Quick & Witty Comebacks / Putdowns

RiderOnTheStorm

I have been driving for years, and since early days I have always believed it important to have a stock of witty phrases to use when you find yourself at the mercy of some useless driver. When time is limited you dont want to waste it thinking of something that will get your point across, make the other driver think of what there are doing, and make it stick in his/her mind so that they do not do it again.

Here are some that I have, and use from time to time (some 'borrowed' from other drivers....or from TV):

"What shade of green are you waiting for?"
(when traffic lights go green and traffic does not move off)

"Pick a lane, any lane"

"Did you buy your licence, or get it in the amnesty?"

"Did you learn to drive on the buses?"
(an oldie but a goldie)

"You shouldn't drive if you are blind"

"I didnt know indicators were optional on that model"

"Save it for your ma / girlfriend / sister / etc"
(used when somone is sounding the horn when its clear that sounding the horn will not help situation)


feel free to use any/all....
please please add to this list.....it could use more!

PS: A good 'putdown' is to wag finger at offender.... its not verbal so its not on list above....but it is quick & easy to do, instantly understandable by any nationality, and not as vulgar as some hand/finger guestures.... also its gets a great response!

Wing Walker

Are ye waitin' for an invitation?
(lights go green, no movement/ way is clear to make a turn but driver doesn't budge)

dahamsta

Int he vein of a couple above: "They don't get any greener."

Also, in the vein of the finger wag, my old man swears by sticking his tongue out at people. It's juvenile, but if you really want to piss someone off it beats the finger any day, and I'd imagine the finger wag too. Watch their faces go red and steam come out of their ears.

adam

Supercell

RiderOnTheStorm wrote:

"Save it for your ma / girlfriend / sister / etc"
(used when somone is sounding the horn when its clear that sounding the horn will not help situation)

Excellant!!!, often see drivers beeping the feck out some poor eejit thats miss timed the lights and is now blocking traffic, just what good do they think beeping is doing???!!!

peasant

a guy I know had endless trouble with people parking in such a daft way that he couldn't get in or out his driveway.

He had specially sticky stickers made (the ones that hardly come off, and if so, only in tiny little pieces) saying:

WELCOME TO EARTH !!

(because whoever parks like this must be from Mars)

After a few weeks all his neighbours and their friends and visitors still had the remains of those stickers on their cars ...and he had a permanenty clear driveway:D

gyppo

A friend of mine was cut up in traffic by another driver who did'nt give any signal.

She happened to be stopped beside him at the next set of lights - he was turning right, she left.

She tapped on the passenger window of his car, and he let down the window.

"theres something wrong with your car" sez she.

"oh, what" says he, with a big worried face on him.

"your indicators are'nt working", at which point the lights change, and she wafts off, leaving your man with his mouth hanging open.:D

cargrouch

Things I've only said in my head or shouted inside a car with closed windows, because shouting at old people is low even for me.

"Bingo is cancelled, go home"
"Move faster, FASTER! You haven't got long to live"

galwaytt

or, if you're ever a passenger in a car with the SO driving, and she's (:p ) rattling along at the limit - or more - but still in 4th, I always throw in....
"think how much cheaper we could have got this car......"
"eh?" she says..
"...if they knew you weren't going to use 5th, they could have left it out and saved us all a fortune !!"

Anan1

Longfield wrote:

Excellant!!!, often see drivers beeping the feck out some poor eejit thats miss timed the lights and is now blocking traffic, just what good do they think beeping is doing???!!!

It's making it less likely that they'll do it again.

Velocitee

One of my personal faves (which I came up with myself)

Wash your L plate .... You'll have it a while!

AMurphy

"What shade of green are you waiting for?"
(when traffic lights go green and traffic does not move off)

Thought that one was my invention.:D

However, "It's not red yet, just pink."

Your tyre is flat?. "Top or bottom"?


No they did not mean THAT by "Tear along dotted line".

"Com awn, it's not the QEII you're parking".

"If you can get that body into that outfit/car, why can you not get that car into that parking spot"

RiderOnTheStorm

peasant wrote:

WELCOME TO EARTH !!

yup, i like this!

AMurphy wrote:

"Com awn, it's not the QEII you're parking".

reminds me of the car parking scene in Snatch! ('cept they said airplane, but same thing!)

cargrouch wrote:

"Bingo is cancelled, go home"

another gem!

Some great ones there, guys (and gals!).....but im too lazy to quote them all.... Keep it up!

Robbo

AMurphy wrote:

"If you can get that body into that outfit/car, why can you not get that car into that parking spot"

That's a keeper. I'm stealing that one.

MercMad

I for one am totally against sounding the horn unless alerting someone to danger !

It shouldn't be used when someone annoys you !

Once I faltered for approximatley 0.5 seconds at a set of lights and the guy behind stood on the horn, so I rolled back the seat and lay there 'till he arrived at the window which was open 1/2".

He stared inside in disbelief and I said " you obviously thought I was asleep and since YOU are always right about everything, I didn't want to disapoint you "

A similar situation happened to a friend of mine, and he got out of the car and opened the rear door and shouted at the guy "Do you want to get in ? Well DO you ?? "

.........or finally as my father did years ago...............same as above but turning out of a one way street, the guy blew his horn so my father got out of the car, locked it and walked off !

To be honest nowdays I avoid any kind of confrontation, you never know what lunatics are out there. If some one beeps or carves me up or leans on me I just let the off ! There are more important things in life without getting killed just to make a point ! Same as traffic gridlock, its bad enough having to nendure it but getting all stressed about it doesn't do anyone any good at all !

dahamsta

Heh, that reminds me of the day I had a guy come down a hill on a street on which only one car could pass. I had the right of way, but he just sat there and gestured at me. So I turned the engine off and whipped out my newspaper (which served the dual purpose of putting him out of my field of vision). He moved.

adam

prospect

If someone has been driving up your ass, and you are stopped at the next set of lights:

Hop out of the car, open the boot, and gesture to them if they would like to get into it...

(never had the neck to do this, but someday, I'll be pushed that little bit too far)

dahamsta

I just pop the brakes with **** like that. If they bump me that's their loss.

adam

LikeOhMyGawd!

<Nodding towards the pistol lying on the passenger seat>
"I've got a f**king gun and will put a f**king hole in your face if you don't f**k off"

shnaek

RiderOnTheStorm wrote:

reminds me of the car parking scene in Snatch! ('cept they said airplane, but same thing!)

in the same vain:

Come on - it's not a tank you're turning

Nice one for those slow motion left/right turn takers.

Wishbone Ash

This is sounding more like road rage than witty putdowns :eek:

Archeron

"Dont worry about indicating there love, I can tell by looking at you that you're obviously headed to McDonalds"

Tipsy Mac

Did you get your license in a pack of Sugar Puffs.

MercMad

I just pop the brakes with **** like that. If they bump me that's their loss.

The problem with that is the knock on effect to all the idiots driving similarly behind eachother ! Whilst it wont be your fault the fact vis it could cause a crash and I think we all need to avoid that scenario ! Better to take your foot off the gas and coat to a stop IMO !

I agree though we are bordering on road rage here !

LostinBlanch

I'm with Mercmad on this. You don't know what might happen with all these. They might help you let off steam but they could also land you in all kinds of trouble. All it takes is for one nutter to take it the wrong way and there could be tragic consequensces.

But in the spirit of the thread . . . . .

Drive it or sell it

NeMiSiS

Don't 'tap the breaks' ever. If they do slam into you, who knows what kind of idiot is behind them possibly tailgating aswell. Pefect example I saw the other day was a a woman with a child hanging round her neck like a monkey and jumping all over the front seat of the car, no seatbelt no nothing.

TK

damo605

Best job if someone is loosing the head at you from another car is to do the following: Give them a big smile AND the finger
Just make sure you've got a clear road ahead to get out of there as chances are it'll drive them over the edge altogher

el tel

I personally prefer heaving a stoic sigh, maybe even the faintest of head shakes, and then just continuing on my way.

I would NEVER EVER consider pushing my face towards the window and aggressively mouthing the world "W*NKER" :rolleyes:

Matt Simis

cargrouch wrote:

Things I've only said in my head or shouted inside a car with closed windows, because shouting at old people is low even for me.

"Bingo is cancelled, go home"
"Move faster, FASTER! You haven't got long to live"

Another for the old folks, stolen from The Simpsons:

"Try the Accelerator Grand'Ma, its right there.. beside the brake."


Matt

dahamsta

People crammed up my hole rarely have someone behind them. If they did have someone behind them, I'm intelligent enough to be able to figure that out, so I'm afraid I'll have to discard the i'm-cleverer-than-you nanny advice and keep popping the brakes when some tit does tries to insert himself bodily in my rectum. Like I said, if he actually does fly up my ass, that's his lookout. And his in-sewer-ants. And his wages for a few years. It's my way of saying "thank you".

"Oh, my neck."

Do yourself a favour boys and girls, don't assume everyone on Boards is less intelligent than you. I know it's a reasonable assumption to make a lot of the time, but it doesn't always apply. And please, take the flat cap off when you're driving. And get a newer car while you're at it, that old Morris is falling to bits. And stay in on Sundays. Fuddy duddy tossers.

adam

Fozzie Bear

NeMiSiS wrote:

Don't 'tap the breaks' ever. If they do slam into you, who knows what kind of idiot is behind them possibly tailgating aswell. Pefect example I saw the other day was a a woman with a child hanging round her neck like a monkey and jumping all over the front seat of the car, no seatbelt no nothing.

TK

I did the Hibernian "ignition" course a few years ago and they told us that you should gently tap the brakes so that your brake lights come on (but you don't slow or suddenly stop) and they usually back off. It works normally for me.....

armchairninja

Instead of tapping the breaks, I prefer to just flick my parking lights on and off really quickly, if there that close behind you and see red lights infront they always back off:D
Unfortunatly only works during the day.

And in the spirit of the threat

car moving slowly infront of you
"Get a Pen and Paper and work it out!!"

And for those cars not using the indicators
"Ah yes, that must be the new mind reader model you're driving"

Hotblack Desiato

NeMiSiS wrote:

Pefect example I saw the other day was a a woman with a child hanging round her neck like a monkey and jumping all over the front seat of the car, no seatbelt no nothing.

Well then she should obey the law and put her child in a child seat. People that stupid shouldn't be breeding, or driving, anyway...

AMurphy

prospect wrote:

If someone has been driving up your ass, and you are stopped at the next set of lights:

Hop out of the car, open the boot, and gesture to them if they would like to get into it...

I know a lady here got more than irritated when the car behind started hooting, cause she did not take off on a green light. So she got out, walked back to your man, threw the keys at him and said, "OK, you drive over her".

He had failed to notice a little old doddery lady crossing the street was standing in front of her car at the time.

another guy I know, hooted at some pair of teenage girs driving a car, I don't know what they were doing wrong, if anything. In any event, their response, a pair of middle fingers. So he hooted again, same response from the ladies. So he did it again, same response.
So he started amusing himself.
Hoot, fingers, hoot, fingers on down the street.

When someone makes a stupid manouver, such as coming up on your outside,while you are waiting at the head of a turning lane, and then cutting in in front of you from the straight ahead lane.

"Do you have a name for that manouver?"

ds20prefecture

One day a young wan from de 'brack, complete with puffa jacket and Finglas facelift shouted at me as I reversed from a parking space - "Heyah, mistah - yer car is a bangah! Hehhehehehe!" I ignored her, but she repeated it louder. So I replied, Churchill-esque:
"I can change my car - what will you do about your face?"

Her mates all cracked up and the gobsmacked expression on her face was priceless. So unusual to have a rejoinder to hand but she gave me two chances, in fairness.

Victor

At a staggered junction, I adjusted my road postion (I was cycling) to be just on the double yellow lines of the road I was entering. I got honked at by the car behind me for "swerving in front of him". I caught up with him at traffic lights a minute alter, stuck my head in his window and said "BEEP!".

Attitude adjusted.

Diamondmaker

If a car ever dangerously pull out in front of me at a cross roads and ends up in a break slamming situation and we are both stopped in the middle of the junction, they in the yield end plannning on passing straight through I stare at them and make them jump through hoops to get where they are going. Just sit there and let them try loop around the fron t of me and making them all self conscious:D
or pulling away slow enough that a lot of the cars behind keep the chain going and they are left blocking the oncoming!;)

Steffano2002

All these stories remind me of a time I was leaving my sister's flat when she lived on Mountjoy Square. Was driving away but wasn't going very fast as both my sister and nephew were waving at me at the window so I was waving back with my arm through the sun roof. All of a sudden that knacker-mobile (= Nissan Micra for those of you outside Dublin/Ireland) rode up my ass and beeped at me! :eek:

My waving hand quickly lost four fingers and I actually slowed down even more to annoy the bollix. He then proceeded to pass me out with his knacker-mobile... Now he drove a Micra, nippy little car and all, but I had a 405 Mi16 with slightly more horse power ("and looks" you might add!). So I stepped on the throttle and just left him there, in the wrong lane, like the piece of sh!t that he was. W@nker...

My sister rang me a couple of minutes later to congratulate me on my great moves! Was chuffed with myself I was!

Diamondmaker

Steffanos story reminds me of my fave Motorway past time when its late.

I always cruise in the outside lane ........
( I know its wrong but I am generally the fastest driver at the time cos the rest are (a)pissed or (b) taxi drivers milking a long fare )

If a car is going faster than me I always pull in to let them pass then carry on my merry way........unless its a Knacker mobile.

They pull up to my bumper ( not in the sense of that classic tune;) ) and flash and beep. I therfore start to slow down to annoy the hell out of them.
The second they slip into the inside lane I wait for them to get level and tap the accelarator. Now my car has far more power than any of these sh*ts.
I just stay parallell to tease give em a wink and then tear off. I slow down again further up the road and said procedure continues.....One time in cork I knew there was a speed check ahead as I saw it on my way out of the town.
So I was playing my game on the main dualler on the way in until just before the check. I allowed them "cut loose" in rage to only get stopped by the coppers I knew were there. I slowed right down as I passed them on the side of the road and gave em a wink...they seemed to be smoking it up ibehind the tinted windows too.
Classic:D

Steffano2002

Good man yourself Diamondmaker! That's the only way we're going to win!

Hotblack Desiato

Diamondmaker wrote:

If a car is going faster than me I always pull in to let them pass then carry on my merry way........unless its a Knacker mobile.

Who are you to decide who is allowed to pass you?
Driving in the right hand lane of the motorway when not overtaking is breaking the law, hopefully a whole bunch of penalty points is coming your way soon.
You might think your little game is a bit of fun but it's other people's lives you're playing with. How would you feel if your actions pushed another driver 'over the edge' and a fatal crash resulted?

Now my car has far more power than any of these sh*ts.

How arrogant can you get...

prospect

Diamondmaker wrote:

Steffanos story reminds me of my fave Motorway past time when its late.

I always cruise in the outside lane ........
( I know its wrong but I am generally the fastest driver at the time cos the rest are (a)pissed or (b) taxi drivers milking a long fare )

If a car is going faster than me I always pull in to let them pass then carry on my merry way........unless its a Knacker mobile.

They pull up to my bumper ( not in the sense of that classic tune;) ) and flash and beep. I therfore start to slow down to annoy the hell out of them.
The second they slip into the inside lane I wait for them to get level and tap the accelarator. Now my car has far more power than any of these sh*ts.
I just stay parallell to tease give em a wink and then tear off. I slow down again further up the road and said procedure continues.....One time in cork I knew there was a speed check ahead as I saw it on my way out of the town.
So I was playing my game on the main dualler on the way in until just before the check. I allowed them "cut loose" in rage to only get stopped by the coppers I knew were there. I slowed right down as I passed them on the side of the road and gave em a wink...they seemed to be smoking it up ibehind the tinted windows too.
Classic:D

You sound so arrogant, and you willingly and knowingly break the law.
You are no better than the "Knacker mobile" mobiles you speak of.

Someday you'll get done, either by the Gardaí or someone who gets pushed too far, and I for one would applaude that person/Garda.

CPG

No thats not impressing me either....

delly

Diamondmaker wrote:

Steffanos story reminds me of my fave Motorway past time when its late.

I always cruise in the outside lane ........
( I know its wrong but I am generally the fastest driver at the time cos the rest are (a)pissed or (b) taxi drivers milking a long fare )

If a car is going faster than me I always pull in to let them pass then carry on my merry way........unless its a Knacker mobile.

They pull up to my bumper ( not in the sense of that classic tune;) ) and flash and beep. I therfore start to slow down to annoy the hell out of them.
The second they slip into the inside lane I wait for them to get level and tap the accelarator. Now my car has far more power than any of these sh*ts.
I just stay parallell to tease give em a wink and then tear off. I slow down again further up the road and said procedure continues.....One time in cork I knew there was a speed check ahead as I saw it on my way out of the town.
So I was playing my game on the main dualler on the way in until just before the check. I allowed them "cut loose" in rage to only get stopped by the coppers I knew were there. I slowed right down as I passed them on the side of the road and gave em a wink...they seemed to be smoking it up ibehind the tinted windows too.
Classic:D

Man, I stick to the left lane whenever possible, even if i'm back in for 30 seconds and back out again to make an overtaking move, and no, I'm not a slow driver. I'm rarely overtaken myself, but I don't care if its a Micra or an M5 coming up the rear (:o), i'll always give way if its faster.

Anan1

Steffano2002 wrote:

All these stories remind me of a time I was leaving my sister's flat when she lived on Mountjoy Square. Was driving away but wasn't going very fast as both my sister and nephew were waving at me at the window so I was waving back with my arm through the sun roof. All of a sudden that knacker-mobile (= Nissan Micra for those of you outside Dublin/Ireland) rode up my ass and beeped at me! :eek:

My waving hand quickly lost four fingers and I actually slowed down even more to annoy the bollix. He then proceeded to pass me out with his knacker-mobile... Now he drove a Micra, nippy little car and all, but I had a 405 Mi16 with slightly more horse power ("and looks" you might add!). So I stepped on the throttle and just left him there, in the wrong lane, like the piece of sh!t that he was. W@nker...

My sister rang me a couple of minutes later to congratulate me on my great moves! Was chuffed with myself I was!

You may be chuffed now, but you'll be embarrassed when you grow up.

Torak

Ken Shabby wrote:

I just pop the brakes with **** like that. If they bump me that's their loss.

adam

Its never worth it.. regardless of who is right or wrong there could be kids or passengers in the car.... its not their fault the driver is an ass. tbh.

just to be clear.. i always feel like doing it....

ianobrien

The best one that I heard was after a silly move by me, a female driver shouts "Is the fast car to compinsate for the small d*ck!"

It worked on me and I drove away an embarresed boy!

prospect

ianobrien wrote:

The best one that I heard was after a silly move by me, a female driver shouts "Is the fast car to compinsate for the small d*ck!"

It worked on me and I drove away an embarresed boy!

too which my reply would be:

"is the tiny engine to compinsate for your huge ar$e?"

alias no.9

Fozzie Bear wrote:

I did the Hibernian "ignition" course a few years ago and they told us that you should gently tap the brakes so that your brake lights come on (but you don't slow or suddenly stop) and they usually back off. It works normally for me.....

It's much more fun to use your windscreen washer, the some of the water will runoff, over the roof and land on their windscreen. When you do it a few times, repeating after they've cleared their windscreen, so that they know it's deliberate, they'll get the picture and the laugh you'll get seeing the look on thier face after you do it the third time will relax you and get rid of any feelings of rage.

Anan1

alias no.9 wrote:

It's much more fun to use your windscreen washer, the some of the water will runoff, over the roof and land on their windscreen. When you do it a few times, repeating after they've cleared their windscreen, so that they know it's deliberate, they'll get the picture and the laugh you'll get seeing the look on thier face after you do it the third time will relax you and get rid of any feelings of rage.

Entertaining as this sounds, it's also a pretty good way to distract you from the road ahead. I find a quick flash of the hazards almost always works.

vorbis

best one I remember, I was giving 5 friends a lift home from work one Friday evening. This in a Starlet! I pulled up to a roundabout and who should pull up alongside me but my landlord all alone in his shiny X5. He looks at me and makes a quip about being overcrowded. As he pulls off, a friend just says "Small dick". One of the best "had to be there" moments I can remember.

ninty9er

"obviously they don't have roundabouts where you come from"

"just because the plate says 06 doesn't mean you can't go faster than 6 kph"

Or here's one i would have used on myself at the weekend

"****in idiot. does he not know what a mirror is"
(sticky incident on the M7 involving me in my corsa an e-calss and the blind spot in the driver's wing mirror - needless to say it didn't happen again)