Agony Uncle Darkjager

DarkJager

This thread is for all of my fellow brothers who have any manly questions they wish to have answered by me, manliest of all manly agony uncles : Uncle DarkJager. So feel free to ask me anything: the best drinks to get you smashed, advice when women just will not fvcking listen to you, whats the beer that cools the fastest etc...

Tom Dunne

Is it wrong that I don't like sports?

racso1975

Dear Aunty DarkJager,

I am currently on a quest to become a complete lazy SOB. You know spend all sat on the couch and get take-away delivered and swill beer...........but i live next door to my fockin father in-law.....who is constantly nagging bout doin stuff around the house and outside it and in turn the old battle axe is onto me. As you can see this is causing me serious grief and just to show he thick he is he believes BUD is a nice beer. WTF U CULCHIE FOCKER!!!!!

Please Help

Racso

p.s. I cant really kill him as wife will give even more gear ache then

DarkJager

No my brother it is not...Everybody knows that the most manly of men have more manly things to be doing than kicking a ball around or playing with a stick (your own stick is excluded from this comment). Why not try inventing a new sport, preferably involving the usage of an ungodly amount of drink before it is played?

racso1975

OK...........having seen Tom Dunnes question i would like to change mine so i dont seem like a nutter....

Is it wrong that i dont like my active Father in law?:o

DarkJager

racso1975 wrote:

Dear Aunty DarkJager,

I am currently on a quest to become a complete lazy SOB. You know spend all sat on the couch and get take-away delivered and swill beer...........but i live next door to my fockin father in-law.....who is constantly nagging bout doin stuff around the house and outside it and in turn the old battle axe is onto me. As you can see this is causing me serious grief and just to show he thick he is he believes BUD is a nice beer. WTF U CULCHIE FOCKER!!!!!

Please Help

Racso

p.s. I cant really kill him as wife will give even more gear ache then

Firstly brother it is UNCLE Darkjager... Its seems your Father in Law firstly has a very poor taste in beer. Budweiser is only consumed by men wearing pink shirts or man bitches as we will refer to them here. My advice is to invite your father in law around one saturday to join you in your laziness. The beer of choice for this occasion should be 8.6% Graffenwalder, guaranteed that after 3 cans (especially for a Bud drinker), he won't feel like moving off the couch.

The only other advice I can give you if this fails, is to invest in a cat. Pour beer on him, keep him locked in a room all week feeding him tortillas under the door and swear at him every day. Then on Saturday, open the room and let the cat roam free. You will be free to enjoy your day of manliness while your feline "hall monitor" will keep away any unwanted guests.

The Hill Billy

I think that he's right with "Aunty".
Who else would be nosy & cunning enough to get their brothers to 'fess up to not knowing "best drinks to get you smashed (Alcohol), advice when women just will not fvcking listen to you (Get a newer model), whats the beer that cools the fastest (Beer in the freezer) etc..."?


'Nuff said.

Slow Motion

DarkJager wrote:

The only other advice I can give you if this fails, is to invest in a cat. Pour beer on him, keep him locked in a room all week feeding him tortillas under the door and swear at him every day. Then on Saturday, open the room and let the cat roam free. You will be free to enjoy your day of manliness while your feline "hall monitor" will keep away any unwanted guests.

Classic

Tom Dunne

racso1975 wrote:

OK...........having seen Tom Dunnes question i would like to change mine so i dont seem like a nutter....

Is it wrong that i dont like my active Father in law?:o

No, that's classic.

J.S. Pill

Dear Uncle Darkjager,

When one encounters a group of girlies in the course of one's socialising is it allright to talk to the tubby one in the group straight away or is that like hanging a plate around my neck saying 'Me want shag now'?

DarkJager

Indeed it is a desperate sign J.S. Always go for the best looking bitch in the group first. The only time you can talk to the tubby one in hopes of shag is at the end of the night, when you are allowed to follow the rule : "Its half past 2, and anyone will do"

Kinetic^

racso1975 wrote:

OK...........having seen Tom Dunnes question i would like to change mine so i dont seem like a nutter....

Is it wrong that i dont like my active Father in law?:o

Tis not wrong Brother Rasco, remember you play "Where's the sausage?" with his daughter so your hatred is probably mutual!!!!

Kazooie

Dear Uncle DarkJager,

As you will see, the weather has been getting better. Because of this, the Grass in our lawn has begun to grow from it's winter hibernation. Therefore my other half has begun to nag me about getting of the sofa and cutting it. Do you know of anyway way of keeping it cut without the labour, short of covering it over with concrete (I have decided against this). I am willing to invest in some sheep. Thanks in advance.

Kazooie.

J.S. Pill

DarkJager wrote:

Indeed it is a desperate sign J.S. Always go for the best looking bitch in the group first. The only time you can talk to the tubby one in hopes of shag is at the end of the night, when you are allowed to follow the rule : "Its half past 2, and anyone will do"

Hmmm. So if I hit on a tubby at say half 11 she'll be really flattered: "Wow, he's only had like 3 pints, thats the least drunk anyone has been talking to me!"

Awwwright! can't wait to hit the pub tonight!

Thanks Uncle DarkJager

DarkJager

Kazooie wrote:

Dear Uncle DarkJager,

As you will see, the weather has been getting better. Because of this, the Grass in our lawn has begun to grow from it's winter hibernation. Therefore my other half has begun to nag me about getting of the sofa and cutting it. Do you know of anyway way of keeping it cut without the labour, short of covering it over with concrete (I have decided against this). I am willing to invest in some sheep. Thanks in advance.

Kazooie.

Sheep are the not the answer Kazooie. Who knows what sexual predators might be lurking in your neighbourhood looking for some rough wool sex? I suggest you kidnap a local emo kid. (Emo kids are those depressive youngsters who look like goths but listen to really whiny bands and cry themselves to sleep every night). Emo kids are renowned for their love of cutting things (cutting the legs off their pants, cutting themselves etc). I'm sure that your Emo kid would have no problem cutting the grass, in between games of playing Freddy Krueger with himself!

Slow Motion

DarkJager wrote:

Sheep are the not the answer Kazooie. Who knows what sexual predators might be lurking in your neighbourhood looking for some rough wool sex? I suggest you kidnap a local emo kid. (Emo kids are those depressive youngsters who look like goths but listen to really whiny bands and cry themselves to sleep every night). Emo kids are renowned for their love of cutting things (cutting the legs off their pants, cutting themselves etc). I'm sure that your Emo kid would have no problem cutting the grass, in between games of playing Freddy Krueger with himself!

ROFL You da man uncle

MOTHERTRUCKER

Dear Uncle Darkjager,


Is it wrong after a long night in front of the TV drinking and eating takeaways to flick over to the Adult channels and crack one off rather than go upstairs and wake the wife?????

Am i a bad man.

Kinetic^

Brother MotherTrucker,

Your wimmin should know she should come downstairs after your strenous evening and relieve any stress that has built up. There should be no need for you to anything but sit back and relax. Should you fall asleep during the stress relief, she should realise that she has indeed, relaxed you.

DarkJager

MOTHERTRUCKER wrote:

Dear Uncle Darkjager,


Is it wrong after a long night in front of the TV drinking and eating takeaways to flick over to the Adult channels and crack one off rather than go upstairs and wake the wife?????

Am i a bad man.

Not at all. I'm a big fan of the Adult Channels and sometimes your wife just needs to understand that you need some time with Pam and her 5 sisters. Although I will tell you a trick that only the best men can pull off. After shooting a pearl necklace all over the carpet/couch run up the stairs as loud as you can. Kick the door of the bedroom open, slap your wife on the ass and say "You're next bitch!!". Then proceed to nail her until you pass out. Trust me, the looks you'll get the next morning will be well worth the effort.

Revelation Joe

Kazooie wrote:

Dear Uncle DarkJager,

As you will see, the weather has been getting better. Because of this, the Grass in our lawn has begun to grow from it's winter hibernation. Therefore my other half has begun to nag me about getting of the sofa and cutting it. Do you know of anyway way of keeping it cut without the labour, short of covering it over with concrete (I have decided against this). I am willing to invest in some sheep. Thanks in advance.

Kazooie.

I can handle this one Uncle DJ (if you don't mind?)

Brother Kazooie,
Buy some Dutch Gold or similar cheap crappy lager. Pour it all over the grass.
It will then grow..........




'half-cut'!

Ba-dum tish!

scojones

Dear Uncle DarkJager,

I've started to get fed up of going to nightclubs. As an alternative, I purchase a bag of cans in the local offy and get a bag of grass and veg out for the weekend. The problem is, there are no women in my house that I can "pull", and I just can't be arsed leaving the house and going to a club. That involves showering and shaving, and screw that! What do you suggest I do? I was thinking of ordering in an escourt, both the pleasure me sexually and to clean my house, but I don't want to bother paying for it. What do you suggest I do, oh wise one?

MOTHERTRUCKER

scojones wrote:

Dear Uncle DarkJager,

I've started to get fed up of going to nightclubs. As an alternative, I purchase a bag of cans in the local offy and get a bag of grass and veg out for the weekend. The problem is, there are no women in my house that I can "pull", and I just can't be arsed leaving the house and going to a club. That involves showering and shaving, and screw that! What do you suggest I do? I was thinking of ordering in an escourt, both the pleasure me sexually and to clean my house, but I don't want to bother paying for it. What do you suggest I do, oh wise one?

And your problem being?

I'm so lazy i'd rather have a **** than have sex.
You don't belong in this forum. Your too needy.

DarkJager

scojones wrote:

Dear Uncle DarkJager,

I've started to get fed up of going to nightclubs. As an alternative, I purchase a bag of cans in the local offy and get a bag of grass and veg out for the weekend. The problem is, there are no women in my house that I can "pull", and I just can't be arsed leaving the house and going to a club. That involves showering and shaving, and screw that! What do you suggest I do? I was thinking of ordering in an escourt, both the pleasure me sexually and to clean my house, but I don't want to bother paying for it. What do you suggest I do, oh wise one?

The problem with escorts is you never know "what" will show up to your house. Theres the chance that being so stoned and drunk, you will not realise you are being spit roasted by 2 eastern european ladyboys who sing to each other while you scream and slowly start to realise whats happening. I can't recommend Irish escorts, simply for the fact that they all have faces like a bucket of smashed crabs!

As has been mentioned above, if you can manage to to get to a club there is always the chance of picking up an "unloved tubby". This may pose a serious risk of dehydration (their fat + the rising temperatures outside) but its certainly a start. Please find below my chart, and determine which level you should start at. From there, just work your way up until you find a bitch who will give you a gobble while cleaning the carpet.

1: Horrifically Ugly: Commonly found in karaoke bars and Indie nightclubs. Noticable by the sheer body odour they emit and the fact they look like a smacked arse.

2: Doable after an insane amount of drink: The kind of woman who makes your stomach turn the minute you see her when sober, but for some reason lights the fire of the groins when you're barely able to stand. Found in most pubs/

3: Average: She's not going to turn any heads, but knows how to give it! Pickable at anytime of the evening. Found in most low end pubs and middle range nightclubs.

4: Daycent: A limerick term used to describe a bitch you'd nearly ride in the middle of the pub. Grab these as fast as possible, because they usually end up with the scumbags/ rugby jocks at the end of the night. Usually haunt the upper class bars and nightclubs.

5: Legend: Like a fairytale come true. These birds are so hot, you'd nearly cream yourself just staring at them. It takes a man with real balls to get one of these, and even then, those balls are probably going to end up bruised after a few hours in the sack with them. Found in only the highest quality nightclubs and pubs, venues commonly guarded by bouncers who are complete and utter bastards to get past.

6: Myth: It is a very rare occasion that you would see one of these, especially in Ireland. Every sighting is like a religious experience, enough to make even the toughest man cry from the urges in his pants. Usually not found anywhere, as they are so hot they usually stay home having sex with themselves.

scojones

I think I'll start at Number 1 and go from there.

DarkJager

Aim for number 3, you'd have to have no eyes to go for number 1!!

Tom Dunne

I'd like a number 4. Can I get that with boiled rice?

DarkJager

Oh dear....I totally forgot about this thread..... Sorry Tom, you can have the boiled rice!

Slow Motion

DarkJager wrote:

Oh dear....I totally forgot about this thread..... Sorry Tom, you can have the boiled rice!

Tut ! Tut ! Tut ! I think the rice is probably a paddy field by know

DarkJager

Eh yeah....as Slow Motion said, the reason its taken so long is because I had to grow it myself!!! Note: No more orders of rice please....

DublinWriter

Brothers,

What the wimmin do not understand is that what we see when we walk into a pub/club is something like the Point-of-View scenes from the film Robocop.

As we look around the room, numerous pieces of data in a neon-green font colour blip across and superimpose themselves on our view of the wimmin as we scan the surrounds.

E.g.: "Out of your league", "Wedding Ring", "FALSE TAN ALERT!", "Holding Pattern for later when desperate", "Hot, but with guy", "System update....data processed from eavesdropping their conversation about the Afternoon Show leading to 80% probability of guy being gay".

etc.

J.S. Pill

DublinWriter wrote:

Brothers,

What the wimmin do not understand is that what we see when we walk into a pub/club is something like the Point-of-View scenes from the film Robocop.

As we look around the room, numerous pieces of data in a neon-green font colour blip across and superimpose themselves on our view of the wimmin as we scan the surrounds.

E.g.: "Out of your league", "Wedding Ring", "FALSE TAN ALERT!", "Holding Pattern for later when desperate", "Hot, but with guy", "System update....data processed from eavesdropping their conversation about the Afternoon Show leading to 80% probability of guy being gay".

etc.

Mine is a bit more like Predator's. Predator can filter various spectrums of light till he finds the one most appropriate for catching his prey. My 'predator vision' seems to be stuck on whatever spectrum of light desperate fattys come under...

DarkJager

Yeah I have special vision too. I walk into the bar, disintegrate all the ugly bitches in there with my special laser beam eyes, then proceed to terminate all other males (apart from the barman). This leaves me with sore eyes, and a pub full of cracking women with no competition in sight.

John Mason

What a wonderful insight to the male mind. i think i will be staying at home in future with beers and a bag of grass too

Tom Dunne

irishbird wrote:

What a wonderful insight to the male mind. i think i will be staying at home in future with beers and a bag of grass too

Does that mean you are a number 6:

DarkJager wrote:

6: Myth: It is a very rare occasion that you would see one of these, especially in Ireland. Every sighting is like a religious experience, enough to make even the toughest man cry from the urges in his pants. Usually not found anywhere, as they are so hot they usually stay home having sex with themselves.

How you doin'?

John Mason

tom dunne wrote:

Does that mean you are a number 6:



How you doin'?

yeah, i am a number 6

DarkJager

OOOOOOHHHHH, we've got a live one here brothers!!! Welcome "mythical" woman....

Tom Dunne

Yes, welcome, welcome.

Do join Miss Fluff in the bar for a drink or two. On me.

I don't mean on me, I mean I will of course pay for them. But if you want to have the drinks on me, well I won't object.

Ahem.

DarkJager

Can I have a drink off her Tom? Do we allow that in the bar now?

Tom Dunne

DarkJager wrote:

Can I have a drink off her Tom?

No, I asked first.

DarkJager wrote:

Do we allow that in the bar now?

Do we allow that in the bar?? She's a 6 for crying out loud!!!! Or course we allow that in the bar.

I'll just make sure and keep Rambert away from her.

DarkJager

Since we seem to be the only ones on BGRH at the moment Tom, lets keep this amazing secret (that we have a 6 in our presence) to ourselves eh?

Tom Dunne

DarkJager wrote:

Since we seem to be the only ones on BGRH at the moment Tom, lets keep this amazing secret (that we have a 6 in our presence) to ourselves eh?

Ok, good idea.

Let me do the talking here, she might have some friends that are a 5.

John Mason

tom dunne wrote:

Ok, good idea.

Let me do the talking here, she might have some friends that are a 5.

LOL, all my friends are 6's

DarkJager

irishbird wrote:

LOL, all my friends are 6's

Pictures please IrishBird

DarkJager

*cough cough* Are you underestimating my talents at chatting up teh bitches....excuse me....wimmen, Tom?

Maybe we can allow 5's to join as well but anything below that gets kicked out of the bar. Think you will need a bouncer Tom (me).

tbh

I know your secret.


but my silence can be bought.

If I can't have a six, two three's will do me.

Tom Dunne

DarkJager wrote:

*cough cough* Are you underestimating my talents at chatting up teh bitches....excuse me....wimmen, Tom?

Not at all.

But it's like the Unicorn and the 27A bus - there simply can't be more than one of them.

DarkJager wrote:

Maybe we can allow 5's to join as well but anything below that gets kicked out of the bar. Think you will need a bouncer Tom (me).

Sounds good. But bare in mind we do need a healthy mix of all numbers, you know, for when it comes to the end of the night and the beer goggles are in situ.

Zaph

tbh wrote:

I know your secret.


but my silence can be bought.

If I can't have a six, two three's will do me.

A 4 and a 2 will do me if all the 6's are gone.

Robbo

Back on topic gents, or I'll be bringing out Smooth Jimmy Apollo's Lock of the Week.

Tom Dunne

Robbo wrote:

Back on topic gents, or I'll be bringing out Smooth Jimmy Apollo's Lock of the Week.

To the bar!

DarkJager

Yes back on topic, have any of the brothers had any burning questions they need advice on?

tbh

it burns when I pee - is that what you meant?