Pre-marriage course

blackpea

Hi I am living with my partner for seven years and its annoying me that I will have to waste a full Saturday on something I don’t think will benefit us seeing as we are living with each other for so long, so does anybody know if there is any way around the pre-marriage course? Or can we just pay for the certificate

iguana

You could have a civil ceremony.

Figment

If you want to marry in a church you have to do it.
It can bring up one or two talking points between you. It did for me anyway.

Its not so bad. Don't take it too seriously. View it as a day out and a chance to meet new people.

Youngza

I was told that it would be a worthwhile day, good talking points, new people etc. - bllcks.
My advice is to go in and sign up, sit down, say a few hellos, get up and go and come back around 4.45 to collect your certificate.
We unfortunately stayed till the first break (when there was no need), only to be told how to put a condom on correctly (I sht you not!) and sit through communication skills 101 that we have all done a million times.
There was 50+ couples, so no-one will even notice whether you are there or not.
My tuppence!

Cionn

I got married 3 weeks ago and it wasn't an issue. I wasn't going to do one no matter what. Apparently if you are getting married in Dublin it is not required but if you get married outside Dublin you have to do it. It all depends on the priest. But I have been told this by two other couples who have got married in the last few months.

SingingCherry

Cionn wrote:

Apparently if you are getting married in Dublin it is not required but if you get married outside Dublin you have to do it.

I don't know where you heard this but our priest IN DUBLIN required it. I was dreading it right up until the morning I had to go and the whole way there. I got there and bit by bit my aprehension about it went away and it ended up being really beneficial. Some of it was long and drawn out but it had to discussing things we never had thought about. I really enjoyed the whole thing and would recommend it.

But if it's really not your thing and you don't want to do it but still want to get married in a church (and I'm assuming your objection to the course isn't the fact that it is run by the church because you are willing to get married in one, you should probably support the faith that you are trusting to do such an important ceremony) then just ask your priest what the deal is. He might think it's unnecessary for you, especially if he has known you and your fiance.

LegacyUser

If you can't spare the Saturday .. then split it between 2 nights. Try All Hallows College.. they do an evening course -2 nights - 3 hours each.

If you want to get married in a church then you have to respect their custom.

Cionn

bubby wrote:

If you want to get married in a church then you have to respect their custom.

No offence I have a healthy respect for the church but that doesn't mean that I have to aggree with everything. It wasn't a problem with our priest not completing the course, and we only met him the once before the wedding. As far as I am aware there is an acute shortage of courses in the Dublin area which has contributed to the church's lieniency on this point.

Personally I think it should be up to the priest to decide if you need to do one or not. I think there possibly should be some age restriction i.e. under 25's getting married should do it, 25 - 30 may have to do it and over 30's leave them to their own devices all the above with the agreement of the priest that is.

LegacyUser

Who said you had to agree with everything? Accute shortages? Rubbish!! We had a choice of several venues!

If you want to get married in a church, then chances are you will have to do a pre-marriage course. Thats it!!

If you don't want to do a pre-marriage course - then off to the registry office. No point in faffing around on ages, I've met plenty of people in their early 20's that are far more mature than others in their 30's.

It is 8 hours out of a lifetime - and with organisation, there is no shortage. Book it in advance, get organised, and like I said, if your priest requires you do it - then so be it .... if you want that priest.

Fed up with listening to people giving out about it - get over it!

Cionn

bubby wrote:

Who said you had to agree with everything? Accute shortages? Rubbish!! We had a choice of several venues!

I got married a few weeks ago we only decided just ove the three months before thewedding to do the deed and looking around there was definately a shortage of courses not rubbish - fact.

bubby wrote:

If you want to get married in a church, then chances are you will have to do a pre-marriage course. Thats it!!

Well no thats not it like I said there are different situations for different people and different priests. We didn't do one and I know other people that didn't do one.

bubby wrote:

If you don't want to do a pre-marriage course - then off to the registry office.

It would appear from my expieriance that myself and the church dis agrees with you on that one.

bubby wrote:

No point in faffing around on ages, I've met plenty of people in their early 20's that are far more mature than others in their 30's.

agreed but use the percentages and see how it falls out it was more an observation on how marriages that I know seem to be working out.

bubby wrote:

It is 8 hours out of a lifetime - and with organisation, there is no shortage. Book it in advance, get organised, and like I said, if your priest requires you do it - then so be it .... if you want that priest.

Absolutely if you want that priest and he insists that you do it then you have no choice. however if you are not fussed about the priest and don't want to do it then you have the right to change priests.

bubby wrote:

Fed up with listening to people giving out about it - get over it!

If people think it is a waste of time then they will give out about it others will get something out of it, if they do get something out of it then great time well spent.


I have been on one pre marriage course. My sister was getting married about 10 years ago, the priest was a friend of theirs and he came around I was there I think it was after the 4th bottle of wine that he brought up the pre marriage course, by the time that bottle was done he said the course was finished. The one thing can remember vividly was his insistence that the red wine was at the correct temperature when being drunk. So you could say that I got something out if it too. He was a great guy pity more of them are not the same although they do appear to be getting nicer and more approachable in my opinion.

LegacyUser

Cionn wrote:

Absolutely if you want that priest and he insists that you do it then you have no choice. however if you are not fussed about the priest and don't want to do it then you have the right to change priests.

Exactly my point ..
The other point I am making is, stop complaining if the priest makes the requirement .. just do it, its only 8 hours of time.

In relation to their being a shortage of courses .. I don't want to cause any offence by saying this (none whatsoever..), but 3 months for an engagement is pretty short .. I think it is common knowledge that you should book the course well in advance. There are just to many people getting married .. ;-)
Obviously for those with short engagements that is not going to work.
In that case, I would go to the priest and explain ... ask him if it is still a requirement, and if so, ask for his help to find a course!
Bring a couple of bottles of wine to that too .. could help!!

Shabadu

blackpea wrote:

Hi I am living with my partner for seven years and its annoying me that I will have to waste a full Saturday on something I don’t think will benefit us seeing as we are living with each other for so long, so does anybody know if there is any way around the pre-marriage course? Or can we just pay for the certificate

Try considering it as a day for you and your partner to get away from the stress and routine of domestic life and focus on your relationship for a few hours. We have a kid and have been living together for donkey's, but it still was a useful and nice way for us to spend some time together.

Cionn- try dropping the attitude. Your priest was definitely an exception, not the rule. My future MIL does the accord courses & the Church have been getting stricter and stricter about documentation every year.

speck

I got married 3 years ago we had been together 7 years, living together for 3. Our priest was really cool when we said we really didn't see the point in doing a pre marrage course, told us after that long there shouldn't be any surprises. But some of them can insist. I'd say have a chat with you priest and see if he's willing to over look it

skye

Hi blackpea - I was in the same boat as you regarding doing a pre-marriage course - been with my fella almost 8 years and thought it was a waste of our time. We went to MRCS in Monkstown to do the course. They send you out 2 questionnaires prior to your appointment which you fill in seperately. This covers everything from your view of marriage to finances, in-laws, sex etc... Upon completion these are returned and then you go through them on the day. It's done in a very relaxed way with just us and a counseller who I must say was so nice - we both felt totally at ease with her and talked freely about things.

We both took loads away with us from this. It was nice to just step back from all the wedding who-haa and to remember why we wanted to do this.

It is expensive @ 220 euro per couple but well worth it in my opinion. It was done and dusted in 2 hours on a Saturday morning - no religious babble etc...Just realistic talking which has helped us both and will continue to do so.
Check it out for yourself: http://www.mrcs.ie/MarriagePreparation.html

Good luck with whatever you decide!!!

scargill

did it recently and it was complete and utter rubbish. waste of a friday evening and a whole saturday (same day as the Heineken cup final.)

Fair to say that we got ZERO out of it.

One of the tasks was that each couple had to hold one pen between the two of them and draw their ideal house on a blank piece of paper..........I sh1t u not. I recall some bullsh1t about it being about compromise or some such sh1te. childish stuff - was like some sort of religious class for children.

some couples seemed to be into it - not the full shilling if you ask me.

scargill

meant to mention it was run by accord.

They like thermometer slugs by the way

http://www.fertilityuk.org/nfps404.html#thermometerslug

Shabadu

scargill wrote:

did it recently and it was complete and utter rubbish. waste of a friday evening and a whole saturday (same day as the Heineken cup final.)

Fair to say that we got ZERO out of it.

One of the tasks was that each couple had to hold one pen between the two of them and draw their ideal house on a blank piece of paper..........I sh1t u not. I recall some bullsh1t about it being about compromise or some such sh1te. childish stuff - was like some sort of religious class for children.

some couples seemed to be into it - not the full shilling if you ask me.

Kindly refrain from backhandedly referring to people who may get something out of it as 'not the full shilling'.

llester

I felt exactly the same as you about the pre-marriage course. My fiance and I are together for eleven years and the only reason I did it was so I could produce the Certificate to our priest. I thought I knew all I needed to know about my fiance. To an extent I was right, it was a bit patronising at some points, but there were a few eye openers and it makes you stop and think about it all. It's only a day and it's a bit of a laugh, you never know what you'll find out. If you're really against it you can talk to your officiating priest, or the priest you're completing the pre nuptial enquiry form with and see if they insist on it.

moby2101

My Fiance and I are getting married in 4 weeks, we did about 60 mins of the course and left.
Complete waste of time and money.

IT IS NOT COMPULSORY.

I rang our prist the following morning, told him we left the course that evening and that we would not be wasting a Saturday on the course.
he was pleased that we had attended and decided it wasnt for us.

Jip

moby2101 wrote:

we did about 60 mins of the course and left.
Complete waste of time and money.

How do you know it was a waste of time after only 60 minutes ?
If you go in with the attitude, that many people seem to have here, that you're going to get nothing out of it then you won't.

sofireland

As the old saying goes, you get out what you put in

moby2101

Jip wrote:

How do you know it was a waste of time after only 60 minutes ?
If you go in with the attitude, that many people seem to have here, that you're going to get nothing out of it then you won't.

Personally I think if after 1 HOUR you cant make your mind up about someone, a presentation, a business proposal, a marriage course ...whatever it is ..... U should seriously re-think how you evaluate situations in your life.
We attended the course knowing it wasnt compulsory, our priest told us at the outset that we didnt have to do it, we considered not doing it and decided we'd give it a go, despite all the negative stories we'd heard from friends who attended other courses

The course we attended was run by one of the larger catholic agencies and was appalingly badly run, I discovered afterwards that of the 25 couples who attended on the Thursday evening session, only 11 attended on the Saturday...what does that tell you??

LegacyUser

moby2101 wrote:

The course we attended was run by one of the larger catholic agencies and was appalingly badly run, I discovered afterwards that of the 25 couples who attended on the Thursday evening session, only 11 attended on the Saturday...what does that tell you??

Stinks of not doing your research on the course you chose. You just paid the money and expected it to be exactly what you wanted. Bad luck, the lack of research didn't pay off.

In our case everyone left our course happy.

egan007

blackpea wrote:

Hi I am living with my partner for seven years and its annoying me that I will have to waste a full Saturday on something I don’t think will benefit us seeing as we are living with each other for so long, so does anybody know if there is any way around the pre-marriage course? Or can we just pay for the certificate

I was exctly the same!

I took it a few weeks ago- raging that i had to go

took it in All Hallows College - 2 evenings after work 100Euro

I have to say it was very well run and the information was relevant and modern.
They discussed techniques for resolving arguements and money matters etc....

It was run by a couple who were not a nun and priest. they are husband and wife.

Recommend going to this one....
I actually enjoyed it in the end....it's nice to hear someone taking sence!

LegacyUser

Thats the one we did - Jed and Pam. Brilliant course. The priest was also very humourous - and there was no Holy Joeism on the course.

moby2101

bubby wrote:

Stinks of not doing your research on the course you chose. You just paid the money and expected it to be exactly what you wanted. Bad luck, the lack of research didn't pay off.

In our case everyone left our course happy.

Glad you enjoyed your course.
We spoke to at least 5/6 couples we knew who had attended Various courses in Munster and Connaught, I'd say we did our research allright.
whatever floats your boat.

Not for everyone I guess!!

Snowbie

Ok here is a good one for you all,with my fiance 11 years,lived in 3 houses together and have currently have 3 children with No.4 on the way.Does this course become irrelevant to us.

For instance if we were told how to put a condom on properly etc etc well we would find it amuzing relateing to us.We have had our children of our own choice and never found the time to tie the knot untill maybe early 2008.

Now my point being,whats the use of this course to us? Would we take up space for a younger couple who has to attend if we where to go or is it cumpulsory.
We are in our 30s and find it irrelevant to attend this course reading over this thread wheather it be fun attending as i do have important family issues on my plate.

Confused about this,any thoughts/suggestions.As this course would be a waste of time and money for us but not for a younger couple.Enlighten me.
Thanks.

Jip

The course has very little to do with family planning and sticking on rubber johnies and the likes ! In fact family planning was only mentioned once and the priest in attendance mentioned it briefly.

I'm in a similar situation and age to youself, but without the kids, and found the course with Accord better than I had expected. It's more to do with conflict resolution and that sort of stuff, nothing to do with how to setup joint bank accounts etc.
But then again it could all come down to the people giving the course, for the most part the priest sat in the background while 2 people trained by Accord proceeded with the course.

Snowbie

On this thread it seems not one course is similar to the next.I have heard from a mate of mine who got married recently is that they do talk a lot about family planning and the likes,and he has one child himself.

My question is,is it compulsory regardless of the situation your in as per what i mentioned above.?

dubgirl

I think its compulsory everywhere except Dublin as Accord don't have the manpower to get through all the courses that are required in Dublin.

Kebab

I agree with Egon and Bubby - myself and my husband did the All Hallows course over a couple of Thursday evenings back in May. At the time it was run by two women (one of which I think was Pam) and we found it interesting enough.

Not that we looked forward to it, but it did no harm, brought up a couple of issues we didn't know existed, and we needed the cert as we were getting married in Italy and they are sticklers for having completed the course and having the cert.

K

ps: having said that, if we hadn't had to do it, we wouldn't have chosen to!

My mam Carol work's for Accord doing these course's she has been doing a lot of them in the Dublin region over the last year!

I do agree with them after helping her go through all her notes etc on PowerPoint and she spend's time going through each and every feedback sheet given on the courses as it help's her make the course for everyone

The organisation know couple's live together for year's and know some are still new to one another but

I think it says a lot for a couple if they can't be bothered at all to do it and even try to learn something else they can bring to their marriage

No one has the perfect relationship!

Also like to say that while I was raised catholic I’m not religious and my mam goes to church once a week

The course isn't particularly religious at all it's more of a guidance given towards couple also a fallback for the church that if a couple ever get's divorced after doing the prep course and receiving counselling that they know they did their best

My mam and dad are still madly in love they cook for one another, go on day trips and do all the soppy thing's that couple's do
They have been married for 20 year's and my mam is 46 and my dad is 48 and even (and much to my utter distain and disgust) they still go on dirty weekend's

My mam said to me that the course material benefited her and my dad and this was after all that time and after 3 kids
she said to me that in the time she was married her and my dad have changed so much that they have went through about 4 different marriage’s as a result of them both changing as they grew up and different event's that went on and they have been through the mill together

newwifey

Hi
I got married in June. Having been with partner for 10 years and had two kids together the priest asked us to consider doing the course.
We asked around, and unfortunately got very poor feed back from anyone who had attended the Accord course (which is the only one available when you live in the sticks!)
One couple siad the course giver, a lady, went red when she had to mention sex and couldn't say p-p-p-penis without stuttering.

We decided against it, and couldn't have been bothered organising babysitters for a whole day and evening along with paying the course fee.

I personally feel it is a money making racket for the Catholic church.
Really has anyone ever left the course and decided 'lets not get married after all'

Anyone who has lived with someone and shared the parenting skills and mortgage repayments has very little to learn from a 'pre marriage course'
Just my 2cents worth

Jip

The Church doesn't get the money, it's whoever organises the course, be it Accord or some other crowd.

CathyMoran

We ended up just going to it and getting it done. Was not that bad an experience, is part of getting married in a church so there is no harm in it. In the end we went to two. We were supposed to get married a few years ago and went then to an Accord course in Harcourt Street - was a nice course, bit of a laugh and was well run. I then discovered that the Jesuits run one and wanted to do that as I respect them a lot, actually found that course useless, it actually led to us calling off our wedding.

When we had problems earlier in the year Accord were the guys who helped us with our problems - we are getting married at the end of the year so result. It is only when you go through problems that you realise the value of these places.

CSG - fair play to your mum, my experience with Accord was positive, they helped save my to be marriage, now I can not wait to be a wife.

Aquitaine

Has anyone done the course through Terenure college (together.ie) ?