IMO if it was meant to be , it will happen without having to ask or mention it.
If it doesnt happen , the individual is not ready/comfortable or your not pushing the right buttons for the situation to arise.

The only time asking for sex is appropriate , is when your married.:D

Zulu

humm good luck with that attitude. One to many mills & boon novels me thinks. :rolleyes:


...unless your psychic. Are you psychic?

Nevyn

Honestly it depends on the person or thier out look and the levels of attraction.
Sex does not equal intimacy or comitment for some and they would prefer to find out if they are complaitlbe before getting emotionally invovled.

hottstuff

Zulu wrote:

humm good luck with that attitude. One to many mills & boon novels me thinks. :rolleyes:


...unless your psychic. Are you psychic?

Eh good luck with what ?
Trawling through posts hoping for sex?

Like you need to be psychic to know if a woman finds you attractive.

How many situations have you had to ask for it , with new partner.? and im not talking about 1 night stands

Zulu

hottstuff wrote:

Trawling through posts hoping for sex?

Is that supposed to be an insult? :rolleyes: ...or are you suggesting that you trawl through posts looking for sex?

The point I'm making (seeing as you clearly missed it) is that: if you happened to find yourself dating one of the ladies here who prefer to keep their man waiting, and you stuck with your "IMO if it was meant to be, it will happen without having to ask or mention it" attitude you might get the impression that you were "not pushing the right buttons for the situation to arise". Or that she wasn't that interested.

So again I'll wish you good luck with the whole "not discussing" issues with your partners - clearly it's a tried and trusted method of maintaining a successful relationship particularly when it comes to sex.

dan_y

Wondering wrote:

I've just been reading the "First date coffee" thread and there seems to be a lot of men saying they expect sex after the first few dates - 3 or 4 I imagine, and if its not happening by then they're off. Some also seem to think that if the girl refuses she's just playing games and letting herself be swayed by 'the rules' rather than her own instinct. I'm just wondering why men feel this way?

Now I'm not talking about waiting for marriage or anything like that, but surely many girls find its important to trust a man before sleeping with him? I know its important to me. And I like to take the time to get to know, and feel totally comfortable with the guy, and I know that will take me more than a few dates. Does this mean I'm doomed to be single forever?

In my own case, there was a pretty unpleasant experience in my past which still affects my relationships to a degree. As a result of this I find it hard to trust and to get intimate with men. I get there in the end but it just takes time. This is why its so disheartening to read comments from men saying they pretty much expect the goods within the first few dates or they're not hanging around. And its not something I feel comfortable taking about with someone I've only met maybe three times, and even if I was honest chances are they'd run a mile anyway incase I'm too much hard work.

What is the rush these days?

cause that's what we're here for. to make more of ourselves. life became vaguely complicated somewhere around the time people started wearing clothes, but it's insane at present. sex is a basic instinct, one of the ones we repress as much as possible. that's just a bad idea. there's so much pressure to have sex because sex is one of the few things creatures with seed to spread intrinsically feel like doing. maybe it's different for women, it'd have to be I suppose. but it's a primal urge and all the psychology and sophistication in the world can't suppress that.

I guess men have been under control up until the last few generations. we're into that part of this era of civilisation when instant gratification is becoming a reality in nearly ever facet of our lives. (except buying a house). sex is something that can't be manufactured. but that doesn't mean it's not as in demand as it always has and always will be.

and to the person who started this thread - if you don't want to **** him and he won't wait, tough. natural selection

Wibbs

dan_y wrote:

cause that's what we're here for. to make more of ourselves. life became vaguely complicated somewhere around the time people started wearing clothes, but it's insane at present. sex is a basic instinct, one of the ones we repress as much as possible. that's just a bad idea. there's so much pressure to have sex because sex is one of the few things creatures with seed to spread intrinsically feel like doing. maybe it's different for women, it'd have to be I suppose. but it's a primal urge and all the psychology and sophistication in the world can't suppress that.

That's probably the simplest description of sexual mate selection and reproductive strategies in the human I've seen in a while. Why do you think it's different for women? Why do you think that gender difference is pretty much consistent across human culture. While sex is a "basic instinct", the availability of same is and has always been governed by cultural mores, based for the most part in simple evolutionary biology. While things like reliable female contraception have skewed that biology, that 100,000 year old brain you got there, still finds issues.

Read up on it. Fascinating subject.

To the OP, as others have said if you're not comfortable, don't do it. Why would you if you're not going to enjoy it because of that lack of comfort. It's your body and it's your right to wait, just as it's another woman's right not to.

hottstuff

Zulu wrote:

Is that supposed to be an insult? :rolleyes: ...or are you suggesting that you trawl through posts looking for sex?

The point I'm making (seeing as you clearly missed it) is that: if you happened to find yourself dating one of the ladies here who prefer to keep their man waiting, and you stuck with your "IMO if it was meant to be, it will happen without having to ask or mention it" attitude you might get the impression that you were "not pushing the right buttons for the situation to arise". Or that she wasn't that interested.

So again I'll wish you good luck with the whole "not discussing" issues with your partners - clearly it's a tried and trusted method of maintaining a successful relationship particularly when it comes to sex.

You are insinuating that im posting what i am on the premise of meeting someone for sex/relationship.
I dont browse the forums looking for a date.I have a partner , and wont be looking for another ever!!!!!
But i suppose thats "mills & Boon" to you aswell.:rolleyes:
I think you should save your luck for yourself.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

dan_y

Wibbs wrote:

That's probably the simplest description of sexual mate selection and reproductive strategies in the human I've seen in a while. Why do you think it's different for women? Why do you think that gender difference is pretty much consistent across human culture. While sex is a "basic instinct", the availability of same is and has always been governed by cultural mores, based for the most part in simple evolutionary biology. While things like reliable female contraception have skewed that biology, that 100,000 year old brain you got there, still finds issues.

Read up on it. Fascinating subject.

To the OP, as others have said if you're not comfortable, don't do it. Why would you if you're not going to enjoy it because of that lack of comfort. It's your body and it's your right to wait, just as it's another woman's right not to.

I'm plenty read on evolutionary biology and inherited sexual predisposition. I just disagree. culture has forced baser instincts like sexual aggression down through the systematic implementation of distinct cultural mores - and yes the introduction of reliable contraception has undermined the genetic impetus to procreate. I just don't hold to the belief that Any creature can deny it's nature. save from the natural margin for error - genetic abnormality and mutation - our dna exists and evolves to ensure that it will continue to exist and evolve indefinately.

you're right, this is all the most basic explanation of human sexual behaviour there is, because I refuse to allow something as fundamental as sex to be complicated by psychology.

sorry, that was probably off topic. what I was trying to say to the person who asked originally is that sex isn't about trust and connection for everybody. it's practically a physical responsibility. in terms of sex, love is fiction. but that doesn't mean he don't like you.

DublinWriter

dan_y wrote:

sorry, that was probably off topic. what I was trying to say to the person who asked originally is that sex isn't about trust and connection for everybody. it's practically a physical responsibility. in terms of sex, love is fiction. but that doesn't mean he don't like you.

Good post dan_y, although it did made my brain hurt and does raise wider questions about our collective sociological environment changing faster than our individualistic anthropological ability to evolve.

Maybe what OP is going through is typically symptomatic of that inherent conflict? I'm sure her experience is not unique.

axer

Answer one: As long as a piece of string.

Answer two: That is a subjective question. My current girlfriend (of 2.5 years) and I didn't have sex until 3/4 months after we started going out. If a girl wanted sex after the first few dates it would kinda turn me off her.

The Corinthian

axer wrote:

My current girlfriend (of 2.5 years) and I didn't have sex until 3/4 months after we started going out. If a girl wanted sex after the first few dates it would kinda turn me off her.

What age are you?

Seriously, I do think that age is a major factor in this question and that it would be pointless for an 18-year old to be advising a 30-year old how long they should wait, for example (not suggesting you're 18).

Zulu

The Corinthian wrote:

it would be pointless for an 18-year old to be advising a 30-year old how long they should wait

I agree whole heartedly