Am I being paranoid?

johnsmith

I'm a bit confused at the moment, my girlfriend and me had a bit of a fight before last weekend. I didn't think it was a particularly big fight or anything just a little argument. Anyway she came over on monday evening after college to talk about it. I was a little bit pissed off over the whole thing but I decided that it wasn't a big deal so I was under the mindset of 'lets forget it'. She was thinking the opposite though, she totally went for me, I tried to explain things and she eventually calmed down. She said she wanted some time apart though, I said ok because as far as I'm concerned maybe it was a good idea.

So I got a text the next day asking if I was ok with the 'time apart' thing, I said 'yeah, I understand' and she said 'ok, I'll see you over the weekend or on monday'

So roll on Wednesday, and she tells me that she's gone to Limerick with a few friends (mostly guys). I don't really have trust issues with my girlfriend so that was ok with me. I texted her back saying 'have a good night' and all of that, she replied with something along the lines of 'Yeah, bye'. At this point, I was thinking what's going on, her tone had changed with me.

I sent her a text asking what her intentions were with this 'time apart' thing. I got no reply. I was tempted to call her because I was beginning to feel a little insecure about the situation but I concluded that I was being paranoid and that I'd respect her request for some time apart. So it's thursday afternoon, I gave her a ring about an hour ago and it rang a few times and then she hung up. So I rang her back and her phone is turned off. Which covers everything that's happened up to the present. So she's in Limerick and I have no way of contacting her.

This is all a bit uncharacteristic of her, perhaps I'm being paranoid about the whole thing, I don't know. I know that I'll probably find out what's going on pretty soon but I just want to know how this sounds to everybody else...

chump

She's making you stew.

Just sit it out would be my advice, twil be tough no doubt.

Pigman II

"When someone asks if you're a God, you say YES"!
Winston Zeddemore 1984

"When your gf asks if you're ok with the 'time apart' thing" you say NO."
- me 2006

I reckon you're sunk buddy

Hagar

Maybe the fight gave her the excuse to get out of a relationship that she felt she didn't want to be in. It's not looking too good. Take the hint. Move on.

Gordon

Aye, she's either stewing you or she actually is out to have a bit of fun. The worst thing you can do to yourself is keep trying to contact her.

johnsmith

Pigman II wrote:

"When your gf asks if you're ok with the 'time apart' thing" you say NO."
- Pigman 2006

Seriously, do you think that?
I mean I'd prefer to not spend time apart, but I'm ok with it. When you've been with someone for a year and a half, it's natural to want to spend a week apart. I know I feel like that sometimes as well.

By the way I'mnot sure if it's relevant but I'm 19 and she's almost 21.

Beruthiel

without a doubt
she's making you stew

Nevyn

Did you sort out what type of time apart it was to be ?
Is it a break in the relationship ?
Is it giving each other a bit of space to get your head and heart together so you can work at your relationship?
Are you going to remain physically and sexually faithful while this is happening ?

Or have you been rail roaded into giving her space for her own agenda ?

Fanny Cradock

i wonder about the time apart thing. seems to me like you are delaying the inevitable.

anyway, unless you really wanted a break, you should have said no. i would say that the original suggestion and subsequent text she sent you was a test, which you failed. now you are seeing the consequences. i feel it would be more likely that she is just ignoring you rather than sleeping around.


you have two choices:

if you really want her back, say so and stop messing about with the time apart crap.

if you don't want her back, end it.

Peaadina

I thought i wanted "time apart" nearly 2 yrs ago, when something wise was said to me. "If you need time apart, or to see other people, what are you hanging on to"
This really made me think, and i decided that I really wanted to stick at it, and I am so glad I did.
-Im not trying to be mean, or make you feel worse!
I mean she could of course, be making you stew, and calling for attention, -and she's getting it, or she might have decided to have her cake and eat it.
Hate to say it but you have every right to be worried.

Time apart IMO, rarely works out

Good luck

koneko

Now, I could be wrong, but it sorta sounds like she was testing you.

How it went
her: "I want some time apart I think..."
you: "Ok"

What she was expecting:
her: "I want some time apart I think..."
you: "NO, I love you more than anything, you're the best thing in the world and I will fight for you and our relationship, I love you so much!"
her: "*swoon* I love you too!"

So when you said you were okay with a break, she might not have been expecting that and might be angry because it seems like you want a break?

If that is what she's doing then she's an idiot. It doesn't sound good anyway. If she went away for the weekend after a break, and won't respond to your calls, my gut instinct says something happened, or she's trying to make you stew or feel bad.

Beruthiel

all of what koneko said!

johnsmith

Thaedydal wrote:

Did you sort out what type of time apart it was to be ?
Is it a break in the relationship ?
Is it giving each other a bit of space to get your head and heart together so you can work at your relationship?

No, looking back, maybe I should have specified. I was pretty sure that she just wanted a week or so of space, that's the impression she gave me and I didn't feel like I had to spell out the the terms of our 'time apart'.

Thaedydal wrote:

Are you going to remain physically and sexually faithful while this is happening ?
Or have you been rail roaded into giving her space for her own agenda?

If I find out that anything has happened then I will break up with her because I wont be able to trust her anymore and anyway I don't think I could be with her after she did something like that to me.

It goes withouth saying that i'm going to be faithful until I find out exactly what has happened.

johnsmith

koneko wrote:

How it went
her: "I want some time apart I think..."
you: "Ok"

What she was expecting:
her: "I want some time apart I think..."
you: "NO, I love you more than anything, you're the best thing in the world and I will fight for you and our relationship, I love you so much!"
her: "*swoon* I love you too!"

Yeah, that dialogue makes sense to me. At the time I thought she just wanted time to clear her head and I thought she might appreciate it if I gave her some space.

ravenhead

johnsmith wrote:

Yeah, that dialogue makes sense to me. At the time I thought she just wanted time to clear her head and I thought she might appreciate it if I gave her some space.

Even if she did want time apart - she didn't want you to agree to it so easily. From what youre saying you gave her the impression that you really didn't mind ... sorry but I'd be P..sed with you too if I was her.

alfa147

What ive learned from girls is if ur fighting or chatting over text everything gets lost in translation. girls tend to overanalysis everything u write down to them either by email, letter, text whatever.

It wasnt a wise move to send her away for the weekend pissed off with a bunch of lads. She might end up doing something with one of them.

johnsmith

ravenhead wrote:

Even if she did want time apart - she didn't want you to agree to it so easily. From what youre saying you gave her the impression that you really didn't mind ... sorry but I'd be P..sed with you too if I was her.

Ok, I guess it's the Men are from Mars thing. I did tell her that I loved her after I said it was ok that we spent some time apart, it wasn't the amazing embrace that it could have been in hindsight, but I felt like we were on good terms. I wouldn't have agreed to 'time apart' if I thought that she was still angry with me. I get the feeling that 'good terms' perhaps isn't enough!

So what now? Do I wait until she gets in contact with me or do I try to contact her?

ravenhead

johnsmith wrote:

Ok, I guess it's the Men are from Mars thing. I did tell her that I loved her after I said it was ok that we spent some time apart, it wasn't the amazing embrace that it could have been in hindsight, but I felt like we were on good terms. I wouldn't have agreed to 'time apart' if I thought that she was still angry with me. I get the feeling that 'good terms' perhaps isn't enough!

So what now? Do I wait until she gets in contact with me or do I try to contact her?

I really think that you need to keep trying to get in touch with her, leave a message the next time you ring, let her know that you missed her & that you hope she had a good time & to give you a ring.

johnsmith

ravenhead wrote:

I really think that you need to keep trying to get in touch with her, leave a message the next time you ring, let her know that you missed her & that you hope she had a good time & to give you a ring.

It's ringing out now. She doesn't have voicemail turned on.

Gordon

Surely the fact that she switched off the phone while you were ringing her points to the fact that she doesn't want to be contacted yet? You are being way too clingy imo.

Nevyn

At this stage you best bet is to leave her the hell alone and don't contact her at all.
Let her get in touch with you when the week is done even give it 10 days.
Then sit down and have a talk, be very clear on what you want to ask,
what you want out of your relationship if you are going to still be in one and don't her run the meeting and make the decisions for you.

johnsmith

Gordon wrote:

Surely the fact that she switched off the phone while you were ringing her points to the fact that she doesn't want to be contacted yet? You are being way too clingy imo.

Fair enough, but surely the issue is that she doesn't think I really care. I dunno I'm getting 2 conflicting bits of advice from you and Ravenhead. I'm not sure what to do?!?

ravenhead

johnsmith wrote:

It's ringing out now. She doesn't have voicemail turned on.

OK ... Don't ring back for a while, when is she due home?

johnsmith

ravenhead wrote:

OK ... Don't ring back for a while, when is she due home?

I don't know? I presume she's coming back some time today but I have no idea, she may be back now for all I know.

ravenhead

johnsmith wrote:

I don't know? I presume she's coming back some time today but I have no idea, she may be back now for all I know.

Right the best thing to do (from a gilrs point of view) is to leave it for a couple of hours, send her a text (as you can't leave her a message) basically saying the same thing - 'hi how's things? Missed you, hope you had good craic, give me a buzz'
That's not Clingy, it's nice, it lets her know that you care

Zulu

Sucks to be you. My concern would be: if she's that p1ssed, and she wanted a break - what's her reaction going to be?
All of a sudden being single is great; I don't envy you. I'd leave her off for a few days, but when you are talking to her, find out why she hung up on you. It's rude tbh. (unless you were seriously out of line - which you don't sound to have been)

el tel

If you need to talk to her badly then ring her from a number she dosen't know or cool it for a day or two then withhold your number and call her - you'll have more chance of getting an answer that way.

From what I can tell 'time apart' instigated by a guy means "I want to d1ck about and keep you as a fall-back"

However with most girls "time apart" is about getting space to evaluate the relationship or simply an "I need some melodrama in my existence" thing.

It's all a bit of a head-wrecking no-man's land really. I don't know why people bother with it.

johnsmith

el tel wrote:

It's all a bit of a head-wrecking no-man's land really. I don't know why people bother with it.

I'm feeling that way now. Live and learn, I suppose.

Gordon

johnsmith wrote:

Fair enough, but surely the issue is that she doesn't think I really care. I dunno I'm getting 2 conflicting bits of advice from you and Ravenhead. I'm not sure what to do?!?

That tends to happen, usually when people ask for advice there tends to be at least two conflicting viewpoints on the situation and hence the advice that is given.

It's your job to decide which course of action to take seeing as there is no magic answer written down in the book of life, especially as all such problems are so intricate as they depend on the infinite bits and bobs of a human's character. To be honest, none of us have any idea of what you should do with this particular person so we're just going on our own experiences and extrapolations.

As with many relationship problems - you should really do what you think is best. Anything else is background noise.

LundiMardi

Wait until she contacts you. End of.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Take things easy.

It's Rag Week in UL so she could be in the Stables, the place is mobbed, and she can't hear her phone ringing.

Don't plague her by ringing her, let things cool, and contact her at the weekend. From my experience, maybe she needed time apart because she may feel that the relationship is getting too heavy and serious.

By constantly contacting her, you may reinforce this possible view.

Good luck.

justsomebloke

johnsmith wrote:

So roll on Wednesday, and she tells me that she's gone to Limerick with a few friends (mostly guys). I don't really have trust issues with my girlfriend so that was ok with me.

As yous are on a break do you think that she is still in the mindset of being your girlfriend while being away with the guys. also do you think she would of done anything as i'll show him gesture. How do you think you will feel if she has tested the waters while she has been away. Yes as some of the people have said she may be making you stew but i have a feeling is that maybe she probably hasn't be faithful. However you are going to have to wait. You may be best to give her another day or 2 and then visit her so that yous can talk face to face and try and work things out

chump

I've changed my mind from the 'don't contact her advice' ... contact her once ... she isn't answering your calls, so txt her... and explain to her in the txt that you're a bit upset and just want to know where you stand, and that you didnt want things to end blah blah, then say you wont try to contact her again but you hope she clarifies the situation from her p.o.v ... then leave it at that

muppetkiller

I think someone said it earlier ..just leave her be..otherwise you'll come accross way too clingy..
There's nothing a woman hates more than a man who pesters them...
I should know I do it to women all the time

Otherwise you can pay me 100 yoyos and I'll spy on her for ya...

johnsmith

I sent her a message a couple of hours ago saying something along the lines of "I'm a bit confused about what's going but you obviously don't want to talk to me. Please let me know when you want to talk".

I think I'll just wait...

R-KEANE

This may sound crap but if I was you I'd let her know that you arent prepared to hang on indefinitely and its either back on or not. I think she's asked you for time apart so that she can do the dirt with a clear conscience. I could be wrong though. I've been cheated on before and it really messed me up for a while. If your relationship is this fragile, then I think you should think of it as over. Break up with her. You can tell how she feels by her response. Send her a text message and tell her that way. It wiull put you in the driving seat. This all sounds harsh but anyone that has been cheated on before might just agree with me.

johnsmith

R-KEANE wrote:

This may sound crap but if I was you I'd let her know that you arent prepared to hang on indefinitely and its either back on or not. I think she's asked you for time apart so that she can do the dirt with a clear conscience. I could be wrong though. I've been cheated on before and it really messed me up for a while. If your relationship is this fragile, then I think you should think of it as over. Break up with her. You can tell how she feels by her response. Send her a text message and tell her that way. It wiull put you in the driving seat. This all sounds harsh but anyone that has been cheated on before might just agree with me.

Just to be clear, what she's doing now is completely out of character. I keep searching for reasons like maybe her battery's dead or maybe she has her phone on silent or something but at this stage it's pretty obvious that she's just ignoring me. This whole thing is getting a little bit upsetting for me and I am seriously considering your approach. I can't believe that after a year and a half of being together that she could be so disrespectful to me.

Perhaps it's time I started to smell the coffee maybe an ultimatum is what both of us needs to get this sorted?

What are everyone else's views?
Should I just text her and ask to tell me what's happening or else were finished?
or
Should I wait everything out and wait until she's ready to talk to me?

R-KEANE

johnsmith wrote:

Just to be clear, what she's doing now is completely out of character. I keep searching for reasons like maybe her battery's dead or maybe she has her phone on silent or something but at this stage it's pretty obvious that she's just ignoring me. This whole thing is getting a little bit upsetting for me and I am seriously considering your approach. I can't believe that after a year and a half of being together that she could be so disrespectful to me.

Perhaps it's time I started to smell the coffee maybe an ultimatum is what both of us needs to get this sorted?

What are everyone else's views?
Should I just text her and ask to tell me what's happening or else were finished?
or
Should I wait everything out and wait until she's ready to talk to me?

If you wait, you are letting her be in control. I think you'll earn more rerspect and maybe win her back by telling her its now or nothing. However, I'd be too mad about the fact that she probably did the dirt and could never even look at her again. Relationships are fragile. This stuff happens. But it doesnt mean you have to bend over and take it up the rear. You are responsible for your own problems, dont wimp out.

johnsmith

First of all, I'm not going to be cheated on. If she has cheated on me then it's definitely over. Maybe I'm being naive but I don't think she has cheated on me.

For the sake of argument I'm going to assume that she hasn't cheated on me and she's just trying to make me feel bad or something.

With that in mind do you think that it's still a good idea to approach things like this? I'd appreciate other peoples views as well.

R-KEANE

johnsmith wrote:

First of all, I'm not going to be cheated on. If she has cheated on me then it's definitely over. Maybe I'm being naive but I don't think she has cheated on me.

For the sake of argument I'm going to assume that she hasn't cheated on me and she's just trying to make me feel bad or something.

With that in mind do you think that it's still a good idea to approach things like this? I'd appreciate other peoples views as well.

You dont want my advice because you dont want to beleive the worst. Its still the best approach because you get your pride back. If you lose her after giving her an ultimatum then she doesnt see any reason to stay with you anyway. If I was in yuor situation I'd have already sent a text message saying 'its clear whats going on, I'm not sticking around to be left in the dark like this, lets just call it a day.' You will get a reply. One way or another.

johnsmith

R-KEANE wrote:

You dont want my advice because you dont want to beleive the worst. Its still the best approach because you get your pride back. If you lose her after giving her an ultimatum then she doesnt see any reason to stay with you anyway. If I was in yuor situation I'd have already sent a text message saying 'its clear whats going on, I'm not sticking around to be left in the dark like this, lets just call it a day.' You will get a reply. One way or another.

I never said that I don't want your advice, at this stage I'm thinking that it could be a good idea and it might be the best way to resolve the situation.

I'd just like to hear other peoples opinions as well.

LundiMardi

johnsmith wrote:

Just to be clear, what she's doing now is completely out of character. I keep searching for reasons like maybe her battery's dead or maybe she has her phone on silent or something but at this stage it's pretty obvious that she's just ignoring me. This whole thing is getting a little bit upsetting for me and I am seriously considering your approach. I can't believe that after a year and a half of being together that she could be so disrespectful to me.

Perhaps it's time I started to smell the coffee maybe an ultimatum is what both of us needs to get this sorted?

What are everyone else's views?
Should I just text her and ask to tell me what's happening or else were finished?
or
Should I wait everything out and wait until she's ready to talk to me?

seriously man, forget about contacting her, let her make the first move, she's made her feelings more or less known for now, you can't do anything about it so why bother trying?

One thing i recommend is organising a night out, go the cinema, eat some food, talk some **** and basically have a laugh with a load of mates.. You're not doing anything moping around, why let her **** you over? Don't sit at home sulking for ANYONE!! Even better, send her a text saying, ''ok, i'm going out with the lads now so i probably wont be able to talk tonight, talk to ya tomorrow maybe?''

imho - FúCK HER!

Mr. Presentable

Luni is not far off the mark. Sitting in brooding will do your head in. Text her your going out with the lads and go. Turn off the phone for a couple of days - force her to make the effort. The fairer sex hates to feel its too easy, what they can't have immediately they want now!

Fanny Cradock

you will shoot youself in the foot with an ultimatum. if your relationship is on the rocks, i could only see her reaction being an understandable knee jerk "well **** u".

i don't mean to be a dick, but what did you expect from her after you agreed twice to a break? she is not answering your calls because you are oon a break. however, now you assume she is cheating on you! but this may not be the case. if you feel she is worth it, give her time to sort things out.

you asked in the post if you where being paranoid. for what it's worth, i think you are. well you seem to be easily swayed by people who assume that she is sleeping around.

talk to her and try see what is happening. ultimatiums will only back her into a corner.

you need to figure out if you are both really committed to this relationship.

johnsmith

nipplenuts wrote:

Luni is not far off the mark. Sitting in brooding will do your head in. Text her your going out with the lads and go. Turn off the phone for a couple of days - force her to make the effort. The fairer sex hates to feel its too easy, what they can't have immediately they want now!

I've come up with two options for myself:

1. Text her saying that I'm going to ring her in half an hour and that I expect her to answer it, I'll make it obvious that if she doesn't answer it then I will consider us finished.

2. Don't contact her, wait for her to contact me.

Going out tonight isn't an option. I've got too much work to do for college. I'm definetely going out tomorrow night though.

I'm leaning towards option 1 because at least that forces the situation to a resoloution.

LundiMardi

johnsmith wrote:

I've come up with two options for myself:

1. Text her saying that I'm going to ring her in half an hour and that I expect her to answer it, I'll make it obvious that if she doesn't answer it then I will consider us finished.

2. Don't contact her, wait for her to contact me.

Going out tonight isn't an option. I've got too much work to do for college. I'm definetely going out tomorrow night though.

I'm leaning towards option 1 because at least that forces the situation to a resoloution.

Option 2 is the best, and tell her you're going out anyway;) An ultimatum won't solve anything, let's be frank, what has she really done wrong? think about it...

Fanny Cradock

and what if her phone is switched off?

i'm not sure you have thought this through. leave it for tonight. try tomorrow.

although, both of your reactions suggest that maybe the future of your relationship doesn't look too bright!

The Clown Man

You're wokring yourself into a fluster.

Exactly what was intended I'd say.

Chill out. Put down the phone. Watch some TV. Stop posting here. She'll get onto you.

Then post again and tell us how you got on.

johnsmith

The Clown Man wrote:

You're wokring yourself into a fluster.

Exactly what was intended I'd say.

Chill out. Put down the phone. Watch some TV. Stop posting here. She'll get onto you.

Then post again and tell us how you got on.

You know what, I think you're right. I'm just gonna forget about it for the night. Hopefully she'll get on to me by tomorrow and if not then it'll be pretty obvious where I stand.

Julesie

Hey John,

I'd wait until she gets back in contact with you before doing anything rash like giving her an ultimatum. Like you said this is out of character for her so perhaps her battery has died or she is out of coverage.
It's so easy in situations like these to have imaginary conversations/arguments in your head filling in the blanks with what she might say rather than what she has said. Just remember it has only being 5 hours since your first post... if it is a genuine reason like a dead battery do you really wanting her turning her phone on to 17 missed calls and 10 increasingly desperate text messages. Just chill... and as hard as it is to do wait for her to make the next move. Hope it all works out.

cupsoftea

I agree, try to calm down. You will probably find things aren't half as bad as you think they are. Perhaps you are cursed with a girl friend like me who is just a moody cow sometimes for reasons that are not clear to anyone (even myself!). Now as a moody cow myself I would respond to your text

"I'm a bit confused about what's going but you obviously don't want to talk to me. Please let me know when you want to talk".

very negatively. It sounds like you are angry with your girlfriend when obviously it is all your fault (what ever the problem is it always going to be your fault). So i agree that she is probably stewing, go for option number 2. No way go for option no. 1.
As another option, send her a sweet non- angry text saying something like you wish you were with her and you can't wait to see her again, that you are sorry for making her upset etc etc.