Going out last minute and the girlfriend

LegacyUser

hi,
last friday a lad on my was leaving work and heading off to Oz for the year. So he only decided last min to have a few drinks on the friday night. I felt bad that not many people were going so out of obligation i went along with a few others.

I rang the girlfreind to let her know at about 5, and she went mad at me because i never told her earlier as she could have made plans. i made my apologies and explained the situation but that reall didnt help, she was still annoyed.

I said how id feel bad if i didng go along etc, she kept saying "what about me im your girlfriend" anyway so i went along and she text me really smart things that night, and was being quite annoying. So when i went home i turned my phone off, I lost the head the following morning because she was still going on about we had a huge row and we havent spoke in a week

the question im asking is, in peoples opinion did i really do something that wrong? i dont make a habit of going out last minute.

Faith

Had you actually made plans with your girlfriend for that night? Not even specific ones, even something like "pop round and we'll watch TV or something"?

Miss Fluff

Phone her and say it was inpromptu thing, you felt bad for the guy and apologise that you hadn't given her more notice and offer to bring her out for dinner to make up for it. Didn't do anything hugely wrong imo but being a woman I know she may just have a bee in her bonnet about it, sounds like you caught her on a bad night. Apologise anyway.

jesus_thats_gre

Hmmm obviously it would have been ideal to be able to tell her earlier on in the day but considering you hadn't planned to, you were unable to do so. Also, considering the reason why, at the last minute, you decided to head out with your work mates, I would expect your girlfriend to be slightly more reaonable in her response.

For her to be slightly peeved first of all is fair enough as that is the immediate reponse but then for her to text you a few snide remarks from the rest of the night is a little too much and imo a bit of a joke. That sorta craic would annoy me and would have got a response out of me. Realistically, that is all she was looking for. you shouldn't have lost your head either.

What is the story with not havng spoke for a week over the matter though? What exactly did you do when you say you lost the head?

jesus_thats_gre

Miss Fluff wrote:

Phone her and say it was inpromptu thing, you felt bad for the guy and apologise that you hadn't given her more notice and offer to bring her out for dinner to make up for it. Didn't do anything hugely wrong imo but being a woman I know she may just have a bee in her bonnet about it, sounds like you caught her on a bad night. Apologise anyway.

So you are saying (going by what he has said of course) that he has done little wrong. You are also implying that she may have over reacted to the situation. And your conclusion is that he should apologise to her and also bring her out to dinner.

Surely that is sending out the totally wrong message to what seems like a bit of a drama queen?

leeroybrown

She just getting worked up about it and seems to have a nasty case of double standards. She said that 'she could have made plans' yet doing that and not telling you would be just as bad if not worse than what you did.

That said, she is your girlfriend so you need to apologise and try to work it out asap. Personally speaking, I wouldn't go out with someone who reacted like this with any degree of regularity.

It's not all your fault but you'll need to make an effort if you want to stay in the relationship.

jesus_thats_gre

leeroybrown wrote:

She just getting worked up about it and seems to have a nasty case of double standards. She said that 'she could have made plans' yet doing that and not telling you would be just as bad if not worse than what you did..

Excellent point, didn't pick up on this myself.

leeroybrown wrote:

That said, she is your girlfriend so you need to apologise and try to work it out asap. Personally speaking, I wouldn't go out with someone who reacted like this with any degree of regularity.

Was thinking along the same lines myself. If I was planning to stay with her, would certainly be trying my very best to work this out off her with her.

Miss Fluff

jesus_thats_gre wrote:

So you are saying (going by what he has said of course) that he has done little wrong. You are also implying that she may have over reacted to the situation. And your conclusion is that he should apologise to her and also bring her out to dinner.

Surely that is sending out the totally wrong message to what seems like a bit of a drama queen?

Yes, seems like a complete drama queen. I suggested dinner because if they don't make it up, next thing you know a couple of months wil have elapsed and they won't have spoken. These petty type of arguments can completely spiral out of control. Depends how he feels about his girlfriend to be honest. Just sometimes,;) I'm an advocate of the "easy life".

LegacyUser

no we had no plans, id understand if she was annoyed because we had. we havent talked in a week because it just got out of hand, she just couldnt get over it and kept saying stupid snide remarks. She really wrecked my head, i was saying to her to chill, it was no big deal!

jesus_thats_gre

Am a fan of the easy life myself and will often apologise just to smooth something over when it is of little or not consequence to me.. Drama queen behaviour can be anyone worst nightmare and I would be doing everything possible to discourage it. Certainly wouldn't be giving her her own way afterwards anyway. Well, unless she was deadly

LegacyUser

jesus_thats_gre wrote:

Am a fan of the easy life myself and will often apologise just to smooth something over when it is of little or not consequence to me.. Drama queen behaviour can be anyone worst nightmare and I would be doing everything possible to discourage it. Certainly wouldn't be giving her her own way afterwards anyway. Well, unless she was deadly

i am sick and tired of apologising to her just to keep the peace, i suppose this time i made a stand, we are going out 2 years. looking back she can get annoyed very easily. i suppose i was thinking i have to stop giving in and i became stubborn and wouldnt accept her arguing

Faith

isitmyfault? wrote:

no we had no plans, id understand if she was annoyed because we had. we havent talked in a week because it just got out of hand, she just couldnt get over it and kept saying stupid snide remarks. She really wrecked my head, i was saying to her to chill, it was no big deal!

If you had no plans, then I fail to see how you've done anything wrong.

WindSock

Maybe she lost it because you didn't ask her to come along? Tell her next time you talk you were trying to do the right thing and her text messages were very hurtful, then start crying or something for effect. Play the drama thing too

Gyalist

Do not explain or apologize. You've already explained the situation to her. If you feel the need to apologize do so only for losing your temper the next morning. Do not apologize for going out with someone else at short notice.

The Corinthian

Faith wrote:

If you had no plans, then I fail to see how you've done anything wrong.

The only other reason I can think of that might have annoyed her is that your changing plans at the last minute is a regular occurrence. I can see how that would get to her over time.

If this is not the case, then frankly she's a bit of a control freak by the sound of things and if she cannot snap out of it, you're probably better off without her.

kraggy

isitmyfault? wrote:

i am sick and tired of apologising to her just to keep the peace, i suppose this time i made a stand, we are going out 2 years.

Which is exactly why this has got out of hand now. she's used to getting her way and you having to crawl over the last 2 years by the sounds of it. which in turn is probably a sign of how much you like/love her.

i would advise against go back on your stand now. dig the heels in on this one otherwise if you do stay going out with her it'll be her way or the highway for the rest of your life.

Beruthiel

OP
I'm guessing that unless stating otherwise in advance, ye mostly spent friday night together?
If she left it free to see you then I can understand her being a bit miffed. The way to have gotten around that was to ask her along for the few drinks with your work mate. She may not have been interested in that, but you offered her something to do so you'd have been covered
If she was still going on about it a week later, then she needs to be told to get over it and move on.

kraggy

He shouldn't have to invite her to the pub every time he goes surely?

It was only 5 o clock when he rang her to tell her he was going to the pub.

it wasn't like 9pm and they were supposed to be going out together at 9.30.

metrovelvet

Maybe you should try to find out why it hurt her feelings.

Also, it seems like you have hit a stalemate and are both in a position where neither of you can try to resolve this without losing face.

You can get stuck on whos right and whose wrong or you can get somewhere.

IMO I think you're both wrong and both right.

Mary-Ellen

maybe instead of all out groveling you should just have a think about what you're actually sorry for and just apologise for that.:rolleyes:

Like you seem to be sorry for letting her know so late, making the first move and apologising for that should be enough but I'd make it pretty clear that her behavior was unacceptable for you.

PS. I'm only saying to make the first move because not speaking for a week is a bit much and there won't be any winners or losers in ignoring eachother for ever

axer

Definitely a drama queen. That would wreck my head.

If you appologise to her now you might as well get used to appologising to her whenever shes unreasonable for the rest of your life.

There is no point in not communicating. Keep communicating with her - you do not need to appologise in order to keep communications going. Ask her how she feels about the situation; ask her what she thinks you should have done; ask her what she would have done in your situation; Listen to her and try and stay calm.

The Corinthian

Mary-Ellen wrote:

I'm only saying to make the first move because not speaking for a week is a bit much and there won't be any winners or losers in ignoring eachother for ever

If she is the drama queen that some are suggesting, then I think he would certainly be the winner if he never speaks to her again.

Rb

The Corinthian wrote:

If she is the drama queen that some are suggesting, then I think he would certainly be the winner if he never speaks to her again.

Agreed.

OP: Don't talk to her, if she doesn't apologise for her behaviour then dump her.

fasterkitten

she's CRAZY! you'd do yourself a favour if you told her that and never saw her again!!

Carrigart Exile

isitmyfault? wrote:

hi,
last friday a lad on my was leaving work and heading off to Oz for the year. So he only decided last min to have a few drinks on the friday night. I felt bad that not many people were going so out of obligation i went along with a few others.

I rang the girlfreind to let her know at about 5, and she went mad at me because i never told her earlier as she could have made plans. i made my apologies and explained the situation but that reall didnt help, she was still annoyed.

I said how id feel bad if i didng go along etc, she kept saying "what about me im your girlfriend" anyway so i went along and she text me really smart things that night, and was being quite annoying. So when i went home i turned my phone off, I lost the head the following morning because she was still going on about we had a huge row and we havent spoke in a week

the question im asking is, in peoples opinion did i really do something that wrong? i dont make a habit of going out last minute.

I cannot help thinking had it been the other way round you would now be getting accused of trying to control her. I think one apology with an explanation is enough, if she continues to play the martyr then i would look at getting out of that relationship

LegacyUser

I think she was looking forward to spending the night with you even though there were no definite plans and it upset her that she didn't get to spend that time with you (she must really love spending time with you if it'd get her that upset). Obviously she has over-reacted but she probably thought you'd rather spend the time you could've been spending with her with some people you aren't that close to, her argument is probably along the lines of 'priorities' and feels you chose them over her. If you do want to speak to her again and are planning to make the first contact I'd advise you tell her something like 'You know I'd rather have been cuddled up with you that night but just felt bad for yer man because not many people were going but I did tell you in advance, sorry if I've upset you.'

tinkerbell

She definitely overreacted tbh. You couldn't possibly have given her any more notice! And unless you had actually made plans, then she's got nothing to whinge about.

Catari Jaguar

Thats so annoying. She's not your wife. Just a girl. You are not one person. You have no obligation to run anything by her. What a control freak drama queen. Seems her life revolves around you. When couples get to that stage it's unhealthy. She's walking all over you. Stand up to her. She needs a life of her own. Sillly cow.

BobTheBeat

'The high road and the wattle' tbh. Completely unaccepatable juvenile behaviour, further aggravated by the cold shoulder. Fair play for making a stand, this type of thing needs to be quashed double quick.

Get some dialogue going; leaving things to fester is not the best of ideas, as it often allows people to blow things out of proportion. You dont have to apologise, but just have it out once and for all. If it precipitates an even worse situtation, then you will at least be aware of more serious problems between you both... Thats what it sounds like is happening at the moment

Steyr

I dont think you need to apologise for anything you have done nothing wrong no plans were made or anything, this is just another case of OTT, let her come back to you, dont be apologising you did nothing wrong, stand up for yourself.

Seraphina

well from personal experience, i've probably 'overreacted' like that a few times with my ex, except the difference was he used to tell me this at 10pm or something, and leave me stuck at home alone on a friday night or whatever. it happened too often for my liking, and it really really bothered me, so often i got really pissed off at something that seemed silly, and my ex thought i didn't want him to see his friends or whatever, when really i just wanted him to give me more notice so i could make plans of my own.
if its something that has happened a couple of times previously, i can understand why she'd be annoyed, but if it was just a once off, then yeah she is being a bit silly, 5pm is pretty damn early, she'd have loads of time to do something else.
unless perhaps she had something special planned for the two of yis? i dunno. only thing that'll help you figure it out is talking to her.

Sleepy

Talk to her. Find out has she a decent reason for throwing a tantrum worthy of a two hyear old. If she has one, let her apologise for the over-reaction and get an assurance it won't happen again. If she hasn't, kick her to the kerb.

metrovelvet

You should find out what is at the heart of this power struggle whether you decide to bail on your two year relationship or you decide to stick around.

Otherwise you will have the same problem over and over again no matter how many times you replace your girlfriend because you wont know how to resolve disputes and every relationship you have will go through the power struggle phase , which is usually when people bail, unless they are married and they cant by law do so so easily.

You said you are sick of saying sorry over and over again. Anyone would be. Can I ask were your apologies genuine? Did you make the effort to get to the bottom of things or did you just say sorry to keep the game going?

Saying you felt bad if you didnt go just looks like a cop out. Why didnt you just say you wanted to go because you felt peer pressure to do so and didnt feel like inviting her and explain why you didnt feel like inviting her.

If after two years, its customary for you to both go out on friday nights and you suddenly break this precedent, then its bound to ring alarm bells in her. Perhaps all she needed was a little reassurance? And of course turning your phone off fed right into her abandonment fears.

OLDYELLAR

She was probably just disapointed that ye didnt get to spend the night together. Do ye spend a lot of time together during the week?? If not she was probably mad to see ya all day and then got thick when ya cancelled and naturally so but being pig headed and Ive done this myself on occasion went nutz angry instead of admitting she wanted to spend time with ya.

But the fact that shes still on about it a week later is a bit mad , I guess you could have invited her but I wouldnt say thats the problem.................I dunno maybe she was waiting for a big apology from you ....even though in my opinion that wasnt necessary . The fact that ye havent spoken in a week is a bad thing.I really think she should be the one apologising but its up to yerself ..............Im guessing shes still waiting on one off you so if ya want to be with her I guess ya could make some half baked attempt at one and then ask her whats up with her. There could a been something else going on and it got taken out on you ya really wouldnt know until you speak to her .

LegacyUser

I don't think U did anything wrong to go out and say 'goodbye' to your ex-work colleague - even at very short notice.

Neither did U do anything wrong by not letting yourself get 'pussy whipped'
by the g/f.

Call it 'a liitle test' for the future :
If she's not happy and being unreasonable - U should give her 'her cards'.
Afterall, being married to that would be a bloody nightmare !

vorbis

Don't apologise any more man! Wait it out. The onus is on her to call you. in actual fact enjoy the free time you have from her at the moment

I mean look at the facts. You tell her at 5 PM on a Friday. 5PM?! A lot of Fridays I haven't a clue what I'm up to on a Friday at that time. The mature response from her would have been to maybe get a little upset AND then ring her friends to see what they were up to. Plenty of time left for that. Then see you the following day. Bingo no problem!

What does she do? She lights off you and keeps it up for the whole night and the following day! Thats nuts behaviour. You're not her servant! You need to ask yourself if in general you're happy with this relationship. If you are, you then need to stand your ground a lot more.

A trick I use is that I don't really apologise for small stuff like this. If she keeps getting upset about it, I keep restating my view but just use different words for the same meaning. It allows her to vent and eventually she calms down. If she doesn't calm down, you've got a problem!

padser

vorbis wrote:

A trick I use is that I don't really apologise for small stuff like this. If she keeps getting upset about it, I keep restating my view but just use different words for the same meaning. It allows her to vent and eventually she calms down. !

Classic approach,

Another favorite of mine is after a good while (while she is really just looking for a graceful way out) is to apolgise for something that you had no control over and say you are sorry that it happened.

In this case it would be 'I'm sorry that I didn't know until 5pm that I was pretty much going to have go out'.

That way its completely obvious that you are not apologising for the substance of what happened - as you had no control over not knowing - but it gives her the pretext to climb down off her high horse because you have 'apologised'. :rolleyes:

Duras

isitmyfault? wrote:

...
the question im asking is, in peoples opinion did i really do something that wrong? i dont make a habit of going out last minute.

to answer your question:
NO. Not your fault, nothing to be apologize for and be sorry about

Bottle_of_Smoke

Most women don't use logic at all in these situations.

Sure you were being resonable - you told her you were going out at a reasonable time & there was no plans originally made.

Male line of thought : "Fair enough - he told me early enough, find something else to do"

Female thought: "I wanted to spend time with him. Now I can't. If he didn't make plans I would be able to spend time with him. It's all his fault & he's a bastard, I'm getting revenge, I'll start by sending bitchy texts."

Seeing as you're going out two years it's a bit odd she hasn't calmed down. Any chance she's annoyed about something else?

Gazza22

It wasn't your fault and women do tend to over react like this sometimes.

You have friendships to take into account just as much as you have a relationship to think about, and she should realise this. I have heard the "what if i had plans made" many times before and it never ceases to annoy me! I'd understand it if she actually did have some plans firmly made.

Just talk to her, be nice, but be firm in the fact that she has to understand there is friends in your life too. I know the guy in question wasn't exactly a best mate but still, if you don't talk to her she will do the same thing with situations concerning closer people in the future.

isitmyfault? wrote:

i dont make a habit of going out last minute.

I'm sure she knows this then too, so i think she could have given you a bit of a break on this one.

AnonoBoy

I wouldn't stand for that. Tell her firmly that it was unfortunate, however you weren't going to see the guy for a year and it couldn't be helped. You didn't have major plans (or any plans by the sound of it?) so if she's still going on about it then she needs to mature a bit and learn that, while being slightly annoyed is acceptable, harping on about it for a week is not.

Of course at this stage it's probably the fight she's sore about rather than the whole going out Friday night thing.

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

Most women don't use logic at all in these situations.

most? christ. either you have a poor grasp on the typical female psyche or you date bitches.

the truth is she sounds like a diva but we dont know both sides.

ask her to meet you and tell her your sorry for losing your temper but since you had no plans with her for that night you did not have to check in for permission.
also say if she cant see it from your point of view you cant see being with a woman that would treat a grown man like this

LegacyUser

i reckon it's a cover up for something else...probably just picking an arguement with you.

Kell

isitmyfault? wrote:

i am sick and tired of apologising to her just to keep the peace, i suppose this time i made a stand,

Thats the important bit. You need to draw some definitive lines, however she will clumsily step over them all the time until she gets used to it. If she ever does. I'm with TC on everything else.

Really does sound like you are better off without her.

K-

Crea

isitmyfault? wrote:

i am sick and tired of apologising to her just to keep the peace, i suppose this time i made a stand, we are going out 2 years. looking back she can get annoyed very easily. i suppose i was thinking i have to stop giving in and i became stubborn and wouldnt accept her arguing

I have a 2 year old that does this. She doesn't get her own way and throws a tantrum. She gets put in the bold chair but i'm guessing this won't work with your girlfriend
Your GF is being unreasonable and is used to getting special treatment when she throws a strop. 5 o'clock isn't a really too late to tell her about your plans. She had plenty of time to call her mates and arrange something. I've organised parties in less time.
Fine if you want to make a stand, your relationship will be miserable for you if you don't but do realise that this radical change might end your relationship in the long run. Do not even think about marrying this girl if she continues to be like this.