I think we need to talk...

LegacyUser

It's not you, It's me....

There are probably a million ways to break up with a girl, but unfortunatly, I'm really dreading this and I don't know how to do it.

(Regular poster btw, but I always like to go unreg for this stuff....)

I'll tell you a bit of the story...and I do feel guilty...

Ok so I'm 23 she's 19....She is a really good looking girl but she has absolutly NO personality...I'm not saying she's not a lovely, sweet girl, she is, but she's from France, has very good conversational english, but just no sense of humour really, no craic at all...

We have been together for about 2 months and last week we decided to go away for a weekend...BAD IDEA! We never really talk much, mostly go to the cinema etc. when in Dublin or watch a DVD if we're in eachothers places...she likes movies I thought...that's ok, but I never copped this was a substitute for conversation...

Most of the time I was bored off my ass...the rest of the time I was highly frustrated as we could not maintain a interesting conversation, she either dosen't get, or dosen't understand half of my jokes...but instead of just grinning and letting it pass, she likes me to spend the next 10 minutes explaining the joke in simplified english..........

.....................





.................................................................



I mean i'm no Peter Kay but all my friends find me funny!

So anyway, here's where the dilema of breaking up comes in....

1st. She's doing exams at the moment. No problem, I'll wait untill she finishes to break up. Dilema: Endless texts to meet up.

2nd. I was her first ever boyfriend, I think I've become "The first love" (We've all had one, I know I have) which is actually an infatuation, and can happen in early stages of relationships...few months etc...i think it's happend to her, how do I recognise this? It happend to me when I was about 16 in a 4 month long relationship...

Not to sound like a total twat, but I honestly think she will be heartbroken (and I'm just saying this because she dotes (sp?) over me and asks questions like "Have you ever been in love?")

3rd. I took her virginity. About a month ago. If I break up with her now, how bad would that be?!!

Sorry, this has just turned into a rant, but once you open pandoras box and get me started......

Ok, so question: How do I say it to her, and what's a good reason that wont hurt/upset her, or atleast as little as possibe.

And where do I do it? I was thinking of a public place...you know, don't make a scene and all that...

Also, I would like a line and location that allows me have a pretty sharpish getaway....A friend suggested moments before a sky dive, but I don't think this is really appropriate.

My idea. Meet IN a cafe (be late so she's sitting there) grab a coffee...buy her a donut or something, and get straight to the point: [INSERT EXCUSE HERE] then say "I think it's best that we don't see eachother again, but best of luck in the future" get up, peck on the cheek, walk out...faster, faster, run...I'm free.

Help.

Darragh29

Sorry wrote:

It's not you, It's me....
My idea. Meet IN a cafe (be late so she's sitting there) grab a coffee...buy her a donut or something, and get straight to the point: [INSERT EXCUSE HERE] then say "I think it's best that we don't see eachother again, but best of luck in the future" get up, peck on the cheek, walk out...faster, faster, run...I'm free.

Help.

I did this before in a pub and walked to the door and then BOLTED as fast as I could as she was capable of being a bit of a physco and I copped this very early in the game. I turned around to look behind me, thinking I was free but she had come after me (she looked so funny sprinting in high heels!), and was making serious ground on me! All I wanted to do was link up with my mates who were out in another pub, so I flagged down a taxi and jumped in, I think the taximan thought I had just robbed a bank or something cos I was saying to him, "can you take an immediate left, then immediate right and shake off any taxi that might be following you!!!" I had to suffer a few texts like, "you're an absolute bast**d" and the like, but by the time I got them I was in the pub with my mates with a Heino in front of me and we were all falling off stools laughing about it! Do it by text mate, it's safer! :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool:

padser

Just like ripping off a band aid mate.....quick, painful, but instant feeling of gratification!

elvis2002

Dont think she deservers the quick option tbh. Shows no courage whatsoever. Its as much as your fault as is hers. If you can take it for another few months Im sure her english would improve. My gf is chinese, when we first started going out I had to explain every little slang thing. Now she knows everything I know. But you seem to have little patience so maybe its better for her not to be with someone like you.

LegacyUser

Do not break up with her in a cafe, it will more than likely be full of people which could be rather humiliating for her. I'd hate to be dumped in front of loads of people drinking lattes.

Go for a walk together in a park or something. Open space where you have the privacy to talk is best.

uncle ernie

Sorry wrote:

My idea. Meet IN a cafe (be late so she's sitting there) grab a coffee...buy her a donut or something, and get straight to the point: [INSERT EXCUSE HERE] then say "I think it's best that we don't see eachother again, but best of luck in the future" get up, peck on the cheek, walk out...faster, faster, run...I'm free.

get something cold, not coffee...in case it ends up in ur face

cornbb

If you gotta break up, you gotta break up. But at least be a man about it and don't go down the texting or running off like a little girl routine.

Gary ITR

Do it in a private place. At least that'll give her a chance to get pissed off and loose it with you which will make her feel better which at the end of the day is what you want isn't it?

DublinWriter

Sorry wrote:

Ok, so question: How do I say it to her, and what's a good reason that wont hurt/upset her, or atleast as little as possibe.

And where do I do it? I was thinking of a public place...you know, don't make a scene and all that...

Au Revoir, and in private, and walk, walk, walk, run!

Never break up in a public place.

Keep it simple and to the point.

LegacyUser

Ok, I know I was messing a bit in my first post, so I'll be serious.

I think she's vunrable, nieve and having learnt this I'm begining to feel guilty just by going out with her (I didn't know/learn/form this opinion untill recently in the relationship).

Since there's no spark or real personality I feel my side of the deal is sex and her side is security....but I don't want her to put that level of faith or trust or hope in me because ultimatly I think she will end up getting hurt (I think she's taking the relationship a lot more seriously than I am)

She's in a foregin country, has only a handfull of friends here and I don't want to destroy her experience or stop her development in studies and just having fun (which we don't really have together, I'm more of a "wild or party" personality and she is more of a "sit in, go to bed at 11pm on a saturday night" personality.

Bottom line I genuinely don't want to upset her, I want this to be as pain free for her as possible. And I absolutly will be a man about it, I'm DEFENATLY not going to text her and I will tell her in person and I was joking about running away, I just think it's a bad idea to "talk" about it, as my decision has been made, and I don't want to emphasise it more in a conversation after a break up.

So seriously, how should I approach this? What can I say? And should this be somewhere in public where we both will feel we want to part ways and removed from the situation as soon as I say my piece, or in private where she may get very upset, make me feel guilty and go back on it, or freak at me or something (I think it's very unlikely she would get mad or violent if in public or private though.)

p.s. I know I sound like an obnoxious git, but she has come close to telling me she loves me several times and even my friends have noticed how much she hangs off me, so this isn't about ideas of grandure or anything like that.

LegacyUser

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2054923371

That might help you

Grem

Dont be a di(khead and do it face to face.

If you think she's going to be heartbroken then having you meet her, break up with her and run out of the cafe bouncing with glee is going to crush her.

Your 23 not 16 so act your age and treat the girl with the respect she deserves.

Kintarō Hattori

elvis2002 wrote:

Dont think she deservers the quick option tbh. Shows no courage whatsoever. Its as much as your fault as is hers. If you can take it for another few months Im sure her english would improve. My gf is chinese, when we first started going out I had to explain every little slang thing. Now she knows everything I know. But you seem to have little patience so maybe its better for her not to be with someone like you.

Have to agree with Elvis. My GF is Polish and in the beginning it was tough, but her english has come on so much it's unbelievable and I can't imagine being without her. It was tough for both of us at first, but a challenge and well worth it.

Wing Walker

Just to pick up on the points of another couple of guys here. Your girlfriend is French. I know some people will say funny is funny but there is a difference, culturally speaking. The French, I've found anyway, don't generally get the Irish sense of humour if they haven't been around it too long. It's something that you have to work around. Like the other guys have said, they have had to work around the differences and now they enjoy their "bi-ethnical" relationships.

But, you just want out of the relationship! 23 is relatively young and you do still need to experience some more life before you settle down. If you're breaking up with her, do it somewhere public and yet private. Stephen's Green maybe?

Don't be a complete ****ehawk and do it by text or arrange to meet in a cafe, turn up late and then say "thanks for the memories and your cherry"!!! Step up to the plate, take a deep breath and be a man about it.

Best of luck with it.

Sleipnir

It's not me, it's you!

She's French, which means she'll hurt you physically.

Donegal Lass

face to face is best way!

I was in the same position as you a few years ago. im not going to lie to you, there will probabaly be tears and raised voices, but in the end up it is the best way. There is no point watsoever in keeping her hanging on.

BE CLEAR. dont leave her thinking there might be a chance (iv learned from this) because you will be plagued by texts and calls asking to meet up to "sort things out". make sure by the time you have left her that she knows its over. It may sound harsh and hard to do but, if I was her, Id rather it that way too. At least then you can both concentrate on meeting someone new!:)

takola

Oh come off it!!! Just call over to her place when her exams finish, Tell her you've decided you want to be a priest.. (or some such excuse) :rolleyes: and you can't see her anymore. Simple.

Don't go in! Say it at the door and then walk away.. Dragging it out isn't going to help. Nor is staying there.

Wing Walker

Sleipnir wrote:

It's not me, it's you!

I love this. Has anyone ever used it?

Donegal Lass

takola wrote:

Oh come off it!!! Just call over to her place when her exams finish, Tell her you've decided you want to be a priest.. (or some such excuse) :rolleyes: and you can't see her anymore. Simple.

Don't go in! Say it at the door and then walk away.. Dragging it out isn't going to help. Nor is staying there.

maybe you should have been a priest- its obvious you must b good with the ladies!!??:rolleyes:

fuzzywiggle

Do not do it in a public place! If she's going to be heartbroken like you say then she's going to be very upset. Give her some privacy for that at least. She deserves an explanation not a quick get away. Have you not got any respect for this girl at all? Oh wait, you must, you did take her virginity after all :rolleyes: Anyway, I understand you don't want to hurt this girls feelings but that's inevitable so after her exams just say you're not ready for the relationship and that you think it's best if you both move on..or something to that effect. It's not going to be easy so do it in the nicest way that you can!

Black Swan

Sorry wrote:

She's doing exams at the moment. No problem, I'll wait untill she finishes to break up.

Good idea.

I took her virginity. About a month ago. If I break up with her now, how bad would that be?!!

Do you want an honest answer, or one that makes you feel good?

Ok, so question: How do I say it to her, and what's a good reason that wont hurt/upset her, or atleast as little as possibe.

You obviously don't love her. Tell her that. That is honest. Avoid personal character attacks.

And where do I do it? I was thinking of a public place...you know, don't make a scene and all that...

My idea. Meet IN a cafe (be late so she's sitting there)

Is this being considerate of the other person's feelings? Would recommend a non-public place in case she cries. Arrive on time. And don't bother with the peck on the cheek, it's dishonest.

Kiera

Wing Walker wrote:

I love this. Has anyone ever used it?

I’ve used its not me, it you. He laughed and I ended up with him for another year, like the tool that I am.

To the op. I’d prefer to be told maybe at my own place. That way if I got upset I wouldn’t have to walk through a public place crying or on the brinks of. Call over after her exams, have a cup of tea and explain that you want to break up because you don’t think you are suited. Get up and leave.

Dreamer 7

Its a bit mean to just say it and run, the poor girl. She deserves to be told exactly what is going on, and if you do it badly she could tar all Irish men with the same brush!

takola

Donegal Lass wrote:

maybe you should have been a priest- its obvious you must b good with the ladies!!??:rolleyes:

Just as well i like men then isn't it?? :rolleyes:

Besides.. They don't allow female priests!

Sleepy

Been in a similar situation, though I was with the girl for 6 months it was kind of the same, I was more one for heading out with the lads every night where as she was a sit in with DVD's kinda girl and kind of innocent and naieve like your girl.

Just be honest: tell her you don't think it's working, that you think she's a lovely girl but you're just not in love with her and can't see yourself ever being in love with her. It's not her fault, the spark just isn't there.

She'll still be hurt. That's unavoidable but at lease you're being honest with her, letting her know it's not her fault and that these things just happen. She'll get over it a lot quicker that way than she will if you try feeding her some elaborate story which will just leave her wondering what the hell is wrong with her, or why you *really* broke up with her.

Honesty is always the best policy in these situations. BTW, the girl I was in this situation with is now one of my best mates. These things can work out quite well if you deal with them in a mature and honest fashion.

Marksie

Face to face, in a direct honest and mature fashion.

You were her first lover. Treat what she gave you with respect and act in and adult fashion.

Private is best, stay calm, reasonable and tell the truth.

Thats how you should do it ithink.


as for the rest of what you are saying..... absolutely no comment will i make

DamoKen

as a few others have said, somewhere private where she can at least maintain her dignity. Also, try to make it easier on her, not yourself. You'll be over it the minute you walk out the door so sitting with her for a little while rather than doing a legger the minute you tell her isn't asking too much is it?
Don't mean to be rude but your comment "make me feel guilty and go back on it" is a little pathetic, if you're adamant about breaking up do it, if you've got second thoughts wait and see.
As others have said a relationship with a foreign girl can be tough to begin with (been in that position myself once or twice), but it generally gets a lot better with time. That's probably why she asks you to explain your jokes, she's not being anal, she's just coming to grips with Irish humour.

scojones

For the love of god don't do it just after you've shagged her.

r3nu4l

So exactly how long have you been feeling like this, since before or after you shagged the girl?

If she really has fallen for you (and it sounds like she has!) then you really need to have the decency to let her rant at you. The poor girl will probably regret for a long time that she gave her virginity to you. She will probably hate herself and think that was the only reason you were in the relationship.

As for not getting you, or the craic well I can tell you that I know a French lass who just didn't get the Irish sense fo humour for a long time. Took about a year for her to realise that she wasn't supposed to whole-heartedly agree with someone who was using self-deprecating humour . However, she is now married to the guy who was going to dump her way back then!

Maybe give it time, find out what she likes and dislikes. If she has hobbies, take an interest, ask her a bit about them etc. Give her a chance.


On the other hand, maybe she finds you boring and wants to give you a chance to improve the level of your conversation! Finally, I suggest breaking up somewhere private but near an accident and emergency ward!

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Marksie

There is also the possibility that she might be relieved to break up with someone who tells jokes she cant understand all the time and gets frustrated when she is trying to bridge the language barrier.

Sorry to bruise the ego

Ask her to go on the run with you

tell her you did something illegal and have to leave the country to escape jail make up some semi blase crime insisting you were set up:D

she'l dump you believe me

LegacyUser

OK! OK! We've established I'm an arsehole! I know that and please believe me, It was never supposed to turn out like this...I enterd this relationship with the best of intentions, but it takes time to get to know someone and I just feel like I've made a big mistake....not because I don't like her, I do, but I don't think I can offer her what she's looking for...something serious and in love, because I don't think I could ever feel that for her, despite the fact she's a lovely genuine girl who deserves someone who will appreciate her as much as she deserves...I honestly don't think I can offer her that.

Can I just say, I really appreciate all your input negative or otherwise...I mean I understand the implications of what I'm about to do and by pointing out my poor attitude/ideas can only help improve how I will handle it...but as somebody said to me, please don't say I have no respect for the girl, that felt bad when I read that, it couldn't be further from the truth and I hope I don't come across like that...Otherwise, would I be making such an effort to make this break up right?

I'll try to answer a few of your points:

r3nu4l wrote:

If she really has fallen for you (and it sounds like she has!) then you really need to have the decency to let her rant at you. The poor girl will probably regret for a long time that she gave her virginity to you. She will probably hate herself and think that was the only reason you were in the relationship.

You're right and this is eating me up inside and is a major factor in how difficult this is for me (on a purely selfish level, because I feel so guilty).

But that was NEVER the reason I got into this. I didn't know she was a virgin and when we first had sex it was when I really liked her so I felt privaleged...but now I just care for her and want the best for her...That dosen't include me, she's a great girl but we can't be together, it'll never work, I know this and amn't prepared to waist anymore of the girls time...she says this is an oppertunity and experience of a lifetime coming to Ireland and I'm so scared I may have ruined it for her.

marksuttonie wrote:

There is also the possibility that she might be relieved to break up with someone who tells jokes she cant understand all the time and gets frustrated when she is trying to bridge the language barrier.

Sorry to bruise the ego

I deserved that. I hope this is the case. But it's not just about my "Irish humour" that so many have pointed out, as I said before, she has excellent conversational English, but we seem to have very little to say...I mean I do make a big effort to talk to her about stuff she likes, but most of the time she either re-directs the conversation back to something about me or would sit in silence...She offers very little to a conversation other than the odd question and despite all my efforts (And I have made concious efforts) she dosen't really have much to say about her life, experiences, hobbies, interests or ambitions...and not that there's something stopping her (as I thought she may be extremely shy or not want to open up much at first) but it seems to have turned out she's not that shy and perfectly able to open up if I/we talk about sex...maybe there's just no other content to this girl?

Also, thanks for the link that was posted, that was very helpfull, as was your advise sleepy.

So I will do this in private, I will give her an oppertunity to vent at me, or get upset or whatever, I'll try to leave it on good terms....but I still have no Idea how i'm going to approach it....

Thanks again for all your advice and I'll keep you posted...her exams finish on wednesday........I'll try to get an oppertunity after then.......

malico

call her when you land in America... say. Oh yeah... I emigrated... See ya!

Funny and memorable.

Or if that's not your thing, and you need a breakup line, go to..

http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/breakup.html

Crash

Would people a)read more than the first fecking post in a thread and b) cut the guy some slack? you'd swear all the girls here had decided to paste the face of the guy who first broke their heart on the OP and have a lash at him. He's acknowledged in every post he doesn't want to hurt this girl, and is looking for the way that will be least painful for her. and fair dues to him. Its one of those things thats rare not to feel like an absolute cúnt after so thats cool.

fuzzywiggle wrote:

Do not do it in a public place! If she's going to be heartbroken like you say then she's going to be very upset. Give her some privacy for that at least. She deserves an explanation not a quick get away.

and he's said he was joking after that.

fuzzywiggle wrote:

Have you not got any respect for this girl at all? Oh wait, you must, you did take her virginity after all :rolleyes:

...i'm lost here. are you saying he has no respect for the girl because he took her virginity or what? :boggle:

mate, if there's a park or something near her house, bring her for a walk there and talk to her there - I know i've both broken up with and been broken up with in café's, and if the thing goes pearshaped, you very quickly get dirty looks from patrons while telling the girl exactly what you think of her / being told exactly what she thinks of you. best way to do it.

Just lay it out, tell her you don't feel comfortable in the relationship and dont feel you match or some other line (because I've only ever once had a breakup where what was said wasn't a complete line, and that was a bizarre breakup anyhow. but generally, its mostly bull****, designed to placate the other person). It doesn't really matter what you say, she'll be upset anyhow. so just say whatever you can thats not too mean really.

pbsuxok1znja4r

Sorry wrote:

OK! OK! We've established I'm an arsehole! I know that and please believe me, It was never supposed to turn out like this...I enterd this relationship with the best of intentions, but it takes time to get to know someone and I just feel like I've made a big mistake....not because I don't like her, I do, but I don't think I can offer her what she's looking for...something serious and in love, because I don't think I could ever feel that for her, despite the fact she's a lovely genuine girl who deserves someone who will appreciate her as much as she deserves...I honestly don't think I can offer her that.

I think everyone needs to be dumped or have their heart broken (haha that sounds like a terrible thing to say, but), in order to grow out of that needy, personality-nulling kind of first-love infatuation. I think it's a great pity that she's not had this happen before she met you. The first relationship almost never works simply because it's the first one.

wrote:

Can I just say, I really appreciate all your input negative or otherwise...I mean I understand the implications of what I'm about to do and by pointing out my poor attitude/ideas can only help improve how I will handle it...but as somebody said to me, please don't say I have no respect for the girl, that felt bad when I read that, it couldn't be further from the truth and I hope I don't come across like that...Otherwise, would I be making such an effort to make this break up right?

Yeah, you seem to me like you do respect her. Although I think before entertaining the idea of dumping her you should've put it to her that you don't have enough fun together or that the conversation is dull. I think you should always tell someone what the problem is so they can do something about it before you make up your mind to dump them. Obviously with conversation for this girl that mightn't work because it would just put her under some kind of horrible pressure to converse lively.

wrote:

But that was NEVER the reason I got into this. I didn't know she was a virgin and when we first had sex it was when I really liked her so I felt privaleged...but now I just care for her and want the best for her...That dosen't include me, she's a great girl but we can't be together, it'll never work, I know this and amn't prepared to waist anymore of the girls time...she says this is an oppertunity and experience of a lifetime coming to Ireland and I'm so scared I may have ruined it for her.

Damn. Seems like a real shame. I'm glad my first-love/infatuation didn't get my virginity, I'll say that much. I don't think you're an asshole but I wish you would've realised you didn't like her before a month ago when she lost her virginity.

wrote:

I deserved that. I hope this is the case. But it's not just about my "Irish humour" that so many have pointed out, as I said before, she has excellent conversational English, but we seem to have very little to say...I mean I do make a big effort to talk to her about stuff she likes, but most of the time she either re-directs the conversation back to something about me or would sit in silence...She offers very little to a conversation other than the odd question and despite all my efforts (And I have made concious efforts) she dosen't really have much to say about her life, experiences, hobbies, interests or ambitions...and not that there's something stopping her (as I thought she may be extremely shy or not want to open up much at first) but it seems to have turned out she's not that shy and perfectly able to open up if I/we talk about sex...maybe there's just no other content to this girl?

Okay, this is the main point of what I wanted to say. I think there is potentially a lot more to the girl's personality. Whether you're at this point still willing to try to find out, I don't know, but I'll explain regardless. Clearly this is her first love and like almost every other first love it's an infatuation. She indulges in some kind of worship toward you and loses her personality in doing so. I actually did the same thing with my first 'love' when I was around 16. It took me months to realise after she'd dumped me that I really wasn't offering her anything to enjoy her time with me. One tends to allow oneself to sink inward into these indulgent loved-up daydreams and thoughts. When we were friends beforehand I was a fun guy to be with; interesting, lots of interests, funny, great conversationalist, etc etc. But something inherent in or essential to those things just becomes nullified under the infatuation. I became quiet and basically boring around my girlfriend. After it ended I eventually, magically became a fun, interesting guy again. We later became friends again and she was shocked at how outgoing and funny I was as she had either forgotten from before or I had misrepresented myself while in the relationship. No-one is ever really themselves during the first love infatuation. Bottom line, I think it's quite probable that she's misrepresenting herself.

What I'm saying is, if there were a way to shake her out of the first-love infatuation mentality (go on a break?), there would quite likely be a lot more personality and zest to this girl. Surely there must've been something like that there in the first place to attract you to her, if you think back. But you probably feel it's too late to do this, or have lost too much respect for her or whatever. Seems a pity for both of you...

wrote:

So I will do this in private, I will give her an oppertunity to vent at me, or get upset or whatever, I'll try to leave it on good terms....but I still have no Idea how i'm going to approach it....

Just make sure you're completely honest with her. Don't attack her personality, just say things like "We don't have this....We don't have that...", rather than pointing out what she doesn't have.

wrote:

Thanks again for all your advice and I'll keep you posted...her exams finish on wednesday........I'll try to get an oppertunity after then.......

Heh, as voyeuristic as this may sound; let us know how it went! Good luck to both of ye.

keithclancy

Hmm,

Well i'd say don't listen to what other people tell you anyways, at the end of the day its your choice what you want to do. About the virginity thing, its not really a big deal, it doesn't mean you have to stay with her because she gave you something that was meaningless anyway. Anyways, your doing a favor for the next guy so he doesn't have to deal with taking away this mystical virgin field.

Stop over thinking it and just do it, whenever your doing something like this the hardest person to face on your own is yourself, All the sitting there thinking, have i made the right choice ??

In the beginning you'll be dead set saying it was the right choice, directly afterwards you'll be thinking.... Balls ... wtf did i do that for. But don't worry, this is normal.

I've noticed the same feeling after selling my motorbike. Its human nature.

Just be honest, explain why and keep it short, don't give her a hug or anything, she needs a little hate otherwise she'll be sending txts and ringing.

Finally, go for a pint afterward and do a bit of deletism
It'll be grand, you'll look back on it with no emotion after time.

Screw the, "Theres more fish in the sea"
Sure women make up half the populous of the world, you'll be grand thats around 3 billion women.

pbsuxok1znja4r

keithclancy wrote:

Hmm,

Well i'd say don't listen to what other people tell you anyways,


*goes on to advise OP what to do*

keithclancy

scouser.tommy wrote:

Exactly,
Start with what you mean and finish with your OPINION

Donegal Lass

takola wrote:

Just as well i like men then isn't it?? :rolleyes:

Besides.. They don't allow female priests!

yea just copped you were a girl..........apologies!!:)

Donegal Lass

keithclancy wrote:

About the virginity thing, its not really a big deal, it doesn't mean you have to stay with her because she gave you something that was meaningless anyway.

ok thats a little harsh, it might have taken a lot for this girl to give it up, coz if she waited until she was 19, she's obviously not putting it about!!

have a little sensitivity!??:(

Donegal Lass

keithclancy wrote:

About the virginity thing, its not really a big deal, it doesn't mean you have to stay with her because she gave you something that was meaningless anyway.

ok thats a little harsh, it might have taken a lot for this girl to give it up, coz if she waited until she was 19, she's obviously not putting it about!!

have a little sensitivity!??:(

LegacyUser

*UPDATE*

A month on....where to start? (This is a long one!!)

Ok, so I decided to take some peoples advice here and give the girl another chance, I mean, this was horrible having to do it (break up) so I kind of bottled it and said if we talk about it, maybe she can relax, improve her efforts etc...

SO...that didn't work, infact, it really upset her, which gave me an insight into what it would be like to actually break up with her!!

So anyway, we trundled along...I kind of made excuses to see her less and less, I have, and will openly admit, been a coward which has resulted in me being a complete asshole, but I eventually came to the conclusion (and don't forget, I was freaked out from before) if I cool the situation, kind of let it lose it's momentum and become a bit more flat, I could come out and say "I'm not sure we should see eachother anymore" and maybe she would agree or at least think, yeah, maybe he's right, it's been a bit sh*t lately...

So, kind of left it at a couple of breef meetings during the week, nothing at the weekend, no cinema and constantly have to "work late" or "up early" or "really tired from work" or doing overtime, or whatever.....and it was actually going ok! I could tell she was less disapointed as it went on...kind of became expected! And she was going out with her friends more, which was GREAT! Maybe she'd meet someone and dump me!

So, I felt the time had come, genius i thought! I was all set to write a book on "Relationship Advice: The Do's and Don'ts" .... The execution was perfect, I was sure that if she hadn't of dumped me by now, it certainly must have crossed her mind, and this was going to be a big relief for her!!

So we meet up in town, a bit of chit chat, a bit of small talk, let's not beat around the bush, we all know why we're here (in stephens green, seculded enough) I broker the subject... [losely based on actual dialog...Shortend "Get the drift" version]

Me: Ms.X, How do you think things have been going lately between us?
Ms.X: I don't know, what do you think?
Me: Well, I just think we have such little time to see eachother, it's really difficult for both of us...
Ms.X: I know, we used to be able to see eachother all the time...
Me: Well, you know with work and you with your friends and college, we've got a lot of things on our plate at the moment...I have so many commitments in work right now, I barely even see my friends.
Ms.X: ..........
Me: You know, you don't have a long time to spend in Ireland, and this is no way to be enjoying yourself...I just feel like you need to be able to go out more, meet more people, enjoy your time, and I just feel like that's not something I can offer you...
Ms.X: What do you mean?
Me: Well....Maybe you should see other people, you know, people who can spend more time with you and treat you better...
Ms.X: But I want to be with you...
Me: Well, I can't promise you that I can see you even once a week...There's no point waiting on me...you shouldn't have to...
Ms.X: (Visibly upset) But I want to be with you....
Me: Well (Ah ffs, now I'm getting the puppy eyes here) you know, are you willing to be with me if i can hardly ever see you...that's the only way we can be together...
Ms.X: (Big Grin) OK!
Me: .................................


OH COME ON!! Don't judge me! I tried, I really tried, that was it, that was my "master plan" .... So much for the best seller, I don't even have the cans to break it off with a girl!!

So, What do I do?

I couldn't think of a plan B....So I started plan A again....the gradual freeze out....

It was going ok, until, dare I say it...the stalking began...She would call to my home, completely unannounced, a fair few times...I explained to her that I REALLY don't like her doing this as I'm resting after work, or having my dinner and if she wants to meet up it should be organised and not in my face, at my home...

Then, phone calls at night...several texts a day...she's not drunk, just "wants to talk" ....

I hadn't seen her in a week, she fuc*ing posted me photo's of herslef!!

She got my email (I have NO fu*king clue how she got it) and started spamming it with SMS type messages like "How are you?"

"How's Work?"

"I'm fine"

I check the thing about once a week!!

Ok, now the final straw...My door bell rings (RING! RING! RING! RING! RING!) I go to the door...no one is there...Hmm, strange I thought...I look down, A bag.

I open it, I find:

A chocolate bar.
CD 2 of 12 of "Learn French In One Week".
A envelope.

I open the envelope...Welcome to freaked out city...population: Me.

Dear Mr.Y,
I'm writing to you because I don't dare to talk to you face to face. You know that I'm shy. The only thing is I don't really know how to express myself in English.

At first, I didn't think that I would be so keen on you. Maybe it's because I've never been with a guy like you before; I feel so comfortable with you, I don't need to act like a differnt person and I love the way you are; So good looking, handsome, cool, nice, gentle, respectful, ambitious, understanding...You mean a lot to me!

Actually, I've been addicted to you (you can ask my friends that). I guess I fell in love with you. The more I try to ignore it, the more it becomes powerful.

I'm not trying to scare you away, I'm trying to keep you! I really want to stay with you, to keep in touch with you as a boyfriend when I go back to France.

You know what, if I had finished my studies, I'd have stayed in Dublin.
Honestly, I believe we can work it out! I hope you feel the same way too.

I can't believe I did it!! Now, I feel relieved.

I know you've never been in love before. That's why I'm scared about what you think.

I know if you're ready or want a serious relationship....

Love you,
Ms.X

The gloves are off man, this has got to end NOW! Please, opinions, comments and advice...I need help to end this once and for all...incase you havn't noticed, I'm not exactly the best at "The breakup".

(PLEASE NOTE: I had serious moral dilema of posting the letter, as it would be a massive breach of trust and VERY hurtful if she found out, but I'm never going to tell anyone, none of her friends or herself uses boards, and when it is resolved, I may ask the mods to remove it. But it sums up exaclty what she's thinking and feeling which is a massive facotr in directing advice about how I should handle this...also please read all my posts, I may be light hearted or try to be a bit silly when trying to explain myself, but from my other posts and from this, you should know I REALLY don't want to hurt her and do respect her.)

Thank you very much for reading.

my little pony

When is she going back to France???

Tell her that you could never have a long distance relationship especially when she lives in a different country, tell her that it would be better for both of you if you broke up now and not when she leaves so that she can enjoy her last few weeks here with her friends.......

She is obviously infatuated with you and its better to end it now befor ethe 'stalking gets worse'.....the more you prolong the break up the worse it will get.

Good Luck

Beruthiel

See what happens when you give her hope!?

Finish it, tell her straight out that it's over. Tell her you are not interested in a relationship and though you cared for her, you do not love her.
That sounds harsh I know, but anything else will give someone like her some hope.

[dumb&dumber]Is there a chance that you could love me?
One in a million
Then I have a chance!!![/dumb&dumber]

AngryBadger

There's no longer a diplomatic way to do this, sometimes you have to burn the village to save the village.

Yes, just finish it.

Though i have to say that don't like the way some people seem to be taking out when their first relationship broke up on the OP.

LegacyUser

You made a mess of it. It seems like your loving the attention deep down. Can you act like a man for once and respect yourself, just break it off with her.

Wing Walker

I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't admit to this, but your last post made me break my ****e laughing. Talk about having everything planned out "perfectly" and then watching it blow up in your face!!

Price of the bus fare into town: €2
Price of coffee on the way to the green: €4
Watching the best laid plans go to sh1t: PRICELESS

Seriously though, you need to develop some testicular fortitude and learn to say "NO". She's obviously smitten and you're not helping things with the "I'll see you once a month" thing.

All you have to say is, "this isn't working for me. I'd prefer if we could be just friends". That's it, nice and simple. Don't pussy-foot on this. It's not fair on her and it's not doing your nerves any favours either.

It's a tough thing to do but you can do it. Best of luck with it.

LegacyUser

You need to break up with her by simply telling her its not working out, things ahve changed and you no longer feel the same, its that simple.

Jesus if you dont grow some B***s soon you'll end up marrying her

Have to say this is one of the funniest threads in a long time.

Zombrex

Sorry wrote:

Me: Well (Ah ffs, now I'm getting the puppy eyes here) you know, are you willing to be with me if i can hardly ever see you...that's the only way we can be together...

NEVER give them a way out, never assume they will take the hint. She is obviously totally infatuated with you. You need to say this isn't working out. She will be devistated, but you have to do it anyway. We have all been there, it is just something she will have to learn to deal with. Its not your problem that she is immature when it comes to relationships, though it is your fault that you are not ending it properly. The long it goes on the harder it will be for her.

Miguel_Sanchez

Dude, sorry but you're a coward. A huge coward.

Anyone that tries to slowly let a girl drift away in the hope that she'll be the one to suggest breaking up is a pussy.

Be a ****ing man. Tell the girl you don't want to see her anymore.

Will there be tears? Yes.
Have you strung her along? Undoubtedly.

Call her. Tell her you're coming over. Then sit her down and break up with her. Be firm but not nasty.

And as for saying she's stalking you. Dude she's your girlfriend, she's trying to make an effort to see you. If you're too tired to come into town, fine she'll make an effort and come over to you. She doesn't know that you want rid of her so she doesn't think she's stalking you. And you know the reason she doesn't know this? Because you're not man enough to tell her.

Just break up with her, more for her sake than yours.