amusing replies to charity muggers

Catullus

god damn i wish i had some. but like a true hero i only think of them halfway down the street thirty seconds after. Anyone heard any good ones?

chillywilly

anytime i get asked i just point to my wrist(as if pointing to my watch) and mutter "wanker"

by the time your gone they dont know if you said it or not

i get a giggle out of it

Karl Hungus

Well, if you've not read the other thread...

What I generally like to do, if I've got the time, is really bug them if they approach me. Begging for money, asking for drugs, hitting on them, ranting about something untill they go away, trying to get them to come to the pub with me (usually I'm not even going to the pub), when they shake my hand, I keep shaking longer than they do, make things very uncomfortable.

What I did most recently, after watching Blue Velvet (Of course) went something like this:

Me: You wanna go for a ride?
Chugger: Eh, no...
Me: No? No what?
Chugger: No I don't want to go for a ride
Me: A ride? Hell, that's a good idea, lets go!

I then put my arm around him, and emphasised "Lets go."



If I'm in a hurry, and a chugger tries to get in my way, it's usually full steam ahead, and elbows. Or some young girl who tried to jump infront of me, I simply said "Move" quite loudly, and she jumped right back very quickly.

One tried to get my attention the other so I headbutted her. She went down easy so I kicked her a few times and stole her jacket.

A few weeks ago, this other one asked me if I had "a minute for concern". I called him a **** and told him to get a real job. He gave me a funny look, so I spat in his face.

I love giving abuse to those chuggers, makes me feel complete as a human being.

I'm such a badass.

Dave!

Catullus wrote:

god damn i wish i had some. but like a true hero i only think of them halfway down the street thirty seconds after.

Ahh yes, esprit d'escalier, gotta love it...:D

grumpytrousers

There's that Jimmy Carr line..

Chugger: Have you got 5 minutes for Famine Relief in Africa

Jimmy Carr: Sure, but I don't think we'll get much done....

Archeron

"So you work for a charity??? Wow, well done. I appreciate your good work, I myself have just this minute returned from charity work in a seriously contagious leper colony in Sierra Leone" (while shaking their hand vigorously and spittling at them). This works better if you;ve had a chance to paste little pieces of oatmeal to your hands.

Creamy Goodness

never really given them back a good answer but i had recieved one back from them and I respected the guy for his wit.

was walking down the street and was absolutely famished thought i was going to die of the hunger when I was approached by a chugger.

I told him that I was starving and didn't have time to listen.

To which he replied, "you're starving?, well so are the children man!"

el tel

Just ask them ask them do they contribute to the charity which they are peddling or are they just happy to take the wages?

Dave!

Cremo wrote:

never really given them back a good answer but i had recieved one back from them and I respected the guy for his wit.

was walking down the street and was absolutely famished thought i was going to die of the hunger when I was approached by a chugger.

I told him that I was starving and didn't have time to listen.

To which he replied, "you're starving?, well so are the children man!"

Shoulda asked him was his name Karl Hungus, tbh!

jsr

Sometimes when tryin to get your attention they will half block your path and walk back a couple of steps so as to keep eye contact. Just slightly change course while looking like you are listening but keep walking slowly. It is possible to back 'em into a poll or on coming pedestrian. Takes time but is worth it.

Fajitas!

jsr wrote:

Sometimes when tryin to get your attention they will half block your path and walk back a couple of steps so as to keep eye contact. Just slightly change course while looking like you are listening but keep walking slowly. It is possible to back 'em into a poll or on coming pedestrian. Takes time but is worth it.

Haha!

Classic!

Must take a trip to Central Bank tomorrow!

killswitch

just say "Gabh mo leathsceal...nil aon fhocal bearla agam" and walk away...i love doing that

s10

if only i had the time, tell them i'll join if they join the mormans with me

Oriel

grumpytrousers wrote:

There's that Jimmy Carr line..

Chugger: Have you got 5 minutes for Famine Relief in Africa

Jimmy Carr: Sure, but I don't think we'll get much done....

It was cancer research actually. Which... is kinda the funny bit of the joke... :rolleyes:

grumpytrousers

sinecurea wrote:

It was cancer research actually. Which... is kinda the funny bit of the joke... :rolleyes:

so you think you could sort out famine relief in five minutes, eh...

:-D

point taken...

Nightwish

well as I mentioned in the other thread, I just say its Satans will to let these people die...sorting the chaff from the wheat. They are usually so shocked they back away.

Degsy

And die they will if they're dependant on MY good nature to save them!

pwee

When they say have u got a minute? reply sorry i have 2 go home and beat the wife:D By the time they have took in what u said u will be long gone, obviously this is not true but it works!!

rubadub

Want to help concern? (shaking the collection box.)

Sure! do you want to donate €5 to trocaire (shaking your open wallet back at them).

They will either feck off or question if you are going to keep the money, if they do question you can just ask why you should trust a total stranger to give money to charity, if they are not even willing to.

If they do give you the fiver, stick it in their box and walk off, fecker will get most of it back anyways.

Hobbes

Shake thier hands firmly and slightly longer then normal while saying "I just saw that movie Mallrats! That movie was hilarious! Have you seen that movie? What do you think of it?" (keep shaking).

Sleepy

ROFL Hobbes!

Funkstard

I just say I'm only 17...they have to stop then. Can't touch under 18's.

Zapp Brannigan

Funkstard wrote:

I just say I'm only 17...they have to stop then. Can't touch under 18's.

Exactly.

Also if its concern say you have no bank account, they'll leave you alone.

danniemcq

usually tell them to go f*ck themselves.

and if that doesn't work or they try and say a witty comeback turn and loudly proclaim that the €15 an hour they make is almost double what you do.

the best thing is the when they get kinda up themselves and defencive and say thimngs like excuse me i don't make €15 an hour i only make 12 or some sh!t like that then it's open season!

lucernarian

Funkstard wrote:

I just say I'm only 17...they have to stop then. Can't touch under 18's.

:cool:

Sam Vimes

Funkstard wrote:

I just say I'm only 17...they have to stop then. Can't touch under 18's.

especially if you're about 30

singingstranger

rubadub wrote:

Want to help concern? (shaking the collection box.)

Sure! do you want to donate €5 to trocaire (shaking your open wallet back at them).

They will either feck off or question if you are going to keep the money, if they do question you can just ask why you should trust a total stranger to give money to charity, if they are not even willing to.

If they do give you the fiver, stick it in their box and walk off, fecker will get most of it back anyways.

Top notch idea.

One time a summer or two ago some people from the Hanly Centre (my. God. Leave. me. alone.) came up to me on Grafton Street selling their €3 scratchcards. I grudgingly handed over, being as methodical about opening my wallet as I could, and said "Hmph, there goes my liver transplant fund. Guess this town ain't big enough for both me and cirrhosis." Then I walked away immediately, without taking the scratchcard.

I have never been stopped by anyone since.

nlgbbbblth

Hobbes wrote:

Shake thier hands firmly and slightly longer then normal while saying "I just saw that movie Mallrats! That movie was hilarious! Have you seen that movie? What do you think of it?" (keep shaking).

Stink palm!:D

nlgbbbblth

Covering your face as you walk past is a good one because it is so obvious that you are avoiding their gaze.

Handing them printed copies of anti-chugger threads works too.

In an ideal world it would acceptable to glass a chugger without fear of being convicted of grievous bodily harm.

Photi

Point into the distance and let out a piercing scream, then run wildly down the street, arms flailing shouting "THEY'VE COME, THEY'VE COME!".

Dord

here's one my brother told me. it works a charm, but i've had them run after me screaming F* words at me.
it really only works for the concern ones.


Chugger - " do you have a moment for concern? "

Me - " do i LOOK concerned? "

CuLT

Saying "my wall isn't six foot high", completely seriously, with a dismissive look on your face.

It's non-offensive and disarms them long enough to make your casual getaway. Good ol' Derren Brown.

lodgepole

Saying "no thanks" usually does the job for me. Not terribly witty, but hey it's polite.

funk-you

Two words for dealing with them:

Hug & Cry

Do it like you've just heard your dog died.

-Funk

the_syco

"Purple Monkey Dishwasher"

"Kinnsheler(add own made up phrase) English", whilst shaking your head, and looking sad

"

Crucifix

Recently I saw a guy walking ahead of me stopped by somone on O'Connel Street. The guy stopped and listened and all that, but right when the girl started into her big speel, he just stepped in a little too close. And she was obviously freaked, but had to keep going. I nearly cracked up.

pbsuxok1znja4r

Chugger: Hey, can I talk to you about blind kids in Africa?
Me: Sorry, I'm catching a bus
Chugger: Oh, it'll only a take a minute
Me: Yeah, well, my bus leaves in less than one minute
*walk off*

Rhyme

CuLT wrote:

Saying "my wall isn't six foot high", completely seriously, with a dismissive look on your face.

Bingo.

Completely off-topic stuff works the best, "I didn't get any mail today, i know... it sucks" etc.

panda100

I worked for the Hanly centre in Cork just after my leaving cert.Now whenever I pass one of them I always stop and listen cos I can feel their pain.The worst thing I used to hate is when people just ignore you and pretend you dont exist:( Saying that Hanley centre summer was most embarrasing of my life!!

jsr

panda100 wrote:

I worked for the Hanly centre in Cork just after my leaving cert.Now whenever I pass one of them I always stop and listen cos I can feel their pain.The worst thing I used to hate is when people just ignore you and pretend you dont exist:( Saying that Hanley centre summer was most embarrasing of my life!!

They don't want a chat they want your money. Walkin by saying nothin might make them feel bad but letting them think 'em have got someone sap to hand over money only to find out they have waisted the effort is just cruel...................I LIKE IT.

That was your plan all along. You just don't want to sound like a sadist so you mad up the rest about working for the Hanly Centre:)

So folks from now on just listen look really concerned, and when they move in for the kill look at them like they are mad. Follow that by shaking your head and walking off!
(somedays Im just mean);)

Charm Offensive

Deleted User wrote:

One tried to get my attention the other so I headbutted her. She went down easy so I kicked her a few times and stole her jacket.

A few weeks ago, this other one asked me if I had "a minute for concern". I called him a **** and told him to get a real job. He gave me a funny look, so I spat in his face.

I love giving abuse to those chuggers, makes me feel complete as a human being.

I'm such a badass.

Hahahah. Good point well made - I've seen the error of my ways and stopped being a dick to these people, what's the point? It's just spreading bad vibes for no good reason; tis way better to get a laugh out of the experience.

Mr Magnolia

I generally just stroll into them when they're not looking where they're going. (while they're walking backwards annoying someone)

crucifix wrote:

Recently I saw a guy walking a head of me stopped by somone on O'Connel Street. The guys stopped and listened and all that, but right when the girl started into her big speel, he just stepped in a little too close

Like it, must try it out.

projectmayhem

one cought me off guard today (i made eye contact, a big mistake) so i pointed to my hat and said i can't hear him through the hat, then said i don't actually speak english anyway. my mate laughed his head off and said how mean that was... i then launched into a rant about how i come accross these fools along with the newspapers fools every single day, and it annoys the ****e out of me.

if i wanted a paper i'd have taken one a mile ago. if i wanted to donate, i'd ring the charity.

koneko

projectmayhem, that reminds me of:

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel"

I may use that someday.

tunaman

Chugger: Can I ask you a quick question?

Me: You just did.

Sam Vimes

make up your own charity, bring your own clipboard and try to sign them up. try to take direct debit details from their forms while they're not looking

phantom_lord

I just say I'm only 17...they have to stop then. Can't touch under 18's.

I'd never sign up anyway. A guy I knew who did it said he could make up to a grand a week with bonuses. And that he got the first months donation.

WallysWorld

If you make the mistake of catching their eye immediatly start smiling and as you walk towards them break into a laugh getting a touch hysterical as you get within range, all the time maintaining direct eye contact, they won't want to talk to you.

Dooom

WallysWorld wrote:

If you make the mistake of catching their eye immediatly start smiling and as you walk towards them break into a laugh getting a touch hysterical as you get within range, all the time maintaining direct eye contact, they won't want to talk to you.

Roffle

swingking

This happened to me the other day and remembering back to my good auld French classes in school I replied

Je ne parle pas anglais, je suis desole

Worked a treat:D