can someone go through a gay 'phase'

LegacyUser

sorry if this seems a stupid question. it is sincere. i have a brother in first year of college, and about 6 months ago he told my dad he was gay, but not to tell any of us-that he was going to do so himself. i'm his younger sister. my dad spoke to me about it because he knows i'm quite close to my brother-that's how i know, although i'd wondered before if he might be gay.

anyway, he hasn't told anyone, and i asked my dad about it recently. he wondered if maybe he wasn't sure about his sexuality and was keeping his options open- if he came out and then realised he was bi or just going through a phase it would be difficult. excuse my ignorance, but is this possible? i love him and want him to be happy, i just feel bad that he feels he can't say it to us, and wonder what's going on with him.

thanks

solice

Yes, there is such a thing as "a gay phase". Plenty of people go through it, for some it might last a month, others a year or more. Some people can realise that they may be gay in mid-life, or realise that they are straight in mid-life.
My opinion would be just to follow his wishes. Its really cool taht he could talk to your dad about it, i assume that your dad doesnt have an issue with it. You seem like you would be ok if he was gay. If he decides to tell you, be happy for him. If he doesnt, then dont pressure him into it. Thats not a nice thing to do.
Phases do exist though, so if he invites his girlfriend for dinner on St Stephens Day, dont act all weird

UU

Salut!

Gay phases are possible and quite common during adolescence, you know with hormones and all that jazz. Often times it doesn't last very long and the boy / girl maybe just a bit confused about his / her sexuality. I may find out myself that I'm in fact heterosexual in later life but I've never had sexual feeling for girls before but too many for other fellas and I find it is sometimes quite difficult to cover it up when I'm going out but I manage.

Although, sometimes homosexuals have 'straight' phases! An uncle of mine is gay and he actually had sexual feelings for his new female friend from Australia but that was the only time. Did you ever see that programme on gay animals? It was very interesting as most of rams (male sheep) mate with the sheep to reproduce and mate with other rams for sexual pleasures. It looked at swans, cows and of course humans. The documentary concluded that a majority of most species are bisexual. It looked at humans and said that it is possible that most humans are bisexual without realising it and that many humans have experienced a homosexual desire at least but many chose to ignore it and act upon the more dominant heterosexual desire. It was only a theory but it was rather interesting and I'm not sure if I'd believe it.

The advise I can give to your brother is to give it time. He should try experiencing meeting with both boys and girls before saying he is this. If he's in college they may have a gay society. If not, there are many out there.

Bonne Chance!;)

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies. i'll be happy for him whatever he chooses, i just want him to be happy- i have no problem with him being gay, my only worry is that he might be subject to intolerance and abuse at certain points because of it. agree on the bisexual thing- am definitely straight but have felt attraction to girls before, not often, and not as strong as it is toward guys, but it's there alright.

rsynnott

Although, certainly, such phases exists, the simplest solution in generally right. If he's told his dad he's probably been thinking about it for a while. He probably is gay. People know their own minds about this sort of thing, generally.

carbonkid

It could be a phase or not i guess as his sister he just needs to know your there to suppose him no matter what the ture out is.

Dale

Two friends of mine, who are now straight, went through a "phase". Totally natural.

rsynnott

Oh, it's perfectly possible. It's just not the most likely explanation.

azezil

I went tru a gay phase once, but then I found jasis bai!

Dónall

In line with what others have said, yes, the evolution of an individual's sexuality can be amazingly varied.

I would, however, have to say he ought to be careful about how public he is about it as I have found that society in general has great difficulty accepting bisexuality, pansexuality... pomosexuality - whatever you want to call it. And the faintest whiff of homosexuality in a man may have him labelled "gay" for years, perhaps life. It's somewhat different with women as I suppose the same mainstream society that has difficulty accepting a nuanced spectrum of sexualities between "gay" and "straight" for men, finds it equally difficult to conceive of a woman who deep down wouldn't prefer to be with a man, no matter how lesbian she claims to be.

I'd like to illustrate this with my own case. The expression "gay phase" can be an unfortunate one in that it's too often used by anti-gay crusaders to "proove" that there's really no such thing as an essentially "gay man" and therefor try to undermine one of the key tenets of gay and lesbian rights ie anti-gay discrimination is on a par with discriminating against, say, left-handed people.

Anyway, I'm rambling on here. Basically when I was 19/20 years old I decided I was gay, or at least bisexual - I was, I'm afraid, very confused and told different people different things. I'd never been with a woman, not through lack of (clumsy) effort mind you. I had a number of gay flings, by which I mean none of them became a relationship. I was very open about it all to the extent of flaunting it, enjoying the notoriety; this was the late 80's, believe me, the notoriety was very real! It was also very flattering to go from feeling like a complete loser in your sex life to feeling desired and popular and so on.

Anyway, I then left the country. Had my first girlfriend, and then another and then a long-term realtionship with a woman - and so on for years. Without giving it too much thought I had, in what felt like a very natural way, discovered it was women I preferred, and I would have thought that was that....

But then, after over a decade abroad I returned home to Ireland and, completely to my surprise, found that the rumours about me had been rampant in my absence. "Did he hear about X?.. went off to Y! I heard he's married another man there!" And so on..

And some people have been positively insulting. It is one thing people do not forget, sad but true. Just one instance: I was out with my girlfriend and I bisexual guy I knew from my college days drunkenly said something like "What the f**k are you doing with a women!" There have been other examples, but mainly second-hand whisperings. It's been really annoying to be honest. You'd think people would be embarrassed to be dragging up stuff from 16 odd years ago - but juicey gossip doesn't seem to age.

Well, with that off my chest, I would simply stress again that, yes, sexuality is a complex infinitely moveable feast, but do please be careful who you tell - because it may come back at you years later when you least expect it. And if your brother does find he prefers women, a "gay" past may complicate things enormously.

I actually hope people can disagree with me here on some level though! As it is a bit depressing and I do appreciate that it is up to individuals to break the mould of prejudice...

LegacyUser

'Don't worry I'm going through a Gay Phase just now or a Bi phase? Whatever, I've only ever been attracted to woman for all of life but before my 16th birthday lets just say my curiousity got the better of me and I "relieved" myself to a fantasy of men having sex. Does that make me gay? Nope. But I woke the next day feeling anxious and depressed. Then weirdly I started to find that the line between finding guys attractive and woman attractive had become more fuzzy. It wasn't as clear cut as it was before. That was 3 months ago and I'm still paranoid about it. When I watch T.V sometimes I can't honestly say what Character I find more attractive male or female. In school however I only ever check out the ladies. But that nagging paranoia still hangs over me. Although it was worst before when I wouldn't even read a newspaper in case I found one of the men attractive! Sexuality is a very fluid thing, espically in teenage years. Deep down inside your brother probably always "Felt" it without perhaps realising what it was. Of course he could still change, so don't panic! For example deep down I know what I want to do - marry a beautiful woman and have a family and nice home. But just now I'm questioning myself which is entirely normal. My friend went through the exact same thing as I did, it lasted 7 months with him until he came to realise he was straight. Also another 2 guys in my class thought they were bisexual and now they are total studs with the ladies so having a bi/gay phase is possible. But if your brother has already came out to his parents about his homosexuality then as a previous poster said, he probably is gay. No one takes coming out lightly and he must have had to do some soul searching for the answer. So yeah he probably is gay but of course it is possible he might become straight in later life.'

simon06

I'm a 19 year old male and i've always been interested in men. But also females. From the age of 16 i started sleeping with women, thinking i was 99.9% straight. I use to enjoy sex so much with women, I liked the look of guys, but when i hit 17 i slept with a lad for the first time. It was horrible and i was physically sick, i soon got over that and moved to north wales. where ive not slept with a woman since, But many of men. Ive came out to my family/friends as a gay man. But now i find my self masterbating over women, I have alot of girl mates who tease me about sleeping with them. But reality is since that has started happening ive been doubting my sexuality. I really hope it is a phase ive been going through because i want kids, and want to be straight. I dont know what to do.

LegacyUser

amazingly during adolescence I was a confirmed gay...well for 2 or 3 years....and then I lost those feelings and find them hard to comprehend now....is it the hormonal changes during puberty ?

Hmm_Messiah

Regarding your brother, if you are concerned etc then maybe your Dad could broach the subject - but I think he should try maintain the confidence, if you understand me .

If you are close to your brother then you are doing everything right, he'll open up when its right for him (hopefully)

regarding gay phases - I'm in my 30's , in a longterm rship with a great guy, great rship etc, but we bought occasional discuss the possiblity that in the future it would change radically , one or both of us wanting children, and more complicated things. But its not a "phase" its just that sexuality and needs can change . Neither of us would consider ourselves "gay" though - both or previous most significant relationships were with women .

JupiterKid

Yes I think it's possible to pass though phases of attraction to men and women, but the majority of gay men and gay women I know, and I myself as a gay man, came to the (often difficult) realisation of our sexuality in our teens or earlier and have shown no inclination to change to a heterosexual orientation.

I think the gay/straight phase may be more pertinent to bisexuals who may some times prefer men, other times women etc. But a word of warning: labelling being gay as a "phase" is one way that homophobes and anti-gay groups try to undermine the validity of same sex relationships and gay culture generally.

As for the poster who mentioned that they wanted to be straight and have children, you need to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself do you really want to deny your gay sexuality for something that societal bigotry has pressurised you into believing or would it be better to accept your sexuality and begin to lead a happy, fulfilling life as a bisexual or gay man instead?

It seems to me that there are a lot of people out there - especially young men - who say they fancy guys and have a "gay phase" but lo and behold go back into the closet and then claim to be straight later on, but continue to seek gay sex in their "hetero" married life, cheating on their wives. This is very very sad.

Too many people are using the excuse of "phases" for denying their true sexuality and attempting to rationalise that denial. It's sad to see in this, the year 2007 that internalised hohophobia is still to powerful.:( :mad:

azezil

JupiterKid wrote:

It's sad to see in this, the year 2007 that internalised hohophobia is still to powerful.:( :mad:

*whips out his +7 sword of gay virtue and has at this internalised homophobia*
YOU SHALL NOT PASSSSS

moridin

That's not a sword az, and no amount of wanting to skewer people with it will ever change it :P

shoegirl

Well it does happen. Sexuality isn't as black and white as people like to think - either way!

But it is a very individual thing and it is certainly difficult in the early years and can take many years to settle into what is likely to be a long term sexuality. I know for me it took about 6 years or more.

On the other hand, yes, I do have friends who spent 2 or 3 years living exclusively in gay relationships before moving into long term heterosexual relationships (and even marriages). Its perfectly normal. Just as normal as it is for people to find after many years of what are sometimes perfectly happy marriages to find that their sexual tastes have shifted totally.

gcgirl

Personaly i don't really think that we should tick ourselves in to boxes most of us are prob bisexual anyway i know i am! guys do it for me and women do it for me it just broadings the playing field!

dan1234

Ok well this is pretty weird. Im 17 and ive been whit my girlfriend for a year and a half and i love her..i know i do and i remember how intense the love felt at first when we met, when we had sex everything was normal. But for some reason lately ive been wondering if i am gay? I cant get that damm idea out of my head everyday i wake up and i keep thinking what if i am gay? what if i am gay am i gay, am i gay, on the other hand when i kiss my girl it feel good and when we start to make out i get very horny and i love having sex i alwayse think of a girl when i see myself having sex, when i see a women that is atractive i want to have sex whit her,i alwayse masterbate to lesbian porn, when i check porn i want to have sex whit the hot blonde whit the big tits. I saw something on the net to find out if your gay, it said When you see a guy do you imagine yourself having sex whit them it never had happen before since the day i read that, now everyday when i see a dude i think of the thing i read and i "how to know if your gay yah if you want to have sex whit them, then i get the tought and it disgust me and it still leave me to a confused state.. Its seriously freaking me out i see gay's everywhere and i dont like it. I love my girlfriend and i want to have children and do my life like i alwayse wanted. Since i saw that thing online i cant keep thinking about gay stuff, Hell i even checked gay porn and it felt very ackward and wrong. But then again i wake up and i think of am i gay? am i gay? am i gay? I know i am not but i cant get that idea out of my damm head im tired and i want to feel like i felt before 100% hetero now for some reason i feel trashed and confused. Sorry if you have a hard time understanding what i am saying. I am a french canadian and english is not my language.

PS: It might be me just going into some sort of gay phase or Paranoia phase because its very weird but i think it shocked me when i saw that thing online and i keep on thinking about that.

Reflector

hey dan1234,
it's normal to think "am I gay" but I think that you are not. I have many friends who went through the same thing and then grew out of it just as many gays are with girls until they settle on men later on. you're thinking about it too much. part of you might be curious but from what you've said I think that you are straight. just relax. you sound really stressed.

dan1234

Thx for the advice. its a bit hard to relax cause i keep thinking about it, i cant get it out of my head. any relax tips? lol

azezil

Have sex with a guy.

Boston

Pretty much everyone questions their sexuality from time to time. You're going out with a woman but you've never experience what being with a man is like, so how can you know you really prefer women over men? Thats the source of your question. Truth is you won't know without trying something. All the "gay tests" in the world can't replace experience.

But does it really matter if you know you have these strong feelings towards your girlfriend? If someone was able to tell you tomorrow that you're gay, what would change? You'd still love her, you'd still be attracted to her, you'd still want to be with her in all the ways a couple are together.

No one is ever 100% comfortable and confident in their sexuality even those that have experience all manner of sexual activity. So my advice would be to cut yourself some slack and stop worrying about the question, because the answer really doesn't mean that much.

LegacyUser

i think there is something as a gay phase. i think im going through it or i might just be bi or bi-curiose (spelt wrong).

P!nk

There is such a thing as gay phases, but if he told your dad I'd assume it isn't a phase. Loads of people get girl crushes or boy crushes, I think its because most people have some degree of bisexuality in them. When I first came out all those years ago my friends thought it was a phase, my mother still does But I have a girlfriend now for the last 2 years, still going strong!!

LegacyUser

Hi guys, this following post is real, and not a joke. Please help if you can.
Im a guy aged 14. For many years, i have been extremely attracted to women, searching vids on the internet. but over the past month, I've been having a few worries, about whether I'm straight or not. I still search vids of the women and im still just as attracted to them, but sometimes, i have weird homosexual thoughts. whenever these occur i shrug them off in disgust. I've told my dad about these thoughts and he has no doubt that I'm the straightest person alive :P. He knows I'm straight, and i hope i am heterosexual also. And im deeply wishing that all these thoughts are just a phase.

Anyone got any reassuring comments to help me out?
I hope all this is just a silly phase that will end eventually.

LegacyUser

Hi, Im looking for some advise. I have myself completely stressed out and really
feel I need to get someones opinion on this.

Last year I married the love of my life and we just had a gorgeous baby boy a few
weeks ago. I am completly infactuated by the 2 of them.

Just before the baby arrived, there was a gay scene on the tv and it made me really
uncomfortable. I have never been the most confident guy in the world and it really
freaks me out that this made me so insecure. I smoked way too much dope in college and
I remember getting stick off my housemates saying I was gay and I have always been
very guarded since. I am basically having thoughts like dan123 describes and have
convinced myself that because it makes me so insecure that i must be gay.

I can honestly say that I am not attracted to men and am completly attracted to my
wife and always love foreplay and sex with her. Anytime i watch porn its always
straight porn and really turns me on. I dont want to say anything to my wife as I
will freak her out and also she is in a place where she could suffer from post
natal depression and I need to be strong for her and my son.

I just want to get my self confidence back, start enjoying myself and not be
so stressed about this. I really dont want to turn out to be this bigotted man
because of my own insecurity and I think Im a fairly liberal person and believe
in live and let live.

Can anyone offer me any advice.

Thanks

Annasopra

unreg_user_123 wrote: »

Hi, Im looking for some advise. I have myself completely stressed out and really feel I need to get someones opinion on this.

Last year I married the love of my life and we just had a gorgeous baby boy a few weeks ago. I am completly infactuated by the 2 of them.

Just before the baby arrived, there was a gay scene on the tv and it made me really uncomfortable. I have never been the most confident guy in the world and it really freaks me out that this made me so insecure. I smoked way too much dope in college and I remember getting stick off my housemates saying I was gay and I have always been very guarded since. I am basically having thoughts like dan123 describes and have convinced myself that because it makes me so insecure that i must be gay.

I can honestly say that I am not attracted to men and am completly attracted to my wife and always love foreplay and sex with her. Anytime i watch porn its always straight porn and really turns me on. I dont want to say anything to my wife as I will freak her out and also she is in a place where she could suffer from post natal depression and I need to be strong for her and my son.

I just want to get my self confidence back, start enjoying myself and not be so stressed about this. I really dont want to turn out to be this bigotted man because of my own insecurity and I think Im a fairly liberal person and believe in live and let live.

Can anyone offer me any advice.

Thanks

I don't see what the problem is really - you're not attracted to men so its not an issue at all if you ask me

baby and crumble

As Johnny said, I don't hink you're gay- you don't talk about being attracted to men, or wanting to experiment in any way. And sometimes sex scenes will make you uncomfortable, simply because you can't related to them. I'm like that with some sex scenes, they seem weird to me, especially straight sex scenes, because I don't 'get' it. But you just have to remember you have a wife, a kid, and it's ok to feel uncomfortable about homosexuality, so long as it doesn't cross the line into abusive or intolerance. Not everyone has to think everyone else is a-ok.

Freiheit

I had a gay phase at about 15 when I was deeply in love with a guy at school....my breasts even swelled a little (obviously hormones during male puberty)...but amazingly it did pass.........

Dwn Wth Vwls

You can't be gay if you're not attracted to men. It's really a mandatory component of being a gay man.

You're scared that being uncomfortable means you have buried feelings. Even if that were somehow true, as unlikely as it is, it doesn't mean you're gay. There's no reason a flip would switch in your mind and suddenly you don't find your wife sexually attractive anymore. If you did have some hidden feelings, then you'd just be bicurious or bisexual.

I'd suggest three things.

1) Try accepting that it makes you uncomfortable. Sit in your discomfort. Watch Brokeback Mountain or something, and just think about why it's bothering you. (If you want a happier film, there's one called Shelter about two surfers.)

2) If you have no gay friends in a couple, try looking a bit further afield in your social circle. Make an effort to put yourself in some social situations with them. If you see that they're just a normal couple like anyone else, it might take the edge off your discomfort. I presume straight sex scenes don't bother you, gay scenes shouldn't be that different.

3) When things settle down, mention it to your wife. Say that it makes you uncomfortable, and you worry that you're homophobic. (There's no reason to say that you worry you're gay.) Keeping secrets makes everything worse. Saying it out loud may make you realise you're being silly.

stephen_n

Personally I don't like the word phase as it conjures up thoughts of something a child will grow out of and I don't think that is accurate. Sexuality for some people is a fluid state, they are never really one or the other, society wants to put people in neat little boxes so the word phase is used when it's quite possible the OP will have those feelings at many different points in his life, neither state of sexuality is a phase.

Yeah sexuality is not something written in stone really. Every single one of us has an internal list of things that we are attracted to in other people.

These things differ from person to person and these things are physical and mental. They are also not always set in stone, though some are as hard wired as the need to breath sometimes and some can vary over time with changes in your own age, desires, maturity and more.

For me much of the sexuality divide over whether a person is “gay” or “bi” or “straight” etc. comes from the fact that more often than not one particular sex ticks so many of those boxes for that person, that they will only likely be attracted to people of that sex.

Can a “gay” man ever be attracted to a girl though? Of course, if he finds one that ticks all his boxes.

Can a “straight” girl ever fall for another girl? Totally, and it happens all the time. I am currently living with two partners, girls, who are also with each other. They love each other very much but neither has ever ever been into girls before or since. They just happened to find in each other something they never did elsewhere.

So… there are many possibilities with the “gay phase” from your brother. It may be that the boxes he currently wants ticked are mostly ticked by guys. This could change, or maybe it will not. Alternatively it could be that, like my girls, he found one or more people that ticked all his boxes who happened also to be a guy and he thought, “I must be gay so, because this is the person for me”.

I often wonder how many people, like the girls, have been "straight" all their lives and then found someone who ticked so many boxes that the person in question was literally cut up about it inside. “Am I gay… what are these feelings…." must be horrible questions of uncertainty to ask yourself. The lucky few get to actually explore it with the person, and maybe even enter a relationship, but I feel for the ones who have it all locked up inside and do not know what any of it means.

Without more information I guess you will never know if it is either or neither of these.

LegacyUser

hello again.

just want to thank ye for yere time and replies.

just to let ye know how things are panning out, someone recently asked me had I OCD cos of something I was doing. it was never said to me before so I had no idea what it was. when I checked it out online it was frightening how many of the symptoms I actually had. I don't think I have the compulsion part but I've always got really intrusive thoughts that upset me and I can't seem to let go of them and really beat myself up for having these thoughts. I really thought I was going insane with some of the thoughts I was having and couldn't say them to anyone cos they would think I was crazy. I've starting reading more about it and so much makes sense to me.

I know it's not just gonna be a flick of a switch to sort my head out but I know where I'm at now.

I didn't want to ignore yere replies so once again thanks for them.

best of luck to ye all.

Nevyn

Don't self diagnose from reading stuff online, go talk to your dr about your concerns.