Reading people too well?

LegacyUser

Hi
This isn't that much of a problem but I've recently realised it's probably the cause of me having very few friends. I am an extremely good judge of character and I can sum up someone's character the first time I meet them, find out what kind of person they are, even things like celebrities on TV, I get these vibes about people which are usually spot on. Most of the time this isn't an issue, but I often get an odd feeling about people, like they are hiding something, or there's something about them I don't like without being able to describe it. I know everyone gets this up to a point but mine is really strong. The thing is, if I even get a slight feeling there's something 'off' about someone, I am unable to even pretend I like them, or be friendly to them, which causes problems mostly when meeting friends of friends. I come across unfriendly, but I can't help it or explain why. It's quite embarrassing. I think it may have something to do with the fact I was bullied in primary school and the start of secondary, and learned to recognise certain traits in people or 'fake' people, and my brain says to stay away from them.

My mum realises I do this and says I write people off too quickly without getting to know them based on my instincts. I am sort of glad I'm like this as it will probably save me from dating a serial killer, but it makes it really hard to make friends. What can I do to turn this off when I meet people, or get past it?

AngryBadger

I think maybe you need to lighten up about two things. First off, it isn't necessary to have a million friends, if you have a small but solid circle of people you can trust, what's the problem?

Secondly, just because you get a bad vibe off someone doesn't make them a serial killer, or a bad person. I admire someone who's willing to trust their instincts, which you obviously are, but assuming that everyone is going to be totally upfront about themselves and their life is presumptious. If you get that vibe off someone, so what? it's not like everyone you meet has to be your bestest buddy.

If you can accept different levels of friendship, and that not everyone is going to let you see all facets of their character, you'll find people much easier to get on with.

Also, if you come across as unfriendly, maybe it's because you're being unfriendly? Just a thought...

jimmycrackcorm

What you have written comes across as this to me:

- I believe and have this born psychic gift that is infallible; I don't even have to speak to celebrities to figure them out or hear their side.
- However I have a damaged personality due to child hood bullying hence I pick up on little things that people say or do and warp them into a character analysis.
- unlike most people I am generally not a nice person because I am so unfriendly so often.
- I have no respect for other people - possibly due to point 1 but I think I am better than them and hence don't need to give them a chance.
- I am incapable of understanding the people are very fallible and that what they say or do initially to form an opinion might not be the whole story.
- I'm probably very impatient too.
- I'm slightly paranoid as I am otherwise likely to meet a serial killer out of the billlions of individuals on the planet and so I'll use this defence mechanisms.


Does any of this strike a bell? If you want to help yourself start by a learning a little humility. Realize just how much you come across as unfriendly. Even you mum recognizes you have a fault - but you think it is a benefit instead.

turbot

If you had a decent epistemological basis for understanding people, you might be able to see that people are multi-faceted, and you might be intuitive enough to understand it's your vibe, combined with their vibe, the sum total of which, creates an interaction.

Being able to read people well is a big advantage, and means you can either be extra nice or nasty with precision. It sounds like you might be good at reading, but you've not developed your skills interacting. I'm curious how you know you are really good at reading people, since it seems that you dismiss people immediately. Is it literally that you simply know what they are like? For example; would you always know if someone was lying? Are you confident enough in your ability to bet say, €100 euros to listen to 10 people in a row, and three of whom were lying, and point them out?

People I know who are elite at reading people *and* live well often are good at cheering people up. It's good to have high standards for people especially if you live up to them yourself, at the same time, diversity makes life interesting. If you are too critical, this makes you sound egotistical. If you want to encounter people with better vibes, you have to give out a better one. So be decent and use your skills well, and you might make more friends who you'll cherish forever.

LegacyUser

Wow the judgemental PI folks strike again. Maybe I wasn't clear enough in my first post. I am not nasty to people I get these funny vibes of, but I find it very hard to be really friendly to them, as I am not naturally a fake person, and find it very hard to be fake, which a lot of my friends love about me, but I am well aware it puts me at a disadvantage a lot of the time. Obviously I do my best to try and talk to them, smile etc, but this feeling prevents me from being open with them. I always hold back, which makes them think I am shy, distant, or unfriendly. I am well aware of that. My friends don't understand it at all because I was extremely open with them from the first time I met them, I felt very comfortable in their presence etc.

I never said I couldn't accept people as just acquaintances, or very casual friends, but I would like to have some more closer friends as well. kimmycrackcorm, do not make assumptions on whether I'm a nice person. I have been told repeatedly by other people I come across as a 'good person' whatever it means. I actually sat next to a psychiatrist on the plane a few weeks ago and he felt free to tell me I gave out 'all good vibes' so there you go. I don't think I'm better than anyone else at all, in fact it's the very opposite. I feel inferior to people if anything and that's why I'm so wary of them. I know this isn't a good thing, and being arrogant is probably preferable but I'm just not.

The reason I think this is often a benefit is I can see straight through people. I've warned friends about other 'friends' of theirs, and they later thanked me when I turned out to be totally right.

turbot - it's hard to explain. As I've already said, I am well aware people are multi faceted and therefore am aware it seems ridiculous to get this feeling based on nothing really, but I don't get it for nothing. Obviously it's not always negative, there are people at college nobody likes cos they seem hard, or scary and I feel they're harmless. I'm pretty sure I can tell when people are lying but obviously I'm not 100% sure because I usually never find out if what they said turned out to be true or not.

simu

I don't see why you want to turn this filter off tbh. It sounds like a good way of avoiding getting involved with people who will betray you or annoy you or whatever. If you want more friends, I think you should wait until you meet people you get a good vibe off and try at friendship with them. This might involve increasing the amount of people you come in contact with in general - the more people you meet, the greater your chances of meeting sb who gives off a good vibe and taking it from there, no?

No one is obliged to be friends with anyone else so I wouldn't feel guilty about not being not making an attempt at friendship with people who don't seem sincere to you - being polite is enough.

Chinafoot

Confuzed wrote:

kimmycrackcorm, do not make assumptions on whether I'm a nice person.

No offence but it sounds to me like you're the one making assumptions about people. I understand that you get these "vibes" about people. I'm sure we've all met someone at some stage in our lives and automatically thought "no, i really dont like this person". However, I think that if you are unfriendly to these people then obviosuly they are going to pick up on it and that won't help the situation. There would be bad vibes on each side.

As for warning your friends about people....Maybe its possible that by saying something like "I wouldn't trust her if I were you" to one of your friends, you are putting doubt in their mind about their other friend. This can alter the relationship between them and then lead to a fall out.....one which you may be thanked for perhaps.

I used to make a lot of assumptions about people when I met them, however once I gave people a chance I found that they weren't really what I thought at all. You'd do well to do the same, especially if you are complaining about not being able to make friends. You can't expect people that you have just met to tell you their life story.

You can't expect everyone to be as open as you are and by being unfriendly towards people you have just met you will be causing animosity. By judging people so quickly, you may just be the one who is missing out on what could be a very good friend.

phantom_lord

peachypants wrote:

I used to make a lot of assumptions about people when I met them, however once I gave people a chance I found that they weren't really what I thought at all. You'd do well to do the same, especially if you are complaining about not being able to make friends. You can't expect people that you have just met to tell you their life story.

I'd would have to say the opposite to the quote above. With some people I've taken a strong dislike to people only going on gut feeling and things I pick up, invaribly within a short period of time I've been proved correct about the person.

Id have to say i'm pretty much exactly the same as OP. . With about 90% of people I can judge their character straight off. To the person who asked could the OP make a bet on who was lying etc, that's not what it's about at all. It's just being able to judge someones character straight off, and picking up on things. Why it may help you judge if people are lying it's not really a fair test.

I don't believe in trying to be fake to people to get on with them. And I see right through people when them are, to me it's so obvious when people try to take on personalities that they actually aren't , and it suprises me that most people don't notice it until I point it out.

For the same reasons as the OP i have few friends, but the friends I do have are extremely close friends and great people. I get down about not having many but I realised that it's my fault. I have no problems making friends, it's just that I pick up on people very quicly and judge that I don't wanna be with them. I have to point out that it's not a case that I feel superior to them, rather I just don't like aspects of their chararacter. I kinda realise that rather than be friends with someone and then have something happen in the future I pick up there and then that I don't like this persons character.

I have have made judgements on people very quickly and warned people about being friends with them, in most cases the person I warn defends the other or dismisses what I say, but sometime in the future the person I warned always comes back and tells me I was right.

Chinafoot

phantom_lord wrote:

I'd would have to say the opposite to the quote above. With some people I've taken a strong dislike to people only going on gut feeling and things I pick up, invaribly within a short period of time I've been proved correct about the person.

Well of course you'll be proved correct if you are totally unfriendly. I personally don't take too kindly to people being ignorant to me for no particular reason. Also, you might see it as being proved correct because you simply don't give these people the time of day... so how can they prove you wrong?

Also, nobody is suggesting being fake in order to get on with people. I think there is a difference in being fake and being a bit more open despite the "vibes".

I think that "warning" your friends about other people based on your gut feeling isn't really your place. I wouldnt dare get involved in the relationships of my friends unless I had undeniable proof that somebody had screwed them over.

At the end of the day this is just my opinion. I just think its a bit rich to be complaining about not being able to make friends while admitting to being unfriendly to people you have just met due to "bad vibes".

Demetrius

I think that one shouldnt make snap judgements about people. By and large, most people are decent. I often made snap judgements about people before but then once I got to know them, I found they were quite nice people. Sure, there may be aspects of a persons character that you may dislike but you have to give and take. For instance there are many aspects of my character I dislike and yet some people seem to like those aspects and plenty Im sure some people dislike and yet they put up with me.

arbeitsscheuer

peachypants wrote:

Well of course you'll be proved correct if you are totally unfriendly. I personally don't take too kindly to people being ignorant to me for no particular reason. Also, you might see it as being proved correct because you simply don't give these people the time of day... so how can they prove you wrong?

I think this quote gets to the heart of the matter.

Me? I'm a terrible judge of character. So, I've always practiced openness, giving people a chance, and patience with people I don't know so well.

Now, it just so happens that this policy has hurt me quite a few times, as certain people like to take advantage of such a very trusting persona. But what's the alternative?

If you approach everyone with an attitude of mistrust and deep-seated suspicion, then of course sometimes they'll prove you right... But you'll also miss out on some great people, with character, humour and intelligence.

Put simply, you'll miss out on life.

WhiteWashMan

simu wrote:

If you want more friends, I think you should wait until you meet people you get a good vibe off and try at friendship with them..

of course, getting a good vibe doesnt mean they are good people, or that you are compatible as a friend.

in the same way that getting abad vibe from someone means they are evil serial killers (as feared)..

sounds like a load of rubbish to me personally.
im with whoever put up the list about defence mechanisms.

anyone who thinks they are an extremely good judge of character probably just hasnt met many people.
people whom you have trusted for years can turn around and do things that you wouldnt do to your worst enemy.

of course, if you want to write people off the first time you meet them if they dont bow down at your feet and make you feel all warm and fuzzy, then go for it. although, youll probably come on here and complain that you dont have many friends. oh, now isnt that ironic.....

LegacyUser

To the OP, I just wanted to say that unlike some of the more harsh responses you've gotten I understand completely your "gift". I too was bullied all through school and what it makes you do is sit back and watch, rather than join in and open yourself up to more bullying. I probably spent all my teenage (and some adult) years just watching and listening to people and their interactions. As a result I am incredibly perceptive about people's characters, from body language, how their demeanour towards others etc etc.

I do not have the judgemental problem that you have however. Treat others as you would wish to be treated - no matter what bad vibe you get from them. It's not hard to fake friendliness and it'll make life easier.

Crubeens

'confuzed'....

I don't know how you can be a great judge of character without sticking around long enough for the person to prove you wrong or right. Surely you'd have to get to know the person you've made assumptions about before you know if you were 'spot on'.

Also, I think the fact you feel inferior to people is going to have an influence on how you judge them. People with low confidence will often cast a poor judgement on people in my experience - maybe it's some kind of defence mechanism...?

phantom_lord

peachypants wrote:

Well of course you'll be proved correct if you are totally unfriendly. I personally don't take too kindly to people being ignorant to me for no particular reason. Also, you might see it as being proved correct because you simply don't give these people the time of day... so how can they prove you wrong?

Hold on a sec, I never said I was ignorant to people. And it's not that I don't give them the light of day, it's just that they do something which I expected them to do. I don't treat them badly, I just make a mental note and forget about it usually, and I see something that htey do and I realise I was right in my first judgement.

peachypants wrote:

Also, nobody is suggesting being fake in order to get on with people. I think there is a difference in being fake and being a bit more open despite the "vibes".

I meant some people put up fake personalities and pretend to be different to what they really are. I just meant I see through these people straight away.

peachypants wrote:

I think that "warning" your friends about other people based on your gut feeling isn't really your place. I wouldnt dare get involved in the relationships of my friends unless I had undeniable proof that somebody had screwed them over.

I don't set out to warn them. I only do it if someone asks my opinion on someone, and I don't put say never go near them they're gonna screw you over, I just give them my assessment of their character. Usually it's bang on and they come back and tell me I'm right.

peachypants wrote:

At the end of the day this is just my opinion. I just think its a bit rich to be complaining about not being able to make friends while admitting to being unfriendly to people you have just met due to "bad vibes".

I never said I was unfriendly. It's not about vibes for me. It's picking up actions of how they behave, say, act, just subtle things that most people don't pick up that defines peoples character. It's not some special gift. It's just something you get good at by observing people.

phantom_lord

WhiteWashMan wrote:

of course, if you want to write people off the first time you meet them if they dont bow down at your feet and make you feel all warm and fuzzy, then go for it. although, youll probably come on here and complain that you dont have many friends. oh, now isnt that ironic.....

It's not that. It's more saying that person is x,y and z. And that's the type of person they are. It's not just dismissing people at first sight.

Nevyn

This type of gift can be a blessing and a burden.
But you don't have to be friendly to everyone,
but you can be not rude and be civil.
It can be hard to hold your tounge about friends of friends, some people make friends easily others don't, if you standards are higher then so be it.
Some people don't make casual aquanitces but the people they do befriend they
become a part of thier life.

LegacyUser

What if your wrong though?
What if you caught someone on a bad day, or in a bad mood, and you picked up the wrong vibe from them?
If you never give these people a chance, based on a first impression, you will never know if they could have proved you wrong.
You never know, it might even be nice to be proved wrong.

Zulu

Ever write someone off as being bad, find out later that you read them wrong and they turned out to be one of your best friends? No? ...ah well, just another part of life you'll miss out on. Don't worry though, sounds like you've it all sorted there.

phantom_lord

Zulu wrote:

Ever write someone off as being bad, find out later that you read them wrong and they turned out to be one of your best friends? No? ...ah well, just another part of life you'll miss out on. Don't worry though, sounds like you've it all sorted there.

Nope...cause i get it right first time

WhiteWashMan

phantom_lord wrote:

It's not that. It's more saying that person is x,y and z. And that's the type of person they are. It's not just dismissing people at first sight.

you poor cursed boy.

id suggest that if you have such a problem making friends and the vast majority of people you dont like, then try looking at the one constant thing in all your relationships.
you.

LegacyUser

Wow confuzed, you must be me! Lol i know exactly how you feel, i also have that extremely annoying trait of being able to sum up a person's being after seeing them for a few minutes, it's really very obvious in people, and i can't help it.

I've had loadsa friends in secondary school think i'm just being over-protective of them when i warned them about potential boyfriends/girlfriends and other general stuff.

It's not that you choose to be like this is it? I mean it's just a natural estimation that you automatically sum up when your in a new person's company, and if they seem false or uninterested or up themselves you have a major tendency to push them away and not get involved with them. And you're really determined to make friends with people but they're either uninterested in friendship (friendship as in closeness) or not the type of people you'd like to hang around with.

Well listen sport, it's definitely a curse, cause if you don't shake off those instincts you won't have any friends. Oh and FYI, real lifelong friends rarely exist. People move from social group to social group throughout their lives. The sooner you realise friends aren't for life you might loosen the desperate belt that locks you away from temporary friends.

Sorry it's a bit of a downer post, but meh? Whatcha gonna do, life sucks.

phantom_lord

WhiteWashMan wrote:

you poor cursed boy.

id suggest that if you have such a problem making friends and the vast majority of people you dont like, then try looking at the one constant thing in all your relationships.
you.

But i don't have a problem making friends. And I don't dislike the vast majority of people.

I don't understand what your problem is and why you feel being a good judge of character is such a crime.

LegacyUser

WhiteWashMan you are the one being most judgemental here. Just because you don't seem to have the same gift/curse/ability as several posters here, you just dismiss it and basically are insulting them.

"of course, getting a good vibe doesnt mean they are good people, or that you are compatible as a friend."

Erm, it does actually or have you missed the point of the whole post? I have never gotten good vibes from mean people or vice versa. Then again, who decides who is nice or mean? It's all one's own opinion anyway, based on how they feel when they interact with people. That's why there are 'groups' of friends, people choose to be with people they feel comfortable with and get on with. Getting a bad vibe from someone doesn't give you the right to call them a horrible person, but it gives you the right not to be friends with them.

18_male_galway, your post is just contradictory. You say there's nothing you can do about this, then you say you need to 'shake off those instincts'. I just don't think it's possible to do this. It isn't something you choose to have, or turn on and off. I also don't see why you need to turn it off, if you have friends, and they are good friends. Nobody said anything about lifelong friends, I think everyone knows hardly anyone expects that, but even for 'temporary friends' I like to have people I trust etc. I think it's a good thing to be honest, I've seen loads of people being treated horribly by boyfriends/girlfriends/friends because they couldn't see what type of person they were.

lazydaisy

Its called intuition. Lots of people have it, perhaps even the people who you have sized up well but perhaps they have devleped better social masks so they dont turn people of. Some people devlelop social masks because they are shy and need to survive in this world. It would be wise to do this and is a requirement of adulthood.

Sometimes people are hiding things for very good reasons. That doesnt make them bad. I for one live with a chronic disease which I dont tell people about because I dont want it to affect my employment and also because its no one's business but mine and my doctors.

Also you can see through someone without being judgemental. Perhaps others are intuiting judegmentalism and suspicion from you and therefore dont want to be your friend.

BigArnie

I think this thread is living proof that there are a lot of unstable people out there. It seems like a lot of you are very bitter and judgemental and are trying to disguise it as some kind of passive affliction that you "just can't help".

jimmycrackcorm

I think most people form an impression of a person when they come across them at first. That can include "bad vibes" but generally most people won't jump to that conclusion because they will wait to suss out more or feel that other traits balance out the negativities. I personally can point out a flaw in my best mate which is very irritating and obvious to anyone initially but he more than totally overwhelms that with his positive aspects so I totally ignore that.

It seems to me that people who were bullied in their formative youth are left with an impressionable fear and while thinking for example they have a gift are in effect over sensitive to certain manerisms etc. The inherent fear seems to force these impressions to the fore and gives a sense of being unequivably Correct.

Given the complexity of personality, I think the old saying holds well true that you shouldn't judge a book by the cover. After all how can the OP find out if he is wrong about a perosn character if he doen;t give them the time of day.

Gordon

What's the problem?

If you seem to understand people well enough to understand them completely then you understand that you don't like certain traits about them right? If you don't like these traits then you don't want to see them again, hence it's a bad idea that you switch off your empathy/perceptiveness surely? So this is all for your good I presume as you, presumably, don't want to be friends with such people.

I'm only guessing that the fact that you want to turn off your perception is due to the fact that you want to like people and be liked by people. So isn't it best to utilise your perception super-powers to see the good in people? Because we all have bad traits and we all have good traits. Having friends isn't about knowing people that have good traits but is about being around people you like. And if you don't like people because they are 'fake' or... (well you don't give any other indications other than the fact that people may harm you) whatever then you can't force yourself to like them.

I reckon the problem with you is that you are too quick to judge that someone will be a threat to you so you see only the potential threats.

Why not give yourself a wee goal in every person you meet from now on. Every person you meet - try to find one redeeming quality about them. And if you find that one redeeming quality about them interesting then speak with them about it and see if you can start up a friendly conversation. Who knows, maybe they may see you as less of a threat and want to open up their doors to you too.

AngryBadger

Confuzed wrote:

I never said I couldn't accept people as just acquaintances, or very casual friends, but I would like to have some more closer friends as well.

At the risk of being "judgemental", i still don't see the problem. if you're a good judge of character, surely that makes it easier to decide which people you think you get along with?

mysterious

Confuzed wrote:

Hi
This isn't that much of a problem but I've recently realised it's probably the cause of me having very few friends. I am an extremely good judge of character and I can sum up someone's character the first time I meet them, find out what kind of person they are, even things like celebrities on TV, I get these vibes about people which are usually spot on. Most of the time this isn't an issue, but I often get an odd feeling about people, like they are hiding something, or there's something about them I don't like without being able to describe it. I know everyone gets this up to a point but mine is really strong. The thing is, if I even get a slight feeling there's something 'off' about someone, I am unable to even pretend I like them, or be friendly to them, which causes problems mostly when meeting friends of friends. I come across unfriendly, but I can't help it or explain why. It's quite embarrassing. I think it may have something to do with the fact I was bullied in primary school and the start of secondary, and learned to recognise certain traits in people or 'fake' people, and my brain says to stay away from them.

My mum realises I do this and says I write people off too quickly without getting to know them based on my instincts. I am sort of glad I'm like this as it will probably save me from dating a serial killer, but it makes it really hard to make friends. What can I do to turn this off when I meet people, or get past it?

I understand exactly what you are talking about as I have a simular experience + outlook on first meeting people etc and I would always be cautious too. I am naturally intutive to the point where some people find me threathening, when I was young back in school I didn't know how to control and stop reading into things. Like you I could see things coming and knew straight away what the other the person is almost thinking when being aware etc. I could also predict people's faults and wrongs. I also made enemies lol, at the time I was not sure why I was getting pushed out at differnent situations in the past with other people. I know now, Most people will see that you have a valuable trait, and that you are a good judge of character etc so they become jelous of your natural ability. Sometime its not good judging and scheming their lives, which I have learned from doing that very thing. There are bad and good vibes to everyone and through experience I have learned to look for the good things about people rather than dwelling on the negative stuff of people. Like black and white precisly.

I've learn that people who were bullied and are insecure or you just have this thing that you don't like them "not on the same wavelength to be classical" . Well I figured this out over time, and my theory is that they wish they could be as tactful and intutuve as you so, don't be worrying about what other's might percieve you as, or people who say that you are afraid that you might discover something hidden of that person.

Confuzed wrote:

I was bullied in primary school and the start of secondary, and learned to recognise certain traits in people or 'fake' people, and my brain says to stay away from them

"now that is reading to much" you are supposed to recognise yourself first, if want to know what is it that some people are fake to you. Evaluate FAKE??? 99% of people are fake for all reasons and situations, seriously people might think mary up in Tory Island is fake but her flatmate thinks she has a heart of Gold, Some people might think I'm fake, or my friend my think my flatmate is muppet, you might need to think about what you are reading into , cus that is where your letting yourself down, not others letting you down. Give people a chance and the benifet of the doubt.


The bottom line is to all this accept yourself as someone is intutive, I've heard people say so much: you should not read into things to much, my answer that is
Your either intutitive or not, I.e if you have, you have it, you dont you don't
secondly reading into things that is not there is a waste of energy, something we all might do, but as the OP had said himself he has good judge of character and wit about himself , I say follow and trust it. Though reading into this as oh how do I know etc will just waddle your head.

Whoever said about psychic abilty , is rubbish, I'm not a keen believer in that stuff and frankly its just instinct and being aware what is the subject of matter, like the OP said it was through difficult experiences in the past that has fine tuned his instincts, so let's not confuse things here.:)

nesf

You reading of a person is always going to be coloured by your present mood and state of mind. If you are in a negative mood you'll tend to pick up on negative things in the other person's stance, demanour, words, whatever.

It's not a "gift" or anything. We all have it to some degree or another.

cooker3

Confuzed wrote:

Hi
This isn't that much of a problem but I've recently realised it's probably the cause of me having very few friends. I am an extremely good judge of character and I can sum up someone's character the first time I meet them, find out what kind of person they are, even things like celebrities on TV, I get these vibes about people which are usually spot on. Most of the time this isn't an issue, but I often get an odd feeling about people, like they are hiding something, or there's something about them I don't like without being able to describe it. I know everyone gets this up to a point but mine is really strong. The thing is, if I even get a slight feeling there's something 'off' about someone, I am unable to even pretend I like them, or be friendly to them, which causes problems mostly when meeting friends of friends. I come across unfriendly, but I can't help it or explain why. It's quite embarrassing. I think it may have something to do with the fact I was bullied in primary school and the start of secondary, and learned to recognise certain traits in people or 'fake' people, and my brain says to stay away from them.

My mum realises I do this and says I write people off too quickly without getting to know them based on my instincts. I am sort of glad I'm like this as it will probably save me from dating a serial killer, but it makes it really hard to make friends. What can I do to turn this off when I meet people, or get past it?

You can use this as an advantage, you should play poker. If your that good at reading people then you could make a mint.

Laguna

Confuzed wrote:

Hi
This isn't that much of a problem but I've recently realised it's probably the cause of me having very few friends. I am an extremely good judge of character and I can sum up someone's character the first time I meet them, find out what kind of person they are, even things like celebrities on TV, I get these vibes about people which are usually spot on.

Hold on, you're saying you get notions of celebrities personalities and, I assume, having met every celebrity that you've cast pre judgements on proves you to be right

Confuzed wrote:

Most of the time this isn't an issue, but I often get an odd feeling about people, like they are hiding something, or there's something about them I don't like without being able to describe it. I know everyone gets this up to a point but mine is really strong. The thing is, if I even get a slight feeling there's something 'off' about someone, I am unable to even pretend I like them, or be friendly to them, which causes problems mostly when meeting friends of friends.

Do you realise how judgemental and holier than thou this statement comes across?, have you ever applied your 'gift' to yourself?, here, video yourself and then use your gift to see what kind of a person you are yourself. Are you so perfect that you don't have anything slightly 'off' about yourself?, if you don't you're the first on the earth to be so?.

Confuzed wrote:

I come across unfriendly, but I can't help it or explain why. It's quite embarrassing. I think it may have something to do with the fact I was bullied in primary school and the start of secondary, and learned to recognise certain traits in people or 'fake' people, and my brain says to stay away from them.

Come on now, whilst I appreciate what you went through being bullied as a a child I don't understand how you think your pre judgements on people isn't a form of exclusion which in turn is a form of.. bullying?

Confuzed wrote:

My mum realises I do this and says I write people off too quickly without getting to know them based on my instincts. I am sort of glad I'm like this as it will probably save me from dating a serial killer, but it makes it really hard to make friends. What can I do to turn this off when I meet people, or get past it?

What can you do to turn this off?, IMO grow up, this is the beahviour of a 12 year old child who thinks they're that extra bit special than everyone else, you seem to believe that everyone else has an ulterior motive in their general doings, does this not strike you as paranoid?.

BigArnie

*applause*

pbsuxok1znja4r

Yes. i think the sooner the o.p. stops putting their problems with social interaction down to magical/mutant powers of some sort, the sooner they will be in a position to address what is, as their post indicates, a largely negative perception of other people.

seamus

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you know this yourself. You meet someone, get a bad vibe from them, and so refuse to interact. Thus, they treat you with suspicion, and you write them off as just being another tosser, and huzzah you've proven yourself right. It's a vicious circle too. The more you avoid these people, the more problems you're going to have doing anything, cos guess what? They're everywhere.

All you can do is not be afraid to engage these people. Assuming you're an adult, what have you got to lose? I'm not saying you have to pour your heart out to them, or even initiate talk with them, but if they talk to you, talk with them. You don't have to say anything meaningful, just respond to their questions, and mirror their questions*. That's the art of conversation, and it's how you "make friends".

I can think of a few people that I got a bad vibe from at the beginning, who turned into great mates. People who were load, brash and arrogant (the very type of people I hated in school), yet turned out to be great people. You see, aside from being a blessing, memory has its little curses too. Feeling by association helps our primitive brain avoid dangerous situations, but our higher brains get confused by these signals. Just because someone is indentical in manner and talk to the guy who spat on your jacket and stepped on your head in school, doesn't make him the same guy, or even the same personality.

Until you can realise this, you will continue to be socially handicapped. I do believe that people in general can be split into a few small categories of personality types, but by no means can you exclude all people because they are of a certain type. People just aren't that simple, regardless of how much you think you have it figured out.

I'm guessing you're somewhere between 16 and 21. It's quite normal to feel like this.

*Incidentally, this is something you can learn. You're not born with the skill to talk smalltalk with people.

Slutmonkey57b

Clearly the OP is an unfettered genius, and all the critical comments here are from people who are just jealous of their amazing ability, and wish they could have the same social dexterity.

seamus' last sentance is bang on there. What you're doing is making a decision on what someone is like based on a few minutes' exposure. What you fail to realise is that everyone has good and bad points - the ability to see the bad points quickly isn't a gift at all.

The ability to give people a chance and see whether their good points will outweigh their bad points IS a gift however. But it's one you'll have to earn rather than granting it to yourself as divine right. Everybody makes judgements about people, and a lot of time those judgements are made without rational thought, with "vibes" or by superficial observations.

Example: I once met a mate in a trendy bar with some of his work friends. I hate trendy bars, hate the people who go to trendy bars to look at themselves and was in a bad mood to start with. I started talking to one of the work buddies, who immediately launched into some chauvanistic comment about the women in the bar. I made some blithe expression of disinterest and thought he was a bit of a twat. Within 5 minutes he had gotten me to the point where I was going to hit him with a beer bottle and I walked out of the bar. Was this because I was psychic? Was my judgement coloured by my bad mood and surroundings? Possibly. Or possibly because the guy actually turned out to be a twat. But the point is, I let him dig his own hole on that score - I didn't assume my initial impression was correct and dismiss the guy. He proved what he was by his behaviour.

nesf

seamus wrote:

*Incidentally, this is something you can learn. You're not born with the skill to talk smalltalk with people.

I couldn't agree more. But I'd also point out that you can be perfectly happy without needing the above skill. Personally I think that's missing out, but there's nothing wrong, imho, with not being overly social.

AngryBadger

I'm still waiting to see why the OP feels is the problem.

I apologise if i seem like I'm being overbearing, or judgemental. but it seems to me that if someone is such a good judge of character, then they should have no problem weeding out the people they want to be friends with.

If the issue is, "why are't there more people I gel with", well we all ask that question

Laguna

What strikes me the most is that the OP clearly comes across as feeling that no one measures up to her standards, now, what logical conclusion can one make about the person who feels no one else is good enough for them?..... they feel inadequate themselves.

Ickle Magoo

To OP:

I think everyone has the abilitly to read people and to spot on first sight those that they have the potential to gel with much faster than others - I think everyone posesses that "gift", it's up to you as to what extent you want to use it to make decisions about friendships.....I have taken an instant dislike to people and I try to work out why that is.....9 times out of 10 it is down to me - not them....they may look like a person that has been horrible to me in the past, or talk like someone I used to know and didn't get on with....if you sit down and analyse what it is about these people that you don't like you may find some answers.....everyone is fake to a lesser or greater extent - expecially when we first meet someone......and everyone will prove eventually to be human and fallable by screwing up - that's just human nature as well....but I think we forgive those we like and hold it against those we don't as indesputable evidence of why we didn't like them in the first place!

All I can suggest is to try to ignore any negative feeling and start looking for positives....we all have both traits and it's up to you what you choose to see in people.....dismissing people because you get a vibe isn't really a very good vetting process for making friends & I think people should get the benefit of the doubt....quite a few people I haven't liked on first meeting have turned into really good friends - it was just they aren't very good at making first impressions, they were having an off day, they were drunk & I was sober, etc, etc! :rolleyes: Best of luck in the future!

BigArnie

Jesus, the complexities of some of you guys is baffling. "Well I can understand why you may dislike someone because they wore the same jumper as someone who stole your crayon in junior infants... hmmmm... yah!"

FFS, if you're that much of a fool that you think you've got some magical power that allows you to deduce someones entire personality just by looking at them or talking to them for five minutes then you know what you are? That's right, full of s**t. If you take an instant disliking to the majority of people you meet based on this eerie gift, you know what that makes you? Yep, you guessed it, completely and utterly mentally unstable.

I'm not saying this to be cruel but for God's sake, you've got one life... ONE! Unless you believe in all that reincarnation crap. ONE LIFE. Stop taking yourselves all so bloody seriously and enjoy it. Put things into perspective and realise that your happiness is all that matters and f**k anyone that has a problem with you.

I'm choking on my own disillusionment here with some of you people! Bottom line - if someone gives you an ACTUAL REASON to dislike them - i.e. they do something to wrong you then by all means just ignore them. But stop with this paranoid nonsense. You're only fooling yourself.

phantom_lord

I think most of you have the wrong impression of what he's talking about. Like the guy who said it would help with poker. It's not reading people it's just working out quickly what type of person someone is.

I don't see why you're all attacking what he's talking about so much. I don't see how working out what kinda person someone is quickly is such a crime.

I guess some of it comes from the fact that people don't want to accept the fact that they can be easily pigeonholed. Especially, but not limited to, my age group. Even though most people pigeonhole themselves deliberately, I guess they see it as a way to fit in with people and make friends easier. Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone. It's just something I see particularly in college at the moment.

I kinda find it strange that someone can dismiss this skill or whatever else you wanna call it so quickly. Just because you can't do it doesn't mean others can't. I don't dismiss people or treat them differently because of it. And for that reason I disagree with saying 'just because I expect someone to do something they do it'. I just find it easy to read people, and I'm nearly always right. Sometimes I make harsh judgments on people when I meet them and I wonder why I did it and that I'm probably wrong but then in the future it turns out my first judgment was correct. Of course at the same time people change and sometimes surprise you.

FFS, if you're that much of a fool that you think you've got some magical power that allows you to deduce someone’s entire personality just by looking at them or talking to them for five minutes then you know what you are? That's right, full of s**t. If you take an instant disliking to the majority of people you meet based on this eerie gift, you know what that makes you? Yep, you guessed it, completely and utterly mentally unstable.

Hmmm, he sounds to be the unstable one to me. Why's he so angry?

Who ever mentioned it being some magical power who eerie gift?

Usually it takes less than 5mins to get an overall impression, and while it certainly doesn't apply to everyone, yes peoples character can be partly judged on looking at them. Some people deliberately set out to show off their personality on their appearance, but obviously it's not something you base it all on.

"If you take an instant disliking to the majority of people you meet based on this eerie gift"

People keep making this assumption that if I can judge someone’s character it means that I take a dislike to most people. That's not true.

AngryBadger

phantom_lord wrote:

I think most of you have the wrong impression of what he's talking about. Like the guy who said it would help with poker. It's not reading people it's just working out quickly what type of person someone is.

Personally, i have no problem with someone being well able to judge people's character. I just don't understand why the OP has such a difficult time with something they themselves consider to be a positive attribute.

I'd just like a little clarity as to what the OP is asking for advice on.

sobriquet

phantom_lord wrote:

I kinda find it strange that someone can dismiss this skill or whatever else you wanna call it so quickly.

It's not necessarily dismissable, but it's hard to believe. Claiming to pass judgement on celebrities based on television appearances or whatever and subsequently being validated is quite a stretch. Someone further back also mentioned that a possible explanation is self-fulfilling prophecy, sowing seeds of suspicion with friends. Everybody has bad days or deals with a situation badly now and again, so it becomes true eventually. Further to this, it may be that the sample set the OP judges themself by is self-selecting. By this I mean you might look at the times you turned out to be proven correct and conclude from this that you've an incredibly keen sense of judgement, and aren't sufficiently thorough to take account of (or perhaps even find out about) the times that you were wrong. Beyond that, being able to pass this kind of judgement does seem to presume that everyone is pretty one-dimensional, and also seems to ignore all sorts of environmental factors - for example, I'm a crotchety bastárd when stuck in a car in traffic. Pretty happy otherwise though.

(By the way, to both phantom_lord and the OP, my use of 'you' here is intended as non-specific. I don't know you, so can't really make judgement. It's only teh intarweb.)

phantom_lord wrote:

Just because you can't do it doesn't mean others can't. I don't dismiss people or treat them differently because of it.

Unless I read the original post incorrectly, the issue at hand is that he or she is dismissing people, voluntarily or not, and is treating people differently - and then regrets their lack of friends and/or the resulting alienation.

phantom_lord

sobriquet wrote:

It's not necessarily dismissable, but it's hard to believe. Claiming to pass judgement on celebrities based on television appearances or whatever and subsequently being validated is quite a stretch.

Well i would probably agree with you there about the celebrities...

sobriquet wrote:

Further to this, it may be that the sample set the OP judges themself by is self-selecting. By this I mean you might look at the times you turned out to be proven correct and conclude from this that you've an incredibly keen sense of judgement, and aren't sufficiently thorough to take account of (or perhaps even find out about) the times that you were wrong.

I can't speak for the OP, I haven't really found myself wrong very much.

sobriquet wrote:

Beyond that, being able to pass this kind of judgement does seem to presume that everyone is pretty one-dimensional

Some people I know are pretty one-dimensional, but I'm guessing that's gonna change. But overall most people aren't and you wouldn't be much of a judge of character if you assumed that everyone is.

sobriquet wrote:

Unless I read the original post incorrectly, the issue at hand is that he or she is dismissing people, voluntarily or not, and is treating people differently - and then regrets their lack of friends and/or the resulting alienation.

Yep, I guess I got side tracked when people attacked him so much.

BigArnie

phantom_lord wrote:

Hmmm, he sounds to be the unstable one to me. Why's he so angry?

Maybe next time you should read the whole post in full context and not just the bit you want to comment on. Who said I was angry?

Guys, you DON'T have amazing powers of perception, you CAN'T tell what people are like after 5 minutes unless they do something blatantly out of order and even THEN you can't tell. It's really just that simple. My previous post was blind bewilderment regarding how difficult your 'gift' is making your lives. But I suspect many of you (but maybe not OP) are just paranoid, socially inept f**king nightmares. :eek:

phantom_lord

BigArnie wrote:

Guys, you DON'T have amazing powers of perception, you CAN'T tell what people are like after 5 minutes unless they do something blatantly out of order and even THEN you can't tell. It's really just that simple.

I never claimed to have amazing powers of perception. But yes I do claim to have a good judge of character which has been verified many times over and I'm not gonna believe now I don't cause some guy told me it's not possible.

Actually, what are you saying? That it is impossible to judge peoples character? That you can't get an impression of someone straght away? If your the one who can't tell what someone is like after five mins that I believe you sir have the social problem.

LegacyUser

You have all totally missed the point. You´re so ready to jump all over the OP and say they´re full of crap just because you don´t understand what they´re talking about. Some people ARE exceptionally good judges of character and can sum up a person very quickly and easily. The OP even stated that this is a blessing and a curse at the same time. It stops you from making friends with people who are gonna turn around and stab you in the back, and it saves you from some sketchy situation and I´m not talking about serious killers. Think guys you meet in clubs, etc, a lot of girls make horrible decisions with horrible consequences because they´re rubbish judges of character. Then it makes it hard to be very open and have loads of friends. If the OP thought they were above everyone else, they wouldn´t have posted this as a ´problem´ and asked for ways to get rid of it, or get around it. Most of YOU are the judgemental, dismissive people you are accusing them of being. They stated honestly that it could come from childhood bullying and you attacked them over that. If they had said they were bulimic and cutting themself because of bullying you´d all be feeling sorry and giving them advice.

Sarn

It's about making assumptions. Simply because you get a "bad vibe" doesn't make them a bad person. This initial bad vibe is going to colour your attitude to that person until they make a mistake (hours to years later). At that point you are proven right. It is these moments you remember.

When you get a good vibe from someone you tend to dismiss certain negative things they might do i.e. give them a greater leeway/ benefit of the doubt. You are more forgiving towards them. The person who has the negative impression tacked on to them doesn't get this.

Most people dislike it when it appears that somebody is making negative assumptions about them by distancing themselves or abruptness, whatever. It's a two way system. They may consider themselves to be as good a reader as the other. The person making the assumption believes they have such a gift that they are infallible. The other person sees them as being an arrogant presumptious git. Vicious circle. It is not always the case.

As pointed out above give them a chance.

AngryBadger

LaineyGoss wrote:

You have all totally missed the point. You´re so ready to jump all over the OP and say they´re full of crap just because you don´t understand what they´re talking about....The OP even stated that this is a blessing and a curse at the same time....and asked for ways to get rid of it, or get around it...Most of YOU are the judgemental, dismissive people you are accusing them of being.

Purely in defense of myself, (because i've been asking a lot what is the OP's problem), what is your problem?

-The OP said they considered this a blessing, it helped them avoid jerks
-The OP said they wanted to make more friends
-In my head the resolution of any equation involving these two statesments is that the OP should have no trouble selecting the people they find amenable, and therefore should have no trouble finding friends.

If there's more to this problem, great, let's hear it, but with the information that has been provided the above seems to be a pretty accurate summary of the situation.

At no point, (to my knowledge), did the OP ask for help getting rid of this ability. So what in God's name are you talking about?

Also, going unreg because you want to maintain your anonymity when you have a problem is fine, going unreg just to bitch at people is not.