Was this sexual abuse?

LegacyUser

I've been online and in chat rooms since I was really young (I'm now 21, and female BTW). I was pretty mature for my age at the time, knew all about sex and whatever (from magazines etc) and would look at porn online mainly out of curiosity. Anyway when I was 13 I was in a chatroom, a general one, and a guy started talking to me and asked for a picture which I stupidly sent. He suddenly started asking sexual stuff, had I ever had sex, and that kind of thing. I was kind of shocked, but then I kind of made up a story that I had, just to see what he said, and he kept on asking those kind of questions. When I got bored of him I just logged off. This happened a couple of times.
At the time I felt like it was no big deal - I knew he was a freak, although I didn't understand about pedophiles and that - and I could have logged off but it was more fun to make up this story. Now I keep hearing about the 'abuse' of children by online predators and wondering if *I* was sexually abused. I never considered it abuse since he never met me nor tried to meet me. But I suppose it did have an affect on me, making me really aware about sex at probably too young an age, and feeling like a sexual being. The thing is I'm not sure if I'd have been like that anyway. I don't know.

I have a friend who was molested by a relative and I can't compare myself to her since she was actually raped. So I don't know if I can call my experience 'abuse'. I actually was a slow starter with boys in the end - I didn't have my first kiss until 16 and lose my virginity until 20 which is pretty late for most people. So it's not like I became promiscuous. I'm just kind of confused now since I've realised that I might have been abused in some way.

Nevyn

I would not say abuse.
I would say that you were taken advantage of but you did at least know that something wasn't right and had the wit to log off.
Odd stuff happens to us all as we grow up from odd converstaions to flashers but if it has not had a long term effect on you I would chalk it up to experience , see if you want/can do something about it now legally.

If you need someone to talk to I suggest your gp.

theTinker

I wouldnt call it abuse at all to be honest.
I would label the grown up guy as a dirty old perv but since it happened online, that you seem to be kinda initiating the talk yourself too with your made up story, that you logged off when you got bored and no ill effects came from it etc, I would count it as just a silly and wrong experience made by to your naivete(expected in a young teen though, nothing personal).
If it went on for a while with regular contact with this guy. Then i would consider it a very slight case of abuse and only if he was the initiator of most of it.

As you said yourself, you were curious about sex etc so its normal to explore it. Just probably not the best way of exploring it.
It was a dangerous and stupid thing to do but with the internet so open and since you were young, its hardly uncommon or unexpected. I did a few stupid things do on the net. Ya live and learn.

Faith

No, I wouldn't call it abuse in any way. I know I was in similar situations when I was 12 and 13 and figuring out the internet. I'd say a lot of kids were. Don't worry about it.

LundiMardi

Prick tease???

Okay maybe that was in rather bad taste, my apologies!!

No, i would not say abused, and i'm quite curious as to what you think abused actually means?

Trinity

No i wouldnt say abused.

You say you were mature for your age yet a slow starter. Did you know what was going on then? This kind of thing unfortunately happens a lot and perhaps you were vulnerable and niave to send your photo, but you did put yourself in a tricky situation logging onto chat rooms and sending your photo to older men.

No you really cannot compare yourself to someone that has been raped. But if its bothering you by all means go talk to your GP.

Good for you knowing something wasnt quite right and logging off.

Out of curiousity did you tell him how old you were?

Mojito

LundiMardi wrote:

Prick tease???

Okay maybe that was in rather bad taste, my apologies!!

No, i would not say abused, and i'm quite curious as to what you think abused actually means?

Yes I have to aggree with LundiMardi here. He/she could have been the same age as you. I'm curious too as to how you think you were abused?

imeddyhobbs

Wondering wrote:

I've been online and in chat rooms since I was really young (I'm now 21, and female BTW). I was pretty mature for my age at the time, knew all about sex and whatever (from magazines etc) and would look at porn online mainly out of curiosity. Anyway when I was 13 I was in a chatroom.

Is this for real?
you were pretty mature when you were 13 but now you seem not to be mature enough to figure this out for yourself 8 years later?
Are you having a laugh,is she having a laugh

Black Swan

Were there consequences for you? Abuse results in consequences. People are hurt by abuse, and it affects their lives. If you feel that this experience has affected your life in an adverse way, then see your GP. If not, chalk it up to experience. And if and when you have kids, remember this experience and act accordingly.

LegacyUser

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

. If you feel that this experience has affected your life in an adverse way, then see your GP

are you having a laugh,is he having a laugh?
an antibiotic is no cure for this case,thats what an irish GP will give her,a good old antibiotic.

Kell

imeddyhobbs213 wrote:

are you having a laugh,is he having a laugh?
an antibiotic is no cure for this case,

What case? A weirdo freaks her out on a chat room, she breaks contact, no adverse ongoing psychological problems. Sounds like there is actually nothing to worry about.

I knew all about sex at 13 from older brother and older friends- should I go back and sue them for sexual abuse?

K-

sutty

I'd have to say... no, not in the least bit were you abused. More than likely the lad was just cracking one off while you were telling him your made up story :rolleyes:

aidan24326

You were not abused. Taken advantage of a little bit maybe, but abuse would be the wrong word. As someone else pointed out, you don't even know what age the other person was. It's just a general assumption to think that it was a 'dirty old man'. Maybe it was, but could just as easily have been another teenager like yourself. Either way, it sounds relatively harmless and I think you should just put it down to experience/forget about it.

Of course it's possible that this was one of those seedy paedophile types who prey on young girls in internet chatrooms, but you'll never know, he didn't try to lure you into anything, so best forgotten.

want2play

Jesus Wondering, from that post it sounds like you want confirmation to be able to wear an I was abused "label"

Spare a thought for the people who have been physically abused and not just had some dirty old man, if even that chat to them online. Stop being a drama queen!

dr.bollocko

Come on wtf?
First off, this happened a few times, at your initiation. Second, you lied to the guy. Third, you never actually met him, nor do you know if he is a he or how old he is. What do you think he did, sprayed rohypnol on you through the keyboard and showed up while you were sleeping?

There is a more worrying sub-plot to your misguided tale of intrigue:
What the hell is going on with irish society that people like this are being raised. Are we now all just victims meandering around looking for a crime?
"Where's my childhood trauma, my friend has a much worse one than me, maybe theres something i overlooked."
Im sorry but I cannot see how you can have sympathy for this sort of ridiculousness.

Are you, in all seriousness, just taking the piss?

LundiMardi

dr.bollocko wrote:

Come on wtf?
First off, this happened a few times, at your initiation. Second, you lied to the guy. Third, you never actually met him, nor do you know if he is a he or how old he is. What do you think he did, sprayed rohypnol on you through the keyboard and showed up while you were sleeping?

There is a more worrying sub-plot to your misguided tale of intrigue:
What the hell is going on with irish society that people like this are being raised. Are we now all just victims meandering around looking for a crime?
"Where's my childhood trauma, my friend has a much worse one than me, maybe theres something i overlooked."
Im sorry but I cannot see how you can have sympathy for this sort of ridiculousness.

Are you, in all seriousness, just taking the piss?

ok, this is the post i originally wanted to post.. heh heh...

OP, i honestly got the impression from your post that you are actually looking to be a ''victim''. Why? Only you know the answer to that.

LegacyUser

I meant I was sexually mature as in I'd had my period for years etc and was thinking about sexual stuff and that. My 13 year old cousin still plays with dolls. That's what I mean. It wasn't a sex chat room or anything btw - it was a general one. I used to log on to them all the time and had never had a problem. I knew the guy was older but I didn't think at first it was anything sexual. Obviously that was naive. I was just wondering if other people had this experience, and people have said they have. I already stated I hadn't considered it abuse, but there are some people who seem to think it is. That's a fact. Making inappropriate sexual comments to a child (presumably in real life) is a form of abuse. Obviously not as serious as going and raping someone but it's still not very healthy is it?

And to everyone moaning about me wanting to be a victim - just get lost, OK, if you don't have anything constructive to say. The reason I even wondered in the first place was that I have a very bad attitude to sex and relationships and am often disgusted at the thought. I don't know if this has anything to do with those experiences or I would have been like this anyway. My parents had a very bad relationship so it might be more that. But I always feel abnormal for not really having feelings for guys (and no I'm not a lesbian)

Talliesin

want2play wrote:

Jesus Wondering, from that post it sounds like you want confirmation to be able to wear an I was abused "label"

Sounds more to me that she's had a negative experience that doesn't fit any label she can find for it and is struggling to own that experience but lacks terms to help her do so.

Trinity

LundiMardi wrote:

ok, this is the post i originally wanted to post.. heh heh...

OP, i honestly got the impression from your post that you are actually looking to be a ''victim''. Why? Only you know the answer to that.

To be honest - me too.

I think the word is guilt. Maybe you feel bad about yourself for engaging in these conversations and forwarding photos at that age and you said yourself you only stopped when you got 'bored' with him. And now you are trying to justify this in your head by blaming the other party involved. I'm not saying he isnt as much to blame but try not to feel like a victim.

Just put it down to experience of growing up. We are all curious at that age and maybe want to grow up a little bit too quick.

Maybe it was new and exciting, whatever it is you feel, you were not abused. Again maybe a little niave but who isnt at that age. It could have been a hell of a lot worse had you met up with him.

Mojito

Wondering wrote:

My 13 year old cousin still plays with dolls.

There are 13 years olds that do have sex! :eek:

Nevyn

With the age of sexual maturity ie the age of the first period and the first wet dream averaging arround 10 to 12 years ( and in some cases as young as 9 ) there are a lot of 'children' out there that have sexual feeling and reactions that they have not yet learned about, been taught about or how to deal with them or what is appropiate and this leads to a lot of confusion and experimentation and often doing things that when you look back as an adult make you want to cringe.

This seems to me to be one of those things.

A young girl can easily get her head turned by flattery and notice and end up in the deep end when she was only trying to test the waters.

This is why we have(had) laws about this type of thing to stop them being taken advantage of.

We permit them to develope and experiment with thier peers, but unfortunatly we don't educate them enough.

Wondering if you are not that effected by it just chalk it up to part of the awkwardness of growing up.

Killaqueen!!!

dr.bollocko wrote:

Come on wtf?
First off, this happened a few times, at your initiation. Second, you lied to the guy. Third, you never actually met him, nor do you know if he is a he or how old he is. What do you think he did, sprayed rohypnol on you through the keyboard and showed up while you were sleeping?

There is a more worrying sub-plot to your misguided tale of intrigue:
What the hell is going on with irish society that people like this are being raised. Are we now all just victims meandering around looking for a crime?
"Where's my childhood trauma, my friend has a much worse one than me, maybe theres something i overlooked."
Im sorry but I cannot see how you can have sympathy for this sort of ridiculousness.

Are you, in all seriousness, just taking the piss?

brilliant! not much to add to that. it wouldn't be as bad if you were 13 now, making this post but years after it happened (when I say 'it' i mean nothing because to be honest I don't think you were abused in any way)...I mean you're 20?! how can you seriously think you were sexually abused. what the hell were you doing talking to a randomer anyway? you say you were sexually experianced for your age....I doubt it because you wouldn't be teasing a dirty old perv if you could get the real thing from a boy your own age. I'm sorry if this is harsh but I'm just confused as to how you think you were abused...I'd be pushed to say you were even taken advantage of. Because you brought it on.

Nevyn

Killaqueen!!! there is a difference between sexually mature and sexually experienced. and remember, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

I'd be pushed to say you were even taken advantage of. Because you brought it on.

Are you serious? That's paedophile talk. "Oh, the kid 'brought it on', they wanted it to happen." A grown man has no business talking to a child about sex and coming on to them, on or offline. It's most definitely wrong, since it's illegal and people in the States have been arrested for it.

Your attitude is appalling TBH. No wonder there are so many sex abuse victims who think it was their own fault, since they didn't stop it happening and perhaps enjoyed it. Even if a 12 year old 'seduces' an older man, that doesn't make it OK, FFS! Kids of that age have all kinds of feelings and are confused. It's up to the adult not to take advantage. If you don't think the grown man was in the wrong - that's worrying. It might not be considered sexual abuse as such, but it's still an adult taking advantage of the naivite of a child. Curious does not equal sexually experienced. And if she WAS sexually experienced at 13, that would concern me as well. Good God.

Talliesin

Leilani Purring Sack wrote:

Kids of that age have all kinds of feelings and are confused. It's up to the adult not to take advantage. If you don't think the grown man was in the wrong - that's worrying.

Damn right.

Saying "kids are sexually mature" misses the point. If children where completely sexless they wouldn't be hurt by perverts - the immature sexuality (and a sexually mature body does not entail a mature sexuality) is a big part of what we're protecting when we protect children from perverts.

dr.bollocko

OK,first off, so I dont let this thread through my whole post I am gonna get out this one large expletive now. OH FOR FUUUUUUUUUCK SAKE!!!!!!.
on the crazy mad world of the internet, it is not the responsibility of the law abiding non-paedo pervert to ensure that the person he is jerking off to is not under-age.
First, we have to wonder about why parents aren't ensuring their sexually curious newly teen daughter isnt indulging in explicit conversations with strange old men on the net.
And yes, when you read the facts of the post, she did bring a large amount of it on herself.(Large amount of what by the way???)
She put herself entirely in that position through curiosity. She logged on, sent him a picture, fudged over some details, and whats more did it more than once, even replying to his sexually explicit comments.
Nowhere did she indicate that she told the guy her age and a picture can be a pretty powerful lie.
The tone of the post seemed to indicate the OP thought this was just happening to her, whereas in reality she logged onto the site with the explicit knowledge of what she was doing. She even continued to type to him for **** sake.
Plus, she didnt say at any stage that she told this guy that she was under-age, she merely sent him a picture.
It was just some sexual curiosity being fulfilled with some anonymous stranger, who himself was probably a 13 year old bloke that happened ten years ago or something on a chat room.
What do u want to do, burn down all the servers? Shut down the ISP's! Burn AOL logos on the streets of baghdad until something is done!
No. You ignore it, because it isnt any kind of abuse at all. In fact its about the same as a 13 year old guy reading the Penthouse letters page.

Trinity

God forgive me for saying this but there are children out there lying in bed as we speak terrified of who might come into their bedroom and what they might do to them.

This girl was watching porn, was in chatrooms, sent photos of herself to a total stranger, made up stories about having sex and continued this type of conversation until in her own words she got 'bored'. Not she got 'scared' or any other reason.

She also never answered my question about how old she told him she was.

If the world were perfect there would be no child abuse, there would be no paedophiles and the OP wouldnt have been put in that position but unfortunately its not.

Dr Bollocko has a point, its up to us a parents to monitor our children and to teach them about the real big bad world out there.

I am not condoning this mans actions whatsoever, the question was 'was i sexually abused'. HOnestly i say no. I dont wish to get into a debate over what constitutes sexual abuse, there are forms which dont even require physical contact i know that. But i dont think this was it.

I think Its a cold hard fact that the OP learned a hard lesson - i am not minimising the fact that it may have been upsetting. It could have been worse believe me.

However i do think that her issues with sex and relationships may be better explained by her parents situation and how she feels about herself.

OP dont feel bad about what happened. As Thea said we all do things growing up that maybe we feel bad about or cringe about but it is normal to be curious about the world and sex at that age. Its part of growing up. Just be glad it didnt go any further for your own safety and try not to let it dwell on you or have any affect on your life now. If it is, then talk to someone.

There are 13 year olds who give birth. Possibly not mature or experienced but they are still doing it!

Nevyn

dr.bollocko calm down has any one here said that it was certainly abuse ?
The op wasn't sure how to classify this as she look back at what would have been a very confusing time in her developement.
Yes certainly developing young adults do over step the bounds it is how they learn and yes a minors interweb usage should be monitored and the parents should have a had a good enough relationship to talk to her about it at the time
but such is life and not every parent is as intersavy as some of the users on boards.

takola

dr.bollocko wrote:

Come on wtf?
First off, this happened a few times, at your initiation. Second, you lied to the guy. Third, you never actually met him, nor do you know if he is a he or how old he is. What do you think he did, sprayed rohypnol on you through the keyboard and showed up while you were sleeping?

There is a more worrying sub-plot to your misguided tale of intrigue:
What the hell is going on with irish society that people like this are being raised. Are we now all just victims meandering around looking for a crime?
"Where's my childhood trauma, my friend has a much worse one than me, maybe theres something i overlooked."
Im sorry but I cannot see how you can have sympathy for this sort of ridiculousness.

Are you, in all seriousness, just taking the piss?

Thank you!!! I really wanted to post this! :eek:

No you were not sexually abused IN ANY FORM! You were just unfortunate enough to get talking to a perv when you were young.

I'm sure he knew how old she was (and the photo was likely an indication). ffs I had all kinds of perverts trying to talk about sex in chatrooms when all I wanted to do was talk to people my own age. Chatrooms aren't so widespread anymore, but they were back in 97 or so. I don't see how going into a general interest chatroom and innocently sending your photo to someone constitutes 'bringing on' the sexual stuff. It's the same as going to play football in the park and having someone flash you - that's what once happened to me. Was I asking for it for being alone in a park aged 11? I don't think so. The 'blame the victim' mentality I often see here disturbs me. Yeah sometimes the kid might 'play along' but they shouldn't be put in that position in the first place. This case may not be sexual abuse but it certainly is an adult taking advantage of a child.

I hate the whole 'oh shut up, you could have it worse' argument as well. The OP clearly stated that her friend who was abused clearly dealt with much worse. But that doesn't mean her experience wasn't disturbing. It's like breaking your leg and someone going "oh well, you think you have it bad, try breaking your back." Totally pointless. Just because it could be worse doesn't mean that it isn't an issue. Look at all the posts on PI all the time about people worrying about girlfriends/boyfriends/friends. Shall we just tell them all to get over it and be grateful they aren't starving orphans in Africa? Most problems posted here are trivial in the grand scheme of things. It doesn't mean they aren't real problems.

Trinity

What did you do when they wanted to talk about sex Izzy?

Did you send them photos and make up stories about having sex possibly intimate details? DId you continue to chat to them until you got bored??

Or did you log off?

When you got flashed at did you run home upset or did you stay there chatting and ask for another look?

Children who are being abused do not have a choice in the matter.

And they dont continue to do it for 'fun' as is the OPs own words.

If this happened to my 13 year old daughter i would hit the ****ign roof. I said i was not minimising the effect it might have on people. I also said it was not a perfect world.

I know real victims of abuse so dont even go there.

JC 2K3

I'd be surprised that a 13 year old girl in 1998 would be regularly using the internet. I was unique using the internet regularly when I was 12/13, and that was 2001/02....

And no, you weren't abused.

Since you asked, I did laugh about it at the time and say something crude to the guy. I was shocked. That doesn't mean I was encouraging him or that I deserved it. It was a defensive reaction. I didn't want to start crying since that's what he wanted - to intimidate me. I didn't realise until a few years later how potentially traumatising it was. For someone who thinks they know sooo much about abuse Trinity1, you don't seem very well informed. It isn't as black and white as that - that the kid hates what is happening and wants to get away. Why would it be? One of my friends was molested by her grandfather and it took years for it to sink in that it was wrong, since she had found it pleasurable. She had sometimes initiated it. Does that mean she was in the wrong, since she wanted it to happen? Was she to blame for 'seducing' him? Of course not. None of it would have happened if he hadn't taken the first step.

BTW I've been using the Internet since around 1996. It was quite rare then but a good few of my friends were as well by 98-99. EVERYONE was on it by 2001 - where on earth do you live JC2K3?

takola

Leilani Purring Sack wrote:

Since you asked, I did laugh about it at the time and say something crude to the guy. I was shocked. That doesn't mean I was encouraging him or that I deserved it. It was a defensive reaction. I didn't want to start crying since that's what he wanted - to intimidate me. I didn't realise until a few years later how potentially traumatising it was. For someone who thinks they know sooo much about abuse Trinity1, you don't seem very well informed. It isn't as black and white as that - that the kid hates what is happening and wants to get away. Why would it be? One of my friends was molested by her grandfather and it took years for it to sink in that it was wrong, since she had found it pleasurable. She had sometimes initiated it. Does that mean she was in the wrong, since she wanted it to happen? Was she to blame for 'seducing' him? Of course not. None of it would have happened if he hadn't taken the first step.

You can't compare those two things! They're completely different! :eek: Can you please tell me what you think would be traumatising about being questioned on the internet about whether you've had sex or not? That is not traumatising! That is life. That girl had a choice, She could have logged off the internet or told her mother. Instead she made up a story meant to impress him and continued to talk to him! Victims of sexual abuse have no other choice than to take what they're being forced to experience!

I'm sorry but it really sounds to me like YOU'RE the one who doesn't have a clue what you're talking about!

Caryatnid

takola wrote:

You can't compare those two things! They're completely different! :eek: Can you please tell me what you think would be traumatising about being questioned on the internet about whether you've had sex or not? That is not traumatising! That is life. That girl had a choice, She could have logged off the internet or told her mother. Instead she made up a story meant to impress him and continued to talk to him! Victims of sexual abuse have no other choice than to take what they're being forced to experience!

I'm sorry but it really sounds to me like YOU'RE the one who doesn't have a clue what you're talking about!

Hear hear.
And Izzy: what's this:

Leilani Purring Sack wrote:

For someone who thinks they know sooo much about abuse Trinity1, you don't seem very well informed.

I don't see where Trinity1 seems to 'think' she knows 'sooo much' about abuse. I have found all over Trinity1's posts to be very well balanced, and I agree with them all.
I agree with Izzy though in response to JC 2K3. It's entirely plausible that the OP was on the net back in '97.

No, the cases are not that different. What is being said here, more or less, is that unless the 'victim' makes every effort to escape the abuse, it's their own fault. I am simply stating that this is not always true, and this is in my experience. I take issue with people acting like there is one way to react to things. IMO no matter how much a child seems to like engaging in this kind of chat and provokes it, they are still a victim, and the adult is totally in the wrong. That is what I said in response to someone who obviously thought OP was some kind of Lolita soliciting older men online. I find it disgusting that people appear to be excusing the behavior of a dirty old perv and blaming a naive young girl (yes 13 year old girls are naive, no matter how much they think they know about sex). I am not comparing it to rape, obviously. But it is pretty disturbing. Like I've said more than once, making lewd comments to a child is considered sexual abuse. People have gone to jail for it. So acting like sexual abuse only 'counts' if there was physical contact is simply misguided.

Reading Trinity1's statements I get the impression she thinks she knows it all about this subject. I think it's a bit of a nerve to assume the way I reacted in my situation. The assumption was wrong, I explained how I actually did react. I explained why I disagreed with her statements. I'm not going to write it over and over. It doesn't seem logical that she says she'd hit the roof if this happened to her daughter, while saying it's no big deal for the OP. Seems kind of hypocritical to me.

Victims of sexual abuse have no other choice than to take what they're being forced to experience!

Not true. People sometimes continue to have relations with their abuser when they are well past the age where they could have left home/severed ties. Women stay with husbands who are abusive when they don't have to. It is NOT always as simple as having no other choice. If people can't swallow the fact that many abuse victims enable and even encourage their abusers instead of running from them, then too bad. Apparently you're not allowed to call yourself a victim of abuse unless you were forced kicking and screaming every time. The point I'm trying to make is it isn't always like that.

Mojito

takola wrote:

You can't compare those two things! They're completely different! :eek: Can you please tell me what you think would be traumatising about being questioned on the internet about whether you've had sex or not? That is not traumatising! That is life. That girl had a choice, She could have logged off the internet or told her mother. Instead she made up a story meant to impress him and continued to talk to him! Victims of sexual abuse have no other choice than to take what they're being forced to experience!

I'm sorry but it really sounds to me like YOU'RE the one who doesn't have a clue what you're talking about!

I have to agree with you on this takola. It's plain as day to see she wasn't abused. Surely she can figure that out at this stage :rolleyes:

Talliesin

takola wrote:

Victims of sexual abuse have no other choice than to take what they're being forced to experience!

Bollocks. Deeply offensive bollocks at that.

Having a choice, but that choice being very difficult, and likely inflated in your mind by the abuse itself so that it seems much less of a choice than a more distant rational analysis would say does not stop abuse being abuse.

Luckily we can get rape and sexual assualt convictions without having to demonstrate a physical struggle anymore, but it's sickening that this attitude still persists.

dr.bollocko

Well what with the plathisms in your sig, found a few lines from "A life":

A woman is dragging her shadow in a circle
About a bald hospital saucer.
It resembles the moon, or a sheet of blank paper
And appears to have suffered a sort of private blitzkrieg.
She lives quietly

With no attachments, like a foetus in a bottle,
The obsolete house, the sea, flattened to a picture
She has one too many dimensions to enter.
Grief and anger, exorcised,
Leave her alone now.

Nevyn

dr.bollocko stop dragging the thread off topic., unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

LegacyUser

To be honest you were not sexually abused, in my opinion. Sexual abuse is a much more crude and vile term to be honest. You were on the internet talking to someone who was taking advantage of you on webcam whatever. That's it. If you need counselling at all, its not because that happened to you. There may be other issues.
Sexual abuse is taken nowadays as common as muck. I unfortunately happens so much but because we live in a media orientated society along with claim country, so many attention seekers and opportunists are using it as an excuse to claim abuse.
And I have a personal story of a family member who was seriously abused without saying a word until he went to his grave!
Make your own mind up on what happened to you!

Kell

wondering wrote:

And to everyone moaning about me wanting to be a victim - just get lost, OK, if you don't have anything constructive to say

Tis the nature of posting on a public forum. You cant dictate what someone says to you.

wondering wrote:

The reason I even wondered in the first place was that I have a very bad attitude to sex and relationships and am often disgusted at the thought.

Now that does deserve airtime. Irrelevant of the chatroom experience, a revulsion towards sex is unhealthy. Its one of lifes best pleasures and if something is preventing you from going the distance with someone it can have all sorts of negatives beyond just the bedroom.

wondering wrote:

I don't know if this has anything to do with those experiences or I would have been like this anyway. My parents had a very bad relationship so it might be more that. But I always feel abnormal for not really having feelings for guys (and no I'm not a lesbian)

I say irrelevant of your particular experience as I know rape victims that havent had their sex lives affected at all, but who have had much more affected.

You may be able to tell whether you would have had these feelings or not. Have you tried hypnotherapy (not the "now thats magic" variety) to roll back what consciousness has rolled the blanket of denial/suppression over a trauma of some description? It could be the chatroom; you may have wandered in on your folks mid coitus and were disturbed by it- you dont know.

At the end of the day it is something that is bothering you. Twenty poeple from different sides of the "was it abuse" fence fighting with eachother wont do you any good. A therapist might though.

Now only one question remains- are you big enough to go find the answer to whats bothering you? Do you really want to fix your problem that prevents you from looking at men and having good thoughts?

Best do it sooner than later. Theres a lot you stand to miss out on and not just sex.

K-

Marksie

I have been following this thread quietly for some time now, trying to piece together what the issue was.
And it should be brought bac ON topic
If we put aside the emotive stuff that has been going on, to some extent Dr. Bollocko touched on it, and Kell has definitely seen it.

The Issue is not whether the chatroom experience per se has affected you, or the relationship between your parents, or any one of a hundred different things... bad first and subsequent encounters which reinforce the atitude and lack of feelings. (personally i don't think it a single thing..but that is neither here nor there)

The issue here is in fact that by your own admition you are disgusted by the thought of being intimate....

It is a brave step to admit it and your age is with you...

You do not know whether any particular incident has caused it as you yourself said...

So dont look for an incident to point the finger at... In fact avoid saying yes everyone agrees this was abuse..it IS what it did to me. It may not be and you may be deluding yourself as to the real cause... which can very easily surface later.

The journey starts with a first step.. you have made that in admitting to us here that you have negative feelings towards intimacy.

That is what you must tackle first... the cause of it will become obvious.

So My advise is simple...... Continue on exploring ... see a professional counsellor or coach. Discuss these issues with them... in time the reasons will become clear

takola

Talliesin wrote:

Bollocks. Deeply offensive bollocks at that.

Having a choice, but that choice being very difficult, and likely inflated in your mind by the abuse itself so that it seems much less of a choice than a more distant rational analysis would say does not stop abuse being abuse.

BUT SHE HAD A CHOICE!!!

Look the question she asked was "was I sexually abused?" She wasn't sexually abused. She wasn't forced into that situation. Nobody will convince me that she was sexually abused.

I hear what yourself and Izzy are saying about not always having to be forced to be abused. The point that I am trying to get across is that you are always forced! Even if it is only that first time that you are! No child or adult asks to be abused. The abuser puts them into the position where they can't walk away, Or worse still makes them want it! Abusers are always very manipulative. They find ways of making you like what they're doing. But you're not making that decision, They are! If that makes any sense at all!

I was unfortunate enough to be one of those children who was abused from a young age.loved my abuser, So much so that I protected him for 10 years without him saying a word about me keeping my mouth shut. I initiated it sometimes because I liked the attention. The thing that I find hardest to forgive is that he made me like it, and he made me question myself for years afterwards on whether it was my fault or not! It wasn't my choice to like it, That was his. It wasn't my choice to be abused, that was his! I couldn't have left it, He wouldn't have let me although it may have looked like he would have. The point I am making is that I had no choice but to do everything he wanted me to do! He didn't threaten any of the people I loved. He never physically forced me to stay with him. Until the last while he never frced me to do anything that I didn't want to do. Instead he made me believe that he loved me. And I loved him, I'd have done anything for him. It's the worst kind of abuse there is. But though it may seem like I could have told, or ran away I couldn't have.

I'm not saying that girl doesn't have issues, It seems obvious that she does. I just find it very hard to believe that they come from one faceless man on the internet asking inappropriate questions. She COULD have walked away, She did when she got bored of it! I don't believe that was sexual abuse. If you ask any teenage girl now you'll find nearly all of them have been questioned on whether they've had sex. Are they all victims of sexual abuse? No they aren't, Yes they've been taken advantage of but no they haven't been sexually abused.

Trinity

I do know a lot about it actually.

And let me tell you there is a big difference to a grown man holding down a child and raping her to a girl sitting behind a computer screen with an 'off button'.

The question is 'was this abuse' - the answer is no.

Was it right? NO

Was the guy a perv? - yeah most likely

But the difference here is she had a choice to turn off the computer but instead she sent photos and conversed with him until she got bored.

Go back and read my other posts and stop picking out the sentences that suit you. I already said i didnt condone it or say she deserved it. I also said there are many forms of abuse that may not even require physical contact.

Is this one of them? No

I also said if she felt it was affecting her life she should go talk to someone. We all have a story to tell. You and your flasher, me and my experiences. Unfortuantely most of us have had to deal with sexually inappropriate comments or behaviours growing up.

Sitting behind the safety of a computer screen we have time to make judgement calls, take the time to think about if and what we will reply, unlike your situation that it happened face to face when you least expected it and you were not given the opportunity to assess the situation, you were put on the spot and even at 13 i would hope that there is a fundamental knowledge of what is right and wrong and i am sure she knew this guy was doing something wrong.

He was a slimeball but she made a bad judgement call to continue it - again getting back to the point of she had the log off button to stop it.

Most abusers will either make you fear them or love them. Most often they are people you may admire or look up to and see regularly. You may be afraid to say no, and, like your friend you may not even realise you are being abused becaue you love this person so much it feels normal, you want to make them happy.

She did not continue this out of fear or love (or ultimately stop it out of fear) she did it cos sit was fun and then he got bored with him.

YES it was wrong of him but was it abuse - NO.

The world is full of perverts. And yes if someone said this to my daughter (i dont have one by the way i meant if) i would hit the roof at him but i would hope that she would have the cop on to come tell me immediately and not send him photos and engage in dirty talk with him til she got bored so i could report his ass.

He could have been 13 too for all we know. But on the assumption he is an older man and he did know she was only 13, yes he put her in that position. But she KEPT herself there.

In a community of 75,000 not everyone will share the same opinions. I think the OP has enough of them here to make her own call now as to whether she feels it was abuse and if she needs help dealing with it.

i wont be bantering back and forth and having to relive and share with the world my own personal experiences to get my point across to a total stranger who never even stopped to consider for a moment that i may actually have some basis for my opinions.

End of discussion for me!

LegacyUser

takola wrote:

BUT SHE HAD A CHOICE!!!

Look the question she asked was "was I sexually abused?" She wasn't sexually abused. She wasn't forced into that situation. Nobody will convince me that she was sexually abused.

I hear what yourself and Izzy are saying about not always having to be forced to be abused. The point that I am trying to get across is that you are always forced! Even if it is only that first time that you are! No child or adult asks to be abused. The abuser puts them into the position where they can't walk away, Or worse still makes them want it! Abusers are always very manipulative. They find ways of making you like what they're doing. But you're not making that decision, They are! If that makes any sense at all!

I was unfortunate enough to be one of those children who was abused from a young age.loved my abuser, So much so that I protected him for 10 years without him saying a word about me keeping my mouth shut. I initiated it sometimes because I liked the attention. The thing that I find hardest to forgive is that he made me like it, and he made me question myself for years afterwards on whether it was my fault or not! It wasn't my choice to like it, That was his. It wasn't my choice to be abused, that was his! I couldn't have left it, He wouldn't have let me although it may have looked like he would have. The point I am making is that I had no choice but to do everything he wanted me to do! He didn't threaten any of the people I loved. He never physically forced me to stay with him. Until the last while he never frced me to do anything that I didn't want to do. Instead he made me believe that he loved me. And I loved him, I'd have done anything for him. It's the worst kind of abuse there is. But though it may seem like I could have told, or ran away I couldn't have.

I'm not saying that girl doesn't have issues, It seems obvious that she does. I just find it very hard to believe that they come from one faceless man on the internet asking inappropriate questions. She COULD have walked away, She did when she got bored of it! I don't believe that was sexual abuse. If you ask any teenage girl now you'll find nearly all of them have been questioned on whether they've had sex. Are they all victims of sexual abuse? No they aren't, Yes they've been taken advantage of but no they haven't been sexually abused.

Being abused by relative or whatever for years is like a rollercoaster, some days you love the abuser and others you hate them! that's what it was like for me!!
But being groped on webcam is a very separate issue and the poster is lookin for attention that surely for one would annoy me! I have no time for attention seekers because a lot of people who are genuinly abused, are too embarrassed to speak up or feel very stupid for doing so. I've overcome that, im sure the poster has too but she should be able to figure it out for herself and realise that its NOT abuse! Its a potential threat to your safety and privacy ok but not abuse! It's very wrong but still not physical or sexual abuse! It's being the victim of "voyeurism".
They are two very different but closely related types of abuse. One is abuse of the trust of the person in the chatroom and the other is physical force and taking advantage of a person who doesn't have decision making power!They are related but no where on the same scale!

Talliesin

I'm not so sure about this "attention-seeking" concept people are bandying around.

Look, I agree that this doesn't constitute sexual abuse and certainly not a sexual assault. But exactly what "attention" is the OP seeking? They're posting a question about an experience anonymously. They've had an experience that they can't find a good label for - precisely because it was a bad thing that doesn't constitute sexual abuse - and they're trying to sort out their thoughts about it.

As for those people who are attention-seeking in some way. Do people think these are perfectly well-adjusted people with no negativity in their background thinking "hmm. I'm bored, shall I sort out that cupboard in the kitchen that needs a good clean-out, or shall I invent a dramatic incident in my past and see what attention I get from it - eeny, meeny, miney, mo..." or do you think it's more likely that they've got other bad **** that they can't get a handle on as well as they can the fiction?

I'm not condoning such behaviour, but I "attention seeking" is a sign of issues in itself.

Really, it seems to me that attention-seeking behaviour is precisely what the OP is trying to avoid in getting a handle on what happened. There's a lot of confusion in her viewpoint (e.g. she says she was "pretty mature" one minute and that she didn't know what a paedophile was the next) but that confusion isn't necessarily a sign she isn't genuine. She's started off leaning towards saying "no" to her own question herself, and it's healthy to say "look, just what do people think about what went down here" rather than either reaching for the label abuse immediately or dismissing the whole thing.

Trinity

I feel i should add this as i took it off topic and i just remembered what it was like to be 13!.

OP - you may seem that people have been coming down hard on you for this. Try not to take it personally, its a public forum and you may not always like what you hear. If you were 13 and it was happening to you now i am sure the reaction would be different.

What happened when you were 13 was not right. But you did nothing wrong. If you do feel bad about it - don't. He was the adult he should have known better. I think the majority of people here would say no it was not abuse. However no-one knows what you feel inside or how it has affected you.

The best thing to do is to talk about it with someone you trust. If you feel you have issues, it is always good to look at your life as a whole instead of pinpointing one thing that may have triggered it and in the end you miss where the problem really lies as you are so focussed on what you think it might be.

Your parents relationship would have a big affect on you, as it is what we grow up with and generally it shapes our views on love, marriage, sex etc.

Good luck with it anyway.

BrenC

Nah you weren't abused.

Dinxminx

You were not abused. At all. In any way.

Killaqueen!!!

Leilani Purring Sack wrote:

Are you serious? That's paedophile talk. "Oh, the kid 'brought it on', they wanted it to happen."

'it'...what's it? The fact is she WASN'T sexually abused and nothing happened.

A grown man has no business talking to a child about sex and coming on to them, on or offline.

Agreed. But who's to say he even knew what age she was? (Maybe he did but from what I've read she never told him what age she was)

It's most definitely wrong, since it's illegal and people in the States have been arrested for it.

Never did I say it wasn't. In my eyes, the guy is a d1ickhead for talking to this girl IF he knew what age she was.

Your attitude is appalling TBH. No wonder there are so many sex abuse victims who think it was their own fault, since they didn't stop it happening and perhaps enjoyed it. Even if a 12 year old 'seduces' an older man, that doesn't make it OK, FFS!

Why? All she had to do was log off as soon as this old perv started talking dirty to her. What did she do? She started flirting with him - talking dirty back..,making up erotic stories. Even sending a picture of her for chrissake and your saying it's all the guys fault?

Kids of that age have all kinds of feelings and are confused. It's up to the adult not to take advantage. If you don't think the grown man was in the wrong - that's worrying. It might not be considered sexual abuse as such, but it's still an adult taking advantage of the naivite of a child. Curious does not equal sexually experienced. And if she WAS sexually experienced at 13, that would concern me as well. Good God.

It is up to the adult not to take advantage but it aint a fairy tale world out there. She insists she was 'mature' for her age...? seducing an older man and then asking if it's sexual abuse? That's damn near what I would call jail bait.
Once again, I never said the grown man was right - he was clearly wrong...but to be honest, so was OP for flirting with him.