no dates me for!

Silent Grape

hello everyone, first, thanks a lot to anyone whon replied to my last post about being dumped. im not halfway over it but i have a but of distance thats getting me places, i hope. anyway, its been two months, two of the worst months in my life so far, and things are improving with college and general socialising etc, so thats great.

but i cant seem to meet anyone i just want to kiss for a while. i dont want a boyfriend, but id like to be 'seeing' someone. ive had sex, one offs which i regretted almost instantly, with complete dickheads, but of course they wernt dickheads until after the act.

ive experienced the worst kind of man since ive been dumped, maybe my self destructive frame of mind attracted them, but im really starting to lose faith in men im losing trust that there are any good ones out there. before xmas one guy saw me walking home one night, crying about my ex, he walked me home, listened to me crying on about it, was sympathetic, i didnt fancy him at all but i was amazed by what a gentleman he was. then he pushed me against my front door and tried to kiss me. maybe im the fool for trusting a stranger to walk me home though!

my problem is with the men ive recently met, its sex or nothing., none of them have been interested in just having a kiss if they wernt guaranteed coming back to mine afterwards. none of them just want to take my number and have a drink the next week, all they seem to have wanted is sex. after the gentleness of my ex boyfriend, im finding this very hard to take, and its leaving me vulnerable and, yeah, a little bit man hating. i respect myself, and im certainly not easy, but im being treated with such disrespect that i dont even want to 'put myself out there' any more. sad sad.


ooh im sorry for the long and rambling post. im not even sure if theres a question in there, but any thoughts or ideas would be very appreciated, im a bit sad about it, i thought most men are decent, but im being prooved very wrong.

dame

Walking home alone at night crying is just going to be like a beacon for any mnan looking for someone vulnerable. Stay with your friends and try to avoid crying while out walking late at night.

My first thought is that you've been coming across as a girl on the rebound (which of course you are). Some men think "rebound sex" as soon as they know someone's on the rebound. They'll listen to you and be a shoulder to cry on for half hour and then expect you to want sex as some sort of a comfort thing. That's just the way (some) men are.

Have you been telling them you recently split up with someone by any chance? How do you act when you're out? Do you cry into your drink or do you flirt outrageously and seem desperate? Ask a close friend. If they're a good enough friend they'll be honest and tell if you if it's something like that.

I'd suggest not looking for a man for a while yet. You're still quite raw about your breakup and comparing everyone you meet to an ex is not good.

Boston

Silent Grape wrote:

hello everyone, first, thanks a lot to anyone whon replied to my last post about being dumped. im not halfway over it but i have a but of distance thats getting me places, i hope. anyway, its been two months, two of the worst months in my life so far, and things are improving with college and general socialising etc, so thats great.

but i cant seem to meet anyone i just want to kiss for a while. i dont want a boyfriend, but id like to be 'seeing' someone. ive had sex, one offs which i regretted almost instantly, with complete dickheads, but of course they wernt dickheads until after the act.

ive experienced the worst kind of man since ive been dumped, maybe my self destructive frame of mind attracted them, but im really starting to lose faith in men im losing trust that there are any good ones out there. before xmas one guy saw me walking home one night, crying about my ex, he walked me home, listened to me crying on about it, was sympathetic, i didnt fancy him at all but i was amazed by what a gentleman he was. then he pushed me against my front door and tried to kiss me. maybe im the fool for trusting a stranger to walk me home though!

my problem is with the men ive recently met, its sex or nothing., none of them have been interested in just having a kiss if they wernt guaranteed coming back to mine afterwards. none of them just want to take my number and have a drink the next week, all they seem to have wanted is sex. after the gentleness of my ex boyfriend, im finding this very hard to take, and its leaving me vulnerable and, yeah, a little bit man hating. i respect myself, and im certainly not easy, but im being treated with such disrespect that i dont even want to 'put myself out there' any more. sad sad.


ooh im sorry for the long and rambling post. im not even sure if theres a question in there, but any thoughts or ideas would be very appreciated, im a bit sad about it, i thought most men are decent, but im being prooved very wrong.

So you just want to use a guy for a bit of fun, to help get over what ever you're going through, and you're pissed off at all men because the only ones that seem into that are dickheads. Well to be honest only a dickhead would be attracted to that offer. You seem surprised that people who score you on a night out only want sex, and don't respect you, but in fairness you're hardly respecting them either, all you want is to score.

cornbb

Sadly there are indeed a lot of dickheads out there and it ruins everything for the rest of us Like dame says, maybe the fact that you're on the rebound and giving out signals indicating this is causing this current spate of assholes.

I'd venture to suggest that going out and kissing all around you is probably not the best way to deal with your breakup. You are probably suffering a huge deficit of affection and you are trying to get your fix by doing this, its pretty natural to want to be physically intimate with someone soon after your previous intimacy was stripped away. However, I reckon it is an extremely short term solution which will only leave you disillusioned and hurt in the end.

I'd suggest just forgetting about the opposite sex for a while. Try to get used to spending time with yourself and your friends. I know its not the easiest thing to do in the world, it can get lonely sometimes but you might really like your new independence after a while.

Or at least take a different approach: sit back, try out a different scene and try to meet nice guys for a change. A nightclub is a crappy place to try to find affection. You cannot tell if a guy is being genuinely nice if he is in a club doing anything he possibly can to get laid. And if you keep meeting assholes like that, you'll just be pissed off forever. And if you start to think all guys are arséholes thats not good news for anyone

Its good to hear you're moving on anyway, 2 months isn't a long time by any means. Give it another while and you'll be right as rain. Be strong and best of luck with it.

Marksie

Silent Grape wrote:

hello everyone, first, thanks a lot to anyone whon replied to my last post about being dumped. im not halfway over it but i have a but of distance thats getting me places, i hope. anyway, its been two months, two of the worst months in my life so far, and things are improving with college and general socialising etc, so thats great.

but i cant seem to meet anyone i just want to kiss for a while. i dont want a boyfriend, but id like to be 'seeing' someone. ive had sex, one offs which i regretted almost instantly, with complete dickheads, but of course they wernt dickheads until after the act.

ive experienced the worst kind of man since ive been dumped, maybe my self destructive frame of mind attracted them, but im really starting to lose faith in men im losing trust that there are any good ones out there. before xmas one guy saw me walking home one night, crying about my ex, he walked me home, listened to me crying on about it, was sympathetic, i didnt fancy him at all but i was amazed by what a gentleman he was. then he pushed me against my front door and tried to kiss me. maybe im the fool for trusting a stranger to walk me home though!

my problem is with the men ive recently met, its sex or nothing., none of them have been interested in just having a kiss if they wernt guaranteed coming back to mine afterwards. none of them just want to take my number and have a drink the next week, all they seem to have wanted is sex. after the gentleness of my ex boyfriend, im finding this very hard to take, and its leaving me vulnerable and, yeah, a little bit man hating. i respect myself, and im certainly not easy, but im being treated with such disrespect that i dont even want to 'put myself out there' any more. sad sad.


ooh im sorry for the long and rambling post. im not even sure if theres a question in there, but any thoughts or ideas would be very appreciated, im a bit sad about it, i thought most men are decent, but im being prooved very wrong.

The walking home with a stranger was a mistake.

As someone said rebound sex often happens.
But what are you hoping to achieve?.. i wonder if there is a little self destructive part of you trying to make a self fulfilling prophecy.. namely that all men are bad and you never had it so good with your ex. Further your experiences will embitter you allowing you to point to them and use them as an excuse to close yourself off.

Your emotions and self esteem are all over the place now take time out and release the need to be "seeing" someone.

Faith

Silent Grape wrote:

... im not halfway over it ... its been two months, two of the worst months in my life so far

...

i dont want a boyfriend ... ive had sex, one offs which i regretted almost instantly

...

my self destructive frame of mind ... walking home one night, crying about my ex ... gentleness of my ex boyfriend, im finding this very hard to take ... a little bit man hating

Eh, you admitted yourself that you're not over your ex, so why don't you wait until you are before you go looking for a replacement? Shock horror, you've been single for eight whole weeks! I've been single for 18 months, but I don't go bringing random guys home, and then complaining because they're not looking for a commitment. If you're meeting random guys on nights out and giving them what they're looking for straight away, why would they bother calling you again?

My advice? Take some time to be single. Concentrate on getting over your ex, then maybe you'll be able to find a new, healthy relationship.

Marksie

Faith wrote:

Eh, you admitted yourself that you're not over your ex, so why don't you wait until you are before you go looking for a replacement? Shock horror, you've been single for eight whole weeks! I've been single for 18 months, but I don't go bringing random guys home, and then complaining because they're not looking for a commitment. If you're meeting random guys on nights out and giving them what they're looking for straight away, why would they bother calling you again?

Faith, your right, but i think its a symptom. Repeat behaviour: projecting the severe regret/loathing onto the other, then doing it again. A friend described something similar which they called "angry sex".

But the advise you gave is correct.

King of Kings

Faith wrote:

If you're meeting random guys on nights out and giving them what they're looking for straight away, why would they bother calling you again?

QUOTE]

faith - we call again it we had a good time and fancy meeting up again.if we don't it's cos we didn't.
the act of sex has nothing to do with the call or not call issue.
It's how well we get on with the person and fancy them.

Marksie

King of Kings wrote:

.
faith - we call again it we had a good time and fancy meeting up again.if we don't it's cos we didn't.
the act of sex has nothing to do with the call or not call issue.
It's how well we get on with the person and fancy them.

You have a point actually. The OP states that she "regretted almost instantly" having sex and they weren't dickheads before... but they were after.
There is only one side to the story.... We do not know what reaction she gave post coital..many would have a cigarette: she may have had a full blown emotional session: Anger, tears, rebuke, total silence, freezing out....we don't know.

AngryBadger

You've got what i like to call "currency" syndrome. If a guy sleeps with you he owes you as far as you're concerned. He's now contractually obliged to hang around and listen o whtever crap you want to sling at him, maybe take you out a few times, until you decide you're bored.

This is how it works. if you shag a guy, it's odds on he will lose all interest in you almost immediately. It's nothing personal, it's just how we're wired.Our biological imperative is to sow wild oats in all plots. your biological imperative is to seek security. The two are polar opposites. The only way to satisfy both is find someone you have feelings for an star a relationship with them.

There are obviously exceptions to what I've just said, but in the mainstay that'll cover pretty much every scenario.

Stop shagging guys you're not attracted to and then expecting soemthign from them. it won't happen. And you've no right to expect anything anyway. If you meet someone, and have sex with them, that#' all fine, two adults in a free world have a casual encounter, nothing like it. But its not a precedent for any kind of ties, or demands.

Black Swan

You're on the rebound, and bound to make mistakes. Chill out, stop beating yourself up, as well as the lads about you, and go with the flow. There's decent fellas out there, but you will be vulnerable to the few jerks until you get over your ex. It takes time. Been there, done that! So, in the mean time, is there something you really enjoy doing? Join a group of young singles that does this, become an enthusiastic member, and in time you just might find Mr Right, who enjoys doing something you enjoy doing. But don't rush it.

king_of_inismac

Hey Silent grape,

The first thing to do is not to lose faith in guys. There are lots of guys out there who will give you exactly what you need. However there are more guys who won't. Don't lower your standards, decide what you want and wait for it. (I can't believe that guy who walk you home and tried it on when you were upset. I can honestly say that the majority of the guys I know would never do that, so don't lose hope)

Secondly, my advise to you would be to learn to be on your own for a while. Be comfortable in your own skin, and not needing anyone except yourself to be happy. That way if someone great comes alongs next week, you're sorted, but if not, you're still happy.

Hope everything works out!
M

Jumpy

AngryBadger wrote:

You've got what i like to call "currency" syndrome. If a guy sleeps with you he owes you as far as you're concerned. He's now contractually obliged to hang around and listen o whtever crap you want to sling at him, maybe take you out a few times, until you decide you're bored.

This is how it works. if you shag a guy, it's odds on he will lose all interest in you almost immediately. It's nothing personal, it's just how we're wired.Our biological imperative is to sow wild oats in all plots. your biological imperative is to seek security. The two are polar opposites. The only way to satisfy both is find someone you have feelings for an star a relationship with them.

There are obviously exceptions to what I've just said, but in the mainstay that'll cover pretty much every scenario.

Stop shagging guys you're not attracted to and then expecting soemthign from them. it won't happen. And you've no right to expect anything anyway. If you meet someone, and have sex with them, that#' all fine, two adults in a free world have a casual encounter, nothing like it. But its not a precedent for any kind of ties, or demands.

Its not how we are wired mate. I assume you are young and immature.
I may be how you are, but if I had a good shag with someone I will call back.
You are right we have no contractual obligations, but the idea that we lose interest almost immediately is an attitude of the young and stupid.

vandermeyde

walking home alone at night is not something I'd suggest for any female if at all avoidable and making conversation with a random male whilst walking alone at night is silliness regardless of how much of a "gentleman" he is...Be Safe.

I'd suggest you forget about men for a while and concentrate on yourself. You won't be comfortable with someone else until you're comfortable in yourself so thats the stage you need to get to. Best of luck

The Corinthian

Silent Grape wrote:

i dont want a boyfriend, but id like to be 'seeing' someone.

my problem is with the men ive recently met, its sex or nothing., none of them have been interested in just having a kiss if they wernt guaranteed coming back to mine afterwards. none of them just want to take my number and have a drink the next week, all they seem to have wanted is sex.

So you don't want a relationship, but you do want someone to bring you out on a few dates, presumably without sex. Essentially you want validation without anything in return.

Of course, on the other hand you might want sex too, but unless you accept a variation on the one-night-stand scenario (given you don't want to have a new relationship), it's difficult to have your cake and eat it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying either of these are the case, but you do have to realize that men are people too. If you don't want a relationship, you will only get those who are interested in one thing as those who want to build something with you won't be interested - because you're not.

After all, men are not there simply to service your sense of self worth.

Mighty_Mouse

Sadly there are indeed a lot of dickheads out there and it ruins everything for the rest of us

Whatever about the original post this stunned me!!! I mean wtf!!
Has the man-bashing got to the point where blokes are joining in!!!
Reminds me of an episode of Family Guy!<<<Peter becomes intouch with his feminine side and hates all men!!>>>

im not halfway over it but i have a but of distance thats getting me places, i hope. anyway, its been two months

You're not half-way. Its been only 2months. Slow down. Take one day at a time. Focus on yourself and what makes you happy from day to day.

You need to make life out of the relationship better than life was inside the relationship. Whatever it takes..........new hobbies, clothes, career, friends...........etc

but i cant seem to meet anyone i just want to kiss for a while.

Its a weird type of relationship you're looking for. Whats a while? How often do you intend to kiss them!!!!!!!!!!

The point is you probably would like to meet another decent bloke. If so, then why focus on the above. I mean take the fact that you wont sleep with them on first date as a given. Apart from that just go with it.

And dont dont dont dont dont dont focus on your ex. A simple sentence saying very breezily that you're just out of a relationship will do. We blokes dont need the detail.

Walking home with strangers is just retarded. Nothing to do with your "current fragile mind". You mind is exactly the same. I mean your brain hasnt stopped working?
Your just a bit upset for christs sake. Everybody gets dumped. Doesnt make it any easier to know, but everybody also gets over it.

Just thank your lucky stars he took "no" for an answer.

As for man-hating, be my guest but its a ridicoulous exercise. They're are as many complete bi*ches in the world. How many women you know just chat to a bloke for free drink? How many women "collect" numbers on a night out?
How many women cheat a mess blokes around?

Hardly scientific, but in fact I would argue that there's more fellas on here crying with broken hearts than girls.

My point finally is: people are just people.
There's lots of mean an nasty ones (both male and female) but there's also lots of sound ones (both male and female)

AngryBadger

Jumpy wrote:

Its not how we are wired mate. I assume you are young and immature.
I may be how you are, but...You are right we have no contractual obligations, but the idea that we lose interest almost immediately is an attitude of the young and stupid.

I pointed out that my words didn't cover every scenario, but are a pretty good guide, but that's some fine assuming about a total stranger mate.

My point was that if the OP hooks up with guys she's jsut met, that's completely fine, but she can't expect the to suddenly become emotional rocks for her while she gets over her ex. That's an unikely scenario, and has nothing to do with immaturity, who would want to get involed with anyone (male/female) who's on a really bad rebound?

Jumpy wrote:

if I had a good shag with someone I will call back.

...yeah you sure stuck it to me with THAT comment :rolleyes:

Jumpy

AngryBadger wrote:

...yeah you sure stuck it to me with THAT comment :rolleyes:

Damn straight Remember that now, theres plenty more where that came from.

r3nu4l

OP, back off a bit and give yourself some more room. If you're going out for a night, go out with friends for dinner or a few quiet drinks, and socialise rather than looking for a man to snog. Spend time with people who care about you and whom you can have a laugh with.

Two months is not very long to grieve. I liken being dumped from a long-term relationship to grieving, especially if you aren't happy to have lost that person. Grieving people need time, support and friendship.

You need time to calm down a bit and get over things. Take it easy for a while. I can assure you that there are plenty of decent guys out there and plenty of dickheads too.

I know you say you aren't looking for a boyfriend right now but maybe in the future, instead of kissing guys when you are out you should talk to them, see if they are interested in meeting you again another night. Anyone who is seriously interested in getting to know you will not be put off by the fact that they didn't even get a kiss. That's the easiest way to cut out a large proportion of the knobends.

AngryBadger

Jumpy wrote:

Damn straight Remember that now, theres plenty more where that came from.

lol if only I'd called back al the girls I'd shagged i could have avoided this deadly onslaught :D

Nevyn

Keep this on topic please.

Silent Grape I suggest that you keep your knickers on while you sort out your head and your heart.
No one is going to come along and make everything alright and save you,
you have to do that yourself.

Silent Grape

woah, okay thankyou, everyone for the replies, even the harsh unfair ones. just to clear a few things up...

im no slut. everyone has weak moments and there is NO WAY i was looking for a one night stand to be my 'rock of emotional support' as someone put it. jesus. Boston, they used me as much as i used them, thats kind of what one night stands are. and im not just looking for a 'score', (does that mean kiss?) i want to get to know someone over a few weeks and see what happens, without pressure of sex or pressure that it will turn into a relationship.


faith, i dont want commitment, thats my point. when i had these one offs, i knew they were one offs too, i wasnt looking for marriage because some guy got the good luck to sleep with me. my sadness was that even though it was just a one night stand, i would expect a bit of decorum and politeness the next morning, as i have given, but maybe thats just me. but these two examples were just bad luck, and made me dissapointed but they were a good learning experience i think. anyway, im not looking for a replacement, just a fun distraction where theres no pressure or huge expectation. you are all talking like im dragging half the pub home with me every night, which is not the case. 'keep my knickers' on? ive had sex twice since we broke up!

marksuttonie, where are u getting that i am a complete headcase from? these two boys i slept with were ****. trust me. i am well able to handle men usually and i know the difference. pity i let myself be swept away by their charm, thats all. and i would never ever start bawling about my ex having just had sex with someone! what bizzare behaviour!

angry badger. i do not have 'currency syndrome'. i never once said in my whole post that i wanted anything from these two one offs afterwards. i have had one night stands before, which have been absolutely lovely nights and mornings etc etc, with mutual respect on both sides. i also think you dont have a very mature outlook on women. you cannot generalise something so intimate and important.

Corinthian, thanks for your advice, im certianly not trying to use someone. what i want is, basically, to take it really, really really slowly, but there is so much pressure.

mighty mouse, im really not trying to be man hating. im just dissapointed, i came from such a lovely place back into the real world, and its taking a bit of ajusting.

r3nu4ll, honestly, im not going out on the prowl every night. . ive only met a couple of people since i was broken up with, and they showed an interest in me in only a purely sexual way, and thats what got me down. what id really like is to have a chat and see if we'll meet again, kiss or not. thats exactly what id love to happen. thankyou for your advice, you are right in what you say.

i would never mention my ex to anyone i was interested in. and no im not the girl crying into her drink, im a fun sociable outgoing person. i dont come onto guys AT ALL, i stick with my friends and maybe have a chat with other poeple outside smoking.

thaedyal, im certainly not looking for anyone to come save me, and i never said or inclined such a thing. what id like to experience is old fashioned traditional dating i suppose.

i know letting the guy walk me home was silly, but i have an open heart and i am trusting and believe in the root good heart of most people, also at that time of my life, i really wanted to see the goodness of people, so believed it easier than usual. also not one man i know would ever do that to a girl. so it is an unusual thing to happen, i hope.

anyway, im not here to be given out to, i know where i went wrong, i already stated this.

cornbb, thankyou so much for the gentle words. things are pretty rough, every time i think im doing okay for a week, ill have another bad couple of days.

inismac, you're competely right, so many people have said be okay on your own again before considering someone else. its advice ive given out too. but im pretty lonely, and its easy to make yourself like someone if you're that lonely, but im keeping my standards up, for the boys i see and for me. thankyou for your kind words.


good and bad advice, maturity or not, all this made me think, so thankyou, everyone, i appreciate it very much.

dame

Silent Grape wrote:

i would never mention my ex to anyone i was interested in. and no im not the girl crying into her drink, im a fun sociable outgoing person. i dont come onto guys AT ALL, i stick with my friends and maybe have a chat with other poeple outside smoking.

Hmm....why were you walking home alone crying??

thaedyal, im certainly not looking for anyone to come save me, and i never said or inclined such a thing. what id like to experience is old fashioned traditional dating i suppose.

You're looking in the wrong spot if you want to meet someone you can date.....clubs are not the place for that.

i know letting the guy walk me home was silly, but i have an open heart and i am trusting and believe in the root good heart of most people, also at that time of my life, i really wanted to see the goodness of people, so believed it easier than usual. also not one man i know would ever do that to a girl. so it is an unusual thing to happen, i hope.

So why did you let him walk you home then? That sounds like an excuse; "I really wanted to see the goodness of people". In other words you really wanted someone to comfort you and "save you" in a manner of speaking.

inismac, you're competely right, so many people have said be okay on your own again before considering someone else. its advice ive given out too. but im pretty lonely, and its easy to make yourself like someone if you're that lonely, but im keeping my standards up, for the boys i see and for me. thankyou for your kind words.

You haven't been keeping your standards up so far by the sound of things, but at least you recognise that you need to.
Yes, you do need to get used to being by yourself again and get comfortable with that.

Quit making excuses for your episodes of silly behaviour since your breakup and just concentrate on not doing it again.

Silent Grape

the only silly thing i did was letting that guy walk me home. i was alone because my friends had left me at the cross roads. jesus christ. i did one stupid thing, im not that affected by it, it was just an example. no i did not want saving for ****s sake, i was drunk, very upset, people do silly things when they're drunk and sad, i know this, i dont need anyone to point it out to me.

the one night stands were not silly behaviour and im not making excuses, i wanted to have sex, i got it, i brought it up because the boys behaviour surprised me. ive had one night stands before i was going out with my ex you know, this was just a surprise that boys like this still exisited. you dont even know what they did that was wrong, but you're still assuming it was my fault somehow.

my standards are very high, thankyou. the fact i have a total of two one night stands does not mean that my standards are low.

'Yes, you do need to get used to being by yourself again and get comfortable with that.' i know,. thats why i said it.

im wondering why you're so judgemental dame, but thankyou for your advice

The Corinthian

Silent Grape wrote:

Corinthian, thanks for your advice, im certianly not trying to use someone. what i want is, basically, to take it really, really really slowly, but there is so much pressure.

Well, you are really, after a fashion. Look at it this way, you want to date a guy, but are not looking for a relationship, yet at the same time you are not looking for casual sex either.

You have to bare in mind that "really, really slowly" is a big investment for any man (or woman) to make. He has to really like a woman to do so and feel that it’ll be worth the wait. If you’ve already ruled out a relationship, all he can hope for is sex – and if that’s all you got to offer, then he can find it elsewhere without difficulty or as much investment.

Ultimately your motivation is to be validated – to feel that you’re an attractive woman who can still capture the interest of a man. Unless the man is in a similar situation then there’s not a lot in it for him.

TBH, I’d avoid dating or sex for the time being if I were you. You’re not ready. ‘Date’ some gay men for a while instead if you need (albeit imperfect) validation.

Silent Grape

no im not ruling out a relationship at all, i know its a big investment for someone to take things as slowly as id like to, but hopefully in time the right person will come along. i know im an attractive woman, i know i attract men, i just want to know that there are men who will take things slowly, are interested in getting to know the person first without big expectations.

Boston

Silent Grape wrote:

no im not ruling out a relationship at all, i know its a big investment for someone to take things as slowly as id like to, but hopefully in time the right person will come along. i know im an attractive woman, i know i attract men, i just want to know that there are men who will take things slowly, are interested in getting to know the person first without big expectations.

Yes there are, I'm one of them, but quiet frankly if I got the vib off you that you just wanted to be seen to have boyfriend, or company for lack of a better word, I honestly wouldn't be interested. And I think the only guys that would be, are the ones likely to jerk you around.

dame

You had a similar thread in March '06 where you were also bemoaning the fact that the men you met seemed to only want one thing. It was on the After Hours forum. The Corinthian hit nail on the head - you want validation and reassurance. How about just avoiding the situations and places where you meet these men. Makes a lot more sense than repeating a pattern and then moaning about it.

Silent Grape

jesus boston, are you always this annoying? i never said i wanted to be 'seen' with a boyfriend, and i have all the company i need in my friends, so i dont really know where you're getting that... maybe youre over doing it slightly the way you are so argumentative with most posts ive read by you.

what does the fact that i posted about something a lot more lighthearted in a kind of similiar vein have to do with this one?

The Corinthian

Silent Grape wrote:

no im not ruling out a relationship at all

i dont want a boyfriend, but id like to be 'seeing' someone.

Mixed messages there.

i just want to know that there are men who will take things slowly, are interested in getting to know the person first without big expectations.

The one's who want relationships will wait, but you are sending mixed messages about wanting a relationship, so as a result you may be frightening them off.

Additionally, it really depends on what you mean by slowly. Waiting six months when you're 18 may be considered acceptable, but by the time you reach your late twenties you can forget it. You could probably forget two months too TBH.

sobriquet

Silent Grape wrote:

no im not ruling out a relationship at all, i know its a big investment for someone to take things as slowly as id like to, but hopefully in time the right person will come along. i know im an attractive woman, i know i attract men, i just want to know that there are men who will take things slowly, are interested in getting to know the person first without big expectations.

Silent Grape, I'm afraid I'm with Boston and co on this one. It's not very clear what you want out of a relationship (of sorts) with someone.

Were a guy to come on PI and post about how he was seeing this great girl who was recently out of a relationship, who was taking things 'really, really, really' slowly and this was frustrating him - well, I'd personally tell him he was being strung along and to move on.

AngryBadger

Silent Grape wrote:

angry badger. i do not have 'currency syndrome'. i never once said in my whole post that i wanted anything from these two one offs afterwards. i have had one night stands before, which have been absolutely lovely nights and mornings etc etc, with mutual respect on both sides.

If that's the case then why are you on here claiming the guys you slept with turned into ****?

Silent Grape wrote:

i also think you dont have a very mature outlook on women. you cannot generalise something so intimate and important.

??? If it's so intimate and important then maybe you shouldn#t have one-night stands at all since YOU obviously aren't mature enough to handle it. Also I have to laugh at you assuming you know anything about my outlook on women based on one response to your post.

Silent Grape

im perfectly able to handle one night stands. the fact that these two were not very pleasant people was unlucky. you dont know me, and you're being unfairly judgemental, and fairly mean. i mentioned it as it got me down very slightly, it doesnt have much to do with what i really want.

this thread has become something other than my intent. things i said off handedly, are seen as important, while things that are important, and being dismissed. i wont be checking back, but thankyou all for the good, and the bad, advice, i take it all on board.

Faith

Silent Grape, I know through experience that one comes on PI and posts a thread, looking for kind responses and reassurances that they're right and they're looking for something obtainable. But that's not the way it happens. People often interpret your post in an entirely different manner than you intended. Things that you posted "off handedly" may be unimportant to you (or you think so), but can often be the key statements in your post.

Many people who reply on PI can see holes in posts that the OP didn't see, or didn't think was important. You may think that we're all being thick by not understanding your posts, but maybe the replies here are correct, and you just don't want to see it. There are inconsistencies in your posts here, and they've been pointed out to you.

It's as simple as this: If you're willing to put out straight away with some guy you just met in a club, then you can expect it to be a one nighter, and no, he probably won't respect you in the morning. But here's the thing. You don't have to put out. You're not obliged to bring them home.

Silent Grape wrote:

my problem is with the men ive recently met, its sex or nothing., none of them have been interested in just having a kiss if they wernt guaranteed coming back to mine afterwards. none of them just want to take my number and have a drink the next week, all they seem to have wanted is sex.

Obviously they're not the type of guys you're looking for, then. If you bring them home, you're a fool to expect anything more than random sex from them. Try looking in other places, apart from bars and clubs. They're like meat markets, and the guys who go there are generally just after one thing.

I often meet guys in clubs and have a kiss, but I never bring them home that night. I'm not easy. When they invite me back to theirs, I smile and politely decline, explaining that I'm not that type of girl. If they're truely interested, they don't mind that I decline, and ask for my number. If they walk off, well, that's their loss imo.

Silent Grape

i never wanted more than sex from the one nighters. i said this already. i didnt bring them home from a club either. the fact i had two one night stands has nothing to do with what im looking for and cant find. with the one night stands i didnt want or expect anything from them, apart from sex. i was just surprised at how rude they were. these were not nice people, i was unlucky, it happens. i could describe what they were like but it has nothing to do with this. these incidents were before christmas. the issue of the original post was is there any men like the one i want out there or am i deluding myself.

_Kaiser_

Yes there are still nice, decent guys out there who don't just want a one night stand, but as others have said, I think the problem is you're sending mixed messages.

I was seeing a girl for most of the last year that, like you, had been messed around in the past and (justifiably) wanted to take things "really slowly". And I was ok with this, as I really like(d) the girl and we got on so well that I really saw it going somewhere given time.

However, 8/9 months later, she was still telling me she doesn't know how she felt/what she wanted, yet she wanted us to still keep talking/txting all day and night, and me basically being her boyfriend in everything but name, but without her having to give anything back (even meeting up with this girl was a hassle as she almost always had SOME reason why she couldn't, and it was always me who had to ask).

I (I think understandably) got frustrated with this and eventually had to walk away, even though I still cared about her, because I finally realised that she wanted to have her cake and eat it too, and I needed more than that.

You need to sort out what you want and only start seeing someone when you know what that is and are ready to give as much to it as they are, because otherwise you will just keep meeting guys who only want a one nighter (which is fine if that's all you want too, and are clear that there's no obligation on either side afterwards), or driving the ones who may be interested in more away.

Just my 2c anyway.. I hope it works out for you

The Corinthian

Silent Grape wrote:

i never wanted more than sex from the one nighters. i said this already. i didnt bring them home from a club either. the fact i had two one night stands has nothing to do with what im looking for and cant find. with the one night stands i didnt want or expect anything from them, apart from sex. i was just surprised at how rude they were. these were not nice people, i was unlucky, it happens. i could describe what they were like but it has nothing to do with this. these incidents were before christmas.

You could describe what they were like, after all your definition of rude could say a lot about where you are right now. Given this the one-night stands are just a side issue, IMHO, as they involve a different type of guy that you just need for sex to the one’s who you want to spend time with.

the issue of the original post was is there any men like the one i want out there or am i deluding myself.

Well, the more I read, the more I feel that the issue of the original post was an attempt by you to seek some form of validation online. As Faith has correctly suggested, when people pointed out genuine advice you didn’t like you rejected it, not because it was bad advice but because it was not the validation you sought.

It seems to me you’re presently looking for all the advantages of a relationship without the relationship bit. Essentially a guy who’ll be willing to wine and dine you, keep you company, make you feel wanted but without the complications of serious intimacy.

So the short answer is yes; you are deluding yourself. Few, male or female, want to date someone who is primarily looking for validation and is not really interested in giving anything in return. Only cuddle bitchs put up with it and probably so should be euthanased for their own good.

Silent Grape

but i wouldnt be ruling out a possible relationship. maybe when the right person comes along i can explain i want to take it slowly and why and hopefully he will understand. it would be a relationship i suppose, but one which is more casual to my usual relationships. basically, im going to be slightly guarded.

_Kaiser_

Silent Grape wrote:

but i wouldnt be ruling out a possible relationship. maybe when the right person comes along i can explain i want to take it slowly and why and hopefully he will understand. it would be a relationship i suppose, but one which is more casual to my usual relationships. basically, im going to be slightly guarded.

Which is fair enough and understandable, BUT will only work if you tell the guy early on, and do make an effort to judge him for what and who he is (rather than - maybe subconciously - comparing him to your ex or expecting him to let you down).

You also will have to show (and maybe tell) him every so often that you're getting there as time goes on as we're not mindreaders, and if things begin to stagnate or he starts to feel frustrated if you're no closer to being a "proper" couple after a few months, then that's when the rows will start.

The Corinthian

Silent Grape wrote:

but i wouldnt be ruling out a possible relationship. maybe when the right person comes along i can explain i want to take it slowly and why and hopefully he will understand. it would be a relationship i suppose, but one which is more casual to my usual relationships. basically, im going to be slightly guarded.

But as has been evident in this thread that you do come across as ruling out a possible relationship, that's why what you considered unimportant in your post is in reality quite pertinent. As Kaiser2000 points out, men are not telepathic, so we can only go on the signals women give us - which in your case seem to be mixed at best. Even your term casual would seem to imply going out for drinks or dinners but never progressing all that further.

How long would a man have to wait, out of interest? A week? A month? Six? A year? And would your idea of casual dating last long enough to get to that point? Because if it doesn't, you really are just using them.

Kell

Silent Grape wrote:

i just want to know that there are men who will take things slowly, are interested in getting to know the person first without big expectations.

And you dont think that your own expectation is quite big?

Why cant you accept what most clued in people have pointed out to you? You are seeking men to fill a void left in your life left by the departure of your ex. Understandable, but not healthy. After 8 weeks WHAT THE FúCK ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP/KISS/SHáG OR ANYTHING FOR??

Lets examine the logic- "I just had my heart smashed off the rocks of a failed relationship, yet I want to perch my heart just above the rocks again and wait till I get fúcked up". Does this sound healthy or sane? No. But it is exactly what you are doing.

Decide exactly what it is you want. You think you have done that but have you question your logic that you have an unreasonable expectation? No, because your logic is skewed and you will only find disappointment. You swing from "I dont want a relationship" to "I wont rule one out" to "I dont want just sex" to "but I want physicality". You answers are as diverse as Pat Rabbitte on coalition.

We have all pointed out that you ARE being irrational and wanting everything but giving nothing away. 8 weeks is a gee hair amount of time. Give yourself and break to get your head screwed on.

K-

littlesurfer

I really don't get this at all. I was broken up with two months ago by my boyfriend and i'm spending my time trying not to think about him.....I couldn't even think about another guy, whether its a date or a kiss or a no strings sex thing. Whatever about the psycho analysis your getting here which i have read and can see where its coming from.....do you not think your being a bit hasty in looking for a casual relationship or whatever it is your calling it.

Honestly, if i thought my ex boyfriend was out dating or kissing guys i'd be upset that i was that easy to get over......broken relationships take time to heal,.....a lot more than two months....