Girlfriend just leaves

LegacyUser

Ok, firstly let me apologise for the long story. But I want people to know the full story first.

I have (had) been with my gf for 3 and a half years. We have a 2 and a half yr old daughter together. We live together with her father. Things have been fine between us. Have gone on 2 holidays this year, planning our 3rd. We always spoke about marriage and things in the future. Everything seemed great.

I was on the phone to her last Wednesday (28th June 06) at 5pm and we were planning on doing stuff over the weekend. She was really looknig forward to it. I tried ringing her back at 5:30, but there was no answer. Assuming she had gone shopping, i rang back several times. She never answered her phone. I even rang her friends phone who she was with earlier, but no answer on that. I got a text at 9pm saying that she wouldnt be home, and she was sorry. That was it. I tried contacting her back, and I her phone was off. She came home the following morning at 8am, her and my daughter. She said she had stayed in her friends house. This friend is a male, and she has known him for years. I have always been suspicious of him, and she knew that. I asked her what happened, and she told me that she didnt know how she felt about me, and she thought she had fallen for her friend. Normally they contact each other, maybe once a month, but for the past 4 weeks, they have been in contact several times a day. This was extremley uncharacteristic of her, especially when we had planned so many things together. However, there are a few issues, that you need to know about:


A few weeks ago, her mothers house burnt down, so she moved in with us, along with the gf's 19 yr old brother. We live in a 3 bedroomed house. Me and the gf were in 1 room, the daughter in a different room, the father on the couch, and her mother and brother in the same room. Every day, my gf could not relax, she was stressed out by her mother, and had no freedom. They argued every day.

Her father had only been laid off recently, which added to the pressures of bills and general life.

She has a court case going on at the moment, which has not moved at all, and she only got a letter from the solicitor last week, detailing that she may not win the case.

Her friend has always been there for her, as someone to talk to. She has told me that her feelings are stronger for him, and she has been staying over with him, with the baby that past few nights. She swears nothing has happened between them, but they are very close, and they both have feelings for each other. When they text each other they are saying "i cant believe I feel this way about you. Ive known you for so long, it feels so great being with you. I cant wait to see you later, love ya baby"

She has female friends, who are all single and invite her out twice a week, but she never goes because she feels she needs to stay home with me and the baby.


What im wondering is, do you think its possible she has had a breakdown, and her new bf knew she was down, stuck his oar in and is taking advantage of her feelings? She has told me she doesnt want to be with my anymore, but she also hasnt thought about this. It seems that she may have gone to him, as an escape from the everyday life, because it was different, it was away from the house and her family, and she felt free. Her friends have been telling her to be single for a long time, and her new bf, has always been there for her, and has all of a sudden been in contact with her alot more recently (before anything happened).

If anybody could advise (if you managed to read it!), I would be greatful

Tak3n

Girls from my experience, tend to talk to other male friends about things which they should ideally be talking to with their partner.
I also know that not many guys are interested in girls as "just" friends and almost always have an ulterior motive, i imagine this was to be more than friends with her.
She perhaps felt uncomfortable talking to you about certain things and decided to confide in him... much to his benefit. So yes i do believe he "stuck his oar in".

Im no expert but maybe you should call her up and ask her to dinner to talk about the situation, i mean you do have a kid to think about, it may sound crude but you could use that to you advantage. Explain your feelings about her and dont come over as angry and complacent. Remind her of the good times you had together and hopefully she will see the light.

Like i said im no expert but i hope it helps.

Vegeta

sorry but i instantly hate your ex.

if your daughter wasn't involved i would never speak to her again. I don't think its a breakdown i'm afraid.

Fanny Cradock

what do you mean by "new bf"??

if you are living together and talking about marriage then surely you, and not the other guy, are her bf! (apologies if i misunderstand this)


it's impossible for anyonme here to determine if she is having a breakdown, but she does sound VERY confused. as will no doubt be suggested ad nauseum, you must talk to the girl. if she is worth fighting for then do so. if not, you may want to consider seeking legal advice about your child.

LegacyUser

She knows how i feel. Something she said to me that has stuck with me, she said that Im turning into my father, and she doesnt want to live the same life as my mother. She meant it in the sense that she never does anything. She always stuck at home. Ive explained to her that I can see the way I am, and I am going to make a point out of not turning into him. Ive reminded her about the good times. Times like going on holidays, getting married, going to hifi in august! She was really looking forward to them. When I said them to her, I could see she got a little upset, but than instantly put up a wall saying, no its over, i dont want to be with you anymore, i havent loved you for a long time. Yet, this contradicts the way she has been acting. I have noticed she had changed and was a little bit distant to me, over the past 3/4 weeks, incidently the same time she started hearing from your man. I think that he knew what way she was feeling, and put ideas in her head, that staying with me was a bad idea, and he can provide her with a much better life. Ive asked her to come out and spend some time with me and my daughter, but she said, no its still too early, maybe next time. Ive also asked her out to dinner, or for a few drinks, but shes saying no, yet it seems like she wants to. Shes not allowing herself to actually look at the situation, because of all the influencing factors. We've agreed to stay friends, because we were best friends, and also for the baby. Im going to fight for her, but I think i need to do it in a more cunning way. She is in the "froth" of this new relationship, seems like rebounding, so Im thinking that if I hang around, and she confides in me, I can pull a trick like her other friend did, and I can try and stick my oar in.

LegacyUser

Well, im no longer with her anymore, yet she never actually officially said it. I know she said, i dnt wnt you anymore, i dnt love u anymore. She also said previously, that she wanted time to make her mind up, but she didnt allow that because she threw herself into the arms of the other guy

LegacyUser

Jesus that's really confusing. I hope you get through it.

DubNside

Thats rough going man, I know its a bit late now but where there any signs?

It is true that male friends sometimes have an alterior motive, and this guy appears to have been her emotional support rather than a close female friend or you.

I would advise to sit down with both of them for your own piece of mind and discuss the current situation.

Ickle Magoo

Sorry OP,

Sound like you are doing the classic thing & blaming the man rather the person who deserves it - your ex....she can't possibly have woken up that morning & though "I don't know how I feel"....she obviously had doubts & didn't talk to you about them...she deffinately has a lot going on in her life but personally speaking, I would be inclined to lean more on my partner during times of trouble than a male friend....

Fanny Cradock

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Sorry OP,

Sound like you are doing the classic thing & blaming the man rather the person who deserves it - your ex....she can't possibly have woken up that morning & though "I don't know how I feel"....she obviously had doubts & didn't talk to you about them...she deffinately has a lot going on in her life but personally speaking, I would be inclined to lean more on my partner during times of trouble than a male friend....

excellent point!

LegacyUser

She told me she had been thinking about things alot lately, and she was out last wednesday evening, and she decided, "i dont want to go home". She said that she just talked to other guy. Something tells me though, that this other guy, knew exactly how she was feeling, an basically told her to leave me, as she is unhappy. He knew that there were several other things in her life going on at present, she's extremely stressed, something she cant handle, and knew, for his sake, trick her into thinking that it was my fault. I dont know whether if the mother wasnt there, things would be different, if he wasnt around, things would be different. If she had sat me down, told me how she felt, said she wanted time to sort herself out, that would be ok. Its just she basically kicked me out of the house, and ran off to this new guy.

Im so confused. I want to be angry at her.

annR

It sounds to me like it might be some sort of escape for her from your domestic situation which, quite frankly, sounds very crowded and like a bit of a strain.

>>It seems that she may have gone to him, as an escape from the everyday life, because it was different, it was away from the house and her family, and she felt free. <<

I would say that is a large part of it. We are all susceptible to temptation during difficult times, maybe she just needs out. Can't you be the person to take her away rather than someone else? Had you made any plans for the two of you to have your own place even if it's just renting?

LegacyUser

annR wrote:

Had you made any plans for the two of you to have your own place even if it's just renting?

I said this to her the other day. I said, if we get back together, we will get our own place, and sort ourselves out. Ive told her that I can help her, and I will stop controlling her. She says im controlling her because she cant go out with the girls, without me checking up on her. I think she felt trapped by me, but the way I see it is, we were as good as married, so if shes out and about, im fully entitled to be concerned for her. She had a very wild teenage years, and she settled down quickly with me. We are both in our mid 20's

LegacyUser

DubNside wrote:

I would advise to sit down with both of them for your own piece of mind and discuss the current situation.

I said to her that we deserve it to each other to try and resolve this. Even give each other another chance, with us both knowing how we both felt and where we stood. When I said she deserves it to me, she laughed and said, "deserve it to you". Alot of my friends and family are saying I should be angry at her, because she is being heartless, and I do want to be. But she is the mother of my child, I have been with her for 3 and a half years, and she was my best friend. I still cant see how she went from one extreme, of snuggling upto me on the couch, talking about getting married, saying she loved me, and did everything for me, to the way she is now. I still think shes not thinking straight, and she not allowing it. Whenever I try and get her to do it, she just puts up a wall, and says , no no no

DubNside

When there is a 3rd party like her male friend involved your best to sit down all 3 of you as you all involved, find out what his story is, maybe he will say he was only being a mate and she came on too emotional and he has no interest in being with her.
I reckon you can sort this out once all 3 of you see things from each others point of view.
Going forward i would say you and your gf/daughter need to get a place of your own where you can be a proper family.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

DubNside wrote:

When there is a 3rd party like her male friend involved your best to sit down all 3 of you as you all involved, find out what his story is, maybe he will say he was only being a mate and she came on too emotional and he has no interest in being with her.
I reckon you can sort this out once all 3 of you see things from each others point of view.
Going forward i would say you and your gf/daughter need to get a place of your own where you can be a proper family.

Best of luck.

She has told me that they both have feelings for each other. The texts he has been sending her, r texts that someone in love in a new relationship sends. he said "i cant believe we have known each other for so long, and now we are together. it feels soooooo good. Lucky me". I hope he comes on too strong and scares her away.

I forgot to say another thing:
As i mentioned, they have been texting each other alot more ove the past few weeks, funnily enough, since the mother moved in. But every text she received or sent, same as phone calls she made and received from him, she specifically deleted these, while leaving the others. I asked her on this and she said, I know how you feel about him, and I didnt want you getting hurt. Hiding text msgs are no way near in comparison to what shes done now!

annR

>>I said this to her the other day. I said, if we get back together, we will get our own place, and sort ourselves out. Ive told her that I can help her, and I will stop controlling her. <<

What did she say to this . . .did she have any interest in the two of you getting your own place?

Do you think she will leave and move in with this guy in order to get out of the house?

Why is she putting up a wall? Has there been other problems between ye, have ye been fighting etc before all this?

I'm trying to figure out is it really that she needs to get out of the house or is it you she wants to get away from.

fuzzywiggle

Why do you want this woman back so badly? For your childs sake? If so that's understandable but if I were you I would want nothing to do with her. Instead it seems to be the other way around. Why? She might have alot going on but that certainly is no reason for her to act like that. You're blaming him alot but I mean it was her decision so I think she needs some of the blame too. Anyway give her some time. She might come to her senses.

Best of luck

annR

I'm just trying to imagine living in a house with my boyfriend and child, my parents and my brother, with my Da sleeping on the couch. I'd probably do anything to get out.

DubNside

I always thought that when in a relationship and a new friend of the opposite sex is introduced, then I would do the best to get to know this person so as to make sure there was nothing more to the relationship then there should be.

If this guy was already friends with her then I would ensure that i found out if there were feelings between the two of them, and if there was then just back away before getting too involved.

But i would say she has betrayed you, who's fault is it? I dont know theres always more to a situation than can be explained on here.

LegacyUser

annR wrote:

What did she say to this . . .did she have any interest in the two of you getting your own place?

What she said was, no if we get back together, we wouldnt live with each other. She said this to me on Sunday when she was still drunk and very hungover from the night before.

annR wrote:

Do you think she will leave and move in with this guy in order to get out of the house?

She basically already has. She spent last night with him. She went out to his house with the daughter at 3 am the tuesday morning, because she couldnt sleep. He rang in sick from her phone.

annR wrote:

Why is she putting up a wall? Has there been other problems between ye, have ye been fighting etc before all this?

He came up friday 2 weeks ago, and was there for around an hr & a half. He was in the back garden, with her and her mother. I was in work. She sent her friend a text saying that he came up, and she replied, does (my name) know? My ex then replied, no, thats what im afraid of. I quizzed her on this, and she said, its because i knew ud go mad. I told her, im only mad because you hid it from me! We then had an argument, she said that talking to him, made her realise that she wants to be single again. I asked her did she have feelings for him, and she said "no, of course not". I asked is there anything going on and she said "no, i cant believe you even asked that". Around an hour later she apologised.

As i said, alot of this is making sense. I think she was caught between the 2 of us, and made a decision. Thing is though, she was acting like she was still going to be with me, and never gave any indication of otherwise

LegacyUser

DubNside wrote:

But i would say she has betrayed you, who's fault is it? I dont know theres always more to a situation than can be explained on here.

I always checked up on her, because she was secretive on me. If she knew she was going out for the weekend on a tuesay, she wouldnt tell me until an hr before hand, and pretend that she only found out.

She felt she needed my permission to go out or do anything. She didnt want this. She didnt want to feel controlled and trapped, and being honest, I made her feel that way.

Do you think that this relationship has a possibilty of getting back together?
I want to get back with her because I do still love her, and because we have a child. I still think that she should give it another chance. After 3 and a half years, and having a child together, I think its only fair.

DubNside

Ah I dunno man, secrets dont belong in a loving relationship.

If you dont mind me saying, you both seem quiet young, maybe it would be good to have a break so you can get your heads together.

Most Important in all of this is your kid, make sure you still get plenty of time with her.

Medina

Hi,

No two girls are the same but almost every girl goes through the same temptations now and then.

I'm in my mid-20's too and am engaged, and oftentimes I really really miss going out,even though my partner never says anything if I do, he doesn't mind at all, but I feel guilty leaving him there ...maybe thats why she refuses to go out?

Often times I get pissed off with my man, not because he's doing anything wrong but because I miss my single life sometimes. Then I ask myself what do I value more, and I thank God I have him. But remember, she may not feel as loved as I do, so its the 'grass is always greener' syndrome going on. What she's forgetting is that if she stays with the guy, someday it might get stale and boring and then what if he goes looking elsewhere? She does have someone else's child with her (yours) and thats a lot of baggage. Remember that you have the upper hand because you're used to kids now. Is he going to get up in the middle of the night to help her? Maybe he will...but for how long?

Also girls love attention. And ask yourself, how romantic are you? You said she does everything for you...what do you do for her? Did she feel a bit neglected..after three and a half years, do you still take her out for dinner when its not her birthday or a special occassion? And if you can't afford it, then if you get her back, try to keep her by showing how much you love her. My fiancee always leaves me little sweet notes, sends me texts telling me he loves me etc even when he's just downstairs.

Some girls love to flirt. Fact. And if she used to be one of those, well maybe she's feeling nostalgic on her 'wild, free days' when she got lots of attention. Don't overload her now with some, it will look fake, but do something and be sincere about it. Remember: Lots of little sweet things consistently is a million times better than one grand gesture. Even if she doesn't come back immediately, she'll know you're waiting for her, and eventually she'll come back. She sounds like a person who craves spontaneity and excitement, you'd hardly get that living with you're entire family. Try your best to show..not tell... her how spontaneous you can be in the matters of love.

I think you have the right attitude, stick around, tell her you love her no matter what, (remember to stay on her good side because of your child), even go and look at a place to live and if you find one , ask her to come and look at it for you 'to see if it would be suitable to keep your baby in' and maybe she will be able to envisage you three as a little family there.

It seems to me that her enthusiasm, then sudden reluctance , means she's not too convinced its the right thing yet, and also that she loves you deeply. Its hard to let go when you're so in love. So you haven't lost yet. Try and be understanding. If all else fails, be her friend and let her know you're still there for her.

Good luck

Chinafoot

remain unknown wrote:

She told me she had been thinking about things alot lately, and she was out last wednesday evening, and she decided, "i dont want to go home". She said that she just talked to other guy. Something tells me though, that this other guy, knew exactly how she was feeling, an basically told her to leave me, as she is unhappy. He knew that there were several other things in her life going on at present, she's extremely stressed, something she cant handle, and knew, for his sake, trick her into thinking that it was my fault.

Do you really think she is that easily led or are you trying to just blame this guy? She told you she doesn't love you anymore and I honestly don't believe that the mother of your child would say this if she didn't mean it. It's not something that is easily said in any situation, much less when there is a child involved.

How do you know what messages have been sent? How did you know that she had deleted the messages? Just because you were practically married in your view does not give you the right to check up on her every single move. Behaviour like that does nothing other than push the person away.

remain unknown wrote:

I always checked up on her, because she was secretive on me. If she knew she was going out for the weekend on a tuesay, she wouldnt tell me until an hr before hand, and pretend that she only found out.

If she felt the need to lie to you about silly things like that then she was clearly worried about your reaction. That's not a healthy relationship. You admit yourself to controlling her. I'm sorry but no self-respecting woman would remain in a relationship like that, especially when there are kids involved. She sought comfort with another man that has feelings for her and who she has feelings for in return....not someone that she needs to lie to and hide messages from for fear of a reaction.

remain unknown wrote:

Do you think that this relationship has a possibilty of getting back together?
I want to get back with her because I do still love her, and because we have a child. I still think that she should give it another chance. After 3 and a half years, and having a child together, I think its only fair.

To be perfectly honest...no, not unless you can change the controlling behaviour. Try and see the flip side. Imagine you had a girlfriend who checked up on you when you were out, who wanted to see your messages, and who was generally very controlling. Would you accept that as you were as good as married so if you're out and about, she's fully entitled to be concerned for you? Or would you see it for what it is - trying to control you and essentially not trusting you?

From the information that you yourself have given I think it's pretty obvious that this girl was unhappy in the relationship and I can se why. You even said yourself that you made her feel trapped. So while it would be very easy for us to call her a heartless bitch I think you should take a look at your own behaviour and you might see what caused some of this. I know I would never stay with anyone who behaved the way you have described. You can't make people stay in love with you. By the sounds of things she fell out of love with you and maybe she's been unhappy for a long time and tried to make it work because of the child. If it didn't work and she's still unhappy then you should accept that and move on.

Yes you were together for 3 and a half years and yes you have a child together...however if she in unhappy in the relationship and doesn't love you anymore then what is the point in being together? Your child will be much better off with two happy parents away from each other, than two miserable parents living together.

Your main concern here should be your child. Make sure you still see her and let your ex get on with things. She doesn't want to be with you so you should let her go.

LegacyUser

Thanks medina. She started work yesterday part time. Shes worked about 2 weeks before that when we were going with each other. I had the child for the day. She asked me to bring my daughter home for hald 5, as she was heading out to a house party in your mans house, and she needed to bring her with her. I was home around 10 past 5, she had only gotten home. I bought her a card from the baby, saying, well done on your first day, and I made her a cup of tea. She looked at the card, said thanks, and then put it back in the envelope and threw it down on the chair. Im trying to get her to open up, and think about things, and even talk about things with me, but she wont.

If the other guy wasnt around, this would be so much easier. Give her space, until she sorts herself out. Presently its, shes having a "break" but shes going to stay over with another man who she has feelings for and not care what she does to me. She refuses to think about our situation. The grass isint always greener on the other side, but at this point in time, because shes "free and single" out having a laugh with her mates and getting a new job, she feels that everything is so much better, and it must be down to the new fella. Which its not.

Grrrr, why is my head so muddled up with this. I wish life was a computer, just click undo, or just reload from a previous point. Knowing what I know now, if I was still with her, I would show her every day how much I care for her and love her. But I rekon its too late...

Tazz T

peachypants wrote:

To be perfectly honest...no, not unless you can change the controlling behaviour. Try and see the flip side. Imagine you had a girlfriend who checked up on you when you were out, who wanted to see your messages, and who was generally very controlling. Would you accept that as you were as good as married so if you're out and about, she's fully entitled to be concerned for you? Or would you see it for what it is - trying to control you and essentially not trusting you?
.

It's questionable who's behaviour is controlling here? He was suspicious, checked up on her and his suspicions were confirmed. She was in the wrong, decieving him while he continued to allow her to carry on a relationship with her 'friend', knowing all was not as it should be.

The girl obviously has had a lot to deal with recently, but there's only so much slack you can cut her. She seems to think this other guy is an easy way out and she knows if it doesn't work out the way she wants it, she can running back to the OP - until the next time. Unless the OP acts now, this will be drawn out and painful.

Sit down and discuss how you feel with her and ask her if she sure that this is what she wants for her, you and your child, tell her you love her, you don't want her to leave but, if that's what she wants you'll live with it. But you will move on. Say in no uncertain terms that if she goes, that's it, there's no coming back. Don't become her welcome mat when things go wrong.

Zombrex

Not really following this. A few questions

- Did all this happen in the last week? You seemed to have gone from blissfully happy to "she is my ex" in a very sort space of time. Where are you living? Are you still living with her parents on your own? I think you need to step back for a bit, take a break. All this has happend very quickly.

- You keep talking about the texts between her and this guy? How do you know what they said? Have you been reading her text for the last month? If you have that is well out of order. Your suspecious behaviour is only going to push her away. At the end of the day you don't own her, you have no right to her. She has to want to be with you.

- You have only mentioned your child briefly in passing, which seems a little strange. Is she your daughter or a child from a previous relationship of your gfs?. If I was you that would be my number one priority at the moment. She seems to be just heading off into the night with her any time she likes. Are you happy with her taking your daughter to stay over night in this guys house? How is your legal situation with the child. By default you have no rights to this child unless you are offically registersed with the state as her father (this is not the same as being the father on the birth cert). If you haven't done it already I would seriously suggest getting legal advice asap or you may wind up unable to see your daughter.

- I would not spend all your energy focusing on this other guy. Thinking everything would be fine if he wasn't around is pointless since he is around, and also probably not true. He hasn't caused the rift between the two of you, though he may be the focus of it for the moment. So what if he is making a play for your girlfriend. He might not be, he might just be being a good friend to your gf when she is feeling low. Or he might be trying to jump into bed with her. It doesn't really matter, its how your girlfriend behaves that is important. If she was only staying with you because someone hadn't yet suggested she doesn't, well the relationship is still in dire straights anyway.

My advice to you is to move out of her family home, and as soon as you can get legal advice on your status with your daughter (if that status is unclear, you might already know all about your rights as a single father). Then you need to give a bit of a cooling off time before you have a proper talk with your girlfriend. There could be a million reasons why she is acting like this, she might be sick of the situation at home, she might have fallen madly in love with this guy, she might have fallen out of love with you. Until she has figured it out herself, until she has been given a bit of time to get her head together, she won't know herself so she definitatly won't be able to explain it to you.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. I moved into my parents house for the time being. I had no choice considering she kicked me out and took my key.

I know my daughter will be looked after a huge amount. Im not happy with my ex taking her out at 3am, and im not happy with her spending the time with the new guy. My ex told me last night, that they slept in the same bed, but my daughter was between them. This has annoyed me, alot. But I dont want to start saying what she can and cant do, because it will be seen as controlling. Ive taken my daughter, all day Sunday, and for a few hours yesterday. im taking her tommorow night. She is my main priority, but I cant simply forget about my ex, because i loved her more than anything before, and I still do.

Her phone was on the same bill as me, my bill. I could see all of the texts she was sending. In terms of what they said, we had an open relationship in terms of this, she would go through my phone, i would go through hers. She just forgot to delete txts sometimes.

I want her back more than anything. Even after everything she's done, id still take her back. I want to move on, but Im afraid of letting go, incase I never get her back

Chinafoot

Tazz T wrote:

It's questionable who's behaviour is controlling here? He was suspicious, checked up on her and his suspicions were confirmed. She was in the wrong, decieving him while he continued to allow her to carry on a relationship with her 'friend', knowing all was not as it should be.

From what the OP has said, it appears that there was controlling behaviour on his part before this. She had to lie about going out with her friends and felt she needed his permission to go out and so she often wouldn't. When she did go out he would constantly check up on her. That is controlling and suffocating behaviour and it's not healthy.

The OP himself has admitted that he made her feel trapped. How did he know what messages had been sent between her and the other guy? How did he know that she had deleted messages? Sure you can say his suspicions were confirmed, however the OP must also take a look at what else could have caused her to move towards this other man. As it stands the OP is putting all of the emphasis on this other guy and he is failing to recognise that his own behaviour could have contributed to her change in feelings. If he tries to control her and check up on her every move, which he tries to justify as concern, then he is going to push her away.

Tazz T wrote:

The girl obviously has had a lot to deal with recently, but there's only so much slack you can cut her. She seems to think this other guy is an easy way out and she knows if it doesn't work out the way she wants it, she can running back to the OP - until the next time. Unless the OP acts now, this will be drawn out and painful.

He as tried to get her back and judging from his most recent post she is standing firm and isn't getting back with him. So I don't see how you can say "she knows" she can go running back to the OP. There has been no indication of that, she has left him and told him she doesn't love him.

Hes trying to get her to open up and make her talk to him when clearly she doesn't want to. You know it is possible that she just doesn't love him anymore. Surely it would be worse for both of them if she were to remain in a relationship that she didn't want to be in.

The OP should give her the space that she needs and like Wicknight said, focus on his daughter. Trying to push the woman into opening up when she doesn't want to is only going to push her further and further away.

LegacyUser

Yes, I checked up on her. But only because she was very secretive with me. I know it was wrong. Ive told her that. I can see that, but only now. Ive told her that I can give her the freedom she craves.

LegacyUser

Ive just had a long chat with my brother. Ive realised a few things now

I am extremely paranoid
I find it difficult to trust anyone
I have a short temper
I feel the need to know whats going on all the time
I have controlling issues.


I think they are all linked in togetther. Do you think I should see a psychiatrist? I think i should

remain unknown

Something that has come into my mind. Ive had some self awareness:

I am extremeley paranoid
I have a short temper
I cant trust anyone
I feel the need to know whats going on all the time
I need to control things
Im very sensitive, but insensitive at the same time
I think im caring about other people, when I only care about myself


Do you think I should see somebody about my own problems?

After everything thats gone on, what do you think is my best approach to my ex? Im collecting my daugher tommorow. Should I go over when shes at work, so we dont see each other? Or should I keep making sure that we are seeing each other, hoping that I might be able to get her to talk?

Fanny Cradock

well you could look at this sad insident as a chance to "improve" yourself. seek some help from a professional - people do it all the time. it sounds like this breakup may have opened your eyes a little. however, at the same time, don't be too hard on yourself - no one is perfect.

GuanYin

If you really do feel that you have these problems and can work through them, then I could suggest one thing.

Write a letter to her detailing everything yuo've said here that you feel to be true. Don't judge in it, especially don't judge her "friend".

Write about you, your problems, how you feel and how you feel you'll deal with it. Write about her, how you feel about her and how you feel about losing her. Write about the good things about your relationship and write about the issues (such as the stress she has been under and your own "issues" that you now feel you have).

When doing this, bear a few things in mind.

1) Be open and objective.
2) Be honest.
3) Don't blame anyone.
4) Don't lay on guilt
5) Don't bad mouth anyone.
6) Don't make empty promises.
7) don't accuse anyone of anything


Ask her to do one thing for you and that is to take the letter away somewhere alone and read it. And if she can meet you to talk about it then that would be a great start. If not, get her to write you a letter back.

It may not help mend things, but it may put hings in perspective for both of you and if nothing else, I think that would be an improvement over your current situation.

secret_squirrel

It sounds like you both have issues.

You obviously are too controlling, but I wouldnt get too hung up on everything negative it will smash your self esteem to bits.

Dont be too negative about yourself, but also try to improve some of your more major faults.

she seems like she is running away from everything. Full Stop. Possibly she might come to her senses - possibly not. Best thing to do is to concentrate on yourself and your daughter.

BTW if some other man was sharing a bed with my 2 yr old daughter, 1 week after my Ex-GF moved out I would be consulting a solicitor and possibly the social.

How can that be considered responsible behaviour by your (ex) GF?

remain unknown

I have asked her to think about things alone, and she is refusing to do it. She wont alow herself think about it, which i think is unfair. Could she possibly be afraid that she will see the reality of things, and is too proud to admit? She could be too proud to admit she is wrong. (something when we were going out she did).

She was meant to ring me this evening to sort out me talking my daughter tommorow. The call never arrived. i think she wants me on a leash. i sent her a text message at around half 4, asking how work was going, but she never replied. So i think she is being extremley selfish, by not ringing me and expecting me to chase after her.

I think she may have been caught between choosing both of us. She didnt know which to pick, so she chose the one that was new, exciting, easier, and got her out of all the problems she has. I want to wait for her to see if she changes her mind, but I also want to move on with my life. I want to hate for what shes doing, but my love for her is too strong. I havent slept properly in a week, ive lost 2 stone, and I feel like ****. She told me she hasnt slept properly, or eaten properly since this started too. That sounds like a tortured mind and soul. Grrr, why does love have to be so difficult.

At least I have my daughter tommorow, yay! Assuming my ex will allow me to...

joebhoy1916

remain unknown wrote:

Something that has come into my mind. Ive had some self awareness:

I am extremeley paranoid
I have a short temper
I cant trust anyone
I feel the need to know whats going on all the time
I need to control things
Im very sensitive, but insensitive at the same time
I think im caring about other people, when I only care about myself

Do you smoke the wacky?

remain unknown

joebhoy1916 wrote:

Do you smoke the wacky?

no! unfortunatley, i get most of them from my father. Does it sound like its too late, or do people think that there is a chance she might decide that she does want to be with me?

joebhoy1916

Maybe you would be just better off without her if she is doing that kinda stuff. It's hard mate I was told the same and had a daughter its not easy.

But she must have been thinking about it for awhile? She wouldn't just get up and go!

To be honest the woman your talknig about kinda sounds the same as mine doesnt anwer the phone for no reason all that stuff. I honestly think its woman's hormones? There all the same you ask me.

If she isnt talknig to you how do you know you are seen your daughter tomorrow?

Hope everything works out for ya.

But I know what I would be doing to her friend :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

remain unknown

joebhoy1916 wrote:

Maybe you would be just better off without her if she is doing that kinda stuff. It's hard mate I was told the same and had a daughter its not easy.

But she must have been thinking about it for awhile? She wouldn't just get up and go!

To be honest the woman your talknig about kinda sounds the same as mine doesnt anwer the phone for no reason all that stuff. I honestly think its woman's hormones? There all the same you ask me.

If she isnt talknig to you how do you know you are seen your daughter tomorrow?

Hope everything works out for ya.

But I know what I would be doing to her friend :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

You've no idea!

Why cant she just give me another chance? i dont think its fair to tell someone where they went wrong, and not give them a chance to fix things.

Nevyn

I would suggest that you get some couselling for yourslef and that you get mediation for you and the mother of your child and as part of that lay down some ground rules as to how you will move forward.
This would include a parenting plan and how you will sort out seeing your child.
Have you gaurdianship of your child ? if not think about applying.

remain unknown

Thaedydal wrote:

I would suggest that you get some couselling for yourslef and that you get mediation for you and the mother of your child and as part of that lay down some ground rules as to how you will move forward.
This would include a parenting plan and how you will sort out seeing your child.
Have you gaurdianship of your child ? if not think about applying.

I dont but ive been researching it today. i dont want to piss her off. Ive already sorted out counselling. Booked stuff earlier. She's with him again tonight. Why is she with him so much. I think its extremley nasty. We're broken up a week, and she has spent all her time with him, with my daughter, and has stayed several nights. I think my feelings may be begining to turn to anger. I really should be angry at her. She kicked me out, has gone off with someone else, has just been plain nasty to me.

joebhoy1916

remain unknown wrote:

Why is she with him so much.

I dont mean to be smart mate but you know why she is there!

If she came back tomorrow like everything was ok would you take her back?

How old is she and you?

remain unknown

joebhoy1916 wrote:

I dont mean to be smart mate but you know why she is there!

If she came back tomorrow like everything was ok would you take her back?

How old is she and you?

She told me they are not sleeping together, and that she has no intention of it. She has zero sex drive since the birth of our daughter, and we rarely had sex as it was. She never tried, I always had to make the move.

If she came back tommorow I would take her back. I love her too much to just turn away, and turn her away.

She's 25, and im 24

joebhoy1916

Do you think it could be possible ye didnt have sex because she could have been with the other fella?

I honestly dont think she is staying there for no reason!

Kinda a question how long is abit of string!

If you believe she is really not with him and you wanna be with her then maybe give her abit of time to think about things!

But to be honest she aint there for no reason!

Whatever decision you make I hope it's the right one and not end up bad in the long run. You said you were paranoid well if she came back you would be just as paranoid or even worse trust me I know.

Could you not try asking her friends or even family what's going on with her?

remain unknown

joebhoy1916 wrote:

Do you think it could be possible ye didnt have sex because she could have been with the other fella?

I honestly dont think she is staying there for no reason!

Kinda a question how long is abit of string!

If you believe she is really not with him and you wanna be with her then maybe give her abit of time to think about things!

But to be honest she aint there for no reason!

Whatever decision you make I hope it's the right one and not end up bad in the long run. You said you were paranoid well if she came back you would be just as paranoid or even worse trust me I know.

Could you not try asking her friends or even family what's going on with her?

She is staying with him, because she cant live under the same roof as her mother anymore. She wants to kick her out. She promised me she hadnt been with anyone in our relationship and I believe her. I dont know if she is being extremeley cunning, or being genuine. I did ask her friends and family, and they didnt even know what was going on. Even her oldest friends, who she tells everything to, didnt even know. I then got into trouble when she found out i asked her family and friends, for "checking up on her".

Yes, if she came back, it would be extremley difficult to trust her. I suppose thats something we will have to sort out and deal with when the time comes

remain unknown

another day, another thought

Im going to some everything up, and if people can be honest with how it looks id be greatful.


With ex gf for 3 and a half years. We have a 2 and a half year old daughter.Our day to day live wasnt very exciting. Every now and again we may go bowling, cinema, meal or something. We would go out on the town maybe once every 2 months. She went out with her friends, maybe once a month, and I would always be checking up on here. I have trust issues.

We had become "comfortable" with each other, and stayed in watching tv or getting a take away. we often spoke about marriage, and said we would when we could afford it.

The ex always had a male friend, who contacted each other, maybe once a week or so. Theyve known each other for years. They slept together once around 4 years ago. There have been alot of stresses going on in her life recently, and it is getting to her. She always felt she could talk to her friend about things. The house we are living in has become over crowded. There are alot of other issues in her life at present too. Since around 2 weeks ago, she has been in contact with this male friend nearly every day. He came upto the house when I was in work 2 Fridays ago, and spent an hour talking to my ex. She then told me later that day, that he makes her feel that she wants to be single again. She told me she no feelings for him.

Last week, out of the blue she refused to come home. She told me to get out of the house. She stayed with her male friend. She came home the following morning and told me that she didnt know what she was thinking, but she wanted time to figure things out. I asked her if she had feelings for her friend, and she said yes. He has a 4/5 year old daughter from a previous relationship too.

Ive tried talking to her about it, but she said she doesnt want to. She wants me to stop making her mind up for her. She has spent all of her free time with this male friend since we broke up (including staying over in his place, he has his own place). She is not letting herself think of the situation properly.

I love her and care for her. I would do anything to get her back.

Where do people think I stand, or what shoud I do?

remain unknown

I think its only fair that I tell you something about me. I dont want to, but ive never told anyone, including my ex.

My job is a broadband installation engineer. Basically I go out to peoples houses and install broadband. In December, something happened to me. I called out to a house, that was completley vacant. It looked derilict. There was a man there, who told me that he was waiting for his furniture to arrive, and that he had just bought the place and was waiting to do it up. I thought, "ok, fair enough".

Things then took a turn. He locked me in a room. Said that he didnt live there. He tried to molest me. I fought back, but he was stronger and bigger than me. After about a minute of him touching me, i eventually broke free. I unlocked the door and escaped. I went to the guards with his name, address and mobile number, but they said that his number was only a prepay number, and it was no longer in use. The house I was at, had apparentley been derilict for quite a while. I cant remember the address anymore.

I never told anyone about it, until now. I know it affected me, but I tried to not let it. Its only the past week has made me think that it affected me more than I thought.

Medina

Very unhelpful advice there from joebhoy1916

Listen, possibly she is too proud to admit she made a mistake.
And it sounds to me like she's looking to play happy families with the other guy by having the three of them in the bed. And thats a bit ridiculous.

Or possibly, like some girls, she actually scorns you more because you're still making an effort with her.

Firstly, stop having a go at yourself. Nobody's perfect. Not you and Not her. Its good to realise what your own faults are, but don't kill yourself about it, have a good think over situations you had with her where those faults came out and try to imagine what you should have done instead. It takes time and practice to overcome, not a psychiatrist. The thing is to always think before you speak.

Secondly, write her the letter but state that this is the last time you're going to say these things like 'I love you'. Tell you you can't wait forever, but you feel this way but now you're going to get on with things ( I wouldn't say 'move on' to her).

Thirdly, give her space but when you do speak be cool but friendly. This will :
- Give her a shock, she's used to you now running after her.
- Give her time to miss you
- Give you time to think what you want. When doing this, try not to think over all the 'great days' you had or your dream of the future, but think honestly about how she did this, what else is she capable of? Would she do it again etc?
- Give you time to figure yourself out.
- Let her get on with her new man and realise its not all roses in the garden. He's as imperfect as you both, and thats when people know if they're compatible or not, how they react when trouble hits.


Fourthly, only contact her when you need to talk about your daughter. This is the hardest bit by far because with the whole spectrum of emotions you must be going through, you want to kill her, shout at her, forgive her, love her etc.. And that will get you nowhere. She has to come back of her own free will and I'm sure you want her to want to come back.

Don't settle for someone who's with you just because it doesn't work out with the other guy. Give her space, let her sweat it a bit, and if she comes back looking for forgiveness and you still want her, then try and make it the best relationship possible and be sweet with her. Don't take her back if she comes looking just because it didn't work out with the other guy.

Otherwise, be friendly for the sake of your daughter. Remember that God makes someone for everyone. You'll find the girl for you, it may or may not be her. Don't lose hope. You're a very decent human being, which you've proved I think. You will find someone ..when you're not expecting it..

Zombrex

Medina wrote:

Listen, possibly she is too proud to admit she made a mistake.

Maybe she doesn't think she has made a mistake. Maybe she hasn't.

To the OP -

It sounds like you have been having problems with your relationship for a long time. If you have had very little sex since the birth of your child that is bound to put pressure on the relationship. If all the things you realised about yourself from talking to your brother are true then seriously would you want to be in a relationship with yourself?

Very sorry to hear about your attack, but I think that is even more reason to be getting professional counciling. You seem to have a lot of issues going on right now, a councilor will hopefully help you deal with them if you can be honest with yourself, which judging by your talk with your brother you can.

I think you really need to give your girlfriend (ex-girlfriend) a lot of space right now. If the reason she left is because you are paranoid and controlling how is being paranoid and controlling going to win her back? Stop focusing on the other guy, stop being angry with her to her face, stop expecting things of her. Don't send her texts expecting a reply and getting angy when she doesn't. She obvously wants space away from you, so give it too her. You have no other option.

As I said before you can't make her come back to you. She has to want to. Getting her back by demanding she give you a second chance, or trying to convince/guilt her into realise she has made a mistake, isn't the answer. Its a cliche by the old "let her free, if she comes back its meant to be" lline comes to mind.

You are only going to make things worse if you keep going the way you are. You say you want her back, and if she came back right now you would have her. But I'd imagine it would be very difficult on you, especially given you admitted paranoid and controlling personaity. Would you still be angry, upset and jealous? Would you still want her to admit she made a mistake? Would you still be happy if she saw this guy?

My experience with couples who split up and then get back is that they end up tearing each other appart a few months later. Just because they are back doesn't mean all the hurt and resentment from the break up disappears. I knew one girl in college who just couldn't let it go that her fella had been with another woman after they broke up, and was constantly at him about this when they were back together until eventually he ended it because he was sick of her making him feel bad and guilty.

You need to seriously sort out the legal situation with your daughter. Her letting you see her is not acceptable. If anything happens to your ex what happens to the child? How do her parents feel about you? Would they be happy if she stayed with you? Are you her legal guardian? Are you sure, because you aren't automatically. All these questions need to be clarified with a solicotor if necessary. But you need to make absolutely sure you do this is a totally calm reasonable fashion. The last thing you want I'd imagine is for your daughter to be put in a tug of love between you too.

You need to take a step back.

You need to let your ex go, without expecting that she comes back.

You need to get yourself sorted out, go to the councilor not so you can win your ex back but so you can deal with your own issues for yourself. If by sorting your issues out (and this could take years) you show your ex that you are the man for her that is a bonus, but it shouldn't be the goal.

You need to focus on your daughter, this must be very scary and upsetting for her and she needs her father as much as her mother.

You need to stop contacting your ex except to deal with your daughters arrangements. Trying to "win her back" is only going to drive her more away. It simply fits your controlling personality, and shows her that yes in fact, she was right to leave. You can't logically reason, or guilt trip, her into realising that she actually wants to be with you. At the moment she obviously doesn't want to be with you, and she is ever going to feel better towards you it has to come from her, not from you. Playing games with her won't help.

As I said before, good luck