Funny/cringing/memorable funeral moments

frobisher

I posted this in the funny wedding stories thread and someone else then posted another funeral story so I thought we'd give it a thread of its own.

It was at the funeral of a friend who killed himself last year. The coffin had just been put in the hearse and everyone was starting to walk behind the car for the 400 yards to the church yard. It was in a small village in the middle of a weekday, the whole place went quiet and stood still in respect. All of a sudden a phone rang out very, very loud. Everyone looked around absolutley disgusted but we couldn't see who it was. People tried their best to ignore it but it just seemed to get louder and louder with every ring. After much scuffling between tears all eyes rested on where the sound was coming from. Suddenly I felt like I was falling down a black hole. The sound was coming from me and I was right behind the parents. The single most cringe worthy moment of my entire existence. I was 100% sure I had turned it off but there it was ringing a dance ring tone at full volume. Absolute f*^king nightmare!

Thankfully I know the family very well and later on in the pub everybody just laughed at it so much it was unbeleivable. Had my friend been there he'd have loved it too!

Ruu_Old

I was at a funeral and there was this nice chap singing a song for a relative of mine and his wasn't the best of singers, lets put it that way. I couldn't help but snigger a bit but no one spotted me. I felt so ashamed of it though and kept thinking "oh when is he going to shut up!":o

LadyJ

Was at the funeral of a friend's brother who had killed himself and before mass started there was some holy tape playing in the church.

No one ever believes this but it happened. The holy music on the tape then cut and "celebrate good times" started playing.

It was hilarious but really terrible for the family.

frobisher

LadyJ wrote:

The holy music on the tape then cut and "celebrate good times" started playing.

OMG! I may go to hell for this but LMAO!

LadyJ

frobisher wrote:

OMG! I may go to hell for this but LMAO!

You have it easy.

I had to sit through an entire funeral after that.

I nearly wet myself!

Kolodny

No one's going to believe this one but I swear it's true. A friend of mine forgot to turn her phone off at her aunt's funeral, naturally it rang in the middle of the mass and her ringtone at the time was 'Stairway to Heaven'.

Honestly (members of her family have since backed it up and she got into a lot of trouble).

Beetlebum

Not to get into too much detail, but when my mam died her face was bruised quite badly. In the funeral home the woman explained to me and my sister that it would have to be a closed coffin as no amount of make-up could cover it up. My sister then says 'What about white make-up, I have some make-up I used to wear as a goth'......I looked at her in disbelief and said
'You mean clown make-up?!' Suddenly the two of us burst into uncontrollable laughter. I think it was just our minds way of dealing with such a sad situation. The woman in the funeral parlour didn't know where to look, she said..'uh, I'll just give you a minute...' and she left the room.

Dyr

As a teenager, At a funeral of this cream cracker we all knew, and ould lad called Mickey, died in a car crash, left a wife and a small army of kids left behind, general tragedy.

Anyway, we're in the church and his brother takes a fit crying and roaring out "dont leave me" etc so he has to be carried outside ..my cousin turns to me and whispers "mickey musta owed him a fiver"

I had to leave the chruch in a hurry trying to hide the laughter...

LadyJ

Friend of mine told me she was at a funeral a few years back and someone let an incredibly loud fart just before the "peace be with you" bit.

The guy in front of her turned to shake her hand and whispered "It wasn't me."

Dave!

rofl, keep them comin

Splinter

LadyJ wrote:

Friend of mine told me she was at a funeral a few years back and someone let an incredibly loud fart just before the "peace be with you" bit.

The guy in front of her turned to shake her hand and whispered "It wasn't me."

thats bloody brilliant....

The Sweeper

First time my other half met my parents was at my uncle's funeral. My uncle passed away aged 78 or so, and funerals of the very elderly don't have the same sharp edges of sorrow as funerals for the young.

Myself and himself in the back row of the church, over from England from the funeral. So the coffin's being wheeled down the aisle on a trolley at the end of the service, and I go to point my parents, following the coffin, out to my other half.

At this point my father spots me. Now he hasn't seen me in about four months and he's never been good at funerals. He completely forgets where he is, and my other half's first experience of my parents are the man sticking his tongue out and crossing his eyes while following a coffin, alongside the woman tugging his elbow and trying not to laugh herself...

Ruu_Old

I think its safe to say we are all going to hell.

Ph3n0m

Hell? Thats too good of a place for us

Mr Magnolia

At the wife's Granda's funeral -

The priest was fairly young, the mass was nearing the end. Priest was giving the final blessing "Lord, wecome Paddy into heaven, may he rest in peace and may perpetual sh!te shine upon him" He should of course said 'may perpetual light shine upon him'. A good few people lol.

steviem

A friend of mine was at a funeral in Scotland, the body was taken to the crematorium for the funeral and after the service when they were leaving, two women in front of him proclaimed that the stairs were too narrow and dangerous. One turner to the other and sad " i mean, could you imagine if there was a fire in here". He just lost it there and then.

Belle_Morte

I'll never forget my Grandad's funeral;after his cremation the whole extended family went back to the home he had shared with my step-gran for the funeral tea, and who should turn up but my Grandad's GP. Yes, his doctor walked into a room full of black-clad mourners and announced in a loud voice that he was there to see my Grandad. You should have seen the look on the doctor's face when we told him we'd just come back from cremating him. Priceless. :rolleyes:

pvt. joker

in 6th grade i was an altar boy at a funeral. me and my best friend were doing it. when the priest sprayed the body with holy water my friend started to laugh for some reason. When i saw him laughing i started to lose it. I pretended to have a coughing fit and ran out of the church before the family killed me.

Scraggs

I was telling my mother about this thread and she was saying at a funeral one wet day one man in the congregation got to the graveside before the majority of the crowd and coffin... Anyway he peered into the dugout grave for whatever reasons ..but managed to slip in!! Meanwhile the coffin procession [or whatever you call it] was comin up towards the graveside and yer man was there scrambling to get out with the aid of a few other people. He got out in time ... I'd say he was mortified:o

frobisher

I am absolutely cracking up at some of these stories. Classic!:D

hairyfairy00

I was at my grandmothers funeral, we just got to the graveyard and we were all gathered around the grave, everyone had their heads bowed and were all very silent. Just then my cousin who was about 4-5 years at the time said very loudly " Daddy i need to do a wee-wee, can i do it in that big hole in the ground" Everyone including the priest were in fits of laughter, we always bring that story up to embarrass him at family get togethers.

dbnavan

Well it was my grandfather month's mind(close enough to a funeral) and I have a cousin who used to be let away with alot, anyway the rest of my cousins and uncles always got pi££ed off by him, anyway he is sitting in the seat infront of my dad and he start messing and pushing his sister around my Dad, reached out grabbed him and pulled him into the seat, and said something like "move again and your dead"

Anyway his dad is a mouse and just looked at my da all scared like anyway my cousins and I had to sit trough the mass trying not to piss ourselves laughing, not sure if its all as funny when you read about it, and dont know the people envolved but its still laughed about between my cousins and I.

FranknFurter

This was one of my favourite comedy moments of my life so far.......

About 11 years ago, at a funeral of an extremely OTT camp gay friend,.....

ok, this guy was rather a good looking bloke and was always getting hit on in clubs etc by women, eventually got so tired of it, he turned to some woman one night and yelled "I HATE PU$$Y!!" the entire pub turned an looked... anyways he was known for that for years after, (you had to be there), he even had a bumper sticker saying that same thing......

Anyways, at his funeral in the UK, bout 20 of us are standing by the grave as his coffin is being lowered in, and I swear to godess, out of nowhere this maniacal cat comes flying at top speed from a nearby hedge towards us, and lands, in the hole right on top of the coffin!
Unbelievable silence for about 20 seconds then every single one of us errupted in laughter, even his father!.... best funeral ever

b

Mr.Nice Guy

I saw this happen on Monday.

I was at the funeral of my Great-Uncle in St Nicholas' Church and after the service, when everyone waits outside, this old lady came up to my mother and told her she had been a friend of my uncle. She then enquired about my uncle's brother Dessie but my mother had to explain to her that my uncle didn't have a brother called Dessie. She then asked a few more questions that didn't make sense.

My uncle happens to have the same name as a well known Irish entertainer and one of my aunts mentioned this leading to the old lady asking, "Is this not him?"

Cue much laugher from all of us. Turns out the guy she thought was dead is actually still alive. "I was wondering why I didn't recognise anybody" she said.

The poor woman had sat through the entire mass and had come all the way from Donnybrook. She was so embarrassed but she seemed like a nice lady and she lightened up the day a little bit so her presence was welcome in the end.

Dyr

After the Ma's funeral the oul lad ordered me to find the altar girl and give her a couple of quid, so i went after her and caught up with her just beside the priests house i say "here hang on a minute" so she turns around then i realise i've nothing but 50s in me pocket..im standing there rummaging tru the suit for anything other than a 50 while trying to make some attempt at conversation and this kid is looking at me wondering what the *** im up to. Furthermore people in the priest's house are looking out wondering what the *** im doing. Now its hard to be in this situation and not look like a potential kiddie fiddler so i gave the kid a 50 in the end. the priest asked me afterwards at the graveyard if i knew how much id given her lol

shnaek

Sparks400 wrote:

The priest was fairly young, the mass was nearing the end. Priest was giving the final blessing "Lord, wecome Paddy into heaven, may he rest in peace and may perpetual sh!te shine upon him"

Hillarious! Perpetual sh!te no less. Lasting for eternity.

Beetlebum

Bambi wrote:

After the Ma's funeral the oul lad ordered me to find the altar girl and give her a couple of quid, so i went after her and caught up with her just beside the priests house i say "here hang on a minute" so she turns around then i realise i've nothing but 50s in me pocket..im standing there rummaging tru the suit for anything other than a 50 while trying to make some attempt at conversation and this kid is looking at me wondering what the *** im up to. Furthermore people in the priest's house are looking out wondering what the *** im doing. Now its hard to be in this situation and not look like a potential kiddie fiddler so i gave the kid a 50 in the end. the priest asked me afterwards at the graveyard if i knew how much id given her lol

Brilliant!!

GAAman

At my uncles funeral in the church there was a girl (maybe 18-20) singing and tbh she had a lovely peaceful voice...........right up until we were bringing the coffin outta the church and she starts singin "my hero" and when i say singin i meant she was goin at it hammer and nail was like somethin outta the x factor. i had to bite on my lip real hard to stop from bustin my ass laughin!

angeldelight

At my Granny's funeral at the end of May, we were walking behind the coffin to the graveyard when my little cousin who's seven and lives in London pipes up in this complete cockney accent "are they going to take Granny out of the coffin when we get there", went from crying my eyes out to almost wetting myself laughing, will never forget that!

PeadarofAodh

Was at the burial of a family friend in England at a very quiet and secluded graveyard outside London with only a few of the closer mourners present. I remember the undertakers looking very swish and dandy in their black trench-coats and black gloves, then came the lowering of the coffin...Half way down, they suddenly start huffing and puffing and the coffin begins teetering. Then suddenly one of the undertakers falls flat on his arse with his legs hanging over grave, he refuses any sort of help and keeps lowering the coffin trying to look as composed as he could given the circumstances.

Proffesional I suppose, but still very very funny. Thankfully I was standing at the back of the gathering

Lone Wolf

At my granny's funeral a coupla years ago my little brother was doing alter boy and while we were at the grave side my brother who had been holding one of the candles managed to set his vestments on fire, the was panic for a few seconds and then laughter.

LadyJ

Lone Wolf wrote:

At my granny's funeral a coupla years ago my little brother was doing alter boy and while we were at the grave side my brother who had been holding one of the candles managed to set his vestments on fire, the was panic for a few seconds and then laughter.

I used to be an alter server and that kinda thing used to happen a lot.

It's a dangerous business.

NewFrockTuesday

When my Grandad died we had his body residing in his bedroom until it was moved to the church. Im fro the West and it was still normal to have a wake in the house.
So hes in the coffin by the open window and the cat jumps in the window and into the coffin. We shooed her out and shut her in the kitchen but with all the coming and going she got out again and made her way to Grandad and sat on his chest. We put her out again but this kept happenning all day.
later that night I woke up after having nodded off in the room and looked in at grandad and there was the cat - fast asleep curled up in the coffin. So I just left her there until morning. She was a great source of entertainment to him before he died and so it was only fitting that she amuse him after.

boneless

I was at a military funeral once, full honours and gun-carraige affair. At the point in the graveside ceremony when the three volleys are fired over the coffin a bloke whispered quite loudly: "Fire into the bloody coffin to make sure the ould c**t is really dead!!!"

The firing party nearly lost it trying not to laugh...

mikedragon32

I thought this was quite funny...

http://www.ireland.com/newspaper/ireland/2006/0707/52273321HM5HEARSE.html

It's the story of the hearse and cortege that was speeding!

jobonar

i was at my great aunts funeral about 2 years ago.... in the church the alter is quite a bit away from the back wall(about 30 feet ish). half way through the mass this woman walks in behind the preist(obviously a helper or something) and starts to open the tabernackal(sp?) to take out the communion and stuff. this is when my 1 sister turns to my other sister and says"should we tell the priest he's being robbed"!! they crack up laughing so obviously i do too! they are nearly on the ground laughing and i'm trying not to laugh, they get away with it and i get a bollocking!

the best though was at my uncle funeral. the priest had started off the mass welcoming everyone dessie's funeral but after that he kepy saying my dad's name instead of dessie's... i was biting my lip trying not to laugh and from the back of the church everytime he said my dad's name by mistake the giggles and laughs got louder and louder... after the mass everyone came up to my dad and shook his hand saying "Sorry to hear ya died!" SO funny!! the preist was sooooo embarassed afterwards!

Lone Wolf

LadyJ wrote:

I used to be an alter server and that kinda thing used to happen a lot.

It's a dangerous business.

Same here but as we frequently slag my brother I never managed to set myself on fire, that said i did smack the priest in the shin once with the incense burner almost caused him to topple :eek:

Mushy

These stories above are hilarious.

My one isnt great in comparison, but it was hilarious if you were there. I was at my Grans funeral about two months back. This was the day of the removal. Typical big country gathering and everything. FAmily from all over there, incl. Australia, so the drink is flowing. This was odd itself as my Gran would never tolerate anyone drinking in front of her.Lots and lots of rosarys had bein said and people were sick of them at this stage. But after the removal, all the family were left, the younger kids gone off to bed, the rest of us all sittin round, a lot of drink gone down us and we try to get a sing-song going. But my uncle, who was volunteered to sing, wouldnt do it(thankfully, we might say). So it came around to "What would Nana want to be sung?" I coulddnt help in replying "Another rosary" within seconds. Everyone erupted into laughter and it was priceless, but ya do feel guilty all the same.

Also, the night before that, my aunt had just gotten in from Australia, 24 hour flight, jet-lagged and she started drinkin immediately. Later in the night, she stands up, stumbles...straight into the coffin. Arent we lucky we decided to put it up against the wall earlier?

mysterious

Well this wasn't at the funeral, but it was shortly before it. if you know what I mean... Back at the house where all the relatives were(NOT ALL THANKFULLY)at My Grandaunts place. my aunt and uncle, brought thier kid(well behaved except for the four old young one) I just arrived to the house getting off the bus, and devastated to hear the news, when I was told, next i could here in the backround was let say "mary" is my grandaunt.....

Mary is dead, mary is dead, mary is dead mammy mary's dead? why is she dead?, everyone trying to keep a straight face and try nor to burst..... Including the mother, she could'nt hold it as the child now got a reaction from everyone so she just kept upbeat and not much seriousness and walk to around to anyone "mary is dead" mary is dead, there was a few smrifs and giggles, but It couldn't be anymore obvious The mother had to take her outside in the end... it was pricless... I think a few people had to remove themselves:D

Manic Moran

I've been to over 500 funerals at this point, and not one of them was for anyone I knew.

Anyone that ever served honourably in the US military is entitled to have a representative team of the military at their funeral. As a result, I've seen all manner of ceremonies around California, which is a rather diverse area: From Shinto to Biker Gang. This experience has allowed me to forumlate one or two rules for my own funeral. The important one is as follows:

Nobody at my funeral shall be authorised to speak for more than three minutes. The sole exception to this shall be the priest. He gets five. God, but I've been to some long-winded services.

Some memorable events:

A headstone for a chap in the far NorthEast of California was a parking meter. It had 'Time Expired' in the window.

Did one at a Gospel church. You know, kindof like in the Blues Brothers. Lots of singing, clapping, people randomly shouting 'Amen!' It was actually a very uplifting/enjoyable way of worshipping God*, though a problem was caused by the fact that the deceased was a preacher, so seven other preachers all had to speak and officiate, so it took a while. Anyway, time comes for us, so we march up. I about-face, and address the gathering.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am Lieutenant Moran (Amen!!). Military honours will consist of the playing of 'Taps' (Hallelujah! (Cue waving of fans)) and the folding and presentation of the flag. (Amen!!! Applause)..."

During pallbearing once, it was a cheap casket. Some form of plywood bottom nailed into place, and unfortunately, it seems that the casket had been resting on the ground at some point, and it had been raining. As the casket is being brought up the hill, the water-softened wood gave way under the weight of the deceased, the corpse fell through, and rolled down the hill.
They ended up turning the casket upside down, dropped him back in, and buried him that way.

Got assigned to one funeral, we show up at the gravesite only to see some sailors there in dress whites. (I'm Army). We check to make sure which one of us is at the wrong service. "James Smith?" "Yep". "Odd. I have him down as a Staff Sergeant, Army" "We have him listed as a Petty Officer, Navy." We ask a relative which branch of service he was in. Turns out he was in both, so we decide to do a combined service. Only problem was that the sailors were all five-foot nothing, and the soldiers were all 6'3" and better. Flag looked kindof crooked.

Another time, we show up and discover (about an hour ahead of time) that there was a cock-up, and we had been dispatched to a chap who had only ever served in the Navy. Thinking quickly, I recall that I had seen a visiting destroyer moored in San Francsico. I drive back to SF, walk up to the ship, and speak to the officer of the deck. "This is a bit of an odd request, but do you mind awfully if I borrow a couple of your sailors in dress whites for a funeral?" "Huh?!" "We're doing a funeral for a veteran, and it turns out they sent Army instead of Navy" "Are you refusing to honor a sailor?" "Not at all, but I thought the Navy might perfer to have Navy honour their own man than let the Army do it. Might be an insult or something." The OOD immediately got on the 'phone. "Have Seamen A and B report to the Q-Deck in ten minutes in dress whites!" I threw them in the back of my Camaro (Not really designed for passengers), high-tailed it to the funeral. Just made it.

A Coast Guard ensign, recently returned from Iraq shore duty was onstage, addressed the crowd, then turned to salute the flag-draped casket. Upon the first rifle volley, he immediately sought cover on the ground behind the coffin.

One of the weirder events: Funeral for an Iraq KIA, in Santa Rosa. (Home of Charles Schultz, creator of Snoopy). They had a massive cortege, led by a horse-drawn, flag-draped carriage, a bunch of fire engines and police cars and bikes with lights flashing as escorts, and a goodly amount of people behind. They slowly drove all the way through the goodly-sized town, and many people watched. News crews interviewed a bunch of onlookers, some pro-war, some anti-war, but all respectful of the dead soldier. What we didn't realise, however, was that the hearse-owner/operator was... politically unbalanced. He was well known for speaking out in city council meetings on the most ridiculous things, but in this case, he was also anti-war-in-Iraq. OK, you can have that, land of free opinion and whatnot, and he was the only horse-drawn-hearse operator around. He apparently hired a number of protestors to protest at the funeral, holding up signs. The protestors were sent to the hospital by the funeral attendees. First we heard of it was leaving the cemetary, police were taking witness statements and there was blood on the pavement.

We'll usually do anything that the next of kin requests as long as it's not disrespectful. One Jewish lass had us show up at their home about a week after the funeral (Apparently they have a tradition of having a party a week or so later, and that was deemed the right time for us). Problem was that the only place to fold the flag was in the living room. It's interesting trying to solemnly fold the flag whilst avoiding the chandolier and kids sitting on the floor.

We also got to test our sea legs: We've done a few scatterings-at-sea in San Francisco Bay. Next time you're on a small boat (about a 30 footer) in open water, attempt to stand at attention. Now attempt to fold a flag while standing at attention. Oh, the deck is wet.

Due to a lack of buglers, we have to use electronic facsimiles sometimes. These days, they're an MP3 player shoved up a real bugle, so at least it doesn't look as bad as a boom-box playing a CD. It does get embarassing when the batteries run out mid-Taps though, that happened to me once. Family took it rather well. We had one of our sergeants congratulated by an attendee on a different occasion though: "Excellent playing of taps. I'm a musician myself, and I was so pleased that you didn't use a CD player, but a real bugle." We didn't have the heart to tell him about the MP3 player.

"Ready.. aim... fire!!! (Bang). Ready..aim... fire (Bang)... Ready.. aim.. fire (Bang)"... Two minutes later, a half dozen squad cars show up. "We've had a report of shots fired...."

More often than not, around here, the casket is not lowered into the ground with the family present. At one occasion, the family had departed, and the grounds-staff started to lower away. Only problem was that the coffin was larger than most (as the deceased was evidently larger than most), and it didn't fit in the hole, and concrete liner. The biggest groundsman there got on top of the casket and jumped up and down on it until it went in. On another occasion, they unscrewed the handles, lowered the coffin, and threw the handles in on top.

More as I remember them.

NTM

*As an aside, Catholic priests I've run into here say that Irish services are the most boring, dead services they've ever been to. Much more singing in US versions, though frankly, I don't like it.

Manic Moran

Manic Moran wrote:

During pallbearing once, it was a cheap casket. Some form of plywood bottom nailed into place, and unfortunately, it seems that the casket had been resting on the ground at some point, and it had been raining. As the casket is being brought up the hill, the water-softened wood gave way under the weight of the deceased, the corpse fell through, and rolled down the hill.
They ended up turning the casket upside down, dropped him back in, and buried him that way.

:eek:

Terry

i only have 'you had to be there' type stories.

a friends child had died. we were outside the graveyard waiting for the coffin to arrive from the church and one of my friends was taking the piss out of his ex. deservedly so. she was a complete skanger and had her hair done some mad way on the day. my friend was calling her 'cher'.
throughout the whole service, none of us could look at her or each other without laughing.

Saint_Mel

My boss and a few work colleagues went to the funeral of another
work colleagues Dad and after getting lost several times on the way
they eventually found the village and legged it into the church.

Both signed the book of condonences and proceeded to shake hands
with the relatives etc and as the funeral mass began they were franticially
looking around for anyone else they recognised from work but to no avail.

Just towards the end of the funeral mass one of the lads went out for
a cigarette and after having a quick walk around the church, noticed
all the rest of the work mates streaming out of a church down the road.

Turned out there was 2 churches in the village/parish and without knowing
it my boss had parked outside the wrong chuch and they had legged it into
to the wrong funeral!