Cheating by texting

texas star

Hi I found my boyfriend of 3 yrs texting what he says in a stranger, a random girl texted him one evening last week and he texted her back quiet a few times nothing serious but flirty. I found out and broke it off I read his phone. The question is am I over reacting? Im heartbroken. Can you advise me anybody?

kittenkiller

I think you're over-reacting & I'm a jealous, obsessive, posessive freak!
If he's only been texting in a flirty manner then you've nothing to worry about (in relation to him anyway).

It'd be the same as you smiling at some randomer or sharing a raunchy joke & wink with a male friend!

Try to relax about it until you've found some sort of proof that he's taken it further.

michaela

broke what off? you and him?

Ickle Magoo

I don't think you are over-reacting....if my partner wants to flirt with other random women then he's welcome to do so....as a single man....it's disrespectful and worst of all it breeds an atmosphere of mistrust and paranoia for you....not fair & lets be honest, if you really like/love someone - you just don't do things like that....I'd always be worrying that he was prepared to flirt and carry on a texting relationship with a stranger who accidentally called him, what else would he do if given the opportunity....

I'm sure lots of men will post that you were over-reacting and it was nothing but if it causes you worry or hurt or damages your relationship in anyway, then you have to ask yourself if he is worth it....best of luck

finnpark

texas star wrote:

he says in a stranger, a random girl texted him

:rolleyes:

If youd believe that you would beleive anything

texas star

Thanks everyone for the advise, when I say I broke it off I mean I have moved out and gone home. I do believe that its innocent, but if i hadnt of read his phone could something more have happened? He has been ringing and texting me but at the moment I think I need time on my own. Thanks for advise all

Chucky the tree

hes probaly riding her now as i type. I am sure you made the right decision.

Sleepy

Jesus H Christ, you've ended a 3 year relationship because the guy flirted with someone else? For the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, don't take him back. He doesn't realise it now but he's better off without such a drama queen.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear that!
You did the right thing, you may not think that now, but you will eventually. Once you get over the hurt.
I left my husband last year, after I found out he was cheating on me our youngest son was only a few weeks old at the time!!
Before I found out he was cheating on me, I found texts on his phone from one of his female friends. They weren't very flirty either, but they were texting each other all the time. And THAT was the girl he was cheating with!

So one thing leads to another.


Karma

Strokesfan

I think you were right... it's sneaky and cheating could be considered anything you wouldn't want your other half to know about, he didn't show u so he obviously didn't think it was totally harmless, if you flirt with other fellas you would have to make allowances but it sounds like you don't so kick him to the curb if he's undermining you

scrattletrap

Ok I understand that he was flirting with someone, but what the hell were you doing reading his texts. I hate when people do that, generally you only get one end of the conversation and in context it could mean anything. (from experience)
I'm glad to hear that you broke up because you are also breaking his trust by reading his private messages (two wrongs don't make a right).
Would you have liked it if he started to read your texts or emails or diary or listened to your conversations, No, I didn't think so.

kittenkiller

texas star wrote:

Thanks everyone for the advise, when I say I broke it off I mean I have moved out and gone home. I do believe that its innocent, but if i hadnt of read his phone could something more have happened? He has been ringing and texting me but at the moment I think I need time on my own. Thanks for advise all

What was the content of the messages?
There'd be a big difference between "Well you sound nice." & "My girlfriend's crap in bed, I bet you're a goer, what's your favourite position?"

Gordon

Chucky the tree wrote:

hes probaly riding her now as i type. I am sure you made the right decision.

Not helpful chucky.

6th

You read his phone?!? Sounds like you haver trust issues.

Ok so he flirted, we all do it, i'm married and both me and my wife are flirts. Its healthy and causes no harm for most people but sounds like you are the one with the problem and you've probably pushed him to take it further with this stranger. he's more than likely trying to hold out but if you keep ignoring him he may do it dispite you - i'd say its already too late.

dudara

kittenkiller wrote:

What was the content of the messages?
There'd be a big difference between "Well you sound nice." & "My girlfriend's crap in bed, I bet you're a goer, what's your favourite position?"

Actually, I don't think that there's a huge difference between either. Both show a willingness to forget about you. The first one is just the first step on the slippery path to messages of the second type.

I must say that I found myself nodding at an earlier post which stated that if you believed a random girl texted him, then you'd believe anything. It all sounds too suspicious.

Chinafoot

I don't know, I think there's a difference between harmless flirting in a social situation and sending flirty messages to some girl you claim just randomly texted you out of the blue while you're in a 3 year relationship. It's a step too far IMO.

As for the OP reading his messages...while I don't condone such behaviour she obviously felt there was something to find. Perhaps he had been acting odd. Maybe there's a history of problems.

If you can believe him when he says that it was only messages and nothing else happened then you should try and work things out. There are clearly trust issues and you need to make him aware of how hurt it made you to see those messages.

keithclancy

Men are Men, They flirt all the time, its normal, they look at other women but they look at someone elses body, but thats just a physical appreciation for the opposite sex!

Unless he spends alot of time around her then nothing is happening, unless theres a problem with your own sex life ... in which case it could be a possibility.

To equate it down to a mans terms, its like .. he buys a new car .. but he still looks at other cars ! Won't drive them though, He loves his own car ..... and cant afford the insurance on a second one .. haha ... eh just joking.

I think you should talk to him and find out why he did that, after his explanation (which may not be the whole truth, i'd say deal with it in a more sarcastic manner than a crazy way etc (WHO IS SHE .. DONT LIE TO ME YOU B*STARD)

I'm not saying take it back or anything just see whats going on, you owe each other that much anyways and if your still not happy with it then drop it, move on and find a guy who doesn't flirt with other Women.

I hear the George is a good place to start.......... Although even some of those lads still flirt with the opposite sex.

Magic Pips

my opinion... not a random girl and he has already cheated on you.

Move on, find a nicer guy.

Good luck.

Zulu

Woah, wtf! Have I stepped into the twilight zone or something?
"one thing leads to another"
"prepared to flirt and carry on a texting relationship with a stranger who accidentally called him, what else would he do if given the opportunity"
The guy sent a flirty text; you dumped him. Frankly he's better off, and you need to seriously consider the path your on unless you want to end up bitter and lonely.

Minority Report stile justice anyone?

Chinafoot

keithclancy wrote:

Men are Men, They flirt all the time, its normal, they look at other women but they look at someone elses body, but thats just a physical appreciation for the opposite sex!

Unless he spends alot of time around her then nothing is happening, unless theres a problem with your own sex life ... in which case it could be a possibility.

Well apparently he's never even met this girl, so it can't be "physical appreciation".

Personally I think it's all a bit sad. If he gets a thrill out of texting some stranger then there may be some issues with the relationship that need serious attention.

Zulu wrote:

The guy sent a flirty text; you dumped him. Frankly he's better off, and you need to seriously consider the path your on unless you want to end up bitter and lonely.

Well thats a bit harsh. He didn't send "a" text. The OP said there were quite a few, nothing serious but flirty. I'd be hurt too if I found out my boyfriend was at that. I'd want to know what was lacking in our own relationship that he'd feel the need to engage in that kind of thing. Flirting I have no problem with. We both do it when we're out, but I think it's a bit different with text messages...particularly if it continues for a while.

I'm sure if you found out your girlfriend had been at it you'd be a little bit hurt too.

keithclancy

I talk to random people ... because i'm naturally chatty .. Nothing wrong with it.

Oh ... one other thing.... The guy may not even know he was flirting, his idea of flirting and your idea of flirting might be two different things.

I'm still not sure what flirting is ffs but apparently im doing it all the time

BoozyBabe

Yea, but seriously, you can be as chatty as you like, & while at the bar on a night out strike up a conversation with several randommers, but are you honestly saying that you can't see anything strange with starting up & continuing a text messaging session with a complete stranger who was prob a wrong number (if they actually ARE a stranger!!).

Let me ask you this:- if the stranger had have been a fella, do you think he'd have kept a conversation going? No, don't think so!!!

Though there's nothing actually wrong with what he did, & the texts were innocent, you can be sure he was wondering, what does she look like, is she hot, what's she wearing, nice arse / boobs etc, etc...
I.E. he was wondering if he'd sexually fancy her in real life & possibly fantasising about her. It's all understandably hurtful to his gf of 3 years, & unacceptable in my book.

I regularly get texts sent to me by accident, along the lines of "gonna be late" "missed the bus" etc, etc. I always reply to these to let the person know it wasn't received by the intended recipient.
If the person replied to thank me, that'd be fine, if they started texting with other sh!t, I'd just think you weirdo & ignore them, as I imagine most people would

NewFrockTuesday

Men are Men, They flirt all the time, its normal, they look at other women but they look at someone elses body, but thats just a physical appreciation for the opposite sex!

Thats a club weilding knuckle scraping statement if ever I heard one! Flirting eye to eye maybe....but not with text. Thats a bit sad.

Yea, but seriously, you can be as chatty as you like, & while at the bar on a night out strike up a conversation with several randommers, but are you honestly saying that you can't see anything strange with starting up & continuing a text messaging session with a complete stranger who was prob a wrong number (if they actually ARE a stranger!!).

(if they actually ARE a stranger!!)

Exactly my thoughts! Random girl....all a bit too convenient. Someone said earlier in the thread that he had already forgotten about you when he was texting her and I agree with this 100%.

Has he ever shown signs of cheating before?

keithclancy

Yes, but hes probably lying about not meeting her face to face before simply because of his G/F's reaction... which she proved completely.

what was she doing checking up on him in the first place.......

Anyways i couldn't deal with that whole paranoid control thing ... If its there in the first place then you have a problem ....

What i'm saying is she should talk to him and find out whats going on, she may not have all the facts and were not even sure how their confrontation went down, could have been a crazy fight with no logical answers at all.

Sppose its down to the communication factor as always

NewFrockTuesday

Yes, but hes probably lying about not meeting her face to face before simply because of his G/F's reaction... which she proved completely

.

Anyways i couldn't deal with that whole paranoid control thing

I dont think it would be paranoid control. This is such a blokey point of view. Almost...well if she didnt keep sticking her big nose in she wouldn't get hurt!

What i'm saying is she should talk to him and find out whats going on, she may not have all the facts and were not even sure how their confrontation went down, could have been a crazy fight with no logical answers at all.

Sppose its down to the communication factor as always

Agreed.

Magic Pips

oh and if my girlfriend read my messages she'd get the bullet. downright rude

Zulu

peachypants wrote:

Well thats a bit harsh. He didn't send "a" text. The OP said there were quite a few, nothing serious but flirty.

Not really; she ended a relationship on a suspision. Thats harsh.

I'd be hurt too if I found out my boyfriend was at that. I'd want to know what was lacking in our own relationship that he'd feel the need to engage in that kind of thing.

Agreed, but would you dump him? I find it hard to understand how you'd go out with someone for that long if you didn't trust them - which she evidently doesn't.

Flirting I have no problem with. We both do it when we're out, but I think it's a bit different with text messages...particularly if it continues for a while.

Whats a while? I mean we all make mistakes. It's human.

I'm sure if you found out your girlfriend had been at it you'd be a little bit hurt too.

...well I haven't met her yet, so she can text away for all I care ...but seriously I see your point, but it'd have to be a) a very serious text for me to end a relationship over or b) there'd have to be some other things there, (ie: the text would be the excuse/straw that broke the back)

Marksie

Chatting in a social environment and texting are two widely different things.

With texting you can consider what you are saying before you press the send button and therefore represents a more deliberate means of converse.

Also there seems to be other issues, trust being one of them, because To my mind, reading someone elses phone is just not on. I see no difference between that and opening letters in that it is a deliberate conscious act.

the accidental "meeting" sounds suspicious.
But dumping him on this? no, I think issues should have been explored first.
I belive that the subtext (no pun) indicates that there is something more happening here

cance

Magic Pips wrote:

my opinion... not a random girl and he has already cheated on you.

Move on, find a nicer guy.

Good luck.

what he said, chances are its not a "random" girl.

keithclancy

Dellgirl2 wrote:

.
I dont think it would be paranoid control. This is such a blokey point of view. Almost...well if she didnt keep sticking her big nose in she wouldn't get hurt!
.

Blokey point of View ? ....Eh no .. Women have told me the same thing, Paranoia and Jealousy, Manipulation and Control they don't like it. I've wouldn't go for it at all.

If someone was asking you who you were with, who you were talking to, querying what time you'll be home at....... Personally i couldn't deal with that at all

Tony255

Sleepy wrote:

For the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Please tell me this doesnt exist

But on a serious note texting random people is pretty sad and its also sad that after three years ye obviously dont have trust in the relationship, maybe both of ye are better off. If he's this stupid when it comes to texting then it would be really easy to get someone else to text him and see how far he is willing to go with the texting if you know what i mean. If my girlfriend did it i would be pissed off but maybe not as much as what you are.

If someone out of random text'd me there is no way i would bother entertaining the conversation, three points

1. It costs you money to talk to a complete stranger
2. Even if she says she is a 6ft swedish model she could be any type of freak.
3. I am happily engaged and wouldnt bother with this childish sort of thing.

Nevyn

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster

There simply has to be more to this story and the realationship to end it over a few text messages.

ravenhead

Thaedydal wrote:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster

There simply has to be more to this story and the realationship to end it over a few text messages.

Have to agree with this, Yes you over reacted by breaking up with him but in all fairness do you really believe that it's someone that he didn't know? It's very unlikely .. there's more to this than he's letting on.

Oryx

I agree with some others. I think he only said it was a random stranger because the OP caught him on the hop and he couldnt think of anything better to say. Sounds to me like theres a whole lot more going on than that, and if its just innocent fun he is going to have to seriously grovel. Just because its only text doesnt mean its not a betrayal of sorts. The OPs reaction is based on the relationship as a whole and not just what we know. Whether she gets back with him will depend on how hurt she is (overreaction or not) and whether she feels she can trust him again.

For the record I dont read my husbands tx messages, but if I had other reasons to suspect he was cheating, honestly? I probably would.

Stench Blossoms

I think you did the right thing by breaking it off. There was obviously trust issues there.

rsta

random girl? why would a 'random girl' just text him?

what a load of lies in my opinion. you were right to pack up your stuff and move out. good riddance to him.

i know it must be a shock to learn this after seeing him for 3 years but really you are best to just be rid of him.

let him off with himself.

he's only going to be ringing you in the hope that you will forgive him. im sure he didnt want to upset you but he did. and how could you trust him now after this? seems like you had your suspicians in the first place otherwise you wouldnt have looked through his phone.

good luck chick, best off with out him.

LegacyUser

first of all,, i'm sorry for you to have to deal with this. if i found out my boyfriend was doing this i would question our relationship too. i dont know if i would break up with him or not but thats because i haven't been in the situation. you obviously were deeply hurt by this so i dont think u were overreacting. maybe you should try talking to him and give him the chance to tell you everything and you can make your decision on this then.
to all the people saying 'this is something guys do', and 'looking at other women is harmless', you're wrong. its only harmless if your partner is ok with it. dont think you can justify your actions by saying all men do it. that is not an excuse. you are responsible for your own actions.
good luck with everything op and i hope it all works out. 3yrs is a long time.

Oral Slang

I'd believe that it could be someone he's never met. Wouldn't have before now, but a friend of mine told me the other day that a fella text her around 2 weeks ago. It was a wrong number but since then they've been texting each other all the time. She's just broken up with her b/f & he's not getting on with his g/f. They've both agreed if his relationship doesn't work out, they're gonna meet up & take it from there.
I think its a bit mad & definitely not something I'd do! Hope it's not the OP's boyfriend - that'd be too weird!
I'd have to say after hearing that story I'd definitely be worried if I was her - my friend and this guy have been sending pics of each other and flirting to bits from what I can gather..

WhiteWashMan

kittenkiller wrote:

I think you're over-reacting & I'm a jealous, obsessive, posessive freak!
If he's only been texting in a flirty manner then you've nothing to worry about (in relation to him anyway).

It'd be the same as you smiling at some randomer or sharing a raunchy joke & wink with a male friend!

Try to relax about it until you've found some sort of proof that he's taken it further.

no. no its not. its not even in the same league.

interactions between strangers and friends are two completely different scenarios. dont mix the two.

and if its only about the pysical side of things, then i can i be your boyfriend, becuase that will allow me to txt sex, cyber, get lap dances and all manner of things, as long as there is no touching. you must be the worlds best girl friend to allow your fella to do all of those things. with a complete stranger.

by the way, why does your fella do these things?

scrattletrap

This morning I recieved this text from a friend of mine:

I miss you, (do you) miss me, we're missing each others families (NOT) with a greatbig cyber hug and a kiss (hmm) from me to you, won't you say you love me too.

Now if my H was in a mood with me and read that, what would he read into it, when it is only banter on our part..... I guess I better erase it just in case, lol.

Reading other peoples texts is an absolute no no in my books.

texas star

Hi everyone thanks for all the input. I know everyone is right in some way or other and maybe there is a trust issue. While I was moving my stuff out he left me his phone bill out to show he was only texting this girl for the last couple of days I was too annoyed to read it. My head is wreaked. Thanks again for all the help.:(

AngryBadger

Gotta be brutallky honest here, but what kind of relationship were you hoping to foster by reading his text messages? And while people are jumping on the "Oh he was definitely cheating the w@nker" bandwagon, there may have been nothing to it, and to say he was "flirting" could mean anything, are we talking complimenting what someone wore out, or some offhand remark here? 'cause if we are I'd say you completely overreacted.

But tbh I'd be more interested in my first point, why would you be sneaking around reading your bf's texts behind his back? That kinda thing would drive me to cheat on someone.

Ickle Magoo

My husband & I use & read each others phones all the time...if you have nothing to hide from each other then the "you must NEVER look at my texts" thing just doesn't apply....

AngryBadger

Ickle Magoo wrote:

My husband & I use & read each others phones all the time...if you have nothing to hide from each other then the "you must NEVER look at my texts" thing just doesn't apply....

That's a fair enough point, but equally so one could argue that (as in this case), someone snooping through someone else's phone is saying "I don't trust you regardless of any past loyalty or infidelity"

Tar.Aldarion

One of the biggest over reactions I have ever seen OP.
I think you may have some big trust issues going on...

When I'm going out with somebody I talk to people on the phone and net like that, and with people that are in relationships too. I'd have ended quite a few relationships and all of mine if people reacted like you.
It's rare that I would read a thread and think smebody is totally in teh wrong but in this case, I do.

Doomspell

AngryBadger wrote:

Gotta be brutallky honest here, but what kind of relationship were you hoping to foster by reading his text messages? And while people are jumping on the "Oh he was definitely cheating the w@nker" bandwagon, there may have been nothing to it, and to say he was "flirting" could mean anything, are we talking complimenting what someone wore out, or some offhand remark here? 'cause if we are I'd say you completely overreacted.

But tbh I'd be more interested in my first point, why would you be sneaking around reading your bf's texts behind his back? That kinda thing would drive me to cheat on someone.

You took the words right outta my mouth! Because how is he suppose to trust you if you don't trust him? While I feel mean saying this, It's the truth Sorry it didn't work out though

Ickle Magoo

AngryBadger wrote:

That's a fair enough point, but equally so one could argue that (as in this case), someone snooping through someone else's phone is saying "I don't trust you regardless of any past loyalty or infidelity"

That's true...we only use & read each others phones with mutual permission....there is no snooping going on....I still prefer an open & honest relationship that involves no snooping & no hiding of messages tho....:D

metrovelvet

Unless hes an idiot, if he were cheating he would change the name in his mobile phone book to that of a man's name so you'd have no idea.

But saying that, since you know he's texting back and forth, do you know how they got each other's numbers?

AngryBadger

Ickle Magoo wrote:

That's true...we only use & read each others phones with mutual permission....there is no snooping going on....I still prefer an open & honest relationship that involves no snooping & no hiding of messages tho....:D

In principal I'd compeltely agree with you Magoo,and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where aything else was the case.

That said I'm a committed Tomcat, so you really shouldn#t trust me as far as you could throw me :cool:

Sleepy

Sleepy wrote:

Jesus H Christ, you've ended a 3 year relationship because the guy flirted with someone else? For the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, don't take him back. He doesn't realise it now but he's better off without such a drama queen.

I agree. Wholeheartedly.
OP has some serious issues.

Nehpets

surely reading eachother's message wouldn't be a problem after 3 years. it's not a big deal. Noone has (or should) serious convo's when texting. not normally and even if it was serious your other half would know. tbh, if you have a problem with your bf/gf or even friends reading your messages then you must have some insecurity insues.

about this, your bf might have been bored off his arse at work or at home when you were out and decided to reply to a random message.

You REALLY shouldn't let people on the internet tell you what to do with YOUR relationship. If it has lasted 3 years you must love this person. You shouldn't throw that away on advise of other people (who aren't getting the full story).

Talk to him, find out whats up and then do what you want.