Help!! How to discipline 6 yr old?

Trinity

Hi Guys

I am at my wits end with my son. He is 6 and totally off the wall.

While he has a few 'issues' which we are waiting to address (by means of an appointment with mater child guidance) - i know a LOT of it is down to bad parenting.

Now in my defence i am crazy about my son. Hes been my world since the day he was born. Hes with me all the time and we have a strangely close relationship. So i dont mean in a neglectful way.

The problem is i dont know how to discipline him. I'm a big softy and always haven been. When he does something outrageous i just stand there and literally dont know what to do. I attended 2 parenting courses when he was younger but now hes older those tips and tricks dont work.

His language is foul, he is aggressive and downright stubborn. He hits me and threatens to hit everyone. He feels he is not good as the other kids in school yet he is highly intelligent. This problem has poured into school now and the school have been great.

I know we will be getting help in the form of child guidance soon but could you please tell me how you get your kids to be good? I see some lovely mannerly children out there and i have no idea what the parents do to get this respect? The kids dont seem 'afraid' of their parents so i am sure its not because the parents kill them!!.

I thought by loving them and giving them what they want they would love you back and it would show in how they treat you. Not saying he doesnt love me but (and i know its sounds crazy) he treats me like dirt!

When he starts his crap that episode of the simpsons always springs to mind when Bart stole a video game and a passer by says i blame the parents and her son shouts shut up mom!! and mom says/does nothing.

I even have to ask the security guards in the shopping centre to help me escort him out of the shop sometimes and he tells them to fcuk off!! I bet anyone on this board that goes to OMNI will know me to see with my son, hes infamous. Its such a pity cos he really is a beautiful boy and when hes being good he is a joy to be around and has a great sense of humour.

My son doesnt seem to be afraid of anyone or anything so i'm at a loss as to how to discipline him. i dotn want to constantly be giving out to him, ordering him around, life is too short for that. I feel like everyone is constantly on his case and i am sure he feels the same. Hes always in trouble even when he does nothing and i feel so sad/angry inside sometimes when people including family are giving out to him or about him.

But i am sick listening to comments like wait til hes 16, he will kill you and end up in jail etc. Its probably true but hes still my baby

dame

My daughter's only three so I'm at the stage you were at when you did the parenting classes probably but have you ever seen Supernanny? She uses a naughty step/corner/beanbag etc. We use a version of it with our three year old. Any tantrums, pulling the cat's tail, hitting anyone etc she gets put standing in the hallway. She's brought back in a couple of mins later but if she starts screaming again/ hurts someone again then she gets sent back out. It used to take a good few stints outside the kitchen door but now just the threat of it is (usually) enough to make her think twice.

It can work when we're out shopping or somewhere too. The threat of "Do you want to sit in the car on your own while we have a nice visit" is quite scary enough to stop most bad behaviour with her (though obviuously we never leave her in a car on her own and have once or twice brought her home instead).

I know your son is older and has a much more developed mind of his own at six, but maybe you could try it? Only other suggestion I can think of would be to confiscate favourite toys/ban tv.

Oh, and be consistent!

Nevyn

Have you looked at doing a parenting course geared for his age group ?

At this age they think thy are nearly adults tbh, they can dress themselves
think for themselves and are not as reliant on you.

I would suggest that you start looking at what his privlages are and make sure he knows they are privleges and start removing them from him.

You have to make a list of rules and a clear cut way of punishing for breaking them and stick to it. It is very hard but you have to get it done.
Make the punishements consistant and slight different for each offense and automatic.
If he swears or breaks one of the rule that is his choice and he brought the consquence on himself.

Mine two have a list like that and the punishments range from grounding,
the revoking of tv/pc/xbox privlages or certain toys,
chores are not standard ie not the lies of tiding thier rooms but the likes of having to wash down the doors in the house,
and in some cases punishment lines.

They also get rewards for helping around the house and for weeks when they have not had any rules broken.

They are not angels and there are weeks I think freaking hell what am I rearing and what on earth am I doing wrong but eventually they settle.
Once kids start to reach the age of 7 then it becomes a battle of wits and wills as they start thinking for themsevles and while we have to curb them and get them to listen to us, we can't crush them either.

Being a parent is hard, but you have to love him enough to be tough and stern with him for his own sake.

Kernel32

Rather than launch in with building an arsenal of punishments I would first look at dietary changes. My guess is if you have been a pushover all these years then he probably gets to eat anything he wants. He probably gets too much sugar, processed food, additives, preservatives etc.

Remove all of that and have him eat food that is as natural and unprocessed as possible. It will be tough to do because he will basically have to detox. He will not be happy with it initially because you will be denying him what he once and he will also have a physical reaction to not getting the food he has become used to. Once he has gone several weeks on his new diet then have a look at his behavior. At this point it will have changed and that's the behaviour you need to work on modifying.

Nevyn

I doubt that trinty1 is a push over and it is unfair for you to say so.

Children change and grow and nearing 7 it is normal for the power struggle to start between parent and child; but not everyone is aware or prepared for it.
IT can be quiet a change in the child's way of behaving and the dynamic of the relationship between parent and child.

The child is exerting his will over his behaviour the same way as a child that has learned to take of it's clothes and will do so to exercise that control.

You have to encourage him to make the right choices will letting him feel that they are his choices and rewarding and punishing as needs be.

Trinity

He doesnt get much in the way of sweets etc and he is not allowed fizzy drinks. I will try your suggestion but i strongly believe there are other underlying behavioural problems.

We are currently assessing him for dyspraxia. i am lucky enough to work with child psychologists (educational) and have access a lot of information.

I chose not to test him for ADHD. My reasons probably wont make sense but i am unwilling to put him on medication so i dont see the point in labelling him for the rest of his life. I doubt he has it anyway.

It is definately a battle of wills. It was just at home but now he is even 'putting it up' to the teachers. Only last week he did it and tbh i shook going into work. He stared the teacher (a 6ft stocky male!) without blinking, he had his hands clenched into fists and his mouth was twisted and he was shouting through clenched teeth. This was because he didnt want to go up to his classroom. It wasnt normal, i couldnt believe it.

He wont dress himself or wipe his own bottom. I still do everything for him like when he was an infant. He wants to sleep with me too and even when i get into the bath hes climbing in after me so i have to get out. "Mam get me a drink, mam wipe my bum, mam bring me to the toilet". Its 24/7. He wont sleep til midnight and then i have to dress him while he is still asleep for school. We are late every other day.

He has more toys than i care to mention. XBOX, PS2, Gameboy, Nintendo etc and all his games get lost or broken cos he expects mam will just replace them. He expects new things most everyday.

I am constantly feeling guilty because i know i am fcking him up yet i think to myself well life is so so short we dont know whats round the corner - why shouldnt i buy the game if it will make him happy!!

i know thats the wrong attitude but i just love to see him happy. His Dad - no i wont even go there but lets just say i am trying to make up for his lack of interest.

Dame thanks for the suggestions. Hes a huge boy for his age and there is no way he will stand in a corner, hes very strong for his age so that wont work.

your right though i am not consistant, full of empty threats i never follow through. But taking away his priveleges are possibly the only thing that will work - once i stick to it.

I'm looking into parenting courses at the moment for his age group.

Please say a prayer i can get him sorted or tbh i can see his teen/adult years being a tragedy

Trinity

Thanks for all the advice i really have to do something now!

Thae can i ask - say for eg if your child broke a rule and the punishment was say wash down the doors and they refused - what would you do?

Its just that my son is very physical and making him do something is very difficult. If i tell him to stay in his room he keeps coming out. If i i say no TV -he just keeps turning it on. I dont exagerrate when i say he is very strong - i cannot lift him or anything. I just wonder whats parents do if a child reacts physically - how do you make them do something?

Thats sounds so stupid i know!!

Trinity1

Trinity1 wrote:

If i i say no TV -he just keeps turning it on.

How many times do you try turning it off again before giving up?

He has more toys than i care to mention. XBOX, PS2, Gameboy, Nintendo etc and all his games get lost or broken cos he expects mam will just replace them. He expects new things most everyday.

Stop replacing them!
If you are trying to make up for a father's lack of interest, buying your child more toys and spoiling him is not going to make up for it, honestly.

Just an opinion of course, I have no personal experience with children, but I'll stick by the last statement anyway

Nevyn

Trinity1 wrote:

He doesnt get much in the way of sweets etc and he is not allowed fizzy drinks. I will try your suggestion but i strongly believe there are other underlying behavioural problems.

We are currently assessing him for dyspraxia. i am lucky enough to work with child psychologists (educational) and have access a lot of information.

I chose not to test him for ADHD. My reasons probably wont make sense but i am unwilling to put him on medication so i dont see the point in labelling him for the rest of his life. I doubt he has it anyway.

OK there may be more issue then that is consiered to be the average norm but that does not mean you can let him away with certain behaviours.

Trinity1 wrote:

It is definately a battle of wills. It was just at home but now he is even 'putting it up' to the teachers. Only last week he did it and tbh i shook going into work. He stared the teacher (a 6ft stocky male!) without blinking, he had his hands clenched into fists and his mouth was twisted and he was shouting through clenched teeth. This was because he didnt want to go up to his classroom. It wasnt normal, i couldnt believe it.

I would, esp if he does not have any adult males in his life who have authority over him. Children learn to respect other people and adult by being made to respect thier parents and what is and is not accpetible behaviour.
IF he is behaving like this with you and you do not correct him then he will think it is ok to behave like this to other adults who try to tell him what to do.

Trinity1 wrote:

He wont dress himself or wipe his own bottom. I still do everything for him like when he was an infant. Mam get me a drink, mam wipe my bum, mam bring me to the toilet.

You need to stop this. You need to stop it and force him to so it himself.
Endure the tantrums and emotional blackmail and do not give in.

Trinity1 wrote:

He has more toys than i care to mention. XBOX, PS2, Gameboy, Nintendo etc and all his games get lost or broken cos he expects mam will just replace them. He expects new things most everyday.

I would get a large box and put them all away until he earns them back with good behaviour.

Trinity1 wrote:

I am constantly feeling guilty because i know i am fcking him up yet i think to myself well life is so so short we dont know whats round the corner - why shouldnt i buy the game if it will make him happy!!

Honey it is time to bring out the tough love, you have to think of the future.
He is a child who has learned that happiness is bought and is fleeting.
Real happiness should be fun and giggles and feeling good about himself when he has done the right thing and the both of you are proud of him.

Trinity1 wrote:

i know thats the wrong attitude but i just love to see him happy. His Dad - no i wont even go there but lets just say i am trying to make up for his lack of interest.

I know it is hard doing it by yourself and being the big bad bitch to your child is hard esp as mother's are ment to be the one who comforts and consoles a crying child but you can be both and you have to be for his sake.
You own him, you are legally responsible for him you are in charge of his life and the vast majority of decisions that effect his world.

Trinity1 wrote:

Hes a huge boy for his age and there is no way he will stand in a corner, hes very strong for his age so that wont work.

your right though i am not consistant, full of empty threats i never follow through. But taking away his priveleges are possibly the only thing that will work - once i stick to it.

It sounds like you know what you need to do but are finding it difficult,
do you have anyone that can help and support you in this ?
Sometimes another adult taking a child to task and telling him his behaviour is not on and that they are not allowed to disrespect thier parent can have a good effect.

I have had some simular struggles with mine and asked my Mam to have a word and she did and explain that such behaviour was not on that as she is my Mother and loves me she won't put up with anyone abusing me even verbally even her own grandchildren.

Have you tought about getting some couselling for yourself to help you cope with the emotional rollercoaster this is for you ?

I'm looking into parenting courses at the moment for his age group.

Please say a prayer i can get him sorted or tbh i can see his teen/adult years being a tragedy [/QUOTE]

Nevyn

Trinity1 wrote:

Thanks for all the advice i really have to do something now!

Thae can i ask - say for eg if your child broke a rule and the punishment was say wash down the doors and they refused - what would you do?

They would get sent to thier room to stay there, even if it ment me sitting outside thier door reading a book to enforce it. They get given the choice of spending the rest of the day in thier room or spending an hour of washing the doors down and then being allowed to go out to play or what ever.

Trinity1 wrote:

Its just that my son is very physical and making him do something is very difficult. If i tell him to stay in his room he keeps coming out.

Stand and hold the door if needs be, but do check that he is safe in the room.

Trinity1 wrote:

If i i say no TV -he just keeps turning it on.

Do you know how to rewire a plug ? For if mine did that I would cut the plug off. I love my kids but they have learned not to push me or to up the ante as I am the grown up and in charge.

Trinity1 wrote:

I dont exagerrate when i say he is very strong - i cannot lift him or anything. I just wonder whats parents do if a child reacts physically - how do you make them do something?

It sounds like he is lashing out at you phyically as well
When one of mine was acting out once I did enforce them standing in the corner.

It may seem llike when you start takeing a hard line with him that you are
tearing his world apart but if he thinks he can behave like that maybe you need to.

Have you tried the silent treatment with him ?

Trinity

Thanks again really appreciate the replies so i will be completely honest in my answers.

My GP sent me to a psychiatrist for anxiety/panic attacks. I was constantly nauseous, in pain, bloated stomach, tired, and they said i was stressed. I Have suffered for 16 years on and off but lately they are desperate. Anyway when i gave them family background they thought the first step in my treatment was getting my son seen to!! I was taken aback but have to admit i am of course stressed up to the hilt, particularly now that school is involved. Hence the child guidance clinic. But i told them i have always been anxious so i wont have anyway say its my sons fault!

I am in a relationship, the bf is good with him but things are going down hill lately. At first my son listened to him but now he is treating him with as much disrespect as he is me, this is causing a few problems. But this is the first time in my life i have ever had any support with my son (as in a partner). Its as much a change for me having someone take over the role of Dad and my bf is younger than me with no siblings of his own so no experience with kids at all but hes trying so hard!!

I'm actually pregnant now, 5 weeks only! And i think things are coming to a head cos i know i will never manage 2 kids while my son is controlling the roost. Even with my partner by my side.

I know what your all saying is right i just find it hard to put anything into practice. i give parents advice all day in work but its different when its your own!

Bluewolf - i give up/in too easily!! I suppose to an extent i am a bit ADD myself and never finish what i start. but this is too important for his future. I really do want whats best for him. I dont want to be the bitch, but i do want the respect i deserve. In other ways i think i am a good mum. But if supernanny came to my house i'd be strung up!

Trinity

Sorry these are so long i just saw your other reply now!

Yes he does lash out at me. He punches me, sometimes in the face. Last week he punched me in the nose for laughing at him.

A couple of days later he threatened to punch me in the belly (he knows i am pregnant:(

I have tried the silent treatment but not for long. i will explain that he has made me very sad and that although i love him, i am very sad about the way he behaved. Then we will both cry and he will say he wont do it again. But that only lasts a couple of hours. I even feel guilty writing this cos i am making him sound so bad - he is a lovely boy a lot of the time and absolutely beautiful, eyes to die for!

i honestly cant stay mad at him for long though. Phew i have my work cut out for me dont i. Yes i should try harder though, like camping outside his room to keep him inside. i just give up after a while though.

Raiser

Thaedydal wrote:

I doubt that trinty1 is a push over and it is unfair for you to say so.

Trinity1 wrote:

I'm a big softy and always haven been. When he does something outrageous i just stand there and literally dont know what to do.

- Now be fair Thaedydal.......


I would suggest for the sake of both your own and you sons mental well-being, quality of life and sanity that you don't make good on 6 years of what you have described as lenient parenting by getting up tomorrow and locking all his toys in the attic and laying down every law/trying to fix every problem at once before Sundown on the OK Coral.

I personally reckon you need to plan a lot of little battles, one for each undesirable trait/habit - prioritise them in accordance with the degree of negative impact it carries and then try and win them all over a reasonable timeframe using not just a firm [measured] authority but also your wits and carefull planning backed up by an appropriate reward system.

- Also he is 6 and you're a big person on da Interweb - turn off the telly and make sure it stays off - and make sure that all of your newfound authority is accompanied by patient explanations of what when and why so that it doesn't seem like you're suddenly doing stuff to peeve him and spoil all of his 6 year old fun.....

Trinity1 wrote:

i am crazy about my son. Hes been my world since the day he was born. Hes with me all the time and we have a strangely close relationship.

It would be unwise and possibly unfair to assume/presume too much here Trinity1.......but are you sure that you're not being this guys best friend to a large degree lots of the time and his parent here and there, when you kinda have to? I'd get pissed if my friends told me when to go to bed, turned off the telly and gave me various other commands - but my Mum can still order me around even though shes little now and I'm a big bad 31 and a half year old You have a responsibility to ruin all the fun sometimes, call a halt at a sensible time, pull the plug - and to just plain be the Baddie occasionally........

Nevyn

I disagree with your gp if you have a panic attck and your son know how to push your buttons to make you have one you are not going to be able to cope with him.

You need help so that you can keep calm and deal wiht the tough parenting
your son currently needs, you hopefully will not have to be that tough with him for long.

You are right about getting this sorted before you get heavily pregant and before the new baby arrives but you have at least 5 months to get a parenting plan in place.

I don't think that he is a bad kid and I don't doubt that he loves you and can be wonderful but the issues you are having are when he acts out and lets face it all children act out at various stages over various things.

I don't think that you are a bad person or a bad mother but someone under a lot of stress and feel like they can't cope and that things are spinning out of control.

Get what ever help You need so that you can be there for your son.

It will be tough going but it would be worse to be trying to do this with a new born in the house and when you are worn ragged from not getting enough sleep.

It is great to hear that you have support from your new partner and a parenting course and a clear plan will help you both.

Trinity

Thank you all very much. Its great just to get it all out in the open, even if it is on the web!

Yep i am his friend, his nurse, his bank machine, his fixer of toys, his maid, his protector, i am a lot of things but i guess very rarely his mother.

Its time for me to grow up now!!

foxy06

I have a 5 year old angel and a 3 year old devil and although my devil is alot younger than your 6 year old I think my method may work. Do you have a spare room or a room with not much in it that can be broken? I give my son a warning and then if he still does not do what i ask I say "you have three seconds to....." If he still doesn't do it I bring him to the spare room sometimes kicking and screaming and I have to drag him but I put him in there and close the door and hold it so he cannot get out. He kicks it screams shouts and eventually when he is worn out he calms down and I open the door. I tell him to apologise and then do what I asked him to do in the first place. If he doesn't he's back in there.

This went on fo about a week and it was hell but in the end he came round and is now fairly well behaved. As for when you are in public I would tell him he wont get a treat (Story or whatever he is interested in) if he keeps it up and if he does drag him out of the supermarket or wherever and bring him home. This is obviously not always suitable but if it's possible keep consistent.

The fact that you are pregnant is even more of a reason to sort your son out because his behaviour is going to get worse when he has competition for your attention.

I know i'm going to get jumped on for saying this but if your child is hitting you I would personally hit him back. Some may argue that violence breeds violence but your son needs to learn respect for you and a slap on the arse and sent to his room is not going to traumatise him for life, in fact it may be the cold hard shock of reality he needs. If he boxes someone in the playground he will no doubt get thumped back.

Trinity I really do wish you the best because I can tell you love being a mother so much and I feel the same way myself but get tough on him and yourself. It will only get easier.

edanto

Trinity1, fair play to you for looking for the right kind of help. I wouldn't really be sure what to suggest, but it strikes me that he has everything he could ever want even though he's not really been all that well behaved.

I think you need to be firmer with him (but explain why your behaviour is changing) and refuse to buy/fix/get things that he wants unless he starts behaving more responsibly.

Reward good behaviour with small treats (visiting relatives that he likes/making something art&crafty together).... I'm out of my depth here and you'll get much better advice from the experts.

Is he active outside of school, does he like any sport or anything musical? Careful though, if you're over enthusiastic about doing it he might not do it just to pi$$ you off!! Good luck & I hope you can get the support you deserve from your fella.

Trinity

He hasnt given me any hassle all day. We've just been up playing the playstation together. Its amazing how he changes suddenly.

Foxy thanks and no i dont think anyone should jump on you for saying hit him back - even my mother, sister etc say give him a good smack on the arse. i did once or twice and personally for us it just doesnt work so i dont bother and i just end up crying after while he laughs and says it doesnt hurt.

I do shout sometimes and as a result is he is always shouting so i cant blame him, thats learned behaviour.

thanks for the advice guys its much appreciated. It makes a change from just being criticised and being called a bad mother. i dont mind people pointing out my mistakes though

Dreamer 7

Hey OP
I have a 5 yr old and a 4yr old, they fight all the time as kids do but i found a few things that can work.

I got a sheet of paper and drew out a chart for good behaviour/ healthy eating. A goldstar is awarded for a good day and the reward at the end is a trip to the cinema or fun factory after say 15 stars are obtained.

Also I was in Dunnes last week and in the book section has work books for like spelling and match the rhyming words etc. The come with stars also so the child can be rewarded. There were €2.99 and well worth it.

I find my two play up when they are bored or looking for my attention, reading stories, getting out the crayons and colouring books or even making cakes passes hours like you wouldnt believe.

The odd time my 5 yr old will try to hit me in temper but I catch his hand and give it a little sqeeze and explain exactly what I will do if he puts his hands on me (I'll slap the legs off u etc)

Its good that you spent time together the other night but sitting in front of a computer game isn't the best way to spend it.
I do use the naughty step from time to time but i find stripping them of a gold star that they worked hard to get works better.

Best of luck, try not to loose ur temper (impossible sometimes i know!!) and when you are explaining that the made you sad/ mad or disappointed get down to his level and make him look you in the eye. Speak to him calmly and explain you are trying to treat him as a grown up but if he insists on acting like a baby well thats the way he will be treated;)

cmurph

hi trinity,
my dd is 6 now and sometimes she does act up....stomping her foot ,clenching teeth, and shouting ....now its hard to stay calm on the outside anyway ,but its worth it....now how i punish her is ,she loves to go to the cinema or out in the woods for a walk...whatever it may be, so i say thats it ..no cinema this sunday as punishment.....
make sure you tell him, right your not going to whatever cause you are behaving so bold today....and stick to it....tell him if he is good during the week you will go next week, it may take 3 or 4 weeks of not going to realise that you are serious ,it will sink in...
i know you say you don't want him assessed for adhd ,thats your descision but if you are consistent in your punishment it will work ,regardless of wether he is adhd or not..

set a rule too i think to shut tv off at say 7pm....then his mind will slow down too, dim the lights if you can or just use lamps...a dim setting relaxs the mind and may rest him enough to go to bed early and give you some child free time.
as for the bath thing...would you try putting him into a bath first, let him lay it in for a while then say right out of there ,mammy wants a bath now...dry him off and snuggle him up in his pj's...

sorry if i'm rambling on....best of luck

Beruthiel

Trinity1 wrote:

He wont dress himself or wipe his own bottom. I still do everything for him like when he was an infant. He wants to sleep with me too and even when i get into the bath hes climbing in after me so i have to get out. "Mam get me a drink, mam wipe my bum, mam bring me to the toilet"

You have to put a stop to all of the above today Trinity.
If mini me had refused to wipe her ass, it would have been left unwiped.
I would of course explain to her the result of this if it continues and leave her to decide if it were the wise thing to do. Don't wipe your ass, sore bum - wipe it, no problems. You decide.
Don't bring him to the toilet, if he needs to go badly, he'll eventually go of his own accord.
I would remove him from the bed and put him back in his own, try that one over the weekend if you're not working. Get up as many times as needed until it's done.
Take showers for a while, try to have your bath when he's in bed.
If he's up till midnight, you should be putting him to bed at his normal time and just keep taking him back to his room if he gets up.

He has more toys than i care to mention. XBOX, PS2, Gameboy, Nintendo etc and all his games get lost or broken cos he expects mam will just replace them. He expects new things most everyday
I am constantly feeling guilty because i know i am fcking him up yet i think to myself well life is so so short we dont know whats round the corner - why shouldnt i buy the game if it will make him happy!!

Huge mistake on your part as he cannot learn the consequences of his actions. You absolutely must not replace any item broken. He needs to learn that if he breaks it, it's gone and he has only himself to blame.

i know thats the wrong attitude but i just love to see him happy.

But at what cost? You must think of the future, real life. He needs to learn the skills to cope with that.
You are teaching him that everything can be replaced and taken care of by someone else if he does wrong.

His Dad - no i wont even go there but lets just say i am trying to make up for his lack of interest.

And I can well understand this. I seperated from my daughters father when she was 7. She is an only child. I knew that if I allowed my guilt to cloud my judgement then I would be causing her more harm than good.
Only seeing her for part of the week meant that it was real easy to only be 'nice' to her so she would be happy to come back see me next week.
I decided against that and still laid down the law to the letter. Easier said than done, but they will respect you for it and you have a child who know their limits. I believe they are happier for having the limits as it's a comfortable place to be.

your right though i am not consistant, full of empty threats i never follow through

I cannot stress enough just how important it is to be consistant.
Never, ever threaten something you cannot follow through on. Tell him you will take away his access to his games, and STICK to it if he does not behave.
You must never, ever give in for the sake of peace.
Honestly, it will be damn hard for about a month or two, you will most likely be wrecked from it, but if you give it your all and stick to every threat, then it should come right.
No matter how long it takes to sort, in the end, you will have years of a child who knows his limits and what you will tolerate.
His behaviour at the moment is down to what you've let him away with so far.
All he needs to know is that the rules have changed. He's lost at the moment and hence he's behaving badly. He needs these rules as much as you do.
I have no doubt at all that you can do this, it just needs the mental strength and will to stick at it.
You will be doing both of ye a favour by sorting it now, because as you said yourself, his teenage years are just around the corner and trying to sort out a nearly 6ft young fella with no respect for you would be a nightmare.
Best of luck and keep us posted on your progress.

/edit

He hasnt given me any hassle all day. We've just been up playing the playstation together. Its amazing how he changes suddenly.

When he behaves well, be sure to point it out to him and perhaps give a little treat. Show him you're thrilled when he's good.

I do shout sometimes and as a result is he is always shouting so i cant blame him, thats learned behaviour

You don't need to raise your voice to get your point across - the tone and what you say is all that counts. I probably only raised my voice a handful of times during her childhood, but boy did she know I was serious then. Keep that for when it's really needed.

Trinity

Thanks a million for all the brilliant advice. Will start today and keep you all updated!

run_Forrest_run

here here. someone talks sense.

run_Forrest_run

some good advice there, my lil one is only 1 but I concur with your comments cmurph. we all need rules and boundaries.

BostonB

I'm with Beruthiel on this. Especially being consistent.

mumof2

Some gr8 advice here you guys!! Well done to those of us who keep being consistent - its so important. Yes we all slip up at times, and give in, but as long as we stick to the rules 99% of the time it will work out.

My children are both going on 7 and 5. My daughter of 7 has ADHD.

"I chose not to test him for ADHD. My reasons probably wont make sense but i am unwilling to put him on medication so i dont see the point in labelling him for the rest of his life. I doubt he has it anyway."

While I can understand and agree with u about the medication part, as we don't use it either, it made my life so much easier knowing what was wrong, and that it wasn't down to bad parenting. I had done the courses, talked to everyone, but was getting no results, and also had a father that did nothing. Now we are in the middle of a seperation and I am looking forward to my own space and to getting the kids back on track again with my own rules and boundaries.

ADHD kids need discipline in a different way to other kids, ie her brother knows that if he does something wrong and I give out to him he wont do it again in a hurry. However a child with ADHD will just keep on doing it. This is where we need to praise and encourage them when they are behaving/being good/teamwork etc. Ignore the bad - pick ur battles.

Good luck. Its not easy, but they need boundaries, and definately stop doing things for him. And stop replacing broken things, take a lot from him now, which he wont even realise, and give them back as rewards. Also try storing half his stuff in attic and do a toy rotation every 6 months. Chin up, it will come together if you persevere.

luckat

Trinity, rather than asking unknown people online, please go and get professional help.

I wouldn't worry about getting the lad tested for ADHD. You don't have to accept medication as the only answer, but if he's diagnosed, after all, but it would help you to get a placement in a good parent-child help and counselling system.

But meanwhile, just as an outsider - and another internet stranger - I'm wondering if you're possibly reacting more to the little lad when he's behaving badly than when he behaves well?

I know you say you like him - and I'm sure you *love* him, which is not always the same thing - but he seems to be getting a lot of bribes, things that will distract him.

And he sounds as if he's getting these bribes whenever he's bold - in other words, being rewarded (unconsciously, of course, on your part!) for boldness.

One suggestion, first off: get rid of the TV. It's obviously a bone of contention between you. Either give it away or just lend it to a friend for some months. And don't bring him to shops at all.

I'd also suggest that you make it a priority to get help for you and him. You need to learn how to reinforce desirable behaviour in him.

Trinity

Thanks again all.

Lukcat thanks a lot. We are waiting on an appointment alright in the mater child guidance and he is being assessed at the moment by some friends of mine.

luckat

Trinity, good luck with the Mater. I hope they speed things up for you.

dame

You've got lots of excellent advice from others here and I hope it helps. I'd like to mention something else; his bedtime. You've said he stays up til midnight and that you have to dress him while he's still asleep in the morning. I know I'd be cranky and wouldn't be at my best without a full night's sleep so that's surely affecting him negatively. I'd think even 9pm is a bit late for a six year old on a school night. What does he do until midnight? Play computer games? I'd change his routine so that he's going upstairs and brushing his teeth by say 8.30pm and in bed soon after. It will be hard but it is necessary. You can leave him reading books to himself until he falls asleep if you like.

You need to turn off the computer games a while before bed as they will only keep him awake and adrenaline rushing around his system. What sort of computer games does he have? Are they anything to do with battles, wrestling, fighting or any sort of violent behaviour? If there are any like that then I think you should put them away for a year or two until he has learned that violence has no place in everyday life. Does he have any toys that are not computer games? How about a few good old-fashioned ones like Lego?

It's great that you have a partner to support you now but do you support him when he tries to correct your son ( and does your partner know you will) or do you rush to your son's defence? I wonder about your statement earlier. The one where you went to the doctor and he suggested getting your son seen but you said you won't have anyone say it's your son's fault.

Trinity1 wrote:

My GP sent me to a psychiatrist for anxiety/panic attacks. I was constantly nauseous, in pain, bloated stomach, tired, and they said i was stressed. I Have suffered for 16 years on and off but lately they are desperate. Anyway when i gave them family background they thought the first step in my treatment was getting my son seen to!! I was taken aback but have to admit i am of course stressed up to the hilt, particularly now that school is involved. Hence the child guidance clinic. But i told them i have always been anxious so i wont have anyway say its my sons fault!

I think you really need to stop standing up for him and letting him stay the golden boy. If your son behaves badly and another adult is telling him off or trying to discipline him in some way (within reason obviously and as long as they're doing it for good reason), then you really should support them. If he realises he can do what he wants and you won't let anyone else say a bad word to him ever then what does that say to hm? He already knows he can get around you (for now) and by protecting him from anyone else trying to correct him then you're effectively giving him free rein to do as he wants with anyone anywhere. There is that old saying "It takes a village to raise a child". You're not on your own. You have a partner, your mother and sister, his teacher and others all wanting to help and do what's best for him. Allow them to help.

Best of luck with it Trinity1 and hope the pregnancy goes well for you.

dame

Any improvement/changes made Trinity1?

Trinity

Hi Dame

Hmmm well his behaviour did improve dramatically last week, he was off school on his mid term break.

We had the odd hiccup, i havent been in the best health wise so i let a lot slide. I have stopped wiping his bottom and only accompany him to the bathroom if the lights are not already on, they usually are. He still cant wipe properly but he is trying, the next bit may shed some light on that!!

I got a call during the week from a psychologist in work who had assessed him for dyspraxia, she had taken his checklist to temple street and their recommendation was for me to get an urgent appointment for a neurologist. They feel his behaviour maybe related to motor co-ordination difficulties as well as the fact he is a bit spoiled.

Thanks for your advice above, the last paragraph was spot on and had me wondering if you knew me and if so who could you be incognito

desiredbard

Give him a whack or a spanking never did me any harm

Have to go offline now though before the Gardai trace me down...something to do with 23 murders and some questions they have

dame

Trinity1 wrote:

Hi Dame

Hmmm well his behaviour did improve dramatically last week, he was off school on his mid term break.

We had the odd hiccup, i havent been in the best health wise so i let a lot slide. I have stopped wiping his bottom and only accompany him to the bathroom if the lights are not already on, they usually are. He still cant wipe properly but he is trying, the next bit may shed some light on that!!

I got a call during the week from a psychologist in work who had assessed him for dyspraxia, she had taken his checklist to temple street and their recommendation was for me to get an urgent appointment for a neurologist. They feel his behaviour maybe related to motor co-ordination difficulties as well as the fact he is a bit spoiled.

Thanks for your advice above, the last paragraph was spot on and had me wondering if you knew me and if so who could you be incognito

Not at all, you'd mentioned your mum and sister in an earlier post that's all! I also lived next door to a single mother of an only son. He was definitely her "golden boy" and acted up a lot to get her attention when he was little. Stangely enough he didn't in our house (my mother's a teacher and I think he recognised a stricter voice when he heard it! she still makes us all behave) but he's grown up into a lovely considerate young fella now (he's 14). He uses up all his energy playing football and is always out in the garden kicking at one when he's not off playing with the lads at school. I think being around women a lot actually made him quite empathetic/sympathetic to others as he got older but he was quite a boisterous little fella! He can chat away with anyone now and is so good to his Granny and to younger kids, you wouldn't believe it.

Glad to hear things are improving for you all and that you're getting help. Knowing there's a problem and what it is can be half the battle with finding workable solutions for any situation.

OTK

hi trinity

This is how I deal with my kids.
1. The child is not your friend. The child is a child looking to you as an adult for help and guidance. The child has to know that you and him are different. You can drink alcohol and coffee. He can't. Everyone in my household swears all the time except the kids who know they are not allowed to.
2. Love your child and never threaten to withdraw that love when the child misbehaves. This gives the child a sense of security.
3.As an adult you must behave more maturely than your child. You should hardly ever cry or show any extreme emotion such as anger in front of a child. This gives the child a sense of security.
4. Consistency in the face of constant attempts to break the rules. This kind of drama is played out every 15 minutes in my house:
'Dad, get me a glass of milk'
'That's not how you ask me'
'Please may I have a glass of milk dad?'
etc
You tell kids the rules and then they try to break them to see your reaction. When you calmly enforce the rule they feel more secure. Yes, it is constant and tiring and sometimes you want to tell them to piss off but you are a parent and the future mental health and happiness of a human being is your responsibility.
5. Giving in. Most parents know that if they give in they are fcuked. If your kid is pushing his luck and you just couldn't be bothered fighting and you give in then the next time you can bet the kid will try the same trick. You make your life easier for 2 minutes and harder for months. Not worth it. It confuses the child.
6. Punishing children. I ignore the children to punish them. Take them out of the room and lock them in their own rooms. I never show any emotion while punishing a child. No tantrum is ever allowed in a public area of the house. If a kid starts screaming, I pick him up and dump him on his bed very quickly and close the door and leave him alone. Other ways of punishing include cancelling his trips to friends, telling him that everybody is unhappy with him and that he's in trouble. Send to bed early without a story. Kids have a very short attention span so the whole thing should only take 4-5 minutes. No cuddling the child after he has apologised again because otherwise he will misbehave in order to get a cuddle later.
7. kid wiping his own arse etc. My kids are constantly encouraged to do things for themselves. You're a big boy now. Give them lots of praise when they succeed.
8. Backup. Apart from mum and dad there are usually various other relations in the house. As far as possible these should all be consistent in their treatment of the child or he will rapidly play one of us off against the other.

In your situation I don't know how you get back from the bad habits your child has learnt. Also there may be some medical cause, though I suspect all children would behave like your son if they were treated in the way you described (no offence to you meant).You do need a consistent approach worked out with your boyfriend. If he corrects the child, the child will turn to you to appeal the verdict. If you do it is unfair to the child who will never listen to your bf again.

Sometimes kids are naughty because that's the only time they get attention from their parents. So you should devote time to creative play with the kid, painting, jigsaws, memory game. This is a better way to win the love of your child than buying him crap in the shops.

Lastly diet. If you feed your kid a diet of cocopops and cheese strings, you will have a moody obese monster on your hands. Buy healthy food and don't offer alternatives.

undecided

foxy....... i'm no expert but i think hitting a child back teaches them that it is okay to hurt other people. In my home hurting people is not allowed. I found when I enforced this rule both with me giving my daughter a smack and her hitting me it worked really well.

Trinity........ I can understand exactly where you are now. When my daughter was 2 1/2 I got pregnant on my 2nd. She was a demon! There is alot of good tips in the posts and if you perservere you will get results dont give in! Dont make empty or unrealistic threats. Remember firstly you are the parent and then a friend. It will wear you out but you can do it!

McGinty

I would only add one thing, children a loveable and demons, what I mean by that is they look to us for guidance and care, at the same time they seek to push boundaries and rules to CHECK AND SEE IF YOU NOTICE AND CARE, sorry for the block capitals, but I had trouble with my son, only I was lucky he was going the same way your son is right now, only a friend sat me down and hit me between the two eyes what I needed to do. I've been a single parent since my son was six months old, he is nine now, to be honest there are some blessings, I can raise him my way and it is mostly good. Kids love their parents/ mothers/ guardians, basically whoever raises them but they also want to do what they want, it is in the nature of children , they are not seeking to hurt us (parents/guardians) personally, they are just being children, we need to be just parents. I don't believe in smacking the ****e out of some child, but total neglect be it out of misguided compassion, sympathy or laziness is not on either. PARENTING IS THE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD, and it is thankless, it is a task of pain, misery and learning, my son has taught me more about human nature than any other person I've met, when he acts out I no longer take it personally, he is just acting out, however with help within myself and therapy I'm learning to be a parent, to guide my son, to teach him responsiblity for himself and our relationship grows good because of it, but I'm always aware he'll give me **** again, not because he hates me, but its because its what kids do, they need to learn and stretch at our expense, if we let them, we are required to teach them boundaries until they are adults. There has been some excellent advice re: parenting from Bethruthial and thaedyal (excuse spelling) and many others, I would just concur with what they say, I admire your honesty and the fact you are seeking help that is the first step, so fair play to you. The rest will build up from there, good luck.