Is my girlfriend a bunny boiler?

LegacyUser

Went on a 4-day holiday abroad recently with my gf. We had a lovely time,great without any fights or problems. In the airport on the way home, I was a little tired and wasnt as chatty as usual. We've been going out nearly 1 year now so she knows me well and should know all is ok. Anyway, at one point she was reading a mag and asks "do you think posh spice got a boob job", and I didn't feel like discussing it at the time so I said "em.. who cares whether she has or not?" I also said this to show I dont care about breast size (my gf is quite small). She says "sorry, I was only asking a question". After, I felt guilty so I straight away gave her a hug and kiss and said "sorry babe, I know you're interested in celebs but ..[cant remember the rest]". I just didn't feel in the mood for discussing something as shallow and pointless as whether posh had a boob job. Then later on I tell her I was glad there weren't any english crossword puzzles in the shop cos they drive me daft. I wasn't having a pop at her, but maybe she thought I was. I just think you can do more imaginitive/creative things with your mind than crosswords.. Anyway, I bought her ice-cream and water later on, and wasn't treating her bad, I was just tired and thus a little quieter than usual. I hugged her and made it obvious I was glad to be around her. Then she suggested we go upstairs for some tea, which I said was cool (I was tired and didn't care where we went). I said I'd get a table, and she said she'd get me tea..

She came back to the table and WHAM... tears, looking upset. This has happened before (sometimes she imagines that I'm having a go at her when I'm really not) and this time she's worse than ever. I tell her I'm sorry if I said anything to upset her, and she gets even more upset, telling me I'm patronizing.. what? I'm comfused. Here I am, just a tired guy in an airport getting attacked by this paranoid woman who thinks I'm being unkind to her. She says she "can't seem to do anything right for me", and that I'm being all quiet, and she thinks she did something to annoy me or offend me, and that I was pissed off. And this was my way of getting back at her. WHAT? That is not my method of communication and she knows that. I tell her I'm too tired to give the usual pep talk about how there is nothing to be worried about, how it's all her imagination, about how much I love her and that everything is fine, etc... [I'm very kind to her (she is sometimes nervous and anxious about things and I've helped build her confidence and get her to leave her fears behind) and never treat her badly... ever. And she has told me before that I'm different to any other guys she's been with]. She takes the coke wrapper off her bottle and wraps it around her fingers at a very fast pace, stretching it and tearing it (alarm bells?) and I'm honestly too tired to do anything so I just let her be upset and fuming or whatever, cos this has happened before and honestly... I'm just too tired to go through it all again. Maybe she is just looking for attention. She now has a mad look in her eyes and looks very intense and almost aggressive. I just try a different approach this time (usually I'm all over her, hugging her and reassuring).

She wants to go outside, so we do. She is crying like mad. She hugs me and talks and talks... about how we love each other and everything will be ok, that sometimes I'm tired and not in a good mood and that she forgives me. I don't talk at all, I just nod my head. I'm feeling quite horrified by the whole situation and almost intimidated by her body language and that mad look in her eyes. It passes away... so we go back to being "normal" again.

The next day I can't bear playing the lie anymore so I tell her - "The entire things was all a figment of your imagination". There was no argument, I wasn't annoyed with you, I wasn't patronising, I didn't even mean any harm in anything I'd said.. heck, I bought you water + ice cream and hugged you a kissed you only minutes before you freaked out... nothing happened. Nothing. It was the invention of your mind.

She just goes silent, cries... says nothing. Then in an hour we're back to "normal" again. I know that if I ask her about it she will start crying and get really upset again, so I forget about it.

So I'm asking the females here - does this kind of thing happen with severe tiredness and PMT? Or could it be serious mental illness / dillusion / schitzo? I should add that things are fine most of the time. But these outbursts make me wonder if she is actually nuts and is just good at convering it up most of the time because she wants me so bad? These outbursts - in a sad sort of way - kind of invalidate all the good times we've had for me... I don't know if that makes sense. But 99% of the time she's grand. It's the 1% that just keeps eating away at me...

ferdi

you were dog tired from the holiday and she probably was too...tired and emotional. i dont think anything you described makes her a bunny boiler, just irrational. if you cant handle the odd freak out, thats your problem not hers. i think its fair to say that most of us have these rare little 'episodes' once in a blue moon. nothing to worry about, just nod and say "yes dear" and move on.

rondeco

You come across as a bit of a w*nker in the post. Maybe you are a little insensitive to her and her needs. I might be wrong though. I'm tired you see.

justsomebloke

ye agreed, from teh sound of it BOTH of yous where tired however how that manifests itself is the opposite for the 2 of yous, you need your alone time where she needs comfort and companionship so each of yous were just making the situation worse for yourselves so it isn't just her

Beruthiel

Sorry buddy, but what age is this girl?

When I become leader of the Universe, trashy mags on celebs will be banned outright. People will get books if they wish to read. ('cept for those Mills & Boon types, they will also be banned).

Your g/f needs to get over herself and stop over, over, waaaay over analysing ever word that comes out of your mouth. She needs to calm down and relax in your company. She would not appear to be doing that and her sensivity rader is on defcon 3.
Have a word with her, explain to her that with men, you get what you see, which is different to women, so there is no need for her to read something into every little thing you say and do.

Anti

Yes she does seem a bit..... bannanas. But then again it was probably tiredness.

Trinity

Well there are needs which we all have and NEEDS, like special care needs.

We all get tired and emotional but mad look in her eyes, crying uncontrollably in public and irratically tearing plastic and wrapping it around her finger and reading the post i still cant figure out why. :eek:

I've seen this behaviour on a couple of occasions, when some one was g** eyed drunk, and when someone has emotional problems or has lost a loved one.

Its not normal behaviour, tired or not and i dont think many people would be pleased with this behaviour from their partner of a year so OP i'm sure you are not alone. Theres nothing as spirit crushing as having to repeatedly apologise for something you havent done. If you upset her she should have just said it to you and sorted it like an adult and left it instead of taking the good out of the whole weekend.

Just tell her how you feel.

LegacyUser

"You come across as a bit of a w*nker in the post. Maybe you are a little insensitive to her and her needs. I might be wrong though. I'm tired you see."

The thing is, if this was the first time I would have been all over her, comforting her, telling her it was all going to be ok. But ... it's like the girl who cried wolf. She has done this before, for no reason. Not once, three or four times in the year (maybe more), and each time it has mentally drained me. One time, I had gone out of the room wheile she was getting ready to go out.. I put on some loud music. When I came back into the room she had that scared look in her eye and was convinced I was angry with her. Then she started crying. I had to reassure her... but at the time it totally freaked me out. Her excuse was "whenever dad did that, we would be in for some anger / emotional turmoil".

It happened other time as well, similar situations. Like I say / do something. She goes quiet, then starts to become upset. And I have ro reassure her all over again before we can move on. And it wears me out...

I may seem like a wanker, I may seem insensitive.. but when this happens now, I just go "here we go again"... I feel... nothing. If anything, I almost feel like "do I deserve this?", "why the fcuk should I put up with this","how dare she ruin the day for both of us", "why is she bringing this sh1t into our relationship when everything is going perfectly"...

But maybe I should just put it down to tiredness and PMT.

P.S. She is 25, me 26. She reads more, Now, reveal, OK... and if you think that's bad... her Mum reads them all as well, only in greater quantity + all the Soap ones!! And not being judgemental, but I do agree - one can do better things with one's time

MOTHERTRUCKER

Firstly I would like to compliment you on your writing skills, you paint a very clear picture of the situation.
(then again there's two sides .......)
I would like to second the question about the age of this girl?
To me i think the phrase Bunny Boiler is non comparison to this particular situation.
IMHO I think this girl needs to do a lot of maturing.

God bless your patience and remember all relationships need work, and
good communication is the key to a successful relationship.

akw_old

no.
she is 25 so should be more mature than this.
i went out with a girl like this when i was 19, and basically i ended up apologising for things just to calm her down.
but the problem is that if you apologise everytime she freaks over you being quiet then you always end up on edge, and she will run the show from there on.
i wonder if this is what she is trying to get done.
you have nothing to apologise for so don't. tell her to relax and chill out.
and tell her you dont care about posh spice getting a boob job, who does.

Wibbs

Beruthiel wrote:

Sorry buddy, but what age is this girl?

Good question

When I become leader of the Universe, trashy mags on celebs will be banned outright. People will get books if they wish to read. ('cept for those Mills & Boon types, they will also be banned).

Good luck with that.:D

Have a word with her, explain to her that with men, you get what you see, which is different to women, so there is no need for her to read something into every little thing you say and do.

Good advice. the only problem? I've been there and you can get some that when you try to explain it punts them even further over the deep end. She may be convinced (in her own mind of course) that he's being patronising. Back to square one.

Frankly for me any woman who bursts into tears in public without a damned good reason is to be avoided if it happens more than once. you do mention outburst(s) so I don't know if this level of mad has come up before. IMHO tiredness is only ever an excuse for emotional tantrums with 3 year olds, not adults. getting a bit snappy is one thing, bursting into floods is quite another.

It does boil down to whether as you wrote that 99% of the time it's great. If so that's a good ratio if she only goes nuts 1% of the time.

seamus

As said, I don't think "Bunny Boiler" is the correct phrase to put in here.

You don't say how long you're going out, what her past history of relationships is like, or if there's any history of cheating from either side.

All I can gather from your posts is that she's horrifyingly insecure about the relationship and overanalyses every small word or action on your part. This can be common enough towards the start of relationships, particularly where one party has been badly hurt before, but if you're settling in on 12+ months, then some maturing has to begin.

The magazines are irrelevant. I know women in their thirties who still actively read them. Many women are interested in celebrity gossip. Some aren't. It has no real bearing on a person's emotional stability or intelligence.

Wibbs

BoiledBunny wrote:

The thing is, if this was the first time I would have been all over her, comforting her, telling her it was all going to be ok. But ... it's like the girl who cried wolf. She has done this before, for no reason. Not once, three or four times in the year (maybe more), and each time it has mentally drained me.

Not so good.

I put on some loud music. When I came back into the room she had that scared look in her eye and was convinced I was angry with her. Then she started crying. I had to reassure her... but at the time it totally freaked me out. Her excuse was "whenever dad did that, we would be in for some anger / emotional turmoil".

And obviously you're her dad. Riiiiight. Pavlov's dog she is not. If loud music gets her twitchy like that she needs to cop on.

It happened other time as well, similar situations. Like I say / do something. She goes quiet, then starts to become upset. And I have ro reassure her all over again before we can move on. And it wears me out...

IMHO at these times you are helping her act like this. She gets reassurance from you. She gets a reward for having a tantrum.

I may seem like a wanker, I may seem insensitive.. but when this happens now, I just go "here we go again"... I feel... nothing. If anything, I almost feel like "do I deserve this?", "why the fcuk should I put up with this","how dare she ruin the day for both of us", "why is she bringing this sh1t into our relationship when everything is going perfectly"...

No it's not that insensitive given you're still there for her when she goes postal. Natural reaction i would have said.

But maybe I should just put it down to tiredness and PMT.

In my humble they can also be used as excuses for childish behaviour. If her PMT is causing her to have mini nervous breakdowns with paranoia tacked on, she should see a doctor.

P.S. She is 25, me 26. She reads more, Now, reveal, OK... and if you think that's bad... her Mum reads them all as well, only in greater quantity + all the Soap ones!! And not being judgemental, but I do agree - one can do better things with one's time

I'm with Beruthiel on this one.

Beruthiel

seamus wrote:

All I can gather from your posts is that she's horrifyingly insecure about the relationship

Without a doubt she is. She must have no confidence in herself to be so insecure.

Many women are interested in celebrity gossip. Some aren't. It has no real bearing on a person's emotional stability or intelligence.

I'd have to question that one big time seamus.

~nop~

The thing about her dad, it sounds like she has issues in her past really. You know if she had a hard childhood etc?
However women do get emotional for no reason quite a lot, 3 or 4 times in the year doesn't sound that much, however the being scared of you does take it that step further.
If you really love her you'll just have to put up with it, as in I'm sure the good times will more than make up for the bad.

Jack B. Badd

Tbh, she's not so much a bunny boiler as just hysterical. And you're "enabling her behaviour" (God damn I love Dr Phil ) by paying so much attention to her when she's throwing a tantrum. If you're asking now why you should have to put up with this I can only imagine that you'll be asking this for some time to come unless she changes her attitude. And in all fairness, why should you have to put up with this behaviour? If she's got issues with her father or hormonal problems then she should see a counsellor or doctor. If you intend on staying with her, then support her but I wouldn't put up with this nonsense on a longterm basis (and a year is longterm in my book).

Wibbs

Beruthiel wrote:

Without a doubt she is. She must have no confidence in herself to be so insecure.

And that's a hard nut to crack. I spent a long time in one relationship with someone similar. I spent too long trying to help rather than being in the relationship. A bloody nightmare looking back. In her mad moments I would try to console her and reassure her and boost her confidence. It worked partially, but if her problem is extreme or frequent it can be very trying on the patience. You may end up like I did feeling I was her shrink or worse, because she often acted like a child I was treating her like one. Neither is healthy. Good luck with it.

I'd have to question that one big time seamus.

Well I'm signing up to your club.:D

hullaballoo

Jeez. I thought that's what a normal relationship was all about.

Where's the excitement if you see eye to eye the whole time?

Women can be sensitive to unusually mundane things, but equally, men can be unsensitive in situations that would demand some tact.

free2fly

She sounds a bit insecure and very immature. Perhaps the insecurity comes from the way she was treated by her father?

If she can't accept the fact that you are sometimes tired and/or quiet then there will continue to be problems in the future. Have you asked her why she thinks that something is wrong when you are quiet? Perhaps if you ask her why she feels that way it will give you a better insight into the problem and help you both to react differently when this situation arises.

I give you credit for being as patient as you were with her. If someone did that to me in public I think I'd be a bit pissed off to be honest.

melekalikimaka

those type of girls are quite common, so common in fact i think i actually share a large amount og genes with carrots, thus the attraction by those girls, if ya can live with it, its not that bad, i ain't easilt annoyed so its grand, but she'll eventually get pissed with your 'lack' of attention so its all very messy with them sorts imo

Kell

rondeco wrote:

You come across as a bit of a w*nker in the post.

:rolleyes:

BoiledBunny wrote:

Here I am, just a tired guy in an airport getting attacked by this paranoid woman who thinks I'm being unkind to her.

I tell her I'm too tired to give the usual pep talk about how there is nothing to be worried about,

I'm very kind to her (she is sometimes nervous and anxious about things and I've helped build her confidence and get her to leave her fears behind) and never treat her badly... ever

And she has told me before that I'm different to any other guys she's been with

And you never treat her badly. Hmmn.

Your post smacks of-

"I am so fúcking great and my GF is a total lame áss that I have to keep propped up. She does nothing but hang out of me having moods even though I am such a great guy that I convinced her she's a good person when she was having self doubt. My disregard for my GF goes so far as referring to her as Paranoid Woman instead of the human being she is. In fact, to talk to her sometimes, is to roll out the scratched and badly broken record that is my pep talk".

You seem to have hit the stage where you hold her in little regard so if you're that fúcking annoyed at your GF and her episodes, GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

Just think- no more boring áss pep talks.

K-

Gone West

thats par for the course dude...

LegacyUser

Quote:
>Many women are interested in celebrity gossip. Some aren't. It has no real >bearing on a person's emotional stability or intelligence.

"I'd have to question that one big time seamus."

So would I to be honest...

We've being going out nearly 1 year. No history of cheating or anything, we never fight, we work everything out with good communication and get on great. We spend ages together and the time flies, and we meet each other half-way when we need to do different things. It's a very positive, quite well balanced relationship... apart from these outbursts.

She's 25, I'm 26. Sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with a 3 year old though (when these negative emotions come up). I think the emotional abuse at the hands of her father has played a role, and she is very damaged as well... maybe she needs to do a lot of growing up as well - I sense that her Mum was very over protective and made her "fear" life a lot, even now... so in truth, she's only started proper "adult" living at the age of 22 (and even then, she lived with her sister), and her first major relationship (8 months) ended with him cheating on her. So that can't have helped.

No matter how much of a good boyfriend I am (and I'm not that bad, I'm always telling her how beautiful she is, reassuring her how much I love her, telling her how much I enjoy being with her), she still seems to have this paranoia and insecurity... and it seems like it's constantly there, eating away at her. There seems to be nothing I can do. Even when things are good, sometimes I see her obsessing about her weight, or asking me if she looks chunky. Or asking what I think of a certain celebrity's body... e.g. do you think posh is too thin? what do you think of coleen's body, etc...

Jack B. Badd

BoiledBunny wrote:

Quote:
>Many women are interested in celebrity gossip. Some aren't. It has no real >bearing on a person's emotional stability or intelligence.

"I'd have to question that one big time seamus."

So would I to be honest...

So basically you think you're going out with an emotionally unstable idiot? :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

to the OP, I think that you have to decide between the two of you that this situation has to change.

If you decide that you want to stay with her long term, she will mature, and perhaps calm down a bit.. but get the ball rolling...

Sit her down and talk to her and ask her to logically think through the events in her head before these feelings come up on her.
She needs to reasonably and logically think out things that lead to her being upset rather than allowing her feelings to irrationally envelope her.

Tell her that this crying and these outbursts aren't good for her and that at the end of the day wouldn't she rather be happy than crying.

If that fails then a bit of cognitive behaviour therapy might help.

/On celebrity magazines.
I'm quite shocked about some f the ridiculous black and white statements regarding ppl reading celebrity magazines.

I read them the odd time for the fashion pieces mostly and yes, shock horror, to see which celeb fell flat on their face at a party.
Its coffee table reading.
And the attitude of the reader has a lot to do with what is taken aware from the magazine.
If you are already insecure, and the type of person who is obsessed with celebs and appearance, then that's the attitude of the reader.
I would consider myself quite intelligent thanks very much.

What you lot are saying is the equivalent to stating that anyone who reads the catcher in the rye is automatically subversive.

I understand the unnerving attitude some women have to celebrity and all the appearance issues that go with that, but really, that's the readers issue, not the magazine.
If you are brought up with a healthy attitude to body image and its importance, then you will seldom be the type of person obsessed with Posh's boobs.

LegacyUser

"So basically you think you're going out with an emotionally unstable idiot?"

No, that's a bit harsh. But sometimes I see a big distance between where we're at, so yes, to me it seems very emotionaly unstable. And sometimes there seems to be a lack of any intuition or indeed intelligence... and this is from a girl who is a secondary school teacher, and who was one of the select few people in her class to be asked into a prestigious PHD programme (she was top of the class for her degree)... yet she can't write a coherent email with punctuation and spelling..

There are different types of intelligence I guess...

inverted_world

BoiledBunny wrote:

"So basically you think you're going out with an emotionally unstable idiot?"

No, that's a bit harsh. But sometimes I see a big distance between where we're at, so yes, to me it seems very emotionaly unstable. And sometimes there seems to be a lack of any intuition or indeed intelligence... and this is from a girl who is a secondary school teacher, and who was one of the select few people in her class to be asked into a prestigious PHD programme (she was top of the class for her degree)... yet she can't write a coherent email with punctuation and spelling..

There are different types of intelligence I guess...

Do you have anything good to say about her at all?

Do you really love her? Or do you just tell her you do to reassure her?

If you see such a huge distance in where the two of you are at, I would say that you need a break from each other in order to put your own lives into perspective outside of the relationship. Otherwise you are going to continue to blame her and grow to resent her even more. At the moment you are blaming her, and she's probably blaming you. You see yourself as being pretty much blameless in this situation, and she probably sees herself in that way too.

You say that you are fine 99% of the time, that you get on great... I'm sorry, but it really doesn't sound like it from your posts. This obviously bothers you a lot more than that 1% of the time.

Do you spend a lot of time together? I have a feeling that you probably at least speak to each other on a daily basis.
What is her life like outside of you? Does she have a lot of friends, and does she partake in any activities, such as sport or art?

No amount of sweet nothings can reassure her if she is not happy with herself. She needs to have a life outside of you, and she needs to be learn to enjoy the time she spends with her own friends and by herself. The same goes for you. Otherwise, you are going to get into a rut of fighting and resentment, and it will become more frequent, and more draining. You simply cannot be happy together if you are not happy with your own lives.

If you want to stay with her, this needs to be confronted soon. As it is, it seems to have gotten to the stage where you pity her rather than love her. What sort of a relationship is that?

LegacyUser

BoiledBunny wrote:

"So basically you think you're going out with an emotionally unstable idiot?"

No, that's a bit harsh......sometimes there seems to be a lack of any intuition or indeed intelligence... and this is from a girl who is a secondary school teacher, and who was one of the select few people in her class to be asked into a prestigious PHD programme (she was top of the class for her degree)... yet she can't write a coherent email with punctuation and spelling..

There are different types of intelligence I guess...

No THAT is a bit harsh.

You have said this has happened 1% of the time you have been together. Maybe it was an interplay of exhaustion ,insecurity and PMS on the occasion at the airport.It all does sound irrational on her part on the occasion you've mentioned and as though you did your best that day. However on the whole you sound as though you have quite a low opinion of her. You have questioned her mental stability, maturity ,upbringing and now had a cheap shot at her intelligence all on the basis of things being rocky 1% of the time.It sounds as though she has reason to be insecure around you.Maybe this attitude belies your general sweet behaviour and she senses your mistrust and reservations where she is concerned. This will make her sensitive to anything at all that can be percieved as a rejection from you.

If she is indeed intelligent at all, I would be sure that her mentioning posh spices boobs was just an effort on her part to talk to you and break the ice if you were being quiet and moody. She sounds like she was having a bad day but there really aren't many women to whom celebrity boobs are all THAT important.Finding something/anything to say to a grumpy surly boyfriend is important to most women however. Men and women veiw these things differently.

Maybe you should give her a break and realise just as you were tired and a bit grumpy ,she may have been tired and way over emotional. Maybe acknowledge that your doubts about her aren't necessarily based on her behaviour 1% of the time. If you can dredge up so many negatives about her over all character you should ask yourself just how much you care for her and whether you should be together. She might be better off with someone who isn't willing to look even to her punctuation to find something bad to say about her.

Jack B. Badd

Just_a_thought wrote:

However on the whole you sound as though you have quite a low opinion of her. You have questioned her mental stability, maturity ,upbringing and now had a cheap shot at her intelligence all on the basis of things being rocky 1% of the time.

I have to agree here. And tbh, it does sound like you think of her as both emotionally unstable and an idiot at least some of the time (sorry if this is "a bit harsh" but hell, why pull punches?). The question you should really be asking is why you are going out with someone you have such a low opinion of. And why is she going out with someone who has such a low opinion of her...

BoiledBunny wrote:

a lack of any intuition or indeed intelligence

And that pretty much says it all!

inverted_world

Yes, she deserves to be with someone who appreciates her, which the OP doesn't seem to.

OP, maybe you need to look at how you treat her too, and why you treat her this way. You say that she accusses you of being patronising, and you don't see how you are. Well, I suggest you read what you just wrote about her, and ask yourself whether or not that is patronising.

Maybe she isn't the only one who needs to examine their behaviour.

LegacyUser

I take that intelligence comment back.. I was just getting bogged down going through everything again.. and it's the comedown after an amazing bank holiday weekend with the person I love.

And yes, I said love, because I *do* love her. If it sounds like I don't, then it's just me venting online, because I never, ever vent with her (I get it all out of my system here online, and this is ... the fifth personal issue I have written about on these forums regarding my relationship). These forums help to get it out of my system a lot. And these feeling of resentment pass.

I'm going out with a beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, caring and loving girl. Maybe I don't deserve her. Maybe you're right. But I do not have a low opinion of her at all.. sometimes I feel a bit of love/hate.. but apparently that seems to be par for the course when it comes to relationships between men/women. I just work through it myself when it comes up, I try not to let it into our relationship and it doesn't. But as you say, maybe she can sense things that I feel.. like when I think she is being shallow, or superficial, etc. This is certainly something I will try and watch out for, and examine my thoughts and feelings if I start to think negatively of her for some reason.

I sometimes feel that my gf keeps having stuff to deal with, and sometimes I just wish we could get on with living and just being peaceful and happy. That truly is all I ask for, I'm not a complex person. I don't want her to be a carbon copy of me cos it would be boring. But I do want to be able to chill out and relax, and not be on the edge afraid she's going to freak over something I've said or done... sometimes I wonder if I'd still be around were it not for the sex being absolutely amazing and out of this world in virtually every aspect... and constantly getting better and hotter! But I'm glad I'm still around because I know we have lots to learn from each other, even though we're different.

Thanks so much for the advice everyone has given, and justathought, valorty, inverted world.. I will carry your words with me.

Maybe I just need to thrash it out with her, although my head is in a bit of a mess right now. And we are going to be moving in together in a few weeks so I gotta get it back together, and make sure we're doing the right thing.

I know I love her, and she's nuts about me. Maybe that's enough for now?

Miss Fluff

seamus wrote:

Many women are interested in celebrity gossip. Some aren't. It has no real bearing on a person's emotional stability or intelligence.

Absolutely. I actually find that people who berate others for reading them are often hugely insecure and poorly educated and feel the need to exert perceptions of their own intellectual superiority to others by chiding them for what they deem to be "stupid" reading material.

ANY reading in my opinion is good reading, it all exercises the brain, regardless of content. Some of the most intelligent people I know read them so I'd never slate her for that.

Acid_Violet

I'm not justifying her behaviour, but it seems like you're giving what she perceives as mixed messages.

BoiledBunny wrote:

She says "sorry, I was only asking a question". After, I felt guilty so I straight away gave her a hug and kiss and said "sorry babe, I know you're interested in celebs but ..[cant remember the rest]".

I wasn't having a pop at her, but maybe she thought I was.

Anyway, I bought her ice-cream and water later on, and wasn't treating her bad, I was just tired and thus a little quieter than usual. I hugged her and made it obvious I was glad to be around her.

She's clearly very insecure and paranoid imo. I can also understand why she'd think this because people can get quiet and basically like you got when
they're pissed off.

BoiledBunny wrote:

She says she "can't seem to do anything right for me", and that I'm being all quiet, and she thinks she did something to annoy me or offend me, and that I was pissed off. And this was my way of getting back at her.

She clearly has issues, but you didn't do much to help by mixed messages again.

BoiledBunny wrote:

I don't talk at all, I just nod my head.

The next day I can't bear playing the lie anymore so I tell her - "The entire things was all a figment of your imagination". There was no argument, I wasn't annoyed with you, I wasn't patronising, I didn't even mean any harm in anything I'd said.. heck, I bought you water + ice cream and hugged you a kissed you only minutes before you freaked out... nothing happened. Nothing. It was the invention of your mind.

You should've told her that on the day, **** it if you're tired, it needed to be dealt with.

BeardyGit

Miss Fluff wrote:

Absolutely. I actually find that people who berate others for reading them are often hugely insecure and poorly educated and feel the need to exert perceptions of their own intellectual superiority to others by chiding them for what they deem to be "stupid" reading material.

I wouldn't waste my time with someone who chose to read that tripe - They're beneat my level of intellect, and deserve my disdain, despite the weak arguments you make to the contrary. I'm educated, confident and intellectually capable and can sympathise with the OP if he finds his girlfriends choice of 'reading' materials to be a source of constant frustration. Come on people, a colouring book and a box of crayons would be a more creative way to spend time.....

Miss Fluff wrote:

ANY reading in my opinion is good reading, it all exercises the brain, regardless of content. Some of the most intelligent people I know read them so I'd never slate her for that.

Intelligence and stupidity are not mutually exclusive. I know some very intelligent people who are ridiculously stupid - Several in fact who work in highly trained and technical professions, who still decide to pollute their free time with tabloid 'reading' materials. OP, you need to decide if that's the case with your girlfriend. Is she just a bit thick, or is she truly a waste of your intellectual horsepower?

I know many will disagree, but I'm convinced that dim people can't rationalise like the rest of us and that given enough time, this flaw will show through even the prettiest facade. That could be a large part of the problem you face with your emotionally draining girlfriend - and something that only becomes apparent when you take your rose tinted glasses off to wipe those tired eyes of yours. Terrible prospect I know, but maybe she TRULY isn't good enough for you.

Reality bites and all that.

LegacyUser

Inverted world: "She needs to have a life outside of you, and she needs to be learn to enjoy the time she spends with her own friends and by herself. The same goes for you."

Inverted world - this is very true. But my gf can't stay on her own for a whole day without going a bit crazy. She hasn't got any hobbies to speak of, and has only one proper friend, and her family to spend time with. So she wants to be with me as much as possible... she said she couldn't live without me now (a bit scary).

In general, she doesn't like her own company and has to find someone to talk to. Last time I left her on her own in my house (she had no car either) she started taking pictures of herself and lamenting at how she was feeling ugly, and said that she had an "ugly day"... and this sort of thing happens when she is alone for a long time. She said she shouldn't be left alone, she needs work to be doing or people around. She doesn't like being alone with her own thoughts.

I'm the opposite, I've gone on silent meditation for days on end with no human contact at all, and I've loved it. I also love to be around lots of people but not constantly. I also have tons of hobbies, I'm into so much stuff that it's going to be difficult this summer to keep my gf happy and give her enough attention, but I'll try. I wish she'd get some hobbies other than going to the gym - I also agree, it would be good for her confidence.

LegacyUser

Gil_Dub wrote:

I know many will disagree, but I'm convinced that dim people can't rationalise like the rest of us and that given enough time, this flaw will show through even the prettiest facade. That could be a large part of the problem you face with your emotionally draining girlfriend - and something that only becomes apparent when you take your rose tinted glasses off to wipe those tired eyes of yours. Terrible prospect I know, but maybe she TRULY isn't good enough for you.

Reality bites and all that.

I'm starting to believe that level of intelligence plays quite a large role in various things, based on what I have observed in society and in relationships. I think it's responsible for many of the larger problems we see in the world today, right down to this problem I'm having right now. But we can't choose the intelligence level of the person we fall in love with...

Chinafoot

BoiledBunny wrote:

I sometimes feel that my gf keeps having stuff to deal with, and sometimes I just wish we could get on with living and just being peaceful and happy.

Yeah and I want Joaquin Phoenix to come tell I've won the Euro Millions before he whisks me away on his private jet to some tropical island. Realistically, that's not going to happen. Relationships go through these types of things all the time. People have issues and problems that they need to deal with. If you can't or won't help your girlfriend deal with whatever is going on her life then you shouldn't be together.

Posting about this stuff on an internet forum and not discussing this with her is going to get you nowhere. No wonder the girl is paranoid.

Read back over the stuff you've said about her here. You pretty much slated the girl you claim to love. Maybe it was a moment of anger and frustration at the situation, but when you don't have this forum to "vent" to do you honestly think your girlfriend would be oblivious to how you're feeling about her?

BoiledBunny wrote:

sometimes I wonder if I'd still be around were it not for the sex being absolutely amazing and out of this world in virtually every aspect... and constantly getting better and hotter!

Yeah sounds like real love to me.

If you want sex without the hassle then get yourself a fúck-buddy and stop wasting this girl's time.

inverted_world

BoiledBunny wrote:

Maybe I don't deserve her.

....

I sometimes feel that my gf keeps having stuff to deal with, and sometimes I just wish we could get on with living and just being peaceful and happy.

.....

although my head is in a bit of a mess right now. And we are going to be moving in together in a few weeks so I gotta get it back together, and make sure we're doing the right thing.

I know I love her, and she's nuts about me. Maybe that's enough for now?

The idea of people "deserving" each other is something I don't understand. I meant that people deserve to be with someone who truly loves them and wants to understand and work with them. You don't sound like a bad person, neither does she, but ANY relationship requires a degree of changing behaviour, and learning to live in harmony with each other. And by change, I don't mean anything drastic, like becoming a carbon copy of each other... Change is a natural thing, and if you control it, it is the kind of change that makes you a better person... more of a maturing, a learning curve I suppose.


Yes, it does sound like there are personal issues that need to be dealt with. You say that your head is in a mess. Maybe you both should take up something outside of each other? You do need to have lives outside of each other, I can't stress how important that is.
I don't know, I can't speak for either of you in regards that, but it does need to be sorted out before you can get back to normal. More importantly, you both have to realise that there is a problem there in the first place.

It sounds like your girlfriend's issues are rooted in her past. That is something she needs to face, as this level of insecurity can be very damaging. She probably doesn't even realise it, but I reckon that these outbursts are to do with some sort of insecurity. And since you massage her ego every time it happens, maybe it's subconsciously her way of letting herself know that you aren't about to leave her. But she shouldn't need to freak out to see this. Unless she faces up to whatever is causing these outbursts, they will continue, and probably get worse.

BUT!!! It is no use telling her that she has problems, she has to realise it herself, and the sad fact is that it often has to get a lot worse for someone to actually realise it. You can talk to her calmly about how the outbursts make you feel, but telling her that she needs to sort her problems out will just make her thing that you are blaming her for all your problems, and it WILL seem patronising. She has to realise it herself.

You say that your head is a mess too... so the same goes for you! You need to sort your head out on your own. Both of you do.
So, are you sure that moving in together will help the situation? It's a huge step, and takes a lot of working and compromise on both sides. I think it would be a better idea to hold off on this step until you have sorted out your own problems first?

No, just loving her is not enough for now. This isn't magically going to work itself out, so ignoring it until the next big episode is not a good idea. You mentioned that after an episode, she just acts as if nothing had happened. But it clearly effects you on a more long term basis. The longer it goes unsolved, the worse you are going to feel.

Good luck, though. I hope things work out.

BoiledBunny

BoiledBunny wrote:

And yes, I said love, because I *do* love her. If it sounds like I don't, then it's just me venting online, because I never, ever vent with her (I get it all out of my system here online, and this is ... the fifth personal issue I have written about on these forums regarding my relationship). These forums help to get it out of my system a lot. And these feeling of resentment pass.

You never vent at her? Do you ever tell her how you feel at all? Why on earth are you telling us this anyway? You're in a relationship with her, not us.
No wonder the girl is insecure over nothing if you never tell her anything and then bitch about her behind her back!!

sometimes I wonder if I'd still be around were it not for the sex

if you just want sex stop messing with her head, leave her, and go lay someone else. If you don't, you'll make her feel a million times worse than she already must.

LegacyUser

inverted_world wrote:

You don't sound like a bad person, neither does she, but ANY relationship requires a degree of changing behaviour, and learning to live in harmony with each other. And by change, I don't mean anything drastic, like becoming a carbon copy of each other... Change is a natural thing, and if you control it, it is the kind of change that makes you a better person... more of a maturing, a learning curve I suppose.

I totally agree. In fact, since the start of the relationship there has been a lot of change. We have both changed and learnt from each other. She has left a lot of her fears behind, and [she tells me] I have given her a lot of positive energy and helped her to resolve issues and leave her fears behind. She is no longer as shy or cripplingly afraid of people and social situations as she used to be. She says I have shown her so much in life, and that I have made her feel so happy, so secure and so much better about herself. I have also learnt to change, to deal with the fact that sometimes there is fear, to deal with the fact that she has come from a horrible place, to deal with my feelings about her background and the kind of culture she grew up in. It is alien to me, but I have accepted it, and have accepted her into my heart, deeply. I have not judged her based on where she comes from, or the kind of family she grew up in. I just accept her one day at a time...

And she does come from a hard place. An emotionally abusive, alcoholic father and an over protective and deeply afraid, nervous wreck of a mother. A suicidal and deeply depressed sister and currently anorexic, almost skeletal friend... a lot of this freaked me out in the beginning. Sisters who make her feel like an outsider one day, and best sister in the world the next... There are many more. But I have accepted all this darkness, and have not judged. It is part of who she is. And I guess I have to give liberties when she has her emotional breakdowns.

inverted_world wrote:

Yes, it does sound like there are personal issues that need to be dealt with. You say that your head is in a mess. Maybe you both should take up something outside of each other? You do need to have lives outside of each other, I can't stress how important that is.

I have lots of hobbies, although every weekend is spent with her because we're in a long distance relationship. My previous post (I don't know if it's up there yet) said about how she doesn't have many hobbies apart from the gym. She doesn't seem interested in many things but I'm going to try and motivate her to do more things. I should state that her job is everything to her - she works hard and loves her work.

inverted_world wrote:

I don't know, I can't speak for either of you in regards that, but it does need to be sorted out before you can get back to normal. More importantly, you both have to realise that there is a problem there in the first place.

This is difficult - any time I try to tackle these issues she just gets emotional and breaks down into tears. Then I feel bad for making her cry. She just can't face these issues it seems... and as I only see her at weekends, our time is golden and I don't want to spend it in tears!

inverted_world wrote:

It sounds like your girlfriend's issues are rooted in her past. That is something she needs to face, as this level of insecurity can be very damaging. She probably doesn't even realise it, but I reckon that these outbursts are to do with some sort of insecurity. And since you massage her ego every time it happens, maybe it's subconsciously her way of letting herself know that you aren't about to leave her. But she shouldn't need to freak out to see this. Unless she faces up to whatever is causing these outbursts, they will continue, and probably get worse.

I know, this is true. I have faced a lot of my demons through meditation, and I encourage her to do the same. But she has difficult sitting still, and needs this constant "noise" in her life. Whether it's the radio, tv, talking on the phone, excercise... I think she needs to sit down and get to know herself. I think she's constantly running and just needs to be with her thoughts and face up to them.

inverted_world wrote:

BUT!!! It is no use telling her that she has problems, she has to realise it herself, and the sad fact is that it often has to get a lot worse for someone to actually realise it. You can talk to her calmly about how the outbursts make you feel, but telling her that she needs to sort her problems out will just make her thing that you are blaming her for all your problems, and it WILL seem patronising. She has to realise it herself.

I guess I will just have to be patient. I have already had this whole chat with her, about how she needs to sort it out and that our relationship will be in trouble if she doesn't. But then she just forgets about it, and things go on... until the next outburst. She is also a little bit lazy.. I have already bought her some self help books, and she thought they were really good. But after reading a few pages she's back to the gossip mags like NOW and Reveal and More! Sometimes I just feel that she would prefer to feed her mind with junk, rather than help it to repair with some mind/body/spirit stuff. I genuinely think she doesn't want to get well; deep down she doesn't want to be happy. This makes me fear she will someday end up like her parents - her Dad is badly depressed and her mother cries regularly and is nervous. I will just have to wait until she wants to get well... I guess sometimes the waiting isn't easy. Threatening to leave sometimes seems like an attractive option, but it's too cruel to put into practice.

inverted_world wrote:

You say that your head is a mess too... so the same goes for you! You need to sort your head out on your own. Both of you do.
So, are you sure that moving in together will help the situation? It's a huge step, and takes a lot of working and compromise on both sides. I think it would be a better idea to hold off on this step until you have sorted out your own problems first?

I should be ok. Right now my head's a mess, but this usually gets resolved after a few hours. I'm more worried about my gf, who seems to keep pushing things under the carpet until the next time. I wish she would just talk to me about it... that's really all I ask.

inverted_world wrote:

No, just loving her is not enough for now. This isn't magically going to work itself out, so ignoring it until the next big episode is not a good idea. You mentioned that after an episode, she just acts as if nothing had happened. But it clearly effects you on a more long term basis. The longer it goes unsolved, the worse you are going to feel.

You are right. And I'm feeling worse now than I did when it first happened. So what can I do when these things happen? Not react? I did that the last time and it made her worse. Should I get angry, or just laugh? I honestly don't know what to do. How do I not massage her ego, as you put it?

inverted_world wrote:

Good luck, though. I hope things work out.

Many thanks for your long post

inverted_world

I know that's tough... It's hard whan she's in tears not to automatically comfort her... Maybe you could speak calmly to her whan she does this. Tell her how it makes YOU feel, Let her talk, and listen to her, but don't cuddle her and kiss her or humor her until she calms down? I don't know how to handle this situation, it's not easy, I know.

As for her life, she NEEDS to be able to exist outside of you, and allow you to exist outside of her without you worrying about her and feeling guilty that she is on her own. It's not fair on you to beel so obligated towards her. I don't know how she will see this, but she will have to. She can't be so dependant on you, and it's totally unfair of her to pull such emotional strings by telling you that she can't live without you.

What was her life like before you met her? Did she have more friends? If she did, and she has fallen out of contact with them since you met, she's going to have to eat a slice of humble pie and call them up. The gym isn't the most sociable of places. You plug your headphones in and zone out. She needs to go out in the world on her own and find her own footing. I know this would be a terrifying thought to her, but maybe she should take an evening class on her own?

This is why I think you need a break. Not necessarily to break up, but to not be in contact with her so much until she finds out how to live without you. I'm saying this from experience. Until you are able to be happy outside of each other, you won't be able to be fully happy together.
If she claims to have learned that much from you, then she is going to have to learn the rest for herself. You can't keep falling back into the same rut. It's just going to keep hurting both of you.

inverted_world

BoiledBunny wrote:

She doesn't like being alone with her own thoughts.

She's going to have to face them sooner or later. It's not healthy at all to not spend some time alone with your thoughts.

Maybe she should see a counseller, although there is no easy way of suggesting that either. Unless she faces what goes on in her own head, there is no way she will be able to maintain a healthy relationship with anyone.

It's a scary thing, going out in the world alone, I've been there, but the feeling of liberation will pay off the feelings of fear a million times over. You can be there for her as much as you can, but you can't hold her hand the whole way. You have a life too.

SarahSassy

BoiledBunny wrote:

She reads more, Now, reveal, OK... and if you think that's bad... her Mum reads them all as well, only in greater quantity + all the Soap ones!! And not being judgemental, but I do agree - one can do better things with one's time

You ARE being judgemental and condescending!!!!! I dont read those magazines but I dont look down on people who do and you not only look down on, sneer and pass comment on your 'mother in law' but your girlfriend too. Now wonder she is not happy with you.

SarahSassy

BoiledBunny wrote:

Quote: Sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with a 3 year old though (when these negative emotions come up)

You are a patronising wally !!!!!!!!

ircoha

From the opening post:
"But 99% of the time she's grand. It's the 1% that just keeps eating away at me."

Most of us would be happy with that split.

DublinWriter

First of all dude, congrats on the posting, even if you did do it anonymously.

It takes a good bit of emotional courage to stump up to a bunch of strangers and admit you have a problem, even anonymously.

I was watching this thread out of the corner of my eye today, and to be honest I did have to bite my tongue a bit before I replied, not so because of your post, but because of some of the posts of others in here who came across as being incredibly critical, negative and unhelpful.

Of those who did post very negative and critical comments, I would imagine that they are incredibly emotionally immature and have never been in a meaningful relationship of any kind. It’s very easy to throw stones in a glasshouse.

To those I’d say that if hurling abuse at the OP makes you feel better about your current miserable situation, then go ahead and get your jollies in the short term; he sounds like a reasonably intelligent guy who’ll dismiss your negativity for what it is, won’t take your measly bait, and who will continue get on with his lot, proactively seeking a solution.

To the OP I’d say that there’s definitely an issue with communication there which is the root to the problem. Your GF might have an issue with trust, which is causing her a wee bit of inner-conflict which is manifesting itself as the irrational behaviour as you perceive it. She is more than likely just as confused with her own behaviour as you are.

It would be very easy to say “oh just talk!”, but most people aren’t even honest to themselves, never mind others.

The first holiday away together tends to be a make-or-break situation for almost every relationship (including several of mine!). I’ve yet to understand why that is, but there is it.

…and lastly, regarding the ‘being silent’ bit on your part, do buy her a copy of ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’. I generally hate most American pop-psychology tomes, but it does give either side a very good insight into how the other side operates, in particular why guys need to be silent at times of stress and why it isn’t an issue.

hullaballoo

OP, it strikes me on re-reading the thread that your girlfriend is obviously unhappy with herself and her life. Now, she reads celebrity rags a lot, so she probably has some sort of affinity with celebrities in her head.

So, the fighting, and the other stuff that's worrying you is more than likely to come from a need to have some sort of drama in her life too. She might need the excitement of it. She might be testing your feelings for her, to see how much you react when she goes off the wall.

It reminds me an awful lot of my ex tbh. She used to go nuts every so often for almost no reason. Once I stopped reacting to her, she stopped doing it.

I've mixed feelings about what happened next: when she realised I wasn't playing anymore, she didn't change her ways. She still wanted drama and excitement to make her own life seem more like TV (I assume). She just started looking elsewhere. She started to get involved in activities in college (some healthy, some not so much) and all of this eventually led to our break-up.

Here's the thing: she's a far better person now - happier in herself, and a pleasure to be around. She's found the excitement in terms of the sports and the social life that she was looking for. She's not such a drama queen (insofar as I can tell).

Apologies for bringing my story into things, but the resemblences in the relationship and behaviours are striking. Wow, I nearly wrote "relationshit" there.

davyjose

DublinWriter wrote:

I was watching this thread out of the corner of my eye today, and to be honest I did have to bite my tongue a bit before I replied, not so because of your post, but because of some of the posts of others in here who came across as being incredibly critical, negative and unhelpful.

Of those who did post very negative and critical comments, I would imagine that they are incredibly emotionally immature and have never been in a meaningful relationship of any kind. It’s very easy to throw stones in a glasshouse.

To those I’d say that if hurling abuse at the OP makes you feel better about your current miserable situation, then go ahead and get your jollies in the short term; he sounds like a reasonably intelligent guy who’ll dismiss your negativity for what it is, won’t take your measly bait, and who will continue get on with his lot, proactively seeking a solution.

Hear hear.

To the person that called him a w*nker - get a grip!!!

OS119

BoiledBunny wrote:

should of said:my GF is is an emotional wreak who continually demands reasurance and support and occasionally flips into 'four-year-old' mode to wring those extra, non-standard bits of pleading to both reasure her wilder aspects of neediness and paranoia and to affirm my subservience to her rather odd version of an adult relationship.
QUOTE]

next time it happens to any drgree that really gets on your tits, tell her to "fcuk off and behave like an adult". if she does, great.

if she doesn't then you've got the really difficult bit of breaking up with her over with.

harsh perhaps, but whatever is the result you can then stop wasting each others time. though, being realistic, you're not really going to consider having kids with this loon are you...?

dellas1979

Dont think at all that she is a bunny boiler as you put it. That was very very harsh on your part to even call her that.

She might have a few issues alright. You need to stand up for yourself on these occasions that she has outbursts.

Ask her to handle herself.

Beruthiel

BoiledBunny wrote:

I also have tons of hobbies, I'm into so much stuff that it's going to be difficult this summer to keep my gf happy.

Is she not interested in joining you in any of these hobbies? Would you not sort something out that you both can do?
OP
You state that you have been on here before complaining about your g/f. If this is your 5th or 6th thread on this then you would seem to have an issue that you are not addressing in your relationship. How long exactly are you going to continue like this before you do something?
She maybe the most fantastic women on the planet, but if you are not happy with her, then why are you still with her?
If it truly bothers you only 1% of the time, then you need to cop yourself on and live with it. Anyone who is 99% happy with a relationship is a lucky person.

Miss Fluff wrote:

I actually find that people who berate others for reading them are often hugely insecure and poorly educated and feel the need to exert perceptions of their own intellectual superiority to others by chiding them for what they deem to be "stupid" reading material.

I am not hugely insecure and I'm not sure what you mean by poorly educated, but I am still of the opinion that mags such as those are nothing but a waste of good trees, do absolutely nothing for the reader and are full of stuff which puts pressure on women in all kinds of ways. Why anyone would willingly fill their minds with that trash is indeed beyond my comprehension, that might be down to my poor education though.