getting a house

LegacyUser

i am currently in the process of buying a house with my friend. we have been friends for many years & he's a really nice guy. II'm not homophobic now or anything but there is a lot of rumours going around that he could be gay? I know that this shouldn't make any difference but i am having serious doubts about to go ahead or not. should i confront him with the issue or just pull out using another excuse?

LundiMardi

buyingout wrote:

i am currently in the process of buying a house with my friend. we have been friends for many years & he's a really nice guy. II'm not homophobic now or anything but there is a lot of rumours going around that he could be gay? I know that this shouldn't make any difference but i am having serious doubts about to go ahead or not. should i confront him with the issue or just pull out using another excuse?

I think you should get back in yer closet*ahem*, sorry, i mean box.

What exactly is the problem, think you'll move in with him and catch the gay?

Sleipnir

"Confront him"??? It's not a crime you know.

"We've been friends for many years but we can't ever be really good friends cos he's gay." What kind of friend is that?

Get over yourself.

koneko

It's none of your business, don't "confront" him because he has done nothing wrong, if he wants to talk to you about his private life he will.

I don't see how this would affect your choice at all. You claim you're not a homophobe.... but really.... why would this give you second thoughts at all?

Coney Island

Buying a house is business. Who cares if your friend is gay or not!

rsynnott

buyingout wrote:

II'm not homophobic now or anything but there is a lot of rumours going around that he could be gay?

I am not a racialist, but, and zis is the BIG but, the National Botialist Party says....

Really, it's obvious where the problem here is. It's you. If you ARE a raving bigot, then be honest, and say to him "sorry, but I'm a lunatic". Otherwise, there really isn't an issue.

FuzzyWuzzyWazza

look at it this way.......... move in with him, then you will know for sure.

BeardyGit

Stall the ball lads and lasses! There's nothing wrong with a bloke potentially having a problem if a friend of his is gay and has chosen not to tell him. He's buying a house with him for crying out loud. You might like to think business is business and all that, but it's rarely that simple.

A former housemate of mine, let's call him 'Joe', is gay. Absolutely sound bloke and a very good friend still. But I just wasn't comfortable with him bringing lads back to our house when he'd pulled on a night out. Don't beat me up over this - It's just something I wasn't comfortable with - Everyone has their own comfort zone and there's no point in having a go at someone because of a situation that makes them feel uncomfortable, whether you think they're right or wrong to feel that way.

I spoke with 'Joe' about this calmly and openly. He was very understanding and genuinely understood my reaction. He suggested he wouldn't bring guys back to the house in future and stuck to it. I know he ended up in a relationship with a nice bloke and after a couple of months I told him to fire away and bring him over if he wanted, which he did.

'Joe' is a good guy who was understanding of a hetrosexual friends discomfort with homosexuality. It was partly ignorance on my part but largely down to social conditioning. 'Joe' took the time to allow me, his hetro friend, readjust my notions of normality until I was comfortable enough to get over myself and my misconceptions.

If he'd been a jerk about it or had tried pushing ahead with no regard for my obvious discomfort, I'd have reacted swiftly and ejected him from our house, as shameful a reaction as that might read to you (and me) now.

Kick all of that up a notch or two and consider a situation where you were planning on buying a house with a friend who may or may not be gay. But you've not had the benefit of a frank, calm and polite discussion regarding your own comfort zone/level, your misconceptions and worries, with someone who may or may not react in a calm and understanding manner - Whether the rumour is true or not. Could turn really messy, really quickly.

It's only right that you'd consider your reaction before commiting financially if the two of you are planning on living in the house together. I don't think the OP is being unfair or unreasonable to question what's going to be okay with him, but it's really a discussion that should be taking place with his friend. Tell him that you've heard rumours and that you don't want a row with him but you'd like to hear it from him now if it's true. Tell him that you'd like to know if there's anything he'd like to tell you now - That you don't want to have anything 'surprising' to deal with in future, particularly if you're taking the opportunity to discuss this now.

Yeah, I'm sure there are people reading this who would like to brand me as a biggoted homophobic neanderthal. I'm not, really I'm not. I've had to really question my own reactions and social programming if you will. Very few people in Ireland have had the benefit of growing up with openly 'gay' friends and so, each of us in our own time have to decide how we should best challenge our own 'fears' (sorry - probably a poor choice of words). I'd like to think I'm learning and doing reasonably well and doing the right thing, at least by my gay friends. I think the OP is just facing a situation where he'll have to decide to remain in the mindset he currently finds himself or else be prepared to start questioning his reasons for feeling a little uneasy with his friends possibly homosexual preference.

I'm not saying that homophobia is acceptable but I think it's understandable to a great extent. As long as someone is prepared to challenge themself to reassess their position with regard to homosexuality, I think that person should be encouraged to do so rather than be criticised or 'flamed' for mentioning they may have a problem with accepting someones sexuality.

I hope I've not strayed too far off-topic and that my own experience and thoughts are considered helpful and constructive. OP, best of luck and really try to keep an open mind here.

Gil

jimmycrackcorm

Don't mix business and pleasure.
There's no smoke without a fire unless it is dry ice.

Hope that helps...

LegacyUser

buyingout wrote:

i am currently in the process of buying a house with my friend. we have been friends for many years & he's a really nice guy. II'm not homophobic now or anything but there is a lot of rumours going around that he could be gay? I know that this shouldn't make any difference but i am having serious doubts about to go ahead or not. should i confront him with the issue or just pull out using another excuse?

in fairness how good of a mate can he be if you're believing what random people say about a bloke you know "for many years". What evidence do you have to believe what they're saying. Has you ever seen him been with other blokes...does he talk about other bloke in a sexual way???

People like you disgust me ....first mention of the G word and your bailing on a mate. As someone else said its not a crime .

Its no wonder with an attitude like yours that if your mate is gay he hasn't confided in you!!!!!!

hepcat

buyingout wrote:

i am currently in the process of buying a house with my friend. we have been friends for many years & he's a really nice guy. II'm not homophobic now or anything but there is a lot of rumours going around that he could be gay? I know that this shouldn't make any difference but i am having serious doubts about to go ahead or not. should i confront him with the issue or just pull out using another excuse?

You are homphobic, plain and simple. You have been friends for years yet the fact that this guys sexuality may be different to yours makes you want to treat him like a bad disease???? You should tell your friend you have a problem with gay blokes.

Tim06

i can empathise with some of the previous post from gil_dub. some people are just not comfortable with people bring a same sex parter home, amybe its the way we were brought up? but how well do you know this friend. should you not be able to ask him out straight?

chump

Maybe the OP is afraid his gay friend actually harbours feelings for him, and moving in will prompt a move on his part, and ruin the whole good vibe of moving in.

Very unfair calling the OP and bigot and all that...

Enii

You'd want to have a talk with him. After you buy the house together do you expect to bring girlfriends to stay in your room? Of course, only natural. So it is only natural to assume he may bring guys back to his room. From the sounds of your original post you may not be able to handle this. Discuss all these issues before you lock yourself in to the house sale.

Hagar

If I were the OP I would read through Gil_Dub's post a couple of times.
I think he's pobably right on the money and by far the most balanced and well thought-out response so far.
/Edit Enii's post wasn't there as I posted.

Nevyn

chump wrote:

Maybe the OP is afraid his gay friend actually harbours feelings for him, and moving in will prompt a move on his part, and ruin the whole good vibe of moving in.

Very unfair calling the OP and bigot and all that...

Chump just becasue a person is gay does not mean they are attracted to every person of the same gender they see the same way guys are not attracted to every girl they see/know.

LegacyUser

chump wrote:

Maybe the OP is afraid his gay friend actually harbours feelings for him, and moving in will prompt a move on his part, and ruin the whole good vibe of moving in.

Very unfair calling the OP and bigot and all that...

yeah thats right...all gay people harbour feelings for their friends....

Why would the OP assume that his friend actually has feelings for him. Does the OP harbour feelings for all his female friends??? It is possible to be friends with someone of different sexuality without fancying them you know.

In my opinion he's just a small minded bigot who judges people solely on their sexuality FACT

Nevyn

Lets not turn this into a witch hunt for bigiots.

A lot of people in Ireland don't have or don't interact with some one who has
a different sexual preference and what is seen as a 'gay' lifestyle can been very different to these people.

but really if you are old enough to be buying a house you should be old and mature enough to have a chat with your friend about house rules.

JimmySmith

I can see where you are coming from op, and i think too many people are just looking for a reason to jump on the 'you are a bigot' bandwagon here, with no regard to your position.

My brother shared a house with 3 of our friends, one of whom is gay. They all knew this before they moved in. Lets call im 'Martin'. All was well for the first 3 months or so and the Martin hooked up with a boyfriend. Nice guy and everyone
liked him. They've since split up, but we still go on the piss with Martins ex.

So what happedned in the house was this. The too guys liked LOUD sex. Now this is bad enough when its a man and a woman, but too guys moaning and bouncing around in the bed was a bit much. I know because the couch was my bed after a night on the piss. On the nights i stayed over the ceiling would be shaking and the too guys would be howling and moaning all night.
Also they would be feeling each other up before going to bed.

This was really uncomfortable. So much so that the lads mentioned it to Martin. He was verry sorry but it went quiet for about a week and then they were making the noise again.
After many months they asked Martin to leave. They fell out for a while but all is well again now.

Just making the point that even hetero couples do this, but it is not as offputting as when two men do this, to someone who isnt gay.
All the bigot hunters. Stop being bigots yourselves and let the OP tell his side of the story.

I dont know how you ask a friend are they gay - What if they arent and realise you thought they were all these years. Tough question to ask if you dont know for sure what the answer will be.

JohnBoy

my biggest issue from your point of view would be that you're getting into buying a house with someone who maybe you don't really know all that well.

as for the homophobia bit, you'll get over that fairly quickly, well i did when living with a rampant homo/bi/homo/dependedonhismoodsexual

or alternatively people think he's gay cos he's buying a house with another bloke, they're probably saying the same about you behind your back (sorry couldn't resist)

Ag marbh

If you don't already know if hes gay or can't ask him without it being a big deal I would have to ask you why you're buying a house with him? People should really only go into such a big investment with people they know inside out.

BigCon

Simon1985 wrote:

yeah thats right...all gay people harbour feelings for their friends....

Why would the OP assume that his friend actually has feelings for him. Does the OP harbour feelings for all his female friends??? It is possible to be friends with someone of different sexuality without fancying them you know.

In my opinion he's just a small minded bigot who judges people solely on their sexuality FACT

I've read the op's post a few times and I can't see where he assumes that. Maybe he's edited it out or something.

FFS people get down off your high horses. If he feels uncomfortable with this situation I don't see what the problem with him raising his concerns...

BuffyBot

i am currently in the process of buying a house with my friend. we have been friends for many years & he's a really nice guy.

Good. He's a long term friend. You should have a high level of trust and respect if you are good friends for a long time.

II'm not homophobic now or anything but there is a lot of rumours going around that he could be gay? I know that this shouldn't make any difference but i am having serious doubts about to go ahead or not. should i confront him with the issue or just pull out using another excuse?

Well yes, you are a bit homophobic. That, however, has nothing to do with the issue at hand. If you are old enough to be buying a house, you're old enough to have a straightforward chat with one of your best friends. If you're uncomfortable with whats going on, talk to him. Be an adult about it. Plus, if this guy is your friend, you have a bit of a responsibility (outside of the housebuying thing) to tell him about the rumours going around.

JimmySmith

Ag marbh wrote:

If you don't already know if hes gay or can't ask him without it being a big deal I would have to ask you why you're buying a house with him? People should really only go into such a big investment with people they know inside out.

Iamagine going into business with a partner and saying 'By the way old man, before we sign this deal - Are you Gay?'

LegacyUser

thanks guys for all your replies. i do think that some people are been a little harsh. simon 1985, in no case did i say that all my female friends fancy me or in any way insinuate that my mate fancies me. gil_dub hit the nail on the head in regards bringing other people back to the house. If he was open and upfront with me there wouldnt be a problem. however if these rumors are true & i have a strong suspicion that they are why has he not come out and told me?

Tim06

Simon1985 wrote:

yeah thats right...all gay people harbour feelings for their friends....

Why would the OP assume that his friend actually has feelings for him. Does the OP harbour feelings for all his female friends??? It is possible to be friends with someone of different sexuality without fancying them you know.

In my opinion he's just a small minded bigot who judges people solely on their sexuality FACT

FACT?? what age are you 10??

i dont see where the OP said that his mate has feelings for him? You really seemto have it in for the OP without any good reason.

rsynnott

chump wrote:

Maybe the OP is afraid his gay friend actually harbours feelings for him, and moving in will prompt a move on his part, and ruin the whole good vibe of moving in.

Very unfair calling the OP and bigot and all that...

Maybe the OP will be hit by lightning. Neither scenario is very likely, really. Worrying about things like this is a bit mad.

I mean, have you ever actually met a gay person? We don't all go around molesting our friends.

To the OP; the best thing for everyone involved would probably be to abandon it.

Nevyn

Tim06 you are offtopic.
I suggest that you go and read the charter for this forum and abide by the rules in it while posting.
Thaedydal.

Buying out the only person who can answer those questions is your friend.

chump

rsynnott wrote:

I mean, have you ever actually met a gay person? We don't all go around molesting our friends.

I've met 4 gay people, and 2 of them tried to molest me. Luckily I fought them off.

I wouldn't let this cloud my judgement of gay people though.

rsynnott

buying out wrote:

thanks guys for all your replies. i do think that some people are been a little harsh. simon 1985, in no case did i say that all my female friends fancy me or in any way insinuate that my mate fancies me. gil_dub hit the nail on the head in regards bringing other people back to the house. If he was open and upfront with me there wouldnt be a problem. however if these rumors are true & i have a strong suspicion that they are why has he not come out and told me?

Because, believe it or not, it's very difficult to tell people. Largely because of society's silly attitudes on this topic.

LegacyUser

buying out wrote:

thanks guys for all your replies. i do think that some people are been a little harsh. simon 1985, in no case did i say that all my female friends fancy me or in any way insinuate that my mate fancies me. gil_dub hit the nail on the head in regards bringing other people back to the house. If he was open and upfront with me there wouldnt be a problem. however if these rumors are true & i have a strong suspicion that they are why has he not come out and told me?

Buyingout I did not say that you ever said all your female friends fancy you or in any way insinuate that your mate fancies you. I was simply replying to what chump said below.

Quote:Originally Posted by chump
Maybe the OP is afraid his gay friend actually harbours feelings for him