Finding it hard to watch my girlfriend getting drunk

LegacyUser

I'm a bit of a health freak and hate the idea of poisoning my body with alcohol. I haven't let this stop my social activities though and I regularly socialise in sutuations where everyone is drunk except for me, and I don't mind this at all (unlike most non-drinkers). In fact I find drunk people a lot of fun because they let go of the ego and just let themselves have more fun, and I often go niteclubbing and dancing with people who are drunk and probably on drugs. I don't need to be intoxicated to have fun, but each to their own.

Strange thing is, I regularly watch my friends getting wasted and it doesn't majorly bother me, even though I find the concept of taking alcohol horrific for my own body. But recently I met an amazing girl who I am starting to love very much. She also happens to have the "lets go out and get wasted" mentality (which seems to be popular with a lot of people my age - mid-twenties), i.e. binge drinking to the extreme most weekends, or at least every second weekend.

At the beginning of the relationship I knew she was like this, and because I have no problems going out with my drunk friends I thought this would not be an issue at all. Especially seeing as she only does it once a week, or once a fortnight (unlike some of my mates hehe!). However, because we've been together over 4 months I really care for her... and it is becoming harder and harder for me to stand by and watch her drinking more and more alcohol as the night winds on. After 4 or 5 vodkas she is merry and having lots of fun. If she could leave it at that then I'd be happy, but she can't. She always has to have more and more, and if I say "You're nice and merry now, why not leave it at that and have a sprite", then she makes me feel like I'm putting a dampner on her night, so I just end up going with the flow and let her drink herself to stupidity... which is usually a minimum of 8 vodkas, and can easily go above 10 if some of her hard drinking mates are around (peer pressure and all that). This is becoming more and more painful for me to watch, cos I know how bad this is for the body and the mind, and I can't understand why someone would want to do this to themselves.

I used to drink a lot as a kid (15 onwards), but I stopped around 3 years ago after discovering meditation, and I've never looked back. I understand why someone wants to get drunk, and for me it was mostly an escape and because I was unhappy or feeling drepressed about life. Usually when I did it, it made me feel less lonely and helped me to loosen up and talk to people more. But if you're with someone you love, outgoing and social, and everything in your life is going great (and for her, it is, she loves her job, etc.), then why would you want to have so much vodka that you can't walk straight? I don't understand that mentality. Maybe there is something deeper down that needs to be healed for her before she can move on from this need to become intoxicated, but I dont know what it is.

Then again, perhaps my expectations are beyond what my generation considers realistic. I mean, it's not like she drinks every day, or spends loads of money on alcohol. She doesn't smoke or take any drugs either. And our relationship is fantastic in every other way, we have great fun together. I just wish she could go for a mad night out without going to the excess... it is well known that binge drinking is a lot worse for the body than regular drinking. I'm not a Mr.Sensible by any stretch, but it's just that this kind of drinking is seriously unhealthy IMHO.

Any advice on how I can tackle this situation, or am I just being an a$$hole and should just get over myself and go with the flow?

Darragh29

"Never trust a convert, they have too much to prove"...

LegacyUser

What are you saying? That doesn't really help. I just came to ask for help, not to be judged by somebody who knows nothing about me.

Faith

I can tell you now, you'll seriously p*ss her off in a very short period of time if you nag her about drinking. It's her body, not yours. You worry about yourself, and her look after herself.

IMO, you're compromising what you describe as a "fantastic" relationship just because you don't approve of her bad habit. Sure, it's not big or clever, or healthy, but it's her choice. Leave it be.

super_furry

You knew what she was like before you started going out with her, so there's no point in trying to change her now. If you do, you'll probably only make her resent you, which will become a major strain on things.

Nevyn

Why not suggest that you have sober dates on ocassion, show her that she can have fun with you and with out drinking.

Canis Lupus

"should just get over myself and go with the flow?"

Bob the Builder

Alcohol is doesn't mean depression and a **** life.

Alcohol is what teenagers and young people live on! Get over it! Yep, I had some difficulties with depression especially at my tender age, but I met people though being drunk that I laughed with, and to this day, i can think of three people who are my friends now. One of them through a drunken conversation made me see life differently, she made me just loosen up, that night, at 3am, she made me feel so good, and the effects of that drunken night have endured on me since....
Now, I'm happy as ever, and drink just because I like not giving a crap...I am such a tight person, I loosen up when I drink...
Just drink a bit, even three vodka's, or four glasses of wine, to fit in with your girlfriend.

Everybody will have their insecure thoughts, but your girlfriend is ut for the party time, she isnt out to drown her sorrows... she's out to have a race to see who can drink the most...

Wine is very good for you and vodka is just in line with what ur hubbie drinks... just dont exceed 8 units of alcohol yourself and you arent killing any part of your body....

Everyone can understand how alcohol will bring back a very negative memory of being a teenager, but look at you now! Your a caring boyfriend who wants the best for his girlfriend...your a changed man, and that makes you as free as a bird!

Drink is "Good in small amounts"...

Crash

To be honest, I think you are looking at this from purely your own experiences and the reasons why YOU drank more than anything else.

In a way you could look at this the same way in which smoking comes up in my relationships.

I smoke. its a habit, its an addiction. However, having low willpower in one area does not mean a)I have a weak personality b) I have an addictive personality and no willpower or the rest of c-z that you can think of. some people may have this, but each persons reasons for actions differ.

On another aside, I drink. sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Partially I enjoy getting drunk, more than that however, I really, REALLY enjoy the flavour and fizziness and coldness of a nice pint each person has different reasons for actions. some of these can't be cured by the same methodology as another person. In fact, generally the symptoms of one have no relation to another.

What i'm kind of trying to say (its late and i'm blathering) is what you consider may be the result of something being wrong or damaged, she can simply see in a slightly misguided way as amazing fun.

Love2love

I'm actually on the other end of this, my boyfriend doesn't drink and I do. When we first start going out, he was shocked at the amount that I drank. (Not that I drank alot but he thought that anything over 3 was excessive) So I told him that he doesn't have to see me get drunk, that he could go out with his own friends while I went out and drank with mine and after staying in 2 weekends without me, he soon realised that he would just have to live with my habit or live without me.
Having said that, I'm sure he's delighted that I'm pregnant and I can't drink in the coming months but he also knows that I will make up for it afterwards and he's on babysitting duties!:D

Dub_Ster

the way i see it , i used to frownabout this big time, but at the end of the day there body they decide what goe's on ...

ya it is a bit difficult to watch them be in one stupid state. for the intire night but shore thats the way it is , personally id try not to let what i think be the ruleing key shes out she s blowing of steam , that how she deals with it . what you can try do is show them allternitie ways to blowing of that steam with out, forceing it , etc ...

let her see that there are alternitives to what she does for letting her hair down ....

\m/_(>_<)_\m/

SoberNotJudging wrote:

or am I just being an a$$hole and should just get over myself and go with the flow?

use your own observation because IMO you are right and you do need to get over your issues... because that's what they are YOUR issues not hers.

galah

OP, have you actually talked to her about your concerns when she's sober? In a non-judgmental way (so no accusations, just simple questions?). Maybe if you actually tell her that it's painful for you to watch her getting drunk, maybe she might understand?

Otherwise, just don't go out with her (on a night out) if she plans to get hammered - simple as that. What you don't see does not hurt you...(that's my tactic with the boyfriend - not that he drinks excessively, mind you - but sometimes I just know he's up for a messy night with his mates - and instead of seeing him fall over and eventually having to carry him home (and listen to stupid talk for hours) - I just make other plans...way easier...;-)

Just drink a bit, even three vodka's, or four glasses of wine, to fit in with your girlfriend.
Drink is "Good in small amounts"...

huh? That's not a small amount, in my opinion...(then again, I'm ratarsed drunk after 2 glasses of wine). But I can see where the problems come from, if that's a general opinion of "a bit". Holy cow...

Spitfire666

galah wrote:

OP, have you actually talked to her about your concerns when she's sober? In a non-judgmental way (so no accusations, just simple questions?). Maybe if you actually tell her that it's painful for you to watch her getting drunk, maybe she might understand?

Otherwise, just don't go out with her (on a night out) if she plans to get hammered - simple as that. What you don't see does not hurt you...(that's my tactic with the boyfriend - not that he drinks excessively, mind you - but sometimes I just know he's up for a messy night with his mates - and instead of seeing him fall over and eventually having to carry him home (and listen to stupid talk for hours) - I just make other plans...way easier...;-)





huh? That's not a small amount, in my opinion...(then again, I'm ratarsed drunk after 2 glasses of wine). But I can see where the problems come from, if that's a general opinion of "a bit". Holy cow...

Funny you should add that last part, i was actualy gonna say ,when the OP said "a minimum of 8 vodkas" that that WASNT ALOT but again diff strokes for diff folkes. Did you ever think that she might not like your attitudes and beliefs? she could feel its a holier-than-thou attitude which you could see in that post but doesnt let it bother her. and I'd agree that youd be putting a downer on her night by asking her not to drink anymore. if she wants to drink, let her at it. im sure shes old enough to know its not clever but neither is driving too close to the car infront or not waiting for the green man before crossing the road or not tying your shoe laces but people do it. if you preach your beliefs to her she'll get sick of you fairly fast so although id say, DO speak to her about doing some other activities, id also say DONT speak to her about her NOT drinking if ya can understand what i mean.

also, alot of people would say that having 8 vodkas once every 2 weeks isnt exactly alot of drinking. People dont NEED drink to have fun but it DOES make a night fun at the sme time, you said it yourself that you enjoy being with drunken friends coz its fun how open and str8 talking they are.

Beruthiel

SoberNotJudging wrote:

I mean, it's not like she drinks every day, or spends loads of money on alcohol. She doesn't smoke or take any drugs either. And our relationship is fantastic in every other way, we have great fun together. I just wish she could go for a mad night out without going to the excess.

So all she does is go out and get drunk once a week or more.
Your nickname says 'not judging', but you are I'm afraid. You knew she did this before getting involved, if you attempt to stop her I'd imagine you'll be told where to go.

Miss Fluff

SoberNotJudging wrote:

I used to drink a lot as a kid (15 onwards), but I stopped around 3 years ago after discovering meditation, and I've never looked back. I understand why someone wants to get drunk, and for me it was mostly an escape and because I was unhappy or feeling drepressed about life.

Yes, YOU stopped after YOU discovered meditation because for YOU it was mostly an escape because YOU were unhappy or YOU were feeling depressed.

Why project YOUR issues about alcohol onto this girl. You say you love her and treasure the relationship but by behaving like this you are potentially jeopardising it. So she goes out with her friends occasionally and gives it socks? And......? Either choose not to go out with her on the nights she chooses to have a few (and I'd say she's prefer that as you're probably breathing down her neck and marking in chalk every unit that passes her lips) or put up and shut up. As long as she eats beforehand and is not putting herself in danger then it really is none of your business. This is YOUR issue, leave her be.

Ph3n0m

Sorry OP, but you are judging this girl by your own issues with alcohol and depression.

You said yourself she is happy, loves life, job, etc, etc - and yet when she wants to go out and get blitzed (and lets face it some people enjoy doing that, I know I do) - but I get blitzed not out of deperession or some kind of repressed anxiety - I do it because a) I want to and b) its my choice.

I have gone out nights and gotten wasted and others have gone out and have either no alcohol or some - but it boils down to what I wanted to do, not because of the wishes of others.

What is boils down is that you had issues in your youth with alcohol, depression and using that as your escape. Your gf is merely going out and enjoying herself - which we are all entitled to do.

As previously suggested - go out on "sober" dates - a meal and a movie, or something to that effect. It probably wont change your gf's attitude but atleast its a comprimise since you admit you "find it hard to watch her get drunk".

You keep on at her about her drinking you will only succeed in pushing her away or just pissing her off. Unless it was a serious alcohol problem, I think this is one case of "put up and shut up" (sounds harsh but I do think its true in this case)

nitrogen

SoberNotJudging wrote:

which is usually a minimum of 8 vodkas, and can easily go above 10 if some of her hard drinking mates are around (peer pressure and all that).

One problem with some of the replies is people are looking at this from inside the bubble of Irish culture. The amount of what people drink in Ireland, especially thinking they need to be wasted to have fun, is a big problem.

Dragan

Hey dude,

From a health point of view, her choice is her choice.

As already mentioned by others, do not assume that because you used to drink as you felt lonely means that she is doing the same. People just like to drink, and they like to get drunk. It can add a little something to an occasion, it can be a nice feeling all of it's own. There does not need to be a reason.

I go on an off drink as my health goals require, and I only drink because I enjoy it. If I have something on my mind, or am upset about something I purposely will not drink because I feel it is better to spend 24 hours tackling an issue and solving it that getting drunk and emotional over it!

Now then, if the lass was getting drunk and you were needing to look after her for the end of the night, or if she was getting drunk and fighting with you, then yes, you would have an issue.

As of now, you kinda don't.

I personally think that these feelings have been growing worse because as you grow together and closer you feel that she is happy, or should be happy. In the back of your mind you have this tangled connection between unhappiness and drinking, so when you see her drink you feel that maybe she is not happy???

It is just a suggestion as to they way your subconcious thought process is working, so maybe have a little think about that?

neuro-praxis

The culture of drinking in Ireland means that we justify our drunkeness and our insane binge drinking a lot, and are very defensive about the idea that maybe it's not a good idea to get drunk. You can see that in this thread.

My husband and I love a drink most evenings (a beer or a glass of wine), but if he were getting drunk on a weekly or even monthly basis because of binge drinking I would be very concerned as well. I consider regular drunkenness (not simply being merry) a genuine problem. It's one thing to overindulge on a special occasion - it's quite another, in my opinion, to be drunk every week.

Alcohol is a drug. I am quite sure seeing his girlfriend drugged up to the eyeballs every weekend is not nice for the OP who abstains. I hardly think he is judging her because he doesn't like to see her locked out of her face.

I suggest talking to her, as said above, when she's sober. But if she simply doesn't agree, you will just have to accept it. You can't change her.

MontgomeryClift

I agree with nitrogen. Most replies in this thread are down on the OP, whereas usually most replies in Personal Issues are more rational. I think we're seeing people defend their own binge drinking by criticizing the OP. It's easier to 'go with the flow' as you say, than to tackle the problem.

Love2love

MontgomeryClift wrote:

I agree with nitrogen. Most replies in this thread are down on the OP, whereas usually most replies in Personal Issues are more rational. I think we're seeing people defend their own binge drinking by criticizing the OP. It's easier to 'go with the flow' as you say, than to tackle the problem.

I'm not criticizing the OP or defending binge drinking but the fact is that its her decision to drink, not his. Considering that its not illegal to drink, its up to her to make a mature decision. How would he like it if she told him that she didn't like something that he did or the roles are reversed?

milod

MontgomeryClift wrote:

I agree with nitrogen. Most replies in this thread are down on the OP, whereas usually most replies in Personal Issues are more rational. I think we're seeing people defend their own binge drinking by criticizing the OP. It's easier to 'go with the flow' as you say, than to tackle the problem.

Yeah I fully agree - I think most people are afraid to admit that they cannot control the amount they drink - so to sympathise with the OP would be an admission of guilt.

The fact is that the OP has a weight of scientific and anecdotal evidence on his side. Irish people drink a lot and our dependency on pub culture for entertainment is pathetic. A stroll through the temple bar on any given night is an eye opener.

But everything's about choice these days, and everyone has the right to drink and smoke and over-eat until the health service collapses under the weight of all the self-destructive a55h0les!

OP, if you can't handle it, dump her. There's no happy ending when you tell someone a truth they don't want to hear...

Ph3n0m

hell no - as a fully paid up member of VHI - I am entitled to over-eat, over-drink, etc as much as I want to....



....except I choose not

Dragan

MontgomeryClift wrote:

I agree with nitrogen. Most replies in this thread are down on the OP, whereas usually most replies in Personal Issues are more rational. I think we're seeing people defend their own binge drinking by criticizing the OP. It's easier to 'go with the flow' as you say, than to tackle the problem.

Not really. The OP has yet to actually point out a problem. His girlfriend likes to go out and get drunk once a week or once a fortnight. He does not say she is abusive, or cannot take care of herself or chats up other men. Only that she gets drunk.

If anything the speak in his post would indicate that he has his own hang ups about drinking and may be projecting them onto his girlfriend.

Until the OP can give some kind of reason , other than "her health" as to why he does not like her drinking then that will be my stance on the subject.

LegacyUser

MontgomeryClift wrote:

I agree with nitrogen. Most replies in this thread are down on the OP, whereas usually most replies in Personal Issues are more rational. I think we're seeing people defend their own binge drinking by criticizing the OP. It's easier to 'go with the flow' as you say, than to tackle the problem.

milod wrote:

Yeah I fully agree - I think most people are afraid to admit that they cannot control the amount they drink - so to sympathise with the OP would be an admission of guilt.

The fact is that the OP has a weight of scientific and anecdotal evidence on his side. Irish people drink a lot and our dependency on pub culture for entertainment is pathetic. A stroll through the temple bar on any given night is an eye opener.

OP, if you can't handle it, dump her. There's no happy ending when you tell someone a truth they don't want to hear...

Just to throw my 2c in here. I'm in my mid-20s and don't drink so I'm not seeing myself in her behaviour and trying to justify it... But yes being honest Irish people do like a drink or few but to me this thread isn't really about drinking. The OP's girlfriend is only drinking once a week maybe once every two weeks. It's not really that much....

It's really a question of whether he has the right to try to get her to give something up that she obviously enjoys. And to that I'd have to say no... it may seem more acceptable to people because it's alcohol he wants her to cut out but to be honest, if it were me and a boyfriend asked me to give up say... chocolate bars, because he used to binge eat them, I'd have a real problem with it. And if he was saying it every time he saw me eating a chocolate bar I'd be well annoyed, to the point where I'd probably end it, imo it would be his problem not mine.

But anyway, to actually answer the OP's question... I suppose my advice is if you want to speak to her about it when she's sober and see how she takes it then great and if she takes it well even better. But don't expect her to change, you may have to just put up with this. And if you cannot live with her drinking then you should end the relationship, the sooner the better because, and I stress - if you cannot live with it, it's just gonna end in tears further down the line and you'll be wondering why you ignored the problem for so long...

Though, just one thing to clarify, I've assumed here that she's not drinking herself into stupidity when it's just the two of you out together? because if that is the case then I take it all back, if she's drinking like that and it's just the two of you then she's essentially drinking herself into stupidity on her own and that is a problem.

LegacyUser

First of all, thank you all so much for the thoughtful responses. Many of them were really helpful and gave me a good insight into this area. Since I've stopped drinking it appears that I have lost touch somewhat with the precise mentality behind drinking, so thanks for giving me a clear glimpse of the "real world" of Irish drinking as it stands.

What i'm kind of trying to say (its late and i'm blathering) is what you consider may be the result of something being wrong or damaged, she can simply see in a slightly misguided way as amazing fun.

Yes, but you seem to paint me as someone who used to drink as some direct result of feeling unhappy. That wasn't really the case... back then I thought I was ultra happy, thought I was having a great time of it. That's what drink does, it makes the mind dull and not very self-aware. Only after coming away from drink completely did I realise all the deep rooted subconscious reasons for it's use. And I see this all around me all the time, and it makes me sad... taking a stroll down temple bar on a Saturday night and seeing all the educated, beautiful, intelligent young people polluting themselves with alcohol and drugs. It's sad that people can't dream or imagine a better life for themselves beyond this.

because that's what they are YOUR issues not hers.

Absolutely. I just need to accept that just because I've moved on from the need to get polluted, not everyone else has. It's not easy, but I have to accept that someone I love very much is caught up in this way of life.

Maybe if you actually tell her that it's painful for you to watch her getting drunk, maybe she might understand?

One morning after waking up together I told her this. I wanted to be honest with her, and she was glad I was. She accepted that I felt this way, and that I'd prefer if she just got merry and then stopped drinking. But she didn't say she'd change or anything... she just acknowledges my feelings, and I was happy I had told her.

Why project YOUR issues about alcohol onto this girl.

My views on alcohol are all based on medical fact, and also mind/body/spirit facts that I have discovered myself. I don't have any "issues" with alcohol, but I just hate to see the person I love most going through a process that I see as unnatural and noxious.

Your nickname says 'not judging', but you are I'm afraid.

If I was judging her, then I'd be fighting with her and looking at her personally in a different light, or looking at her as a lesser person. But I'm not, I'm just explaining that I don't like seeing her becoming more and more intoxicated... without judging that process, I'm just looking at it and saying I'd prefer if she could have more control over it. That's all. I still love her... am I judging?

In the back of your mind you have this tangled connection between unhappiness and drinking, so when you see her drink you feel that maybe she is not happy???

Indeed, but I feel that the extent to which someone drinks shows different levels of unhappiness. If someone has a desire to get totally plastered... then I have to ask why. There is a reason, otherwise one would just go out and enjoy being with the people around you, in the place you are, with a clear and peaceful mind. If your mind is full of tensions, then naturally you will want to go running somewhere, escaping somewhere... (of course, this is all subconscious and you usually aren't aware of the process) so you have some drinks.

Alcohol is a drug. I am quite sure seeing his girlfriend drugged up to the eyeballs every weekend is not nice for the OP who abstains. I hardly think he is judging her because he doesn't like to see her locked out of her face.

Exactly. It's just not nice for me to see. I'm not trying to judge anybody, and I'm not even telling her what to do, or how to live. I might "suggest" that she go out and get merry then have a few minerals, but I won't force her to do this. It's up to her...

(We Irish) are very defensive about the idea that maybe it's not a good idea to get drunk. You can see that in this thread.

You certainly can see that. I think as a country, we are afraid of anything different to the drinking culture! Afraid of what we don't know I think... so we blindly go with the flow, without understanding how detrimental this is to us at deeper levels of our body, mentally and physically.

The fact is that the OP has a weight of scientific and anecdotal evidence on his side. Irish people drink a lot and our dependency on pub culture for entertainment is pathetic.

Yes, but I guess we'll just have to accept it mate So far, the only good cases for drinking that have come from this discussion have been:

I do it because a) I want to and b) its my choice.

If that's all there is then.... eek!

Bottom-line: I will have to just accept it and let my own feeling on this take a back seat for a while. It might very well get to the point where I'll just tell her I can go out with her on a drinking night, but that I won't watch her getting really polluted and will go home if that starts to happen. Or else, perhaps that I will do something else that night and let her go out with her own mates if she wants to get rotten. Cos it will eventually get to that point. I think that will make her understand how I feel and possibly she would prefer to have me by her side than a bottle of vodka....

... and if she does decide on the bottle of vodka over me then... could be problems!

theTinker

edit: whoops didnt see page 2...

theTinker

SoberNotJudging wrote:

Indeed, but I feel that the extent to which someone drinks shows different levels of unhappiness. If someone has a desire to get totally plastered... then I have to ask why. There is a reason, otherwise one would just go out and enjoy being with the people around you, in the place you are, with a clear and peaceful mind. If your mind is full of tensions, then naturally you will want to go running somewhere, escaping somewhere... (of course, this is all subconscious and you usually aren't aware of the process) so you have some drinks.

Im a non drinker if that makes a different. I used to think that way myself. I then realised that the other 99% of the population didnt have the problem, I did. You seem to believe that people drink because they NEED to escape from stuff. It seems more likely you that had the problem. I used to think the same way sp i can see alot of parrells in what you said. I think its much more likely that you have the control issues, health freak by admission, non drinker, thinking most others are "running somewhere", "escaping somewhere" but not you right? pish posh, and you tried to get your girlfriend to see things from your way even though nearly everyone else agrees with her mentatility. Its just an observation but I think its rooted firmly......

I could be projecting though...but keep an open mind.

abetarrush

Jus drug her

Go straight from A 2 B


seriously, TALK TO HER

Who pays for her booze????

Santa Claus

SoberNotJudging wrote:

I don't have any "issues" with alcohol, but I just hate to see the person I love most going through a process that I see as unnatural and noxious.

You say you have no issues with alcohol but you describe it as "unnatural"....I'm no psychiatrist/counsellor but that sounds like you have an issue to me.
The act of humans drinking alcohol and getting drunk goes back hundreds of years so calling it unnatural is a bit far fetched.....undesirable perhaps but not unnatural.

Unfortunately in Ireland we don't have the cafe mentality that they have on the continent where people go out of a weekend evening and share a meal, some coffees and maybe a bottle or two of wine. It may or may not make Ireland a better place if we had that lifestyle, but unfortunately we don't so that's a moot point !

Going out and getting blotto with your mates is very much par for the course in your 20's.....I suggest you learn to live with her once a week splurge (which while not ideal is probably doing her a lot less harm than if she was drinking a few glasses of wine every night of the week at home) or risk losing her because of your pious attitude to her enjoyng herself. It's something that she'll most likely tire/grow out of herself over the next few years anyway.

All in all, lighten up or risk losing her...it's her body and her choice what she does with it (there's is very little risk of her doing serious harm to herself by getting drunk once every 7/14 days provided she looks boths ways while crossing roads when drunk)!

\m/_(>_<)_\m/

SoberNotJudging wrote:

poisoning my body with alcohol.

SoberNotJudging wrote:

And I see this all around me all the time, and it makes me sad... taking a stroll down temple bar on a Saturday night and seeing all the educated, beautiful, intelligent young people polluting themselves with alcohol and drugs. It's sad that people can't dream or imagine a better life for themselves beyond this.

My views on alcohol are all based on medical fact, and also mind/body/spirit facts that I have discovered myself. I don't have any "issues" with alcohol, but I just hate to see the person I love most going through a process that I see as unnatural and noxious.

i'm afraid you do have issues with alcohol. big issues.
i think the best thing you do is break up with your gf and let her enjoy life with out you moaning to her the morning after ( probably while she still has a hangover ) and you go off and find a nice t-total-er so spent your time with.

all you talk about is your feelings... must be hard for her as well. Constantly having to watch herself around you.

galah

Spitfire666 wrote:

Funny you should add that last part, i was actualy gonna say ,when the OP said "a minimum of 8 vodkas" that that WASNT ALOT but again diff strokes for diff folkes.
also, alot of people would say that having 8 vodkas once every 2 weeks isnt exactly alot of drinking. People dont NEED drink to have fun but it DOES make a night fun at the sme time, you said it yourself that you enjoy being with drunken friends coz its fun how open and str8 talking they are.

See, if someone said they have ONE glass of vodka every night of the week, it would be a different story - but 8 in a night is an awful lot! I don't think there's anything wrong with people drinking alcohol in moderation (although moderation means different things to different people, especially in this country), but why is it that almost everyone on a night out in Ireland needs to get absolutely hammered? Nothing wrong with being a bit tipsy, even a little drunk, but here I find that most people just drink until they are totally incapacitated - and what's worse, it's totally acceptable, and you are almost an outcast if you stop drinking because you feel you had enough.

OP - if you already told her how you feel, and if she acknowledges it, but doesn't do anything about it, then you have to make up your mind about being with her long-term. Or just get used to it, and tolerate it. The problem is, if you keep nagging, she won't feel comfortable, and she'll either blame you for being a killjoy, or break up with you eventually (depending how important alcohol is in her life...)

Maybe just relax a little, and see what happens. Or, as I said, just don't go out with her on these piss-ups.

Or find yourself a foreigner and move to the continent ;-)

LegacyUser

I suppose, for my 2 Cents..

For the OP...
From my point of view, this thread is more about your control or attempted moderation of your GF's behaviour rather than being Anti anything, though the two are linked.

Your evangelical attitude is akin to ex smokers who wish nothing more than for everyone to 'see the light' and stop smoking forthwith.... (terms like "need to get polluted" etc speak volumes here !)...

If you're honest about this, you're already fighting the urge to slap a big
"No drinking" ban on her and make her into the same tox-free spirit you feel yourself to be...



The point your GF is making , subtlely,gently and with great affection is that whilst she acknowledges your point of view she is not willing to change this behaviour for you.

For me, the question you need to ask is "Do I want to be with a woman that drinks". Now, none of us are privvy to how deep or meaningful your relationship is, but reading the first post again I would ask, can you not simply go out with her together on your own and leave her to have her drinks with her mates without you ? There are ways and means to co-exist if you want....

last point..

For me at any rate, love is about accepting the whole person, flaws 'n'all and not looking to change them into the perfect form to mirror one's self... trying to change someone so they 'fit' just ain't gonna work long-term...

Ickle Magoo

Maybe you both need to compromise?

OP,

I think you are one extreme & your girlfriend wanting to go partying & get drunk is at the other end of the spectrum, so perhaps you need to discuss if you can meet somewhere in the middle?

Perhaps, as already suggested, if she wants 8 vodkas she could go out with her friends & only have sober dates with you, alternatively you could bow out of nights out where you think you are going to find yourself bordering on a lecture re the evils of poisoning your body?

Hope things work out

Slutmonkey57b

OP you are totally wasting your time here.

You have to realise that in this country, you are simply not allowed to question the status of alcohol in society. Any suggestion that people might be capable of enjoying themselves without getting pissed will be ridiculed. Any suggestion that alcohol is a drug will be outright rejected. You are the freak, the weirdo, the one with the problem. In the end, you have to decide for yourself whether or not her drinking is worth it. If you can't stand watching her get drunk, just stop going out with her while she gets drunk. Do something else on the weekends with other people instead, and let her decide whether you're worth more than a stomach full of vodka.

To the rest of the posters, if the OP's post had read "My girlfriend uses heroin and speedballs once a week", what would the response be? Universal negativity towards the girlfriend - but because she uses alcohol instead, everyone supports the girlfriend and ridicules the OP. It's her body leave her alone - as long as she's just drinking, right?

Ph3n0m

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

To the rest of the posters, if the OP's post had read "My girlfriend uses heroin and speedballs once a week", what would the response be? Universal negativity towards the girlfriend - but because she uses alcohol instead, everyone supports the girlfriend and ridicules the OP. It's her body leave her alone - as long as she's just drinking, right?

Alcohol is legal - heroin and speedballs aint

Now the negativity towards the OP, in my opinion, stems from his association of drinking alcohol to have some kind of deep rooted problem - as the OP has said he had an issue with alcohol in his youth and choose to stop.

And yes as long as she is drinking, it is her choice. We are talking about going out one night a week (I presume it is every week?) and getting merry/drunk/rotten drunk (op - which would be more consistant?) - we are not talking about a unique case where she is drinking every single day in vast quantities, or where alcohol is affecting her work-life, etc.

We are talking about how one person has a problem with alcohol - based on his past experiences and how he is projecting those same fears, etc onto his current gf - which is unfair to her.

Yes Ireland is predominantly a drinking society - but so what, there are worse things we could be doing to ourselves and each other.

OP - I think you have a choice to make and it is what I said earlier on, put up or shut up. You have already spoken to your gf about your concers (in fact I believe these are your fears). I have to say, I did agree with the ideas (including my suggestion) of going out and doing stuff together, non-drink related, or going off and doing your own thing while she is in the pub with her mates.

While I said in my previous post I do enjoy going out drinking with the odd over-indulgence, I do also enjoy plenty of other non-drink releated activities - but thats is down to choice, not because anyone asked me, or tried to make me choose between them and the bottle (which I think is a silly choice to make, unless you are a raging alco and your drinking is affecting your total lifestyle in a negative way)

OrangeOranges

or am I just being an a$$hole and should just get over myself and go with the flow?

erm!>......

I've know lots of people that dont drink.
Who probably enjoy themselves more as they get full use of their time-off.(minus recovery, hang-over time wasted!).ie they can do the whole pub, niteclub thing and still have a full day of craic and and active lifestyle the next day.

BUT
Ive never heard them preach about "poison" etc etc

It strikes me that you have a little touch of excessive compulsive as regards your attitude to drink!

Its so weird to hear somebody in their mid-twenties talk with an attitude of "my generation", "kids these days"................. You sound like an old man trapped in a young persons body.

Its seems like you put yourself through the rigour of a "Nite-out" just to convince yourself that your strong opinions are "normal" and non-interfering. When actually they are.

Your setting yourself up on a very high pedastal which is the worst quality any person can have if you ask me.

You either need to find a chick that doesnt drink or
find a chick that takes life, health, atttude to drink as seriously as you.

Only after coming away from drink completely did I realise all the deep rooted subconscious reasons for it's use. And I see this all around me all the time, and it makes me sad... taking a stroll down temple bar on a Saturday night and seeing all the educated, beautiful, intelligent young people polluting themselves with alcohol and drugs. It's sad that people can't dream or imagine a better life for themselves beyond this.

Can you even realise how demented this sentence sounds coming from a mid-twenties person.

As for not being Judgemental!! I actually think every single sentence you've mentioned is a judgement on people who drink.

ie it sounds like:

"those foolish foolish young people.........if only they could solve their inner issues.........see the light like I have..........raise themselves up by their bootstraps..............realise the poison poison poison poison.............free you mind young people from this evil thats afflicting our country............."

as opposed to: "no, I dont drink"
Reason: "just not into it, like to stay healthy"
Have an issue with other people drinkin: "no not at all, but have to admit conversation gets a little crap after 12ish!"

Slutmonkey57b

Ph3n0m wrote:

Alcohol is legal - heroin and speedballs aint

And yes as long as she is drinking, it is her choice. We are talking about going out one night a week (I presume it is every week?) and getting merry/drunk/rotten drunk (op - which would be more consistant?) - we are not talking about a unique case where she is drinking every single day in vast quantities, or where alcohol is affecting her work-life, etc.

Legality has nothing to do with my original point - an IV drug user would be able to make the exact same point about how using only at weekends doesn't affect their work or home life. The only difference is that in this society, alcohol is king, and IV drugs are seen as bad. In actual fact, both are bad, but one is socially acceptable (in this country, "mandatory" would be more accurate).

Yes Ireland is predominantly a drinking society - but so what, there are worse things we could be doing to ourselves and each other.

Take a trip to the Casualty one weekend night. You'll see exactly what it does to us and each other.

See OP? I told you you were wasting your time.

Ph3n0m

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

Legality has nothing to do with my original point - an IV drug user would be able to make the exact same point about how using only at weekends doesn't affect their work or home life. The only difference is that in this society, alcohol is king, and IV drugs are seen as bad. In actual fact, both are bad, but one is socially acceptable (in this country, "mandatory" would be more accurate).

Take a trip to the Casualty one weekend night. You'll see exactly what it does to us and each other.

See OP? I told you you were wasting your time.

I have been in casualty at the weekend - and I have to ask - what has that to do with the OP's question. You are not making the distinction between going out for a few socialable drinks and people who go out drinking and looking for a fight or people who drink themselves into oblivion (not unlike the OP used to when he was younger)

As far as we know, his gf is not a constant attendee to A & E.

As for the IV drug user, I'm not even going to retort as that has nothing to do with the original post - but one is socially acceptable and LEGAL, the other is not - so why bother making the comparisson

Slutmonkey57b

Ph3n0m wrote:

I have been in casualty at the weekend - and I have to ask - what has that to do with the OP's question. You are not making the distinction between going out for a few socialable drinks and people who go out drinking and looking for a fight or people who drink themselves into oblivion (not unlike the OP used to when he was younger)

As far as we know, his gf is not a constant attendee to A & E.

Your original comment was about what alcohol does to us as a society, not to the GF as a person. And what alcohol does to us as a society is debilitating, and frankly depressing. (or it would be if you assumed that Irish society was worth something that chronic alcohol abuse could degrade in the first place).

As for the IV drug user, I'm not even going to retort as that has nothing to do with the original post - but one is socially acceptable and LEGAL, the other is not - so why bother making the comparisson

The comparison is quite simple - to reveal Irish society's hypocritical alcohol dependence problem. I predicted that repacing the word "alcohol" with "heroin" would produce a predictably defensive, and nonsensical response, which would fail to address any of the actual differences between one drug and the other, apart from to state that one is "legal and socially acceptable", and the other is not. You have cleverly done exactly that. Clearly, the negative response the OP has gotten has nothing to do with what the GF is doing, and a lot more to do with his questioning of why people should poison themselves into paralysis with alcohol (as opposed to another drug) every weekend. As I said before, questioning of the alcoholic-dependant society is simply not tolerated in this country.

Slutmonkey57b

OrangeOranges wrote:

ie it sounds like:

"those foolish foolish young people.........if only they could solve their inner issues.........see the light like I have..........raise themselves up by their bootstraps..............realise the poison poison poison poison.............free you mind young people from this evil thats afflicting our country............."

as opposed to: "no, I dont drink"
Reason: "just not into it, like to stay healthy"
Have an issue with other people drinkin: "no not at all, but have to admit conversation gets a little crap after 12ish!"

In converse, why can't Irish people respond to
"No thanks, I don't want a drink" with something other than

"What do you mean you don't want a drink?"
"Don't be boring"
"Don't be a drag"
"Ah go on just have the one"
"You're driving? Ah sure you can just have the one glass of wine then"
"What did you come out for then?"
"Why don't you want a drink?"

Surely it should be possible to say "no thanks" without having to launch into an explaination of why, or to justify your choice?

Ph3n0m

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

snip

If you go back and re-read the OP post its not a question about society but about his gf specifically

In fact I find drunk people a lot of fun because they let go of the ego and just let themselves have more fun, and I often go niteclubbing and dancing with people who are drunk and probably on drugs. I don't need to be intoxicated to have fun, but each to their own.

Strange thing is, I regularly watch my friends getting wasted and it doesn't majorly bother me, even though I find the concept of taking alcohol horrific for my own body.

At the beginning of the relationship I knew she was like this, and because I have no problems going out with my drunk friends I thought this would not be an issue at all. Especially seeing as she only does it once a week, or once a fortnight (unlike some of my mates hehe!).

However, because we've been together over 4 months I really care for her... and it is becoming harder and harder for me to stand by and watch her drinking more and more alcohol as the night winds on. After 4 or 5 vodkas she is merry and having lots of fun. If she could leave it at that then I'd be happy, but she can't. She always has to have more and more, and if I say "You're nice and merry now, why not leave it at that and have a sprite", then she makes me feel like I'm putting a dampner on her night, so I just end up going with the flow and let her drink herself to stupidity... which is usually a minimum of 8 vodkas, and can easily go above 10 if some of her hard drinking mates are around (peer pressure and all that). This is becoming more and more painful for me to watch, cos I know how bad this is for the body and the mind, and I can't understand why someone would want to do this to themselves.

It is down to his current lifestyle and trying to get his gf to change her - apologies for getting sidetracked. This is not about him questioning Irish society's mentality towards drinking - it is aimed directly at his gf, her drinking practices and the fact that he wants to change them.

And like others, we have made countless suggestions on what he should do

Ickle Magoo

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

Surely it should be possible to say "no thanks" without having to launch into an explaination of why, or to justify your choice?

Like the gf listened to the OP's issues & said "no thanks" to changing her lifestyle?

Ph3n0m

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

In converse, why can't Irish people respond to
"No thanks, I don't want a drink" with something other than

"What do you mean you don't want a drink?"
"Don't be boring"
"Don't be a drag"
"Ah go on just have the one"
"You're driving? Ah sure you can just have the one glass of wine then"
"What did you come out for then?"
"Why don't you want a drink?"

Surely it should be possible to say "no thanks" without having to launch into an explaination of why, or to justify your choice?

Of course it is easy to do that - hell I do it every so often, and friends of mine do it, when they are driving - guess it also boils down to who you drink with

\m/_(>_<)_\m/

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

In converse, why can't Irish people respond to
"No thanks, I don't want a drink" with something other than

"What do you mean you don't want a drink?"
"Don't be boring"
"Don't be a drag"
"Ah go on just have the one"
"You're driving? Ah sure you can just have the one glass of wine then"
"What did you come out for then?"
"Why don't you want a drink?"

Surely it should be possible to say "no thanks" without having to launch into an explaination of why, or to justify your choice?

my advice is find new friends, because not everybody is like that.

Spastafarian

SoberNotJudging wrote:

Indeed, but I feel that the extent to which someone drinks shows different levels of unhappiness. If someone has a desire to get totally plastered... then I have to ask why. There is a reason, otherwise one would just go out and enjoy being with the people around you, in the place you are, with a clear and peaceful mind. If your mind is full of tensions, then naturally you will want to go running somewhere, escaping somewhere... (of course, this is all subconscious and you usually aren't aware of the process) so you have some drinks.

This is crap. So what you're saying is that everyone who goes out and get drunk every one or two weeks is doing it because they have deep-seeded emotional issues?
Not because it makes you feel good? More talkative? Let loose after the weekend? Generally have more fun (no matter how clear and pure your mind is)?
You're just gonna have to accept that your girlfriend is a normal member of irish society, she'll probably drink less and less gradually as she gets older - but she's certainly not going to stop because you want her to.
If you can't stand to see her drunk, just don't go to the pub with her. It is only a night every one or two weeks after all.

Slutmonkey57b

Ph3n0m wrote:

If you go back and re-read the OP post its not a question about society but about his gf specifically

I didn't say his point, I said your point.

It is down to his current lifestyle and trying to get his gf to change her - apologies for getting sidetracked. This is not about him questioning Irish society's mentality towards drinking - it is aimed directly at his gf, her drinking practices and the fact that he wants to change them.

And like others, we have made countless suggestions on what he should do

And my point is that if he was describing a different drug in the equation, which was having the same net result on his girlfriend's life, he would get a totally different reaction.

Dragan

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

Take a trip to the Casualty one weekend night. You'll see exactly what it does to us and each other.

See OP? I told you you were wasting your time.

Don't get me wrong, I will happily agree with you that on a Friday and Saturday night casuality is full of people who are there, from one connection or another, due to alchohol but, and I know this is crazy, would you believe that the number of people who end up in casuality and lock up down the cop shop over the course of a week is far, far less than the total number of people who go out drinking?

In the same way that you do not like being judged as boring because you do not drink ( and once again I will agree with you, it happens all the time to me when I am going through a non drinking stage ) you are simply sitting there judging people who do drink, or at least that is the impression you are giving off.

Now then, as stated, the OP's girlfriend is not ending up in jail or the ER, or smacking him in the teeth with her shoe. This was not an issue to him when he started seeing her first and was not as emotionally connected.

I don't think it takes a psychologist to figure out what the issue might just be, whether the OP see's it or not???

I also don't see the need for ANYONE to turn the thread into another "oh the woe's of alchohol/whats wrong with alchohol thread". But that’s just me.

MontgomeryClift

It's pretty clear from the responses to this thread that the alcohol problem in Ireland is very deeply rooted. Irish people in general have been profoundly brainwashed into an automatic defence of this drug.

The OP unfortunately has broken free from this denial of cause and effect, and thinks he must be the madman for being different. I'd suspect he might be starting to 'nag' his girlfriend, but it's binge drinking only we're talking about, and not paring her nails in bed, or leaving dirty dishes in the sink, right?

fatboypee

MontgomeryClift wrote:

It's pretty clear from the responses to this thread that the alcohol problem in Ireland is very deeply rooted. Irish people in general have been profoundly brainwashed into an automatic defence of this drug....

Do you really think so ???? :rolleyes: :rolleyes: