Marriage

Smoggy

The topic of mariage came up last night with the missus and I just presumed she would take my surname, she said she would but wants to keep her surname for official use, such as job , bank etc !!!!!!

This isnt taking the surname, its a cop-out.

Its a new thing that girls dont often take there partners names in marriage , as I know both her sister has kept thier surnames ?

Rb

Could you re-phrase it in the form of a question perhaps?

aniascor

Is it important to you that she take your surname?

I can see why she wants to keep her current surname for official use. Stop for a minute and imagine if you had to change your surname - the sheer hassle of it. (I say this as someone who is getting married next year, and is thinking of changing her surname. Sometimes the thoughts of how much work it will be makes me reconsider it...)

r3nu4l

I'm getting married next year and my gf is keeping her surname. I don't see the problem really.

Some women do it for a reason, my gf is a scientist and has published articles with her name and as a scientist myself I understand the importance of people recognising your name and the work you do. I'm sure several other careers are like this.

Even if there is no specific reason for her keeping her name, what's the big deal? Would you consider changing your name to hers?

Why the insecurity?

Grem

Smoggy wrote:

Its a new thing that girls dont often take there partners names in marriage , as I know both her sister has kept thier surnames ?

I think this is meant to say IS IT a new thing that girls............

There's your question rb_ie.

Ruu_Old

Its nothing new, gone on for years now. Don't really have any issues with it.
We have a weddings & marriage forum btw, do you want it shifted there or left here? Your choice. Let me know, dankooo.

holly_johnson

Personally, when I got married there was no way I was changing my name.
Why should I?
It's really hard to change your name and everything that goes along with it; plus your name is your identity and it's hard to just "drop" that after 25 or so years.

trilo

I think also it's a thing about keepign on your fmaily name. For me, i have two older brother who are in their 30's and no where near getting married. Myslef nad the fella were talking one night about it also, i said maybe i'd keep my own name, then i thought about it, he's the only guy in his family to carry on his family name.
Then theres also the thing about your children's surname (should you choose to have some). If both have different surnames, which surname does the child take?

Gandhi

My wife changed her name, but not for a while after we were married. I honestly did not care that much one way or another. She probably would have kept it if I had made a big thing of it.

It is a lot of hassle changing it, though. My friend's wife got fierce hassle at the airport one time as she had her maiden name on the credit card used to book the ticket and the married name on her passport (or vice versa).

Smoggy

It really cant be that hard to swap ? just send out a letter to all the places that have your name such as banks, pensions, VHI, government etc, there can be no more than 10 places. They send you out change of detail forms, which you sign and send back. A few hours work.

Why do I think my girlfriend should take my name ? good question I have just always presumed that it was going to be that way, half the marriage to me is the swapping of the rings and the change of the names.

aniascor

A few hours work...ha ha ha ha!

If only that were true. I moved house three months ago, and it tooks weeks to change all of the addresses. I can only imagine changing surnames would be even worse.

And don't assume it took weeks because I am disorganised - I'm not. It took weeks because customer service in this country is AWFUL in most companies.

Also, think about the hassle at work - it would be fine if you worked for a small company, but what if you don't? And what if you work with a lot of different companies in different countries (which I do) - again...hassle. That is why a lot of women choose to keep their maiden name for business use.

r3nu4l

trilo wrote:

Then theres also the thing about your children's surname (should you choose to have some). If both have different surnames, which surname does the child take?

As geneaology usually traces family surnames through the paternal line it is normal practice to give children the father's surname, especially if the parents are still together but that's a decision for each couple to take. There are plenty of examples of family trees where the name suddenly changes for no apparent reason.

In some circles there is a practice of combining surnames for marriage so Mr. Biggles and Ms Buttress become Mr Bigbutt or whatever...:)

davidoco

Give it time.

After three years of correcting people about her surname, our family doctors' files not matching, her colleagues calling me by her surname, passport/online booking (with kids) confusion, hotel check in misunderstandings, insurance and legal mixups – house buying/legal docs always drafted in married name. Nephews and nieces not knowing what her surname was.

Basically being called by my surname no matter how many times she corrected people, my wife gave up and changed her name.

Cormic

Smoggy wrote:

half the marriage to me is the swapping of the rings

I would say that is the wedding. The marriage is the (hopfully) many years together after that.

My wife has kept her name for work but does use my surname for bank and credit cards. This is sometimes a bit of a pain as she has to check what name she should sign.

I don't think we even discussed my daughters surname. She was just registered as my surname.

Ruu_Old

aniascor wrote:

A few hours work...ha ha ha ha!

If only that were true. I moved house three months ago, and it tooks weeks to change all of the addresses. I can only imagine changing surnames would be even worse.

And don't assume it took weeks because I am disorganised - I'm not. It took weeks because customer service in this country is AWFUL in most companies.

Also, think about the hassle at work - it would be fine if you worked for a small company, but what if you don't? And what if you work with a lot of different companies in different countries (which I do) - again...hassle. That is why a lot of women choose to keep their maiden name for business use.

Agreed, the wifeh changed her name. The passport in particular took forever, vital seeing as we were travelling quite a bit at the time.

r3nu4l

Smoggy wrote:

It really cant be that hard to swap ? just send out a letter to all the places that have your name such as banks, pensions, VHI, government etc, there can be no more than 10 places.

No more than 10, hah, optimist! I'm a bloke (I'm sure for girls it would be the same) but to change my name I would need to contact the following:

Passport office
Bank
Building Society
Credit Union
Credit Card
Gas
Water
Electricity
Satellite Provider
Council tax
Library
Airmiles company
Tesco
Dentist
Doctor
DVLA
Home insurance
Car Insurance
Life Assurance
Inland Rvenue
Employer

That's 21 for me and I'm sure there's more! Then you have to assume that each one gets it right first time, I can assure you they won't. You may end up getting 2 electricity bills , one to each name. That can take hours to sort out, telephone calls, being on hold, getting transferred from one department to another...Arrgh!!

aniascor

Just reading back over my posts on this thread, and I realise that it sounds as though I am completely against changing surnames (especially that last post about the hassle of it - I almost talked myself out of it!)

But for some reason, I still feel pretty strongly about making the change. The possibility of having children in the future is a strong motivator - I would prefer to have the same surname as them! And also, by getting married, we will be family, and I want us to share a family name...even if there are days when I wish it was my surname we were keeping so that I'm not the one who has the hassle of changing everything

b3t4

How do couples who don't get married manage at all I wonder?

A.

aniascor

r3nu4l wrote:

Passport office
Bank
Building Society
Credit Union
Credit Card
Gas
Water
Electricity
Satellite Provider
Council tax
Library
Airmiles company
Tesco
Dentist
Doctor
DVLA
Home insurance
Car Insurance
Life Assurance
Inland Rvenue
Employer

And then there are things like your email address, or just the name associated with the email address. I got an email from a friend of mine a few months back who I hadn't been in touch with in a couple of years (she lives in the States, and we just lost contact). Anyway, I almost binned the email without reading it because I didn't recognise the surname, and I thought it was junkmail because it was an AOL address. Turned out that my friend had recently married and changed her surname...such confusion!

babyguinnessfan

In Canada you actually can't take your husband's name even if you want too. Fuzzy on the details but apparently some years back that law was passed and it also 'allowed' women who had been married for ages to change back to their maiden name as well - as a lot of them did - not too sure about the no choice in the matter though...

The Sweeper

r3nu4l wrote:

No more than 10, hah, optimist! I'm a bloke (I'm sure for girls it would be the same) but to change my name I would need to contact the following:

Passport office
Bank
Building Society
Credit Union
Credit Card
Gas
Water
Electricity
Satellite Provider
Council tax
Library
Airmiles company
Tesco
Dentist
Doctor
DVLA
Home insurance
Car Insurance
Life Assurance
Inland Rvenue
Employer

That's 21 for me and I'm sure there's more! Then you have to assume that each one gets it right first time, I can assure you they won't. You may end up getting 2 electricity bills , one to each name. That can take hours to sort out, telephone calls, being on hold, getting transferred from one department to another...Arrgh!!

Right...

Passport office

You'll need to apply for an entirely new passport, pay the money etc. This is usually the first hurdle some couples fall at, especially if himself's organised the honeymoon in the name of Mr & Mrs Whatever and she's not thought to bring her marriage certificate, and her passport's still in her maiden name...

Bank

Need to see the marriage certificate - best to go in on the day. All cards and cheque books will be reissued in your married name. It doesn't take that long.

Building Society

Ditto bank.

Credit Union

Ditto bank.

Credit Card

If yours is with your bank it'll change when you go in. If not, you'll need to send your marriage certificate off to them in the post.

Gas, Water, Electricity, Satellite Provider

Phone calls are fine.

Council tax

Need to see your marriage certificate, send it in the post.

Library

Phone call is fine.

Airmiles company

Em, yes... your airmiles company... yes... er... but seriously - phone will probably do the trick here.

Tesco

My Boots card is still in my maiden name. Not a huge issue. It can wait.

Dentist, Doctor

Change by phone.

DVLA

Send your marriage certificate off.

Home insurance

Fine by phone.

Car Insurance

Fine by phone.

Life Assurance

Depends who your policy is with - some are phone, others you have to send your marriage cert.

Inland Rvenue

Can't remember if it's phone or cert actually - think phone's fine.

Employer

It's really not a big deal to amend your email address and start calling you by your new surname is it?

People make such a fuss about the idea of changing your name. Either do it or don't do it. If you change everything major within the first two months (and it can take that long depending how many people you have to send your marriage certificate to) and catch the few stragglers in the next month, it's all fine. It's not like you have to do it every year. The worst thing you can do is operate using two names - either take his or keep yours. Don't fanny about with two surnames, it just makes things even more complicated.

Changing your surname when you get married isn't so unusual that people are obstructive to your efforts to sort out your paperwork.

fits

My partners surname is completely unspellable to the average Irish person... so he is taking mine...

lazygit

Can someone confirm that your kids can have either name, my wife kept her surname name which is totally fine by me, she has an unusual surname where as mine is a common as muck , we were planning on our first child if a boy to use her surname to keep the name alive as such. but a mate told me that your kids by law have to use the fathers name!!! any truth in that?

littlebug

When I got married 6 years ago I felt strongly that I wouldn’t change my name. It was “me”, my identity, and it just seemed silly to change it. . My husband agreed.
When my first child was born they had to give her the same surname as me on her hospital notes, wrist band etc even though we had agreed she would have my husbands surname. She was kept in for a few weeks and it got really annoying being called “Mrs C (my maidenname)”. Every time the nurses called me I would look around expecting to see my mother! I’ve kept her teeny tiny wee wrist and ankle bands for posterity but they’ve got my surname not hers. I changed my name on my hospital file for my second child to avoid all that.

Since having kids I’ve gradually changed my name for anything to do with family i.e hospital, doctors and school business. I’m still “me” for work, my bank account, my phone, anything I sign up for that is purely to do with me alone and not the rest of the family.

Both my passport and drivers licence were up for renewal last year so I changed my name on both. For the passport it was to avoid any possible confusion when travelling with children (though I’m not even sure if having different names causes any problems?).

I will continue to use my own name for work as I built up a reputation and profile under that name. It does get a wee bit confusing continuing to use both… e.g admin in work booking a flight under my maiden name and I turn up with passport in married name, having to provide my marriage licence as well as passport when changing phone companies, not to mention the numerous time I’m asked my surname and I stand there going “ahmmmm…. I’m not sure …..”

So, in a nutshell, for me at the start of my marriage it was important to keep my name as part of my identity as an individual. Over the years that identity has changed and being a mother and part of a family have become part and parcel of it and having the same name as my children is important to me, in context. I am still “me” for “me stuff”.

Lazygit, I know a couple of families where the kids have the mothers surname though neither of the couples were married when the kid was born so maybe that made it easier. As far as it being "law" for the child to have the fathers surname I think that doesn't sound right at all!

HJ Simpson

I can undstand changing it on passports and banks to make things easier booking tickets etc. I worked in IT support for years and the amount of women who came back from Honeymoon and wanted their names changed on all systems was mad. I had terrible problems trying to contact a girl who started work with me because she had changed to her married name.
Its to much trouble to change in work.

HJ Simpson

Nevyn

lazygit wrote:

Can someone confirm that your kids can have either name, my wife kept her surname name which is totally fine by me, she has an unusual surname where as mine is a common as muck , we were planning on our first child if a boy to use her surname to keep the name alive as such. but a mate told me that your kids by law have to use the fathers name!!! any truth in that?

They can have either, but you will need to catch the registar when they come into the hospital other wise if you are married they assume you are going to use the fathers name.
If you are not married to have your child's birth registared you have to go to the local births and deaths and sign off on the books there.

HelterSkelter

holly_johnson wrote:

Personally, when I got married there was no way I was changing my name.
Why should I?
It's really hard to change your name and everything that goes along with it; plus your name is your identity and it's hard to just "drop" that after 25 or so years.

What name will your kids have?

Nightwish

I'll definately be taking my husbands surname when I get married. I like tradition

Tar.Aldarion

I don't care if she changes her surname too much, I would like it though.
I would never change mine as I adore it, and as a lot of people call me by my surname(roughly half my friends) they would be lost. Lost I tells you!

iguana

I got married in August and am keeping my own name for my work things and changing it for others as they come along. A pretty good reason for keeping your own name for work is the fact that it is rare to stay in a job for more than a few years, I know I have no intention of doing so, so this makes it easier as far as references are concerned.

Bit by bit I'll change my surname for other things, and by the time we have children I will probably be going more by his surname than mine. Though if I ever get over my laziness and actualyl write a book and get it published which I've been meaning to do since I was 8 it will be published in my own name, as that's the name I've always dreamed of seeing on a book cover. Mostly I just forget to use my new name though. Like on Monday a woman came to the door updating the electoral register and I just automatically gave my maiden name. By the time I remebered it was just easier to leave it.

I'll change my passport in a few years when it runs out. And people are allowed to have both names on a passport. As in A. Married Name aka A. Maiden name. Which is pretty cool as I can pretend I'm a spy.:D

Nevyn

Well it could be worse, you could not have gotten married and have other assume you did.
I have had a few people refer to me or call after me as Mrs. Somebody
Somebody as it were being the surname of my children and wonder why I don't respond.
It gets anoying esp when your name is on file and have you have introduced yourself to them a few times.

Black Swan

As a comparison, couples in many Latin nations have been keeping the surnames of both families for hundreds of years. More recently, it has occurred in other developed nations.

If this bothers you, be certain not to marry an actress, who may also be an author. She could have her maiden name, a stage name, and a pen name, all legal and registered accordingly. And if she adopted your surname, too, that would be a fourth legal name!

Correct me if I am wrong, but it is my understanding that according to the Irish constitution, women have equal rights with men under law today? But there was a time when that was not so? Ireland was a paternalistic society, where women had fewer rights, and placing them under the surname of their male spouse was to ensure that they and their minor children were under his protection from a legal standpoint?

Black Swan

Tar.Aldarion wrote:

I don't care if she changes her surname too much, I would like it though.
I would never change mine as I adore it, and as a lot of people call me by my surname(roughly half my friends) they would be lost. Lost I tells you!

But would you change your first name if given a chance? "Tar"? Naaaaa, I know your given first name, but my lips are sealed. Ha!;)

CathyMoran

Oh, no, another thing to consider before I get married in December - I love my fiancee but I also love my name, would be glad to give any kids a double barrelled name but our double surnames do not sound right...why can life not be simple.

I hope that I will be keeping my own name when I get married, getting everthing changed is too much hastle plus I adore my own surname, I imagine that when we have kids I will have to reconsider.

KdjaCL

fits wrote:

My partners surname is completely unspellable to the average Irish person... so he is taking mine...

What is it?

I had visions of Hiang Dung Yan Sign Zhiang changing to Hiang O Byrne

Re name change not arsed either way.


kdjac

GAA widow

Any of the girls I've worked with over the past couple of years have held onto their maiden names for work. Being the weirdo that I am I'm planning on taking my fiancé's name. I don't see it as a loss of identity at all, if anything for me and us I see it as a stamp of identity of us being a unit.
[That's not to say that if you don't take your fiancé's name that you are not a unit or in an any less committed relationship (I'm not on here to offend anyone!)]

NoDayBut2Day

babyguinnessfan wrote:

In Canada you actually can't take your husband's name even if you want too. ...

Really? How sad.

I would want to take my husband's name. Not that I don't like my own, but I guess it's just the symbolism... I'm yours now... we are one... etc, etc... :rolleyes:

I guess I'm just sappy/romantic, but that's just me...

Lust4Life

I'm a Hyphen.

In the US it is growing even more common for the husband to hyphen his name as well.
I work in a hospital and it is just hillarious when a male Hyphen comes in seeking medical help because the first thing I ask is "What's your last name?"
They turn beet red and say their name very softly.
And then they repeat it, and explain that they took their wife's name as a hyphen.

I look them up under their former name so all their medical history is tied to this latest visit and then I ask "Do you want me to add the Hyphen to your name in our system or would you like it to stay as it was?"

9 times out of 10 if the wife is not beside them, they say "Leave it as it was!"

It's difficult to keep a straight face in front of these guys. I guess I'm not politically correct enough for this new crap.

I had very legitimate reasons for keeping my last name and adding the hubby's last name. Now it's sort of a pain in the butt. It (my whole name) doesn't fit on my credit card, and my E-mail at work lists me under just my husband's name, and not everybody can find me when they want to reach me.

Oh well. Live and learn!

Black Swan

Lust4Life wrote:

I had very legitimate reasons for keeping my last name and adding the hubby's last name. Now it's sort of a pain in the butt. It (my whole name) doesn't fit on my credit card, and my E-mail at work lists me under just my husband's name, and not everybody can find me when they want to reach me. Oh well. Live and learn!

Ha! We can always count on Lusty for a dose of reality from her ER desk!

Fast_Mover

Nightwish wrote:

I'll definately be taking my husbands surname when I get married. I like tradition

..me also!:)

mad m

A mate of mine recently got married and her maiden name was CRABBE....Id definitely have no reservations wanting to change if I were her....I sometimes call my wife by her surname,even after 9years of marriage.:D

Lust4Life

Posted by Blue_Lagoon

Originally Posted by Lust4Life
I had very legitimate reasons for keeping my last name and adding the hubby's last name. Now it's sort of a pain in the butt. It (my whole name) doesn't fit on my credit card, and my E-mail at work lists me under just my husband's name, and not everybody can find me when they want to reach me. Oh well. Live and learn!

Ha! We can always count on Lusty for a dose of reality from her ER desk!

Yes, I'm a giver.

Xavi6

My girlfriend just plain doesn't like my surname!! Hers is short and simple and she wants me to take it but not a chance.

She's gone on about the whole double-barrelled thing or keeping her own but I'd like my future kids to carry on my name. I'm the only son in my family whereas she has brothers to do it.

Lust4Life

Xavi6, I believe you can put whatever last name you want on the birth certificate. So your children CAN carry on the family name if you convince the wife of such.

And if she doesn't agree to that, well, that's just wrong! Family names should go on as far as possible IMO!

CathyMoran

There are lots of my fiancee's family, but I only have my brother, while I know that there are 2 generations of us around it still feels like there is not enough of us, being able to carry down the name would be brilliant but I am still not sure if it would be fair on my fiancee, it would also be very confusing for any kids that we might have.

holly_johnson

HelterSkelter wrote:

What name will your kids have?

My child has my husbands surname. I didn't know you could use the mothers name.
I've no problem with that; it's my name I want to keep. It has caused no problems at all with travelling etc. The only thing I can think of is that lots of people assume I'm an unmarried mother because of the different name. That doesn't bother me at all. Let them jump to whatever conclusions they want.

I'm very proud of my family name for lots of personal reasons and there's no way I was throwing that away because tradition says so.

Nevyn

CathyMoran wrote:

it would also be very confusing for any kids that we might have.

Why would it be confusing ?
They will meet thier maternal family and know of that surname.

CathyMoran

Thaedydal wrote:

Why would it be confusing ?
They will meet thier maternal family and know of that surname.

Was more thinking along the lines of having one kid with each surname - my mother in law would not allow it in any case.

WhiteWashMan

when i get married, i will take my husbands name.

If I ever get married, I'm not taking his name.
Hopefully I'd have published some science articles by then anyway so it'd be important I keep my name...

Mrs_Doyle

I will be keeping my surname, and attaching my BF's name to the end of it.
When I have kids, they can take their fathers name, or both, I will leave it up to them.

I have had my surname my entire life, I am not about to drop in the name of marriage, I am quite attached it to