Boyfriend Finance Issues driving me mad

LegacyUser

Its about my partner and money.

I was so disappointed this morning with him, I told him to get his act together as I couldn’t handle being seen as a Euro sign anymore.

Basically, nearly every week he asks me for money. Usually at the weekend he pays it back to me. He usually only goes out one night a week, but on that one night will drink quite a bit. I don’t mind the fact that he goes out, just that at the end of the week, when hes asking me for money, all I can think of is “Well, if I was in his situation, I wouldn’t be out boozing till I could afford it”.

I have a feeling, only a feeling, that he is in quite a bit of debt. Ive tried to get him to open up about it, but I cant force the issue. I just want to help. Ive explained to him that me throwing money at him when he needs it isn’t going to solve anything.

Im all for saving money etc and am quite good at managing financial stuff. I am only trying to help, offering him advice, but its falling on deaf ears. So this morning I told him that there is no way in the world that he is getting any more money off me – whether he pays it back or not. That he needs to learn how to handle money, and that’s what I can help him with. He just kept saying “I know, I know, Im sorry”. That’s all he could say.

Just want him to be a bit more responsible rather than thinking that everytime he needs money, or is short, he can come to me.

Ive had it up to the back teeth now. Am fed up and want something done about it.

Its not my job to look after him, but I cant help him if I don’t know whats going on.

We are only going out 8mths and am so worried about his finance. He seems so secretive about it. Fair enough if he want to keep it private, but asking me for money is just dragging me into it. Ive had enough. I am getting paranoid that hes just seeing me as a Euro sign.

Beruthiel

While you are there to continually give him money each week, he is going to continue asking.
Next time, say no to him and see what happens.
Seriously, most of us will not go out drinking ourselves silly if we don't have the money to do so. Time he grew up.

Lorax

Maybe he wouldn't need to drink so much if you stopped moaning at him. Just a thought.

Seraphina

thats ridiculous lorax, she has every right to complain, she isn't his atm machine.

Beruthiel

Lorax
Banned for a week.
B

Talliesin

It seems to me quite likely that he knows something is awry with his finances but he's avoiding acknowledging that.

Being able to rely on you for loans that may not have to be paid back (if I'm reading "Usually at the weekend he pays it back to me." correctly) is helping him avoid that issue.

It's quite common for couples to help each other out financially whether it's a small loan when one is in a bit of a tight spot all the way through to sharing finances completely, but the deeper your finances are merged with his the more you both have a responsibility to be honest about what your financial situations are. If he wants to keep that private from you, then you need to be completely financially independent from each other.

Sp@rtacus

There are those who say.. (!?) that borrowing money from your bf/gf is in the same bracket as farting or weeing with the door open! If you are nto close enough for that, you shouldnt be bank rollign his cashflow. Defo need to have a chat with him re it. If the relationship is good otherwise, you like the guy and would liek to see it develop, you need to communicate your feelings about it. Now, he will either shrug off your suggestions and make a joke of it or avoiding it altogether, or go on the offensive and accuse you of "nagging".
Best to tell him that you care about him and want this sticky wicket to be resolved so that you can move forward. If he has debts that he is burying his head from, tell him you will help him get a budget sorted and help him work out how to structure his finances. Maybe he is too fond of the gargle. You say he goes out once a week, but if he has 26 pints of diesel then something is up. Also, does he evert take you out? Do you go out as a couple? Who foots the bills? Dutch?

the_syco

Go out, get locked, and say you have no money left. See what he says.

But if he says anything along the lines of "you should manage your money better", drop him faster than the proverbial hot potato.

Black Swan

As long as you supply, he will rely. Let him know, then stop the flow.

Ickle Magoo

moneymoany wrote:

Basically, nearly every week he asks me for money.

Next time say no & see what his reaction is. You may be helping him to deal with a problem, you may be helping yourself to see that this isn't what you want out of a relationship.

Personally, I think that until you share a bank account, anything other than the occasional loan is taking the preverbial. If my partner had no money, I would offer to take him out for a few - I wouldn't expect him to ask me for my money so he could go on the lash without me...it's a bit cheeky! :rolleyes:

Macker

Lurk ban a bit harsh ...
on topic ,he borrows a few quid from you and pays it back , go's out once a week ,give the lad a break ,you're guessing weather his has debts or not ?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice.

We had a chat about it last night (albeit it was quite late and we were tired). He started to get a bit cranky. I told him that I would help him, but under no cirumstance would I ever give him, or should he ever ask for an amount of money again (expect maybe a couple of euro for something small-im not that mean!).

He asked if I thought he was using me. I said "no", but that it was mine and his mistake for making it too convenient for him to have no money in the sense "ah shur, doesnt matter if Ive no money at the end of the week because the girlfriend will bail me out".

I feel better that it is off my chest. We ran through a few bills that he has, and it doesnt even look that bad (I thought it was worse). He is just that bad with money that its going to a bottomless pit of no where. He is not tight at all with money. If we go out of pints, he'll buy them. When we go for dinner we take turns to pay (I prefer that - who says man should pay for everything!) or we pay half, at my request.

I was thinking it might be good to do a spreadsheet with him or something. But we have no computer between us (we dont live together). Anyone any ideas? I told him last night about rent relief/rent allowance.

Nevyn

Tou don't need a spread sheet get a small note book and write out his out goings and income for each week/month in it and get him then to try keep a record fo what he is spending.

mountainyman

How close are you.
Tell him he is bad with money and that he needs to be completely honest with you.
Appease him emotionally, tell him you know he isn't good with money and you love him anyway, but he has to be honest and he might have to miss the expenditures for a month or so.

MM

Sp@rtacus

Well that sounds like a result moneymoaney, sounds like you handled it well and hopefully he will continue to respond to the issue and sort it out.

Not sure what you mean by "I told him about rent allowance/rent relief"? I doubt rent allowance is applicable to him, but certinaly if he is renting rent relief is, and he can claim a tax credit of €300 per annum for this expense ie: €25/month or jyst under €6 a week (I presume he is paid weekly) is taken off his tax liability. Its not exactly a windfall but its better off in his back phóca than the revenue's. (If nothing else it will buy him one extra scoop a week! )
He can also claim for his bin charges and if he is studying part-time, he could be eligible for 20% rebate on any fees paid for the course (provided it is recognised by Revenue).

Heres a very simple budget s/s that might be of use to you, him or jointly if you ever decide to go down that route (obv it can be changed to suit your own specific costs etc)

Good luck

JohnWishbone11

www.revenue.ie and get him to claim his tax back. Great way to get a few sheckels. But from what you said he needs a wake up call and you are right to change your behaviour. Adding to the problem by creating a financial dependency is not in the best interest of your partner. Hes going through denial and its a defence mechanism 'i know i know'.

If your relationship isnt going to spiral to a crash and burn then your partner needs to come clean imo as how are you going to feel if hes bottled it up all the way to the meeting with the bank manager for a house and it comes out then..that he has mounting debts with high apr etc etc. Better to confront now that leave it fester.

Spartacus - thanks for the budget plan mate!

The truth will out.

Sp@rtacus

Ne pas rien dude

The Sweeper

It does look like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. If you were getting the money back every weekend, it sounds like you were his unofficial overdraft facility. Paid on Friday, clear the €50 to the missus, go on the batter, it's now Tuesday and... I'm broke. Damn. I know, borrow €50 from the missus! Yay!

He does sound far more disorganised than spiteful. Believe me, there's a huge difference between borrowing and repaying, and borrowing, saying 'I'm good for it' and never bothering your arse.

JohnWishbone11

sounds like Andy Cap.

Chucky the tree

You said he pays it back within a week though. So you give him money on Monday for drinks and he pays it back on friday or whatever?

Sounds a bit harsh to go off the handle with him for that. Obviously he is useless with his financies. next time dont bottle all your angry up about until you crack and lose the head over it.

SarahMc

You've pretty much set a pattern of behaviour / relationship roles thats going to be hard to break.

Opposites attract I guess. You say you're good at saving... he can't manage to live a week on his cashflow without coming to you for a bail out. Unless you see yourself in the role of saviour/ATM/mammy ad infinitum in this relationship close the cash point now.

He is an adult, he has to be responsible for his own finances, how could you respect him otherwise?

mountainyman

It is embarassing to be bad with money. He might feel that you won't respect him if he is broke. It reflects on his ability to provide.

So it is an emotional as well as a financial issue. A poor man has his pride!

MM

LegacyUser

Well Sarah, thats the thing. I am starting to loose a bit of respect for him. That why it needs to stop now.

I feel he is pulling away a bit in the last week or so also. Sometimes feels like Im on my own with this one and the pressure gets too great. He owns the problem, I can only help. He is my boyfriend. Im not his mammy, and thats what it felt like these past few weeks.

Had a little cry about it last night. Im trying my best, if he cant buck up, im afraid no matter how much I love him, he'll have to go. Enough is enough.

Sp@rtacus

mountainyman wrote:

A poor man has his pride!

...evidently not, given he hits her up for a bail out EVERY week.

Reni

Sister, You want to lose that zero and get yo'self a hero-That's what I'm talkin bout!

Talliesin

Sp@rtacus wrote:

...evidently not, given he hits her up for a bail out EVERY week.

Pride can make people do some pretty degrading things.

That's the thing about emotions, they don't necessarily work themselves out in a rational manner.

mountainyman

Moanymoney, why is this bugging you now. Money is emotional, why are you annoyed? This is not to say that you are wrong but you shouldn't assume you are rational. After all who is?

MM

Talliesin

mountainyman wrote:

This is not to say that you are wrong but you shouldn't assume you are rational.

As a general rule, I think a major chunk of issues on this forum fall under this - we tend to think we are being rational all the time, but really we're only very rational when we make a considerable effort to do so, such as in dealing with a maths problem, and then don't get it right all that often.

Still, that's not to say that being irrational is necessarily less useful than being rational in all situations.

I think the biggest issue here is the lack of communication - it looks like her bf may well have a problem, but he isn't talking to her about it, and they're at a degree of closeness in their relationship where she feels he should talk to her about such problems.

SarahMc

I think the OP is being very rational and practical here! I know money is an emotional issue, but its also a very practical one, and one which is a major contributing factor to relationship and marriage breakdown.

Had a little cry about it last night. Im trying my best, if he cant buck up, im afraid no matter how much I love him, he'll have to go. Enough is enough.

You have drawn a line in the sand here. You're right to get it sorted at this stage of the relationship before joint bank accounts / mortgages etc.

Some things are deal breakers. For me, a deal breaker would be a man who consistently borrowed from me, it wouldn't matter if he paid me back in a week.

It seems like he is borrowing a small amount each week in order to go on the booze, so all he needs to do is live within his means for one week before getting on track! You have made your position clear to him, its up to him now to sort his sh*t out.

Motley Crue

SarahMc wrote:

You say you're good at saving... he can't manage to live a week on his cashflow without coming to you for a bail out. Unless you see yourself in the role of saviour/ATM/mammy ad infinitum in this relationship close the cash point now.

Is it that opposites attract or is it that you havent enough self confidence in yourself to realise that your afraid if you stand up to him and refuse he'll leave you. I mean, you're obviously brave enough to tackle it here, but if you've not confronted him about it he'll accept it as the norm. Hes an Irish male, he can put with something that annoys him for the rest of his ****ing life and accept it.

podge79

Thaedydal wrote:

Tou don't need a spread sheet get a small note book and write out his out goings and income for each week/month in it and get him then to try keep a record fo what he is spending.

yeah do that - i gave up my job in sept to go back to college (what was i thinking!) and write down all the spending i do... note how there's no income these days and it really helps... makes you take more notice of how much or little money you have to spend

mountainyman

SarahMc wrote:

I think the OP is being very rational and practical here! I know money is an emotional issue, but its also a very practical one, and one which is a major contributing factor to relationship and marriage breakdown.

Some things are deal breakers. For me, a deal breaker would be a man who consistently borrowed from me, it wouldn't matter if he paid me back in a week.

We aren't talking about you. But if I knew I couldn't count on a woman for a small loan when I was skint I would know I could count on her for nothing. That is irrational but relationships are about interdependence.

The OP may be practical but to cry about 50 euro is irrational. It is fine to be irrational and it may be that the guy is feckless. The qualities that are attractive in a fling are not necessarily what women want for the long term.

I often think that all women want from a man is a chequebook and /or a pair of hands and they'd rather have the chequebook.

MM