Virgin, is this a problem for fellas?

LegacyUser

Hi

I'm going to cut a long story short, in my mid-late twenties am still a virgin, met a younger guy early 20's whose not a virgin and cdn't believe I still was, I have said to him don't want sex til I marry but he is very highly strung if you know what I mean, he has said he won't expect sex but he does want to have some fun! I am a very innocent 20something and have only kissed fellas before nothing else! I need some advice on what to do etc as I haven't got a clue! But would this bother any fella's at all!???

Typedef

Gay marriage is not legal in Ireland.

You'd be waiting a looooooooooong time for a roide like!

passive

it's a guy? i didn't get that impression...

elvis2002

I would have thought most of us (men) would rather like the idea of de flowering so to speak. I certainly do!. I dont think he'll have any problem but he will feel like king of the world if he gets to sprinkle your daffodil.

Idbatterim

Ok, this is just my take on things but to be honest, i would have my doubts about whether this guy will stick around. Whether you like it or not sex plays quite a role in reltionships, and i doubt this guy is going to stick around and get married for sex. I cant believe the amount of women out there who are over 25 and virgins, all to their own though. And would it bother me? Id have to say yes and id say it would bother the vast majority of guys.

Big Ears

I think , he will either be gone , in 6 months or proposed by then .
So don't be suprised with proposals in the next 2-4 months especially .
Or leaving you in the next 2-4 months especially .

'Whether you like it or not sex plays quite a role in reltionships'
and thats the reason for him doing either of the to things above , in the times mentioned .
of course there are some people who will wait more than 6 months without having sex with you , but I would be suspicious of them and what they are doing in their spare time .

Idbatterim

What Big Ears says!

aidan_walsh

I cant believe the amount of women out there who are over 25 and virgins

Looking at the number of teenage/young mothers around, you mean there are actually some left???

jesus_thats_gre

Why do you want to wait for marraige for sex?

tribble

Yes, I too simply don't understand why you wish to wait until after marriage.
Catholic guilt, perhaps?

Hagar

tribble wrote:

Yes, I too simply don't understand why you wish to wait until after marriage.
Catholic guilt, perhaps?

It never stopped the clergy...... :eek:

mrhappy42

As the guy is in his early 20ths he will want to have sex. If it was an older man he would wait as he knows that your trust will be important.

A young man who does not have some fun in 20ths might start thinking he missed out in his 40ths (wild theory but you know what I mean).

You could set some ground rules and she if he keeps trying to brake them, shows he has no respect for your views.

As an aside sex is fun, healthy and life is short.

yossarin

mrhappy42 wrote:

As an aside sex is fun, healthy and life is short.

The other way around shurley ?

Sleipnir

yossarin wrote:

The other way around shurley ?

Rofl!


I can't understand how people can say it's "catholic guilt" and the likes.
If she makes that choice it's because she wants to, what difference does it make to you?

She wants to wait until she's met the right person and they make a commitment.

I don't believe you "have to" wait (I'm living with my gf and our son) but if you do want to wait, fine.

Zulu

As a guy in my mid twenties, it would personally bother me. Don't get me wrong - more power to you, but I would expect to have sex within the first month of a relationship.
Sex is very important for me in a relationship. I have plenty of friends I can't/don't have sex with. If I'm going out with someone, they are more to me than a friend.

...thats just me, and I'll wager, most of the other guys

koneko

elvis2002 wrote:

I would have thought most of us (men) would rather like the idea of de flowering so to speak. I certainly do!. I dont think he'll have any problem but he will feel like king of the world if he gets to sprinkle your daffodil.

Not if they have to get married first.

he has said he won't expect sex but he does want to have some fun

That means he wants to fool around, get BJs from you, generally do anything he can to you that doesn't involve penetration. Until he wins you over that is. "Aw come on honey, you'll like it".

I don't believe you "have to" wait (I'm living with my gf and our son) but if you do want to wait, fine.

I agree, do whatever makes you feel happiest and comfortable. But having said that, it's going to be hard to find a guy that feels the same way.

Unless you find a guy that is religious and feels the same way about sex, most guys won't hold on for sex till you're married, it just doesn't really happen anymore. He might wait a few months, but you're not going to marry someone after a few months (seriously.... don't).

I agree with Zulu (and I'm a woman).

vibe666

i wouldn't want to spend that long on the build up to it to be honest. it couldn't possibly live up to the hype after all that time. you'd have to be disapointed you left it so long.

might be interesting to get some opinions from people who waited till marriage (if you can find anyone that is.

Sleipnir

Zulu wrote:

As a guy in my mid twenties, it would personally bother me. Don't get me wrong - more power to you, but I would expect to have sex within the first month of a relationship.
Sex is very important for me in a relationship. I have plenty of friends I can't/don't have sex with. If I'm going out with someone, they are more to me than a friend.

...thats just me, and I'll wager, most of the other guys

Well yup, I would agree with that too.
Also with Koneto, it will be difficult to find a guy who thinks the same way.

mrhappy42

expeting sex within a few monhts is not something that is essential to a relationship its not even important at the start. It just that some people think it is.

I think that young guys should be able to vent their frustrations that way they could focus a lot more on building relationships with people who are genuine and get long term relationships.

If woman put as much pressure on the guys to express their feelings as men do with sex in their early 20th you would see a very different landscape... you would see a lot more discussions like 'he did not show me the respect I deserved so I dumped him and his cck' or 'the men are so immature I'm going for an older man' or 'they keep asking for sex and then you give in and its all over in a few grunts...if only they knew how immature they are'.

Come on girls I cant believe you are agreeing with all this.

Paladin

Personally, if a girl I was going out with didnt want to have sex with me, we would break up. I could list the non-sexual reasons for this, but plain and simple, if she isnt fun lovin, then Im not gonna fall in love with her.

Zulu

mrhappy42 wrote:

expeting sex within a few monhts is not something that is essential to a relationship its not even important at the start. It just that some people think it is.

If your not being intimate/having sex - then whats the difference between your relationhip, and that of your best mate?

mrhappy42 wrote:

I think that young guys should be able to vent their frustrations that way they could focus a lot more on building relationships with people who are genuine and get long term relationships.

Sex has been used to "build relationships" as lonk as humans have existed. Studies have proven that certain hormones are released after sex that create an intimate bond between both parties. It also lowers the boundries of inhibation so people tend to express themselves more openly.

On another point. If you wait till after marrage, how do you know the person will be any good? How do you know you are compatiable? You could be dooming yourself to poor love life. (This is not aimed at the thread starter, it a rethorical question)

bandraoi

There is alot you can do and alot of fun that can be had that is not technically having sex. I assume that (for now) he is willing to accept this as a limit. Just go with the flow.

koneko

mrhappy42 wrote:

Come on girls I cant believe you are agreeing with all this.

Eh, do you think girls/women don't have sexual urges? Or do they just say Ok yeah we can have sex now, to please the man.

You know, it's not unheard of for women to want to have sex aswell. Personally, I don't see why not. If you're going to be in a relationship with someone, sex is a part of it. Otherwise you might aswell just be friends.

Sex is healthy, I don't see why people make such a big deal out of it tbh. It's natural, it's a part of life (and a big part, seeing as it's how we were all created).

munkeehaven

i really do think you should consider your decision about keeping chaste until marriage.sex isnt everything but it is a major component of the relationship between a husband and wife(or same sex marriages).what if you marry someone and you find out that you are not sexually compatible? what happens then? you may find that the person doesnt satisfy you sexually.i really do think you shouldnt be so determined about staying a virgin.who says you are going to get married? you shouldnt make such a decision about somthing that may never happen.i read an article in the indo by a very stout catholic woman who has made the decision to keep "pure" before marriage.but guess what? she is reaching 50 and still no husband.im not trying to depress you ,but you should be realistic, marriage does not mean completeness in a relationship.

MrNuked

just go to bed with him and do whatever you feel comfortable and want to do. even if you don't know what to do he'll probably enjoy being able to do things to you. As you become more comfortable with him you may find you want to have sex, and there is no reason why you shouldn't.

The Corinthian

innocentguest wrote:

I'm going to cut a long story short, in my mid-late twenties am still a virgin, met a younger guy early 20's whose not a virgin and cdn't believe I still was, I have said to him don't want sex til I marry but he is very highly strung if you know what I mean, he has said he won't expect sex but he does want to have some fun! I am a very innocent 20something and have only kissed fellas before nothing else! I need some advice on what to do etc as I haven't got a clue! But would this bother any fella's at all!???

There’s an old Italian saying that goes something like “men don’t stay with women that give in too quickly or not at all” and as Koneko has correctly pointed out, unless you find a guy who’s particularly traditional or religious (and they are admittedly out there) you’re out of luck. The reality is that nowadays, if you’re a virgin at 25, it’s almost always not out of choice.

Sex and relationships is regrettably governed by the laws of supply and demand. And the unfortunate reality is that if you’re not having sex with a guy within a few months (or a few weeks if you’re both older) then there’s plenty out there who will.

The question you must answer of course is why are you holding out until marriage? If it is for religious reasons, then most probably you are best off getting involved with a guy who shares your faith, as this issue will not be the only one that may cause friction in any future relationship.

Alternatively if the reason is not religious, then you really have to ask yourself if it is reasonable or even rational. I’ve come across women who will remain virgins until marriage, but will instead quite naturally practice alternative sexual acts that one would hesitate to suggest of a professional. There’s frankly something amiss there.

If you want to remain a virgin, do so for the right reasons. Otherwise it maybe time for you to review some of your values.

elvis2002 wrote:

I would have thought most of us (men) would rather like the idea of de flowering so to speak.

Most men grow out of that, TBH.

bandraoi

btw since this is anonymous I'm going to ask, do you know what you're missing? Have you ever masturbated?

Cause frankly I don't know how you've managed with only going as far as kissing till now?!?

Walls

It is a huge problem for men. Being inexperienced is one thing, but a deliberate choice of abstaince needs to be matched by your boyfriend or the relationship is not possible.

Either become experienced or find someone who matches your choices. The disparity is not just with him, most young men and women seek sex in their relationships, it is unavoidable.

You deserve kudos for having your own mind on this issue. You and your mind may be alone together for quite a while, however....

mrhappy42

a lot of you seem to be saying the sex + friendship = relationship. and that if sex is zero then relationship is just friends.

I think that this is to simplistic a view of things, while this might hold true for some it is not true for others. Its important to understand that respecting this womans needs is important and casting your own belief system onto others is not always the right thing for this girl.

I think the equation has some more suble items.

sex+shared experience+best friend+respect.....=relationship.

I think that for men in their ealry 20ths the weighting on the first items is so strong it overshadows the rest of equation.

So its down to your current priorities for this girl she is asking the question how important sex is to a man. From the discussion here it is obvious what that is likely to be.

However she should know that exceptions exists and that men in the older age bracket do not consider this as important. Its for her to decide what is important.

I've gone out with girls who wanted to wait until marriage when I was in my 20ths and found that in all cases given time and understanding they all dropped this believe once trust was established. I also found this girls to more interesting and deeper lovers.

Dr. Loon

mrhappy42 wrote:

I think that for men in their ealry 20ths the weighting on the first items is so strong it overshadows the rest of equation.
.

What is this thing with you and "20ths"?!? It's 20's.

As for the original poster, I think Corinthian is spot on.

popinfresh

TBH, I don't think the whole "waiting untill you get married" idea works any more. Imagine the fella only married you so as to have sex with you, it happens. That'd turn nasty within a year. What I think you should do is wait until you get to know the person, and when you have established a good relationship then decide whether you want to ride him or not. Marriage is only waiting a while then expensively and publically stating that you are ready to have sex. Plus marriage + law are a bad mix if it doesn't work out.

mrhappy42

popinfresh wrote:

TBH, I don't think the whole "waiting untill you get married" idea works any more. Imagine the fella only married you so as to have sex with you, it happens. That'd turn nasty within a year. What I think you should do is wait until you get to know the person, and when you have established a good relationship then decide whether you want to ride him or not. Marriage is only waiting a while then expensively and publically stating that you are ready to have sex. Plus marriage + law are a bad mix if it doesn't work out.

agreed.

LegacyUser

mrhappy42 wrote:

expeting sex within a few monhts is not something that is essential to a relationship its not even important at the start. It just that some people think it

Guess what? When some one thinks something is important, it is. Most of the people I know (both men and woman) would probably disagree with you. It’s my impression that sex is an extremely important in the majority of relationships; it would be for me anyway.

Not having sex before marriage is like not living with each other before such, complete nonsense, whether handed down by religion or not, and can lead to major problems.

You’ll find it hard to know what the rest of your life is going to be like with a person if you haven’t lived with them for about a year or so. Same goes for your sex life, but for different reasons some don’t crave sex as much as others, that’s fine as long as both in the relationship are not just on the same wavelength, but what that it’s what BOTH want.

If I was into the whole wedding when getting marred etc, I defiantly would want both involved to enjoy the “special” night, to be extremely blunt I wouldn’t want an a difficultly situation like having sex with such a partner for the first time, never mind a situation where one evolved never had sex before. It’s not the kind of night you want to remember for the wrong reasons.

monument

mrhappy42 wrote:

expeting sex within a few monhts is not something that is essential to a relationship its not even important at the start. It just that some people think it is.

Guess what? When some one thinks something is important, it is. Most of the people I know (both men and woman) would probably disagree with you. It’s my impression that sex is an extremely important in the majority of relationships; it would be for me anyway.

Not having sex before marriage is like not living with each other before such, complete nonsense, whether handed down by religion or not, and can lead to major problems.

You’ll find it hard to know what the rest of your life is going to be like with a person if you haven’t lived with them for about a year or so. Same goes for your sex life, but for different reasons some don’t crave sex as much as others, that’s fine as long as both in the relationship are not just on the same wavelength, but what that it’s what BOTH want.

If I was into the whole wedding when getting marred etc, I defiantly would want both involved to enjoy the “special” night, to be extremely blunt I wouldn’t want an a difficultly situation like having sex with such a partner for the first time, never mind a situation where one evolved never had sex before. It’s not the kind of night you want to remember for the wrong reasons.

mrhappy42

monument wrote:

Guess what? When some one thinks something is important, it is. Most of the people I know (both men and woman) would probably disagree with you. It’s my impression that sex is an extremely important in the majority of relationships; it would be for me anyway.

Sex is important. You could be with this person 40 or 50 years if things go well, a year or so is not important if the person you are with needs this time before they are comfortable.

Agree with you on the religious thing - ignore that most girls will have sex before marriage if they think they have the right man.

However I think that a subtle point is being missed here. Imagine your in your mid 40s and you have been married 20 odd years and your daughter is posting here with the same content as the original poster...could you imagine what your replies would be.

MrNuked

I think with that attitude you're likely to end up marrying a closet case of one form or another. Men need sex to be happy. If you're in a relationship without sex for a long period there will be massive frustration and fights unless they are getting satisfaction elsewhere.

mrhappy42

MrNuked wrote:

.... Men need sex to be happy....

confusing 'need' with 'want'

M

Zulu

mrhappy42 wrote:

However I think that a subtle point is being missed here. Imagine your in your mid 40s and you have been married 20 odd years and your daughter is posting here with the same content as the original poster...could you imagine what your replies would be.

Firstly: You shouldn't let your protectivness of you daughter govern your good advice - this leads to bad advice, and a lack of trust.
Secondly: If your daughter is in her 20's, she's most likely already had sex, you should try and get over that fact, and try to have an open relationship with her. Ireland and the Irish need to grow out of being sexually repressed. In order to do tht, you need to get over these issues.

mrhappy42 wrote:

I think the equation has some more suble items.
sex+shared experience+best friend+respect.....=relationship.

Using you math equation...

true freindship = shared experience + respect
sex = shared experience
relationship = sex + true friendship

<edit> to the anonymous twat that gave me negative rep points for expecting sex in the first month of a relationship: You are a very, very sad individual. Get over yourself. I'm not repressed; I'm open. I stand by my comment. </edit>

aidan_walsh

true freindship = shared experience + respect
sex = shared experience
relationship = sex + true friendship

Having a picnic or going for ice-cream together also counts as a shared experience, but I don't think that a lot of men are going to be willing to wholey substitute those for sex. Thus your equation is flawed.

Zulu

doodle_sketch wrote:

Having a picnic or going for ice-cream together also counts as a shared experience, but I don't think that a lot of men are going to be willing to wholey substitute those for sex. Thus your equation is flawed.

use "shared experience type a" and "shared experience type b" so.

bandraoi

mrhappy42 wrote:

confusing 'need' with 'want'

M

I wouldn't say so. Humans are built to need sex.

mrhappy42

Zulu wrote:

Firstly: You shouldn't let your protectivness of you daughter govern your good advice - this leads to bad advice, and a lack of trust.
Secondly: If your daughter is in her 20's, she's most likely already had sex, you should try and get over that fact, and try to have an open relationship with her.

my daughter is not 20 and if she was I would hope she could be open with me.

My point was that sometimes it is important to try to see things from another perspective.

For example. consider those who due to circumstances (illness, or something else) cant (physically/mentally) have sex. They could provide you with a perfect relationship over your life but you would never know as the short term view is so important.

Consider this example: you have found the perfect woman, someone who rides like the wind :-) you know her for a while, get married or whatever and then something happens that allows you or her to not have intercrse again.

monument

mrhappy42 wrote:

However I think that a subtle point is being missed here. Imagine your in your mid 40s and you have been married 20 odd years and your daughter is posting here with the same content as the original poster...could you imagine what your replies would be.

IF I was 40 and my 20 something daughter was posting my advice stays the same as my last post.

But to add, what type of sex life a 20 something want to lead has f all to do with their father or mother - any one who thinks it has should stop talking nonsence about forcing belief systems on people.

Typedef

I don't know monument....

What you just said... sounds like a _belief_ to me.....

*ahem*

OfflerCrocGod

Typedef wrote:

sounds like a _belief_ to me.....

He doesn't believe it - he knows it - Knowledge negates belief, have you never read Douglas Adams

According to the Hitchhiker's Guide, the Babel fish was put forth as an example for the non-existence of God:

"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."

"But," says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves that you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. Q.E.D.."

"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

"Oh, that was easy," says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.

LegacyUser

Okay, the main reason I don't want to sleep around is religious but I also don't want to say to myself, okay he could be the one, sleep with him, break up and go on to the next fella, it would be a continous circle and I don't want to get a bad reputation. I am prepared to go that bit further with him, which we have done but to me it's a big deal, to him it's nothing,i dont think! I just don't know what to do etc, he has been trying to show me but I am afraid I will Fk up big time! I really really like him and we did met in an extraordinary way, like fate which we both agree on and we have both been totally honest with each other but I don't know if it'senough!

isolde

To be honest, if I started going out with a guy and they told me they're a virgin, I'd be really surprised. I think I'd be lost for words. I actually don't think I could go out with a guy who wanted to wait until marriage. What if he was really **** in bed? I mean, I know it's not the be all and end all.. but it is pretty important. You might really fancy someone and you might have a great friendship, etc., etc., but sometimes it can happen that there's just no chemistry between ya when ya hop into bed..

To the original poster: If you want to remain a virgin for religious reasons, then I respect your beliefs.. and therefore your decision not to have sex. But, if your partner doesn't share those beliefs, I find it very unlikely that he will be prepared to "wait".

~ isolde.

Kold

innocentguest wrote:

But would this bother any fella's at all!???

I'd like to say no to this but it would be a major yes tbh. I mean you stand up for your morals and I totally support you but the immense frustration would be far too much for me and I would presume, the majority of males.

gandalf

Ok I am sorry to be crude about this but no one here would buy a car without taking it for a test drive and that is only a monetary commitment.

To make a commitment to a life partner you have to know you are compatable and sex for me would be an important part of that.

Beruthiel

innocentguest wrote:

I don't want to get a bad reputation

this is 2004
I don't believe that a 'bad reputation' exists anymore - unless you are sleeping with a different bloke every week, and I don't ever see that happening in your case.
It would be mad to marry without first sleeping with someone - if you are going to spend the rest of your life with a person, you just have to know first that ye are compatible in bed, otherwise the marriage could turn into years of misery. As Galdalf says, a test drive is a must - I don't believe I could stay with someone who was rubbish in bed, sex is a very important part of any good relationship.

Zulu

mrhappy42 wrote:

Consider this example: you have found the perfect woman, someone who rides like the wind :-) you know her for a while, get married or whatever and then something happens that allows you or her to not have intercrse again.

I would certainly be very unhappy. If fustration is constant, how can you be happy?
I see the point your making, but honestly - what do you think? I would imagine that it would be very rare a relationship the would survive such an extream circumstance. It I wanted to be celibate, I'd have joined the priesthood.