Exs Friend...off limits??

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

Just a quick question, mainly to all the guys out there...

My bf of 5 years broke up with me at Christmas time and last week I slept with a mutual friend of ours. He's more my friend than my ex's but my ex always had a suspicion that he fancied me and it always bothered him. Anyway, when my ex found out (I'm not sure who told him) he rang me going crazy!! I told him it was just a once off and it didn't mean anything, plus he dumped me but he says he can't ever even be friends with me now because it's the ultimate betrayal. Is he being unreasonable or did I do a really bad thing? He's been with at least 4 different girls since we split but he claims that's different cause I don't know them. It still hurts me though!!

Just looking for some opinions please, thanks guys...

seamus

He broke up with you. He doesn't get to call the shots. Tell him to piss off and mind his own business.

Most men can assume that most of their girlfriend's male friends fancy them/would sleep with them given half a chance. By the same token, you accept that if/when the relationship fails, there's a good chance she'll end up rebounding with one of them.

This guy is trying to have his cake and eat it. He wants to go off shagging other people, but doesn't want you to have the same right. He doesn't sound very much like anyone you'd want to remain friends with anyway. I say Typedef his brother.

melekalikimaka

imo thats wrong what you did, i would be seriously pissed, and that person you slept with would no longer be a friend

Kell

Howbadisthis? wrote:

He's been with at least 4 different girls since we split but he claims that's different cause I don't know them. It still hurts me though!!

Um, how the hell did he find out?

Honestly, five weeks and sleeping with a mate of his? Its his mates problem not yours. The only person he has an excuse to have an issue with is his mate. The two of you are no longer an item and he is completely wrong in expecting some sort of loyalty to his feelings from you.

Fúck him. He sounds like he doesnt know what he wants and needs to grow the fúck up.

Better now?

K-

neacy69

How would you feel if he slept with one of your mates?

Kell

seamus wrote:

I say Typedef his brother.

God damn- why didnt I include this in my response. Hmmn. Must ad it to my sig.

K-

cance

he dumped you, tell him to mind his own business, he has no say in your life anymore.

if anything the mutual friend should be hearing the blame.

stovelid

Its one of those things that are not entirely logical. If one of my mates slept with an serious ex of mine, no matter if I ended it or not, I'd be really p*ssed off at both of them.

If it was a big simmering love thing that turned a long term relationship, that would mitigate it a bit but if it was a casual, sex thing, it would bug me even more.

Even as I type this, I realize it's actually a bit immature and petty but it's one of those things (esp for guys) that you just can't explain. Not saying his actions are right, or even acceptable, just that a lot of guys do think in that way.

melekalikimaka

stovelid wrote:

it's actually a bit immature and petty but it's one of those things (esp for guys) that you just can't explain.

agreed, its not from lack of letting go or anything, its just disgusting, the only word i can come close to describing it, never in a million years would i do it, tho i live in the city, i'm sure country folk in their small rural villages can't be as picky

Piste

Who knew the friend first? Was it a friend you had that then got to know your boyfriend through you going out with him? In that case it's a bit better than shagging his best mate who you knew through him.

Though I spelt with an ex's friend once before so I can't really cast judgement

melekalikimaka

Piste wrote:

Though I spelt with an ex's friend once before so I can't really cast judgement

what ya spell? you disgust me

axer

Howbadisthis? wrote:

the ultimate betrayal.

Ha! Thats the funniest thing I have ever read. ultimate betrayal? how can you betray him when he broke up with you. Tell him to fùck off and stop talking shíte. You don't have to explain anything to him. If he has a problem then its with the guy you slept with and not you. He lost all rights to give out once he broke up with you.

melekalikimaka

axer wrote:

He lost all rights to give out once he broke up with you.

humm maybe thats the case for short term relationships, but not when its long term,what if they are all friends from before and are trying to remain friends after due to intersecting social circles, that behavior is completely nasty and imo paints her in a less than pretty picture to others in the group, tho this is just me, king of double standards and know to cheat his fair bit so its merely an opinion, but i believe it solidly

Floppybits

melekalikimaka wrote:

imo thats wrong what you did, i would be seriously pissed, and that person you slept with would no longer be a friend

Are you for real? They broke up at christmas, getting on for 5 months, and he did the breaking up. So why is it wrong what she did? She is single, she can do what she wants. I bet her ex doesnt care about who he sleeps with.

The problem here is her ex. This is typical of many blokes, who break up with a girl and then when they find out she is with someone else they think they have a devine right to ring the girl and ask them what they think they are doing. If I was you I would tell your ex to shove it where the sun dont shine. Tell him he broke up with you and you are free to do what you want and that he will just have to deal with it.

My own personal opinion is that if some breaks up with someone else then those people can see who they want, when they want even if it is a friend. Simple as that. They only thing I wouldnt accept is if it was done while the people are in another relationship.

The Friends rule is a load of ****

Icequeen

I agree, it's absolutely none of his business, tell him to p*ss-off and mind his own business that you'll shag who you want. He doesn't own you and if he has issues cause you slept with someone then tough titty for him he should have thought of that before he broke up with you. does he expect you to join a convent or something? :rolleyes:

Floppybits

Icequeen wrote:

I agree, it's absolutely none of his business, tell him to p*ss-off and mind his own business that you'll shag who you want. He doesn't own you and if he has issues cause you slept with someone then tough titty for him he should have thought of that before he broke up with you. does he expect you to join a convent or something? :rolleyes:

Well said Ice Queen. Men and their stupid pride.

muppetkiller

Agree with Axer here ..he's a complete muppet for what he said and how he reacted..Tell him to get over himself ...he dumped you and your moving on ..

Zulu

Did you split up on good terms?
It's not about who split with who, it's not about "owning" someone; it's about consideration. If you wanted to stay friends with him, you should have considered his feelings. Clearly he'd be upset with both of you. How would you feel if he slept with your friend?

If you split on bad terms or couldn't care less about him, it doesn’t mater, but if you really did want to attempt to maintain a friendship, you made a serious boo boo.

I might add (to the usual "he doesn't own you/you're single/tell him to **** off) adult relationships tend to be a little more complicated and there are no straight answers. Consideration is key. Your actions reflect the person you are.

melekalikimaka

Zulu wrote:

Your actions reflect the person you are.

yup

Zulu

Muppetkiller! I'm surprised at you.

Kell

melekalikimaka wrote:

tho this is just me, king of double standards and know to cheat his fair bit so its merely an opinion, but i believe it solidly

And how old are you?

The only reason a mate of mine doesnt know about an "encounter" with his ex, is because HE isnt grown up to accept that it happened and is none of his business. AND we all share the same social circles.

Its not the people who engage with eachother that are to be pointed at here. Its the muppet that has an issue with it.

K-

Floppybits

Zulu wrote:

Did you split up on good terms?
It's not about who split with who, it's not about "owning" someone; it's about consideration. If you wanted to stay friends with him, you should have considered his feelings. Clearly he'd be upset with both of you. How would you feel if he slept with your friend?

If you split on bad terms or couldn't care less about him, it doesn’t mater, but if you really did want to attempt to maintain a friendship, you made a serious boo boo.

I might add (to the usual "he doesn't own you/you're single/tell him to **** off) adult relationships tend to be a little more complicated and there are no straight answers. Consideration is key. Your actions reflect the person you are.

He broke up with her, what do you expect her to do, become a nun. Why should she care about his feelings, why should he be bothered by who she is with, he did the breaking up not here.

neacy69

wrong post

Crea

The OP is no longer with the boyfriend so therefore no longer has any loyalty to him. Neither does she have to excuse or explain any of her actions.
The friend rule is that you don't go out with your friends ex's (which is boll*x) so it doesn't apply to the OP.
So the ex doesn't want to stay friends, no loss, in most cases this doesn't work out anyway.

_blank_

Sounds to me like still you fancy your ex OP, perhaps want to get back with him?

Why else do you care wtf he thinks about who you are sleeping with?

Jumpy

Ex's friends are untouchable. No matter who did the dumping.
The level of friendship with the ex is a sliding scale that determines how unacceptable it is.
Close/Best friend - Prepare for a ****storm.
This will become apparent as you get older and friends become closer.
There are plenty of people out there if you want a shag. Keep your pants on when it comes to people in a mutual circle of friends.

Floppybits

Jumpy wrote:

Ex's friends are untouchable. No matter who did the dumping.
The level of friendship with the ex is a sliding scale that determines how unacceptable it is.
Close/Best friend - Prepare for a ****storm.
This will become apparent as you get older and friends become closer.
There are plenty of people out there if you want a shag. Keep your pants on when it comes to people in a mutual circle of friends.

Why are friends ex's off limits? Expalin why?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the reassuring replies...

He broke up with me to get with another girl but they only lasted about two weeks!! I was heart broken and he didn't care. I don't think I owe him anything, expect maybe a reality slap across the face. I don't know who told him and now after reading all the replies here, I don't even care. As a few of you have said, he deserves no loyalty from me.
Thanks everyone

melekalikimaka

Kell wrote:

And how old are you?

The only reason a mate of mine doesnt know about an "encounter" with his ex, is because HE isnt grown up to accept that it happened and is none of his business. AND we all share the same social circles.

Its not the people who engage with eachother that are to be pointed at here. Its the muppet that has an issue with it.

K-

i'm 22, fair enough, i accept your views, some people don't care, but i don't know one of my friends that wouldn't be in someway hurt by the act of having sex with a girl he went out with, no matter how you break up with someone, you shared a meaningful relationship with them, and a friend jumping in on that is all most like his pissing over that moment for his own selfish needs, i can't understand how people do i, i've seen it happen and some are ok with it, their own business, i'm merely stating my opinion. each to their own, just glad we ain't friends

Zulu

Floppybits wrote:

He broke up with her, what do you expect her to do, become a nun.

Not being smart - but can I ask how old you are?
No I don't expect her to become a nun. She may go and sleep with whoever she wants. I might add that she may sleep with whoever she wants regardless of whether or not she is going out with someone. She's an adult. She's in control of her own life.
Are you suggesting that it's not ok for her to sleep with whom ever she wants when she's going out with someone?

Floppybits wrote:

Why should she care about his feelings

No reason at all - except if she wishes to remain friends with him.

Floppybits wrote:

why should he be bothered by who she is with

I have no idea. I don't know the man, but apparently it did bother him. Quite a bit from the sounds of things.

Floppybits wrote:

he did the breaking up not here.

That sounds a little immature. It doesn’t matter who called an end to the relationship... ...unless this is a revenge thing? In fact I'd suggest that it could be worse. If she didn't end it, she probably still had feeling for him, and if she did, why would she want to risk hurting him? (if she truly cared for him?)

Mighty_Mouse

Mark this thread and just reference it to all those :
"Can I be friends with Ex" threads.

Zulu

Floppybits wrote:

Why are friends ex's off limits?

It's not about right or wrong, it's about respecting others feelings.

Floppybits wrote:

Expalin why?

Because people get jellous; people get hurt; people get upset. Look as you grow older, you'll find that creating a scene by upsetting someone tends to run a night for everybody, so why bother. Be above it. ...or not, but you'll loose friend quickly.

Jumpy

Floppybits wrote:

Why are friends ex's off limits? Expalin why?

Its a difficult one to explain. Lets just say that its emotionally easier to handle the idea of a stranger than someone you know.
There are many reasons behind this, some as petty as the possible thought of "was he better than me?" and the fact that you might have to see this person again. It also presents a real target rather than a faceless stranger.
The "friends rule" while having an immature name, exists for a reason. A more extreme example is "Bro's before Ho's".
Nothing will cause more tension among friends.

Kell

melekalikimaka wrote:

you shared a meaningful relationship with them, and a friend jumping in on that is all most like his pissing over that moment for his own selfish needs

Um what you dont seem to get is that their relationship is in the PAST, not the present. Hell, I have had mates try and shág my GF's WHILE I was dating them, and been cool about it.

The bloke the OP slept with was not píssing all over some mills n boon romance novel to unload his custard canon selfish needs. If the OP and her partner had indeed shared this wonderful time together, then the OP's ex should be thinking "I loved the girl and I want the best for her. If she decided the best for her is fúcking a mate of mine, then so be it. I can live with the pain if needs be".

THATS what GOOD mates do. THATS what people with RESPECT for eachother do. The difference between really, really good mates and normal ones, is the REALLY good ones accept you no matter what even if they disagree with you.

If it was ANYTHING else, would you condone the OP's ex ringing her up giving her shít? I think not. So why should it apply to her fúcking his mate, who she stated was more her mate anyway.

Sometimes you gotta let people be and realise that its not personal. Maybe when the OP's ex and you grow up, ye'll figure this out

K-

Floppybits

Zulu, why does my age matter? Does my age have a bearing on things. I am stating my opinion and my opinion is that the an exboyfriend/girlfriend has no right to call up their ex and have a go at them for sleeping with someone else, regardless if that person is a friend, a known person or a complete stranger. The only time that would be relevant is if it was a family member.

As for the friends thing well thats down to the maturity of the two people and not down to who the sleep with.

If the exboyfriend is bothered he should just deal with it, not ring his ex girlfriend who he broke up with and have a go.

Floppybits

Kell wrote:

Um what you dont seem to get is that their relationship is in the PAST, not the present. Hell, I have had mates try and shág my GF's WHILE I was dating them, and been cool about it.

The bloke the OP slept with was not píssing all over some mills n boon romance novel to unload his custard canon selfish needs. If the OP and her partner had indeed shared this wonderful time together, then the OP's ex should be thinking "I loved the girl and I want the best for her. If she decided the best for her is fúcking a mate of mine, then so be it. I can live with the pain if needs be".

THATS what GOOD mates do. THATS what people with RESPECT for eachother do. The difference between really, really good mates and normal ones, is the REALLY good ones accept you no matter what even if they disagree with you.

If it was ANYTHING else, would you condone the OP's ex ringing her up giving her shít? I think not. So why should it apply to her fúcking his mate, who she stated was more her mate anyway.

Sometimes you gotta let people be and realise that its not personal. Maybe when the OP's ex and you grow up, ye'll figure this out

K-

Well said Kell, Couldnt agree more.:D

Jack Bauer999

Floppybits wrote:

Zulu, why does my age matter? Does my age have a bearing on things. I am stating my opinion and my opinion is that the an exboyfriend/girlfriend has no right to call up their ex and have a go at them for sleeping with someone else, regardless if that person is a friend, a known person or a complete stranger. The only time that would be relevant is if it was a family member.

As for the friends thing well thats down to the maturity of the two people and not down to who the sleep with.

If the exboyfriend is bothered he should just deal with it, not ring his ex girlfriend who he broke up with and have a go.

i disagree,
i know i would be pretty pissed off also if of all the people
in the world to have random sex with they picked on of my friends regardless
of who broke up with who and im pretty hard to piss off! :0

so floppy bits are you honestly telling us if you found out your ex/divorced husband was shaggin one of your friends, you would not give it a second tought,

Jumpy

Floppybits wrote:

Zulu, why does my age matter? Does my age have a bearing on things. I am stating my opinion and my opinion is that the an exboyfriend/girlfriend has no right to call up their ex and have a go at them for sleeping with someone else, regardless if that person is a friend, a known person or a complete stranger. The only time that would be relevant is if it was a family member.

As for the friends thing well thats down to the maturity of the two people and not down to who the sleep with.

If the exboyfriend is bothered he should just deal with it, not ring his ex girlfriend who he broke up with and have a go.

Yes your age has a bearing on things. You will understand when you are older.

Kell. Respect works both ways. Its not just you respecting them, they also have to respect you.

LegacyUser

'"I have had mates try and shág my GF's WHILE I was dating them, and been cool about it."


I think you need to find some new mates!'

Icequeen

This is mostly all just male posturing, It is totally none of the ex's business and it's nothing to do with feelings that he's pissed of, he's pissed off for the simple reason that hearing that she was with a mutual friend just knocked his ego. Testerone fueled ego trips at their finest :rolleyes:

Zulu

Floppybits wrote:

Zulu, why does my age matter? Does my age have a bearing on things.

I feel it does. It gives me a clear indication of who I'm talking to. A twelve year old will have a different understand of relationships that a 32 year old.

I am stating my opinion and my opinion is that the an exboyfriend/girlfriend has no right to call up their ex and have a go at them for sleeping with someone else, regardless if that person is a friend, a known person or a complete stranger.

I couldn't agree more, and you are entitled to your opinion. ....but that's not what I was talking about. He was wrong to ring her. I'm mearly discussing the "did I do a really bad thing?" aspect.

The only time that would be relevant is if it was a family member.

Why? Why is a family member any different than a friend? ...I mean, they have broken up right?

As for the friends thing well thats down to the maturity of the two people and not down to who the sleep with.

Well, if you wish to remain friends with a person you need to respect them and their feelings, if you feel they are immature, you'll need to make allowances for that.

If the exboyfriend is bothered he should just deal with it, not ring his ex girlfriend who he broke up with and have a go.

Thats a fact. He should just cut them both from his life. He dosen't need the hassle.

Zulu

Icequeen wrote:

Testerone fueled ego trips at their finest :rolleyes:

You are probably right, but if you respect someone enough that you want to be their friend, then you need to respect their frailties. Male ego it maybe, but if you want male friends you need to respect that. Just as any male friend of yours should respect your estrogen fueled emotional outbursts, and tear filled drunken episodes.

Floppybits

Zulu wrote:

I feel it does. It gives me a clear indication of who I'm talking to. A twelve year old will have a different understand of relationships that a 32 year old.
I couldn't agree more, and you are entitled to your opinion. ....but that's not what I was talking about. He was wrong to ring her. I'm mearly discussing the "did I do a really bad thing?" aspect.
Why? Why is a family member any different than a friend? ...I mean, they have broken up right?

Well, if you wish to remain friends with a person you need to respect them and their feelings, if you feel they are immature, you'll need to make allowances for that.

Thats a fact. He should just cut them both from his life. He dosen't need the hassle.

Im 33.

Floppybits

Jumpy wrote:

Its a difficult one to explain. Lets just say that its emotionally easier to handle the idea of a stranger than someone you know.
There are many reasons behind this, some as petty as the possible thought of "was he better than me?" and the fact that you might have to see this person again. It also presents a real target rather than a faceless stranger.
The "friends rule" while having an immature name, exists for a reason. A more extreme example is "Bro's before Ho's".
Nothing will cause more tension among friends.

So Jumpy, its all about pride and ego and this is the reason why friends are off limits?

Are you telling me that if one of friends ex's was the one for you that you wouldnt do anything about it? You would settle for someone else or second best?

Zulu

Then surly you know that it's not worth the hassle just to get the leg over?

And I have to ask, assuming you just came out of a long term relationship with someone you loved, would you sleep with his friend?

Icequeen

Zulu wrote:

And I have to ask, assuming you just came out of a long term relationship with someone you loved, would you sleep with his friend?

It depends, is he good looking? Does he have a car?

Jumpy

Floppybits wrote:

So Jumpy, its all about pride and ego and this is the reason why friends are off limits?

Are you telling me that if one of friends ex's was the one for you that you wouldnt do anything about it? You would settle for someone else or second best?

When I was younger I wouldnt have cared. I have a lot more understanding of things now though.
Try not to form your own opinion on things in PI though unless it is someone who needs support. With questions such as what the OP posted, try to understand the reaction from the other party involved.

Floppybits

Jack Bauer999 wrote:

i disagree,
i know i would be pretty pissed off also if of all the people
in the world to have random sex with they picked on of my friends regardless
of who broke up with who and im pretty hard to piss off! :0

so floppy bits are you honestly telling us if you found out your ex/divorced husband was shaggin one of your friends, you would not give it a second tought,

Nope I wouldnt be pissed off. I would be a bit hurt seeing the ex with someone else thats not me but Im guessing thats the way a lot of people feel when they see or hear about their ex seeing some else after the relationship end. Is this not a normal reaction? But I wouldn't be going around calling the ex and having a go at them nor would I be telling my friend that they cant go there either.

Floppybits

Zulu wrote:

Then surly you know that it's not worth the hassle just to get the leg over?

And I have to ask, assuming you just came out of a long term relationship with someone you loved, would you sleep with his friend?

Well I have come out of long term relationships and the last thing I want is to get into another right away. But if say I came out of the relationship say at christmas and it was 4-5 months later then the answer is yes I would sleep with a mates ex.

stovelid

seansouth wrote:

Sounds to me like still you fancy your ex OP, perhaps want to get back with him?

Why else do you care wtf he thinks about who you are sleeping with?

aye, my first thought when reading a lot of the "f8ck him, its not his or her business" mails was that a lot of the encounters might occur with an ulterior motive in mind, such as making an ex jealous?

LegacyUser

'Nope, it wasn't done to make him jealous. It was a drunken shag between two friends with no ulterior motive. I'm still a little hurt by the break up but have no desire to see my ex jealous. What would be the point in that? We're no longer together so how he feels doesn't matter to me, what matters to me is him calling me up and telling me how much of a slut I am and how he never wants so much as a text message from me agian! A bit harsh I think but I wanted to get some firther opinions which is why I posted here.
I'm glad I did too cause alot of teh advice has been great.'