To wait or not bother?

LegacyUser

Right so, i have a question for you. im 20 and the last virgin among my friends. this doesnt bother me that much, but sometimes it gets me down. all my friends (more or less) lost their virginities in stable long term relationships. i feel like i should wait to be in a relationship before i lose mine, but at the same time i really want to get my first time out of the way. ive heard convincing arguments for losing it to a randomer on a one night type of thing, because then youve got a bit of practise in before you meet someone you really like. then theres the obvious arguments for waiting for the right person. i feel like id have more confidence in myself once ive got the first time out of the way.

so which so you think is the way to go? should you wait or should you just go for it?

i have no accessible close male friends to ask, so thats pretty much out of the question, and my chances of meeting the right guy anytime soon are looking pretty slim. so i turn to all of you for advice!

dudara

Poll closed. Reply as normal please.

dudara

littlesurfer

relax about it. Its really not that big a deal. if you originally wanted to wait for a relationship to sleep with someone then stick to that....don't just sleep with someone so you can say your not a virgin.

No guy would mind if you were a virging at this age....none i know anyway

Lorax

Its pushing it a bit, but defo not too old..

BeardyGit

Only you can make this decision. Don't let anyone else influence it.

LegacyUser

Hey, I was a virgin until I was 21. I felt just like you, the last of my friends, and I felt sooo behind. I'd had boyfriends before and it never felt quite right. But I stayed strong, tried not to give into peer pressure. I had my moments though! Cryin for nights on end, feelin depressed. Last year I met my current boyfriend, and it just felt right

Don't give up hope, you're only 20 and you might be surprised at how many people are in a similar situation to yourself, they just mightnt advertise it!

I have friends who are virgins at 23 or so - there's no big deal. It doesn't matter so much if it's a randomer or not, just make sure you're at least somewhat comfortable with them. You don't have to "wait for the right person" - sex is speical with someone special no matter how many times you've done it before. But there's no harm in waiting if you really want to

Petey2006

Don't be in any rush dude. I was in a similar situation. The last of a group of friends, etc... It just didn't feel right going for it just for the sake of losing my virginity. I waited until I met someone and fell in love, and I can tell ya, it was well worth the wait.

r3nu4l

Yep, wait it out! Having sex with a randomer on one occassion is not going to make you a sexpert all of a sudden, you'll still be kind of awkward and goofy the first time you go with the next person.

I'd advise waiting until you find someone you really feel comfortable with, someone who isn't going to pressure you too much and then take it at your own pace. It'll be more fun (even if it is a bit scary) and a bit more meaningful that way.

Talliesin

Anyone who even considers paying any attention to a poll on this matter isn't ready and should wait for a good bit longer.

Heyes

Lorax wrote:

Its pushing it a bit, but defo not too old..

Firstly OP ignore the first part of the above responce. There is no age determining when someone should loose there virginity, everybody is different and should only have sex for the first time when THEY feel ready, you could meet someone and instantly want to have sex or it could be another while, it all depends on when it feels right for YOU.

You will realise with age, that people tend to have a lot of respect for someone that waits until they are ready instead of jumping in the sack just to get it done with. Trust me its no biggie, so dont feel like there is ever any pressure from anyone for you to do something that you may or may not be ready for.

Just relax, have fun and see what happens

LegacyUser

Hey OP, this topic comes up frequently on the boards and I think you'd be surprised at the number of people who are virgins into their twenties. I'm 24 and still a virgin. I've had opportunities to lose my virginity to randomers but for some reason it just didn't feel right so I haven't. I know how you feel, you wonder what you're missing out on and you're getting bombarded with "info" from all sides (tv, internet, magazines) about how great sex is and how you're not an adult until you've had sex. Its only natural to be curious but you are definitely not a loser because you're a virgin.

There's a pecieved social stigma about being a virgin especially among people our age (hence the reason I'm posting as an unregistered user!!) I think that the sexual side of relationships can be blown out of proportion a LOT. I'd love to find a nice girl who's company I enjoy and who'd like to have sex with me, but as I've got older there's been a shift in my own personal attitude to the view that the most important thing I'm looking for is the relationship, not specifically the sex.

When I do have sex its not going to change who I am, so if I have to wait a few more years whats the big deal? As far as I know no-one has ever died of being a virgin. If I had cancer I'd be entitled to lie awake at night, cry to myself etc. Its not something I should do because I'm a virgin, did you lie awake at night when you were 18 thinking OMG I've never driven a car yet and all my friends have?

Sorry if the post is a bit muddled up but I wanted to give the pov of an "older" virgin. Yes its something I think about a lot, and something I worry about sometimes. I think I'm ready to have sex but I'm not going to rush into it because I think I'd enjoy it more as part of a relationship.

AnonoBoy

Believe me - if you go for a random one nighter then chances are there'll be a good bit of drink involved and it will be a huge letdown.

Don't go out with that intention of just scoring some lad. Wait until it's someone you're comfortable with.

LegacyUser

'OP please don't pressure yourself into anything that doesn't feel right. I'm in the same situation as yourself (worse in fact as I'm 23) and the right time just hasn't come. I've never had a serious boyfriend and I have no interest in losing my virginity to some drunken randomer on a one night stand. I've had many opportunities but I know I would feel so much worse afterwards. So i'm still waiting.

Yes I think about it and worry about it sometimes but I think we make a bigger deal out of it than it really is. We'll still be the same people after having sex as we were before

I found it very hard during the summer when I went travelling around Europe with some friends and they were having tons of one night stands. I was the odd one out because I didn't go out every night looking for a shag. They didn't know I was a virgin and I just said I wasn't into one night stands but they seemed to find that a bit unusual. It was such a relief to get back to my friends at home who were on the same wavelength as me

So OP you're by no means the only virgin in your twenties, in fact there are probably a lot more than you think!'

Rb

Lorax wrote:

Its pushing it a bit, but defo not too old..

OP feel free to ignore this.

Do it when it feels right and you're comfortable, you wouldn't believe the amount of people who lose it on one night stands just for the sake of it and then regretting it and wishing they'd waited for someone special/right.

chump

christ i feel bad for you that you are letting this upset you.

of course wait and do it with someone ya like - and dont worry about getting experience - it's not exactly rocket science

af_thefragile

This thread disgusts me!!
Whats the big deal if you are a still virgin?! thats a good thing!! and u are only 20!
Sex is not some small thing u can play around with. Once you lose or take away someones virginity, u can never get it back. Losing your virginity is a big thing imo and i think you should only give it away to the person you really love and wanna spend the rest of your life with. Not some random guy you met at a club and humped cuz u were desperate!!!

Being a virgin is not something demeaning! Its shows you are sensible enuf to wait for the right person to give it off to and not some desperate horny teenager who went around humping anything on two legs cuz you just wanted to get rid of it!

Its always better wait for the right person to give away ur viginity to rather than giving away to someone u were hardly close to and then regretting it later! It always feels better to be close and get intimate with the person you trully love, trust and know u're gonna spend the rest of ur life with.

Sooo... Dont be desperate! be sensible and wait for the right person and only let him take away ur viginity after u're completey sure he's the person u're gonna spend the rest of ur life with and not someone who's gonna leave u in a few months for the hot chick he met the other day...!!

af_thefragile

Btw, i'm a virgin and i also have a gf who's a virgin too and we've decided to not have sex till its the right time. we're ready to spend the rest of our lives together but right now sex feels wrong. we dont wanna regret later any actions we take now. we both believe in god. And we feel its the right thing to hold back sex till later. There are many more things other than sex u can do to get intimate. And it always doesnt only hafta be sexual stuff to get u close

on that note, dont listen to what ur friends say and dont get pressurised by them. Only do what YOU feel is right.

Rnger

wow.... some crazy responses here imo

its not a big deal, its just sex. enjoy yourself while your young

dame

Rnger wrote:

wow.... some crazy responses here imo

its not a big deal, its just sex. enjoy yourself while your young

Ignore this loser. Yes, you're quite right to wait until it feels right OP. Once it's gone you can never get it back and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin, in fact the opposite is true, it's a great thing! I bet even some of your friends who lost their virginity in relationships are disappointed at how and where and when they did it, (ie a rush job when parents were out or something). It is definitely something to be savoured and if you get together with some randomer you are definitely going to be disappointed.

Cake Fiend

Well, you're not quite a 40-year-old spinster virgin surrounded by cats just yet, so there's no need to panic. On the other hand, maybe you shouldn't build it up too much and expect more than can be delivered.

It's a life-changing experience that you'll remember forever.
And, at one and the same time, it's only a shag (and quite possibly will be a disappointing one at that).

Marksie

af_thefragile wrote:

This thread disgusts me!!
!

whoa, shooting from the hip partner..pardon the pun.

OP: The issue of when and how you lose your virginity is dependent really on what you feel inside.
If you are comfortable with yourself and with waiting then the likelihood is that when you do lose it it will be with someone who actually cares and the experience will be more enjoyable, meaningful and natural.
However, if you are simply desperate to lose it with anyone, it is likely that the experience will be one you will not wish to recall.

The issue of age does not really come into it as, if you are properly self aware, it will happen when its ready and be better for it.

Beruthiel

dame wrote:

Ignore this loser.

It's his point of view. There is no need for the personal abuse.
Read this forums charter.
B

Dudess

Lorax wrote:

Its pushing it a bit

What complete and utter shÍte!

Lorax wrote:

but defo not too old..

Oh the relief! 20 isn't too old, so you're ok! :rolleyes:

OP, well done to you. You obviously know exactly what you want in this regard, which is very admirable for someone so young. And because you want to wait til you meet the right person, then do yourself justice - don't just shag a random guy who you don't really fancy to get it over with. That's not what you want, it's what you believe other people expect of you. Not enough of a reason to compromise, in my book. To be fair, there are some people who don't see sex as much of a big deal and treat it as recreational, which is cool. But different strokes for different folks. You shouldn't feel any pressure to be like other people. It's all down to the individual - not some social pattern, which is, sadly, what we're increasingly being led to believe when it comes to sex. Look at the culture in which we live, for God's sake! Sex is used to sell flipping toothpaste! Christina Aguilera's Dirrty video (ridiculously explicit) was being shown on children's TV when it came out and that was about five years ago! Look at the Pussycat Dolls and loads of rap videos now! MTV will bleep out "swear" words like "ass" and "crap" at 1am, but it has no qualms about showing teenage girls during the day with their bums and boobs hanging out and simulating fellatio on some guy. :rolleyes:
But back on topic: I was going to say that maybe 45 and still being a virgin would be pushing it, but then I thought, hang on a second! Who am I to say that ANY age is pushing it? Where exactly are the rules on the age at which one should lose one's virginity? (well ok, I don't think kids under 17 should be losing their virginity because that's all they are - kids).
I'm at a stage now where I can see it from your perspective. I'm in my late 20s and have reached a point where I too don't want to just sleep with anyone - I at least have to really, really fancy them (and REALLY fancy them - not just drunkenly fancy, because everyone's gorgeous after a few beers!) I used to think sex wasn't a big deal but that phase of my life has passed. I'm not saying that to be preachy at all and I'm certainly not ashamed of my past. It's not like I've undergone a big "conversion" or anything. But I no longer want to go through the embarrassment and awkwardness of the morning after when I just want to run or get rid of the guy and never see him again. I've got to a stage where I'll only consider it worth doing if I DO want to see the guy again.
Seems like that's the way you feel, so don't change for anyone.
Oh, and by the way, I lost my virginity when I was 18. I know that's younger than you are, but I, being very silly and naive, thought I was shoving on and better get it over with because my mates had all lost theirs at 15, 16, 17 and I felt pressure to catch up (sound familiar?!) So I had sex with some random guy one night after a good bit to drink. I wasn't insanely drunk and a condom was used, but my God, it was crap. I didn't feel used or dirty or any of that stuff that, apparently, girls are supposed to feel (but not guys :rolleyes:) but I regretted it because it was so disappointing and pointless. If I could do it all again, I would have waited until my early to mid 20s.
Anyway, the very best of luck, and don't you worry one little bit!

missmatty

I agree. I waited till i was 21 with my first serious boyfriend and i'm glad as i have no regrets at all now. I 've had some one night stands and to be honest they are awful really. Especially for a girl as the guy won't be bothered making sure that you've 'enjoyed' yourself as long as they get theirs. Plus lots of drink usually involved.

LegacyUser

'Personally the idea of a virgin girlfriend is attractive.

I don't have to imagine you doing 'pete on the pooltable' or anyone else,
I know you dont have any dodgy infections,
I feel priviliged to be your first,
I dont have to worry about being worse than the last guy.'

boyoboy

boyoboy wrote:

'Personally the idea of a virgin girlfriend is attractive.

I don't have to imagine you doing 'pete on the pooltable' or anyone else,
I know you dont have any dodgy infections,
I feel priviliged to be your first,
I dont have to worry about being worse than the last guy.'

You think someone else should stay a virgin just because you're insecure?

Black Swan

The first time is special. So be with someone special and not a randomer. You will always remember it.

printofireland

ok, maybe a little off topic here, but i've been going out with a girl for a few weeks now, nothing too serious, but it looks like we could be doing it on Valentine's day - i presume i should tell her I am a virgin, right?

dame

printofireland wrote:

ok, maybe a little off topic here, but i've been going out with a girl for a few weeks now, nothing too serious, but it looks like we could be doing it on Valentine's day - i presume i should tell her I am a virgin, right?

If it's nothing too serious (and you both know that) and aren't expecting it to go anywhere then it doesn't really matter if you tell her or not. If you think you would like a lasting relationship with her then honesty in all things is the best policy.

arbeitsscheuer

Well, I'm 21 and the only one left in my group of mates that's still a virgin. Like the OP, it can sometimes get me down (mainly whenever conversation veers towards the topic of sex n the like) but, having said that, it weighs a lot less heavily on my mind than it used to. Probably because I've got other more important stuff to worry about (and I worry a lot - it's an unpleasant characteristic). But anyway...

Now, this is only my, relatively inexperienced and therefore uninformed take on this, but I wouldn't rush into sex with the first 'randomer' who catches your eye. Good things come to those who wait. Allegedly.

ianmc38

I think a poll is obviously the best means of finding the answer.

Regarding the OP, do it when you feel like it and don't let the actions or thoughts of others influence you in anyway.

togster

Rnger wrote:

wow.... some crazy responses here imo

its not a big deal, its just sex. enjoy yourself while your young

look dont get caught up in what other people think you should do including some of those suggesting that you should wait. Sex is a personal issue and at the end of the day its up to you to decide whats right. I lost mine at 16 and never regretted it but i know people including guys who had an awful first time. Take it as it comes.

AthAnRi

af_thefragile wrote:

This thread disgusts me!!
Whats the big deal if you are a still virgin?! thats a good thing!! and u are only 20!
Sex is not some small thing u can play around with. Once you lose or take away someones virginity, u can never get it back. Losing your virginity is a big thing imo and i think you should only give it away to the person you really love and wanna spend the rest of your life with. Not some random guy you met at a club and humped cuz u were desperate!!!

Being a virgin is not something demeaning! Its shows you are sensible enuf to wait for the right person to give it off to and not some desperate horny teenager who went around humping anything on two legs cuz you just wanted to get rid of it!

Its always better wait for the right person to give away ur viginity to rather than giving away to someone u were hardly close to and then regretting it later! It always feels better to be close and get intimate with the person you trully love, trust and know u're gonna spend the rest of ur life with.

Sooo... Dont be desperate! be sensible and wait for the right person and only let him take away ur viginity after u're completey sure he's the person u're gonna spend the rest of ur life with and not someone who's gonna leave u in a few months for the hot chick he met the other day...!!

I don't understand how this thread could disgust you? I find it quiet refreshing that so many people are understanding to the OPs dilema. the vast majority of people believe she is doing the right thing by waiting. The fact the she herself feels under pressure to lose is more than reason enough for her to seek advise. It's also refreshing that there are a lot more people like her on here also.

From a male point of view It is certainly not something that would put me off a girl, in fact it is probably something that would attract me to her even more. To the OP I say fair play. Your certainly not a loser.