my mother

insane drummer

right heres the deal, me and my ma, we don't get along very well at all., always fighting with each other, telling each other to **** off, her calling me a lazy bastard that i don't work hard enough in school (and im aiming for 590 points in the lc this year) and that i don't deserve my girlfriend in my life at all, (they get on well) all this followed by me telling her to go **** herself and calling her a cow.

we havn't got on that well since ive been about 5. if i split a bit of milk on my jumper whilst taking a drink, getting screamed at and probably a slap across d arse! so its not something new

well its just getting worse and worse, and my dad dosn't help, there not married but live in the same house, and separate rooms. he tells her to **** off and leave her alone at times to, and dosn't answer the phone to her, but tells me its wrong, (which i know it is, but i get angry, which is natural). the fact that hes being hypocritical annoys me too.

but anyways, today she lost the head at me, telling me i didn't deserve my gf and that as punishment my gf wasn't aloud up to the house for a week, because i let my 5 year old sister draw a picture for me on a copy and she got a tiny bit of pen on her new jumper. i lost the head with her as usual. am i being provoked or dose it seam that im out of line? any ideas on what to do. im 17 atm, if that makes a difference!

LegacyUser

Hey!

I have to say that sounds a tough situation, and Im in the very same myself. Im in second yr of college and Im home for Xmas (going back tomorrow though thank God) but don't get on with my mother at all, there are many rows in my house and shes the catalyst for them all. Like you, this has been going on since I was very young.

First of all, dont blame yourself, if its happening with your dad also, then she clearly goes on a mission to provoke a reaction, so the best thing to do is try and stay calm and count to ten, and just ingnore her or answer in simple 'yes' and 'no' terms. When she tells you to **** off she wants you to do the same back so that she can lay equal blame on you. It must be very hard for you when you have the pressure of exams coming up, maybe try not to be at home as much as possible? Can you study in a local library or can you study in school at the evenings? The last thing you need is stress like this at home when you have a very important year coming up. However, on that topic, remember, in september you will most probably be leaving home, and you will be free of the pressures of living with your mother, you will have your own life and you can live it how you wish, if you can just keep this in mind as a focus then this will certainly help, its what got me through the Leaving Cert, just the knowledge that the end was in sight and Id soon have my own life.

Her behaviour regarding your girlfriend is completely childish, shes clearly just using her against you as she knows you'd want to see her. I have to admit Im not too sure what to say regarding that situation, if your both in school together you may just have to take that as an oppertunity to see her and if you are studying there afterwards, as your mother is clearly going to continue to be unreasonable in regards to letting you see her. Is it possible though thats shes worried about the amount of time you spend together with your Leaving Cert coming up? Hypocritical I know.......

Anyway OP, I wish you the best, and just try and remain calm and if you cant just go for a walk, anything, just get away for a bit and try and think.

Best of luck with the studying!

ARGINITE

Well it takes two to tango, from your post it all seems very one sided.

What was the reason that she got mad at you today?

If your dad acting like a hypocrite annoys you then take a step back and make sure your not doing the same thing.

dvega

Your aiming for very high points in the lc this year and that has to be your number one priority,your pre's are only around the corner,does she leave you study in peace?If not i suggest you go to a relation or friends and if she still doesnt leave you study i suggest tell a teacher or another adult.Sit down and have a chat with her about how this is affecting you and your school work,after all remember as soon as you finish your leaving you can head on to college and maybe move out.

if you dont get the points you want remember its another year at home.So do something about it now.

insane drummer

ooh no im honestly not saying that im an angel! im far from it when it comes to her, today she got mad because i gave my sister the pen to draw and she got a tiny dot on her new jumper, which wiped off.

also yesterday i had to get a fitness test done in my gym, and i got up at 8 to do about a hour study before i went as i was goin 2 Dublin at 12, so i wanted to do some before and after. when i told her i was going to the gym 4 a half hour, she lost the head and didn't believe i did any study at all, even though she had in fact been asleep until 5 minutes before i went to the gym. she lost the head because i was "dropping my studies"

and today, i had to get money from the atm for her and i was supposed to get it last night, but it totally slipped my mind. i said today that i would give her the money and id get it out of the atm for myself later because i was studding. but today she wanted me to stop studding because she needed something.

i wouldn't mind canceling the test and booking it for another time., but because of people loosing weight before and after Christmas, (feeling guilty for eating so much) it took me weeks to get a time that i wasnt in school and during the holidays.

i do lose the head with her like that too, but its just because its what were used to doing now. im not sayin im an angel, but it has been going on for a long time, and i only started to relly do it the last 5 or so years, and before that she was still at it,.

any ideas?

insane drummer

dvega wrote:

if you don't get the points you want remember its another year at home.So do something about it now.

ooh no i don't need that many, i need something in the mid 400s, but im aiming that high so i do my best.

Steve01

ooh no i don't need that many, i need something in the mid 400s, but im aiming that high so i do my best.

Good thinking, same deal with me.

By the looks of things all yourself and your mother do is shout the heads off each other. Best solution I can think of is try and have the calmest, most civilised conversation possible with her about how this is effecting you. If she doesn't listen and loses the rag again, take solace in the fact that you can move far and away when college time comes around later this year. Someone else suggested that you try studying at a friends house, I think this is a great idea. Or do what I do and study in the library

Also, just checking your myspace profile. Good to see your a fellow drummer who alse likes Smashing pumpkins, foo fighters and pearl jam. rock on!

Rb

I used to fight with my mom constantly, and when she was stressed because of work or something she'd often get pissed off over nothing and start a screaming match with me, over little or nothing. I used to lose the head about it, but found out as I got older that the best way of dealing with it is to keep a level head and stay calm about it. Try and just talk (not shout) rationally about whatever it is the fight is about, and if she insists on raising her voice or being completely ignorant about it then just walk away and leave her to calm down by herself. You losing the head while she's having a fit will do absolutely nothing but cause a massive unnecessary row. As hard as it is, keep calm and keep your voice down and just talk, if she starts screaming, refuse to discuss it with her and tell her you'll talk to her when shes ready to calm down and walk away.

Its hard enough though, its an awful lot easier to just start shouting back at her but it accomplishes nothing.

Good luck with it anyway.

cmahon

I know what it's like to be at odds with your parents, but it's much easier when you go to college (especially if you move away like I did). Me and my mam get on so much better since I've left home. My advice is to keep your head down, try not to be the first one to raise your voice. This is one of the most important years of your life and you don't need the stress of endless shouting matches. I feel a little bit sorry for your ma, it sounds like she might be jealous of your relationship with your gf, especially because her relationship with your dad isn't so good...

darkflower

insane drummer wrote:

right heres the deal, me and my ma, we don't get along very well at all., always fighting with each other, telling each other to **** off, her calling me a lazy bastard that i don't work hard enough in school (and im aiming for 590 points in the lc this year) and that i don't deserve my girlfriend in my life at all, (they get on well) all this followed by me telling her to go **** herself and calling her a cow.

we havn't got on that well since ive been about 5. if i split a bit of milk on my jumper whilst taking a drink, getting screamed at and probably a slap across d arse! so its not something new

well its just getting worse and worse, and my dad dosn't help, there not married but live in the same house, and separate rooms. he tells her to **** off and leave her alone at times to, and dosn't answer the phone to her, but tells me its wrong, (which i know it is, but i get angry, which is natural). the fact that hes being hypocritical annoys me too.

but anyways, today she lost the head at me, telling me i didn't deserve my gf and that as punishment my gf wasn't aloud up to the house for a week, because i let my 5 year old sister draw a picture for me on a copy and she got a tiny bit of pen on her new jumper. i lost the head with her as usual. am i being provoked or dose it seam that im out of line? any ideas on what to do. im 17 atm, if that makes a difference!

uhuh. i could imagine how active your family circle is. i guess you're just at the age when you try going against authority. that time would come to pass though. and when you become PARENT like yours, you'll understand why.:cool:

LundiMardi

Why not try and be the adult instead of shouting back? If there's a row brewing then leave teh room, leave the house... But shouting back will just provoke a reaction.

Nevyn

It could be that your mother is going through The Change of life, ie the menupause.
It is pretty much about two years of your body doing things on you that you don't expect and like having pms a lot of the time ( well from what my mother told me )

The best thing you can do is not get into it with her.
Disfuse the situation if she has a go because of something trival she see as your fault take a deep breath say sorry and leave the room.
If she is persistant and starts following about the house go for a walk.

Sam Vimes

my dad's the same. we had screaming matches for years. it was really bad for my mother who would always be put in the middle. i'd tell her what he said and he'd make up my side of the conversation to make it seem like i'd done something wrong and tell her some lies.

one day i realised that he's a f*ckhead and will always be a f*ckhead no matter what i say to him. now when he starts going on about all my failings and how i should do everything his way and how fantastic he is and his latest epsiode of "standing up for himself", i.e. screaming at some helpless shop assistant for no reason, i just agree and leave the room at the earliest oppurtunity. better for all concerned

Catari Jaguar

Wow, I thought I was the only one with a mental parent!

Thaed, he says his mam's been like this since he was a kid so I doubt it's menopause.

OP, just leave the room when it starts or say CALMLY, "I'm not going to argue about this" and say nothing after, you'll seem adult and she'll prob shut up when she realises she won't get a reaction.

If the girlf is used as blackmail, just hang around in her house or outside. Study in the library, and if possible could you stay with another relation.

I was kicked out and have been staying in my gran's with one of my female cousins. I still can't stand to be in same room as my dad and have huge fights from time to time but I try now to just walk off or sit there thinking about other stuff while he lectures me for 2 hours

Beruthiel

Thaedydal wrote:

It could be that your mother is going through The Change of life, ie the menupause.

I would have bet money that my mother was going through the same thing when I was a teenager. Though insane drummer, I would never, ever have gotten away with verbal abuse like you throw at yours.

Sounds to me like there's a pair of ye in it. Your Ma needs to relax big time. However you will never be the one to tell her that, unless you have a death wish.
Talking back at her is just a red rage to a bull.
I just kept out of my mothers way at the time and spent most of my time in my room.
I suggest you bite your tongue when she starts, don't rise to it, say nothing at all, a person can only rant for so long when there's nobody to bounce off. If there's anyway possible to move out of the house when you start college, do it. Until then, keep the head down.

tbh

Not wishing to be patronising, but I don't think it's the end of your relationship with your mam or anything. You are at the age where you reckon you know what's best for you to do, your mam still thinks of you as the lovely little 3-year old chap you used to be. It'll pass, it'll get to a stage where you won't want to turn every issue into a fight, and neither will she.

daithimac

me and my da can be the same. he can be a dick and trys to shift his responsibility over to me when things go wrong. I adjusted my behaviour and we get on much better now

the one thing I would advise you is not to allow yourself to become like your mother. your nearly a grown man and if you want to win with her then maybe try a course of unilateral disengagement. look at her as a person and see her failings and why she is such an aggressive person. start pointing it out to her when she gets on your case. your parents sleep in seperate rooms and argue all the time. who is she to give you relationship advice.
also learn to laugh at her. she is excerciseing as much power over you as she can so the idea that you don't respect her of take her seriously would be totally enraging.
Finally I would say don't concentrate on this crap in the run up to your leaving. you have a bright future ahead if you apply yourself in the next few months, don't let this self-important yoke become a distraction which will effect your points.
REMEMBER: DO NOT BECOME LIKE HER!!!!!!!

Sam Vimes

my mother is gone away for a few days. last night my dad gave me a tenner so i could buy toilet roll on the way back from college. i forgot.

when i got home he asked for the money back, which i gave him. then he said very indignantly "well i'm not buying the toilet roll. you or your sister can but i'm not". this is of course after taking the money for it back (the household money, not his own).

rather than ask the inevitable question "why", and listen to a ten minute self-important speil about why everyone else is selfish except him i just said fair enough and came up here to tell all you boardsies.


also, last week i forgot to put petrol in the car and he called me selfish and lazy and said he'd never do something like that to someone. this from the man who purposely drives the car home with the needle touching the bottom at least once a month to teach my mother not to be so selfish by leaving him with only enough petrol to get home.

and if i ever call him on things like calling me selfish and lazy for forgetting something he says i'm trying to give him a heart attack. once i asked him to stop repeating everything everyone said on the tv, thereby stopping everyone in the room hearing the tv (one of his favourite habits). the argument ended with him saying that i threatened to stab him

if i hadn't learned to laugh at how pathetic the guy is one of us would have been dead by now


edit:slightly OT but i like to vent

Sam Vimes

turns out the reason he won't buy the toilet roll isn't to do with selfishness for once. he's just too embarrassed to buy it. a 65 year old man is afraid to go into a shop and buy toilet roll for fear of what the 16 year old behind the counter will think


the two of us were supposed to be bringing the christmas tree to the recycling place today. earlier i jokingly said we should just break it up and throw it on the compost heap. i made it clear at the time it was a joke. just now i saw him tying the tree to the car and asked why he hadn't asked me to help since he wouldn't let me carry it out the back on my own last night because it weighs a whole ten kilos and i could get a hernia.

he said "you clearly aren't interested in helping. you kept on saying it".

i was about to let him get on with it when i noticed that he'd only tied it to the car by four flimsy branches and it fell off when i lightly pushed it so i re-tied it in a non-retarded way and he's off to the recycling place on his own because he's retarded.

this is fun

DAVE_K

parents are regular people - some are @ssholes and some are not. You just get into a situation where as they're in authority you end up thinking they're always right - they are not.
I look back on some of the sh1t my parents have done to me (i'm 33 now) and still think "jeez they were well out of order".
I had a particular incident when i was 14 - it was about 8 o'clock in the evening and at 5 that day in my company my best friend had drowned (long story, not relevant to thread). I was up in my room sticking up posters on my walls (who knows why - why not?), my ma came up said "don't be doin that" I said "why not" and got beat around the place for answering back - this is like hours after I've been through one of the worst situations in my life....but you know being at that age I spent many an hour looking back trying to work out what exactly it was I did - now I know the answer - NOTHING.

A lot of people have mentioned you're off to university soon. I remember thinking "let me out of here quick" and I went to uni in the UK instead to get further away. What about funding though - are you going to be reliant on your ma for funding when you're gone, as this can be a real blackmail issue. i.e. do what I want or you won't get any money for college

free2fly

I didn't get along at all with my dad when we lived in the same house. We use to argue all the time. I didn't even think he really liked me much. And I learned to just bite my tongue and not answer him back. But after I moved out, and grew up a bit, we became very close. I'm sorry you don't get along with your parents OP. My dad passed nearly 4 years ago and mum passed this Christmas Day. All the fights seem so trivial now. I'd give anything to be able to argue with my dad now. Love your parents while they're here.

insane drummer

cmahon wrote:

I feel a little bit sorry for your ma, it sounds like she might be jealous of your relationship with your gf, especially because her relationship with your dad isn't so good...

this actually makes alot of sense cmahon. talked it over with my gf and seemingly shes thought it for the last few days too. well said it might be why.

Thaedydal wrote:

It could be that your mother is going through The Change of life, ie the menupause.
.

doubt its that shes only 43.

new edition to the things im not aloud to do. me being a 17 year old, thought it was perfectly fine for me to make lunch for myself the other day, got sum microwave pasta stuff. it was one of three. because i made it with out telling her im not aloud to open the fridge without prior permission,

this woman is nuts. :eek:

free2fly

insane drummer wrote:

new edition to the things im not aloud to do. me being a 17 year old, thought it was perfectly fine for me to make lunch for myself the other day, got sum microwave pasta stuff. it was one of three. because i made it with out telling her im not aloud to open the fridge without prior permission,this woman is nuts. :eek:

Yikes!! That is definitely OTT! :eek:

insane drummer

tell me about it, FREEK!!!

Sam Vimes

i've been looking for my keys for about a week. i've asked my entire family if they've seen them. i've been tearing the house apart looking for them. the other day i borrowed my dad's keys because i couldn't find them.

just now i was looking in the living room again and my dad decided to say "i found a set of keys a few days ago. i've been using them. i thought they were your mother's". i stared at him in disbelief for a few seconds and asked where he'd put them

i should get my own thread

your mother is a bit mental. a mate of mine who was 21 at the time was banned from eating in his room because he spilled milk. another friend's mother searches her room all the time and everyone in the house locks their bedroom doors. she once had the head bitten off her because she got her mother's bedroom door key and went in to borrow some deoderant or something.

you're not the only one with insane parents. most people i know have one insane parent and one normal one. its like malcolm in the middle


why is it that you need a licence to have a dog but not a child?

insane drummer

Commander Vimes wrote:

why is it that you need a licence to have a dog but not a child?

haha its true!:D

Anti

I have a similar relationship with my mother. The best thing to do is just walk away from the situation. Dont forget in one years time she can kick you out of the house. Even though you moving out is probably the best thing that can happen.

daithimac

this is just my experiance with my parents but I think if you show weakness then you are doing yourself a massive disservice. I don't know your mother but I know my father and if he thought that he could get away with it he would walk right over me just to show he could.
be strong
but remember to have a back up plan in place should the worst come to the worst

Sam Vimes

Commander Vimes wrote:

i've been looking for my keys for about a week. i've asked my entire family if they've seen them. i've been tearing the house apart looking for them. the other day i borrowed my dad's keys because i couldn't find them.

just now i was looking in the living room again and my dad decided to say "i found a set of keys a few days ago. i've been using them. i thought they were your mother's". i stared at him in disbelief for a few seconds and asked where he'd put them

i should get my own thread

update on this. i know no one cares but i'm saying it anyway turns out that my dad knew they were my keys but he couldn't find his own so he lied to me so he didn't have to give them back until he found his own. this from the man who calls everyone around him selfish 20 times a day for things that aren't selfish in any way, like forgetting to buy petrol


when i asked him how he could justify lying to me about them while simultaneously calling me selfish for nothing, he said "what was i supposed to do? i couldn't find my own". he honestly saw no problem in having me searching the house for a week straight and having to borrow other people's keys the whole time because he'd lied to me

CVimes: that's crazy... and mildly amusing, if you dont mind my saying so... hope it works out!

OP: Nothing else to do but be polite and patient and walk away whenever you have to, tbh. Move out when you can. Don't start yelling back etc, it won't help.

I never realised so many people in the world disliked their parents/didn't get on with them so much...

Laura Fitz06

ya poor thing i think maybe your mam hates your old man and because your male she dislikes you or she is just takeing her hatered for him out on you , or could be she is just a moan