violent husband

LegacyUser

This may be quite vague but I'm trying really hard to stay anonymous. Basically in the last few weeks my husband has started to become violent toward me. Lately every arguement that we have results in varying levels of physical violence from pushing me and holding me down, throwing things at me or tearing me around by the hair and slamming me into the wall or floor.

We've been together 5 years but the violence is quite recent. Recently he did something which caused me a huge amount of emotional hurt and we've been arguing a lot about it. Something reminds me of it and I get upset, then we start arguing and as I feel we're getting somewhere he decides he's had enough and refuses to talk anymore. I end up feeling bad and apologise to him and we make up, unfortunately once the initial happiness of the make-up has passed I feel like nothing has been resolved, but worse than when I started as I feel that he has manipulated me into feeling sorry for him and apologising. So I stew for a few days but eventually it all blows up again.

The thing is a few weeks ago he absolutely blew up and attacked me physically. He felt so bad immediately afterwards and we talked and I said I felt that the root cause of both him attacking me and the original thing we're arguing about was his drinking. He tends to get kind of pissed on a regular basis and I've been waiting for something to make him take control of it.

I really thought that he had hit rock bottom when he physically attacked me, and that it would be the wake up call that he needed to seek help. I believed, and still do believe, that if this had been a catalyst for him to address his drinking problem then all the horridness of the past month would be worth it.

Unfortunately, he's has made no real effort to address his drinking but has become frequently violent. It's as if getting away with attacking me once has made him feel he can do it again. I'm not yet ready to leave him, I know this is his drinking and not him. I've been in a violent relationship before and this is nothing like that. He normally encourages me to do the things I love, to challenge myself, to make new friendships. He inspires me when I'm down, he's genuinely pleased if I get a new job, do well at work or find a new hobby.

But lately he's someone else. I don't know what to do anymore.

Beruthiel

kuvgk wrote:

I'm not yet ready to leave him, I know this is his drinking and not him.

And this is the first step towards allowing him to get away with this behaviour. Whither he is drinking or not, it is him who is doing this.

He normally encourages me to do the things I love, to challenge myself, to make new friendships. He inspires me when I'm down, he's genuinely pleased if I get a new job, do well at work or find a new hobby.

People who are violent towards their partners are not 100% bad people, they can be very nice until they start beating. Don't allow your self respect and esteem to be erroded away. This should have been nipped in the bud the first time it was done. Tell him straight, you are leaving if it ever happens again and if it does, stick to your word and leave. This is the only way to make him understand you are serious. Anything else is a validation of his behaviour.
best of luck.

theTinker

kuvgk wrote:

I end up feeling bad and apologise to him and we make up, unfortunately once the initial happiness of the make-up has passed I feel like nothing has been resolved, but worse than when I started as I feel that he has manipulated me into feeling sorry for him and apologising.

The thing is a few weeks ago he absolutely blew up and attacked me physically.

him attacking me

It's as if getting away with attacking me once has made him feel he can do it again.

This broke my heart....
Well the way your argument resolutions go, nothing is being resolved so i dont see how anything is going to improve at all. All that happens is an increase in the frequency your husband beats you.
Having the most important person in the world to you attack must be life wrenchingly difficult.
They arrest people for even hurting dogs like and this guy hurts you...
He certainly should feel like once he has hit once then he can get away with it again, why? because he can and is and you've shown him he can get away with it a few times.

I wouldnt even try to resolve this with him in private. He could get enraged and seriously hurt you. Yes im sure you think he wouldnt mean it but frankly it doesnt matter if he means it or not. Firstly i would get somewhere you can stay for a while, then anyone that you can trust to be there when you tell him you need to move out for a while. Your life could be in danger ffs, Your living with someone who actually assaults you regularly. He needs serious help, and you shouldnt have to worry about your phyiscal safety. Your only moving out so he can space to fix himself up, you can decide what to do then. You being there is giving him a target to vent his problems on and then he feels guilty and angry so soon enough he needs to vent again. Its a horrible cycle which will only escalate.

6th

kuvgk wrote:

It's as if getting away with attacking me once has made him feel he can do it again.

I'd say that has a bit to do with it. Its not your fault for letting him away with it as I can understand you would give him a chance but he's not going to stop on his own. In this case I would call around to find a sympathetic community Garda, talk to them and see about them visiting the house. Sometimes a chat from someone who's seen what can happen will snap thigs back into place.

kuvgk wrote:

I know this is his drinking and not him. I've been in a violent relationship before and this is nothing like that.

Not all violent and abusive relationships are the same. Just because it isnt like your previous one doesnt mean this isnt a violent relationship. Living with an abusive partner is hard, sometimes breaking the connection can seem harder.

I know I'll be thinking about this thread for a long time and I hope you can find the strength to talk to someone and get help.

Best of luck.

galah

This may sound simple, yet so difficult: Leave him. Now. Before it gets even worse.

You say you're not ready yet - how bad does it have to get before you are ready? First visit to a hospital? Visible signs of violence? Family asking questions? First time the police comes around? Serious injuries? Ending up half-dead somewhere?

As long as your husband does not want to change (i.e. his drinking), nothing will change, and it will get worse! And as long as you put up with it, he does not have a reason to stop.

And don't even start blaming yourself for anything, or thinking that you may deserve it, because it's your fault (abusive people will try to get your ego down, and trick you into a nasty way of thinking that some or all of their behaviour is your fault, so you deservie - it's their way of upping their ego, and their low self-esteem) - that's how the vicious circle starts. Get your confidence up, and walk out now, before it gets to you bad!

I hope you find the strenght to make the right decision - this is about YOU, your happiness, your life, not HIM.

seamus

Pack up and go somewhere that you can stay for an extended period of time.

Make it clear to him that you're leaving because you're afraid of what he might do next, and the only way he can begin to try and get you back is to go and get help for his drinking. Don't try and confront him face-to-face about it. Don't tell him where you're going, but make sure he has your mobile so he can contact you.

Nevyn

Womens Aid (1800)341900

There is someone on the end of that phone line who can advise you and tell you what help and serives are advailible to you.

You can also go to the family law courts and seek an emgerncy safety order.
This means that if he hits you gain you can ring hte garda and they will remove him from the family home.

ALanon is a support group for people who have peopel with drink problems in thier lives.
(01) 873 2699 10.30 am - 2.30 pm Mon - Sat, Weekend 24 hour confidential helpline (01) 8732699.

If you don't have children I would personally pack and bag and go stay with a friend or a family member and get out of there.

If you do have children and you are a stay at home mam and feel reliant on your husband then think about going to talk to your local welfare officer and see what help is advailible to you to remove yourself and your children from
the horrendus home you are living in.

Yes there are spouses that stay with thier partnersadn thier partners mend their ways eventually but the sbusive partner has to want to change and it is more often not the case.

greenkittie

I can't believe you people are all telling her to give up so easily! She's been with this guy 5 years and obviously loves him very much, the situation hasn't escalated to the levels of where she has to run away yet. It's still salvageable. I say first thing to do is to go to counseling, try and get a councilor to make him see sense. Obviously if it continues, then its time to leave but dont give up yet.

Heinrich

greenkittie wrote:

I can't believe you people are all telling her to give up so easily! She's been with this guy 5 years and obviously loves him very much, the situation hasn't escalated to the levels of where she has to run away yet. It's still salvageable. I say first thing to do is to go to counseling, try and get a councilor to make him see sense. Obviously if it continues, then its time to leave but dont give up yet.

Unfortunately, he's has made no real effort to address his drinking but has become frequently violent. It's as if getting away with attacking me once has made him feel he can do it again. I'm not yet ready to leave him, I know this is his drinking and not him.

You are not the one being abused! The guy is violent and the proper advice was given by Beruthiel!

If you fancy being beaten up by a cowardly drunkard bully for you but please do not impose your ideas on others who are not sure. :mad:

Kell

greenkittie wrote:

I can't believe you people are all telling her to give up so easily! She's been with this guy 5 years and obviously loves him very much, the situation hasn't escalated to the levels of where she has to run away yet.

I cant *believe you're advocating she stay in an abusive relationship. This fúcking muppet has so little respect for his wife that he would physically assault her. How often do you let a dog bite you before you kick it in the head?

OP- perhaps start with your GP and as others have said, find somewhere you can go for an extended period of time. The fact that you have been in an abusive relationship before has already eroded your self respect that you show any tolerance to physical abuse at all.

Bear this in mind. Most people when challenged about something that causes others upset, like drinking, take peoples point of view onboard and do something about it. Your husband is completely irrational and unstable if his response to your concerns is to a) argue with you and b) assault you. This is NOT going to change unless you leave him no alternative.

K-

*Deliberately holding the rest of my thoughts for fear of banning

seamus

greenkittie wrote:

I can't believe you people are all telling her to give up so easily! She's been with this guy 5 years and obviously loves him very much, the situation hasn't escalated to the levels of where she has to run away yet. It's still salvageable. I say first thing to do is to go to counseling, try and get a councilor to make him see sense. Obviously if it continues, then its time to leave but dont give up yet.

Ì wouldn't suggest permanently ditching him - it's clear that his drinking is the root of the problem. However, if he loves her as much as she loves him, then he should be willing to do anything to sort his problems. Unfortunately for a lot of people, it's only when they realise that they may lose their partner that they have the motivation to take sufficient action.

Walking out and living elsewhere is the equivalent of a one-woman intervention.

Slutmonkey57b

greenkittie wrote:

I can't believe you people are all telling her to give up so easily! She's been with this guy 5 years and obviously loves him very much, the situation hasn't escalated to the levels of where she has to run away yet. It's still salvageable. I say first thing to do is to go to counseling, try and get a councilor to make him see sense. Obviously if it continues, then its time to leave but dont give up yet.

This isn't a relationship issue, it's an issue with physical abuse. They don't need councelling, she needs to get out before he hurts her badly. If he was likely to "see sense" he wouldn't be hitting her in the first place.

greenkittie

Well sorry but i think that people who instantly condem someone just because they are going through a bad time are idiots. You have to think about it from his side. If she leaves him, he will be alone and unsupported. Most likely things will get worse for him he probably already hates himself for what he does as it is. From the sounds of what she posted its still at a stage where it can be fixed. I would abandon someone i loved to self destruct so easily.

Tobias Greeshman

greenkittie wrote:

I can't believe you people are all telling her to give up so easily! She's been with this guy 5 years and obviously loves him very much, the situation hasn't escalated to the levels of where she has to run away yet. It's still salvageable. I say first thing to do is to go to counseling, try and get a councilor to make him see sense. Obviously if it continues, then its time to leave but dont give up yet.

He's slammed her head into a wall and into the floor. Tell me, just put yourself in that position for a minute, would you stay with the hope that counselling might help? How many potential injuries might she pick up before she even gets him into counselling, because he seems to clam up when she tries getting him to talk about their relationship. So tell me when should she give up, when he puts her in hospital because he had too much to drink and knocked her unconscious, because she nagged him a little more than usual about his drinking.

@OP: Moving out for a few months might make him see some sense. Let him sort himself out, and if at the end of this he hasn't at least attempted to address his issues then I'm afraid he's a lost cause and your only option is to move on with your life.

Heinrich

greenkittie wrote:

Well sorry but i think that people who instantly condem someone just because they are going through a bad time are idiots. You have to think about it from his side. If she leaves him, he will be alone and unsupported. Most likely things will get worse for him he probably already hates himself for what he does as it is. From the sounds of what she posted its still at a stage where it can be fixed. I would abandon someone i loved to self destruct so easily.

You are joking surely? Self destruct all he wants before he destructs her.

Unsupported? You are advocating supporting a violent drunkard who runs the risk, in your estimation, of destructing himself because it would be the wife's fault?

Your comments are dangerous. Those who are condemning this lout are not idiots, far from it!

LegacyUser

i posting this to remain anonomus. my sister went thru something similar. She was married for nearly 20 years, and her husband beat her constantly for all that time. she kept it hidden from us for all that time. we eventually found out when she was beaten so bad that she couldnt take it anymore and confided in my sister in law. you maybe sure, we got her out of there straight away.

That was 2 1/2 years ago, she is now living in a new house, has recently started seeing a new fella, and is no longer the nervous wreck that she was.

My point is, if he gets away with it once, he will do it again and again. If he refuses to get help, then you have no option but to leave him, for your own safety.

Ickle Magoo

greenkittie, I wouldn't abandon someone I love to self distruct but I would certainly advice the OP to take herself out of the situation of being his personal punching bag. 5yrs or 50yrs the first time a man hit me it would be the last time he saw me - there is never an excuse. :mad: A bad time?! Kicking the $hit out of your partner is a "bad time" ?:eek: I suppose murdering her would be an exceptionally bad day?! :rolleyes: Stop defending the indefensible by using phrases like "the situation hasn't escalated yet" and "bad time" - who are you trying to convince!

Anyone who regularly physically assaults their partner are past the point of being able to sit down for a nice chat about things. The OP needs to get herself to a place where she is safe first of all & then mediation can begin if her husband is willing. She also needs to start telling people what is happening. Her family, friends, GP, etc. Abusers rely on secrecy through shame & intimidation - take away the secrecy by telling people & stay somewhere independant of him to stop the intimidation. If he wants you back then tell him what steps he needs to take to regain your trust. Best of luck OP.

BobTheBeat

You need to take action now,dont allow it to go on any longer. You should leave for a time, tell those who matter most that you are going through a rough patch and you need some time apart.

The only way he can get you back is by seeing someone for his drinking problem and his anger issues. You must be very clear about this. You really have to lay down the law now, as he has gone so far with his actions and you have not pulled him on anything proper.

He needs a serious dose of reality, in order to recognise what he his about to lose. Do not put up with this anymore.

Nevyn

The gp is a good idea get your dr to document any injuries and to make a note on your medical file about the assult taking place.

This creates an offical record of it.

greenkittie wrote:

Well sorry but i think that people who instantly condem someone just because they are going through a bad time are idiots.

Just becuase anyone is going through a bad time that does not give them the right, the leeway or the excuse to hit the person they are ment to love and adore.

greenkittie wrote:

You have to think about it from his side.

No we don't, no she doesn't. He gave that up when he assualted her for the second time. Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern.

greenkittie wrote:

If she leaves him, he will be alone and unsupported.

He chose this.
That may every well be the consquences if he wants to change them then he has to work to earn her trust and respect.

greenkittie wrote:

Most likely things will get worse for him he probably already hates himself for what he does as it is.

Good maybe when he hits rock bottom when she leaves him he will wise up and see that he needs help and see about getting some.

greenkittie wrote:

From the sounds of what she posted its still at a stage where it can be fixed.

Yes that may be the case but she needs to draw a line and figure out where her head and her heart is and to do that she needs space away from him and the toxic place that has become her home.

Wether she stays away or weather she leaves him for good or not she will have to decide for her self.

greenkittie wrote:

I would abandon someone i loved to self destruct so easily.

Everyone has thier limits and what she has spoken of here may not be all of it.

Beruthiel

greenkittie wrote:

Well sorry but i think that people who instantly condem someone just because they are going through a bad time are idiots.

You are joking right?
It's one thing going through a hard time, it's is quite another to be going through a hard time and taking it out on your partner through violence. If you cannot see that HUGE difference, then I believe there is a reason for that and you should take a good look at yourself and your way of thinking.

None of us here would suggest leaving someone because they are having it rough, anyone with half a brain however, can see that you do not stay with a partner who beats you.

You have to think about it from his side.

We should think he's right to beat her!?

he will be alone and unsupported.

Ya, it's a 'wake up call', it's exactly what she should do, perhaps he might actually think about his behaviour now that he's alone.

Most likely things will get worse for him he probably already hates himself for what he does as it is.

And if he uses his brain, he will go get professional help, sort himself out and perhaps spend some time proving to his wife that she take him back.
I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone not prepared to do that.

Ph3n0m

Have to agree with Beruthiel

Hit me once, shame on you, goodbye and good riddance, you dont get to hit me twice

RiderOnTheStorm

I agree with most posts here. You HAVE to get out! And/or get help! Dont delude yourself into thinking that it will change if you keep your head down and say nothing.

Leaving is going to be real hard, and you will feel like crap, and it will feel like defeat and loss but if you are being repeatedly abused (physical or emotional), then you owe it to yourself to go. If he cops on after you go, and gets help and you see a real change, then you can decide if you want to try again. If you still love him (now) and want to help him, maybe leaving will be part of that helping process. Sometime we hurt the ones we love in order to help them (mothers bring kids to hospital for op's, partner telling you they found a lump, etc) It might be a wake up call. The short term pain of a split will be worth it if it helps, right? And if he self destructs then you are better off out of it.

whatever you do, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

ferdi

next time he does it, pack your bags.
go live with a friend for 2 weeks and then call him and maybe go back home if you can patch things up. tell him if he ever goes down that road again, you're finished.

galah

greenkittie wrote:

I can't believe you people are all telling her to give up so easily! She's been with this guy 5 years and obviously loves him very much, the situation hasn't escalated to the levels of where she has to run away yet. It's still salvageable. I say first thing to do is to go to counseling, try and get a councilor to make him see sense. Obviously if it continues, then its time to leave but dont give up yet.

Could you please tell me to what level this SHOULD escalate before the OP has a "right" to leave, then????

Marksie

Ickle Magoo wrote:

5yrs or 50yrs the first time a man hit me it would be the last time he saw me - there is never an excuse.
Anyone who regularly physically assaults their partner are past the point of being able to sit down for a nice chat about things.

I had it from the other side of the fence i.e she did the hitting. and the poset who said that people are not 100% bad is right... it is never that clearcut in the majority of cases. But for my self esteem, my self confidence and for my general spiritual and emotional wellbeing the cycle would never be repeated.

GreenKittie: staying in teh hope of it getting better is just not an option. Its not mills and boon.

And Ickle is right.. The shock and despair i felt was unbelievable. Three years together or no three years together..that was it.... to continue would have been tacit acceptance of being abused and for it to get worse.

OP: if you pack your bags and leave it will give you breathing space to recoup and assess what you want to do.

It may also be a wake up call for your husband to stop his drinking. It cannot be escaped that the trust has gone.

But for yourself and your own future escaping the cycle is best for the moment...

It will then be up to your husband to decide which path he wishes to take, the harder one to recapture what was lost or the easy one at the bottom of teh bottle.

greenkittie

All im saying is that people give the usual give up and run away advice too easily. I'm not going to post any more on this subject.

Beruthiel

greenkittie wrote:

All im saying is that people give the usual give up and run away advice too easily.

And all we are saying, is that if you find it acceptable for your partner to lay a finger on you in this way, then you are in need of some professional help until you understand that this is not something someone who claims to love you would ever do.
Greenkittie, there is more to your comments than you are telling, but I feel that there is a reason you think any woman should put up with this, your thinking is not healthy, please find someone to talk to.
Staying with someone who hits you gives the wrong message, it basically tells them that it's ok for them to do it. Actions speak louder than a thousand words.

Ickle Magoo

greenkittie wrote:

All im saying is that people give the usual give up and run away advice too easily. I'm not going to post any more on this subject.

Someone I love & trust starts punching me & you condone me for giving up & running away? I think your view is very skewed. The minute a person raises their fists to another human being they have lost all rights to sympathy & cajulling. It's not running away - it's staying safe & having enough self-respect to walk away & find someone who isn't going to beat you. Why on earth should anyone have to stay & put up with physical abuse or be deemed a failure in the relationship? The only failure in a violent relationship is the person doing the hitting, expecting others to accept violence in a relationship as their "duty" to their partner is perverse, I think you need to speak to someone too...best of luck.

galah

"All im saying is that people give the usual give up and run away advice too easily. I'm not going to post any more on this subject."

really? Let me tell you, I was in an abusive relationship with a drug addict for three years, cut off from my friends and family, on a different continent, no way to get out - and it took me TWO years to finally see what was going on and leave that relationship. It took a lot of strenght, a lot of tears, and a lot of pain - and now, years later, I wonder why I hadn't left him earlier, why it took so long. He always said he was going to change, changed for a couple of days, and turned back to his old nasty self. If I had left him at the first signs of abuse, I would not have wasted a couple of years of my life that I could have spend more happy, in less pain, and actually confident and relaxed.

This way, I had zero self-confidence (and it took 3 years to get that up again), I had a nervous breakdown, a lot of drama, and a lot of anger and resentment for a good few years. All for the sake of "not giving up too early".

So bollocks to that. If the husband of OP actually changes, fine. They can then get back together. But noone should tolerate violence in a relationship, under any circumstances.

LegacyUser

I'm probably making excuses, but the first attack was by far the worst one. Since then it's violent but not really designed to hurt me, but I do find it incredibly intimidating. I know the arguments themselves are as much my fault as well as his, I can be incredibly obnoxious at times, but the level he takes it to is not acceptable.

We have talked and have an appointment with a counsellor. I'm hoping that talking to a third party about this will make a difference. It really is his drinking that's the problem. Last night after we talked and made up our latest argument an hour later I found him downing a large glass of whiskey. Even if the violence wasn't an issue I'm so tired of being with him night after night while he gets drunk.

I'm going to give the counselling a shot, but I am also going to look into seperating if it doesn't work. We don't have children but we do have a kitten, which I wouldn't want to leave behind if I went. I'm not sure where I could go and take her. What would be the story if I asked him to leave and got a restraining order? I could always change the lock on the door? I couldn't imagine him coming and trying to kick the door down, then again a few weeks ago I wouldn't have imagined having this problem.

Marksie

galah wrote:

"All im saying is that people give the usual give up and run away advice too easily. I'm not going to post any more on this subject."

really? Let me tell you, I was in an abusive relationship with a drug addict for three years, cut off from my friends and family, on a different continent, no way to get out - and it took me TWO years to finally see what was going on and leave that relationship. It took a lot of strenght, a lot of tears, and a lot of pain - and now, years later, I wonder why I hadn't left him earlier, why it took so long. He always said he was going to change, changed for a couple of days, and turned back to his old nasty self. If I had left him at the first signs of abuse, I would not have wasted a couple of years of my life that I could have spend more happy, in less pain, and actually confident and relaxed.

This way, I had zero self-confidence (and it took 3 years to get that up again), I had a nervous breakdown, a lot of drama, and a lot of anger and resentment for a good few years. All for the sake of "not giving up too early".

So bollocks to that. If the husband of OP actually changes, fine. They can then get back together. But noone should tolerate violence in a relationship, under any circumstances.

*hug* with you on that one.
Hope you are coping well now.

Op: nonone is moiraliseing or saying you are running away. But the advice is sound.. and coming from people who either have been there or seen it

Lust4Life

There is no excuse for violence in a relationship.
The more you allow him to behave this way, the more severe it will become.

I lost a very dear friend to domestic violence. And even worse, she was murdered right in front of her children.
The cause of the fight? He thought she was cheating on him. She wasn't, but there obviously was no convincing him of that. So in other words, her death was senseless.

OP, I urge you to look into the resources Beruthiel has offered. You do not have to live with this. You do not deserve to live like this. It is not the way a normal relationship ought to be.

There are solutions. Please seek them out!

Hugs,

L

Dreamer 7

I do agree OP that you need to get out for at least a week to get him to realise what he is doing and what he needs to do if he wants you in his life. My partner was violent towards me at the beginning of our relationship, always with drink involved of course. He has major problems communicating and lashed out instead. I took a long time but we managed to open up and talk through everything. he went to AA for a while but felt that it wasnt for him. I thought at the time is was another cop out but he has managed to find a level of drinking that is sociable. These days thank god we can have a few drinks then a meal and a night cap before we go home and I never feel on edge like I used to.

He needs to loose what he has in order to realise how good he has it. So i dont believe you should leave for good because i was told that also (usually by single people who had no idea that relationships need alot of work!) but you still love him and the good outweighs the bad at the moment.

But that sick feeling in ur stomach when you are agreeing with him just to keep the peace will kill you inside. The watching and waiting incase you say the wrong thing will kill ur love for him long term.
Get some space OP to get your head together Good Luck!

tbh

kuvgk wrote:

I'm probably making excuses, but the first attack was by far the worst one. Since then it's violent but not really designed to hurt me, but I do find it incredibly intimidating. I know the arguments themselves are as much my fault as well as his, I can be incredibly obnoxious at times, but the level he takes it to is not acceptable.

We have talked and have an appointment with a counsellor. I'm hoping that talking to a third party about this will make a difference. It really is his drinking that's the problem. Last night after we talked and made up our latest argument an hour later I found him downing a large glass of whiskey. Even if the violence wasn't an issue I'm so tired of being with him night after night while he gets drunk.

I'm going to give the counselling a shot, but I am also going to look into seperating if it doesn't work. We don't have children but we do have a kitten, which I wouldn't want to leave behind if I went. I'm not sure where I could go and take her. What would be the story if I asked him to leave and got a restraining order? I could always change the lock on the door? I couldn't imagine him coming and trying to kick the door down, then again a few weeks ago I wouldn't have imagined having this problem.

to be honest with you, I'd go the other way around: step 1: move out
step 2: councilling. If you can see he's made a serious effort to sort himself out, then consider moving back in with him, but not before. As it is, your life is tied (shackled?) to his. If you move out, and he self-destructs, at least you are not around to get splattered. Plus, you show him you are serious (making him either confront the issue or totally ignore it) and you give him real incentive to change. I'm afraid its probably all too common for women to say - and to think - "I'm not putting up with this for another five years" etc - get out now. Remember, he'll only change if he wants to himself, probably for now it's easier for him to not confront it, and if you are supporting him - which you kind of are at the moment by sticking around - he doesn't have to. he can think "if it was serious, things wouldn't be so normal". I'm not blaming you for a second, just saying how IMO the best thing for you AND him is to go, and force him to deal with it, or not.

Ickle Magoo

tbh wrote:

to be honest with you, I'd go the other way around:
step 1: move out
step 2: councilling.

Ditto...what's to stop him being violent towards you at the moment? Nothing. You have to remove yourself a safe distance away until you are sure it won't happen again. If he is still drinking then you are not safe. If you are still in the house cooking meals, chatting to him, etc, etc, you are condoning or ignoring what he has done. Agreeing to see a councellor is great but do you think your husband realises the true gravity of what he has done? How far he has stepped over the line of acceptable behaviour? If you have even a doubt he could be violent twards you again then you are completely bonkers to sit there & wait for it to happen.

Nevyn

You can get an emgerency safety order in the matter hours if you go into the family law courts in Dolphin house.

He will get a copy of the order and will knw that his actin are not on and have been illegal and that you have recourse under the law.
IF he breaches that order he can be removed from the house by the garda and charges pressed.

As for kicking him out and changing the locks that depends on the siutation.
If you are rentig the house get intouch with the landlord and have him evicted.
If you both own the house ( with or with out a mortguage) and both your names are on the deeds you can not stop him entering his property with out a safety or restraining order.

If you change the locks and breaks down the door there is nothing the garda can do about him damaging his own property unless there is a safety or restraining order even an emergency one in place.
http://oasis.gov.ie/relationships/separation_divorce/barring_safety_and_protection_orders.html?search=safety+order

Under the Domestic Violence Act, 1996, Gardai (the Irish police force) have the power to arrest and prosecute a violent family member. Under the law there are two main kinds of protection available, a safety order and a barring order.

A safety order is an order of the court which prohibits the violent person from further violence or threats of violence. It does not oblige the person to leave the family home. If the person lives apart from you it prohibits them from watching or being near your home. A total of 987 applications for safety orders were granted through the District Courts in Ireland in 2004. The highest proportion of safety orders granted (552) was against the spouse of the applicant.

A barring order is an order which requires the person to leave the family home. A total of 1,295 barring orders were granted by the District Courts in 2004. Again, the highest proportion of barring orders granted, (751) related to the spouse of the applicant.

To get a barring order or a safety order you must attend a court hearing. While you are waiting for the court to hear your application, the court can give you an immediate order called a protection order. The protection order has the same effect as a safety order. In exceptional circumstances the court can grant an interim barring order. This is an immediate order, requiring the violent person to leave the family home.

A safety order can last up to 5 years and a barring order up to 3 years. These orders can be renewed.
Rules

If you are married, and can show the court that your spouse is violent in any way towards you or the children, you can get an order against him/her no matter how long you have lived together and even if he/she owns most or all of the house.

If you are not married, you can get an order against a violent partner if:

* you have been living together for a prescribed length of time (six out of the previous twelve months for a safety order, or six out of nine months for a barring order)
* he/she does not own most or all of the house you are living in.

I suggest you look at taking the kitten with you, getting someone to mind it or boarding it in kennels.

Beruthiel

kuvgk wrote:

Last night after we talked and made up our latest argument an hour later I found him downing a large glass of whiskey.

Then so far, he's all talk and no action. If he was serious about getting better, he wouldn't have downed that whiskey. He's got a problem and is not ready or able to sort it just yet.
I agree with tbh, move out or as you said, get a restraining order. Go see a solicitor on info on how to do that, first visit is free with most solicitors.

Aoide

First off, it's a good sign that you are questioning his behavior. Many times a person is so emotionally beaten down by the time the physical violence starts that they just accept it as deserved.

If you do decide to move out (even for the short term) don't tell him this in the heat of an argument. Have a plan already in place, and leave while he is away. You can contact him later when you are at a safe distance, but do not tell him where you are. This could put others at risk as well as yourself.

hullaballoo

From a personal point of view, I would have to say that you should get out of the relationship right now. It may have a two-fronged result. Firstly, it will get you out of danger (and it's a very very dangerous situation to live with someone who you love and who hurts you). That part is indisputable in its outcome, but difficult to be brave enough to do, so best of luck with that one.

Secondly, it may grant your husband the opportunity to do something about his drinking problem. If he sees that it's taking you away from him, he may be strong-willed enough to work at getting off the drink. I know that the loss of my last girlfriend made me think long and hard about certain character flaws I had, and I've been trying ever since to correct them. Not to get her back, but so that I'm able to have a better life in the future.

One thing that's for certain is that he will not make the effort if you stay with him and leave his actions unpunished. One of the things about a drug addiction like this is that often, it has to be treated like you would treat a naughty child. You need to "punish" the wrongs for the sake of teaching a lesson. Unfortunately with drug addictions (and dealing with wrongs by adults), the punishment tends to need to be more serious.

In terms of the legal aspects of restraining orders, there are a number of issues that I can see. Firstly, you need to talk to your solicitor. You need to make sure that it's your own solicitor, and not your husband's, or both you and your husband's solicitor. (I know that seems straight-forward enough, but you'd be amazed how many times women in your situation go to their husband's solicitor, who he just happens to be golfing buddies with!)

I would also recommend that you try to get a female solicitor for something like this. It will (a) be much easier to talk to her, and (b) easier for her to see where you're coming from. Men, for some unknown reason, generally tend not to take this sort of thing as seriously as they should.

In terms of actually getting the restraining order, it should happen quickly enough if there's a real need for it. Most courts nowadays are reasonably competent in deciding to grant these. (In the olden days, they were less so, because of the constitutional guarantee to protect the marital home. A more pragmatic approach is taken these days.)

I hope this has been of some assistance.

Mrs. MacGyver

Kell wrote:

I cant *believe you're advocating she stay in an abusive relationship. This fúcking muppet has so little respect for his wife that he would physically assault her. How often do you let a dog bite you before you kick it in the head?

OP- perhaps start with your GP and as others have said, find somewhere you can go for an extended period of time. The fact that you have been in an abusive relationship before has already eroded your self respect that you show any tolerance to physical abuse at all.

Bear this in mind. Most people when challenged about something that causes others upset, like drinking, take peoples point of view onboard and do something about it. Your husband is completely irrational and unstable if his response to your concerns is to a) argue with you and b) assault you. This is NOT going to change unless you leave him no alternative.

K-

*Deliberately holding the rest of my thoughts for fear of banning

I agree, you should not stay with him. Go for a temporary separation, space can help you both to gain perspective on what direction if any your relationship is going in. i know its hard from experience. Is there any way you can both go for relationship counselling to see if anything is salvagable?
If not make a fresh start. If he gets away with it on numerous occasions he will see it as a licence to keep doing it...dont give him that right

Pigman II

Leave the guy. Once a wife-beater always a wife-beater. Doesn't matter if it took 5 years. I know I'd smash the guys face in if I caught him doing it.

secret_squirrel

greenkittie wrote:

All im saying is that people give the usual give up and run away advice too easily. I'm not going to post any more on this subject.

Since when has running away been the same thing as giving up?

There's nothing stopping the OP trying to fix their relationship from a safe distance. It may be just the wake up call the husband needs.

She doesnt have to move out and end all contact with him you know.

Seraphina

greenkittie wrote:

I can't believe you people are all telling her to give up so easily! She's been with this guy 5 years and obviously loves him very much, the situation hasn't escalated to the levels of where she has to run away yet. It's still salvageable. I say first thing to do is to go to counseling, try and get a councilor to make him see sense. Obviously if it continues, then its time to leave but dont give up yet.

no offence but you seem like the kind of silly woman who stays with a man who beats her cause she 'loves' him or she thinks he'll change :rolleyes:

leaving him RIGHT now is what you need to do. it sends the immediate message that this is NOT ok and that you will NOT put up with it.
hang around and he'll think 'ahhh its grand, just give her a dig and she'll shut up', you're putting up with and accepting his violent and abusive behaviour, and it'll only get worse if you dont get out NOW

Black Swan

I would never put up with a violent husband, in thoughts or deeds.

madhitchhiker

Originally Posted by Blue_Lagoon
I would never put up with a violent husband, in thoughts or deeds.

i agree!:mad: gone are the days of martyrdom!:mad:

Dinxminx

I was in an abusive... holiday fling for a little while, and I didn't leave him - the only reason we broke up was because we had to go home. It was terrible, but I just couldn't see it. I thought he was wonderful, and he was always sorry after, which made everything okay. :rolleyes:

Anyway OP, I know it'll be hard and you're going to need all the help you can get but get out of there. Leave him on his own until your counselling is done, otherwise he won't take you seriously!

Thinking of you
x

Sam Vimes

greenkittie wrote:

Well sorry but i think that people who instantly condem someone just because they are going through a bad time are idiots. You have to think about it from his side. If she leaves him, he will be alone and unsupported. Most likely things will get worse for him he probably already hates himself for what he does as it is. From the sounds of what she posted its still at a stage where it can be fixed. I would abandon someone i loved to self destruct so easily.

its attitudes like that that allow abusive relationships to happen in the first place. let him be "alone and unsupported", maybe it'll make him cop on. the second he hit her she stopped being his wife and became his victim. a victim has no obligation to provide emotional support to her attacker

galah

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

I would never put up with a violent husband, in thoughts or deeds.

Unfortunately, this is easier said than done (not questioning you personally, just giving input..;-)) - I thought the same when I was younger - abuse would NEVER happen to me, I could spot it and would get out. And then I got stuck in an abusive relationship, and damn it was hard to spot it and get out!

Leaving someone you love (or you think you love, because they're the ones making you think you're worthless, and noone else will take you) is harder than a lot of people think - women are usually afraid to step out, and are even more afraid of being alone (again, due to a crushed ego) - so they put up with an abusive relationship for fear of alternatives...And then there is the "the devil you know" school of thought - even more scary, because it show inherent fears of "this will happen again" paired with a very low confidence...So the first thing is to get the confidence going again (takes a lot of time though), and then reestablish your life...

Another thing is - talk to people you're close to - don't be proud (don't know how to phrase it differently - all I can say is that even after I realised something was wrong in my relationship, I was way too proud for a good while to admit it, and deal with it, admit that THIS has happened to me. To this day, my mom does not know what happened to me in my relationship - I couldn't face telling her. But do yourself a favour, and talk to someone you trust, to get perspective!

I think a restraining order is a little overkill at this point, OP, just move out, give him time to think about his priorities, and his life, and try to find your priorities and your footing!

I sincerely wish you all the best!

LegacyUser

OP, a lot of what eveyone has said is true.

Although it may be hard to leave, he will never stop what he is doing unless you do take a vital step and get out of there and in helping yourself, help him too. It may also become verbal and mental manipulation (which seems to havealready started).

Another thing to dwell on is that if you stay with him now, without any drsatic action being taken, it is likely that chlidren will be on the way and it will be even harder for you to leave him then, even though it will no doubt be just as hard for you to raise children in such a household.

I grew up with a violent father and saw my mother suffer through it, and her torture to see the kids suffer through it. But she always believed that he would get better, and that us kids needed a father figure. She was wrong but still, only left him 30 (long) years later.

Do not wait any longer. you wont be helping himself nor yourself.

Good Luck and be strong.

LegacyUser

So I actually thought things were going to be ok, and was glad when this thread moved off page 1. We had booked a counselling session for next week and he seemed to be cutting back on the drink. I knew we still had far to go but I was hopeful that we could do it. Then tonight.

We were going out and having this stupid argument. Again I'd say I was at least half to blame for the argument itself, I ended up going home, after he'd completely humiliated me by storming off in a bus station when he knew I had no money, phone or keys. Ten minutes later he stormed back and threw bus fare and keys at me and marched off.

I went home, and completely mellowed, I text him and apologised for my part in the argument. He came back a few hours later and we seemed to make up. I said sorry, but he wouldn't accept it, he kept going on about how horrible I was. The thing is, I know my behaviour wasn't the best but his wasn't either- but lately he is putting me down more and more telling me how irrational I am, while yelling and screaming at me.

Then he started yelling and I asked him to stop as he was frightening the cat and he pushed me and I fell on the floor. It was just such a dismissive gesture on his part, so arrogant and I felt that this was so easy for him that this would never stop if I didn't make it. I gave him a chance to apologise for pushing me and he refused so I called 999.

I told him to leave or I would get a restraining order, he refused and said he wasn't going to be ran out of his house. He told me if I did that then he would leave and I would lose him and the house. I told him I didn't care about the house, that I cared about him but that if he was going to be like this then I would prefer to lose him.

After a lot of posturing he agreed to leave. Immediately my resolve broke, I started to beg him to stay, to just apologise for pushing me and we could go to bed and talk tomorrow. I got as far as "please don't go" when he snapped. He started calling me a sick bitch and he ran at me yelling. He was hitting at me, I had my hands held over my head and he caught them and started shaking me. I was screaming and crying. He went to walk away and he picked up his jacket and started hitting me with it. I know that sounds like nothing, but the zip was hitting me and it really hurt.

He left the room looking for his keys, but I found them and went to open the door so I could lock him out. He saw me and I don't know if he knew what I was doing or assumed I was trying to trap him but he lunged at me again. Shoving me into the door jam and I gave him the keys.

A few minutes after he left the cops showed up. They took my statement, helped me secure the door and are sending someone from a local women's aid (I think) agency tomorrow. They got me to ring him and find where he is and I have to call himif he comes back.

I'm not sure what happens from here. I'm in a complete state of shock. I'm so numb. I don't know if I want advice or some record of this for when I wake in the morning and want to beg him to come back. I swing from tears to numbness to terror. Not of what he might do, but of what happens now.

Are we over? Do I want that? I keep getting these flashes of nice times, of how great he used to be and how I want that back. But as much as I want that I don't want this anymore. I'm afraid, all the time. Sometimes of him hurting me, but mostly about his drinking. He tells me he didn't drink two of the past three nights. But I don't believe him. I don't trust him. I wish I did, because he really can be an amazing person but I just don't know anything anymore.

tbh

the hard bit is over. what you have to do now is stay strong. If you want my advice, don't read texts, answer phonecalls or agree to meet until you feel less vunerable. I know you are freaking out, but you are freaking out because that's what he's done to you - he has stolen your self-confidence. Don't let him back in your life - please. It sounds like you two are not meant to be together IMO.