Married man.....

LegacyUser

Right going unregid for this one, basically a few weeks ago i met up with a guy, and found out after the second meeting that he was married and had kids. I know i should walk away and not even second guess this one, but we have met up a good few times, and i can see myself falling for him.

Of course a part of me already knows nothing is going to become of this but we seem to just enjoy each others company. I know i should walk away and find a better situation for myself, and find a better future...

by the way, hes 38 and im 25....

i know what you ll all say, but i keep finding myself going back, its just nice.

Right...what would you do ? fallen for a guy, hard to walk away know the right decision, but cant seem to put thought into action....

Nevyn

IF he is not sperated and he is still in a relationship with his wife and living at home with her and the children then yes you need to sit down and have a good hard think about the impact of dating him.

IF he has broken up with his wife and is seperated and/or has moved out of the
family home then he is fair game.

Don't let yourself and your entanglement with him be a sympthom of troubles in his marriage.

Vangelis

If you fell for him and engaged in a relationship with him,
would you be able to face his wife and children?

sobberandclean

ur digging a hole for urself thats only going to get deeper and deeper.
i was in a simalar situation with A married woman
teres plenty of fish in the sea . just start doing the dating game in circles of your own age friends.
think of the kids and could you met them what would you say if you met them and could you handle if he asked you to take them onboard your life.

Zebra3

Please walk away from him.

You are 25!!!!!!

Surely there are so many better things going for you at 25 than wasting your time on someone who is 38 and shackled?

BeardyGit

Vangelis wrote:

If you fell for him and engaged in a relationship with him,
would you be able to face his wife and children?

With the utmost respect, I don't think that's really the question to be asked. I'd wonder more about the level of trust the two of you could ever have with each other.

We have to make an assumption here, unless you can confirm otherwise, that he's still playing the part of husband/father. Would you trust any other man (or woman) who's in that position if you heard he was messing around?

It's flattering to be approached by anyone that you'd consider attractive....But that shouldn't get in the way of your principles. Trust your gut instinct, follow it and you'll do the 'right' thing. You weren't given the full picture first time 'round. He told you second time you met....If he's still married, living with his family and so on, you'll only end up being hurt. If he just tells you that he's separated/having problems/not sleeping with the missus or whatever, that's not good enough. For you to pursue this 'relationship' you should really have something more firm than this mans word. He's not behaved in a manner that would suggest he's in any way trustworthy so far, from what you've told us. I'm not standing on any soapbox here - Just confirming what you're probably already thinking....

Don't forget that up to this point, it's his fault you're in this predicament. From here on out....You're just as responsible for any negative consequences of your 'affair'.

Chin up, you'll work it out yourself - We're just a sounding board of sorts!

Gil

Zaph

If he's cheating on his wife, the likelihood is that he'll cheat on you at some future stage of your relationship. Do you really want to be in the same position that his wfe is in now? Save yourself a whole world of pain by walking away from it now, before you become too deeply entangled.

LegacyUser

Get out now while you can... I did the something similar at 17...fell for a 27 year old who was engaged, he got married a year later. Tried to stop again and again, but I was in love with him.

Finally got out of it at 29...12 years too late

LegacyUser

ye he s still with the wife, he works up in dublin during the week and then goes back down to her at weekends. he said things have been tough and they barely speak, a part of me always find s that hard to believe but then he says something or does something that makes me sometimes think he s not lieing.
I know i should walk away, but maybe a part of me is thinking well there is no one else on the scene at the moment, so thats why im still sticking with him. I know thats harsh in itself, but i do really like him aswell, im just very confused.

BeardyGit

You're not *that* confused. You don't know what goes on when he's home at the weekends. The only information you get is what he tells you and let's be brutally honest here - He's the kind of unfaithful letcherous git who'll cheat on his wife while she's at home looking after the kids.

I'm a bloke who's very unfortunately come across many of my friends messing with a bit on the side. I can tell you that, hand on heart, there's very little that a 38 year old married man living away from his nagging missus, moany kids and wallet busting mortgage, made worse by a wandering dick doing his thinking for him, won't do if he thinks he's going to get some regular action from a 25 year old play-mate when he's mile from home.

Now that may sound harsh but you can curse me and mumble all you want. You make the decisions about what you do but I'm hoping you're asking for advice here so you can take stock of the situation and get some external perspective on this situation. We can all tell you that what you're getting involved in is an unsavoury and tasteless engagement. We can tell you you'll be hurt. We can tell you to stop and think. But unless you're prepared to face up to exactly what it is that you're doing, we're all wasting our time. This sh*t is a user - Plain and simple. And maybe you're open to the idea of being used, because it suits or whatever. But that's just a cop-out really. You and I, hell, everyone here knows it. Have some self respect and give yourself the credit that you deserve. You came here because you know it's not right and you want someone to help you do the right thing. Well, here I am - Saying it straight, just the way you want to hear it.

Now maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe you want to have a massive regret in the future. Maybe you want to stumble blindly into a situation where you lose and he wins. If that's the case then it's been fun....Good luck to you and hopefully you'll learn to forgive yourself in the future. If I'm right, you'll step back from this NOW and learn to value yourself as much as you should. You're better than this. Make the decision you know is right and give yourself a pat on the back, stand proudly, and know that you're not 'that type of person'. Forget about what the wife or kids will feel if they find out. Forget about what he tells you happens when he's home at the weekends. None of it matters. Just think about you here. Do you want to be his 'bit on the side'? Is your self worth so little that you'll settle for that? If it is, you'll get less than you deserve....

I hope, sometimes against human nature itself, that people will do the right thing and show honour, strength and self respect. You've already done *something* that you really regret. I don't know anyone who doesn't have some real regrets as a result of what they got up to by the age of 25. But this is something else entirely. The way you deal with this situation will, to a great extent, define you as a person for the foreseeable future. I'm not talking about how other people will view you - I'm talking about how you'll think of yourself as a person.

Think long and hard about this one. The decision's yours and yours alone. All any of us can do it give you food for thought (even if it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth! )

Good luck,

Gil

Lex Luthor

My advice would be to get out now before you actually DO fall for him.

It's not helping his relationship with his wife & kids at the weekend if he's got something going on with another girl during the week.

I would guess he is just exaggerating his situation about his wife with you.

Your choice.....

secret_squirrel

This could go one of 2 ways for you. He leaves his wife and kids and you end up together long term. Or he strings you along possibly for years until it all ends in tears. Only you can judge which one is more likely.

BUT drawing on my 30 odd years of manhood I can tell you unless he is very exceptional (good or bad) his attitude would be something like this :

Im with a gorgeous 25yr old whose in comparison to my 38 yr old worn around the edges, stretch market saggy breasted wife looks abosolutely fantastic and is flushed with the sexiness of (relative) youth. Physically, sexually you are probably everything his wife is not.

Mentally, Spiritually, emotionally you probably dont even register on the same scale as his wife. They have years of connections both good and bad and that generally generates a significant bond. They also have kids - another bond they have.

If you are lucky thats all your man is - a guy who is making hay whilst the sun shines. Men can be pigs, its part of our make up.
If you are very very lucky your man is seperated and looking to start a new life with a new woman and he is attracted to you personally, not to your youth so he can relive his.
If you are unlucky the man is a callous user, who is abusing both you, the wife and the kids, and it will all end in tears.

Only you can decide which he is and what you should do - good luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for speaking your mind, thats what im looking for. Your all right, i dont know whats wrong with me.

Thing is i know im been so stupid about this, and i should walk away, i dont know what im playing at. Im after meeting friends and they are all after saying exactly the same as you.

A major part of me feels that im with him, because all my friends are begining to settle down, and a part of me feels im going to be left on my tod ( even though im only 25 ). I know this is been silly, but my confidence is quite low, as in my opinion im not the skinniest lass going, so my mind goes into overdrive.

ill stop ranting anyway, thanks for letting me all know your thoughts, any other s will be well appreciated.

Capt'n Midnight

bit of a mess wrote:

ye he s still with the wife, he works up in dublin during the week and then goes back down to her at weekends. he said things have been tough and they barely speak, a part of me always find s that hard to believe but then he says something or does something that makes me sometimes think he s not lieing.

Being away all week may be the cause of the "tough times" or a symptom. He is already living in Dublin during the week so he doesn't have to move out, just stop going home. So if he hasn't left her by now then he probably won't. So you could just be his bed warmer during the week.

Your being a good bit younger is probably a big ego boost to him too.

The best predictor for the future is the past. You have to accept that he will probably cheat on you too if there were future problems.

LegacyUser

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

So you could just be his bed warmer during the week.

Your being a good bit younger is probably a big ego boost to him too.

The best predictor for the future is the past. You have to accept that he will probably cheat on you too if there were future problems.

Thing is, this may or maynot sound a little strange, but because of the doubt i have been having, i actually have nt slept with him, so its not a matter of this all been about sex. We have just been talking for hours and fooling around for a good few weeks now. Its just nice, it might sound silly, but i just dunno anymore.

Airblazer

was going to be nice and explain the situation as others have described it but what the hell..this is the time for brutal honesty.
You are what is called a homewrecker..you are dating a guy who's married and with kids..ignore the excuses about how nice it is,two play the game,he's in for it as well etc etc..after 2 dates you knew and you still didn't break it off...if it was the other way around and you were the wife I wonder what you'd be calling her????
nothing too nice I think and the above would be one of the mildest!!!!

LegacyUser

Airblazer wrote:

was going to be nice and explain the situation as others have described it but what the hell..this is the time for brutal honesty.
You are what is called a homewrecker..you are dating a guy who's married and with kids..ignore the excuses about how nice it is,two play the game,he's in for it as well etc etc..after 2 dates you knew and you still didn't break it off...if it was the other way around and you were the wife I wonder what you'd be calling her????
nothing too nice I think and the above would be one of the mildest!!!!

very harsh, considering nothing has happened !!..... but thanks for your responce, i probable half expected that kinda responce from the begining.

Nasty_Girl

Anyone i know who's gone into a relationship with someone who's with someone else (happy or not!) has ended up having huge jealousy, commitment and trust issues.

Just something to think about.

Sure he could leave his wife for you in the morning, but who says he won't happen upon some 18 year old a few months later...

Or if ye have a fight will he be all "I left my family for you and this is the thanks I get etc..." or will he go running back to her once ye're in a "real" relationship and he can't take the commitment?

Just some stuff to be aware of.

*Oul_Doll_Cork*

bit of a mess wrote:

Of course a part of me already knows nothing is going to become of this but we seem to just enjoy each others company. I know i should walk away and find a better situation for myself, and find a better future...
QUOTE]


You have already anwered you own question!... My guess is that you know its wrong what you are doing and you just need someone to confirm that it is better that you walk away...
.... So... bit of a mess... walk away now or you will be a right mess!

Big_Dirty_Pig

yer man is probably lonely when he's away from his family, not an excuse but still a reason.

Do you think its gone too far for you to just be friend with him?

Mr. Presentable

Don't delude yourself - there's almost no chance he'll leave his wife and kids for you. What he will do, however, is string you along as far as possible. So, if you're happy to be the other woman, with no security, no permanence, go for it. He'll be happy to have you. So long as you never threaten his relationship with his kids.......



For your own sake, get out.

LegacyUser

Big_Dirty_Pig wrote:

yer man is probably lonely when he's away from his family, not an excuse but still a reason.

Do you think its gone too far for you to just be friend with him?

well he s surrounded with friends that he works with when up in dublin, as they all stay together aswell...so i doubt he s lonely. He s told me himself and the wife dont interact at all, they hardly speak, and yes i know thats proabable bull**** and i probable shouldnt believe that, but a part of me really does believe its true, just by little things he s said or done....silly i know.

ye i do think it s gone to far to just be friends with him.... if i say i cant do this anymore, i know i cant see him again, and thats maybe why im finding it so hard.

Airblazer

bit of a mess wrote:

very harsh, considering nothing has happened !!..... but thanks for your responce, i probable half expected that kinda responce from the begining.

sometimes it can help hearing someone else saying it..but you know you're probably better off without him

UberNewb

zaph wrote:

If he's cheating on his wife, the likelihood is that he'll cheat on you at some future stage of your relationship. Do you really want to be in the same position that his wfe is in now? Save yourself a whole world of pain by walking away from it now, before you become too deeply entangled.

He could be cheating on both of them right now! :eek:

WhiteWashMan

bit of a mess wrote:

Right going unregid for this one, basically a few weeks ago i met up with a guy, and found out after the second meeting that he was married and had kids. I know i should walk away and not even second guess this one, but we have met up a good few times, and i can see myself falling for him.

Of course a part of me already knows nothing is going to become of this but we seem to just enjoy each others company. I know i should walk away and find a better situation for myself, and find a better future...

by the way, hes 38 and im 25....

i know what you ll all say, but i keep finding myself going back, its just nice.

Right...what would you do ? fallen for a guy, hard to walk away know the right decision, but cant seem to put thought into action....

hey, if you are enjoying it, then good for you.

just remember that his wife and kids wont be happy, and remember that when he is not with you, he still screws his own wife.

is_that_so

I agree with most of the other posters on this.

As it stands this will not go anywhere. As time goes by you'll find yourself sucked into it, expecting something to change then one day you'll be 35 or 40 and all that time will have passed. He has to confront his marriage problems assuming that they exist.

He may lie about that and probably will but unless you confront him with a possible future - i.e. with you, he will do nothing. If you can't do that then you should walk away now and if he won't do it then it is time to move onto to other things. Unless you're happy to live in the shadows.

Either way what you have is a sham. It may be fun and you will probably get some very good times out of it but one day one of you will wake up from the delusion.

It cannot be a real relationship based as it seems to be on the failings of his own marriage. Remember at the moment you are not his family.
He at least has that much.

bp

imagine that your dad did that to your mam and how you would feel about the "other woman" when you found out.........that would be you and (sorry to be harsh even if you are "just fooling around") you would be breaking up a family. he may go "fool around" with someone else if/when you end it with him but at least a child's lack of father wont be your fault!!!!

you seem to have made up your mind for the better so go with that......walk away, there are pleny nice (unmarried men out there) and yeah your mates may be in serious relationship mode but they mightn't last, enjoy being young while you are still young and single cause all too soon it will be gone!

Zebra3

One other thing...

Remember who he'll be spending Christmas and his birthday with for at least the next five years.....

RainyDay

Could you look his kids in the eye when they are about 13-15 and justify your actions?

Dragan

Don't go out with him.

He has a wife and kids and you would be really low for evening thinking about it.

Sure, the chances are if it nots you then it will be someone else, but if i was you i would think about that one too.

Do you really think this guy gives a rats about you are are you just a fling??

Deal with it, he's a lowlife scumbag and your being used.

annR

>>and a part of me feels im going to be left on my tod ( even though im only 25 ). <<

You *will* be left on your tod if you waste the rest of your twenties being someone's bit on the side. If you're worried about not having a man, go and find one who's available, as this guy is never going to be with you.