To all the girls out there

highsandlows

hey all.

Im just wondering to any of the other girls out there have a fear of geting pregnant?? Im 20 years of age and I am a virgin. From a very early age when I started going to discos etc I always had a fear that even if i guy touched me in any way I would get pregnant. I always had irregular periods and when they didnt come for a couple of months I use to always fear that I would be pregnant even though I know myself that I have never slept with any one, but have come close to doing so.

The problem with this obsession is I dont feel comfortable around men. I am in a new relationship with a guy now and I think I will have to break if off with him as I have a genuine fear of sex including any intimacy in any way. Its terrible.

A couple of weeks I stayed over in my boyfriends house. Eventually we went to bed, I was to have my own room. I was just about to get in to bed when my boyfriend knocked on the door and asked if he could come in. I didnt mind, didnt think he would stay for long. The thing is he got in to the bed beside me. After talkin for a while he started to kiss me. To be honest I fell asleep, i kinda wanted to on porpose so he wouldnt get the idea that I wanted to go any further. After around an hour or two, I woke up and he had put my hand on his penis, and it was hard when I woke. The thing is I am afraid he may have cum on my hand and when I would of got up to go to the toilet and of course cleaned myself after that I may of made myself pregnant. Its funny as I am writing this I feel so stupid, but im so worried. He was cuddling into me to and im just petrified that I could be pregnant...words cant explain.
With result from all this I have to stop seeing this guy, I cant look him in the eye anymore, in fact I feel sick about the whole thing...Have I anything to be worried about??
Sorry if this post is confussing..im new to this...i think i just need to get all these worries off my chest.

Talliesin

Worrying about pregnancy is normal and within certain levels a good thing as they inform your choices.

Worry about pregnancy beyond what is rational is a phobia. It's different to normal worries about unwanted pregnancy just as cynophobia is different to being worried if a large agressive dog has it's jaws around your throat.

I'd recommend you get professional help.

RealJohn

A close friend of mine also had a somewhat irrational fear of getting pregnant so I have a fair idea where you're coming from.

To put your mind at ease (somewhat), the chances of him cumming and you not knowing are small so the chances of you getting pregnant like that are even smaller.

However, you are absolutely right to stop seeing the guy. What he did to you isn't far from indecent assault and you don't need to be with that kind of guy. I also wouldn't recommend spending a night alone with any guy until you're sure you can trust him. If the guy cares enough for you, he won't have a problem with that. If he doesn't care that much for you, you can do better.

<edit> While I wouldn't rule out professional help, I think it might be excessive. Some people seem to think anything that makes you slow to have sex is some kind of problem. If you meet someone you love and are comfortable with and you're still terrified, then it might be a problem. Right now, you just might not be ready for that kind of relationship. That isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Cake Fiend

RealJohn wrote:

Right now, you just might not be ready for that kind of relationship. That isn't necessarily a bad thing.

No, but endlessly obsessing over pregnancy is. I'd also recommend talking to someone who might be able to help you get over this phobia.

But that's not your only problem - a bloke who would fiddle with you while you sleep, particularly after you explained your discomfort with physical intimacy, needs to be a) kicked to the curb and preferably b) named and shamed to your and his friends. Option c), tell the police, mightn't be a bad idea either.

Boston

RealJohn wrote:

What he did to you isn't far from indecent assault and you don't need to be with that kind of guy.

Oh come on. You're really reaching there. You share a bed together and hands might end up purely be accident where they shouldn't be. I remember, apparently snuggling (at least I hope that was all) into a friend of mine while past out on a couch. It was perfectly innocent.

Webmonkey

Boston wrote:

Oh come on. You're really reaching there. You share a bed together and hands might end up purely be accident where they shouldn't be. I remember, apparently snuggling (at least I hope that was all) into a friend of mine while past out on a couch. It was perfectly innocent.

Come on now, she didn't agree to sharing the bed. I dont' like the sound of this guy, if he had any decency he would have asked to spend the night with her not do that

Boston

No she didn't. He asked her and she agreed.

Sangre

Go on the pill.

CherieAmour

Going on the pill is only hiding something that should be faced, that being your fear of getting pregnant. It also doesn't suit everybody or protect you from STDs.

My heart goes out to you OP, but I do think you are unduly worried about getting pregnant and it's getting in the way of potentially important experiences and relationships in your life and your enjoyment of them - NOT with this guy though. I'm afraid I'm with the people who are criticising him. His behaviour was COMPLETELY unacceptable and it is better that you are no longer with someone who would do that to you while they THINK you are asleep.

Once you are very careful outside of actual intercourse you should be fine but even with the use of contraception during intercourse, nothing is 100% guaranteed.

Sperm doesn't last long outside of the body so I can't imagine you going to the loo after what happened could have done any damage (feel free to correct me anyone who knows otherwise...)

Just relax and try to stop thinking and worrying about it. If you stop yourself every time you know that the level of your worry is unreasonable, you'll eventually shake the fear. If not, perhaps you should talk to somebody about it.

ApeXaviour

Boston wrote:

Oh come on. You're really reaching there. You share a bed together and hands might end up purely be accident where they shouldn't be. I remember, apparently snuggling (at least I hope that was all) into a friend of mine while past out on a couch. It was perfectly innocent.

Agreed.

CherieAmour wrote:

His behaviour was COMPLETELY unacceptable

While unromantic and not very refined of him I wouldn't go that far. I mean come on... They're boyfriend-girlfriend in bed beside eachother, if they're snuggling it's gonna be touching some part of her body. The poor kid's obviously frustrated to pieces. And of course you can't rule out accidental placement, she said she was asleep for an hour or two, maybe she did it? I know of no man who would remove a hand from that position in those circumstances (except for two reasons: he found it distracting and say... wanted to get to sleep or he had to leave)

tbh... falling asleep while your bf is kissing you is much worse. A friend of mine did that (a man) once and she completely went through the roof over it.

Sangre wrote:

Go on the pill.

Agreed.

CherieAmour wrote:

Going on the pill is only hiding something that should be faced, that being your fear of getting pregnant.

That's all great but what would you suggest...?

I have an irrational fear of splitting my head open when I'm cycling. Should I seek professional help? Or should I just wear a helmet...

Talliesin

RealJohn wrote:

While I wouldn't rule out professional help, I think it might be excessive.

How else do you deal with a phobia?

RealJohn wrote:

Some people seem to think anything that makes you slow to have sex is some kind of problem. If you meet someone you love and are comfortable with and you're still terrified, then it might be a problem. Right now, you just might not be ready for that kind of relationship. That isn't necessarily a bad thing.

What has that got to do with worrying when someone merely touches you in a club?

ApeXaviour wrote:

I have an irrational fear of splitting my head open when I'm cycling. Should I seek professional help? Or should I just wear a helmet...

What use is a helmet going to be if you suffering from an irrational fear of cracking your head open? A helmet helps you deal with the real risk of cracking your head open, put a helmet on someone with such a fear, put them on a bike, and watch how long it takes for them to leg it away from the bike.

Boston

This girl thinks touching a penis (probably on top of clothing) could get her preggers. Thats not right.

Yes he pressured her into letting him into her bed, but sometimes you need to give a people a little push because the other person is either unable or unwilling to take steps themselves.

To the Op; you should break it off with the guy, I mean you take no responsibility for any physical between you two, and you have no interest.

Sangre

She already dumped him.

Boston

I think I will have to break if off with him

2

Zapho

Ok going to the police might be over doing it a little. True, the guy really
stepped over the line and really should have understood the OPs discomfort and
kept his hands to himself, but I think just breaking up with him would be enough
of a punishment. As far as I'm concerned, when a girl says no, it means no.
(Although I hope the OP wasn't exaggerating the story a little...)

At the same time OP, you have to realise that your future boyfriends are going
to want to have sex with you at some stage and unfortunately they will get
frustrated as a result. I completely understand your situation, for your own
sake you have to sort out your fear. Maybe you could talk to a GP
who could explain the risks to you and recommend different types of contraception?

Boston

This thread is really getting to me.

• She had her hand on his crotch. Not the otherway around. As such she either persums he put it there, or was awake when he moved her hand, which leads to
• No where does it say she said no. She didn't say no to coming into the room, she didn't say no to sharing a bed and she didn't say no to kissing him. Which btw is being made out to be a one sided thing here.

Once I shared a bed with a young lady, apparently I touched her breasts, though not as I recall. It was all ok as she took it as an invite to reciprocate. Kinda awkward really.

Talliesin

If you share a bed with someone hands can end up in places you didn't intend them too. Normally this is just a tad embarassing though.

ApeXaviour

Yep that's true. Though if you're going with the person it's not/shouldn't be embarassing.

Zapho

Talliesin wrote:

If you share a bed with someone hands can end up in places you didn't intend them too. Normally this is just a tad embarassing though.

Too true. But anyway I think the main point of this story is the OPs fear of
pregnancy and not trying to decide if her bf took advantage.

LegacyUser

'When I was in my late teens there were two types of female contemporaries.

a) girls who would have shagged the first person who wandered along and didn't think twice about pregnancy.
b) girls who had an irrational fear of sex for fear of pregnancy.

I didn't assume either of them needed councilling. It was just bog standard young female things, that young females either worry about or don't.

OP there is nothing wrong with you in my opinion. A bit of sex education of the biological kind that goes into science would allay a lot of your fears,
you probably *practically* know a lot about it already but from your post where you say:

OP wrote:

The thing is I am afraid he may have cum on my hand and when I would of got up to go to the toilet and of course cleaned myself after that I may of made myself pregnant. Its funny as I am writing this I feel so stupid, but im so worried. He was cuddling into me to and im just petrified that I could be pregnant...words cant explain.

I feel a talk with a doctor would really sort out a lot of what's in your head.

If you feel like your ready to have sex, as sangre said read up on and go on the pill a doctor will put aside all your fears with regards pregnancy and the pill.

If you don't feel like you're ready for sex then don't, there isn't anything wrong with you for making that decision either, because you have your whole life to have sex!

In saying that there isn't anything wrong with your boyfriend either.
What happened that night in bed is as Apex said, its not very romantic but fairly normal for those of us who can remember being 20.

Take a visit to the IFPA, or a doctor you can trust, and talk to the doctor about your fears, while you're there there is no harm asking about the pill either, you don't have to get it...but you can ask all the questions you want.

I doubt anyone here is qualified or knows enough about your situation for you to take any notice of those who tell you you need councilling.
IMO you don't...but a doctor would help you out with your worries.

Best of luck and not to worry, go to a doctor and tell him/her what you have told us. Biologically he/her will tell you the statistics on pregnancy in various circumstances.'

LegacyUser

'

if they're snuggling it's gonna be touching some part of her body.

yeah but he can't be putting her hand on his penis while she's SLEEPING. That would be without her consent.

OP, get rid of this guy, he can't be trusted to respect your boundaries.

I also was afraid of getting pregnant. My classmate got pregnant when she was 14, so I thought, yes it CAN happen to me. I didn't end up having sex till I was 28, but before that, I did other sexual things, and though I had some boyfriends who were frustrated, I had some who understood and let me do things I felt comfortable doing. Looking back, I think that 23-24 might have been a better time for me to start having sex, but whatever. You aren't ready till you're ready.

My advice to you is to get a book by Sue Johansen. She's a wonderful writer and she was a radio host and answered questions about sex. THe knowledge I got from her radio show allowed me to not be so afraid of sex, because I had lots of knowledge about it.'

Black Swan

You need to learn a bit more about your body's reproductive system, because you really are uninformed. Further, if this phoebia truly disrupts your life and your ability to have meaningful relationships, then counselling might help.

hunnymonster

OP, a couple of things struck me from your post. First of all, I hope some of the people above have ofered some advice you find useful. Phobia's are hard work and really drain your energy which is no fun.

What age were you when your periods started? They should be pretty regular by now if you're 20? Have you had this investigated by a doctor? This is especially true as you have had bouts of Amenorrhea. Often it's nothing serious and a couple of months on the contraceptive pill helps to regulate things.


The other thing I wanted to check is that you know the facts of human reproduction just in case confusion on this front is adding to your stress. For example, Sperm outside the human body (his or hers) have a very limited lifetime typically less than an hour and a general rule of thumb is that so long as the seminal fluid is still wet there are potentially "live" sperm in it.

highsandlows

Thanks to everyone who has replied so far. I actualy cried while reading all the replies, because I feel so stupid, yet the fear wont go away.
I think half my problem is lack of sexual experience. I guess im afraid that any physical relations can get me pregnant, and you know what as Im saying that my minds telling me that you cant yet I still have the fear.
I am not going to use the reasons for 'that night' to dump my boyfriend, in fact Im just going to say things are not working out...I cnt look him in the face anymore. I think I was as much to blame as he was that night...i did give him permission to come in...but when I look back I think he was kinda pervy about the whole thing.
I think I am going to go and have a chat with my Doctor too.

Boston

You should make it very clear from the start with anybody you're going out with your sexual boundaries. Have you ever talked about sex or sexual acts with someone?

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

CherieAmour

ApeXaviour wrote:

They're boyfriend-girlfriend in bed beside eachother, if they're snuggling it's gonna be touching some part of her body.

A boyfriend and girlfriend who have not yet had sex. That physical comfortableness and familiarity is not there in this case.

ApeXaviour wrote:

That's all great but what would you suggest...?

I suggest you re-read my post and note the 'suggestions' I made.

ApeXaviour wrote:

I have an irrational fear of splitting my head open when I'm cycling. Should I seek professional help? Or should I just wear a helmet...

As Talliesin already said, if your fear has reached unreasonable levels you might need help to get on the bike in the first place. Wearing a helmet might be enough to handle your fear, or you could still be worried about the helmet coming off, getting knocked down and killed regardless etc etc etc.

Anyway, OP, I'm glad that you've decided to have a chat with your doctor. Don't feel stupid! As long as something worries you, it's not stupid. There are plenty of girls in the same boat as you so you're not alone.

Best of luck!

Boston

OP, do you plan never to have kids?

Sangre

shocked834985 wrote:

'

yeah but he can't be putting her hand on his penis while she's SLEEPING. That would be without her consent.

OP, get rid of this guy, he can't be trusted to respect your boundaries.

My girlfriends lets me get into her bed. I obviously should sort out her boundaries before I touch her. 'Hey love, 2nd base groovy?'. How romantic. Very spur of the moment.
We also have no idea how her hand got there, anyway its a moot point.

Go on the pill to reduce your daily fear, read up the reproductive system and you'll gradually learn this is a very irrational fear.

Also to one poster, sperm can last a lot longer than 1 hour outside the body, typically 48-72 hours if it remains moist.

darkflower

Uhmm! I used to think kissing would impregnate a woman. Don't worry much okay? But I guess it would help if you seek for professional help.;)

hunnymonster

Sangre wrote:

Also to one poster, sperm can last a lot longer than 1 hour outside the body, typically 48-72 hours if it remains moist.

Sperm willl not survive long in something like water that is non-isotonic with semen. In fact it is quite difficult to produce the correct conditions outside of those specifically designed for it (i.e. the male and female reproductive systems). Have a look at all the development and refinement that was carried out in the production of suitable IVF conditions if you need more information.

daiixi

Oh my goodness. I have an ex boyfriend who used to wake me up in the middle of the night for sex even though he was asleep. Was I assaulted because I'd wake up with him touching me or did I rape him because I'd shag him while he was sleeping and then roll back over to sleep myself? (edit: yes he knew he did this and wasn't worried about it and it actually happens to a surprising number of people - ask your doctor). People, some of you need to get a grip.

Also, I can't remember the number of times I or an ex have woken each other up for a quickie or a long session.

The OP has admitted that she let her boyfriend in to the room and her bed. She could have asked him to leave at any time but she didn't. She hasn't said that she's explained to him her phobia of being intimate and getting pregnant so, presuming that she hasn't, so how is he to know? Yes he was being cheeky if he put her hand on his erect penis during the night but he didn't commit a crime by doing so. In any event she may have slid her hand there herself and worked him up (if you get my meaning).

I agree with Talliesin that the OP has a phobia and really should speak to someone about it because I don't see her getting over it on her own or just with the help of a PI thread.

OP to answer your question: maybe, maybe not. At the end of the day, like the adverts say, it only takes one sperm to become pregnant. Are you pregnant? Most probably not but if you're worried go see your doctor and get a pregnancy test. Ask for a recommendation to a good counsellor while you're there and get yourself on some birth control.

Lorax

He sexually harassed you without your consent, I would go straight to the gardai and report an attempted rape or sexual abuse.

CherieAmour

The pill is not the answer to everything!

highsandlows

I am not for one minute trying to say that my boyfriend assualted me. I only wanted to tell the storey as it was..i agree I should of woken up and told him to get out of my room but I thought by sleeping in the same bed as him I would gradually get over my fears, because at the end of the day I dont think my worries and fears about this are rational.

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

Nevyn

Lorax, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

spinandscribble

i used to have the same unrational thoughts as the op, sperm on hand, going to the toilet extra. going on the pill made me less scared and once you have sex use condoms as a back up. in the mean time with your next bf explain your boundaries because i get the idea your bf didnt know you were so hyped up about this type of thing. i alway let my bf know my fears and that meant they were careful not to be clumsy. how else is he suppose to know? he's not a mind reader.
you hadnt touched him before i persume?
it wasnt classly and reminds me of the time a guy i was semi friends/thinking of dating pushed me on top of him while lying on the grass so i'd feel his erection. at the time i thought it was funny if not stupid and immature of a guy in his early 20s but now it makes me want to punch him in the nuts. assault? no. i was awake and could berate him after.
sometimes my bf wakes me up by touching me or taking my hand to his cock, for me i like to wake up this way but he never asked me for consent. does this mean he assaulted me? uh, no. no it doesnt. but if you had never done anything like that before then it definately crosses the line of what is and isnt decent.
dont use this as an excuse to dump the guy. i think you're frighten of men. tell him you know what happened and how upset you are as a result and come clean about your fears. i doubt he'll have had any idea you were so scared and be completely surprised. if you still cant look him in the eyes after he says sorry and promises not to do it again then call it a day. if he is nasty about it you can dump him and feel justified

Webmonkey

sometimes my bf wakes me up by touching me or taking my hand to his cock, for me i like to wake up this way but he never asked me for consent. does this mean he assaulted me? uh, no. no it doesnt.

Well in all fernous, you and your boyfriend are in different situations than the OP and her boyfriend. You are clearly comfortable with your boyfriend, and i presume you already had sex so theres nothing that wrong with it then.
But with the OP, things are a lot different. This was i presume the first time they were in same bed. They had never done anything sexual than kiss I would imagine (OP correct me if i'm wrong here) so I really don't think it was appropiate for the boyfriend to do what he did, knowing (and i think it was obvious by the way she describes it) that she was not ready/in mood or what ever.
Anyways i suppose its not what she came here to talk about so we better get back onto the main topic.

Freckles123

I think the OP here clearly wants to know if she can become pregnant from this situation or not.

spinandscribble

i did indeed say her circumstance was different as they hadnt done anything i just didnt like how everyone was jumping on the assault bandwageon.

anyway to the op, no its unlikely your preggy unless while cleaning yourself you inserted your finger or fingers into your vagina and that he indeed had cum on your hand.
if his penis was hard its unlikely he had ejaculated simply from you touching him, most guys need more effort then that.
as for precum, i looked into this on wiki awhile ago and it isnt actually sperm but it contains traits of it.
im sure you're not preggy and the best advice anyone can give you is go on the pill (it'll ease your mind), always wash your hands and dont allow his hands anywhere near your vagina if he has sperm on his hands.
when i say he, i mean any guy in the future

CherieAmour

Again, more people recommending the pill.

I know I've said this already, but the pill is not for everyone. The OP may not be physically compatible with it, it could leave her with some bad side effects and I know people who have had a terrible time trying to get pregnant after coming off it.

Plus, her irrational fear will still exist, undealt with.

OP, it would be better for you to become as educated as possible about sexual relations and situations whereby you are likely to become pregnant and where you are not. Then you will be in a position to make an educated decision about what contraception is best for you.

spinandscribble

the fear will still exist but it will have been dealt with if she takes measures by which to feel safer. she'll only go off it when she wants kids and by then she'd hardly be scared.
as far as unsuitablity goes, most girls are suitable, even at a low dose. yes it has side effects but thats why women switch to pills that suit them.

i was in the same shoes as the op a few mths ago, my first bf was as careful as me with sperm whereas my current bf is a bit clumsy and was misguided with sex ed. it annoyed the bejayus outa me that i had to remind him over and over again not to use *that hand* because he was forgetful and i had to take all the responsiblity for both of us.

then i told him how uncomfortable it all made me and how i found it harder to enjoy myself as i was constantly thinking for the both of us. since then i've lightened up as he's now taking his fair share of the responiblity.

going on the pill just boosted my safety confidence after we planned to have sex.

if the op can be frank with her guy and have him ACTUALLY listen and do his best she will calm down. eventually when she plans to have sex she can be on the pill and use condoms. its as safe as she can be without not having sex at all.

if even the thought of being on the pill and using extra safe condoms while having sex still fills her with irrational fear then she needs more help then usinf common sense when messing with male fluids

Húrin

highsandlows wrote:

After around an hour or two, I woke up and he had put my hand on his penis, and it was hard when I woke.

This fella is a creep to do that! That's not normal!

But how did you end up going out with a man if you're afraid of them?

LegacyUser

Sangre wrote:

My girlfriends lets me get into her bed. I obviously should sort out her boundaries before I touch her. 'Hey love, 2nd base groovy?'. How romantic. Very spur of the moment.
We also have no idea how her hand got there, anyway its a moot point.
QUOTE]

Well if the 2 people are an established couple, great, this would not be a big deal, it might be great for a laugh, whatever.

But if the girl doesn't even want to have sex yet, well, I don't think it's kind for a guy to do stuff like that. He seems to want to hurry things along, thinking that he knows better than her, once she tries it she'll like it, etc and crap like that. Puts her hand on his penis one time, next time maybe she'll wake up and he'll be on top of her.

I see 2 issues: 1) she has fears 2) this guy is not even respecting her fears