The Late Late Show from Hell

DublinWriter

You know the way at the start of every Late Late Show Pat Kenny always says “We have a very special show lined up for you tonight”? And you know the way that feel like you want to believe him, but deep down you know he’s lying?

Well, grab your Prozac, it’s the Late Late Show from Hell!:

Here are my suggestions for the most banal guests and acts that could be booked.

Could you do better?


Theme Music.

First guest: Brendan O’Carroll. “Jaysus Pat, it’s been a mad year…mad year” etc etc. Brendan promoting his live DVD, range of novelity condoms and non-existant Broadband service.

First act: Some bizarre Canadian ‘comedy’ mime act no-one’s ever heard of and will hear of again called “Mimè DeCoeur”.

People watching show at home who realise they’ve gotten the French pun of their name suddenly get panicky feelings about just exactly where their life is leading if they are stuck in on a Friday night watching this.

Ad Break

Middle act/guest: Westlife come on in choirboy dress, sing a cover of Cliff Richard’s ‘Lord’s Prayer” followed muted applause and audience shot of corn-fed 70-something up for the weekend from Mayo sporting a tweed jacket, comb-over and Pioneer pin.

He looks upwards when he spots himself on the studio monitor, nudges his pudgy companion, smiles, and displays teeth like the ones in that scary poster that warned about the dangers of plaque you saw when you were a kid in the dentist's waiting room

Pat meets and greets boys and they chat for 10 minutes on how pressures of fame and fortune lead them to find God and their subsequent musical redirection from Rat Pack to Religious.

A tearful Nicky comes-out about his Strepsil addiction.

Ad Break.

Second guest: Bill Cullen. Cullen promoting book “More Penny Apples” about the hardships and difficulties of owning the sole Renault franchise in a country racked with lucrative government contracts for state cars. Talks about his charitable work and the “rare aul’times”.

Phone competition for new Renault. Bill pulls card out of tambola. Pat rings number on card. Rings for 30 seconds. Ring-ring. No one is answering. Ring-ring. Floor producer makes cutting gesture across his throat off camera. Dejected Pat decides the car will be a ‘roll-over’ for next week. Bill quips that hopefully it literally won’t be. Pockets of audience laughter. Pat introduces next guest, saying hopefully her jokes will be better than Bill’s.

Deirdre O’Kane. National Grid encounters surge as thousands of kettles switch on. Mintues later the surge dies down as thousands of others mutter “screw this” to themselves, switch off their TVs, and decide to head out to catch last orders.

Ad Break

Final Guest: Gerry Ryan, promoting autobiography “Ryan’s Air”. Kenny remains slightly prickly during the interview, secretly peeved that Ryan earns 200K more than him. Truculant Ryan talks about family, how Ireland has changed and his early days in RTE. Interview intercut with pictures from his book showing his daughters and younger pictures of him when he only had the one chin.

Theme music.

RTE ar leaba for another Friday night.

Pigman II

In fairness there was one classic bit that I saw (on last nights show).

Prat had Rich Hall on last night and Hall was in the middle of cracking jokes about Limerick being 'Stab City'. when Prat suddenly interupts him stating 'Rich, did you know that *slight giggle* the Mayor of Limerick was tired of the place being called 'Stab City' *increased giggle* so he declared that people should instead call it 'fab city'. Anyway, *building giggle* in the papers the next day the headlines read "Two men fabbed in Limerick last night .... " *bursts out laughing for about 15 seconds straight*

<pause>

Rich Hall : "Eh .... yeah" (followed by the slighest of rolleyes.)

Summed up my attitude to Prat completely.

pork99

I only saw the last couple of minutes of Rich Hall with Kenny last night - poor Rich just looked so uncomfortable. He looked as though he'd just realised he'd woken up in the land of the pod people.

Alan O'Partridge indeed.

Cabaal

DublinWriter wrote:

Here are my suggestions for the most banal guests and acts that could be booked.

Could you do better?

lol, I just read your discription of the show and then I read this bit
I thought it was actually a real show
.
.
.
I'm serious

Dr. Dre

DublinWriter wrote:

You know the way at the start of every Late Late Show.........

...........RTE ar leaba for another Friday night.

That's some good comedy right there

Though my version of the nightmare would have more of the z-list Irish "celebrities" Twink, Eileen Reid, Fiona Looney etc.. *shudders*

Lump

Did you write a letter of complaint to RTE, or did you just come on here to bitch and moan? Buy a DVD, go to the pub, actually complain to RTE and they may listen to you, hell get a job in RTE and change it yourself!


John

DublinWriter

Lump wrote:

Did you write a letter of complaint to RTE, or did you just come on here to bitch and moan? Buy a DVD, go to the pub, actually complain to RTE and they may listen to you, hell get a job in RTE and change it yourself!

You're kidding aren't you?

RTE as a policy will not inform licence payers where transmitters are physically located in the country (see Richard Logue's site for detail of this!).

So with that in mind, do you think that they take complaints seriously?

Actually, if I was going to complain, I'd complain to Renault, Nestlè or Kellogs.

RTE receive 75% of their revenue from advertising, 25% from the licence fee.

So who do you think they'd listen to first? Licence payers or their big corporate clients?

See my posting a few months back called "RTE Couldn't Find it's Own Arse with an RTE Arse Finding Machine" for a wider 'critique' of RTE. This one was just specific to the LL show.

Our problem as a nation is that we don't complain enough and have put up with shoddy semi-state enterprise for far too long.

And yes, like the vast majority of people on here, I come here to bitch and moan about things in this country that simply aren't up to scratch.

But then again, you're a moderator, you should know that and respect the broad church of views people express on here without you yourself sounding like you've just had a raw-nevre tweeked.

SprostonGreen

DublinWriter excellent post, could easily be a genuine show.

johntf008

DublinWriter wrote:

Our problem as a nation is that we don't complain enough

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhh. Ha.

sceptre

Jumpferjesus wrote:

Hahahahah<snip>hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhh. Ha.

We whinge to each other rather than complaining to people who might be in a position to do something about the thing that aggrieves us. We whinge too much and don't complain enough.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

Prat had Rich Hall on last night and Hall was in the middle of cracking jokes about Limerick being 'Stab City'. when Prat suddenly interupts him stating 'Rich, did you know that *slight giggle* the Mayor of Limerick was tired of the place being called 'Stab City' *increased giggle* so he declared that people should instead call it 'fab city'. Anyway, *building giggle* in the papers the next day the headlines read "Two men fabbed in Limerick last night .... " *bursts out laughing for about 15 seconds straight*

oh come on, that's ****ing hilarious

Lump

I'm a moderator?!?!? Since when? I am open to your views, but I'd be more open to them, if you did a CC of your post over to RTE.


John

true

The last Late Late show I watched was about three weeks ago, when Kenny had Gerry Adams on by himself, for what seemed like an hour. There was no other guests to question Adams, and Pat sopped up to him and kept telling him how great he was. Cringing. And to think advertisers pay to advertise during this crappy show. No wonder everyone else switches over to other channels on Friday night now.

pickarooney

true wrote:

The last Late Late show I watched was about three weeks ago, when Kenny had Gerry Adams on by himself, for what seemed like an hour. There was no other guests to question Adams, and Pat sopped up to him and kept telling him how great he was. Cringing. And to think advertisers pay to advertise during this crappy show. No wonder everyone else switches over to other channels on Friday night now.

Might have been funny if Adams had mimed, with Brendan O'Carroll doing his voice, like in the good old days. Kind of.

Agent Orange

I really wish people would stop slagging off Deirdre O'Kane.

Not only is she drop dead sexy and beautiful, she is extremely hilarious. She has more talent in her little finger than you could ever hope to have. Her next film is called 'Boy Eats Girl' which sounds fantastic.

Deirdre, if you're reading, get in touch.

Mr. Presentable

I understand ALL her talent is in her little finger

fade2black

I think Deirdre is quite good actually. My idea of a late late show from hell would be a whole episode in tribute to Ronan Keating.

Agent Orange

My Late Late from Hell would be a show dedicated to Twink. Guess what's on tonight?

Mossy Monk

lol

i saw an ad for it tonight :eek: :eek:

Cabaal

Agent Orange wrote:

My Late Late from Hell would be a show dedicated to Twink. Guess what's on tonight?

fade2black wrote:

I think Deirdre is quite good actually. My idea of a late late show from hell would be a whole episode in tribute to Ronan Keating.

Can't we have both?
A late late show special?

Flukey

The real Late Late Horror Show would be a Daniel O'Donnell tribute. Of course it'll never happen, as they don't do shows to people who have brought as much punishment, pain and suffering to the world as he has.

Cork

Brenden O Carroll? He encouraged me to use my remote. Adams? Not being a supporter of physical force in colflict situations also saw me heading for the remote.

But it was on agan last night. (Monday)

A special tribute to Twink?

How many cds, dvds, books etc has this lady sold?

The Late Late has become missableand forgetable.

It is time that this turkey gets the axe.

overdriver

DublinWriter wrote:

You're kidding aren't you?



But then again, you're a moderator, you should know that and respect the broad church of views people express on here without you yourself sounding like you've just had a raw-nevre tweeked.

There are an AWFUL lot of moderators here...

Chong

Cork wrote:

Brenden O Carroll? He encouraged me to use my remote. Adams? Not being a supporter of physical force in colflict situations also saw me heading for the remote.

But it was on agan last night. (Monday)

A special tribute to Twink?

How many cds, dvds, books etc has this lady sold?

The Late Late has become missableand forgetable.

It is time that this turkey gets the axe.

I flamin hate that woman.

Flukey

You may well hate Twink. On the other hand a lot of people do like her. I suppose it is a geneartional thing. Younger people would not particularly like her, but probably have not seen a lot of what she has done. She is very versatile and has been in the entertainment business a long time, so she must be doing something right.

Fysh

Flukey wrote:

You may well have Twink. On the other hand a lot of people do like her. I suppose it is a geneartional thing. Younger people would not particularly like her, but probably have not seen a lot of what she has done. She is very versatile and has been in the entertainment business a long time, so she must be doing something right.

Whatever it is she's doing right, it wasn't her singing. Nor her daughter's. Although in fairness the daughter was just bland and forgettable, whereas Twink butchered the song she "performed" at the end of the show. I also note with some amusement that she will, within a few seconds, give out about the press hounding her during her marriage breakdown, and then use the Late Late to try and give her daughter's career a boost.

Wheels

Her daughters trousers were very tight... you could see all sorts of lines and shapes, and why did Twink change clothes halfway through the show?

Flukey

I think there is a big difference between the media hounding people in the way she spoke about it and in giving publicity to someone in relation to their career. Intruding on their private life such as they did was over the top. They could do some reporting on it and get some comment from them, but the lengths that the media go to at times is a bit much, as it was in this instance.

Fysh

Flukey wrote:

I think there is a big difference between the media hounding people in the way she spoke about it and in giving publicity to someone in relation to their career. Intruding on their private life such as they did was over the top. They could do some reporting on it and get some comment from them, but the lengths that the media go to at times is a bit much, as it was in this instance.

Yes, but the reason they do it is because Twink's name sells. You'll notice that Twink doesn't complain for one second when her name is enough to get the Late Late Show to promote her daughter's frankly unremarkable voice (I mean, why? It was supposed to be about Twink, not her daughter's nascent and probably doomed singing career), and I was pointing out that I would have sympathised with her had it not been for the speed with which she changed from paparazzi victim to media whore. I mean, speaking honestly, what has she done that's so amazing? Seriously? Her entire career, as far as I can tell, has been far more dependent on clever marketing and use of the media than actual talent or skill. So for all that she whines that they camped on her doorstep when she was having her marriage split up, it's that same press that put her where she is. Without them, she'd be working in a pub somewhere and nobody would give a damn about her.

Jesus, it seems to the be the celebrity delusion of the week that you're allowed to make use of the press to whore yourself all the way to the top, but that you can also somehow be special and entitled to privacy the second you decide it suits you. It's bad enough with the cult of celebrity pervading pretty much every form of entertainment and art around the place, without these poxy petulant fools deciding that they're actually really the victims of the nasty press-man. :mad:

Mossy Monk

Fysh wrote:

nobody would give a damn about her

do they now?

Flukey

Fysh, sure the media does good things for her and she is perfectly entitled to use them. That still does not mean she can complain about them when she feels they are doing something. She is hardly going to say "They are peeking in at my window here in the privacy of my home, which is awful, but that is OK because they have helped my career." Any of us would complain about someone doing something wrong even if that person has done good things at other times for us.

There are different parts of the media and it was not the Late Late Show people that were peeping into her house. Many celebrities are hyped up by the media, but they all start from somewhere and they all have at least some talent - though in some it is hard to spot it - before they come to the attention of the media. Someone like Twink, who has been around for a long time now, isn't there purely down to the media.

2 Espressi

Flukey wrote:

The real Late Late Horror Show would be a Daniel O'Donnell tribute. Of course it'll never happen, as they don't do shows to people who have brought as much punishment, pain and suffering to the world as he has.

Nope, they just give them their own show!

Shrimp

Worst Late Late = One dedicated to Twink.. oh wait there already was one..

DublinWriter

Flukey wrote:

You may well hate Twink. On the other hand a lot of people do like her. I suppose it is a geneartional thing. Younger people would not particularly like her...

Dude, I'm on the wrong side of 35 and I think she's prehistoric. And I mean prehistoric in a scary Maureen Potter way.

Flukey wrote:

...but probably have not seen a lot of what she has done. She is very versatile and has been in the entertainment business a long time, so she must be doing something right.

Failed girl band in late 60's then straight into panto at the Gaiety. Am I missing something here? At least her former bandmate Maxi has a radio show (ok, so it's on RTE 1 at 5am) and can sing better, but what from my consendsed CV is missing regarding Twink?

Flukey

What's missing? A lot. If you watched the show, you'd have got some of that. She's been a singer, dancer, comedienne, TV personality, actress and much more, as well as the panto. As you are under 35, you would not know much about her. Maureen Potter was someone else who had a very long and distinguished career. You may not have heard much of them or seen them, but nevertheless they and many others out there have long been in the entertainment business. Maureen Potter's death marked the end of a very long career going right back to a time when showbiz was very different, through to the modern era, and she survived all that and still kept her profile. Many of today's big stars won't be still going in 50 years time, you can be certain of that.

overdriver

Flukey wrote:

What's missing? A lot. If you watched the show, you'd have got some of that. She's been a singer, dancer, comedienne, TV personality, actress and much more, as well as the panto. As you are under 35, you would not know much about her. Maureen Potter was someone else who had a very long and distinguished career. You may not have heard much of them or seen them, but nevertheless they and many others out there have long been in the entertainment business. Maureen Potter's death marked the end of a very long career going right back to a time when showbiz was very different, through to the modern era, and she survived all that and still kept her profile. Many of today's big stars won't be still going in 50 years time, you can be certain of that.

He said he was the WRONG side of 35, meaning he's older. As am I, and I'm not the hugest fan either. I've met her a few times, and she's nice enough, but sadly, is under the impression she's a bigger star than she actually is. The main problem seems to be that her act is a very old-fashioned one by today's standards. The "jack of all trades and master of none" syndrome kicks in here strongly. To describe her as a comedienne or a singer is to describe McDonalds as a restaurant - technically correct, but we all know it ain't!

You're correct about many of todays "stars" not being around in 50 years. I wouldn't give most of them 5.

Fysh

Flukey wrote:

Fysh, sure the media does good things for her and she is perfectly entitled to use them. That still does not mean she can complain about them when she feels they are doing something. She is hardly going to say "They are peeking in at my window here in the privacy of my home, which is awful, but that is OK because they have helped my career." Any of us would complain about someone doing something wrong even if that person has done good things at other times for us.

Speak for yourself. If I were as apparently talentless as Twink is and achieved something of the fame she has, I'd be a bit more careful about lambasting the press that helps me maintain my flagging career, since I obviously wouldn't make it on talent alone.

Take Bono for contrast - yes, he's a sanctimonious git sometimes, and takes himself too seriously quite often, and his attempts at other industries than music have been iffy at best. But on the other hand, he puts effort into trying to help third world countries (and gets publicity out of it, too) and is famous chiefly for being the singer in what is and has been one of the most famous rock bands in the world for the last twenty odd years. I haven't read every interview he's done, but I've not heard him complain like Twink has about the invasiveness of the press, and he gets a lot of crap as a result of his perceived sanctimoniousness.

Flukey wrote:

There are different parts of the media and it was not the Late Late Show people that were peeping into her house. Many celebrities are hyped up by the media, but they all start from somewhere and they all have at least some talent - though in some it is hard to spot it - before they come to the attention of the media. Someone like Twink, who has been around for a long time now, isn't there purely down to the media.

I refer you back to the question we've asked repeatedly : What is she so famous for? It's not comedy - I've head more mention of her from comedians than I have about her career, and considering the size of the irish comedy circuit that says quite a lot. She was in a panto? Whoop de freaking do. I've been in pantomines before (and yes, as a lead character too, before you ask) - it's really not that big or clever. She was in a girlie band in the 60's? Wow. Watch me care. Whatever talent she had, she evidently doesn't have any more. "TV Personality"? That fecker Ryan Turdbridy is a "TV Personality", for christ's sake - as far as I can work out you need to have a talent and personality excision before they'll consider you for the job. It's certainly nothing special, especially when Gaybo is probably the only "TV Personality" in this country that was ever genuinely popular. And as for her acting career...wow, that one scaled the pinnacle of Mount Nowhere, didn't it.

I'm utterly serious here - if all her achievements are, as you seem to suggest, in the past, why the hell should I care? What has she done that is in any way remarkable or worthy of note in the last ten years? I'd like specifics here, because I genuinely don't know and haven't a clue why this talentless old biddy was paraded on TV for an hour as if she was the salvation of Irish entertainment.

Now. You may argue that there are different levels of media, and superficially that is true. However. Is the Late Late a "personality" show, where we get a succession of people who are famous for reasons of varying merit and they get to publicly blow their own horn (and not in the entertaining way - hell, that might actually attract viewers)? Yes, it is. Therefore, it is a part of the cult of celebrity that our society is so fascinated with. And hey - paparazzi photographers from the gutter press are also part of the cult of celebrity. In for a cent, in for a euro. You don't get to pick and choose what bits of celebrity you want or don't want, any more than you get to tell the Pope why he should abolish Mass on Sundays because it wrecks your head after a night out on the town.

And yes, the celebs we get today won't last long because they're also useless talentless knob-ends. I'm getting a pretty good idea where they might have learned the trade (or rather, where the managers might have gotten the idea from, since most of them are puppets anyway). No, I don't think I'll see Mickey Joe on the telly in ten years, but it's my sincere hope I won't see Twink there either. Ideally, I'd like to see someone talented there to entertain me, but apparently that's too much to ask for...