i dont know what to do 2

cajun_tiger

i'm all over the place on this matter,
i'm seeing this guy and i've never been happier. we aren't going out, but i now want something more, i love him so much too much, i know he'll never love me, he's lazy and a bit of an a$$ he gets me so angry lately,
i'm on the phone and i'm shaking coz i'm angry and sared of what i'm goin to say next...

Dr. Loon

What exactly is your "issue"?

I am MAN

Just leave it and forget about him.

He's lazy
bit of a muppet
You think he'll never love you

Why bother?

Memnoch

cajun_tiger wrote:

i'm all over the place on this matter,
i'm seeing this guy and i've never been happier. we aren't going out, but i now want something more, i love him so much too much, i know he'll never love me, he's lazy and a bit of an a$$ he gets me so angry lately,
i'm on the phone and i'm shaking coz i'm angry and sared of what i'm goin to say next...

okay, first off, calm down, take a deep breath, count to ten. Getting angry or mad won't get you anywhere.

If you really feel this strongly, then you need to decide what you want.

Are you okay with your current situation? do you want something more? how much are you willing to "sacrifice" in order to be with him?

At this stage you still have a few options.

1) Stay with him and try to SLOWLY move things along, by meeting up more often etc etc, maybe thinking about making it an "exclusive" deal etc etc. In the hope that it bears fruit, though you might just end up wasting your time

2) Meet up with him and be honest about your feelings, that way you might get rejected straight out, but it will be less painful in the long run and at least you will know where you stand.

3) Just accept him the way he is, and try to have fun without getting obsessed with where it is going to "go", and maybe something will come of it.

I've always been one for the "honesty is the best policy" approach, however you may feel the need to approach it more subtly. Certainly to me however, it sounds like you are at breaking point, so something somewhere needs to give.

Also remember, this guy probably has no idea how strongly you feel. So i doubt he is trying to intentionally hurt you.

cajun_tiger

Are you okay with your current situation?

no

do you want something more?

yes

how much are you willing to "sacrifice" in order to be with him?

not much more given so much already


i don't know whats wrong thats the problem i'm gettin upset at everything he does and says i cant stand his everything he irritates me and pi$$e$ me off to no extent i use to be so happy until recently i dont know whats changed he doesnt want me to know and it hurts i feel like i'm dying in side

The Clown Man

In fairness:

You had a good relationship when he was trying to be as nice as possible so you'd be with him.

You have a bad relationship now because he is now letting the mask slide and his real self is showing.

Point is, now that you know him better you have found out that he is not the right match for you. Everyone has their own facade when they meet someone first. He had a good facade. You liked it. But it turns out you don't like the real side of him.

So you're not going to see the facade any more. And you don't like what was behind it. So why the hell would you stay with him?

pretty-in-pink

ok cajun, you confused me,

i can get how relationships can be total headf**ks, and i can get how people can wreck your head when they blow hot and cold.

however in the same breath you have sadi you love him, you have never been happier and that you are pissed off with him, and I quote


"i'm all over the place on this matter,
i'm seeing this guy and i've never been happier. we aren't going out, but i now want something more, i love him so much too much, i know he'll never love me, he's lazy and a bit of an a$$ he gets me so angry lately,
i'm on the phone and i'm shaking coz i'm angry and sared of what i'm goin to say next..."

tbh it sounds like obsession, but I might be wrong, some questions:

1) Has anything ever actually happened between you, and if so what?
2) Does he have any idea how you feel about him?
3) Has he ever given any indications as to how he feels about you?

If you really feel so on edge just leave the situation because you could end up saying or doing something you regret

The Corinthian

cajun_tiger wrote:

i'm all over the place on this matter,
i'm seeing this guy and i've never been happier. we aren't going out, but i now want something more, i love him so much too much, i know he'll never love me, he's lazy and a bit of an a$$ he gets me so angry lately,
i'm on the phone and i'm shaking coz i'm angry and sared of what i'm goin to say next...

Right. Assuming you’re an adult and not some annoying schoolgirl with a crush, the two of you most likely have fsckbuddy type relationship. It’s been going on for a while and now you want to change the rules of the game.

(Fsckbuddies are like milk, you can go to the fridge and grab a glass every now and then, but eventually you’ll pour yourself one find that they’ve gone off while you were tucking into the cheddar.

All right - not exactly like milk, but you get the picture.)

If this is your scenario, then it is most likely that he will actively discourage any real relationship. However this is not the situation in all cases. Only 95% of them. He may want something more meaningful with you, but has to come around to the idea of it first. So to a degree, don’t push too fast (but don’t stay hanging on too long either). Happened to me once, and I would have gone for the relationship, except she freaked out when I hesitated (and admittedly jumped for cover) and left.

cajun_tiger

i do love him
i love who he is
i just cant take the sh!t he deals me

so last night i gave him two choises
me and me alone
or anyone he wants but me
he's giving me my answer today he wanted some time to think which i liked

but we then ended up in a physical pushing and shoving
(me being the one who started it)
then i hit him real hard in the chest and he punched me back

Beruthiel

cajun_tiger wrote:

but we then ended up in a physical pushing and shoving
(me being the one who started it)
then i hit him real hard in the chest and he punched me back

you should not have hit him, but he most certainly should not have hit you back, I doubt you could ever be truly happy with someone like him.
this is not a healthy relationship, I doubt it ever will be.
you many have strong feelings for him, but if you leave now and never see him again, in 6 months time you'll be thanking your lucky stars. A few months of pain now is better than years of it later.
a

Dr. Loon

Beruthiel wrote:

you should not have hit him, but he most certainly should not have hit you back, I doubt you could ever be truly happy with someone like him.

Beruthiel, this is a bunch of arsé. She hit him, but he shouldn't hit back? C'mon!

some annoying schoolgirl with a crush

This is exactly what it sounds like to me.

Beruthiel

Dr. Loon wrote:

Beruthiel, this is a bunch of arsé. She hit him, but he shouldn't hit back? C'mon!

no he shouldn't
why?
because as a bloke he has much more strength,
I have already said she shouldn't have hit him, it was a very stupid thing to do on her part as she brings the arguement up to a level she cannot possibly win, she obviously did it in anger, which is no excuse (it certainly wouldn't be accepted from a man as an excuse) - but he should have walked away -
I am of the firm belief that she should never see him again as a relationship like that is distructive and nothing good will come of it.

The_Bullman

Beruthiel wrote:

no he shouldn't
why?
because as a bloke he has much more strength

So you know the two people involved?

I'm assuming that you do, otherwise you made the assumption that he is bigger and stronger than her. So what about the men who are physically abused by their "weaker" partners

Equality my arsé

logic1

I agree 100% that the argument men are stronger than women thus shouldn't hit back is hypocritcal and antiquated in the exteme, alas that's a different topic maybe more suited to humanities.

However to the point in hand you're currently in a co-dependant self destructive relationship. No good will ever come from this.

Get out now and take time to heal then move on.

.logic.

Quigs Snr

A woman should not hit her boyfriend/husband whatever, but regardless, a man should never, never hit a woman (Maybe if a pair of pikey women are beating up your granny in front of you there is a case), but in a scenario like this, its just wrong.

Take the punch, walk away. Let the other person calm down and feel silly/guilty, let them feel remorseful, don't put yourself through it too. She'll more likely think twice the next time. You have already been hit, hitting back doesn't change that.

Men are stronger than women, I have coached men and women in sports before and the strongest women were often weaker than the weakest men (and I am talking BIG girls here), the womens higher body fat too means they bruise badly and easily. Its not right. If you are abused by your partner, you should walk away, male or female. If its a regular thing, never come back. Simple as that.

The Corinthian

cajun_tiger wrote:

so last night i gave him two choises
me and me alone
or anyone he wants but me
he's giving me my answer today he wanted some time to think which i liked

Congratulations, you have successfully lost him there.

He may agree, but that will simply be delaying tactics that will fall apart within two weeks or he’ll tell you to piss off. I would go for option B myself.

Dr. Loon wrote:

Beruthiel, this is a bunch of arsé. She hit him, but he shouldn't hit back? C'mon!

"How much fame, money, and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face." - P. J. O'Rourke

uberwolf

logic1 wrote:

Get out now and take time to heal then move on.

seriously.

violence in a relationship is not good.

Boggle

He hit you back? If he actually has a loose enough temper to lose it long enough to hit you then walk. Imagine what he'd be like in 5 years if he's already willing to hit you now... If you are this fcuk'd up at this stage what is the point of staying together anyway?

Dr.Loon wrote:

Beruthiel, this is a bunch of arsé. She hit him, but he shouldn't hit back? C'mon!

Would you ever hit a woman? I certainly would not, no matter what the cause. Regardless of 'EQUALITY' its just wrong to ever hit a woman. (Wrong to hit another bloke aswell btw.... unless the muppet deserves it!)

cajun_tiger

i know i was in the wrong and i shouldn't have hit him. it was the only way i could get through to him. i don't care if i've ruinned it now because the damage is done and the problem is that he'll never forgive himself and i'll never forgive myself..
he is bigger and stronger than me but i'm not a weak little girl, but i just can't understand him...

by the way how it lead to me hitting him was he lied about saturday night he blew me off after we made plans to do stuff together.. when i was trying to fix his phone a msg came in and up on the screen
"i've booked the room for saturday night cant wait"

i had asked him pior about this certain girl who turns out to be a 50yr old woman and he said to my face that he wasnt seein her or havin S$x with her. but he is thats why i got angry and pushed him away from me he came after and i pushed again he then pushed me and it went like that for a bit then i push him hard in the chest more of fist push and he then punched me in the jaw.

koneko

Why start a new thread instead of replying in the other?

If you didn't want him to hit you, you shouldn't have hit him first. If he lied to you, you say go fuck yourself and you move on. This whole relationship just sounds bad, I haven't seen you post anything that makes it seem worth being in. Move on is my advice (and also work on that anger thing, hitting people is bad mmkay?).

Boggle

Call the fcukin cops. Walk and stay walkin.....

Anyone who'd actually clock a girl is a real a$$hole and certainly not worth anyone's time...

cajun_tiger

my pc is saying that theres p0rn detected on it so i cant view it sorry

Beruthiel

there is no need to post a second thread
I'll merge them

cajun_tiger

i couldn't nor wouldn't i was in the wrong

cajun_tiger

thank you

Beruthiel

cajun_tiger wrote:

but he is thats why i got angry and pushed him away from me he came after and i pushed again he then pushed me and it went like that for a bit then i push him hard in the chest more of fist push and he then punched me in the jaw.

I seriously don't understand you
have you no self respect?
I'd dump him like a hot potatoe, why you are even debating this is beyond me

D!ve^Bomb!

*tick*

D!ve^Bomb!

*tock*

cajun_tiger

have you no self respect?
i do but i cant do it i know i should i know i need too for my own good and for his

logic1

Beruthiel wrote:

I seriously don't understand you
have you no self respect?

Self esteem issues, self loathing, co-dependancy, anger management - it's like a psychiatrists dream.

Seems to me like you need to work on being alone and content with yourself before you try finding anyone else to provide your happiness for you.

.logic.

Beruthiel

newband
please stop trolling
B

D!ve^Bomb!

i wasn't trolling,, i was posting my opinion on this relation ship... but there doesn't appear to be any option to post an image.. ah well, you can all guess what i was gonna post!

cajun_tiger

thats what i was doing being on my own was so for over a year then he came and everything was great that was in january

Beruthiel

cajun_tiger wrote:

i do but i cant do it

actually
you can
that's a cop out, stop feeling sorry for yourself, I've been there girl, feeling sorry for myself, it sucks, but what ya gonna do? carry on like that for the rest of your life? no is the answer, so tell yourself you will not die if you leave him, cos you won't!
in fact, I am telling you now that you will be the stronger for it and if you learn your lesson well, you won't ever put yourself in this position again.
start today

koneko

newband wrote:

i wasn't trolling,, i was posting my opinion on this relation ship... but there doesn't appear to be any option to post an image.. ah well, you can all guess what i was gonna post!

Yes there is, you just screwed up the image tags (Forward slash not backwards). Also I don't see how an atomic-bomb picture is relevant to the conversation.

cajun_tiger, no offense, but you're being melodramatic. Neither of you are happy, you're getting physically violent towards eachother, it's obvious what you have to do. Bite the bullet and do it or stay unhappy with him.

D!ve^Bomb!

i tried the forward slash but that didn't work either

BANG

There ya go, it doesn't have the same effect but you gt the idea

cajun_tiger

i supose its the only thing i can do...
move on and do things on my own..

Dr. Loon

cajun tiger if you don't me asking, what age are you? You don't have to tell me/us but it would help me get a better picture here.

As for the hitting and retaliating, sure he shouldn't have hit her, but she shouldn't have hit him. As for the stronger/weaker argument. Fair enough. One set of rules for one....etc...etc..

All of you "appalled gentlemen". As far as I'm concerned you are more sexist than chivalrous. If you're willing to dish it out be prepared to take it back. You insult me I'll insult you, you hit me I'll hit you. Whether you're man, woman, dog, giraffe or whatever. Although I draw the line at children and old people.

Cajun tiger, regardless of your age, I'd agree, get out. He sounds like a git.




Reminds of a thread on PTH - originated from SA forums about a diary.

koneko

Dr. Loon wrote:

...giraffe ...

You bastard... what did giraffes ever do to you. They're just misunderstood.

Dr. Loon

koneko wrote:

You bastard... what did giraffes ever do to you. They're just misunderstood.

I'd say a giraffe could give ye a fair oul smack.

cajun_tiger

21

The_Conductor

Regardless of how much you love him, if he treats you as ****'illy as he is doing, he does not deserve to be with you.
What you really need to do is regain your self confidence, take a step backwards and decide for yourself that YOU deserve better, and that YOU are not going to put up with being treated like crap. Certainly it will hurt to walk away, it'll hurt like hell for a while, but you'll get over him, and you'll find someone who actually deserves to be with you.

I'd advise not going out with anyone at all for a while, get to know yourself better, as a person, and once you are happy and at peace with yourself, take a more discerning look at the rest of the world.

S.

Quigs Snr

He not only hit you, he punched you in the jaw. He is sneaking around behind your back and its your fault ?

I am sorry, no offence intended, but you are a fool. A total moron and you really need someone to tell you that too. You won't listen to me or any of the others here no doubt, but if you explain this to close friends or familiy I think you will find that they concur with my opinion.

Get a grip of yourself woman, you sound quite immature (which is understandable, I thought I knew it all at 21, I knew jack sh*t in reality and probably still don't). Move on from this, never give someone a second chance to hurt you. You are too young, this will never last and the longer it goes on the more messed up you will get and the more damage you will do to yourself. You may think its the end of the world now, you may think you love him, but all that will fade. He won't change either, he has shown his true colors, people only change in the movies, in real life, they can surpress what they are for a period but the real person always comes back, often in fights or with alcohol. Don't be a fool.

This is not your fault, in any other way other than you are a fool to be putting up with this crap. If you present yourself as a doormat, you will get walked on and it doesn't matter who hit who first, you hit him in the chest. In order for you to hurt by hitting me in the chest you would need to hit me with a heavy object. He has no excuse for what he did. Mind you I hope you have learned your lesson too, don't go around smacking people.

Dr. Loon

cajun_tiger wrote:

21

You come across as younger. Anyway... at this stage I think you know what to do, and if you don't then it's you who's the fool.

climaxer

You're only 21 so get out now and don't waste any more time with this man. You are better off to be alone and happy than miserable and in a relationship. He's not the one for you at all so break up now and have some fun. It will be hard at first as you do love him but you will get over him. A lot of us have relationships and there is a very thin line between love and hate for our partner and these relationships do not work out. They are probably ruled by passion mainly and with equally passionate arguements. Believe me I've been there and it is very confusing as you feel so many conflicting emotions for this man. It can be heartbreaking to finally let go but in the long term it will get easier and you really can more on.

The Corinthian

smccarrick wrote:

Regardless of how much you love him, if he treats you as ****'illy as he is doing, he does not deserve to be with you.

That’s crap. If she accepts that type of treatment, then he deserves to be with her. If she wants to have grown-up relationships, then she really has to accept the consequences of such relationships like a grown-up.

One thing that has not been made clear by cajun_tiger is the nature of the relationship with this chap (who I suspect is much older than her). Did he make any promises of commitment or was this a fsckbuddy type relationship from the onset?

pretty-in-pink

cajun_tiger wrote:

i'm all over the place on this matter,
i'm seeing this guy and i've never been happier. we aren't going out, but i now want something more, i love him so much too much, i know he'll never love me, he's lazy and a bit of an a$$ he gets me so angry lately,
i'm on the phone and i'm shaking coz i'm angry and sared of what i'm goin to say next...

going on this i'd say that he is not your boyfriend at all, leave him alone.

cajun_tiger wrote:

i do love him
i love who he is
i just cant take the sh!t he deals me

so last night i gave him two choises
me and me alone
or anyone he wants but me
he's giving me my answer today he wanted some time to think which i liked

but we then ended up in a physical pushing and shoving
(me being the one who started it)
then i hit him real hard in the chest and he punched me back...

Don't be so stupid, give the poor guy space, even if you were an item, this would scare him, guys are kinda scraded of commitment at the best of times, you can't crowd them or they run

cajun_tiger wrote:

i know i was in the wrong and i shouldn't have hit him. it was the only way i could get through to him. i don't care if i've ruinned it now because the damage is done and the problem is that he'll never forgive himself and i'll never forgive myself..
he is bigger and stronger than me but i'm not a weak little girl, but i just can't understand him...

by the way how it lead to me hitting him was he lied about saturday night he blew me off after we made plans to do stuff together.. when i was trying to fix his phone a msg came in and up on the screen
"i've booked the room for saturday night cant wait"

i had asked him pior about this certain girl who turns out to be a 50yr old woman and he said to my face that he wasnt seein her or havin S$x with her. but he is thats why i got angry and pushed him away from me he came after and i pushed again he then pushed me and it went like that for a bit then i push him hard in the chest more of fist push and he then punched me in the jaw....

He isn't your boyfriend, he can see who he wants, and if some guy acted towards me the way you are to him ,I wouldn't tell him my plans either incase he freaked out like you did.

You need to act your age, and stop being a psycho. You are behaving like a supid gnorant, stalker 15 year old. I'm younger then you but smarter then you..is this right or normal? No. Leave him alone and get help, it sounds like you need it

Gordon

Cajun tiger has a temporary problem posting.

naughty girl, less of the stupid ignorant stalker remarks please.

tinkerbell

cajun_tiger wrote:

by the way how it lead to me hitting him was he lied about saturday night he blew me off after we made plans to do stuff together.. when i was trying to fix his phone a msg came in and up on the screen
"i've booked the room for saturday night cant wait"

i had asked him pior about this certain girl who turns out to be a 50yr old woman and he said to my face that he wasnt seein her or havin S$x with her. but he is thats why i got angry and pushed him away from me he came after and i pushed again he then pushed me and it went like that for a bit then i push him hard in the chest more of fist push and he then punched me in the jaw.

Why are you still even considering being with this loser? I mean - you saw a txt on his phone saying "I've booked the room for Saturday night, can't wait"!!?!!! Isn't it obvious he's seeing someone else behind your back, yet you still want to be with him - you need to get some self respect girl.

As for you punching him and him punching you - well you shouldn't have got violent in the first place, that is no healthy relationship - people don't just hit one another if they care about each other.

My advice - GET OUT NOW.

2oddsox

can i give you my twopence worth.... no matter how much a woman would like to / or tries to change a man, she never will. its a trap many women fall into. so take the good with the bad, say your goodbyes and move on.

99Dragons

Right. Well... I empathize. So good, so strong, yet so poignant, tragically hip. The stuff of great literature and simultaneously the worst of what we as humans are capable of hewing upon ourselves and others. Behold! The human condition. Yet all the red flags are there, there is at least one red handkerchief on the ground which certainly looks and feels like addiction somewhere / somehow. I've been there. Not everyone makes it there but jeezizlor I did.

How it works is this. Whoever gets honest first will be the one to know if it is real or not. Denial stems around abuse, use and the hostage taking when it is a case of lust at first sight. And abuse takes many many forms, not just booze or drugz... power, lust, violence, the relationship itself... and each person will be totally different yet ... the one who has been there really knows it because he/she recognizes it in another suffering.

You DO have choices! Be of good cheer.

So... time to get the company of someone who's been through this before, and time for a brutally (pardon the word here but it is veridical) candid personal inventory. Don't worry about his inventory, just yours.

Always remember you have options.