My parents

Morutea

Hello all,

It is my first post

I want your thoughts on this:
Do you feel that because your parents may have supported you when you were younger, that you "owe" it to them to support them now?


(Pay the bills they run up etc, just because they did it for you when you were younger and unable to work)


Thanks.

byte

That would depend on their financial status and their ability to pay the bills.

Karoma

byte wrote:

That would depend on their financial status and their ability to pay the bills.

And mine. Yes, I consider it a debt. A debt must be repaid.

Jeebus

They were lucky to have me to be honest

seamus

If my parents require support now, or at any point in the future, I will support them because they're my parents, and I love them. I don't see an upbringing as a debt that needs to be repaid.

crosstownk

Karoma wrote:

And mine. Yes, I consider it a debt. A debt must be repaid.

I'd agree with this. And you're gonna have to the same for your own kids too.............

Ruu_Old

Karoma wrote:

And mine. Yes, I consider it a debt. A debt must be repaid.

Yep, I never felt good about my parents giving me money, at any stage of my life and as soon as I was old enough to make money (summer jobs or whatever) then I would give as much as I could back. My folks insisted that they didn't want any money back from me and considered money for college as an investment but I did anyway. I have supported them in troubled times and of course I would do so again.

abetarrush

Nope

I dont think kids owe their parents ANY money

My mam was like dat, bitch


Its ok to pay them back for raising you with presents n stuff, and of course, if they're ever stuck, help them out, but we dont have to pay back money

My Dad would never take money off me, unless i spend a couple of hundred on his C'card

And i'd never ask my kids for money to pay me back for raising them

popebenny16

I am busy telling my kids that already, its sort of like a cheap pension plan, really.

kizzyr

I don't think you should have to pay your parents back for every penny they ever spent on you. So the bought you clothes and food when you were 6 years old, you have to pay them back for that I don't think so.
I know in my house when I was growing up my parents bought us all of our clothes, food, school stuff etc but didn't do pocket money. Then when we were old enough (usually about 13 or 14) we were strongly encouraged to get part time jobs in a shop or babysitting for example. This money was then our own to buy any frivilous extras we wanted but food and clothes and basics like that were still paid for. We all moved out around the ages of 18 /19 for college and when there all paid for ourselves (the joy of the supposed no fee system). At times they'd call over with some groceries or something like that but nothing full time.
Then as we got older and had more financial means of our own (some of us more than others I'll admit) we in turn did nice stuff for our parents but thats because we love them and when you love someone you want to do nice things for them anyway not because you owe them, if thats the way you're looking at it then its not worth it IMHO

fish-head

Love is love, it can't be repaid as such.

simu

You don't have to pay back every cent because they would have gotten non-financial benefits such as emotional happiness from raising a kid but you should certainly support them if they're in need and you can afford to help them out.

Dooom

I agree with the helping them out if they're in need, or paying back loans they've given you. But when it comes to paying back every cent they've spent on you, well that's just a bit silly like.

daiixi

I don't believe I owe my parents anything. They chose to have children and any expense incurred because of that is their expense. I've also worked since before I was legally old enough to work, always done my fair share around the house and/or paid board to my parents. That said, if they were in financial difficulty I would of course help them out. However I wouldn't constantly bail them out if the difficulty was their fault and they refused to change their ways/get help (e.g. over spending on things they don't need or gambling).

madhitchhiker

No. i don't consider it a debt. i didn't ask to be born in the very first place so what they have provided me are my needs. i shouldn't be obliged to pay back in return. if i may choose so, it would be from my own will.

Binomate

I can't see how it could be considered a dept. It was their choice to concieve you, I mean you hardly asked them to do so. You didn't come down and appear to your parents in bed one night and say "Here, give us a birth there and ill get you back for it in a few years, cheers". They made the choice to have you, they took the responsibility to provide you with the things you need untill you can do so for yourself. You could even say, they forced you in to this world. It would hardly be fair if they force you to do something you never asked for then make you pay for it all.

Pigman II

Your parents paid for you, You'll be paying for your kids and they'll be paying for their kids. That's how it works.

Faith

I don't consider it a debt at all. Like others have said, they made the choice to give birth to us, we didn't ask to be born. If my parents ever need my help, I will give it to them, no questions asked, but it won't be because I "owe" them something, it will be because I love them.

cyberspi

once you are over 18 and earning your own money then you shouldn't be your parents financial responsability any more, and I try to pay back any large sums they give. it shouldn't be your parents responsability to pay a deposit on a house for you, or your car insurance.. esp if you are earning your own money and can afford nights out and holidays.. why should they be deprived of money from the retirement fund so you can go on a girly weekend away and then have your rent/insurance/shopping/credit card paid for.

thelordofcheese

Morutea wrote:

Hello all,

It is my first post

I want your thoughts on this:
Do you feel that because your parents may have supported you when you were younger, that you "owe" it to them to support them now?


(Pay the bills they run up etc, just because they did it for you when you were younger and unable to work)


Thanks.

I'd 'support' them because they are my parents and if they needed my help i'd give it without thinking twice. But i wouldn't think of it in terms of owing anyone anything.

Lurk

Depends on the bills...if it's food/electricity bills and they can't pay them, well then...eh...they might die otherwise. If it's a Harvey Nicholls store card, they can eff off.

darkflower

Morutea wrote:

Hello all,

It is my first post

I want your thoughts on this:
Do you feel that because your parents may have supported you when you were younger, that you "owe" it to them to support them now?


(Pay the bills they run up etc, just because they did it for you when you were younger and unable to work)


Thanks.

if that would be the case, it would be hard raising parents. i quit!:eek:

netwhizkid

I think we all owe our parents a debt, and the best way we can repay it is by giving our own children as good an upbringing as ourselves got or even better.

My own family has been constantly experiencing problem from my continuous inferring grandmother. I swear she is the most annoying b*tch on earth, she unfortunately happens to have some very valuable property and considerable wealth and has my own father wrapped around her small finger.

His father (my grandfather) is dead with nearly three decades and yet refuses to budge an inch with this (ye can have it when I'm dead and gone mentality) My father will unfortunately be a pensioner probably by the time he should inherit it, the same woman hates my mother and me as we are onto her and I am constantly fighting with my father over it.

I reckon she will change her will and leave it to her daughter abroad who she never shuts up about, if my father doesn’t get it now. It is a thundering disgrace that in this country a "farmer" like my grandmother who is nearly 80 can be allowed to draw down in excess of €50,000 per annum all farmer should be made retire at 65.

It has been the no. 1 cause of conflict in my home and my grandfather loved my father and so wanted him to have the place and everything, I never knew him and he was dead many years before I was born, however last year, I received a very welcome surprise of a trust fund of money left for me by my grandfather as my father's eldest and only son. I wasn't even born and that is how far ahead my grandfather was thinking. I hate my grandmother and nobody should owe their parents anything, give them an inch and they will take a mile. Blackmailing like my grandmother is doing nearly drove my mother to divorce, she considers my mother of a lower class because she came from a poorer background into a wealthy family when the majority of the country were broke.

Sorry for the Rant, but it is an example of how parents would dominate and conquer if they could.

_Kaiser_

Whilst I agree with helping them if they need it (and you are in a position to do so), and naturally you should repay any loans they (or anyone really) give you, I don't believe that it's an automatic requirement of being somebody's son or daughter.

The OP doesn't say what the circumstances are, but from the tone of the post (I may be wrong) it sounds like they may be squandering their own income and looking to their children to make up the difference. This I'd disagree with - they're adults and they have to take responsibility for their own lives too.

This is probably better in PI btw..

AdMMM

Pigman II wrote:

Your parents paid for you, You'll be paying for your kids and they'll be paying for their kids. That's how it works.

I'd agree almost totally. But I'd also throw in a bit about helping them out whenever I can.

gandalf

Family is family, you can place no value on it. Whatever they need if I could give it to them I would because I know they would for me.

DublinWriter

simu wrote:

You don't have to pay back every cent because they would have gotten non-financial benefits such as emotional happiness from raising a kid...

Laughing.My.Balls.Off!

Emotional happiness? I really have to show this thread to some friends and people I work with who have recently have had their first and second babies.

Some older friends I know *cannot wait* to get rid of their sponger 20-something 'kids' out of the house

OP and others, if you really think in those mercenary terms towards your folks then you've got a problem.

The average cost of putting a child through the second level system - €5K
Supporting you through your drinking career in college - €40K
Changing your soiled nappy for the first 18 months of your life - priceless.

Sonnenblumen

Morutea wrote:

Hello all,

It is my first post

I want your thoughts on this:
Do you feel that because your parents may have supported you when you were younger, that you "owe" it to them to support them now?


(Pay the bills they run up etc, just because they did it for you when you were younger and unable to work)


Thanks.

Usually one repays love with love, some fail, whilst others try with money. Seems to me you understand neither the value of money or the price of love.

Xavi6

My mam's of the attitude that I don't owe anything as I didn't ask to be born, it was their decision.

However in practical terms, everyone will look after their parents if the situation arises. Nobody should 'owe' anybody anything. That's not what family's about.

Piste

netwhizkid wrote:

I think we all owe our parents a debt, and the best way we can repay it is by giving our own children as good an upbringing as ourselves got or even better.

How the hell is that paying off a debt? You're paying what you "owe" your parents to your children? Well that's hardly fair now is it?


Personally I don't see it as a debt, I agree with that another poster has said about not asking to be born etc. My parents brought me in to this world, albeit unplanned, they choce to have me though and with it chose to raise me, which was a financial burden, i don't owe them anything.

That said, if they were ever in any major financial difficulty which I was in a position to ease, of course I would do so, not because I feel that I owe them, but because I love them.

Ickle Magoo

My parents decided to have me - I didn't decide on my own entrance into the world & so no, I don't feel responsible for the decisions my parents made.

Saying that, if my parents ever needed anything I would do my utmost to support them because I love them & I don't want to see them worry or suffer in any way - nothing to do with a debt of gratitude.

Sad Professor

You don't "owe" your parents anything except love, which is all they ever owed you. Loving a child is a parent's primary responsibility. Money, private schools, toys, designer clothes - they all mean nothing without love.

The idea that you have payback your parents for what it cost to raise you is ridiculous. I think very lowly of any parent who expects this from their children. Having a child is not an investment for f*** sake!

sonic juice

If you are making money and they are broke and you are on good terms-yes.if they are stinking rich-no.

Black Swan

If my parent needed help, sure, I would help out.

deisemum

As I parent I'd find it very offensive if my children ever felt they "owed" me. I chose to have them and planned when I'd have them. If I'm adult enough to have them I should be adult enough to rear them without expecting payback.

As a parent I see it as my duty to do my best to provide for them until they are educated. I have been saving for their 3rd level or equivalent education. They don't know that. Once they're educated it's up to them to support themselves and not expect handouts. However I'd like to be able to at certain stages but they shouldn't expect it

I think as a parent you want to make things easier for them, hopefully in a responsible way.

I no longer have parents so I don't have to pay back any "debt".

I would hate to thought of ever having to take money from my children. All I ever expect from them is their love and not to stress me out too much :rolleyes:

You can't put a price on the emotional payback, it's priceless

WunderFull

I like to think of it as: Who is going to be paying for their nursing home bills and their funerals etc when they are that old?

mountainyman

Yes we all owe them and if they need help we should give it.
It is a minefield tbh

r3nu4l

A child does not ask to be born and if you have kids you shouldn't be thinking that they 'owe' you anything.

Thankfully I had great parents who raised me well and while we never had extra cash lying about we still got lots of love and attention so because of that I feel that I would always help my parents if they were stuck.

However, some parents don't give their kids anything like the care and attention they need and these parents deserve nothing.

you get what you give but should never feel you're owed something just because you decided to have a child.

Mrs_Doyle

No, I don't think it is my 'duty' to repay them.
But I do think it shows appreciation when you take them out, include them in your plans, treat them to something nice, etc.

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and I invited my folks out for a meal with me, and my friends.

They were delighted to be asked, because as a teen I did the whole 'get as much distance between me and my folks as possible' thing, which must have been hurtful (although I never thought of that at the time).

Its the little things that make all the difference when it comes to how we should treat our parents.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Right, prepare for a hijacking:

How would you feel if your paretns were financial sound BUT needed your time? If you had to care for them in the same way you did? I know situations where fights that have proken out about who has to care for parents versus should they go into a home? when they've either had strokes or contracte Alzheimers?

Would you feel that you had a debt to repay then?

biko

As they were there for you then you should be there for them.
It's not about debts or gratitude or such - it's about family.

Get to know your parents, you’ll never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

From sunscreen.

Ickle Magoo

I'd never consider I have a debt to repay - regardless of circumstances. If/when you have kids - would you want your kids to feel they were indebted to you for giving them life?

I would hate my kids to feel that way - I've already told my family if I get alzheimers or something then I don't want them to put their lives on hold to be nursemaid to me.

I've also already jokingly told my parents that as thanks for every time they embarrassed me/didn't get me what I wanted/etc, I would ensure they were shipped off to a home when they are old & decrepit...laughing aside, ideally I'd like to have a granny flat on the house so we can be close to hand & take care of our parents in their twilight years but I would use carefully selected residential care rather than 24hr nursing myself at my parents request. Does anyone else discuss such eventualities with their family members?

Sad Professor

Ikky Poo2 wrote:

How would you feel if your paretns were financial sound BUT needed your time? If you had to care for them in the same way you did? I know situations where fights that have proken out about who has to care for parents versus should they go into a home? when they've either had strokes or contracte Alzheimers?

Would you feel that you had a debt to repay then?

I wouldn't think of it in terms of a debt. I would take care of mine but because I love them not because I owe them. It's a personal choice though. I'm not a parent but if I were I'd hate the thought of my children wasting their lives taking care of me.

Love shouldn't ask for anything in return.

DublinWriter

Ikky Poo2 wrote:

How would you feel if your paretns were financial sound BUT needed your time? If you had to care for them in the same way you did? I know situations where fights that have proken out about who has to care for parents versus should they go into a home? when they've either had strokes or contracte Alzheimers?

Would you feel that you had a debt to repay then?

If you have to ask those questions in the first place then you really don't understand what being in a family is all about.

Somehow, I think the only point at which the penny will drop for you is in about 50 years time when you're dying of Alzheimers, alone, scared and confused in a nursing home while your kids are too busy snowboarding to actually give a f*ck.

Karma has a beautiful way of kicking you in the butt.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

DublinWriter wrote:

If you have to ask those questions in the first place then you really don't understand what being in a family is all about.

Somehow, I think the only point at which the penny will drop for you is in about 50 years time when you're dying of Alzheimers, alone, scared and confused in a nursing home while your kids are too busy snowboarding to actually give a f*ck.

Karma has a beautiful way of kicking you in the butt.

Woah, tetchey! Was just asking a question! My point being that while a lot of people would happily pay money, how many would actually donate time? THAT'S how you measure giving.

How did you get from that to me not really understanding what family is about...?

jimmycrackcorm

Years ago the family structure was such that people had larger families to ensure that they be supported in their elder years. I also observed this recently in India where young professionals were supporting their parents.

But now we have a bit of cash, we've become very mean. Our parents made sacrifices for us but tough **** I suppose - their choice andother lame excuses....

pbsuxok1znja4r

Everyone's gonna have differing principles on this and those who think they go the comparatively extra mile for their own parents are, as usual, guaranteed to get all holier-than-thou on everyone else's asses. Because, after all, what's the use of a good deed if you can't subsequently get all righteous about it to other people? :rolleyes:

Only if you believe in Karma, DublinWriter (and AFAIK that's not even what it means). Haha going telling people when you think the 'penny will drop' for them.

brown*eyed*girl

I was raised by a single parent, my Mam. I could never "repay" her no matter how much money, time or presents I could give her because its priceless what she's done for me in my lifetime & even now the amount of love, help, support, friendship, that she gives me is unreal. Sorry I know that sounds totally corny but thats the way I feel. My stepdad is the same. Since I was 13 he's been a fantastic "Dad" to me & he's now an amazing Grandad to my two kids. I do look after them both with presents etc. & help out when they need it but its not something I really think about or feel I'm doing to repay them but I just want them to be happy & make life easier for them if I can.

My daughter thankfully does appreciate things, moreso lately, & already says when she's older she's gonna look after me. I just tell her all I want is for her to be happy. Of course if she has kids I will most definiately babysit as much as I can or help out if she & her partner wants to work.

Now the above makes us sound like the Waltons which we are not. We're more like the Osbornes & we are always bickering but very close & always look out for each other.

As for taking care of my Mam if she had to go into a home. I'd cross that bridge when it comes but I do know I'd do the best I can at the time. There is a small age gap between my Mam, me & my daughter which is easier to deal with, in my opinion. My Mam is 50, I'm 31 & my daughter is 13, so when I'm 50, my Mam will be only 69 & my daughter will be 33!! We are always joking that we'll go to bingo together. If I did win the lotto though my Mam & Stepdad would be getting a very substantial chunk.

DilbertPartII

As our parent's kids it would be fine to repay their kindness. it's a way of showing our gratitude for raising us well. And one way of showing it is paying their bills. Money we spend for them is never enough to show how fortunate we are for their love.

tensecyclist

Morutea wrote:

Hello all,

It is my first post

I want your thoughts on this:
Do you feel that because your parents may have supported you when you were younger, that you "owe" it to them to support them now?


(Pay the bills they run up etc, just because they did it for you when you were younger and unable to work)


Thanks.

that depends on you. how'd you take it? if you're burdened then don't feel obliged to do it. if you feel great to repay their kindness then much better.

pbsuxok1znja4r

You pay it forward to yer own kids at the very least, is the way I look at it.