Time For Fun Time's ?..

Paddy20

It seems to me that we have been serious on this forum for far too long.

If anyone has reasonably clean joke's . Now is the time to post them.

Personally I am useless at remembering jokes, therefore this thread is open to anyone to post a joke or more, as I feel we could do with a lighthearted thread, for a change .

I leave it in your very capable hands , and I look forward to a good laugh for a change .Just post your favourite joke or jokes,or even funny stories, as believe me I think we all need a laugh , .

P. :cool:

muffler

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes
her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches
makes her scream.

"You're not really a brunette, are you?" the doctor enquires.

"No," she replies, "I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Paddy20

Good on ya 'muffler' for breaking the ice, so to speak .I also enjoyed the joke, considering it is not easy to make me giggle.

Now who is next to take up the challenge of tickling my funny bone ?..and even help make the North-West forum the most humorous on Boards.ie. ?..

P. :cool:

Gordon

Good idea, lets lighten up a little:

How many Paddy20s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but he'll make sure that a citizen entitled to reside and work in the Irish Republic will get the job for the same wage as an Irish citizen and will rally together a group of people to march against the government demanding that the government use an equal amount of bayonet lightbulbs to screw in ones.

:cool:

Paddy20

Gordon wrote:

Good idea, lets lighten up a little:

How many Paddy20s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but he'll make sure that a citizen entitled to reside and work in the Irish Republic will get the job for the same wage as an Irish citizen and will rally together a group of people to march against the government demanding that the government use an equal amount of bayonet lightbulbs to screw in ones.

:cool:

Goodness Gordon,

Even that one made me giggle .

P.:cool:

retalivity

Gordon wrote:

Good idea, lets lighten up a little:

How many Paddy20s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but he'll make sure that a citizen entitled to reside and work in the Irish Republic will get the job for the same wage as an Irish citizen and will rally together a group of people to march against the government demanding that the government use an equal amount of bayonet lightbulbs to screw in ones.

:cool:

HAHAHAHA

magnumlady

Mine are very old but here goes:

Man walks into the docs wrapped in cling film, do says I can clearly see your nuts.

Whats brown and sticky? A stick.

Whats green and red and goes round and round? A frog in a blender.:D

Goodshape

I entered a Marathon last week.

Got peanuts and chocolate all over my nob

(^^ think old-school)

--

Q. How many members of U2 does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

A. One. Bono holds up the bulb, and the whole world revolves around him.

--

Q. Why are U2 called 'U2'?

A. Because it's "Bono, The Edge, and eh.. you two"

--

Q. Why does Bono where those wrap-around sunglasses?

A. Because he's an as$hole.

--

Q. How many pagens does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

A. Pagens don't screw in light-bulbs, they screw in stone circles.

deman

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: ''No thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

---

What's the difference between a stick up and a hold up?
- Age.

nanook

it seems this is classic joke fm

God said to moses come fourth and i shall give you the world.

God love him, he came fifth and got a toaster.

byte

Goodshape wrote:

I entered a Marathon last week.

Got peanuts and chocolate all over my nob

(^^ think old-school)

ROFL :D

muffler

A couple of oldies but goodies

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Italian men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Winitoe Pavaroti, nice to meet you."

___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected,turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

DonegalMan

How many Country & Western Songwriters does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to change the bulb, two to write a song about the dead one.

deman

muffler wrote:

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected,turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Madam

Maybe a bit OTT for some but here goes?


Cliff Richard is doing an intimate gig and asks the audience what song they'd like to hear next..... the audience all jump to their feet and start shouting out song names

SUMMER HOLIDAY!
DEVIL WOMAN!
MISTLETOE AND WINE!
DREAMING!
TITS AN FANNY!

"tits and fanny?" cliff thinks to himself. he plays summer holiday and asks again what the audience want to hear. everyone starts shoutin again

DEVIL WOMAN!
MISTLETOE AND WINE!
DREAMING!
TITS AN FANNY!

now cliff's startin to get angry, but chooses to ignore it and plays mistletoe and wine. same thing happens again and there's shouts of

DEVIL WOMAN!
DREAMING!
TITS AN FANNY!

now cliff's pissed. he shouts for the house lights to go on and shouts "RIGHT WHO KEEPS SHOUTIN OUT TITS AND FANNY?"

a group of old chinese women put their hands up and cliff marches up to them and asks what song of his could possibly be called that.

the oldest chinese woman stands up and sings....

"TITS AN FANNY, HOW RE DON TAAAAAAAAAAALK ELLYMORE!"

muffler

Talking about foreign workers in another thread I thought this may be appropriate


An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling." To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells............................. "Supplies"

retalivity

i never thought so many of yous were this risque.....

Madam

:rolleyes: An oldie but a goody Muffler.

Madam

Not very PC but here goes:

CHINESE BABY

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby.

The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says..........

"Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

muffler

Nice one Madam



heres one of my silly ones;



Man goes into doctors surgery and says to the doc:

I think everyone is ignoring me!

The doc replies; "next please"

deman

Doctor Doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains!!!

Pull myself together man!

Carrickman

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry - we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

Two fish are in a tank One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive" --

Boom Boom:p

muffler

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

* * * * * * *

Carrickman

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle. The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..." The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!" "Yes! Very good!" says the Queen

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

muffler

An 18 year old itinerant lad gets a job in a sports shop. The boss explains the selling tactics to him and tells him to always make sure the customer gets the right product for its intended use.

A bit later a young lady enters the shop and the boss tells the itinerant lad to observe as he sells the right item. She asks for a pair of tennis shoes and the boss says: "Are they for clay or grass”? She indicates grass and the boss picks out the correct type of shoes for her.

Some time later a man enters the shop and the boss sends the young lad to serve him.

Lad…”Can I help you"

Man… I am looking for a baseball bat.

Lad… "Is it for a wedding or a funeral?"

Goodluck2me

A Bear walks into a bar and asks for a pint of guinness and..........a packet of crisps.
Barman says "why the big pause"?

Dreamer 7

A young itinerant boy was crying hysterically at the side of a river. A guard approaches him too see what the problem is.

"Mee mate mee mate fell in the river" he screams
" Holy mother of god" says the guard who radios for the coast guard and back up.
The boy is in hysterics"Mee mate mee mate!!!"

The guard sits him down on the path trying to calm him down
"Tell me what happened son"

"Well... I ..I..was comin out of..of.. Mcdonalds, and I..I opened me burger to take the feckin gerkin out and mee mate fell into the river!!":D

icom

The Nun!!


A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

icom

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.




"You all have obsessions," he observed.



To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even

named your daughter Candy.



He turned to the second Mum. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it

manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."


He turns to the third Mum. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too

manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy"



At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the

hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

byte

Roffle

Basq

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with problems with his rear.... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc..

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash."£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,' says the Irishman.



I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..!!!

Carrickman

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,

"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many rips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

"So that's the ugly b * tch he's runnin' around with."

muffler

Good one Carrick

muffler

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f***ing bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f***ing bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f***ing beak to the bar, you irritating
b*****d of a f***ing bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

Barman : !!!!!???*&^&**((*&&^(*(::::((((( !